Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Guest Blogger!

Happy Hump Day!

Today I'm going to switch things up a bit - I have a GUEST BLOGGER!!! He goes by the name of Maliek Ball and he's a fellow Syracuse Alum, a fellow Philadelphian and just a straight up, cool ass dude! He's also Rene The Harlemite's frat brother, so maybe Rene will be first to comment today (after me of course!) Liz posted a video blog, so feel free to check it out today, or you can wait until tomorrow when I include it for Random Thoughts Thursday. But today, the blog belongs to Maliek!

Introducing Maliek!



I just want to know some other people’s views and opinions on this topic:

To me, it seems increasingly harder to get to know someone of the opposite sex these days. I have had conversations with many of my male friends and female friends alike, and I notice some of the same stereotypes rearing their ugly heads in several of these conversations.

When I speak to some of my male friends, I hear things such as: Women only want me for my dough; women say they want a good man but they always go after the thug or the bad boy; women play more games than men - they just hide it better; women say they know what they want but they really don’t; women are crazy...I could go on all day.

When I speak to some of my female friends, I hear things such as: Men are dogs (all men cheat); men are immature; men are liars; men only want me for one thing; men aren’t strong enough to handle a strong woman; I make "X" amount a year and the men I meet don’t...again, I could go on all day.

Some things that I started to realize from my own personal experiences and from the experiences of others is that men and women have these preconceived notions that build these walls. It’s these walls that don’t allow us to get to know the opposite sex. It’s these walls that don’t allow many men to open up about anything on their minds for fear of getting played and looking like a fool in front of his boys. (That’s a whole other problem unto itself) It’s these walls that are not allowing many women to see the man in front of them, but instead they are seeing the man that they know is going to mess up on them sooner or later. Then we end up doing stupid things like frontin’ when we are with our boys, or letting our girls know about every detail in our relationship and allowing them to help dictate our next move. (An overwhelming majority of the time, that advice is, “You don’t need him.”)

What that does is this: IT DOESN’T ALLOW US TO BE HUMAN. That’s what we are - we are human. We are going to make mistakes. We all have stories of people we know that will walk away from a potential relationship or current relationship over the silliest things. Relationships take work. It isn’t a fairytale. You get out of it what you put in. You will get even less out of dating someone if you are barely putting anything in for that dating period to flourish. All I’m saying is this, it’s time for us let these walls down just a bit if you truly want to be happy in your dating life or relationship. We are all afraid of getting hurt. Unfortunately that can and does happen, but you will never truly find happiness if you aren’t willing to open yourself up to it. Fellas, get to know her for her and don’t believe she is just like the woman that was in a bad relationship with your boy and ended up on Maury. Women, get to know him for him and don’t believe that he is the guy that is trying to sleep with every woman he sees. I’m not saying that it’s going to work out your very next time around, but if you open up, your next story may be, “We went to Jared!!!”


Maliek Ball

(E-A-G-L-E-S...GO EAGLES!!!)

54 comments:

Brooke said...

This is funny for me to say on my own blog, but – I’m FIRST! LOL! And before you get upset Nicole, I obviously DID read the blog…and now I will kick things off and leave my comment.

Since we’ve blogged about relationships in the past, it goes without saying that I have an opinion about what you wrote Maliek, and I think you were 100% correct in everything you said.

Love is the most powerful force in the universe – but it’s also the most frightening. Frightening because, like you said, it involves tearing down the very walls we build around ourselves to protect us. Intimate relationships are like mirrors, where we are sometimes forced to see ourselves for who we are. Sometimes those mirrors reflect the very best in us, and other times those mirrors reveal areas where we need to do some inner work. You’re right Maliek, we’re human – so seeing ourselves also means we have to confront the fact that we’re not perfect. Love and emotions show us where our fears and insecurities lie. They stir up inner conflict and unhealed wounds from past relationships that make us behave in ways that are counterproductive to sustaining a healthy partnership (like assuming all men are dogs or all women are crazy).

We’re afraid to see and be seen. Being in a relationship means we need to go to a deeper level of self-revelation, and we’re afraid to go there, even though the relationship demands it – so we bail out, or sabotage the potential relationship by acting a fool, or do the silly things you speak of. Building these walls may protect us from pain for a little while, but it also makes us feel separate and alone. We have to be careful about what we say we want…because you usually attract what you are or what you fear. Therefore, the work begins with us.

