Hillary for President!
8 years ago
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Good morning and Happy Hump Day!
It's very dank in the NYC today. It's the kind of weather outside where it's not quite raining...more like spitting. You know, not enough precipitation to warrant an umbrella, but enough to annoy you. Yeah, it's like that outside today.
Maybe the weather is contributing to my mood, which I am working hard to change as I type. When something is weighing heavy on my mind, I tend to over-think, over-analyze and over-react. To get over this, I re-read Serena's blog about "Letting Go Of Yesterday," and I also re-read some inspirational passages she sent me. One of them says, "He who angers you controls you." How true. I've decided to take control back.
While I feel that I am a positive person and a good friend, I know that I am FAR from perfect in that area. I've had friends that have been my aces for over 15 years, and I have some who have been in my life a short time by comparison. I've had to apologize to ALL of them many times for things that I've done and things that I haven't done. When I value a friendship, the last thing I want to do is be responsible for hurting someone's feelings.
I've been told on many occasions that I am too sensitive. I can accept that in a lot of cases. But in most cases, it wasn't that I was reacting because I was too sensitive, but rather I was reacting because someone else was INsensitive. One thing I try to never do, especially where my friends are concerned, is dismiss their feelings. After all, feelings are feelings...and we can't always help when we're overcome by them. Even if I never intended to hurt someone, even when I have a perfectly good explanation for why they feel the way they do and yes, even when I think that they may be just a little too sensitive, I apologize for the hurt feelings they have anyway.
Last week I told you of a friend who hurt my feelings. Yesterday, that same friend told me that I didn't see how I was at fault for my hurt feelings. I'm not sure which hurts more, the hurt feelings...or the dismissal of those hurt feelings. It's like being slapped on the cheek, only to turn my face so that they can slap the other one. Instead of helping me understand or saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way"(even though she didn't mean to hurt me), she blamed me for how I felt. Wow.
Some see an apology as an admission of wrong doing. For me, most times an apology is simply an ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of someone else's feelings. That is all most of us really want - for someone to acknowledge how we feel. It's not hand holding, it's not catering and it's not beneath us. I will never be so full of myself to the point where I can never acknowledge a friend's feelings...no matter how big or small, wrong or right. If I love you, I will always care how you feel, and I will never blame a friend for feeling the way they do - whether I caused it or not. It's not about blame. In playing the blame game, we shift our own shortcomings to others and give ourselves opportunities to forgive the faults we can't bear to look at in ourselves.
I've decided to let it go. He who angers you controls you. Serena's blog reminds me that living in the past will only imprison me in the present, keeping me from moving forward. So it's squashed. Life shows us how to live and love by example. But it also teaches us by sending us relationships that challenge us to be loving. Our most difficult relationships offer us our greatest opportunities to grow in wisdom and openheartedness.
The difficulty we have in forgiving is underscored by the fact that we often would rather feel bad than forgive. Iyanla Vanzant says that "forgiveness (and letting go) is a pain reliever." It frees those who forgive, and it is the forgiver who benefits most. Serena sent me a Key Thought and a Prayer to pray, which I have done and will share. Both say:
KEY THOUGHT:
Jesus' words draw us to the values of our Heavenly Father. Rather than passively accepting evil, we are to overcome evil with good. We are to work redemption in the face of mistreatment like the suffering servant in Isaiah who suffers, serves, and redeems in the face of attack and ridicule. Jesus reminds us that we are to redeem rather than to try to get even. A slap on the cheek in Jesus' day was more a social insult than a physical injury. In our day, we seldom slap someone on the cheek to embarrass or humiliate that person. Instead, we shoot them a "zinger," cut them down sarcastically, or tell a joke at their expense. This is out of bounds for believers. Such talk does not accomplish the redemption God has called us to share with others.
TODAY'S PRAYER:
Holy and patient Father, please strengthen me so that I will look for ways to redeem those who shame and humiliate me. I know that vengeance will only poison my heart and alienate me from the insulting party. Give me grace to react with kindness even toward those who are unkind to me. In the name of the one who did not rebuke his accusers I pray.
All is forgotten, all is forgiven. I've let go, let God, and I have my control back. Thank you Serena!
Amen.
-b
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57 comments:
WOOO HOOO IM FIRST!!!! yaaye!!! ahhaaaa take that!
Damn I am SOOO on a roll lately
MOMO MUST GET TASED!
LOL!! Y'all are too funny!
Brooke: You are a wonderful person & friend. And the fact that you thought this long & hard & cared enough proves this. What bothers me is that you still are referring to this person as YOUR FRIEND..
This person proved not once BUT twice that they are NOT your friend. Not only did they do something to hurt your feelings BUT when brought to their attention they didn't think enough of you to at LEAST sit down with you to talk about it.
Granted not everyone is going to feel that they was wrong & even if they did not everyone will admit it or issue an apology. BUT to shrug it off like it's YOUR problem and not there is a slap to the face & another example of how this person is NOT your friend. A real friend would at least talk it out with you until you felt better.
P.S.- I WILL TASE THIS HEIFER!!!! IS HEIFER A CURSE???
