Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Turning in My Player's Hat

Happy Tuesday everyone!

She hasn't guest blogged for me in a while, but I read her post on her Divine Wryte site today and wanted to share. I've had a similar post brewing in my head on this topic for a few weeks now, so it's right on time. I'll just add my 75 cents in the comments...so let's get to it!

Turning in My Player's Hat...by Serena Wills

I know this piece is talking to either somebody or a few people...

When my friend Ethan (named changed to not put him out there) told me that he’s tired of all this dating and wants to settle down, I almost passed out. He’s truly attractive, and I’ve seen him grow over the course of our 20+ years of friendship. He loves women - all kinds - and they would flock to him. I mean, who wouldn’t? He’s smart, witty and charming. Great job, has his head on right and is learning from his mistakes. But he just wasn’t ready to settle down. As we sat on the phone, he laid out his master plan to me. I thought to myself, “My God, we’re grownups.” We want to have families, see each other blow up and live our dreams. I was still in shock that my brother is turning in the players’ hat for a wife. He’s been through a lot in his life. When he lost his Grandpa shortly after I lost mine, I felt his pain. His sound board was gone. All of the wisdom of listening to an elder man was silenced.

He never wanted his crew to see his pain but we knew he was hurting when he dropped off the face of the earth for a year. My Papa has been gone for over 8 years now and I still miss him. I wish I had the opportunity to ask him questions (especially in the dating department). I do through prayer, but there is nothing like hearing his voice.

Anyway, a few of my male friends are turning in those player hats (heck even some girlfriends of mine). They are tired of this crazy dating game, settling down for the one that brings them joy - and sometimes throwing in the cards cost a price. Some friends won’t and don’t want to understand. They are steadily tripping because they feel as if you are leaving them out in the cold. You don’t hang out in the clubs as much or at all, you prefer a lounge with a nice drink and conversation, your shirts aren’t as fitting but you still look good, etc. Men don’t deal with this as much (at least I haven’t seen the cattiness).

But even for dudes, they get the locked down jokes. Okay, so what you’d rather hang out with the wife instead of drinking brews with your friends. You start hanging out with men who are married like you and are done with clubbing and trying to get numbers at the end of the night. Sometimes friendships will come to an end. Paths won’t connect because a party doesn’t want to let you go, and if you love that man or woman then you have two choices - Tell them I’m sorry but I’d rather go club hopping and hang out with my peeps, or make your friends understand that this is a new chapter in your life. Either deal with it or don’t.

I’m personally happy for a few of my friends that are all in love, making strides to walk down the aisle sooner than later - because when I see them with their partner, I see nothing but love. We still hang out with each other and even go out. But I’ve grown as a person too; I don’t like the loud clubs as much. I like to chill over the weekend, go listen to a live band, open mic, etc. I even love going over my friends houses that are married and have kids (I swear they throw the best bar b ques and get-togethers). Secretly, they are an inspiration to me as I see a whole family get down and have fun but still want to involve their friends in their life. Turning in your player's hat, cards, black books, and everything is fine. It’s a signal that you are growing up and want to take life to the next stage - and this time with someone who you honestly love with all your heart.

As one of the pastors used to say in church back in Dallas, “All you single people who have friends getting married...don’t hate…motivate!” Everyone would crack up, but he had a good point. Look to them as a source of preparing for your future, and if you are a good friend then let them go and be with their loved one and not cause any drama. Appreciate that your player friend has handed in his/her badge and said…I’m done.

-Serena

71 comments:

Brooke said...

First Bitches!!!

(feels funny saying that on my own blog) LOL!!

now...

This is an interesting post, because it supports everything I’ve heard and read about men and how they commit. They say a woman falls in love and wants to get married, whereas a man decides to get married and then finds a wife. This sounds like Serena’s friend wholeheartedly.

I’ve read that with men, it's 49% the right woman, 51% his readiness to commit – so that while compatibility is important, if he’s not ready, he won’t commit to you – no matter how great you are. I know it pisses off a lot of women who put in a lot of time with someone, be a great girlfriend, wait forever, and then decide to move on…only for the man to marry the next chick that comes along after having only been together for 6 months. No one wants to build him up for the next woman to have. But what it all really comes down to is him being ready. You could be everything that he wanted, but just at the wrong time. Such is life.

