Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Fury is on vacation, so you all are stuck with me today. Someone actually sent me a “Dear Fury” letter to forward to him (the nerve!), so hopefully that will serve as our TMI Tuesday blog for June…if he doesn’t answer the letter sooner as a guest.

Now…today’s topic.

I don’t watch porn. The first time I watched one was in college, my freshman year. Ironically enough, my roommate "borrowed" a tape from a guy she was dating so I could see one – and he is now a very famous porn star. Go figure.

But as I watched, I remembered not thinking that much about it. The music was awful and there was no plot. I’m supposed to believe a cable guy just shows up and d*cks down an unsuspecting housewife? Yeah, okay. I know it’s all fantasy, but gimme a break. My friend reminded me that porn was not a film that I normally viewed in one of my classes for critique and meaningful discussion, but was simply meant to get you off. I quickly dismissed porn as ridiculous and not for me.

Until I saw another one...a GOOD one...years later…then I got it.

Those people had skills. They could do tricks. I was intrigued by their prowess, and it let me know just how much I DIDN’T know when it came to sex. The sex I was having was boring by comparison, so like the good student that I am, I tried to learn something new.

My next boyfriend would be my unsuspecting guinea pig. I was gonna try something I’d seen in a flick and rock his world! “Regular sex” Brooke was gone.

I attempted what I can only describe as a hybrid 69/reverse cowgirl combo….whatever that is. I should try to come up with a name for it, like the “Lynn Spin” (for any of my Girlfriends fans out there). It was going to be my signature move and he’d be addicted to me forever.



Now keep in mind, I was in my 20’s when this was going down. I was in MUCH better shape, and even with a bum knee, I was very nimble. I’ve never had a problem with flexibility, and my enthusiasm was that of a cheerleader. It was gonna be on and poppin’!

At first it was great, and he was thoroughly pleased that I took some initiative in the “puttin’ in on him” department. I’ve always been an active participant in my own sex life, so I was stepping up my game so to speak. I took pride in that actually :-)

All was going well until we got a little too excited. I was buckin’ like a banshee, a wild child in a sexy rodeo until….I fell off the bed.



Yes….I fell OFF the bed.


He shot me right off.


Luckily, I didn’t fly into the wall or bust my head on my dresser….or get my head stuck in a headboard (Stef) :-) I simply fell to the ground like a little kid flying off of a swing. I was okay physically, but my ego was bruised. I felt so silly until he jumped up like, “Baby, are you okay?” In that moment, I lifted myself up, looked him in the eye...and CRACKED UP! Tears streamed down my face as he read me to make sure I was really fine before he joined in on my laughter. I always thought sex was supposed to be fun, but not hysterical!



Since then, I think I’ve come close to falling off the bed maybe 2 more times. I’ve become more aware of my surroundings in the heat of the moment. Thank goodness I’m not much of a drinker, cuz Lawd knows what bedroom mishaps I would have suffered if I’d actually been drunk. By the way, having sex with a drunk person can be dangerous as well, simply because they don’t have a full grasp of their faculties, and therefore their body, as much as they should…and can accidentally knock you in the teeth or something.

Most people forget sex is exercise, so if you’re trying to have sex like a porn star, you might need to get in shape. I’ve pulled many a “sex muscle” trying to twist my body like a pretzel or get into some position I had no business attempting. Nothing dries you up more than a Charlie Horse…trust me.

So…with that said, STRETCH before you try twisting someone’s back out. I’m a back breaker when I’m in shape, but otherwise, it’s best I don’t enter the Sex Olympics until I get my weight up. I will say that it feels good to be sore from sex the next day – that means you did something right.

Since it’s TMI Tuesday, it’s your turn to tell us of any bedroom blunders or sexual mishaps you may have suffered as a result of trying to have sex like a porn star. Let’s hear it…sometimes love hurts!

Go!

-b

35 comments:

Stef said...

FIRST BITCHES!

Stef said...

Okay, why did Brooke have to mention me in the damn blog with my head getting stuck in the headboard! I'll never live that down! LOL!

DMURRAY said...

Long time no speak. I checked today and look what topic I walk into.......