P.P.S- how funny is it that preger is my word...LOL
This person said they weren't ready to talk about it, but wanted to make sure I understood that it was MY fault I felt the way I did. That's okay, I can wait. God's timing is always best, so I won't question it.
Thank you for your kind words Annamaria. I did think long and hard about it, and what I wrote wasn't easy to write...or feel. It'll take time, but I have so many great things happening in my life at this moment that I don't want a bad attitude to steal them away from me. Serena's words of inspiration always hit home for me and are always right there when I need them. I am FAR from perfect, I can and always will admit that. None of us is perfect...but we are human AND divine at the same time, fully qualified to forgive and let go. It's a process, and I'm willing to go through it.
Wow! - Watch out Momo you're getting tased! hahahahahaha
Brooke- this is an interesting blog and it's funny b/c I can totally relate. Although I have a friend (or two) who have hurt my feelings lately I haven't really brought the issue up (hate conflict) and I agree with both the key thought and prayer that Serena gave you, but I also wonder if you should consider whether or not this incident is part of a bigger issue. It's worth considering whether or not this person should even remain in your circle of friends - I know I've definitely had to remove folks from my circle when they really just showed me that they were not really, TRULY my friends.
Just my two cents...Keep it positive and in the end you will be able to sleep at night because you know that you did all you could do. Hope this works out.
Annamaria- get out of my head girl! I didn't get to see your comment before I posted, but i 100%agree with everything you wrote here.
Brooke I agree with Annamaria. Clearly this person is no longer your friend and the fact that you still refer to them as such, makes you that much more of a kind-hearted person. For someone to continue to dismiss your feelings when you are the person who was wronged, means that they don't really care about you or your friendship. Blame is not the answer to solving the problem. Taking ownership of what they did to you is. Your "friend" should ask themselves how they would feel if you did the same thing to them. I'm sure they would feel equally as hurt and betrayed. Maybe it's a good thing that this incident happened between you and your friend so that you could see clearly just who this person really was. Everything happens for a reason.
brooke...sometimes it's best to cut people out of y our life..even though it's easier said than done. I had two very close friends..one in high school & stuff happened sr. year..so we were forced to stop communicating..right before prom, needless to day stuff was awkward..we then just went our separate ways, college, etc...she recently reached out to me..not() the forced Non-communicating actually wa a good thing, allowing me to see some stuff)...( i too am "alleggedly too sensitive).
--the second friend was in college, our parents were friends, she lived with me & my mom, etc....towards graduation, I went away to internship & came back, she was veyr different, i'd seen it coming, but she was just buckwild now & did a few hurtful things that I let pass..after we graduated & wre "adults"..somthing happened that took the cake & a REAL freind that I'd know since 7th grade called & let me in on it....we just stopped speaking , just like that(after she called & trtied to find out if I knw hemming & hawing around the topic)..I gave up No TAPES..didn't let on that I knoew what she was doing, etc..I just never talked to her again.
**** although we'd been thick as thieves, I mean you saw her, you saw me & vice versa, I was like this heifer is grimy...I do NOT need the negativity & that was that..so just take a look at toxic "friendships"/...somtimes they are not worth it.sometimes they are...but you knwo, it's gotta be a 2 way street
--PS.. I HATE the WORd PREGGERS!!!!!!uugh!...get another annamaria!!...:-)
I thought about that. And I don't think this person is malicious. I just think it's a case of a misunderstanding or miscommunication. These things happen, and friendships can be tested. It's all about how you react to them though. We had some interference from a third party, who I believe complicated things. Instead of coming to ME to see what the real story is, she relied on the word of someone else. I think that just added to my frustration, because a mutual guy friend shared a private conversation I had with HIM with her, like AS SOON AS WE HUNG UP, and I have no idea to this day how the conversation was redelivered to her. I can't and won't speculate, but the fact that she is basing an opinion or assumption about me or our situation on hearsay is buffoonery to me. I guess the third party's opinion or version of the story is more important than mine. And if so, I can't do anything about it. I only worry about the things I can control, not the things I can't.
I think "preger" was Annamaria's VERIFICATION word to type in to leave her comment :-)
Phillygirl I agree with the cutting part!!! ;)
"It's been a long time...I shouldn't have kept you...without a strong comment to step to..."
Lol...been busy, so away from the blog a few days...
But a much harsher opinion seems necessary, and who better then Mr. Blunt himself? My opinion - cut this chick BIZ-ZACK. Real talk. Look - I'll explain it to you as I've explained to my baby in the past (read: baby sis). There are literally BILLIONS of people on the Earth. In the course of your life, you will encounter well over a million at some point. Cutting one back, however long the history, isn't the end of the world, and there's no need to hang out to negative energy...or people.
See, I reserve the "forgive and forget" card for people who are TRULY loved by me - family, and friends who are extended family. So, my brother can do some f'd up ish, and, typically, I will be the first to forgive him. I'm also the first to get in his ass about it, and the only one likely to put hands on him if it's REALLY bad (Family rule - if you're younger than me, no matter how old we are, I can put hands on you if need be). But people who are supposedly friends who violate me or what I think a good friend should be? You get cut like steak next to eggs.
