I have a guest blogger today! He's guested before, so he's no stranger to Brookey's Cafe Blog. He's none other than E. Payne! who many of you already follow on his blog Makes Me Wanna Holler. This piece was actually written for BlackandMarriedwithKids.com - and I thought it was an interesting take on relationships and Facebook. Most of us are on some sort of social networking site, so chime in with your thoughts on this - whether your black, white, married, single, in a relationship or not :-) Let's go!
My Wife Is NOT My Friend (On Facebook)
by Eric Payne
On Facebook, my wife is NOT my friend. I un-friended her about two months ago. Not only did I not tell her what I did, but once she discovered we were no longer connected, I ignored her request to become my friend once more. Like her, I'm sure many of you are SMH, or rather shaking your heads, thinking, "How trifling is he?" My wife’s chief complaint was that she was my wife, how dare I not be her friend? Her being my wife is the very reason why I cut our virtual ties.
As the Internet landscape continues to be overrun with social networking platforms, Facebook, in this writer’s opinion, is unique in that it allows unrestricted access to your life. This can all be managed by adjusting your security settings and not going overboard with the comments, photos or anything else you choose to post, but for those people who are your friends, there are no areas of your virtual profile that are off limits.
I primarily use Facebook to promote my writing. But when I first signed up for the site, I used it to communicate with people I currently interact with in my life as an alternative to making phone calls. Then somehow people from college found me, then high school, then grade school. Then I got caught up with SuperPoke, YoutTube videos and everything else that makes it one of the largest distractions in existence. My wife joined the network about six months after I did and at first it was cute. We’d trade sweet nothings, verbal love taps and harmless snaps (something we’re known for) in our statuses. All of this occurred under the same roof and sometimes at the same time — she on the desktop computer in our dining room and me on my laptop.
It quickly stopped being cute for me once people, a.k.a. “friends,” started adding their two cents via the comments. It let me know that my Internet pillow-talk with the wife wasn’t pillow talk at all. It was broadcast news coming straight out of our home. Making matters worse, my wife hacked into my account more than once to change my statuses to proclamations such as, “I’m going to be nicer to my wife,” or “I definitely need to start recognizing what a great woman I have.” Practical jokes, of course, which might have been funny had they only been between she and I and not people I once sat across from in second grade.
If these incidents weren’t enough, we actually had some very strong disagreements over the tone of each other’s statuses on days when we weren’t getting along. Things really got ugly when I questioned the motivation behind certain comments from men I didn’t know on her photos or on her. As a man and a husband I believed I was within my rights to be protective of my wife. As a man, my wife thought I was being overprotective and making mountains out of molehills over friends from grade school and high school.
If you’re not yet tired from reading this, this writer was definitely tired from living it. Finally, it came to me late one night that there is too much out there pulling at the hearts and minds of married couples, mine included, to allow to the unexpected nuances of Facebook interactions to be added to the pile. Right then and there, I knew what I had to do. I went to my wife’s profile and clicked, “Remove From Friends” without hesitation. My wife initially thought I was punishing her when in fact I was protecting us, in this instance, from me. Now my wife and I exist as friends in the world that truly matters: The real one.
Do you “Facebook” with the one you love? If so, has social networking affected your relationship positively or negatively?
-E
Eric Payne lives with his wife and two children and tackles married life and fatherhood as it happens to him at MakesMeWannaHoller.com. His writing can also be found at NYMetropolista.com and MochaManual.com. His short fiction has appeared in Spindle Magazine and DiddleDog Magazine.
Wow..this is an excellent topic!!! And an excellent read. Yes I do facebook with the one I love. But we both understand and use it for what it is. Being Entrepreneurs..we can never meet enough people. It seems as if we take the Comedian with a significant other approach. We understand that everything we say in our routine is just jokes... when it comes down to it, it's all about the money and making people laugh.
Now i can admit, i have gotten a little annoyed at a few pictures i see on her page... but I check myself. I know she has a past and so do I. So as long as we both understand that..it's all good. BUT IT DOESN'T WORK FOR EVERYONE. MySpace almost got my previous lady friend choked out. "Exactly why am I not one of your top friends?" You know the conversation!
I am not married, nor do I have anyone that I currently feel romantic about. Still an interesting read though :-) If facebook makes you over analyze meanless comments and interactions then I guess de-friending your significant other is a good thing.
I'm sooo upset right now I'm not even going to tase pretty ricky for being first. E.payne I do read ur blog from time to time & always find it so heartfelt & respect it because the love u have for ur family comes thru loud & clear. BUT I do think its FUCKED UP that you unfriended your wife. You need to love & claim her not only in the real world but in the virtual world also. I'm not on facebook anymore because my significant other also didn't like comments being left to me by other people so naturally I was upset when he then decided to join. YES I've had issues with his status & comments made on his page once or twice. BUT he has NEVER denied me or the existence of me & our family. And unfortunately I feel that's what you are doing. She's your wife & for BETTER OR WORSE you guys have to either solve the issue together or delete BOTH facebook accounts. I would DEFINITELY have a problem if/when I decided to join facebook if Austin didn't have me as one of his friends. He's one of my best friends in real life so I should definitely be his friend in the virtual world. I understand how ur trying to keep certain aspects of your personal life between the 2 of u as it should be. Then DON'T post those comments on Facebook. Text them to each other. Come up with rules about what u both are comfortable sharing. I even had & still have certain issues with pics of my daughter on facebook. Austin putting them on facebook is a proud parent showing off his new baby. BUT as an overprotective person who doesn't trust anyone I don't believe everyone who sees her picture or comments means well. The same way I'm leary when other people post pics of her. All in all this woman is YOUR WIFE & you are her HUSBAND. And u both should come to an agreement that you both can live with. And put her ass back on ur friends list ASAP before I lend her my taser!!! :)
I haven't had a real BOYFRIEND since Myspace or Facebook, but I can definitely see how trouble can start. I've had friends who actually broke up with their significant others off of some Myspace or Facebook stuff. Some would even say Myspace was the devil!