Wow.. falling off the bed! That is classic Brooke! I remember being with one babe and just before mutual satisfaction was reached we BOTH passed gas pretty loudly! That was pretty funky! Sex, gas.. I was discussed at her but could not way too much cause I busted @ss too!

I also remember on time freshman year I had a neighbor in BB. Of course the walls are super thin! He heard my jumpoff and I getting it in and started banging on the wall telling us to keep it down She is cusing him out and we are still going at it until well fell through the bed. By no means do I think I am a bed breaker. I actually did a horrible job of putting it together when I moved in! My neighbor heard it all cause he was trying to study. He just started busting out laughing and so did we.

Domina*Tricks said...

THIS WAS HILARIOUS!

briancarter said...

About 10 mins after midnite...Regular missionary position.... broke the headboard at the Holiday Inn New Years Eve 1978..pulled it off the wall.

Brooke said...

LMAO!

Brian, why does that not surprise me? :-)

Stef, you have the best bedroom hijinks story EVER!

Brooke said...

and D....that story sounds like something that would happen to you - breaking beds and whatnot :)

Jay said...

This was funny Brooke.

All of my mishaps involve pulled muscles and rug burn. I wind up having sex on rough surfaces :)

Ms. Penn said...

My worst sexual mishap didn't involve bumps and bruises - more like making the mistake to have sex outside.

I was trying to be adventurous, and decided to have sex in a park behind some trees and bushes, etc. It was summer time and we took off too many clothes since we were hot.

Next thing you know, we're attacked by mosquitos! They were everywhere! We quickly stopped having sex cuz we were getting bitten so badly. We got dressed and left.

The next day, we had mosquito bites EVERYWHERE....especially our butts! Let's just say I was scratching in places I care not to mention. I've never had sex outside again.

Brooke said...

ouch!

jakynd said...

I found out what a "squirter" was before ever knowing the term/condition. Back in the day (1992) and I'm hangin out with (what I considered) one of the finest sistah's on the face of the planet. We hang out, jazz concert, dinner, take a walk down by the lake, and back to her crib. Couple of drinks later we're goin' at it. I'm on her, she on me. She ridin' me like she invented Brooke's Hybrid 69/reverse cowgirl combo. She let's me know she's about to "GO THERE" and when she does, I felt this crazy warm, watery-thin fluid running down my leg and all over me. I jumped up (freaked the Hell Out) cuz I never seen ish like this before. Cum to find out later she was a squirter. Of which I couldn't get enough of after that. In the words of Kevin Hart..."IT WAS KRAZY"!

Brooke said...

no comment on the squirter thing - that was an another TMI Tuesday blog :)

The Cable Guy said...

okay, so here we go. It's TMI Tuesday.

It was my first time getting head. This girl was going at it and I was standing while she was on her knees going to work. She was a pro.

I felt my legs getting weak cuz it felt so good. Next thing I know, I bust and my legs collapsed under me and I fell on her. I let out this yell like a girl and I scared the shit outt her.

I never got head or ass from her again. Let the clowning begin.

Stef said...

LMAO!!! aaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Courtney said...

Once a guy and I were having sex in the shower and we both slipped, fell out and ripped down the shower curtain. He slammed his face on the sink and needed 20 stitches.

Jay said...

While we're at it, can we talk about sand in your ass from the beach or a girl breaking your dick?

Brooke said...

I have TEARS in my eyes! LOL!

all of this sounds so painful though! a "broke dick?"

and how did you fall out the shower???

Jay said...

A broke dick can happen when ou thrust too hard and hit a wall, or when a girl is riding you. THat's how it happened to me. This girl was bouncing on me (reverse cowgirl now that you mention it) and made a wrong move and I swear she almost broke my dick bending it out of shape. I wanted to cry it hurt so bad.

Courtney said...

@Brooke,

We fell out of the shower because I lost my balance. We were having sex standing up obviously and I had one leg up and one down trying to hold on. I fell and pulled him down with me. Imagine us trying to explain what happened in the ER. Too embarrassing!

The Cable Guy said...

Damn, I thought my shit was bad LOL!

Stef said...

I don't feel so bad anymore!