I think men can fall in love - easily even. A man might fall in love, which requires the capacity to idealize. That means thinking and feeling like his partner and the relationship are uniquely special, enabling him to ignore imperfections, which, in turn, makes him feel valued and special. But the capacity for true love – for both men and women - comes when they accept their partner for who they are, not who they want them to be. They can accept imperfections, don't run away and actually want to make it work - which is the true meaning of commitment - and they know they have the emotional stamina to withstnd a real relationship.

That comes with maturity, and we all reach that point at different times. It's almost a numbers game, and who will be at that point with you at the same time.

Ms. Patra-son said...

Brook u don't count...

First Bitchessss

Ms. Patra-son said...

Brooke

Brooke said...

Okay Tameka, you can be first - even if you did initially spell my name wrong :-) LOL!!

Ms. Patra-son said...

I tell you it's like an adrenalin rush to be first LOL... my bad Brookey!

The Cable Guy said...

Whew! I originally thought this was written by Brooke...and when I read the title, I was about to be upset! Thank goodness B isn't turning in her player's hat YET - cuz that means I still got a shot! I bet B secretly has mad heads checkin for her and she downplays that ish!

Anyway, as for the blog - great post Serena! And your right, your boys will look at you sideways when you tell them your in love and want to settle down. They hate, cuz they don't want you to be happy and they think being in love means losing your freedom. But if you have the right woman, she won't make you feel like you're missing out on anything, she'll only build you up and enhance your life.

I've missed out on a few great girls cuz I thought I could do better, or because I wasn't ready to stop being a pimp, but after a while that ish gets old. I'm happy for your friend and hopefully the woman he settles down with will appreciate that he chose her to be that special lady.

Stef said...

I have to admit, I've been that woman who was all things to her man, was wifey material, and hung in there for years thinking he'd come around or choose me. I got tired of waiting and left, and he married the very next girl he dated. He's since told me that she is no where near the partner I was, but that she just happened to be there when he was ready. I felt validated, but only for a second, because at the end of the day, the woman he was supposed to be with is the one he chose. It's a blow to the ego, and I hated wasting all my time because I felt I made him the man he was supposed to be for someone else. He even told me that had it not been for me, he wouldn't be able to be the husband he is with her. I didn't want to hear that bullsh*t at first, but I guess I can take it as a compliment. Still, a hard pill to swallow. I just have to hope that the man I'm supposed to be with will ALREADY be ready when I meet him and I won't have to build his ass up for someone else to benefit from. This time, I'LL be the beneficiary.

Brooke said...

Stef, ALOT of women have been in that position...myself included, and I know exactly how you feel. You just have to trust that everything is in its divine order.

Some people take the best of what they learn in relationships and apply them for future ones, so he took the best of you and made himself a better partner for it. If he was meant to be yours, he would be. You didn't lose anything.

Stef said...

I know, but still...I can never get those years back. I wish there was a magic timetable we can all use to know when enough is enough.

Brooke said...

Lady, who you tellin'! I'm guilty of sticking around way longer than I know I should. I'm with you girl!

Jay said...

One thing you said that is true, no matter how great you are, if we ain't ready, it won't matter.

I've found myself fallin for women KNOWING that I loved them, but that I wans't ready to be what they needed me to be. So I'd either find faults in them that were superficial just to find a reason to sabotage the relationship and end it becuz I couldn't take the feelings I had for them, or I'd string them along with a promise of being with them down the line, only for them to call me on my bullshit and bounce. I've lost some good ones too, but hey, I wasn't ready. In some cases, I'm still not. The club scene is old, but a great woman requires alot...and I'm not sure I have it in me to give right now. If a man truly loves you, he won't string you along or make you wait. He'll set you free to be happy with someone else. But most times our ego can't take that, so we hold on so no one else gets you. And that's wack. Sorry ladies, but that's what some of us do.

Brooke said...

Jay, wow...thanks for your honesty. Definitely gives you something to think about.

Serena W. said...

Jay you are soooooo on point! Yuo made me think of a couple of relationships and how the man doesn't want to set you free because he knows that you will find a good man or the man will find you and it won't be him because he wasn't ready.