Why bother? I have other friends, and I think that in my lifetime, I will make more. I make friends most of the time when I don't even want to - I can be kinda anti-social. But I'm never at a loss for people to befriend, cuz I treat everyone how they treat me for the most part. Cool and nice to me, I'm cool and nice to you.
This isn't about me, it's about YOU, Brooke. Everyone on here knows you are sweet as pie. So this goes to principle...the specifics of the situation don't matter. If you say the words "my feelings are hurt" to a friend, and they don't react to try to dissuade those feelings in some capacity, that person is NOT the type of friend or person you need in your life. Cut them back.
Me and my friends are very close and honest with each other. We do things bluntly and harshly. However, we NEVER poo poo or dismiss each other's feelings - that's a no no. Even if it IS the person's fault, or they're being irrational, over-sensitive, etc. - we always take that person's feelings to heart.
Being a friend for me is about LOVE. And, regardless, if I love someone, I NEVER WANT to see them hurt. I may be honest about the situation, and may even say or do things that may have caused the hurt feelings, but I always react and try to make sure that person doesn't remain hurt or upset. It's instinctive; it's what good friends do. REGARDLESS of whatever the specifics are - a true friend would never dismiss or not take my hurt feelings seriously.
I cut off a friend I had known since 7th grade off for just that reason. We will never be friends again; merely acquaintances who are cordial. It doesn't matter that we have the same best friends, same crew. HE is NOT my friend. I keep it moving. God showed me his true colors for a reason, and I'm more drama-free for x-ing him out of my life. His personality hasn't changed, and it makes him very alone in life, because everyone knows he's not true friend material, regardless if they remain cool with him. They don't view him as a stand-up, real friend.
You are a beautiful, touching, wonderful person. Anyone who would cause a situation that hurt you and then not react to those feelings doesn't deserve the kindness and love that is within your heart. I'm not saying be mean, or carry any animosity. I'm saying that person is not your friend...and concentrate your energies on those that ARE. You can be cordial, and even be around the person in mixed company - but drop them from the friend list. No more.
I always say "if I lose a friend, it's not the end of the world - luckily, I have other people who love me all the same". True story. I haven't even known you for years, and I would act immediately if I did something to hurt your feelings, whether it was consciously or inadvertently.
Doesn't that tell you something?
Cut her back. You will never be alone...it's like holding on to shoes that are worn and are no longer comfortable or serviceable. You may have great memories of those shoes, and they may have served you well, but realistically - you have other shoes that are much better to choose from. Throwing out that pair won't mean you'll be barefoot.
CUT HER. She showed you all you need to know about her true self. Nuff said.
Props to Annamaria, Georgia Peach, Phillygirl and Momo for keepin' it real.
RAMEER I AM PUTTING DOWN THE TASER FOR A MOMENT TO GIVE YOU A STANDING OVATION WITH A HEARTY ROUND OF APPLAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
That was great. If that is how you speak to your baby sis then she has a WONDERFUL big brothers. I know my brothers would have thrown this heifer in the trunk of their cars & no one would have ever seen her again! lol
BTW: I love the shoe comparison!!! That was great!
ANYWHO: Brooke this year is going WONDERFULLY for you. Has it ever occured to you that this FEMALE DOG(Still can't curse..LOL) is HATING on you cause she is a JEALOUS HATER!! In which case it's even MORE proof that she isn't a friend. A REAL friend would be happy to have good things happen to you & positive things happen in your life. They wouldn't be causing drama or actin a fool during a great time in your life.
P.S.- F*ck this b*tch for real thinking about her is pissing me off... Yes I know $2 in the curse jar...SOOOO WORTH IT THOUGH.
Brook, I know how u feel. I have many associates buy very few friends. Friendships are very important and thier has to be a shared level understanding. If this person cannot have your feelings in mind, then u have make a hard choice. Sure, u can forgive, but u should not forget.
...and know what? You are way too sweet to have any one disregard ur feelings.
AMEN to both Rameer and Annamaria. I had to realize this the hard way, but I totally agree that some folks just aren't a FRIEND in the true sense of the word. Once I realized that I cut them out b/c as Rameer mentioned you don't have the TIME for all that negative energy in your space.
Annamaria you're right it's usually jealousy that causes a person (your male friend and the female friend) to do shady ish. Cut'em and keep it movin honey.
:) You will be fine and you WILL open yourself up to other friends who are REAL friends once you let go of the ones who are NOT your friends.
@ Annamaria- props for letting go of the taser for just a lil bit.
GP it's back in my hands now waiting for Brooke to give me the green light...LOL
P.S. MY WORD IS AZZES...LOL
I don't see cutting off a friend based on what I've read here. Sorry I just skimmed some of the responses so if it's been said, it's been said.
However, I think discussing the issue is important, but understanding is most important. If this person is a friend they wouldn't intentionally hurt you and I hope they didn't intend it. Being blamed for one's feelings is a slippery slope.
There are people (not saying you are one of them) that internalize everything. They form an opinion based on a small amount of interaction and then form complex and elaborate feelings based on that. For example, I know someone that no matter what you give them for Christmas they try to find the insult. A shirt? you saying I don't dress well, I'm so hurt.
