Thursday, December 4, 2008

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Happy Monday!

An Eagles win over the Giants is cause for some celebratory ice cream, don't you think? LOL!!



Ah, I had to get that out...ahem...sorry Giants fans! Okay, I'm really not sorry :-)

Now, onto the topic of the day :-) This is kinda long...so...sorry!

A friend of mine asked me to do a blog today about breaking up with someone "nicely." The reason she asked me to do it was because she recently had the awful task of breaking up with her boyfriend...and she did it over text message. He texted her to say he loved her and her response? "We need to talk."

OUCH!

She knows she's wrong, but I thought it was kind of funny because she did it incorrectly and he tricked her into staying with him - so basically they're still together because he wasn't having it! LOL! Okay, I guess I shouldn't laugh at her pain, but I thought that was funny as hell :-)

Now, I'm certainly no expert in the art of break-ups. I've had to do it a couple of times and it was not fun. I've had it done to me once and it wasn't fun. Usually my break-ups are amicable and mutually agreed upon. Or they're a result of some indiscretion - cheating, lying, he was married and lied about it, the list goes on - so there was no need for a "nice" break-up. But when you want to break-up, is there really a "nice" way to do it?

Some people chicken out and try to act like a jerk so that the person they want to break up with breaks up with them first. Or they play some kind of game instead of being upfront so they won't appear to be the bad guy. Did any of you see "Breakin All The Rules" with Jamie Foxx, Gabrielle Union and Morris Chestnut? Check it out:



Let's take a poll:

What do you think is the worst breakup line?

"It's not you, it's me"
"I'm just not ready for a relationship"
"You're too good for me, you deserve someone better"

Although I don't advise people to play games or diss someone via text, I will say if you're going to do it, do it right! LOL!! For my lady friends out there, if you're too afraid to break up with him because he might stalk you or choke you out, I advise you simply drive him away. If you want to rid yourself of Mr. Wrong, here are some suggestions:

Best Way #1. Always end arguments by turning some deeply private secret he's confided to you...against him. Then add, "Screw you, you slobbering half-wit!" (my friend that broke up with her guy HATES it when men cry) LOL!!

2. Don't mince words. If he asks, reply, "Why, yes, dear, now that I look at it, your penis is the smallest I've ever seen in my life."

3. Call him repeatedly.

4. If he doesn't call back, email him. If he doesn't return your email, fax him a funny little joke. If he still doesn't call, drop by his office and surprise him with a "cute" card. If he's not at his office, drive to his house, wait for him at his front door and, when he arrives, tell him he can do anything he wants with you because you can't live without him.

5. Ask him once a week, "So, where do we stand?" Or, if you prefer a more dramatic scrotum-tightener, ask, "So, where do we stand as a couple?"

6. Be the first woman in recorded history to actually tell a man exactly how many dudes you've slept with. If it's not a big number, make up a big number

7. Make him watch The Color Purple with you over and over...especially the part where Celie is going to slash Mr.'s throat with a razor :-)

8. Fixate on the future. Focus on his taking you to the Bahamas for Valentine's Day. If he doesn't take you, tell him he is the worst boyfriend EVER!

9. Always cry after sex. Better yet, cry DURING sex. :-)

10. Criticize his mother.

11. Borrow $2,300 from him.

12. Ask him about his "personal feelings concerning the relationship" while he's watching the final two minutes of the seventh game of the NBA championship series. If he doesn't hear you, snap off the TV and throw the remote out the window.

13. He'll refuse to speak to you after you've hurled the remote out the window, but so what? This is an excellent opportunity to confront him about his "fear of being inferior."

14. Do you own an old pair of baggy maroon sweatpants with holes in them? Wear them. Every night.

15. Blind yourself to his faults. (Of course, if you happen to see a fault by mistake, immediately point it out to him.)

16. Say sweetly, "Either your idiot dog goes...or I go."

17. Withhold sex for two weeks.

18. Don't pay back the $2,300.

19. Nag.Nag.Nag.Nag.Nag.

20. Wear his favorite shirt without asking and spill Cherry Coke on it while driving his new Lexus, which you accidentally crash into the car in front of you at a stop light.

21. Reassure him that all men, have, uh, difficulties in the sack, but not to worry -- you've discussed his problem with his friends, and they all think it's hilarious.

