Wednesday, May 4, 2011


Married Women and Cheating...by Anonymous

As a male, I have always wondered if women cheat. In college, I unfortunately found this out on my own when a girl I was seriously dating and madly in love with broke the news to me. She was my first love and I was completely devastated. It shattered my belief that all women were as virtuous as Lula Bell (last name omitted to protect the identity of this writer) :-)

As much as I had previously contemplated this question, as I’ve grown the question morphed into “Do married women cheat?” To give you some perspective and before allowing you to weigh in, I am a 38 year old single male that works in a professional setting where the ratio of women to men are about 7 to 1. As a relatively attractive (relative to me and my momma!), I have experienced quite a dynamic in this environment.

When I was first hired, I heard the hushed tones that emanated throughout the office about the “new guy.” I would get a random walk by of my office or, when they were feeling particularly bold, come right in and launch into conversation in spite the fact that it was known I was in a serious relationship and there were children involved. I purposefully left the impression that I was involved despite not being in an actual relationship. It can best be described as letting an alcoholic run loose in a liquor store. I figured if I set boundaries, then no lines would be crossed.

The exception being the one relationship I elected to pursue, or should I say the one the pursued me?

This relationship was questionable from the start, not only because we work together, but because she was actually…….Married. What was more shocking to me were her efforts at flirting and how this relationship developed. It was an agonizing decision as she was/is absolutely gorgeous and commands the room whenever she is present. I would see other men come into our office and hit on her relentlessly…and to think she was interested in me.

The relationship developed over 2 years in spite of this encumbrance. We spoke frequently (nightly) via phone both in and out of the office for hours a day. I could not wait to “take her ass down!” For the next 18 months I engaged her. For 18 months we flirted. Then we flirted some more. And that is all we did.

She would ultimately decide not to give in to her inhibitions, in spite of professing her love for me at one point. I had grown quite attached, and frankly was crushed by the situation (Guys I know… I set the game back ten years with this one!) You see, for 18 months she convinced me of how unhappy her marriage was and she was trying to leave (Do all cheaters use this line??) etc. We had kissed just once, and had even sexted - yet she could not bring herself to “do it.”

In my mind, “you sent me naked pictures of yourself.” I’m confused. She shared a part of herself that only someone with whom she was intimately involved with should see, yet she felt she had not cheated. She considered her actions innocent and worthy of the way her husband treated her at the time - but not cheating (WTF???)

There have been other attempts, but I have not dared to cross that line again. However, I am curious: How many of you married women have actually had extramarital affairs? Please indicate what your definition of cheating is. Would you ever reveal it to your spouse? I have a sneaky suspicion this happens more than most women care to admit.

Guys: How many of you have had an affair with a married woman and has it changed your perspective on marriage?

-Anonymous

79 comments:

The Cable Guy said...

First bitches!

Take that Stef!

DMoe said...

Damn. NIce work Cabe.

DMoe

Stef said...

Huh? How did that happen!?

well, I read the blog and I'm not married so I can't speak on it - but sounds to me like the woman you were speaking about had some serious guilt issues going on. And yes, she WAS cheating.

Emotional cheating is just as bad, if not worse than physical cheating - so she's delusional if she thinks she didn't cross the line.

I have cheated as a single person before and I broke up with the guy right afterwards. I had to come clean, but it let me know that the relationship wasn't working.

And I've been the one cheatied WITH - and yes, I'm convinced ALL married people use the same line - they're not happy at home. Meanwhile, all they want is their cake and eat it too. Married people who say that are liars - they just want to make you NOT feel guilty about cheating WITH them, not because they're genuinely separated or care for you. My two cents.

Sillouette said...

3rd !!!! Im will be first one day!! LOL

People who cheat in any form suck!! People involved should not cheat period, married or not. ANd yes I do believe women cheat more than people think. Women just get away with it more.

The Cable Guy said...

I cheated while I was married, I can admit it. It was wrong, even though I felt justified at the time. But I didn't have to sell that my marriage wasn't working - women were willing to cheat with me just because. There were one or two that wanted the "proof" that I was separated or whatever, but for the most part, they were attracted to me and just down with it.

HOWEVER, once I ended my marriage and got into my first serious relationship after my divorce, I was the one cheated on. It rocked my world. Now I realize what I had done was so hurtful.

I think men have this idea that we are allowed to cheat and that women are supposed to be the "good" ones and hold us down and forgive us when we cheat. So when it's done to us, we're devastated because our ego can't take that some other dude is giving our woman what we can't.