The problem is she assumed you are one of these people. So in effect it looks as if she's blaming you for your feelings and you're taking even more offense. When it's time, you two will sit down and get to the bottom of it all, feelings, offenses and the third party that broke your confidence.
BROOKE! I feel the love girlfriend and I'm glad I could share with you and everyone! I agree with everyone, this woman (or man) doesn't deserve the title "friend." It's hard to let it go...but just as I learned from church which woke me up! Keep hanging on to yesterday...to mess up your today and destroy your tomorrows.
I think I said it in a past blog on here that last year I had it out with a friend that WAS in my circle since I was 8...not 18...not 28...8!
The relationship was turbulent and I have a friend that is in denial that we all can't be friends.
I told her, "You heard how she spoke to me over and over...then to disrespect the death of my sister because yo a** was too concerned about me helping you with your wedding...uh uh...it's a wrap!" I'm almost had to take it back to Southside Queens! But I didn't...
Instead when I let go Brooke (and everyone else) my God I felt the peace come over me. She was that awful of a friend that I physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually felt the shift when she exited stage left.
You're a wonderful person Brooke and you have a heart of gold in my eyes! Tell them to step...like my bro Rameer said (there are billions of people out there). I could've gotten hung up on ole boy that I moved out here after he called me out my name two years ago...but no! Like Rameer stated...don't get hung up on one.
Tell them peace two fingers and if they bother you again we're getting Annamaria's bros to throw them in a trunk! Or as my sister tells me...I'm going to find that dude and treat him like a speed bump in the road lol! Love ya Brookey!
Thank you all for all the compliments. I didn't tell you my story to make it seem like I'm this perfect person and I make no mistakes. Like Dre said, I know I can be sensitive and internalize things, so part of writing this blog today was to simply put it out there that no matter what I'm feeling, I'm letting it go for the greater good. It makes me physically ill to hold grudges so I'm doing this for me. I agree a discussion needs to be had - but clearly now isn't the time for it.
My issue was mainly about the issue of feelings...which I think Rameer hit on beautifully. There have been times when my friends have come to me and said "you don't call me...ever!" And if I know that to be true, I apologize for their feelings...even when I could be like "well, you don't call me either." I have had friends who got mad at me for forgetting to call them on their birthday ONE year out of the 13 that I've known them, even though they've forgotten mine 10 times. I could sit here and name several instances where I felt their hurt feelings weren't warranted. But these same people mean something to me, and so if I did something to hurt them, even unintentionally or not really at all - I still say I'm sorry for their feelings. I may go on to tell them how things are from MY point of view, but I never come off like, "you know what? you're buggin! and how DARE you accuse me of hurting your feelings!" and then switch it up on me. That's what I felt like yesterday...as if I had done something to THEM. That is the part I take issue with.
Who knows if we'll talk about it anytime soon. I'd be lying to ALL of you if I said I didn't already miss the friendship. But maybe this time apart will just give me more insight into exactly what the friendship was. I may have overestimated it, and therefore I just needed an education. These things happen for a reason, and I'm sure the lesson will be learned in due time.
Brooke You have touched on a VERY important topic. BIRTHDAYS...LOL
LET THIS BE A REMINDER TO ALL MY BLOG BUDDIES THAT MY 30TH BIRTHDAY IS ON FRIDAY MARCH 27TH... I EXPECT A SHOUT OUT FROM EACH & EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!! INCLUDING CRAIG..WHERE THE HELL IS CRAIG LATELY??? LOL
Maybe Craig is on a Green Peace Mission :-) LOL!!
You will definitely get a birthday shout out from me on March 27th!
This so reminds me of a situation that happened with a former friend of mine. She basically “ended” our friendship before I had the chance to do it. She knew what she had done and wanted to transfer her negative energy onto me – all the guilt, sadness, and hostility that she was feeling every time she looked into the mirror could only be alleviated by ending our friendship herself. Perhaps this person is trying something similar by telling you that she is not yet ready to talk so that you can feel as she did before she wrote to you; now everything is on “her time”.
I remember last year when you and I had a minor misunderstanding, you addressed it directly, honestly, and immediately. The FIRST thing you said was “I’m sorry; I didn’t realize it”. We had a chat and it was squashed. THAT’S HOW FRIENDS HANDLE THOSE KIND OF SITUATIONS. So to just reiterate the general consensus, this person is NOT your friend :(
And I’m with Rameer when he said” If you say the words "my feelings are hurt" to a friend, and they don't react to try to dissuade those feelings in some capacity, that person is NOT the type of friend or person you need in your life.” But the cutting…well, I don’t need a record!! :-)
Annamaria: you didnt give up the taser for lent?? LOL
HECK NO.... I'm not crazy... LOL.. I'd give up eating before i give up the taser....LOL
Brooke, I wanna read what Serena sent you (if you dont mind).
I usually dont comment but today i have something to add.