But I think if you have insecurities already, then you'll see something harmless as a threat. You'll overanalyze and read too much into everything. Most people who are doing something shady are very good about hiding all that stuff, or at least TRY to be anyway - so FB or Myspace is the LAST place you'd catch them doing something. It's what you DON'T see that can be a problem.
I do agree that these sites can be very invasive, especially if you don't adjust your settings so that EVERYTHING isn't readily available to ANYONE and EVERYONE. I've had friends spy on their friends' man or woman on Facebook - it's insane! If you're looking for something, you'll find it - simply because you already have it in your mind to find.
If you can't check yourself, then either don't join sites like this, or manage it according to your own insecurities. Be honest with yourself. If "de-friending" someone keeps you sane, then do it, because your mind will always play tricks on you and nothing is worth ruining an otherwise happy relationship over...or losing your peace of mind.
I think he did the right thing. I think people put too much into Facebook. Him taking her from his friend's list doesn't mean she's not his friend...or still his wife. Who gives a damn about FB?!
If you ask me, it took more of a man to admit his insecurities about it and actually DO something about it, rather than try to be tough guy and let it fester in him. Why be mad when you can control your feelings by de-friending her? If she's mad that he de-friended her because she thinks that's an indication that he doesn't love her or she's "not really his friend" then that's silly. She should appreciate that he'd rather interact with her in real life rather than trouble her with his own issues. Sometimes yoiu women get in your own head and overreact when it's not necessary. If you she and women like her took the time to actually THINK about what he did and the reasons why, she'll find that he did what he did BECAUSE he actually loves and cares more about HER and THEIR MARRIAGE than a stupid site!
I agree with cable guy, I don't think what he did was wrong at all. Too many times we go looking for stuff and find it just because we WANT to find something. I've seen men and women act a fool over Facebook and it's dumb. If your relationship ends because your man took you off his friends list, then you have bigger problems.
I understand that he loves her & the facebook thing is silly BUT in his blog he states that this action BOTHERED HER... WHY bother the woman you love over something silly??? As a woman my first inclination when something BOTHERS my man is to fix what bothers him...I don't think in this case he's fixing the problem as much as he is trying to AVOID the problem.. Big difference. I can totally see where BOTH of them are coming from & commend him for admitting his insecurities & it sounds like they both have some. Like I said its obvious that they both have love for each other I just feel he took the easy way out.
Well, E said he woulnd't be around to comment today, but there are some women who took issue with what he did and he addressed them on the other site. He uses FB mainly to promote his writing, so he's on it for that reason. But the problem with sites like these it that it broadcasts EVERYTHING that is done: "Brooke is now friends with John" "Brooke wrote on John's wall" etc. If you have issues with this, and he doesn't want to see what she's doing all the time, then I think he did the right thing. I don't think he's hiding from it at all - he addressed his issue full on.
Just because someone has a problem with what you did, doesn't mean what you did was wrong. I feel he did a good job of explaining WHY he did it. If she doesn't like the REASON, then that's a separate discussion. Alot of times we let our ego get in the way. I've had friends say to me "you never comment on my status" or "how come I'm not your top friend on Myspace" and it would truly baffle me. These would be the same people that I talked to 10 times a day on the phone or on IM all day. Why are you defining our friendship by FB or Myspace. That's your OWN issue and I'm not gonna make you my top friend or comment on your status just to appease you. That's an issue that YOU need to work through.
I'm sure E's wife is over it now and will appreciate what he did in due time, if she hasn't already. I think it's nice that a man can put his issues out there and do somethinig about them rather than allow them to interfere with what truly matters to him, and that's his relationship.
Annamaria, I have to disagree. He said he didn't want to see what she was doing or what people were saying on her page, so he de-friended her so he didn't have to see it. The reason she has a problem with it is because now she can't see what HE'S doing. He's dealing with his insecurities, SHE isn't. He can admit his issues, SHE can't. Saying it bothers her that she's not his friend isn't enough. What is the REASON? She's his wife for Christ's sake. He explained his position. What's her's? If he adds her back as a friend so that it doens't "bother" her anymore, then he's not fixing the problem, he's enabling her insecurities. She needs to investigate why being his friend in a virtual world is more important to her than being his wife in real life.
The virtual world can certainly breed insecurities, but as Brookey said - "you were already insecure" before facebook or myspace.
I agree with Cable guy also. This guy stepped in the face of his own misgivings and took action. Let's face it, its a never-ending cycle of "who's this?" and "why are they saying that?"
Its a sticky situation, but trust is the inherent issue -- on Facebook or not.
In this "password-protected" age, the fact that this young lady hacked his account was a trust offense. That's "defriendable" right there on principle.
I'm not going to pile on Annamaria, cuz it seems like enough people disagree with her stance. I tend to disagree as well, but this isn't directed towards her.
I can say this - I'm not married, but I'm shocked at how much people think they are deducing or how much they make out of Facebook. People can let their minds run wild make their thoughts turn into what they perceive as reality. On Facebook, I've been called homophobic, sexist, against all Latinos, against Black people, against white people, racist, self-hating, woman-hating, uneducated, bourgeois, against abortion, FOR abortion, atheist, Jesus freak, Muslim, Buddhist, conservative, liberal...u name it, I've been called it.
This is ALWAYS do 2 someone's misinterpretation of what I may have written or what someone else may have written. The people who know me know that none of those labels fits (well, I'm PERSONALLY against aborting any child I would take part in creating). But those who don't know me that well can and will jump to INCREDIBLE conclusions...and, as has been stated, many people's on issues and hang-ups become apparent when they're trying to "diagnose" what you've written.