Our relationships have the best chance of thriving when we feel whole and healed and happy by ourselves. No one can fill that void if we don’t love ourselves and work on fixing our dysfunctional thought process when it comes to relationships. We become the perfect partner when we feel comfortable within ourselves to safely reveal who we truly are – to see and be seen – soul to soul. Great blog Maliek!

Annamaria said...

Brooke: Don't get tased for taking my spot!!! lol

Two: Maliek great blog.

Three: I feel that it is difficult to get to know people with our preconceived stereotypes BUT we must also look at what we do to find love. BROTHERS if the only reason you talk to a girl is cause she got a FAT ASS & then the first thing you do is take her shopping & give her money. DON'T GET MAD WHEN THAT IS WHAT SHE TAKES YOU FOR.
SISTERS...Stop fronting like you didn't stop cause dude was driving a benz, spending money with the latest gear on...
Let's all be responsible for our actions & look beyond material things. Look at each others minds. When you are looking for a mate ask yourself. IF god forbid this person had an accident & was poor & needed to be taken care of would I want to be the person taking care of them??
Love is a beautiful thing when people take there time & do it right. And don't get me wrong some dudes & some chicks can sneak by & play a good game so in the end it's pretty much a game of chance.....

Maliek Ball said...

I'm not sure who this Maliek fella is but he's obviously a pretty smart guy. Just look at my shou...I mean, his shout out to the Philadelphia Eagles at the end of his blog.

phillygrl said...

ok malik...since you are from philly, I will give you a pass on that "we went o Jared" REALLY annoying commercial refernce!:-), but on the topic..I wholeheartedly agree with you EXCEPT for the fact that, of course your comments are generalizations, b/c as you see the comments on here agree with you...so maybe surrounding yourself with like minded others, or no clubs, go to other places, museums, house "soire'es" , or I don't know b/c Im single, but hey just being the best me for the time to come...and of course in closing..E-A-G-L-E-S!!!p.s. btw if you get any tix for a game(as in brooke's last post)..im free to join you !!:-)

Brooke said...

Well, to be fair, Maliek said "some men" or "some women" - not ALL. He was speaking from the point of view of what some of his male friends have told him and what some of his female friends have told him - not in generalizations. All of us can speak to our experiences the same way.

phillygrl said...

yes,. yes,...I agree brooke:-)

phillygrl said...

p.s. i also can't stand it when people say "men are dogs"or "the B#$% are gold diggers"....it irks me to no end(makes me cringe)& gets under my skin when people make blanket statements in general though.....then I start playing devils advocate(even if I agree with them)..just b/c they made a blanket statement-----go figure, one of my quirks...

Malek said...

Ok Brooke your response is a blog in itself....As for dating I think the best thing to do is to know what you will absolutely not compromise on and then step outside the box....I mean I went from dating a guy with a corporate job who wore suits, drove a sports car and had bank, but when he sent me a holiday card that he sends out to his customers, I said this is wack!!!!! Then I met a guy who was working at a pizza shop wearing t-shirts and jeans and from another country....Now we been together 11 years....and going strong.....

And be honest with each other....Don't say your single when you been married for 3 years.....Or how about this don't get married and then tell another woman or man that you've always loved them and should have married them instead....I mean really? Why did you get married in the first place......
that's another blog maybe.....I guess you just have to be honest about what you are looking for and be honest with the people you deal with.....All these stereotypes come from experiences were the person was lied to.....I mean come on we are grown ass adults...this ain't high school....be a man or woman and be kind to people they are after all human beings!!!!!!

Ok someone help me off my soap box....gotta go, report card day and parent teacher conference......

See you back late like usual......

Nicole

Brooke said...

Well, you have to be careful with making blanket statements because that means you're including yourself in the equation.

Also, you can't take your experiences and apply them to everyone. Like Katt Williams said, "a woman will say 'all men ain't sh*t.' No, what you really mean to say is all the men YOU DEAL WITH ain't sh*t! You need to figure out what it is about you that attracts "ain't sh*t n*&%$s"

LOL!

That's his comic way of saying look in the mirror.

Brooke said...

oops, my comment above was in response to Karen.

Yes, Nicole, I can be long-winded in my comments :) Sorry! But your comment was long too! LOL!!

Let me know how my baby's report card is!

Maliek Ball said...

phillygrl,

I am actually very big on not using blanket statements which is why I never said "all" in my blog. One of my biggest reasons for not using blankets statements is because I know I am someone that doesn't adhere to many stereotypes that a man, to be more specific, a Black man has.

