Friday, October 30, 2009

TGIF!!

Tomorrow is Halloween...and since I'm in a Michael Jackson kinda mood...why not?!



What ever happened to Ola Ray?

Michael Jackson was so cute!!! I'd watch MTV all day waiting for Thriller to come on. I didn't get tired of it then, and 25 years later, I still don't! RIP MJ!

Now...I'm not big on horror movies per se. I'll watch Halloween or I Know What You Did Last Summer, but those movies don't scare me. If anything, they just make me say under my breath, "Are you f*ckin' kiddin' me?" Why? Because they're all the same.

Why I Don't Watch Horror Flicks:

1. We all know the black guy is gonna die within the first 5 minutes of the movie. Well..maybe not anymore. Maybe they let him live until half way through the movie. But for the most part, he's a dead man. And it's always one black guy and/or girl with a group of white people. You'd never find a group of black people at Camp Crystal Lake where they heard 50 people were killed 100 years earlier. Never happen. He always dies putting up a fight though, right?

2. People always get killed while they're doing something fun and distracting - like drinking, smoking weed or having sex. How many times have we seen the monster go after the dude who's high off his rocker in the woods by himself, or stab a big ass knife through the bed to kill the unsuspecting couple doing the horizontal mambo? Or he catches them just as they're about to do it and takes an ax to the head of the girl in the lacy red bra as blood oozes down her cleavage. Gimme a break. The prudish, good girl never gets killed...ever notice that?

3. "What was that? Let me go see" - by myself of course...in the dark. Why do white people go investigate strange noises...in the basement...or in the woods...by themselves? Let me tell you something, if it was a group of black or Latino people, we don't CARE what the noise was - we gettin' the HELL OUTTA THERE! Forget going to see what it is, we'll find out what it was later - RUN!! And if we MUST find out what that noise was, WE ALL GOING to see what it is...not just one person. And if we manage to get OUT of the house...there's NO WAY we're going back in. But nooooo, white folks just HAVE to either go see...or GO BACK and see. Later for all that! I'm out!

4. I wanna know how the killer always manages to cut the electricity off and disconnect the phones...and no one's cell phone ever works. "Can you hear me now?" NO! Wanna know why? Cuz no one brings a damn cell phone charger with them in the woods, and if they do, they're always some place where they can't get reception - so they can't call for help. Dumb asses. Yet, the killer always leaves the flashlights in place with the batteries in them. Yeah, ok.

5. There's usually a mirror scene. You know what I mean...the sexy girl is taking a shower and steams up the bathroom mirror. She rinses her face, puts her wet hair up in a towel, and then wants to see what she looks like...so she wipes the condensation off the mirror only to find a creepy killer dude in a mask in the reflection standing there waiting to kill her...because of course she couldn't FEEL him or hear him sneak up on her.

6. If they happen to have a car, the car never works. They run from the psycho killer, turn the key and low and behold - the engine won't turn over. They're pressing their foot on the pedal, turning the key over and over again, but nothin'. The monster catches up to them and either yanks their stupid asses out of the car, or the car starts at the last minute and the killer is dragged 100 feet (but not killed), or he jumps on the hood of the car and jams a pitchfork through the roof and splits the stupid teenagers wig in half.

7. Speaking of the killer catching up to their prey - why is it that the killer is always WALKING and the dumb teenager is RUNNING, yet he always seems to catch up to him or her? The killer is never in a rush - taking his sweet ole time. Why? Because the victim will ALWAYS trip and fall and they NEVER get up in time to get away from the WALKING monster. Da f*ck outta here.

8. You know someone's gonna die because of the scary music. Like in Halloween, you KNEW someone was gonna get it when the creepy Mike Myers music started. Sometimes I'd wish the idiots in the movie could hear it so as to say, "You hear that? You gonna get it fool! Run!"

9. Oh, and that's another thing - fools yelling at the screen in the theater. And y'all might get mad, but I'm gonna say it anyway - it's always US black folk yelling at the screen. And I don't know why we do it...it's not like they can hear us, and we know they're gonna die anyway! This is what we paid our money to see, right? Yet we always seem surprised or angry when white folks "don't listen" to us or the black guy dies. We KNOW better.

10. And last but not least, the damn psycho killer monster dude NEVER dies. He could be decapitated, knifed in chest through the heart, drowned or burned alive...and he WON'T die. How many times have they killed Mike Myers? Like...15? Dude, die already! We always see a hand reach out and grab someone from somewhere when they're supposed to be dead - and cue scary music and credits...so they can let us know that they'll be a Halloween 17. Some bullsh*t.