I WILL say that when I was cheating, it wasn't because my ex was't giving me something. It was because I was greedy. Women I think cheat for more emotional reasons...thus those hours long converstaions the author was having. He was fulfilling a need. In the end she couldnt' do it, meaning sex...but she was definitely cheating.

Anonymous said...

I agree with you both! What I find particularly disturbing is women are actually much much better at it. I often wondered how she held these long after hour conversastions with her hubby at home. I bet if he saw the pictures he'd agree she cheated!! Anonymous

Stef said...

maybe she was dependent on him and knew that if he found out, she'd be homeless! So nekkid shots were as far as she could go comfortably - without being kicked out onto the street!

The Cable Guy said...

...or without getting choked out! LOL!

Sillouette said...

@Cable Guy

Yes women do cheat for more emotional reasons.

But there will ALWAYS be cheating for the simple fact that there is always a woman out there willing to help out in the cheating and be the other woman, for multiple reasons: emotional , to have their egos stroked, for thrill to see if they can win the guy away from his girlfriend/wife, or because they were cheated on so they want to do it to someone else, lonely and want some attention from anybody willing to give it to her.

But ol girl in the story cheated emotionally whether she wants to believe it or not. And she grimey for doing so. And writer is wrong for entertaining it. If it was your wife sexting, flirting and etc with another man you’d be livid.

*No man likes the thought of another man playing in his garden in any way at all* I don’t care who he is..

Sillouette said...

I know how she got away with it for so long.... Sh always made sure to delete her text messages clean out... LOL... And she had his anme under a females name..and please believe she made sure to have her phone on vibrate... ALOT.... LOL

Cheating Wife said...

As a married woman who has cheated before, it was mainly because I felt un(der)appreciated at home adn taken for granted. It's one thing to see attractive men around you or in the workplace, but another to find one who you are compatible with. It sounds to me like you were providing what she was missing at home, which is what my lover was doing for me.

It starts off friendly, but the attraction only grows once you realize how much you have in common getting to know each other and spending time together. It's only a matter of time before it turns into something physical.

Women get attached very quickly, so she probably realized that she had fallen in love with you, but could never really make herself available to you. Then there's trust issue. How relationships start is how they end, so there is usually no happy ending to these types of situations. She probably realized that and decided to end it before it got more complicated than it already was.

I wish I had done that. I left my husband for my lover and I have regretted it ever since. Not because I want my husband back, but because my lover couldn't trust me - because he figured if I could leave my husband, I could leave him too. It's best to make a clean break so that when one relationship ends, another can start on a clean slate.

Sillouette said...

@Cheating Wife

I see where your coming from.. But like that saying goes" Never trade your apples in for lemons".lol. But aleast you learned from your situation. And yes your right women get attached very quickly...TOO QUICK... lol I bet your ex husband wishes he didnt take you for granted like he did.. And shame on him for doing so...

Anonymous said...

@silohuette um can we say experience? Wow, the to end your post with I'm wrong for entertaining it? I don't disagree, but I think you need more insight into your comments. As far as why you cheat....WHO CARES?? I really want to know IF you have cheated. I also feel like others here in that she was fulfilling a need. I have cheated. I have been cheated on. I am alot more pragmatic about things as I've grown older. I didn't force her to send me naked pics. And she initiated the relationship. It doesn't absolve me of any wrongdoing, but I was actually the least of his concerns. Your wife is sending naked pictures. Absolutely no discretion. I could get past the cheating as long as no evidence remained...

Cheating Wife said...

@Silloutte,

My lover was more the apple, my husband was the lemon. I wish I was brave enough to leave my husbadn sooner so that when I met the "apple" the "lemon" was out of the picture completley.

I think for most people, they wonder if what they'd be leaving for is better than what they have. In my case, he was...but it was the WAY it was done. It's selfish to hold on to your spouse AND a mistress/lover and expect something good to come out of it. It's not fair to all involved.

The Cable Guy said...

@Silloutte,

I was gonna say the same thing Anonymous said. I'm assuming you've never cheated before - good for you. But part of growing is learning from past mistakes. I was 21 when I got married, too young to even know myself, let alone what love and commitment really are. That’s no excuse for cheating, but to me, immaturity played a huge part in why I did it. It wasn’t to be malicious or hurt anyone, but I couldn’t see how my actions affected others til it happened to me. Now I understand. Sometimes you have to go through these painful experiences so that you never repeat them or hurt anyone ever again. No one is perfect, and if I hadn’t gone through that, I wouldn’t have learned that lesson.