Last year I had a disagreement with a very close friend and i told my side of the story to my crew. They all advised me to "cut that bitch off" because i was hurt and they wanted to protect me. So, i cut her off, i thought i didnt need her. 7 months later she was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. I look back now and realized that her feelings were hurt too. If you truly consider this person a friend you will give it time and talk about it later. Life is too short. After i leave chemo i cry because of the time i lost. I know this blog family of yours is very protective and they dont wanna see you hurt. If you truly consider this person a friend dont give up so soon. Who knows, they probably reading everything that you have blogged about and that probably got her upset.
Rene will tell you, i am the most protective friend. I will curse someone out in a minute if you hurt my friend. After this experience, i let friends handle things without my opinion (i will listen).
On another note, i cant wait for RT Thursday. I need to laugh cause these past two weeks have been hell. Maybe Amanda will reach 150 :)
Jess I'm sorry about your friend...
And you know what I never even looked at it from that prospective. Yes you are right we don't know if maybe this heifer (SMILE) is going thru some ish...LOL
On the flip side of it. That does NOT mean that Brooke has to get abused and/or disrespected. We all have ish going on & some peoples is deeper than others. Everyone handles things different & this maybe this chicks way of handling things.
All in all Brooke is a very sensitive person & even with all of us tell her CUT & TASE this chick she will NOT just cut that person off. I know for a fact that she will talk to this person & try to make amends & only walk away if her heart really tells her too. Yes tomorrow is never promised BUT that doesn't mean that you should allow yourself to be miserable today.
Agreed @ Annamaria. Brooke- you know what is best for Brooke despite what we all say here.
Jess - so sorry to hear about your friend. :( always horrible to hear about someone getting cancer. Such a horrible disease.
There is still alot I don't know about the situation. I'm trying not to take it personal, because this person can only see our situation from HER perspective. We haven't discussed it yet, but dust needs to settle...but in the meantime, I'm letting it go. I don't take this to mean that we don't care about each other. I don't think each of us thinks of the other as not having been a good friend. It's complex.
The reaction is what is troublesome. Flipping it is what is troublesome. The part that I regret is that I lost control through the third party involved. He called ME, brought up her name, and got me to talk to him about her, all in what I perceived to be a private conversation. The minute I spoke to him, I lost control because he told her what should have come from me. He didn't give me the opportunity to give my side. But that aside, instead of talking to me...she took what he said and ran with it. I lost control over how the message was delivered, over reacting to reactions. Maybe he was surprised at my candor. Maybe she was too. I don't know what was said between them, so I'll leave it.
Bottom line is what's done is done. The question now beomes "what do we do now?" I can see how it all happened, where communication broke down. It's okay for this to bother us, or make us emotional. There's nothing wrong with that. This is the first turning point we've come to. I've been here with many friends. I've been here with men. The thing is, what did we do when we came to these crossroads? How did we handle conflict. This is what separates friends from people who aren't. I've given people the benefit of the doubt. She is no exception, and nothing is irreversable. There is so much emotion involved that maybe time is the only thing that can fix it. I tried not to respond to her emotionally, but who knows how it was received. I don't know. My blog today may have seemed emotional, and that's okay too.
I'm not giving up on anyone. I've told her that, I've said it's not a deal breaker. But maybe that's not for me to decide. There's alot about the situation I don't know, so in the meantime, I'm letting go and moving forward. Everything is out in the open, it's just a matter of seeing where it goes from here. I can't expect the response I think I'm entitled to. I don't expect anyone to prove anything to me. And I don't have to prove myself to others. That's pride...and I set it aside. Maturity will dictate where this goes. I'm not beating myself up over it, and I'm choosing to pray, for BOTH of us. I will forgive and let go. Simple as that.
Oh, and Jess, in the blog, I highlighted what Serena wrote, it's the link to her blog called "Letting Go of Yesterday." Great post!
Hey Jess, very sorry to hear about your friend. The blog I wrote is titled Letting Go of Yesterday. Brooke attached the link in the blog but just in case you want to go right to it then here ya go:
http://divinewryte.blogspot.com/2009/02/letting-go-of-yesterday.html
Also Jess and Dre thanks for giving a different perspective on the situation.
Brooke just pray on it and let it go. If y'all are meant to talk to one another then the time will present itself.
Exactly Pray on it & if you are meant to be friends you will. And if god tells you that you are not meant to be friends let me know so I can tase her!!!!!!!! :)
Oh and regardless that gossipy dude needs to get tased too.. Damn I'm glad this is my last week at work I got a LOT of tasing to do..LOL
Serena that was awesome.
I'm so sensitive, I get hurt so easily, I take everything personal and I hold on to alot. Ima start letting go.
Jess I am starting a list..Let me know if you need me to tase anyone??? :)
lol, I love you already Annamarie.
I've prayed on it, which is why I decided to make this my post for today. My blog is kind of like an open diary. When something is bothering me, I usually write it down. But in this case, it wasn't about what was bothering, but about letting go of what is out of my control. Trust me, I would only be able to get to this point after having prayed on it. And I still have more praying to do, but I'm good. I appreciate all the comments today. None of you who commented know the details, and I'd never give them in a blog when I haven't spoken to the person it pertains too. If anyone knows the details, they didn't come from me. Only my sister knows, which is probably why she didn't comment - because she wants to be fair. (who knows...she may later tho, protective as she is) :-)
Friendships require work. Some more than others. Some are worthy of the time invested, some not. I guess I'll find out if this friendship is what I thought it was. I tried putting myself in the other person's shoes, I just wish she would have done the same with me.