Okay, I'm gonna stop there, cuz I could be here for days talking about the parent who doesn't think it's weird that their kid has a creepy imaginary friend and talks through his finger talking about "red rum, red rum!"....see....there I go again. But you get my point. If your kid sees dead people, get the hell out!

I actually like suspenseful movies like The Sixth Sense rather than slasher, gory movies, but I refuse to go see Paranormal Activity. I have nightmares, and I'm not paying my money just to go home and be afraid of my own cat and the ghost that lives inside him. Yes, my mind will take me there.

Have a great, safe and fun Halloween. If you dress up, I wanna see pics!

-b

24 comments:

momo925 said...

FIRST BITCHES!

DMoe said...

FIRST BITCHES!!!!

What!

Dmoe aka The Notorious F.I.R.S.T

(reading)

momo925 said...

AHAHAHAHA WONK WONK WONK... Think again The Notorious L.A.S.T.

signed Monica aka "not so sorry to bust your bubble"

LMAO SUCKAAAAAA!!!

elizabeth017 said...

morning fam!!

i know right?? no one's cell EVER works!! remember nikki's wedding?? i didnt get cell reception up in the woods and i told leo that the FIRST sign of trouble, we're out! lol

-V- said...

Funny black movie theater moment:

After a nice dinner, my ex-girl & I decided to go see a movie. Since I went straight form work I was in a fly suit and she was dolled up. When we go to the theater ther was NOTHING to see really so we ended up with Steven Segal flick. As we're side-stepping to our seats, sista-girl yells out:

"This is 'Exit Wounds, not 'Phantom of the Opera'!!!"

THAT was funny!

Brooke said...

LMAO!!!! V, that was hilarious!

You should tell the funny black comedy club moment we shared on South Street :)

Damn DMoe, you JUST missed it! And who do you lose to? Momo, funny!

The Cable Guy said...

DMoe lost to his boo, I'm sure he's not that mad, LOL!!

Brooke said...

oh, and Liz, you're so right! Her wedding was over the river and thru the woods. But let Mike Myers show up, we'd have all jumped him and kicked his ass! LOL!!

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Dmoe wasted a good a$$ name!!! LOL

Yeah I stopped watching gory movies a while back cuz they just dumb. But I admit..back the day Jason scared the shyt outta me. But I usually laugh at them.

But on the reals..one movie I can not watch and will never watch again... The Exorcist... GET DA F*CK OUTTA HERE.

So when I'm about 15.. I decide to watch the exorcist at home by myself... No problem. So as I'm watching.. there is the scene where the priest is at home in his basement listening a rcording he had made of that crazy heffa babbling. When I swera ..sho nuff..as he's listing .. that crazy heffa clear as day in that devil voice says my name. (As not to give away my super secret super hero identity I won't say the name) But for those of you who know who I am and are not deathly afraid to watch the exorcist again... I lie to you not!!!

Brooke said...

LMAO!! Pretty Ricky, don't you know I have never seen the Exorcist simply because people tell me how it scared the bjeezus outta them. I'll never watch it.

I was messed up for MONTHS after watching The Shining. That's the movie that did it for me.

Stef said...

Pretty Ricky, you ain't neva lied! The Exorcist was scary as hell! You watched that by yourself? I'd never watch a scary movie by myself, ever!

Jay said...

B, thanks for the Thriller video, that shit is STILL hot to this day!

DMoe said...

@Momo -

You may have won this round, but you still Florence on the Jeffersons. That makes me George sucka...Now go clean the bathroom before Tom and Helen Willis get here.

Anyway,

@Cable Guy -
Imma let you slide for all that yesterday. Please allow me and Momo's hatred to blossom in its proper form...

Here's my Exorcist story -
I was the smart-azz kid that had to see what all the fuss was about when I got to a certain age. After all, there's nothing like hearing my dad talk about how my mom was DYING to see it for months before its release, and hounded her man to take her to see it. They stand in the long line, get all the snacks, settle in, and its on. Ten minutes into the film, my mother "barfs" and runs out of the theater screaming terrified. Needless to say, the date was over.


Now, back to you Mo aka Wiggie Smalls, watch your back sucka...

Sincerely,
DMoe aka Suge @Night

The Cable Guy said...

Y'all should just bone and get it over with - release all that tension between you two! LOL!

B, the Thriller video is still that ish! Good one!

I'm not really a horror flick kinda guy, but the first Saw was good! Haven't seen any of the other ones though...that was enough for me.

Rameer said...