Me and my friend go back to elementary school camping trips so I've seen the girls he dated, a couple that were ready but he wasn't. Did it hurt them...heck yeah!

So for him to say I'm done was a shock! I nearly dropped the phone lol.

Steph I feel your pain, I've been there as a lot of women have where we build the men up, leave and then they marry the next one who waltzed into their lives.

No we can't get those years back but we can learn from our past to build for the future.

In the future Brooke you can't be first lol!!! Thanks for posting my blog post too!

Brooke said...

okay, okay, FINE! I won't be first anymore!!! Well...not on my OWN blog anyway :)

I've actually had a man tell me that he wanted to keep me in his back pocket til he was ready and that he didn't want me to date anyone else - but to wait for him.

Yes...he actually said that to my face...while we were waiting in line at the movies...like it was nothing. I was like "huh?"

Yes, he really did.

Serena W. said...

What???? How selfish to say, "But I don't want you to date anyone else."

I also don't want to be in someones back pocket!

Yolanda said...

OMG...are you in my brain!
I was saving this for Random Thoughts (yes, I'm so anal, I pre-prep through the week for "random" thoughts cuz I have many a-random thought).

Anyway, I asked a dude to be exclusive (you love my grown woman balls, right?) and got RE-JECTED! But I'm not mad. I know you can never make a man do anything. I just keep being me...keep doing what I'm doing and keep on being an optimist. The right one will come along to "settle down" with me (I hate that term, BTW). I'm nothing to settle for... I'm the hotness, dammit.

I digress...

My best friend got engaged in August after years of dating. Her fiance just turned 40...so there is something to be said for giving a man time to decide that he's ready. The trick is... WE have to be willing to be along for that ride. Too many of us put those years in and the "put a ring on it" moment never happens.

Yolanda said...

@Stef... I've had three men, count them, T-H-R-E-E men "play around" with me and then go marry the next chick.

I feel your pain girl. But when I see their tacky (yeah, I'm hating) wedding pictures and hear about what their lives are like now... I'm happy it wasn't me!

I do all that wifey stuff already. I dote when they need that, give space when they need that too, encourage all the time and build them up. I'm primed for the pickin' LOL. It'll happen one day!

Brooke said...

@ Serena, which is EXACTLY why he's now...say it with me... BLACK HISTORY. That was our last date.

now the fool still calls talking about "what did I do?"

Beat it sucka!

@Yolanda, YES! YOU ARE THE HOTNESS! It WILL happen one day.

And bravo for asking for what you want! You may see it as rejection, but at least now you know where you stand and you can move on. I wish I had the guts to do that in the past, would have saved me a lot of time and energy. I'm getting there though!

Yolanda said...

Thanks Brooke! Big ups to all us hot ones on this blog!

I think we're getting Cable Guy excited :-)

Rameer said...

Great blog today, Serena! But, not for nothing - I expect almost anything you write to be dope. Maybe that's just my bias towards you being in the same class (SU) as me...lolz!

There's nothing really for me to add that's too deep; you guys hit the nail on the head. Jay dropped real talk, most def. I will say relay this experience, though...

My boy (we'll call him "Big Burs"; Serena probably knows who that is) found the love of his life while still in college. This was DEFINITELY against the rules to some, cuz not only was he a very popular member of a certain Blue fraternity, he was always liked and admired by A LOT of women. Though he could have had his pick of the litter, he never man-whored himself, and thus was thought of favorably.

Anyways, when we were sophomores, he started an on again-off again relationship with what would become his wife. Since they were just dating, some of our crew didn't get why he would go to see her (she went to school in Rochester) and why he would let her come up and spend the weekend with him. He was "cramping his style", killing his "player's status". But I was exactly the opposite. I accepted her wholeheartedly, and knew it was something special, since I've known him since 8th grade.

It got to the point that when he did have things to do socially that she didn't want to take part in or couldn't, I would volunteer to spend time with her - even if that meant sacrificing my time out as well. See, I knew what no one recognized from the jump - she was The One. And, since I viewed him as a brother, she was inevitably my sister-in-law-to-be. And she loved me for that acceptance.