Brooke, if you dont mind me asking does this person read your blog? Cause if so, that's probably why she is mad. I would be very upset and offended if my friend discussed our issues on a blog before discussing it with me.
Sorry about your friend Jess. At least you can be there with her when it counts.
However all friendships aren't worth saving and that is just a reality. I guess thats what you need to decide Brooke. Also if the people who wronged you are upset from reading your blog then maybe it's because the truth hurts. We all know people who don't like to hear the truth especially when it's about themselves. They must obviously not care about saving the friendship either if they don't want to talk about it with you.
Annamaria I need your address so you can read my book ;-) good luck on your final week.
Jess...anytime! Feel free to follow my blog as I add more pieces :)
Brooke...I love how you said your blog is an open diary. I'm so hurt that I'll be in a stinking 6 hour "Community Conversation" tomorrow. Problem with it is that no one from the community is invited "huh." But I'll try and sneak on so I can hit up the blog for RTT :)
Serena email me at annamariafelix@yahoo.com and I can get you my address...
P.S. that email address will be working on my birthday March 27th in case anyone wants to tell me happy birthday! lol
Jess, I see your point. But I'm not discussing details. My discussion today isn't about happened between us. I'd never say, "I said" and then "she said." I'm not like that. The topic of my blog today is about friendship, feelings and forgiveness. I didn't name any names. I didn't give details. Like I said, the only person who knows the situation is my sister, and she's not commenting. If anyone else knows, or thinks they know, then they're going off of something someone else told them...and not my side of the story.
Not for nothing, I've discussed many things personal to me on the blog without giving specifics. We all have. I haven't disrespected anyone. She said that she may be able to talk to me "one day." To be fair, she did call me in the beginning...as an afterthought. I wanted to call her last night, she didn't want to talk. It is what it is. She may decide she never wants to talk about it. She left it at one day. I had to move on from it for my own sake, and not harp on it til that "one day" happens. This blog was for me, and me only. Not for sympathy, not for revenge, not for any of that. It was about letting go, which is why I cited Serena's blog and her words of inspiration. Anyone who thinks this blog is about them personally is reading it the wrong way and needs to examine why they feel that way. The subject line is what this is about...friends, feelings and forgiveness. And if you ask me, there's nothing offensive about that....not at all.
The one thing I can say regardless of who this person is, what they did or why I must say that I personally appreciate the people that commented today. It's really nice to see people comment based on what's in their hearts & without all the bitchassness or hateration! lol. I mean you can tell everyone that commented had Brooke's best interests regardless of anything else & that is really rare to see especially from women these days..(no offense but you beotches seem to be the exception..LOL)
Especially you Jess. It took a lot to step out on that limb & give her a different point of view against what we were all saying.. It could have gotten you tased. But I really think it was sweet that you thought further along down the road.. :)
my feling is, even if she does read the blog, it shouldnt mater. Booke never went into specifics or used any names. she is just putting a sutiation out there that has affected her. some of us are here to just sit back and enjoy, some of us are here just to respond (negatively or positively), and some of us are here to learn. if she does read this, i hope that she can look at it from an objectiv point of view and really take a long look at their relationship. the ball essentially is in her court since she chose to respond in a dismissive way rather than saying, "wow brooke, i really didnt know you felt that way. let's get to the bottom of this". even if she DIDNT agree with how brooke felt, she could have ACKNOWLEGED brookes hurt feelings and AT LEAST apologized for that. she could also say, "i understand how you feel but please understand that im hurt too based on..." and then gotten into it.
no one should dismiss a friend who is hurting; especially when they feel like you are the cause for their pain.
Liz, you get it. The blog isn't about exposing anyone. It's about feelings. I have a hard time when someone I care about is hurting. If anything, I tend to OVER apologize. I apologize to people even when I know what they're telling me is bullshit, just so they can't say I was insensitive to their feelings - because I hate when that's done to me.
I remember the situation well between you and I Liz. When you called me and asked me if I was mad at you or had a problem with you, that really bothered me, and I don't think I said "I'm sorry you feel that way" fast enough. And I told you I would do better, and I think we've been better ever since. I consider you a friend, even if we don't agree on something, anything. If I hurt you, then I own it...and I try to fix it. If I don't, then that tells you something.
I didn't give my version or any other version of a story. My blog today was simply that I felt hurt and dismissed...but that I choose to forgive and move on anyway. That was my message. If some people get mad at that, then they missed the message entirely.
Sorry about your friend, Jess. I feel your pain - been through it before myself.
And I'm surprised so many people saw my perspective...thanks, guys! It's all about reality.
Brooke - like I said, regardless of anything, once you impart your feelings and a person doesn't react, that's all I need to know and see. It's hard, and harsh, but the only person in charge of protecting your heart is YOU. Anyone else who does so is a blessing, but YOU have to protect it, because YOU'RE the one effected most if it gets broke.
You're one of those people that, like my friend Bridget says, needs to "channel Rameer every once in a while". Lol...