Two things...(1) "scary movies", no matter what they are, pretty much NEVER scare me. Outside of the original Halloween and the original Alien, both of which I saw as a little kid and were the first of their genre (everything has been built upon those templates ever since), I just have never been scared. I can see how certain movies scare other people, but not me. I'm usually cheering for the killer...I used to creep my cousins out cuz I laugh during most horror films.

(2) I was never scared of The Exorcist. Like, NEVER. Weird, I know. The Omen was creepier to me.

Addressing Brooke-Ra's points:

1. The Black guy in all horror and/or action movies dies either near the beginning or towards the latter part of the film defending a white protagonist. The exceptions are if said Black actor is a headliner...and then, it's 50-50.

2. True!

3. This is true, but I believe it's actually realistic. I see white people do ish in real life that we would NEVER do. And I'm not just talking about in the news - I'm talking in real life around me! I've been with some who hear a noise and go check it out...I'm always like "Shoooot. This ain't MY building...I ain't goin' nowhere for you white fools, AND I'm clutching my knife..."

4. The cell phones don't work cuz they're always out in West Bummblef**k. we would never even take the trip to the woods/haunted house...

5. Yup!

6. Yup again!

7. Only Michael and Jason (cheap knock-off of Michael) walked. Everyone else would chase yo ass.

8. Yupperz!!!

9. I yelled when I was little. But that ish got old...I DO, however, laugh like it's Richard Pryor on-stage. I really find that ish hilarious...

10. The killer CAN'T die! He's evil incarnate, one of the Devil's spawn. Wouldn't be fun if you could just kill him so easily.

But there are some truly great Horror flicks. Don't write 'em off. I never understand why people get so scared, cuz if you can notice all the things Brooke-Ra pointed out, what are you scared of? Even if it's something like The Ring (great flick!), I'm always like "every actor got paid - why be scared?" Maybe cuz I'm into film and TV, I look at it different. I dunno.

But ones that incorporate religion or children are always the creepiest...

annamaria said...

Monica is sooo funny I don't even wanna tase her for being first!!! Lol
I LOVE scary movies. At least the old ones cause the newer ones are never scary. Except the Saw movies but at this point how many fucking killers are they going to have to continue the series??? six different saws & like 5 different killers??? WTF!!!!
And why was my crazy almost 3 month old laughing when she saw Daddy's Michael Myers mask???? Makes me wonder about that lil goofball!

momo925 said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE scary movies! They hardly ever scare me but I like watching them.

Here is my scary movie moment. My big brother Kenny took my youngest brother and I to see "Night of the Living Dead". I would say I was about 4 or 5 years old (no business watching this movie) and my brother was 9 or 10. So flash foward to a night or two after we have seen the film... Kenny is babysitting us. He starts pretending like he's one of the zombies, screaming "I WANT YOUR BRAAAAINS", and letting milk trickle down his face along with the blueberry muffins he's been eating. Needless to say this was all too real for us. My brother and I ran into the back room and locked Kenny out. I'm crying, my brother looks in the closet and finds a silver aluminum bat and proceeds to tell me in a sad but convincing voice "don't cry monica, its gonna be okay. When I say when...you open up the door really fast and I'm gonna knock him out with this bat. He's not our brother anymore! You heard him, he wants BRAINS!"

LMAO!

Well we didn't succeed in knocking Kenny out. He came out of character quickfast when he saw the bat and damn near beat our a$$es for attempting to take him down.

Brooke said...

LMAO!!!! Mo, your family is hilarious! Don't forget, I have passes to see The Fourth Kind next Tuesday!

Brooke said...

Oh, and Annamaria, Austin in that mask is the best! I should post it!

Yolanda said...

Scary movies don't really bother me. My mother loves them so she'd let me watch them and I just got used to them. I still scream but I find them funny. America's Most Wanted used to scare me because those were "real" people.

Now, the Elephant Man and Mask? Oh, those effed me up! I STILL cannot really look at the Elephant Man. I've never sat through the whole movie. When I'd channel flip as a kid and see it pop up, I'd drop the remote and run away from the TV.

annamaria said...

Yeah she giggled when she saw him try it on!!! Lol

Anywho I'll send u the pics of us in our costumes sometime this weekend!

Anonymous said...

The only reason I'd go see a scary movie is to take a date so she could hold on to me or jump in my lap. LOL!

Georgia Peach said...

Just stopped by to say hello... I can't watch horror movies at all if I can help it they make me not wanna sleep.

Brooke said...

Glee! I missed you!

And I read your blog from Facebook, great stuff! You go girl!

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