22. Tell him oral sex makes you gag - except when he does it :-) LMAO!

23. Festering resentment. Try it.

24. Never tell him he makes you happy. Never say that sometimes you're so proud to be with him you want to weep for joy.

25. Never cook anything for him.

26. Refer to his car as "a piece of shit."

27. Don't let him miss you. (i.e., spend every moment with/near/on/under/over him -- particularly those blessed moments when you feel bloated and you're on your period)

28. Let him miss you too much. Rarely come home from the office until after 10:30pm.

29. Keep yourself informed about his activities. Call around to his friends and check up on him. When he walks in the door, sniff him over like you're a pit bull looking for a Big Mac.

30. Make him take the quizzes in ladies' magazines.

31. Explain that if primal man could learn to walk upright in a mere two million years, a moron like him can walk to take out the garbage :)

32. Rarely be in a playful mood.

33. Never have your wallet with you.

34. When you bump into an ex in the street while out with your man, throw your arms around the ex's neck, squeeze your body to him really tight and say, "Oh, My God! Oh, My God! Hi!!!"

35. If he's experiencing career difficulties (especially in this economy), gently point out that if he loses this job, he'll probably never get another one.

36. If you went to a better college than he did, never let him forget it.

37. After going out four times, instruct your children to call him Daddy. LOL!!

38. If you earn more money than he does, make sure you boost his ego by letting him pay for absolutely everything.

39. (From Liz) Tell him you worship the devil. LMAO!!

40. Wrap your whole life around him :-)

Okay, okay...I jest :-) That's not what you should do. I know breaking someone's heart is the last thing you want to do, but sometimes you just gotta do it for the sanity of you and your partner. You are playing with emotions that are often powerful and unpredictable. It’s likely that your boyfriend/girlfriend may have stronger emotions for you than vice versa. One thing is certain though, your life won’t be happy again until you get it over with once and for all. The thought of breaking someone's heart can be a daunting one, but if you respect the person, you should do what's right and let them go for their own sake.

The key is to do it amicably and maturely, and without the need to ‘stick the knife in’. It’s about damage limitation to both of you, but you have a duty to do and you must be firm about it. In your ‘speech’ to your partner, talk about the benefits to you both and how if it isn’t working for you then it is just not fair to them. Keep your language uncomplicated but supportive.

The worst thing you can do is buckle once you have said it and agree to give it another go. You know when it isn’t right, so why try to keep the pain going? Now my friend has to break up with her man AGAIN :-)

Don’t also make the mistake of ‘blame-finding’, and pointing the finger at specific circumstances that have brought you to your decision. It gets messy and you both walk away hating the other. It is very likely you can remain great friends.

Never break up with someone without being face to face with them. I’m talking about avoiding cowardly behavior like breaking up on: email, text, or via a friend. It’s just so unfair to the other person because they are left with questions and ideas that only you can answer – and it’s only fair that you answer them face to face.

In terms of where to do it, try to find a mutual ground or on their turf, somewhere that they will get comfort from.

I think there is an art to dumping someone with dignity. Unfortunately, I don't know what that art is, so I looked up these guidelines online to share with you since I am far from an expert. These nine time-tested guidelines will help you through the messy business of ending a relationship (the correct way) LOL!

1. Make up your mind.

So many women announce the split and do the exhaustive post-mortem with their friends, only to confess to reconciliation several days later. By this time we've all heard about the man's horrible body odor and weird relationship with his mother and other intimate, personal details we'd really rather not have to know about at all. In some cases this sort of flip-flopping takes place repeatedly, for years on end. Spare your friends, at least: don't announce it's over until you're absolutely sure.

2. Don't be silent.

Sometimes women simply stop returning a man's calls, figuring that this signals her lack of interest. He might think your phone has broken, although this is highly unlikely and he will assume you're not interested. However, it is a timid thing to avoid the phone. You should be able to speak to someone you dated and even went to bed with. Ignoring the incessant ring of the phone can also be more nerve-wracking and bothersome than just answering it and explaining to him that it's over. And, ultimately, it is just plain bad manners to blank out another person.

3. Be clear.

Some people favor vague lines such as 'I need some space,' and 'I need to be alone for a bit' when finishing a relationship. You might think that drawing out the end over time is a gentle way of letting him down. Instead, you'll be creating a more unpleasant and painful end. Don't give him hope. Be blunt. It's kinder.

4. Do your own dirty work.

Don't try to force him to break up with you by becoming bitchy and unreasonable. Many women unhappy in their relationships start inventing absurd jealousies and complaints in an effort to push their boyfriend away. You may think this tactic lets you off the hook. In fact, it's cowardly. It draws out the inevitable, and creates bad vibes between you. Take responsibility for your dissatisfaction. This goes for men too...don't be a jerk just to make her break up with you.