I can't imagine how strained things can become between a married couple! My boy deleted his FB account cuz women from his past would make flirtatious, over the line remarks at times - and his wife felt it was disrespectful He agreed, and took the only source of contention they had out of his life. Another married friend rarely goes on FB, other than 2 occasionally check on certain people and read the articles/view the videos they may post. He kind of "lurks" on FB (kind of like many of you do on here).
Facebook can be a GREAT thing - connecting with old friends, stumbling across new people of like minds, and exchanging all types of things - educational, funny, mind-provoking, etc. But it can also cause havoc in some people's lives, and ESPECIALLY in relationships. Why let that happen with someone you lie next to nightly??
The important thing is REALITY, not virtual reality. If FB made his relationship with his wife better, than props to E.
Sidebar - my mother had a FB account created for her by a cousin (whose ass is sure to be beat when me and my sister are in her town). I REFUSE to add my mother, cuz the convos and interactions I have on FB would result in questions and convos with my mother that I don't want to have. Thus, why expose her to the playful banter of me and a friend only for my mother to look and say "who is so-and-so and why are y'all talking about such-and-such?" "Uh, mom...that's a good friend from college, and we're KIDDING. Why are you FALKING (Facebook stalking) my page??"
First I have to say yal still saying "first bitches"?!?!?
Now I can agree with E. on this. Its like having your own space. My husband would probably not get my humor between my friends nor do I want him all up in my past biznes from HS and college.
I agree Rameer. I've had people tell me who I was dating, might be sleeping with, who's that, did you date him, all these questions simply based off a random comment someone made on my wall. I'm like "really?" I have guy "friends" on FB leave me flirtatious comments, and I've never laid eyes on them. Half of my "friends" on FB are people I don't even know. So it's funny when I hear that I'm "seeing" someone I've never even met, simply because he wrote "hi sweetie" on my page.
I can only IMAGINE what it's like for people in real relationships, let alone simple speculation among friends.
Rameer u get called all those things on this blog too!!! Lol I guess I am OVERLY protective then...HIIIIII NICOLE!!!!!! The baby is amazing! She's beautiful & getting bigger & doesn't act like a 2 1/2 month old!!!!
I've commented once or twice before on this blog but mostly I'm a "Lurker."
I guess I and my wife are a part of the elite group of people who get along well both in reality and virtual reality.
When (if) I get inappropriate remarks from women on FB I check them immediately. Sometime this is done through private message and sometimes it's done as a comment to them for everyone to see. This is exactly how I would handle such disrespect in person if my wife and I were out and about. My wife does the same thing.
I see FB as a way to keep in touch with old friends and make new contacts, very similar to a neighborhood bar and I treat it the same way.
I think I am actually torn on this one. I defintely agree with annamaria... if something bothers your body you find a way to fix and resolve it. Not saying that you cater to them... but you guys are partners. So for him to just take her off... not even caring how she feels about it was kinda wrong.
However... I do agree that he knows his weakness and he acted upon it. I have a little insecure streak as well. I know if you tell me about all your past boyfriends, I'm gonna have issues if they are around in any capacity at all. So don't tell me about them. I know you have a past that,s good enough. We'll just work on our future!
I would like every one's opinion on the following. My wife and I both have Facebook accounts. Her friends include a couple of past boyfriends. I don't care really OR even have an opinion about her having the ex's as friends, everyone has a past. Conversely, I have an ex that I dated for about 10 years. Recently my ex sent a friend invitation to me and I accepted. My wife went into a tizzy when I accepted my ex's friend request which eventually resulted in her deleting me from her friends list. Isn't that a double standard? I must accept her having her ex's as friends but I must not communicate with my ex. I have since deleted my ex from my friends list just to keep the peace...I mean she is my wife and I want to respect her feelings! But now, why do I feel so violated and powerless? In fairness she has offered to delete her two ex's from her Facbook account but again her having ex's as Facebook friends doesn't bother me in the least bit.
Am I being a punk? How should I address this matter?
I'm not married, but I think that having your SO as a friend somewhat limits what you can say and what can be said to you--simply out of respect for your partner, who may be reading. Harmless flirtation can EASILY be misinterpreted online. I have a friend who's wife broke off their engagement because of a comment that a high school girlfriend left on facebook. I knew before he did though--because his status suddenly changed to, "(His name) is a triflin a$$ negro that likes to hook up with ex-girlfriends-the wedding is off". His profile was gone from facebook the next day, and soon after, she made him change his number as well. While this is a special case (his wife is/was an insecure woman that won't allow him to have female friends, gets mad when he spends time with his friends and doesn't invite her--that kind of thing), it isn't isolated. I'm all for anything that preserves a relationship and promotes sanity. In my opinion, defriending your SO, even though it seems like a negative action--is one of those things.
Anonymous... I think you did the right thing. If you having your ex-girlfriend bothers your wife that much..then by all means take her off. When it comes down to it... what's more importnat... your marriage or your ex-girlfriend. But you just found one of your wife's insecurities! That's all.
A marriage counselor once said... the whole "but you have your ex-boyfriends on your page and I don't say anything" bit does not apply in a relationship. Just because you don't get mad about it doesn't mean she shouldn't and vice versa!
1. Putting comments on people's wall to smear them or cause controversy is just plain old "high school." And, to that point, I got a few friends who have suffered that fate on alumni group sites, FB and myspace.
Considering the fact that I have coworkers sprinkled throughout my friends on FB, I take discretion very seriously and operate with a zero-foolishness-tolerance policy.
If you clown, you've violated me, and your not a friend. neither in that world or the real one.