Big Burs never had to defend himself to critics; I would do it for him. The "oh you on lockdown" comments and "you'd rather hang with a chick than your boys?" lines were always met with responses from me like "HELL YEAH he'd rather hang with a chick - ain't none of you hardbodies keepin' him warm at night!" or "if lockdown means spending quality time with a beautiful woman over some drunk dudes on Friday night who just gonna eventually look for ass anyway, then sign me up!"

Being that I'm the over-the-top, vocal crazy one of our crew (who, me?), the attention always diverted to me and not him. And they both appreciated that.

To this day, out of all of Big Burs' friends, his wife is closest to me. And my boys, through this experience, changed their attitude towards one of us finding a woman. We were way more understanding and accepting as a crew of such things, so once we graduated, we have never been the type to criticize anyone for turning in their "player's card".

My 75 cents...you lucky I ain't trademark that phrase, Brooke-Ra! Lmao...naw, if anyone jack my catch phrases, it's you! =)

Brooke said...

Thanks Rameer!

Here's a question for the guys - can a man know a woman is The One and STILL not be ready, or can the woman who is The One MAKE him be ready? Like can she throw him for a loop so fast that he has no choice but to be ready if he doesn't want to lose her, or is a man willing to lose The One if he's not there yet.

Or...better yet, can a man not recognize someone as The One simply BECAUSE he's not ready?

I know...I'm all over the place, hope that made sense.

The Cable Guy said...

Yes, all you fly women are DEFINITELY getting me excited!

I love the women on this blog!

Where is taser/shanker Annamaria?

Serena, when you and Brooke hookin up for that wine tasting? I wanna tag along :)

The Cable Guy said...

oh, missed B's question.

That's a hard one. When you meet a woman who is SO FLY that you can't stop thinking about her, then I think alot of times it'll make you think if you have what it takes to be with her. But you have to be honest with yourself. She just might be TOO fly for you, but no dude wants to admit that.

I don't mean out of your league, but really about making moves that you're not ready to take on with her or FOR her. I know that being 25, there's alot I can give, but also alot that I can't give AT THIS TIME. I'm willing to build a life with someone, but most women want a man who's established already, with a house and plenty of money in the bank. I'm not sure I can take care of a wife to her standards...or MINE actually, so even if we meet THE ONE, we might have to let her live til we get our shit together.

Rameer said...

In my opinion, from my experience - both personally and being around guys - a man can indeed recognize a woman as The One and still not be ready. To some degree, you can calls this arrogance - she's mine, and when I'm ready, we'll be together - but for now, I'm not ready. But I don't want her to move on and I don't want anyone else to have her either.

I know. Foolishness. But it's the truth.

Can The One make him be ready? My opinion? No. It's completely on him and his mindset and willingness to make that life connection. If she dos try to force him, with ultimatums, pregnancy (y'all KNOW a lot of women in the younger generations and even ours have tried to use this) or whatever, she's just setting herself up for pain and heartbreak. The way society is set up, it's on the man most times. Sorry.

Can a man not recognize someone as The One cuz he ain't ready? Well, I suppose the stupid ones. But most recognize full-well what she is at some point, and even tell their closest boys. Which is why almost every man has a "One That Got Away" story...of varying degrees. Hell, I can literally think of FIVE women off the top of my head that I could've been MARRIED to right now. Differing circumstances relate to each one, but I will say that I KNEW that they could be The One as we were together...and I never took the ultimate step to make them mine for life.

My 75 cents...

Serena W. said...

Brooke...I love black history! You should have told him..."KICK ROCKS WITH NO SOCKS ON!"

Lol.

Rameer I am smiling because I know EXACTLY who you are talking about! When I saw him at CBT and he was showing off pics of the kids his smile screamed happiness!!!!! He was a good kid in college lol.

Yolanda you're too beautiful, distinguished and a dignified diva of DST to even feel rejected (I had to throw in DST of course).

At some time we've all felt rejected, but it's a life lesson and yes I look back at the croonies I dated and they are married. One I'm even friends with (we made ammends and dated way back in the 90's). He truly matured but he even admitted when he first got married if he should have.

Nine years later he has no regrets and we buried the hatchet.

Now the last couple can kick rocks big time or even boulders, but I'm so thankful that they "turned" in their players hat with someone else and not me! (Well they said they turned it in), but who knows.