Jay said...

Good post.

And you didn't set us back 10 years by your honesty.

Contrary to what women think, men DO get attached and fall in love with women they cheat WITH. It’s not always about being greedy and trying to hurt anyone. Men cheat because their needs aren’t being met just like women do, and if you find a woman who you feel appreciates you, pays attention to you, or gives you whatever your significant other doesn’t, then you can fall pretty quickly.

The problem comes in not being honest about the situation and trying to be with both. Even if you’ve checked out emotionally with your woman/spouse, you’re still “physically” there, so you’re not completely available to give yourself to someone else, and that’s selfish like “Cheating Wife” said. It’s best to just break it off completely, which is easier said than done….especially if there are kids involved. It’s not easy to break up families, so people either suffer in silence or try to find some balance by spending time with someone who completes the situation.

The sad part is people cheat and then the people they cheat WITH catch feelings, and then it gets messy. But the person cheating can just as easily get hurt as the person they’re cheating WITH. Best to be honest from the gate, and if you can’t make it work at home, then leave.

Sillouette said...

@Anonymous

No I have never ever cheated EVER in any of my relationships... I have been cheated on sadly...However I totally blame her of all her wrong doing. She pushed it so its her bad for doing so..Oh I know you didnt force her to send you naked pix..lol.. and you arent wrong for looking at them either.. LOL... Apparently she wanted you to see her goodies. lol

I thought maybe you would of walked away after you found out she was married, thats why I said you was wrong for entertaining it. But hey you got a beautiful woman pushing up on you.. Guess I don't blame ya.. LOL.. Atleast you learned from it, and thats a good thing.

P.S. I did not mean to offend you. My sincere apologies.

Stef said...

Let's not jump on Silloutte! She's new here! LOL!

Sillouette said...

@ Cheating Wife..

Okay I see. Aww too bad it didnt work out wit you and your apple... Good thing you left the lemon eventually.. Its no good felling being under apperciated...

Sillouette said...

@ Cable Guy

No I have never cheated. Just been cheated on. And maybe thats why its hard for me to understand the action.

I totally get what your saying friend :)

But Like I told everyone else in the room. Atleast you learned from your experience and thats the great part about it all...

Sillouette said...

@ Stef

Hey Blog Sis!! Its okay.. I'm not taking offense to anything.. I guess i ruffled a few feathers and I didnt mean to. And I wholeheartedly apologize if I offended anyone.

But I am learning from everyone so I accept and appreciate all feedback..lol

I never turn down an oppurtunity to learn from another person. :)

Anonymous said...

@sillohuette no offense taken. Pardon my gruff exterior, prolly why I'm single. At the end of the day I will say this. I STILL felt crushed like that was my girl!! Never again. As my mom would say, leave her where you found her!!! Jay thx for comment. You really don't need an excuse to cheat. Just be prepared to deal with the consequences. I am secure in the fact that karma exist. It lives right on the corner of I told you, and how's that feel blvd.?

Anonymous #2 said...

I hate to say this, but to answer your question – marriage is a no-no for me now due to all the married women I’ve boned before. Sad, but true. I would be hiding out in cars, in dude’s bed, hotels, dicking down his wife and they were sneaky as hell about it. Women get away with so much because men idealize them. We don’t think it can happen to us, meanwhile I’m tearing it up. I don’t mess with married chicks anymore, but I damn sure ain’t getting married. Women can be worse then men!

DMoe said...

Somebody said it earlier, women are just much more savvy at it than men are.

But to the other point: men do get attached just the same. Interesting topic.

Life can appear to be so simple, cut and dry, black/white, but as Mike Tyson said "everyone has a plan til they get hit".

Dmoe

Sillouette said...

@ Anonymous

LOL..:O) It’s okay. Your teaching me and answering questions I always wanted solid answers to. So I appreciate your honest comments. I once ALWAYS said that people don’t cheat if they don’t have a reason hard valid reason to.. I said it for a looonnnggg time.. Until it was done to me and I kept asking why , why , why, when I was doing everything and the comments from your blog confirmed it “ A reason isn’t needed”...

I thank you..