The bottom line is, that's just wack. But - if the fiance' in question wasn't a "friend" on FB, she wouldn't have been afforded the opportunity to do something silly. So, going all the way back to Annamaria's stance (and I respect it completely)
-but Maybe E realizes that before somebody does something stupid, let's just draw the line...I think that was the point. He obviously has some idea of what he or his woman "might" be capable of when having a fit about FB. Hey, if she gets mad enough, she might hack into his account and post foolish things. Oops. Too late.
To answer anonymous' question - I don't think you were a punk per se, but it does raise the question of if there's a double standard in your relationship.
Why does she believe that SHE is perfectly capable of maintaining platonic relations with HER exes, but you're not capable of doing the same thing? What does accepting a friend request from your ex signify to HER? That's the part I question. Does she trust YOU?
Of course some battles aren't worth fighting, so if deleting your ex keeps the peace in the house, then fine. But that could possibly build resentment, because look how you feel now? Violated and powerless. Over time, that'll build up and spill over into the what the REAL issue is: TRUST.
Either she trusts you or she doesn't. And again, the ones who say hi to you all out in the open on your wall on FB are usually the LAST ones you need to worry about. If a person has it in their mind to do wrong, they're going to- FB account or not. All FB does is create another POSSIBLE venue to act it out.
I've had guy friends who told me they couldn't be friends with me because their new girlfriend doesn't like her man having female friends. Despite having been friends for YEARS before he even met this girl, I've had many a male friend cut me off, only to find out they broke up or divorced later due to trust issues. If you don't trust your man or your woman, say THAT...don't make them delete exes on FB without saying what the reason is. Most people think admitting insecurities is weak, but I say it's honest. I think E was honest with his feelings, and that to me is what I think alot of people fail to do - tell the truth.
sorry anonymous. I won't call you a punk, but I definitely think that was some bullshit. Basically she told you she doesn't trust you without really saying it. What is she mad at? Did this ex kill y'all's cat or something? Why does she have an issue with HER? Is it because y'all dated for 10 years? She thinks y'all will hook up in "cyber space"? that's wack!
this is the main reason I don't tell anyone I'm dating about any exes of mine. Don't ask, don't tell. I don't wanna know who YOU dated and you don't need to know who I dated - unless it was a friend or sister of yours or something. Other than that, keep that ish to yourself. This way, what I don't know won't hurt me, and what's supposed to be in the past is simply that - the past!
You guys are WAAAAYYYYY more open minded than I am. I would definitely have a problem with Austin's exes being friends. NOW I don't have a problem with him having female friends as long as they respect but I would definitely have a problem with exes. BUT I wouldn't expect him to put up with it either unlike anonymous girl. Not because of trust issues but what happened in the past should stay in the past & we don't need constant reminders of it either. Learn from it & move on.
Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em, thanks for the education! Annamaria, why get upset over the past? She is my wife..that is my ex-girl! Marriage is about trust and respect. She should know that I wouldn't do anything to violate or lose that!
I would also like to add that my ex is engaged to be married to another guy!
Why can't we all be like Demi, Bruce and Ashton? That shit only looks weird because we don't understand it! LOL
I have NOOOO desire to be like Bruce, Demi or Ashton. I like being Annamaria. That shit is just not the norm where I come from so therefore not interested. If that's a flaw then that's a flaw that my man can either accept or reject but its not going to change.
I hear everything that you said, but this isn't some random chick that I am dating, that is my wife! I believe in the whole don't ask don't tell policy but this is a woman I respect and love and didn't and still don't think I should keep secrets from! We only human...we all gonna be curious about our spouse's past and eventually the shit gonna come up! It is as certain as death and taxes! I won't even label that as a woman thing! It's just human nature to be curious about your spouse and what helps shape them to be who and what they are! Real Talk!
Not every relationship in your past is a bad one that needs to eliminated. I have exes on my FB page as well some who read my blog - and some of their wives read my blog. We were friends before we dated, so we can be friends after so long as we don't cross any lines.
I have no desire to disrespect any of my exes who are friends, and they're not doing anything to disrespect t themselves either.
I like the whole Demi, Ashton and Bruce thing. If they have to interact anyway, might as well be mature about it.
What's up people? Finally got some time to comment. On the original site where this was posted they are past 4,000 hits and I think 60 comments so clearly it's a Pandora's box that no one has openly addressed. I didn't expect the outbursts it caused at all. For whatever reason I got attacked on the original site by a few people, by men for stating that if I couldn't maintain a Facebook account with my wife then I was doomed to fail in real life (?!!!) and what I thought was VERY interesting is that the perfect (and very judgmental) men and women who were comfortable in being FB friends with their spouses (mostly women) felt the need proudly proclaim that neither they nor their spouses had anything to hide. Funny thing is that I never mentioned anything about having to hide anything or needing to have my own space in this piece. In fact the exact opposite is true of Facebook, the place is completely transparent. Nor to I suggest I was wrong for being on Facebook with their partner.
Here's the deal, plain and simple: for me it was becoming a distraction. If I put up a real generic status because I was pissed about something that happened at home my wife would call me up at work and curse me out because she was able to read between the lines. If some dude she went to grade school with made some sideways comment about one of her pictures or one of my kids' pictures (regarding her being sexy whatever) I don't care if they guy is in Alaska or not it annoyed me. Why? Because I'm a guy and guys know guys. And it's one thing to accept that these harmless infractions happen to the woman you love when she's not in your presence. It's another to see it up on the Internet and some joker with a stupid profile picture stating it. And so on and so on. Now here's what in my humble opinion would be ridiculous: demanding my wife get off Facebook because I can't handle her FB friendships. Never in a million years would I consider something so stupid. And it really isn't that serious.