5. Stage the break-up carefully.

As far as location goes, restaurants and other public places are tricky because there's a slim chance he'll shout or, worse, cry - both of which will be highly embarrassing. If you do choose a restaurant it should be one that's in a central location. Also, make sure to look your worst. Wear an unflattering dress, a bit of that sickly sweet perfume he hates, and top it all off with a touch of green face powder.

6. Cry.

As you tell him that, wonderful as he is, it simply isn't working, try to muster up a few tears. His ego needs all the help it can get.

7. Offer a reason.

You need not give the dumpee the real reason for losing him - the mediocre sex; his whistling nose; his idiot friends - but you do need to offer a reason that's plausible. If all else fails, tell him that it's clear he's not happy, and he deserves to be with someone who can make him happy. This will confuse him, since he might well have been happy until you became dissatisfied. But it's the sort of thing he can repeat to himself when it's over: I wasn't happy. And that will help him to justify the break-up.

8. If you do lie, lie well.

'This hurts me more than it hurts you,' is disingenuous, because it never does. 'It's not you, it's me,' is far more credible, especially when followed by either of two statements: 'I want to get married, give up my job, and have a dozen babies' (if he's a free spirit), or 'I don't feel like I've slept with enough men in my life to settle down with one.' (if he's traditional). No need to initiate a break-up then - he'll head for the hills.

9. Avoid break-up sex.

That one last night of passion, 'for old time's sake,' might seem pretty tempting, but don't give in: it will only confuse him. The next morning, whilst you're retrieving your cosmetics from his bathroom cabinet, he'll assume you've changed your mind and are off preparing breakfast. Trust me, it's messy.

If you follow the above nine points you may manage to achieve that rarity: a civilized break-up. You and your ex might even move into a pleasant post-relationship friendship. But if, despite your best efforts, the remote begins to fly...duck! LOL!!

-b

16 comments:

Annamaria said...

I haven't even read the blog yet I just had to knock Rene off his high horse by being first! lol

Brooke said...

LMAO!!! damn! He's slow today cuz he's too busy eating cheesecake :)

Anonymous said...

I'm a lil sensitive on this one. I once texted "thinking of you" to a young lady I was seeing... I got the dreaded "we have to talk' response.

As it turns out she was cheating on me with her EX (or was she cheating on her EX with me?)

Anyway, she went back to him and 1 month later she was calling me back to "reconcile." Of course, we didn't...that's what she deserved! B*tch!!! LOL!

-Jay

Brooke said...

Damn Jay, that sucks..but you're right, that's what that heffa gets! LOL!! I bet she's kicking herself after losing a good guy like you.

Annamaria said...

Brooke I am VERY disappointed... You forgot the #1 way to break up for 2009! TASE THE MOFO!!! lmao
After surviving the shock he will NEVER want to be with you again! LOL ;)

ejackson said...

yoooo!!! youe reasons are MAD funny!!

I think "you're too good for me" is the WORSE break-up line...it is so insincere!

the truth sometimes will cause the other party to break up with you so that they don't feel like they were "dumped" (you know who i am talking about brooke!) If you want to get biblical, just tell the other person that you have discovered that you are "unevenly yoked" and therefore can't continue....

one line that i used once was:

"while you and i are both moving forward, we are going at two different speeds in two different directions so its not about keeping up, it would be about switching course and neither of us want to veer from our goals in order to make the other person happy."

it worked.

BTW, i see you dissed my YouTube video shout out for the eagles but its all good *sniff*

Brooke said...

LIZ!!! Keefe asked me today "Where is Liz's weekly update!?" I will post it tomorrow, I promise! Sorry, I'm just giddy that the Eagles won!

Annamaria - LMAO LMAO LMAO! Yeah, I think tasing is cause for a break-up :-)

Anonymous said...

"You're too good for me" is a bad one but I think "I'm too good for you" is worse! IMHO lol!

Jay

Rene The Harlemite said...

These reasons are mad funny!

Annamaria-You are lucky that I was was finishing up a coule of blogs.
You got it today!

MOMO-Be happy you saved your money since no one won the Mega Millions.


Brooke-Y'all got the win this week.Congrats ...Nuff said

Dre-Congrats on your Ravens!

Even though we lost we still clinched the playoffs

I hope that everyone had a good weekend.

Breaking up via Text is a no-no...You should not even argue via text. If you can't do it in person then worst case scenario do it over the phone.

It's one thing to let someone know we need to talk but after that you meet or get on the phone.