And Yes Karma aint no joke.. That thang comes back way quicker then it use to now days in any form. So I totally agree with you again there.. lol

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous #2. Let me tell you, the office is full of this kind of woman. I've walked in innocently to conversations and they weren't pretty. Of course in trying to rid herself of guilt she discussed others in the office who had participated in cheating. In fact, a co worker of mine who was cheated on is now involved with a married woman. Sleeping in that mans bed etc. To hear this huzzie refer to others around the office as nasty? She doesn't know I know about her and she was refferring to yet another married woman who was sleeping w hubby and ex hubby at the same time. Scandalous. I repeat I work in an office of highly educated, carousing women apparently. Interesting note. There are literally 4 black women in the organization. 2 were/ are having affairs. Sad, sad, sad.

Anonymous #3 said...

I cheated on my current husband twice. Once physically & once emotionally. Both times because I was not getting what I wanted out of the relationship but I still loved him & wanted him to give me the attention I was getting from these other men. Leaving him never crossed my mind because we've built a life together. Been together 5 years & we have 2 great kids together.
The fact of the matter is I never got caught. I stopped because I felt guilty. And I'm sure if he would have found out it would have been the end of it. To be perfectly honest the emotional affair made me feel guiltier than the physical one.

Anonymous said...

@sillouette always wanted to know these answers. I figured the only way to get straight talk is from the source. If you ever ask this question in person maybe due to peer pressure, but the general consensus is usually "Not me, I would never."

Anonymous said...

@ anonymous#3 in my Esther Rolle voice DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!! God wondering is worse than knowing for a guy. And I totally agree that an emotional attachment does far greater damage. As far as staying for the kids or the life you've allegedly put together, that's not a marriage my dear, but a business arrangement with benefits!

Sillouette said...

@ Anonymous...

LOL... You know what..... You are absolutely right...Because actually there are a few people I know personally INCLUDING the one that cheated on me that said those exact words.." Oh NO, Not me , I would Never"!!! And the was doing some dirt... LMAO

LOL... Ahh you hit it on the head, so freakin true!! LOL

You all sure gave me a eye and ear full today!! lol

Anonymous #3 said...

@Anonymous... You are right. At the time it was a business arrangement with benefits. Luckily we've worked out our issues and have a much stronger & fulfilling marriage. I would never dream of cheating on him today..

Rameer The ILLAbstract said...

I have unfortunately had the opportunity to cheat with A LOT of married women. And I NEVER have - not even emotionally. As soon as I've detected I'm in their crosshairs, I cut off any connection that would even give them a hint I could be "that dude".

I don't do the whole married woman thing. Then again - where I grew up, I know a good number of people who got seriously effed up, wound up in jail - OR WORSE - due to cheating on their spouse.

Seeing a corpse as a child due to cheating tends to make you NOT want to end up like that due to the same actions...

The Cable Guy said...

Damn Rameer! You saw someone dead because of cheating??? Do you mind if I ask who was the corpse? the man or the woman or the third party?

Sillouette said...

@ Rameer.

Geez louise. Man you gave me goose bumps... But your right as well.. And I know from experience.. I pushed through a glass window because catching someone cheat..Blood everywhere.Ands I have ugly scars on my arm from it all. And he could of called the police but he didnt. BUT I do know if he did. I would have been in jail AND would of went back to a jail again after I got out becase now Im pissed for two reasons ,#1 you cheated, AND you put me in jail.. Its a vicious cycle..

So yes sir you are absolutley right.

Sillouette said...

Dang a corpse tho... Wow, Imma be thinking about that the rest of the evening... Whoa!!!!

Im sorry you had to see that especially as a child Rameer, not cool. :(

Anonymous said...

@anonymous #3. Tell the truth shame the devil! Glad you all worked things out. From a male let me tell you this, if he ever finds out it's a wrap. And have you really healed when he knows nothing of this past? In essence you are still perpetuating a lie by not telling him.

@sillouette thank you for all your insight today. Thank you to all the ladies for your honesty. This is fascinating to me.

Anonymous said...

@anonymous #3. Tell the truth shame the devil! Glad you all worked things out. From a male let me tell you this, if he ever finds out it's a wrap. And have you really healed when he knows nothing of this past? In essence you are still perpetuating a lie by not telling him.

@sillouette thank you for all your insight today. Thank you to all the ladies for your honesty. This is fascinating to me.

Courtney said...

I've cheated before and agonized over if I should tell. But I felt like I learned my lesson and was never going to do it again, and telling would cause more harm than good. Sometimes we want to tell, not because we want to be honest, but because we want to absolve ourselves of guilt, even if it means hurting the other person. Personally I feel some things are better left unsaid.

Sillouette said...

@ Anonymous

Thank you my friend..:) I learned alot today. Great Post!!!