You do you...but protect yourself mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It's negative energy - I try to expel all of that away from me in my personal life. Your biggest mistake seems to be talking to this BITCHASS DUDE who went running and causing trouble between you two, making matters worse. Send him to Buffalo - Snitches still get stitches where I'm from...
Here's a good rule of thumb in life that I've followed since I literally was a little kid - don't put any words into the air unless you expect them to be printed on the cover of the NY Times. Seriously - adopt that mentality. Even when I tell someone something in confidence or "just between us", in my mind, I'm prepared for if they do spill the beans. I'm the type of dude to say "yeah, I said it, and FURTHER more..."
That way you can never get caught up in someone saying "Oooo, you know what he/she said?" Or trying to rat you out. Everyone knows I'll say whatever is on my mind, and if I say something to another person about you first, it's only because I haven't had the chance to talk to you yet - but I AM going to say something, and let you know I said something about it to someone else. I trust very few people to keep things 100% private - not cuz I don't have faith in them, I just have faith in human nature.
Just assume that, no matter who you are talking to. If you adopt that philosophy, you literally will never say a word that you don't mind people hearing, and it won't put you in any awkward predicaments or misunderstandings. If I have any pause about saying anything, I literally never verbalize the words to a single human soul. But I find it very freeing that everything I say I am at peace with if the entire world knows - so there are never any "did you say" or "such-and-such said you said" situations. It turns some people off that I'm so brutally honest and blunt, but it gives me peace of mind to never have to worry about the words I put out into the world. It's like Biggie said:
"If I said it, I meant it, bite my tongue FOR NO ONE..."
It also helps if your mother was the same way when you were growing up. We're very...different, in human aspects and how we view and react to the world. My sister and brother are more "normal"...
My original point still stands. Cut this chick OFF. If you need anyone to fill the void that may be created once she's gone, you have your first volunteer.
GO RAMEER! lol LOVE IT!
Awww, thanks Rameer :-)
And when I spoke to him, I told him I didn't feel the need to discuss it. He took it upon himself to tell her what I said. I hate when people think they know my situation better than me. But you're right, I should have known better, but I didn't say anything to him I wasn't prepared to say to her. If I discuss a situation about one of my friends to another one, 9 times out 10 I've told the main person first. "Runtelldat" aside, the problem I have is that when a story is RE-comminicated, it's never exactly as it was stated the first time around. There are facts that get mixed up, they may have a different inflection or tone when re-delivering my words, they may not tell the whole story, or they may outright lie. That is the problem I had with him telling our conversation, cuz nothing is ever redirected verbatim. I just wish she would have confirmed with it me before reacting to it. We might not be where we are today.
But you're right Rameer, I've definitely learned my lesson with regard to personal conversations, and I'll take your advice to heart.
And thank you for offering to be my friend...I already consider you one, and I've never personally laid eyes on you. Love ya!
Love ALL of you! :-)
Well said. I have had a falling out with someone who I considered a best friend. We will forever be linked together. It was over money owed to me for work that I did for them. I was having a baby and that made the issue more important to me. I remember my last words to them was "the only way to make things better is to do what you say". After that didn't, I had no other choice but to sue them.
Unfortunately, the case was the same day as my daughter birth. I had someone go and represent me in court. I won, but I also found out that that they didn't even show up to court. This angered me more. But the thing that enraged me the most is the fact that this situation will always be linked to the birth of my daughter. The day I never expected to see, hand in hand with the happiest day of my life.
I have learned to try to forget the past. Forgiving is another story. I was taught an eye for an eye, but that is had to do after starting a family. I have realized that this person is in denial of what happened. They even tell people that I am doing fine and had a baby. We haven't spoke in nearly 2 1/2 years.
I'm not one for righting on blogs, but after reading serena's and Brooke's blogs and reading all the comments (especially Rameer's). I am considering starting a blog about my feelings about the situation as a form of taking control back.
Sam!!! Hi!!!
I'm so sorry that such a bad memory is tied to the birth of your daughter. But you have to forgive and move forward so that such a blessed day isn't linked to a bad memory. Sometimes people don't know what to do when they hurt you. Sometimes it's more important for them to be RIGHT than to say "I'm sorry I hurt you." It's so easy to do, yet so hard. I hope that you can get your control back, because it sounds like it is really still bothering you.
I had a falling out with one of my best friends that lasted 2 years. Even though I said it didn't bother me and I feel the time apart did us some good, I knew there would be a time we'd talk again. I reached out to her, even though I felt I wasn't the one who caused our falling out, and 2 months after we reconciled I was the maid of honor in her wedding. Sometimes relationships can be fixed. I never close the door unless I feel someone is maliciously trying to hurt me. I don't feel that that is the case here, but at the same time, I think this person feels HER version of the story is the right one. Your friend probably feels that he was right in some way, even when the situation is black and white. We can only hope that we find peace and move on, and that's why this blog was about for me. So if you feel the need to start a blog to resolve some hurt feelings, I say go for it! I'll be your first follower!
Unfortunately my "friend" can't feel that he was right (I hope not, LOL) cause the dispute was about money owed to me for work I did.
