Monday, May 23, 2011
So my co-worker comes to me this morning, “No blog post today?” I tell him that I plan to write something…just don’t know what it is yet.
“Any suggestions?” I ask.
After we go back and forth about basketball and whether calling someone a “faggot” is okay or not in the heat of NBA playoff battle – I decide to save that blog for another day…it made my head hurt.
“I have one for you. A friend of mine and I were having a discussion about cheating. He wants to know if thinking of someone else during sex with your partner is cheating.”
Of course, being me, I had to ask who he was fantasizing about. Was it Halle Berry…or an ex girlfriend? He said out of the hundreds of times he’s had sex with his girl, he only fantasized about someone else twice. Once was with a chick he never actually had sex with, but who he WISHED he had had sex with, and the other was with an ex.
I think I was more impressed that he had only fantasized about other women two times. That takes some serious mental stamina…cuz face it – most of us are just lazy. It’s easier to dream of Idris Elba or the trainer at the gym than to actually FOCUS on your partner…or is that just me? Just me? Okay…moving on. :-)
Men are visual creatures, so it only seems natural to me that they keep a bevy of exes, celebs and any woman in between in their mental playback during sex.
But guess what? Women do it too. I know fellas, it’s hard to imagine that we could possibly be thinking of that Pro Football Player one-night-stand we had while you’re giving us the long stroke…but it happens. More than you think.
If we’re honest with ourselves, most of us have probably fantasized about someone else while having sex with our partner - but should we feel guilty? I don’t think we should.
It’s okay for your mind to wander into the fantasy realm from time to time. But what does this say about your relationship? If you’re still pining after your ex and thinking of him/her while you’re having sex – then maybe there’s a problem. But if you’re dreaming of Salma Hayek, I think you need to just get over it.
Some people feel that any kind of connection, physical or emotional, to a person outside of your relationship is cheating. Others say it’s only human nature and we all do it…so it’s nothing serious. It’s not until you get into the grey area that we can spark any real debate. That grey area would be the relationship itself.
Fantasizing about someone other than your partner during sex could be a healthy addition to your sex life. It’s only a sign of trouble if there is some other disconnect happening where the thought of being with your partner physically is emotionally or mentally agonizing.
On the surface, it may seem hurtful to consider that your partner would think about someone else while having sex with you, because you think it means he or she doesn’t love you or is detached from you. But many psychologists say it’s actually a sign of a healthy sex life. Think about it; if you weren’t deriving any pleasure from your partner at all, you would be too bored or depressed to even fantasize. Now it might be LAZY of you to fantasize rather than focusing on your partner…but hopefully it’s only happening THAT NIGHT. His friend said he only did it twice, which suggests to me that MOST of the time, he’s getting all he needs from his girl both physically AND emotionally/mentally.
But throw in marriage, kids, routine, monotony, and you might need to conjure up an image of Beyonce or Boris Kodjoe to mix things up a bit.
Fantasizing is born out pleasure, not so much about wishing your partner were someone else. It’s an ego boost for you more than an attack on your partner’s self esteem. It can also be a healthy way to add variety to your sex life - again something which signals a sex life that is alive and thriving rather than one that has become boring or non-existent. You can think of it as a “safe” way to cheat :)
There is a world of difference between thinking and doing. Simply thinking about someone does not constitute making an emotional connection with that person - much less a physical one. And without that kind of legitimate bond, it can hardly be considered cheating. We’re all human after all: just because we commit to someone doesn’t mean we stop being attracted to other people. Cheating only comes into play when you ACT on that attraction.
So if you find yourself picturing Darren Sharper (that man is FINE) the next time your partner is beating the brakes off you doggy style, don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s perfectly normal; and as long as your heart is in the right place, there is nothing wrong with letting your mind drift a little bit.
What say you? Is it cheating, and should you share your fantasies with your partner - or just keep them to yourself?