Tanisha Malcom said...

In my 20's one of my suitors had the nerve to break out a Magnum...for no damned reason. He could barely piss on his balls, but he's buying Magnum's? Needless to say I pulled my panties all the way up to my chin and broke out. Okay so he wasn't well endowed, fine, perhaps he can work the little that he possessed. The bigger issue is that he is perpetrating a fraud carrying around Magnums when he knows he needs to go down a couple of sizes. Give me a break man!!! Needless to say, I didn't have sex like a porn star that night!

DMoe said...

Fellas,

Does anybody remember the "grinder" in college? You know, the chick that just wanted to rub 'gens' until she came without penetration?

And of course, my dumb azz participated long enough for her to get the orgasm sans-penetration, and me to get a 'brush burn" once. There's no pain on earth, like a proverbial "carpet burn" on the Mayor of your town.

It just aint right.

It aint a sexual mishap, its just stupid, and I was guilty.

A mishap would be when I was 'actively involved' with a chick in my mom's car in high school (86 Toyoya Celica). We were sexual healing in a park one night, and I went long on a pass (metaphor), kicked the car into drive, and ran it into a tree. 2 minutes later, the cops show up in the darkness.

In the confusion of explaining the story and trying to find my pants, the girl's shoe fell out the car.

We realize this as I'm driving her home that night. "No problem! I'll go get it tomorrow."


Of course, I gotta explain the big green scratch on mom's whip after it grazed a tree earlier, but whatever.

The next morning, I head out, go to the spot in the park, see the shoe, go to retrieve the shoe, and leave the car in DRIVE. The car hits the same tree AGAIN in a different spot.

I'll just stop there.

Dmoe

The Cable Guy said...

LMAO! @ "rub gens" LOL!!

Damn DMoe!

Suddenly my story seems not so bad :)

Mr. Nice Guy said...

@DMurray,

Farting is one thing, but farting while getting head? Yo, baby girl's face squiched up wit da quickness and she never came near me again.

Stef said...

@Tanisha,

Those dudes are teh WROST! Once I was with a guy who just KNEW he wore a magnum. We going at it and he came and hurried up and jumped up. I thought he was going to throw the condom away and that's why he got up so fast. NOT!

Don't you know I found the condom INSIDE me 2 days later??!! This fucker didn't tell me the damn condom slid off cuz it was too big for his ass in the first place! I was mad as shit!

Stef said...

I meant "the WORST" TYPOS!!!

Anonymous said...

Once I put warming lotion on this girl's p*ssy thinking it would help her get wet/lubed faster. Big mistake.

She screamed in pain at the heat and jumped up. She had an allergic reaction to it and swelled up down there. The heat didn't help. We put her in the shower with cold water to cool it, but it didn't work so we put ice on it. That was the worst night ever.

The Cable Guy said...

Stef needs to wear a helmet when she was sex :) LOL!

The Cable Guy said...

Stef...TWO DAYS LATER? WTF???

why didn't you find it SOONER?

#nastyass

Domina*Tricks said...

okay, I'm going to gross everyone out a bit, so I apologize in advance.

Once, I was getting drilled so hard that this guy made my "cycle" start. But it was A LOT. It looked like a crime scene and he FREAKED OUT. He was hung like a horse, so I was a bit surprised at his reaction because I would have assumed it had happened to him before. Never happened to him.

He got up and showered and never called again.

Brooke said...

that's happened to me before, but dude didn't freak out. He just washed his sheets like it was no biggie :)

um...Stef...I'm gonna need you to find these things sooner :)

Tanisha's comment had me in tears @ dude barely being able to piss on his balls, LOL!

Only DMoe would run his mama's car into a tree while having sex... and then crash it AGAIN! :)

I'm convinced showers are the most dangerous place to have sex.

Anonymous said...

Does getting caught by her dad count? And if he didn't kill you both and gave you time to leave are you crazy for letting her "finish" by giving you head right in the same front door he just walked in and saw you?

Stef said...

@Anonymous,

Yes, you ARE crazy! You have a death wish! LOL!

webcam chicas said...

I prefer soft porn though. The rough one is hot too.

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