Actually my I was with a friend of mine yesterday at a football game and she was telling me a story about her boss just getting dumped. Her boss dated a guy that lived 2 1/2 hours from her. the guys the boss was dating drove all the way up there and back just to talk to her in person to break up with her. It show's character for however bad the situation is.

Here's a remix: RANDOM FACTS MONDAY's:
-It is brick in NYC today!
-I am doing antoher Toys For Tots Drive in NYC Dec 19th.
-Brooke's Cheesecake is CRACK!

Brooke said...

Thanks for the congrats on the Eagles Rene, some of my other NY friends are straight haters! LOL!

awww, thank you about the cheesecake, it WAS kinda tasty wasn't it? Amanda is gonna cut you tho for taking her cheesecake, and for giving the last piece to Cole! LOL!

Anonymous said...

Excellent blog today Ms. Brooke. I’m actually getting ready to read it again. You had a lot of useful break-up techniques! Oh one break up line someone used on me once was IT JUST WASN’T THERE ANYMORE? What in the heck was he talking about? BTW: Yesterday I was watching a show on A&E (it’s the show with the ticket agents). And I saw your name in credits. I actually started to laugh and thought about Annamaria and how I must find a hobby to occupy my time. Once again great blog!

-Leesa

Keefe said...

Leesa,

Funny that you mentioned seeing Brooke's name on A&E. I told her today and I quote: “why come” I only watch A&E when a show is ending and they are rolling credits just to see your name?

Brooke said...

awww, you all are such great friends! I work hard for that credit! But I appreciate you guys doing that cuz I know I barely watch A&E my damn self! LOL!

Ms. Princess said...

Ok Brooke-lyn, what's going on today? Is your post supposed to be The Easiest Way a Woman Can Get Her Behind Whooped? Or What To Do Ladies If You Never Want To See The Light of Day Again? Criticize his mother? Tell him his penis is small? THROW THE REMOTE OUT THE WINDOW??? He may let you live after the penis comment but he'll be damned if you're going to toss the clicker while Kobe's playing Lebron. That's the initializer for WWIII right there.
I haven't been dumped before. Not that I'm Lola Falana (I wish) but I simply haven't had enough relationships to acrue any playing time...nor players, lol. I had to dump a guy I was dating in high school. We were pretty good friends at the time. I'd broken it off with my high school sweetheart and of course "sweetheart" began behaving in a mean fashion towards me in retaliation. "Friend" was the shoulder I could lean on and we began to date. It was only for 2 months, the spread between my bday and his. Then I realized we were just really good friends. I enjoyed his company, we loved to pick each other's brains, had great conversations, could share anything. But our relationship lacked that feeling, that spark, the minutiae of what usually begins the process of me falling for a man. I knew I had to break it off. I did the "we need to talk" schpiel. He already knew the drill because he said "No, no, noooo. Don't do this." That broke my heart, but I didn't want to lead him on. I wanted to do it before we went on Thanksgiving break. What made it worse is that was just before his bday. He understood eventually because he really didn't feel it either. I was rebounding from a relationship and we just liked each other but not in that way.
Today, he's one of my best-est-est friends in the world (eventhough he missed my bday this year - that bum!). He went on and married his college sweetheart, a wonderful gal, and they share 3 beautiful chillins, he's a wonderful husband and man. I like to think I had a little bit to do with that. His wife is even a thick gal like myself **Pranny pats herself on the back** And most importantly, we still share and talk like we're in high school. I'm glad I broke it off while it was amicable before it went sour. His is a consociation that taught me about love and friendship and gave me insight on the male species (wow, what a quick 5 minutes that took, lol). His fellowship was a fractionary element that made my wonder years whole. He'd be sooo touched that I said these things about him. Let's just keep this between us, k?
And that's all I have to say about that. Spread love my people.
~Princess

Nicole said...

Ok Brooke you know I got two babies how you gonna have this long ass blog......anyway two things first before I add my two cents.....

1. Eid Mubarak
2. Rene you da bomb!!!!!!! How was the fried chicken???? I am all for the taking hostage of the cheese cake I mean really can we get some arros con condolles Amanda?!!!!

Ok for this topic I been married now 8 years!!!!! damn thats long (can I get new diamond...Brooke put it in his ear... Annaversary is coming Dec 31.
I forget how you break up with someone... maybe tell them your mom said you can't date??? Sike it hasn't been that long....Just be honest and tell the person its me not you I have some issues to work out and I don't want to leave you hanging while I get myself together. Oh! is that cliche?? Just leave me out of this one I am in a silly mood.....

I'll holla

Nicole said...

I feel like a bad sister I never thought to look for your name at the end of a show..... wow I am shady.....

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