The Cable Guy said...

@Anonymous #3 (all these incognegroes!) LOL!

Don't tell. You might end up missing. Men don’t take that ish well…and you might get choked out. No matter how good or strong you think your relationship is, he will be devastated and probably leave you. Don’t do it.

Anonymous said...

@Courtney that's rather convenient. And a really selfish justification in my opinion.

@ everyone because I neglected to mention this. Eventually my 1st girlfriend and I were back together. In trying to work through those issues neither of us were equipped emotionally to handle that at our age. So I held it over her head as long as I possibly could, but i was so young and in love I didn't see it for what it was. She eventually ended up being with this guy and they have two kids together. Before anyone dares to jump to the conclusion she made the right decision, we still talk to this day. She is trapped in a horrible physically viole t relationship. All she gets this time is a sholder to cry on. You made your bed......and...well, you know the rest!

Sillouette said...

@ Cable Guy,


Boy you said a motuh full there..LOL.. MISSING!!!!! lol

Rameer The ILLAbstract said...

Actually, if I'm honest - I saw A FEW corpses as a child. I don't go into my childhood TOO deeply, but I'll say this - when people went to go see films like Menace II Society as kind of a revelation of how some people live? I saw that as neighborhoods in my city.

The corpse I saw was "the other guy" who was cheating with the wife. I won't get into the gory details, except to say the details WERE INDEED gory.

So yeah - I don't mess with married women. And I've had some really attractive ones hit on me - if I know you're married, I will EXPLICITLY AND BLUNTLY nip that in the bud.

The worst to me is women you used to deal with years ago who are now married, and are probing you to see if you'd be down with doing them on the side. Last month, I had a woman I dealt with years ago reach out to me on some "long time no see" type of ish. I thought that's cool - she was good peoples. In conversing with her on the phone after going back and forth on Facebook, she told me during that convo I was "the best she ever had" and that she misses that. and wishes we could just relive those sexual experiences.

After a very long pause, I told her it was COMPLETELY inappropriate to be talking like that when she's married and I'm in a relationship. She kind of tried to laugh it off and went "Please - don't act like you're all prudish". I told her I didn't find anything funny about her saying she wanted to relive sexual experiences with me, and told her I was blocking her number, and I removed her from my friends' list on Facebook and blocked her.

I really don't play with the married woman thing. It can be LETHAL. For real.

Anonymous #3 said...

@Cable Guy & everyone else... Telling was never a thought in my head... It's in the past & it will stay there.

Anonymous said...

@sillouette Fair exchange ain't no robbery. These discussions are only valuable when people participate. What I'm most proud of about the post, discovering that there is more commonality than we think between male and female thought processes in terms of cheating. For the most part we all recognize at least the emotional toll we pay....

Stef said...

Well, we can agree to disagree. I personally think TELLING is more selfish when you only do it to make yourself feel better...not the other person.

Jay said...

Brooke is rather quiet today. She posted the blog and bounced!

Anonymous #2 said...

See, women ain't shit!

But then again, some men have made them that way, so I can't say nothing.

Brooke said...

I'm here...just lurking :)

Jaz said...

I know married women who have cheated and never got caught. They stopped before the husband found out because they realized what they had at home was not worth losing. Husbands never found out and they are happier now because of it...so not sure telling now would mean anything. If it stops before it doesn't go far, then maybe the relationshipo is salvagable?

The Cable Guy said...

All I keep hearing in my head with this topic is Carl Thomas..."and I wish I never met herrrrrrr, at all all all!" LMAO!

Brooke said...

@Cable Guy,

I thought the same thing!

"...but she stilll belongs...to someone else....maybe in another liiiife, things could be the wayyy we both...desiiiireedd" LOL!

Anonymous said...

I hear everyone with the don't ask don't tell but I'm sooooo glad she told me. It definitely foretold her character, not to speak of my own which has taken some work to home itself. For those of us who are spiritual, you can not come face to face w your spirtuality and not question your character. But I digress, although I would like to think I have evolved, there are so many things about her I do not like and have never liked about her as a person. And we're friends in the sense that I don't make enemies. We will not be on those terms although we wish happy birthdays and such. Her cheating did two things: made me aware she was not for me, but it also playd some part in me cheating for the first time as well. Cheating is toxic. Glad she did though, they are both miserable and stuck with each other. And he cheats..... ALL the time......I think she lives right on that corner....

Sillouette said...

@Anonymous

Ohhh i bet its miiisssseeerrable being her right now... smdh...

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