I'm over it thankfully to not block my blessings for the one who has turned it in and loves me :)

Rameer said...

And no disrespect to Captain Cable - but I can't relate to the "Too Fly" comment. I understand what you're saying, but I just can't relate.

If she's The One, you either jump or get off the lily pad...and learn to live with regrets.

(musical reference in that last sentence...)

Yolanda said...

LMAO @ "Big Burs"... Even I know who that is and I don't even "know" dude.

Yolanda said...

Hol' up... Cable Guy is 25?

Reowrrrr... Cougar Brooke!

I'm sure I knew this, but just reading your age made me meow for Brooke!

The Cable Guy said...

yeah, what he said :)

Rameer said...

Yolanda - what you doin' knowin' my brother from another mother?!? AND, if you know HIM, how the hell can you pretend to not have ever seen me?? Serena can tell you - me, him and his roommate were constantly together! People jokingly called us "The Three Buffs" cuz we were all from Buffalo, knew each other beforehand - and were always together or with in pairs!

Hell, we were together so often, some heads thought I was a Sig...er, in a fraternity!

The Cable Guy said...

Brooke wrote that damn Cougar blog about me! LOL!

The Cable Guy said...

And as for her being TOO FLY, I meant just having her shit together, not out of my league, which is what I meant.

Take B, she has her shit together, and you gotta step correct to be with her. And I'm willing to do that, but I don't think she takes me seriously cuz I'm 25! LOL!!

Yolanda said...

@Meercat... I don't know him... I know of his legend.

LMAO.

Seriously, I just know the name.

@That Cable Dude... I remember the Cougar blog...I guess seeing your age in print made me gasp. In a good way though.

Brooke said...

Cable Guy, let's be clear. You KNOW your age is NOT the reason I don't take you seriously. Don't start none, won't be none! :)

Yes Yolanda, you must've missed my Cougar blog...but I was told that I was too young to be a Cougar. I was told I'd have to be AT LEAST 40 and Cable Guy would have to be like 20...so I think I'm good... for now ;)

The Cable Guy said...

Damn B, I need to call you so we can figure this out!

@Yolanda, glad it was in a good way! I'll be 26 in a couple months though!

Rameer said...

Captain Cable - I DID understand *exactly* what you meant. I simply can't relate.

If her stuff is together and mine isn't, I won't let that hold me back. If she's willing to give the kid a shot, then I'm willing to move with her and build myself up to where I want to be - with her BY MY SIDE.

Big Burs would slap anyone in the crew if they ever said a woman was "too" anything as a hindrance to being together. Well, "too" in the positive sense.

Stef said...

Reading all of your comments makes me feel ALOT better, and you're right, the one I'm meant to be with is out there. I've learned some good lessons since then. Glad it's not just me!

Cable dude is 25?? Girl, no wonder you ain't payin him no mind! LOL!

The Cable Guy said...

Well, guess it's just me then, cuz we all know Big Ram is the ish! Can't NO woman be "too anything" for you bruh!

LOL!

Anyway, to Stef...what you tryna say??? :)

Yolanda said...

Correction. Cable Dude is 25 and 3/4.

Rameer said...

Yes, Captain Cable. Big Ram IS the ish. And perhaps it's just my entire crew's confidence in who we are that make us all know and believe that no woman is "too anything" for us.

Or maybe it's the fact that even the women in my family think that men who say that women are "too anything" are kind of weak...

Stef said...

LOL!! Oh, sorry, he's 25 and 3/4, that makes a BIG difference!

NOT!!

I didn't mean anything by it, just that I know Brooke is a fly WOMAN, not a lil girl. You need to come correct man!

The Cable Guy said...

Whatever dude, you got it bruh!

Stef, what do YOU suggest I do since I can't make myself be older? :)

Stef said...

You can leave her alone! LOL!!

And btw, I knew what you meant by TOO FLY...cuz I think at this stage, B is TOO FLY for you, but if you were both 25, you'd be on maybe a level playing field, but your age may dictate that you just can't match her yet, but one day will be. I get it. Doesn't make you weak, just makes you honest.

The Cable Guy said...

Thanks! 'preciate that.