Here's the deal folks: I knew my wife long before Facebook existed and our relationship can never be defined by it, but during a very rough patch in our journey it was getting in the way and since we were arguing about everything under the sun I decided I didn't need or want to add Facebook to the pile. And it was my decision as a grown man to do better because I knew better. The wife was initially caught off guard, but now she thinks it's funny and has gotten a kick out of discussing this piece with me and her girlfriends. From what she tells me this post has gone viral. She herself even posted it to her FB page, but told me I couldn't see it because we weren't friends. We both laughed. I didn't mean to overshare, but here is my bottom line --- because I don't take Facebook seriously I wasn't willing to allow it to become a serious point of contention between my wife and I so (as I learned in church) if something that you have control over is becoming a cancer in your life, you simply cut it out, this goes for friends and certain extra curricular activities as well. The devil is always in disguise and most would be wise to not dismiss him even in the silliest of circumstances cuz that when he tears you apart. I didn't cut my wife off, I cut off the stupidness (and a bunch of other non-FB stuff) that was getting between us. Now it's all good. Besides as so many commenters have stated, it's not for everyone so if it works, God Bless you, if it doesn't then it just...doesn't. No biggie. It should be okay for everyone to do what they need to do to succeed in their own lives in accordance with their particular situations.
The week-long response to this piece has been great. Thanks to all of you for allowing me to share.
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43 comments:
First Bitches
Wow..this is an excellent topic!!! And an excellent read. Yes I do facebook with the one I love. But we both understand and use it for what it is. Being Entrepreneurs..we can never meet enough people. It seems as if we take the Comedian with a significant other approach. We understand that everything we say in our routine is just jokes... when it comes down to it, it's all about the money and making people laugh.
Now i can admit, i have gotten a little annoyed at a few pictures i see on her page... but I check myself. I know she has a past and so do I. So as long as we both understand that..it's all good. BUT IT DOESN'T WORK FOR EVERYONE. MySpace almost got my previous lady friend choked out. "Exactly why am I not one of your top friends?" You know the conversation!
I am not married, nor do I have anyone that I currently feel romantic about. Still an interesting read though :-) If facebook makes you over analyze meanless comments and interactions then I guess de-friending your significant other is a good thing.
oops I meant meaningless! lol Sorry for the typo.
I'm sooo upset right now I'm not even going to tase pretty ricky for being first. E.payne I do read ur blog from time to time & always find it so heartfelt & respect it because the love u have for ur family comes thru loud & clear. BUT I do think its FUCKED UP that you unfriended your wife. You need to love & claim her not only in the real world but in the virtual world also. I'm not on facebook anymore because my significant other also didn't like comments being left to me by other people so naturally I was upset when he then decided to join. YES I've had issues with his status & comments made on his page once or twice. BUT he has NEVER denied me or the existence of me & our family. And unfortunately I feel that's what you are doing. She's your wife & for BETTER OR WORSE you guys have to either solve the issue together or delete BOTH facebook accounts. I would DEFINITELY have a problem if/when I decided to join facebook if Austin didn't have me as one of his friends. He's one of my best friends in real life so I should definitely be his friend in the virtual world. I understand how ur trying to keep certain aspects of your personal life between the 2 of u as it should be. Then DON'T post those comments on Facebook. Text them to each other. Come up with rules about what u both are comfortable sharing. I even had & still have certain issues with pics of my daughter on facebook. Austin putting them on facebook is a proud parent showing off his new baby. BUT as an overprotective person who doesn't trust anyone I don't believe everyone who sees her picture or comments means well. The same way I'm leary when other people post pics of her. All in all this woman is YOUR WIFE & you are her HUSBAND. And u both should come to an agreement that you both can live with. And put her ass back on ur friends list ASAP before I lend her my taser!!! :)
I haven't had a real BOYFRIEND since Myspace or Facebook, but I can definitely see how trouble can start. I've had friends who actually broke up with their significant others off of some Myspace or Facebook stuff. Some would even say Myspace was the devil!
But I think if you have insecurities already, then you'll see something harmless as a threat. You'll overanalyze and read too much into everything. Most people who are doing something shady are very good about hiding all that stuff, or at least TRY to be anyway - so FB or Myspace is the LAST place you'd catch them doing something. It's what you DON'T see that can be a problem.
I do agree that these sites can be very invasive, especially if you don't adjust your settings so that EVERYTHING isn't readily available to ANYONE and EVERYONE. I've had friends spy on their friends' man or woman on Facebook - it's insane! If you're looking for something, you'll find it - simply because you already have it in your mind to find.
If you can't check yourself, then either don't join sites like this, or manage it according to your own insecurities. Be honest with yourself. If "de-friending" someone keeps you sane, then do it, because your mind will always play tricks on you and nothing is worth ruining an otherwise happy relationship over...or losing your peace of mind.
I think he did the right thing. I think people put too much into Facebook. Him taking her from his friend's list doesn't mean she's not his friend...or still his wife. Who gives a damn about FB?!
If you ask me, it took more of a man to admit his insecurities about it and actually DO something about it, rather than try to be tough guy and let it fester in him. Why be mad when you can control your feelings by de-friending her? If she's mad that he de-friended her because she thinks that's an indication that he doesn't love her or she's "not really his friend" then that's silly. She should appreciate that he'd rather interact with her in real life rather than trouble her with his own issues. Sometimes yoiu women get in your own head and overreact when it's not necessary. If you she and women like her took the time to actually THINK about what he did and the reasons why, she'll find that he did what he did BECAUSE he actually loves and cares more about HER and THEIR MARRIAGE than a stupid site!
I agree with cable guy, I don't think what he did was wrong at all. Too many times we go looking for stuff and find it just because we WANT to find something. I've seen men and women act a fool over Facebook and it's dumb. If your relationship ends because your man took you off his friends list, then you have bigger problems.