For example: I'm too old to be playing games with women; I own a business so I don't have time to play games with women; I was raised by a single woman who instilled core values in me and I choose not to have children until I meet the right person, yet these are still values that the world believes many men don't have.

I actually dated a woman for a few weeks who pulled the "this is too good to be true so I know there must be something wrong" line on me. lol. Sometimes I work late, but I always spoke to her daily. I had to break one date because of a case that I was working on and she told me, "I know you must be seeing another woman." So we stopped talking because of that. It didn't matter how good the other 8 dates were or how much she said she couldn't wait to see me and me her. She threw it all away because, in her mind, she thought I was cheating.

Rene The Harlemite said...

okay, Harlem's in the building! Enough with this Philly Brothely/Sisterly Love! LOL

Maliek-Good Blog Doggie! And I did peep the Eagles reference. lol

Okay, both men and women have learn how to be vunerable...Even if you have been hurt you still have to have to be able to dothis is you want to have true love in your life.

The issue that comes up is that everyone one wants this and that but are willing to give %100 of themselves. But you want the other person to give that 100%. Is that fair. Everyone has been hurt at some point. And if you have not you probably open yourself fully for it to happen. We all have fears but you must control the fear and let it not control you. It is easier said than done but as you said Maliek it is work.

We all have to look past images and perceptions. Looking at someone because they have a a fat Ass or a benz is one thing, but if you are just solely looking at that being what you want a person in your life to have in order to date them than you need to check yourself.

At the end of the day people need to stop playing games...If the game s would stop you would get what you want in your life much quicker.

Also be open to what you want. If you have all of these walls up you are not opening up or letting people in to what you want.

I am out!

eyezaya said...

Maliek...Great blog fam. Brooke..whut it do babe..now, I love the Eagles(McNabb is that dude...)but GIANTS ALL DAY...(New York City!! ..in the mixtape voice). With that said. i agree with Annamaria, the game is truly focused on material things these days and as a result, relationships fail. Material Focused women/men..Sex Focused Men/women are investing in something that has no foundation for the long term and with time these things will surely fade away. I agree Malik that people have to remove stereotypes but they really need to keep standards. Dont settle for less than you deserve and on that note...know what you are worth. love thine self. Know thine self. You really gotta know what you want and what you deserve before you can engage a relationship with some sense of assurance. People dont get to know themselves and as a result cant grow because they dont want to deal with the own issues(inner wall). fix yourself so you can be a valuable partner to someone else. People really need to start investing in relationship building. Truly getting to know the person you are with and stop frontin. Dont get it twisted the financials are important...but money wont hold your hand when your in a hospital bed. LOVE will. So go forth and find love but remember love is what it does and your love for someone is only as great as your sacrifice for it. So before you move forward in a 'love' relationship you should probably ask yourself...am i willing to do what love requires? Am i willing to give of myself for someone else? Then ask yourself...should i be a GIANTS Fan since they are the best!lol.

Maliek Ball said...

eyezaya,

Very good response. "...am i willing to do what love requires?" That is a powerful statement.

BTW, I live about ten minutes from NYC and had worked in NYC for years. I looked deep within and asked myself if I could be a Giants fan...that answer was NO :)

Anonymous said...

My Dude Maliek is on point yall. When is the book coming out man.
I love this line below.
"Relationships take work. It isn’t a fairytale. You get out of it what you put in. You will get even less out of dating someone if you are barely putting anything in for that dating period to flourish".

Thanks for today's Blog.

Big D said...

The anonymous comment above was from Big D

Maliek Ball said...

Sha-Nay-Nay,

What's good dawg? You know the Giants reference was just for you. lol.

You and Annamaria both mentioned guys talking to women just because she has a fat ass. Man, I wish I had a dime for every time I heard a guy mention he wanted to holla at girl because she had a fat ass. The way I see it is, there better be a lot more to your attraction than that because 30 years from now, it is not your ass that I am going to kiss goodnight.

Ok, I have to run. Will talk to you all a little later.

Maliek Ball said...

Big D,

Thanks and the book will be in the works. Brooke and I already discussed this yesterday as we were going over the debut of my blog post. This is what I told her:

"I will have my people call your people and we will work out the monetary arrangements. A contract will be faxed to you in the morning. My agent is also contacting Oprah, David Letterman and Tyra so that I may piggyback my fame from this article into a TV role. When I land a movie role shortly after my TV deal, you will have a part in my movie."

Brooke, of course, demanded a larger movie role :)

Ok, I'm really out now.

Annamaria said...