As for giving up on B, no chance ;)

Us young'ns can be persistent ;)

Seriously tho, good talk today.

Yolanda said...

Cable Guy, you can't do anything more than you're already doing. Just be you and be confident in what you bring to the table. It'll happen. Brooke will come to her senses one day and ya'll will have a field full of FiOS-WiFi babies.

Brooke said...

LMAO!!!!!

Okay, that was funny :)

Brooke said...

Hell, at my age, I'll need a young buck to chase after any babies that I might have...geesh!

The Cable Guy said...

No problems with that!

AT ALL!

Thanks Yolanda!

annamaria said...

BUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Bitches!!!!!!!!!

Lol sorry I was a lil busy this morning!!!
Listen at some point we all gotta grow up & want to grow with someone. When a person is ready & they find that RIGHT person it will happen. These things can't be forced.

Serena W. said...

Did you say Fios babies Yo-Yo! LOL!

Rameer...Adolphus and I call the three of you Rough Buff's!

Steph you aren't the only one and I'm glad this blog inspired great convo, I so needed it today.

Cable Dude let me tell you...I was checking out a honey in Dallas before I left...he turned 26 this year (meow)!!!! It was all good, it's about maturity, he carried himself as if he had been around the block and then some. His story was so powerful, but he wasn't and isn't ready. Which is fine since I left anyway.

As the great and late Aaliyah stated in her first album, "Age Ain't Nuthin but a Number." But you better bring your A game!!!!

Rameer said...

Yeah, Serena - we've heard that one too! Jon Wharton used to always call us that. =)

And I agree - age ain't nothing but a number. And that *ain't* the reason Brooke-Ra would not go forward with a relationship. That's all I'll say on that.

The Cable Guy said...

Thanks for clearing that up Rameer.

Brooke, I'll still call you so we can figure this out ;)

And there are plenty of dudes well into their 30's and 40's who still haven't figured shit out, so long as we all acknowledge that too!

Serena W. said...

Ah yes Cable Guy...they aren't ready to turn in their players hats but want to mask it. They are loyal in the face of their mate (and this goes for women) and then playing the game behind their back. Foolishness!

Be a man or woman and just say, "I'm not ready!" As stated earlier some take it as a blow to the ego when they fess up and let go of a great person. But just take the blow and let go of that person who IS ready to be with someone that is and keep playing your games until you're not.

Pet peave #401...don't string me along for the ride!

Brooke said...

A lot of times, I think men feel that if they tell us that, we'll leave. That may be true. But a lot of times, women just want to know where they stand. Let us make the decision to hang in there or not. You may find that we're not quite ready either, or that we're willing to wait so long as we know your intentions are sincere.

Some men are not ready for a number of reasons. If it's financial, or he wants to make partner first, then we might stick around if we know you want to be with us, but just can't commit because you're not where you want to be on a personal level or career-wise. But if you're not ready because you want to fool around with a bunch of people, tell us that too. Sure, we may not be around, but I think some would be surprised at far honesty can get you.

Serena W. said...

Honesty is the best policy :) a lot people make the mistake of sugar coating something and then on the back end it blows up in their face and they lose the one they love.

Rameer said...

You guys are assuming that these men who lie are honest people to begin with. People are who they are...if they lie to you, they're LIARS...

And in that case...you should invoke your right to create Black History.

Saying what liars should do is pointless. They're LIARS.

It's like in Pirates Of The Caribbean, when Captain Jack and Will Turner are fighting in the shed. At one point, Captain Jack cheats and gains the upper hand. Will looks at him surprised and says "You CHEATED!!"

Captain Jack's response?

"Uh... (I'm a) pirate?"

Jaz said...

I'm all late, but thought I'd chime in anyway.