I understand that he loves her & the facebook thing is silly BUT in his blog he states that this action BOTHERED HER... WHY bother the woman you love over something silly??? As a woman my first inclination when something BOTHERS my man is to fix what bothers him...I don't think in this case he's fixing the problem as much as he is trying to AVOID the problem.. Big difference. I can totally see where BOTH of them are coming from & commend him for admitting his insecurities & it sounds like they both have some. Like I said its obvious that they both have love for each other I just feel he took the easy way out.
Well, E said he woulnd't be around to comment today, but there are some women who took issue with what he did and he addressed them on the other site. He uses FB mainly to promote his writing, so he's on it for that reason. But the problem with sites like these it that it broadcasts EVERYTHING that is done: "Brooke is now friends with John" "Brooke wrote on John's wall" etc. If you have issues with this, and he doesn't want to see what she's doing all the time, then I think he did the right thing. I don't think he's hiding from it at all - he addressed his issue full on.
Just because someone has a problem with what you did, doesn't mean what you did was wrong. I feel he did a good job of explaining WHY he did it. If she doesn't like the REASON, then that's a separate discussion. Alot of times we let our ego get in the way. I've had friends say to me "you never comment on my status" or "how come I'm not your top friend on Myspace" and it would truly baffle me. These would be the same people that I talked to 10 times a day on the phone or on IM all day. Why are you defining our friendship by FB or Myspace. That's your OWN issue and I'm not gonna make you my top friend or comment on your status just to appease you. That's an issue that YOU need to work through.
I'm sure E's wife is over it now and will appreciate what he did in due time, if she hasn't already. I think it's nice that a man can put his issues out there and do somethinig about them rather than allow them to interfere with what truly matters to him, and that's his relationship.
Annamaria, I have to disagree. He said he didn't want to see what she was doing or what people were saying on her page, so he de-friended her so he didn't have to see it. The reason she has a problem with it is because now she can't see what HE'S doing. He's dealing with his insecurities, SHE isn't. He can admit his issues, SHE can't. Saying it bothers her that she's not his friend isn't enough. What is the REASON? She's his wife for Christ's sake. He explained his position. What's her's? If he adds her back as a friend so that it doens't "bother" her anymore, then he's not fixing the problem, he's enabling her insecurities. She needs to investigate why being his friend in a virtual world is more important to her than being his wife in real life.
Excellent read.
Brilliant topic.
The virtual world can certainly breed insecurities, but as Brookey said - "you were already insecure" before facebook or myspace.
I agree with Cable guy also. This guy stepped in the face of his own misgivings and took action. Let's face it, its a never-ending cycle of "who's this?" and "why are they saying that?"
Its a sticky situation, but trust is the inherent issue -- on Facebook or not.
In this "password-protected" age, the fact that this young lady hacked his account was a trust offense. That's "defriendable" right there on principle.
This was a great piece of reading and I enjoyed.
Stay thirsty.
DMoe
I'm not going to pile on Annamaria, cuz it seems like enough people disagree with her stance. I tend to disagree as well, but this isn't directed towards her.
I can say this - I'm not married, but I'm shocked at how much people think they are deducing or how much they make out of Facebook. People can let their minds run wild make their thoughts turn into what they perceive as reality. On Facebook, I've been called homophobic, sexist, against all Latinos, against Black people, against white people, racist, self-hating, woman-hating, uneducated, bourgeois, against abortion, FOR abortion, atheist, Jesus freak, Muslim, Buddhist, conservative, liberal...u name it, I've been called it.
This is ALWAYS do 2 someone's misinterpretation of what I may have written or what someone else may have written. The people who know me know that none of those labels fits (well, I'm PERSONALLY against aborting any child I would take part in creating). But those who don't know me that well can and will jump to INCREDIBLE conclusions...and, as has been stated, many people's on issues and hang-ups become apparent when they're trying to "diagnose" what you've written.
I can't imagine how strained things can become between a married couple! My boy deleted his FB account cuz women from his past would make flirtatious, over the line remarks at times - and his wife felt it was disrespectful He agreed, and took the only source of contention they had out of his life. Another married friend rarely goes on FB, other than 2 occasionally check on certain people and read the articles/view the videos they may post. He kind of "lurks" on FB (kind of like many of you do on here).
Facebook can be a GREAT thing - connecting with old friends, stumbling across new people of like minds, and exchanging all types of things - educational, funny, mind-provoking, etc. But it can also cause havoc in some people's lives, and ESPECIALLY in relationships. Why let that happen with someone you lie next to nightly??
The important thing is REALITY, not virtual reality. If FB made his relationship with his wife better, than props to E.
Sidebar - my mother had a FB account created for her by a cousin (whose ass is sure to be beat when me and my sister are in her town). I REFUSE to add my mother, cuz the convos and interactions I have on FB would result in questions and convos with my mother that I don't want to have. Thus, why expose her to the playful banter of me and a friend only for my mother to look and say "who is so-and-so and why are y'all talking about such-and-such?" "Uh, mom...that's a good friend from college, and we're KIDDING. Why are you FALKING (Facebook stalking) my page??"
I like the blog topic. Original, and well-put.
UGH! Excuse the grammar and typos!!!
HELLOOO
Remember me?!?!? It me Brooke's sister.....
First I have to say yal still saying "first bitches"?!?!?
Now I can agree with E. on this. Its like having your own space. My husband would probably not get my humor between my friends nor do I want him all up in my past biznes from HS and college.
Thank God he is not into this stuff!!!!
Annamaria calm down girl!!!! How is the baby?
I agree Rameer. I've had people tell me who I was dating, might be sleeping with, who's that, did you date him, all these questions simply based off a random comment someone made on my wall. I'm like "really?" I have guy "friends" on FB leave me flirtatious comments, and I've never laid eyes on them. Half of my "friends" on FB are people I don't even know. So it's funny when I hear that I'm "seeing" someone I've never even met, simply because he wrote "hi sweetie" on my page.