Thanks for the kind words.
Money between friends is always touchy. It's sad that with a baby on the way, he decided not to pay you back, that's major. I try not to let money come between friends, I usually don't mix the two, and if it's money I can live without, then I just give it, not lend it. Your case is different because it was for work done, not a loan or a gift. That's tough. Business is business, friendship is friendship. I'm so sorry that happened to you. But try not to associate that day with your daughter. She's a blessing, and nothing should overshadow her day. Try to just let it go...and start that blog!
Sam I Am Wilson! What's up!!!!!! Man I'm in full agreement and say start that blog and I will follow it too! I too am dealing with a sticky situation. One of my girls who owes me money for framed poetry. My fault...I trusted her to make payment when she said she was and let her walk off with some frames.
I can't believe she still hasn't paid me, not even returning my calls, emails...nothing. So when it comes to money and friendship it goes to another level. You expect more from them...but I'm learning having my small business to treat everyone equal in regards to procedure of payment. And if they say some ish like, "But I thought we were people..." I'll say..."We are but you gotta pay me like you would any other person."
So get that stuff off your chest Sam so we can all get on your blog and support! And give that sweet daughter of yours a hug and smooch!
And thanks for the props on the blog ;-) Peace!
Here's the rule with money:
Never lend out even a penny without the expectation that you won't get it back. Never do something for a friend or family with money involved unless they pay you half or most of it up front. If you do go forward and do something, do it with the expectation you won't be paid.
If you go in with this mindset, you won't ever get upset if you don't get the money. You won't even ask about when you'll get the money.
I once put my best friend in this awkward position (John Bursie, Serena and Sam know him). We had gone to SU for a visit after we had graduated, and I wanted this dope-ass b-ball jersey. Didn't have the moolah...he bought it, $50 beans.
He asked me once for the money, and I didn't have it. He's never asked me again...and I felt bad that I hadn't paid it back, but he told me years later "you're my boy. We spend money on each other like nothing...you've bought tons of things since then for my wife, my kids, you look out for my family - I never really wanted the money back".
And I have had that attitude ever since. If there is any chance I will want or need the money, I don't lend it or do the task. That way, we don't let the root of all evil tear us apart.
Nuff said. Oh, Brooke - cut that chick OFF.
LOL! Rameer, you're adorable.
Unless it's a huge amount I can't afford to do without, I generally just give it as a gift instead of lending it. I've had friends ask me for several hundreds of dollars before and made sure to be like "look, we're friends, but I need this back." If I even sensed hesitation, I didn't do it. I hate to see friends in a bind, but I don't want to ever lose a friendship over money. That's when you break out the pen and paper and sign a repayment agreement. It sounds petty, but it's necessary. And gladly, every friend I've ever lent money to paid it back - but again...only because it was a HUGE sum of money in my opinion. Otherwise, if they need it and I can part with it, it's theirs, no questions asked.
Work done though is different. That's a service, a business. Sam and Serena have a business, so in their situations I'd be pissed that someone took advantage of the friendship. That's wack.
Rameer, you got me addicted to these Ne-Yo cd's! I love you!
Brooke,
I can totally relate. 100%. The exact same thing happened to me a couple of years ago and I had the nerve to go on a trip out of the country with that person a week later. On top of that, I tried to convince myself that I was surprised that she and I returned to the states never to speak to each other again.
The reality is that when you think of the most literal translation of "accidentally stepping on someone's toes", despite the fact that you had no idea their toes were there and had no intention of stepping on them, unless you are the size of a baby, that person's toes are going to be in some level of physical pain. So you apologize-- not because you meant to hurt them, but because you DID hurt them. A true friend, in my opinion, doesn't allow pride to get in the middle of that distinction.
Like you, I've been the toe-crusher at times. ;-) I have noticed friends start to get distant with me and I would just come out with a clueless apology for whatever I did to offend them. Sometimes it turned out not to be personal and they were going through something, but other times it WAS something I did that I didn't realize was offensive. So it became a learning lesson and as a friend, I made pains not to repeat it as most people would.
Though you really should let it go and not allow it to continue disturbing your oh-so-positive flow :-), at the very least, you may want to relax your ardor in your friendship if you are not looking to let that go too. Over the years, I've found that the hardest thing to learn is someone doesn't care about you and/or respect you as much as you care about and/or respect them. There's a combination of disappointment, hurt, humiliation, confusion, and anger-- all negative emotions and all hard to deal with at once. But the reaction doesn't always have to be dramatic (sometimes it's necessary). I've found that you can either let that person go or just use your new-found perspective to relax your feelings to the level at which they've shown themselves to be. Either way, your spirit will restore and you will get whatever you're supposed to from what the rest of your life has to offer.
Good luck Sweetheart.
KP
Thanks Kellie!
Yes, I think what I have to do, and what I've done in the past is re-evaluate the friendship and operate from there. Like I said, maybe I overestimated the friendship - so now I know what the deal is and I will act accordingly. Not all of my friendships are the same, I don't have the same expectations from them all. So I just need to readjust my thinking and keep it moving. It is what it is, it'll work itself out.
Thanks Kels for your insight!
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