I guess I agree with everyone, and Rameer's point about it being all on the man. That part sucks. Couple that with the fact that most men in NYC don't or won't EVER seem to be ready, and you have quite a dilemma. Someone said that a friend of theirs stuck with a guy for years and he finally proposed when he turned 40. The thing is, most of us who want to have children can't afford to wait that long. Some of my guy friends say that women are always rushing them, but we have reason to. Men have the luxury of finding themselves, playing the field, building a career, date all around and then settle down and have kids when they get ready. They don't have to worry about staring a career, then putting it on hold to have kids, nurture them, then go back to work while still being wife and mother at home - or waiting til they're 40 to have kids at all. But it seems the only thing to do is either roll with it, or try to find you an older man now who's already at that point. I have a few friends who are in their late 20's, early 30's who date men who are in their 40's, simply because men their age still haven't figured out what they want. Or they date the 25 year old cable dude who is ready to settle with them but just may not be where they should be career-wise. There may be a benefit to dating alot older or alot younger - so Brooke...maybe you should give Cable Guy a chance!

just my thoughts....

Brooke said...

Well Rameer, I don't think it's that simple. I think some men don't tell you anything, so it's a lie by omission, or they lie to spare feelings. Yes, some men are LIARS, but some tell little lies for other reasons.

And yes, I know what you're gonna say, a liar is a liar...and you NEVER lie. We get that.

But I tell the girl who sits next to me that her shirt looks okay, when what I really want to say is it's hideous. I know, again, you'll say a lie is a lie...but I don't think that makes me a LIAR per se. We'll agree to disagree on that one.

Yes, if the man has intentions on deceiving you from the beginning, that's a moot point. But if there's a guy out there who loves you, but isn't ready to let you go even though he's not ready yet, I think there's a grey area there. The love won't let you let go, but you can't go all the way...I think there's a bit of a fine line there.

@Jaz, you're preaching to the choir on that one girl!

Rameer said...

Jaz - it is f'd up that it comes down to what men want many times. But truth be told - it's been this way for centuries. If women could collectively change their mindsets and decide to dictate to US what will occur instead of vice-versa, then things would be different. However, this will more than likely NEVER occur, and thus, individual women can dictate things in individual cases. There are more the exception than the rule.

Brooke-Ra - yes, we disagree. I think that when you allow for "little lies", you allow an expansion of that. In my family, we don't tolerate ANY lies. Seriously - even if my mother were to lie to her children, our reaction is one of EXTREME anger and disappointment. And it would have a tangible effect, not just being upset that day - it would be long-lasting.

Thus, while my life and dealings are nowhere near perfect in the least bit, I do avoid a lot of crap and garbage that the average person deals with. You lie to me after getting to know me and how I am...we're either done or you'll be kept at a distance so that you will never have the chance to lie to me again and have an effect on me in any capacity.

It's a family philosophy. The worst reaction to anything I did as a kid was the reactions to when I lied. By college, lying had disappeared from who I am. I can't say I will never lie again...but the are extremely rare cases, and usually involve saving someone other than myself in an intense scenario.

Relating it back to the scenario...by being accepting of so-called" little lies", you are leaving it on your mate to determine such. I KNOW men who think that not telling their mates that they don't want to settle down is a "little lie". They reason that as long as they're happy what's the biggie? What she don't know won't hurt her, and he treats her pretty good.

And once one starts to lie, and you want to get away with the lie, people tend to rationalize and justify the lie. They convince themselves it's okay, and actually that they're justified in the lie. They can convince themselves that a major lie is really a little one. And that they're actually the hero by lying.

It's a tricky slope that amounts to the same thing it always does - disaster and heartbreak.

I usually give a person one major lie to tell me ever in their lives, and once you've done it, you can never lie to me again on something of any significance and you must prove to me why I should continue trusting you. Go against it...

Black history. No ill will, but you won't be in MY circumference.

Brooke said...

Well, again, no one is talking about justifying any lies, or allowing someome to lie to them. A person is gonna do what they're gonna do and they run the risk of being caught. Once we find out we've been lied to or strung along, it's up to us to figure out where we go from there.

And how did I know you were gonna say neither you or anyone in your family lies? :-)

Anyway, great blog Serena! Great discussion today!

Now I just need to go find me a 40+ man who's finally figured out that he's ready :-) LOL!!

Jaz said...

Yeah, I find that I'm now dating alot of men who have been married and divorced, who are in their 40's and have grown kids, and they're ready to give it a second try. It's just the kid part that's tricky, because I'm 33 and want to have my own children, not just be stepmom to some grown ass kids who are almost MY age!

Usuaully if you DO find a man willing to settle down, he doesn't want a family, or ANY MORE kids. Dating sucks, but I guess the alternative is be alone. If that's not what you want, you have to put up with alot of crap!