I can only IMAGINE what it's like for people in real relationships, let alone simple speculation among friends.
Rameer u get called all those things on this blog too!!! Lol
I guess I am OVERLY protective then...HIIIIII NICOLE!!!!!!
The baby is amazing! She's beautiful & getting bigger & doesn't act like a 2 1/2 month old!!!!
Hello everybody!
I've commented once or twice before on this blog but mostly I'm a "Lurker."
I guess I and my wife are a part of the elite group of people who get along well both in reality and virtual reality.
When (if) I get inappropriate remarks from women on FB I check them immediately. Sometime this is done through private message and sometimes it's done as a comment to them for everyone to see. This is exactly how I would handle such disrespect in person if my wife and I were out and about. My wife does the same thing.
I see FB as a way to keep in touch with old friends and make new contacts, very similar to a neighborhood bar and I treat it the same way.
I think I am actually torn on this one. I defintely agree with annamaria... if something bothers your body you find a way to fix and resolve it. Not saying that you cater to them... but you guys are partners. So for him to just take her off... not even caring how she feels about it was kinda wrong.
However... I do agree that he knows his weakness and he acted upon it. I have a little insecure streak as well. I know if you tell me about all your past boyfriends, I'm gonna have issues if they are around in any capacity at all. So don't tell me about them. I know you have a past that,s good enough. We'll just work on our future!
I would like every one's opinion on the following. My wife and I both have Facebook accounts. Her friends include a couple of past boyfriends. I don't care really OR even have an opinion about her having the ex's as friends, everyone has a past. Conversely, I have an ex that I dated for about 10 years. Recently my ex sent a friend invitation to me and I accepted. My wife went into a tizzy when I accepted my ex's friend request which eventually resulted in her deleting me from her friends list. Isn't that a double standard? I must accept her having her ex's as friends but I must not communicate with my ex. I have since deleted my ex from my friends list just to keep the peace...I mean she is my wife and I want to respect her feelings! But now, why do I feel so violated and powerless? In fairness she has offered to delete her two ex's from her Facbook account but again her having ex's as Facebook friends doesn't bother me in the least bit.
Am I being a punk? How should I address this matter?
Thanks.
FB
I'm not married, but I think that having your SO as a friend somewhat limits what you can say and what can be said to you--simply out of respect for your partner, who may be reading. Harmless flirtation can EASILY be misinterpreted online. I have a friend who's wife broke off their engagement because of a comment that a high school girlfriend left on facebook. I knew before he did though--because his status suddenly changed to, "(His name) is a triflin a$$ negro that likes to hook up with ex-girlfriends-the wedding is off". His profile was gone from facebook the next day, and soon after, she made him change his number as well. While this is a special case (his wife is/was an insecure woman that won't allow him to have female friends, gets mad when he spends time with his friends and doesn't invite her--that kind of thing), it isn't isolated. I'm all for anything that preserves a relationship and promotes sanity. In my opinion, defriending your SO, even though it seems like a negative action--is one of those things.
Anonymous... I think you did the right thing. If you having your ex-girlfriend bothers your wife that much..then by all means take her off. When it comes down to it... what's more importnat... your marriage or your ex-girlfriend. But you just found one of your wife's insecurities! That's all.
A marriage counselor once said... the whole "but you have your ex-boyfriends on your page and I don't say anything" bit does not apply in a relationship. Just because you don't get mad about it doesn't mean she shouldn't and vice versa!
Here's another aspect of all this:
1. Putting comments on people's wall to smear them or cause controversy is just plain old "high school." And, to that point, I got a few friends who have suffered that fate on alumni group sites, FB and myspace.
Considering the fact that I have coworkers sprinkled throughout my friends on FB, I take discretion very seriously and operate with a zero-foolishness-tolerance policy.
If you clown, you've violated me, and your not a friend. neither in that world or the real one.
The bottom line is, that's just wack. But - if the fiance' in question wasn't a "friend" on FB, she wouldn't have been afforded the opportunity to do something silly. So, going all the way back to Annamaria's stance (and I respect it completely)
-but Maybe E realizes that before somebody does something stupid, let's just draw the line...I think that was the point. He obviously has some idea of what he or his woman "might" be capable of when having a fit about FB. Hey, if she gets mad enough, she might hack into his account and post foolish things. Oops. Too late.
DMoe
To answer anonymous' question - I don't think you were a punk per se, but it does raise the question of if there's a double standard in your relationship.
Why does she believe that SHE is perfectly capable of maintaining platonic relations with HER exes, but you're not capable of doing the same thing? What does accepting a friend request from your ex signify to HER? That's the part I question. Does she trust YOU?
Of course some battles aren't worth fighting, so if deleting your ex keeps the peace in the house, then fine. But that could possibly build resentment, because look how you feel now? Violated and powerless. Over time, that'll build up and spill over into the what the REAL issue is: TRUST.
Either she trusts you or she doesn't. And again, the ones who say hi to you all out in the open on your wall on FB are usually the LAST ones you need to worry about. If a person has it in their mind to do wrong, they're going to- FB account or not. All FB does is create another POSSIBLE venue to act it out.
I've had guy friends who told me they couldn't be friends with me because their new girlfriend doesn't like her man having female friends. Despite having been friends for YEARS before he even met this girl, I've had many a male friend cut me off, only to find out they broke up or divorced later due to trust issues. If you don't trust your man or your woman, say THAT...don't make them delete exes on FB without saying what the reason is. Most people think admitting insecurities is weak, but I say it's honest. I think E was honest with his feelings, and that to me is what I think alot of people fail to do - tell the truth.
sorry anonymous. I won't call you a punk, but I definitely think that was some bullshit. Basically she told you she doesn't trust you without really saying it. What is she mad at? Did this ex kill y'all's cat or something? Why does she have an issue with HER? Is it because y'all dated for 10 years? She thinks y'all will hook up in "cyber space"? that's wack!
this is the main reason I don't tell anyone I'm dating about any exes of mine. Don't ask, don't tell. I don't wanna know who YOU dated and you don't need to know who I dated - unless it was a friend or sister of yours or something. Other than that, keep that ish to yourself. This way, what I don't know won't hurt me, and what's supposed to be in the past is simply that - the past!
Brooke and Ricky,
Thanks for the feedback!
FB
Uh Anonymous.. Pretty Ricky What dey Call'em.
LOL... I've benn waiting to say that for weeks! LOL
You guys are WAAAAYYYYY more open minded than I am. I would definitely have a problem with Austin's exes being friends. NOW I don't have a problem with him having female friends as long as they respect but I would definitely have a problem with exes. BUT I wouldn't expect him to put up with it either unlike anonymous girl. Not because of trust issues but what happened in the past should stay in the past & we don't need constant reminders of it either. Learn from it & move on.
Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em, thanks for the education! Annamaria, why get upset over the past? She is my wife..that is my ex-girl! Marriage is about trust and respect. She should know that I wouldn't do anything to violate or lose that!
I would also like to add that my ex is engaged to be married to another guy!
Why can't we all be like Demi, Bruce and Ashton? That shit only looks weird because we don't understand it! LOL
FB
I have NOOOO desire to be like Bruce, Demi or Ashton. I like being Annamaria. That shit is just not the norm where I come from so therefore not interested. If that's a flaw then that's a flaw that my man can either accept or reject but its not going to change.
Cableguy,
I hear everything that you said, but this isn't some random chick that I am dating, that is my wife! I believe in the whole don't ask don't tell policy but this is a woman I respect and love and didn't and still don't think I should keep secrets from! We only human...we all gonna be curious about our spouse's past and eventually the shit gonna come up! It is as certain as death and taxes! I won't even label that as a woman thing! It's just human nature to be curious about your spouse and what helps shape them to be who and what they are! Real Talk!
FB
Annamaria,
Lol... when I see them all on the red carpet together, that just looks crazy to me too!
Not every relationship in your past is a bad one that needs to eliminated. I have exes on my FB page as well some who read my blog - and some of their wives read my blog. We were friends before we dated, so we can be friends after so long as we don't cross any lines.
I have no desire to disrespect any of my exes who are friends, and they're not doing anything to disrespect t themselves either.
I like the whole Demi, Ashton and Bruce thing. If they have to interact anyway, might as well be mature about it.
@anonymous... that is the realest of talk!!!!! I would love to think I got my feelings in check all the time and I'm mad secure. Uhhhhh not sooo much!
What's up people? Finally got some time to comment. On the original site where this was posted they are past 4,000 hits and I think 60 comments so clearly it's a Pandora's box that no one has openly addressed. I didn't expect the outbursts it caused at all. For whatever reason I got attacked on the original site by a few people, by men for stating that if I couldn't maintain a Facebook account with my wife then I was doomed to fail in real life (?!!!) and what I thought was VERY interesting is that the perfect (and very judgmental) men and women who were comfortable in being FB friends with their spouses (mostly women) felt the need proudly proclaim that neither they nor their spouses had anything to hide. Funny thing is that I never mentioned anything about having to hide anything or needing to have my own space in this piece. In fact the exact opposite is true of Facebook, the place is completely transparent. Nor to I suggest I was wrong for being on Facebook with their partner.
Here's the deal, plain and simple: for me it was becoming a distraction. If I put up a real generic status because I was pissed about something that happened at home my wife would call me up at work and curse me out because she was able to read between the lines. If some dude she went to grade school with made some sideways comment about one of her pictures or one of my kids' pictures (regarding her being sexy whatever) I don't care if they guy is in Alaska or not it annoyed me. Why? Because I'm a guy and guys know guys. And it's one thing to accept that these harmless infractions happen to the woman you love when she's not in your presence. It's another to see it up on the Internet and some joker with a stupid profile picture stating it. And so on and so on. Now here's what in my humble opinion would be ridiculous: demanding my wife get off Facebook because I can't handle her FB friendships. Never in a million years would I consider something so stupid. And it really isn't that serious.
Here's the deal folks: I knew my wife long before Facebook existed and our relationship can never be defined by it, but during a very rough patch in our journey it was getting in the way and since we were arguing about everything under the sun I decided I didn't need or want to add Facebook to the pile. And it was my decision as a grown man to do better because I knew better. The wife was initially caught off guard, but now she thinks it's funny and has gotten a kick out of discussing this piece with me and her girlfriends. From what she tells me this post has gone viral. She herself even posted it to her FB page, but told me I couldn't see it because we weren't friends. We both laughed. I didn't mean to overshare, but here is my bottom line --- because I don't take Facebook seriously I wasn't willing to allow it to become a serious point of contention between my wife and I so (as I learned in church) if something that you have control over is becoming a cancer in your life, you simply cut it out, this goes for friends and certain extra curricular activities as well. The devil is always in disguise and most would be wise to not dismiss him even in the silliest of circumstances cuz that when he tears you apart. I didn't cut my wife off, I cut off the stupidness (and a bunch of other non-FB stuff) that was getting between us. Now it's all good. Besides as so many commenters have stated, it's not for everyone so if it works, God Bless you, if it doesn't then it just...doesn't. No biggie. It should be okay for everyone to do what they need to do to succeed in their own lives in accordance with their particular situations.
The week-long response to this piece has been great. Thanks to all of you for allowing me to share.
Peace.
I never thought I would agree with this option.
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