Rameer said...

Brooke-Ra - you knew I would probably say it came from my family cuz I'm very consistent. Everything I am and HOW I am either comes from family or people I love.

And I'm not saying EVERYONE in my family doesn't lie. But my family does have an overall attitude of not accepting lies. And the majority of the ones I grew up around and have been exposed to either don't lie or rarely do it. We honestly don't even think about lying.

It took me a lot of adjusting in high school to the fact that most people lie A LOT. My mother constantly told me "everyone is NOT LIKE YOU...and you need to realize that and not hold everyone to your and your family's standard."

But, funny thing is - even in the real world, the people I've been closest with and coolest with don't tend to lie. And I most often don't have to lay out how I feel about lying. Example - Serena has never told me a lie that I know of. And we've NEVER have a discussion about lying. She just is a generally honest person.

This IS a great blog today. But ladies, watch out for the 40+ men, too. I could bring in a close friend as exhibit A on the subject...they can be WORSE. Don't fool yourself into thinking age necessarily makes the difference.

It depends on the individual MAN - regardless of age. Big Burs got married after college. My boy Doc got married shortly after he hit 30. My cousin got married just this year, and he's mid-30's. And another cousin got married at 20.

There's no rhyme or reason to it.

Brooke said...

@Jaz, I guess if you don't want to be alone, there is alot involved. Hopefully all the time and energy you put into relationships will be worth it.

I think I've come to accept my "singledom" and I feel it'll remain that way. Color me cynical, but hey, that's how I feel :)

My friends hate when I say that, but it just seems to be my reality. It could change one day, but I doubt it. I'll be writing another Cougar blog soon :) Just give me a few years :)

Rameer said...

You don't prey on the young'uns enough to be a cougar, Brooke-Ra! Cougars are AGGRESSIVE...you're more like an ocelot. Lolz!

Did you notice you're tied for first place in our fantasy league, oh wonderous doubter?? Behind me in points, of course. ;-)

Brooke said...

no! I haven't looked yet, that's strange...I just knew I'd lose this week! Eagles lost to the damn Raiders...how did THAT happen??

Anyway, I'm not a Cougar YET, that's why I said give me a few years. I'll up my "aggressive" soon enough! LOL!!

Rameer said...

you forget - I'm a RAIDERS FAN. I cheer or the Eagles cuz of Donovan - but I've always been a Raiders fan!

But I like you. So I won't rub it in... ;-)

Judah said...

Brooke knew you would you probably say that you got it from your family because you are a HOMO Rameer! A straight up bitchass pussy! Sorry to bust your bubble but you are not the end all be all of what is considered right. "I never do this..I never do that...blah blah blah" YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT!

People walked around calling you "the 3 buffs"...meaning "the 3 BUFFOONS" because that's exactly what the hell you sound like... A DAMN BUFFOON! lol Yolanda didn't even know who the hell you were! LMAO and even now you are STILL desperate for her to remember your sorry ass. Get a clue! She's not pretending... you are just that insignificant. LMAO

Rameer said...

And you're significant because you hate on someone through a computer screen on someone else's blog??

Lmbao!

Again, I promised Brooke-Ra no chicanery with your bitchass. The E-thuggery and E-hate is truly tiring (though whimsical)...and it's time for me to log off the computer.

Keep reading my posts and interactions on here daily and beating your meat to them. Cuz I take no joy in saying and doing certain things if it doesn't upset SIMPS like you...

And with that...I'm gone for the day. Scene...

Judah said...

It's so tiring that you commented, with your bitchass!

Go drink your wine and sit in front of the tv, cuz you're just that cool.

And suck my ball while you at it!

Have fun NOT commenting to this response, DICKFACE.

The Cable Guy said...

AHHHHHH!!!!

Yo, who is this Judah??? LOL!!

Serena W. said...

Well I'd like to end my guest blog on a POSITIVE note by thanking Brooke for letting me guest blog yet again.

Peace and love to everyone, let's try to stay positive towards each other. These are trying times and I love Brooke's blog because I feel detached from the daily drama by interacting in great convo, debates and enlightening interaction.

Good night peeps and peace be with you.

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