OK you guys are HYSTERICAL.. And I have to point out as much as we complain about stereotypes we are all proving them wrong with this intellectual discussion had by some grown ass people! I'm loving it & I'm patting you all on the back!!! :) Carry on..

P.S. GOOOO GIANTS

Brooke said...

HEY! Brotherly Love and Sisterly Affection - all day everyday! I got your back Maliek, but I'm not going to be giving up my blogspots all willy nilly! I need a bigger role - or 15%, whichever floats your boat! LOL!

(you know I'm kidding....okay... maybe not) Ha!

Rene, Zay - Stop hating on Philly and my..I mean, OUR Eagles! I only root for the Giants when they play Dallas ;)

"am I willing to do what love requires?" LOVE THAT! A question we can all ask ourselves. Good one Zay!

And the whole fat ass thing or the driving a Benz thing...none of that builds or sustains relationships. When the looks fade and the differences begin to emerge, that is the opportunity for REAL love to manifest itself. Ruby Dee said, "The wedding is a fact; the marriage is a process, and it's ongoing."

She didn't mention anything about a car, money, or a fat ass. Relationships/marriage require the ongoing work of integrating two lives into a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts.

Dre Lew said...

Hello to the Blog Family!!!

Great subject ~ and comments too!!

So be it!!...meaning that there is going to a whole bunch of reasons that get's someones attentions ~ Phat Ass...dropped keys...cutie on the elevator, etc. So with that said, yes I agree that there has to be some substance to whatever the attraction. I think you date with your eyes and ears wide open. I would hope that we all give a person the benefit of the doubt ... caz sometime folks jump to the wrong conclusion and all for not. Understood on both sides of the fence you have the game players out there and you do take time to try to weed them out.

It's not a race ~ take your time and learn...about the person and yourself too!!! So true ~ you get out what you put in ~ not tic for tac, but being open minded(keep in mind~the older you get the more you get stuck in your ways), none judgemental and a good friend.

Peace & Love,

Dre



For the record...Eagles and Gaints are cool ~ but the Ravens Rule!!!

Brooke said...

Well look who it is! Dre Lew in da house! I guess it took all the football talk to bring you out of hiding! We missed you! Welcome back!

Dre Lew said...

Hi Brooke ~ Much luv for Girl1!!

Been reading all your blogs and comments ~ just working it out!!!

Thanks ~ Miss you and the crew.

ejackson said...

ummm...brooke; is this a blog within a blog??

LOL!!

Brooke said...

no, my comment was just long :) But alot of people seem to have long comments on this topic today - good subject!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe a good looking man such as yourself is having a hard time meeting someone. Well, I take that back. You said "getting to know" someone, totally different. It just goes to show that we all front on some level. That girl you speak of who thought you were too good to be true had personal issues. She doesn't think she's worthy of a man like you, which is why she lost you. It's sad, but alot of us have that belief where we feel we're not worthy. It's not until we change taht about ourselves that we will find happiness.

KP said...

Hey All! Please forgive me if this is a repeat of a latter comment as I got thru most of them but not all. My eyes can't hang like they used to... Meanwhile, mine is like another blog I guess. Sorry!

Anyway, Maliek, great and insightful blog. However, since so many people have developed these walls (I know mine are high), and all of those people are human, you must deduce that putting up walls to protect oneself is human too, right? With that being said, personally, I don't think the question is whether to bring them down for a stranger or force a stranger to bring them down for you on a first to third date, but to figure out how to make someone feel comfortable enough to do it on their own. We were all babies at one time. If you think about it, when new people go at a baby, more times than not, the baby starts screaming. But if you sit back, relax, and stay friendly to everyone else in their presence, their curiosity gets piqued and they generally make their way over to you. They "warm up" to you.

Many of us still have that baby mentality (and I don't think it's a bad thing) where if someone respects our space and allows us to warm up to them, the "walls" slide down without any conscious effort at it. The problem that I've encountered and heard of is that everyone wants that comfortability on second 1 of day 1. They say patience is a virtue. And though no one should have to wait months on end for someone to warm up (if it takes that long, then the person waiting is either a fool, desperate, obsessed, or a bit of all of the above. ;-) ) But leading by example, i.e. relaxing and sharing (not gushing everything at once) generally goes a long way to helping a person with walls want to push out beyond them rather than knock them down.

Just my thoughts...

oxtail said...

Brooke, seems like relationships is the hot topic. As you know I posted this blog last month. Here is the link:
Why are our relationships so disastrous? (The human cost of ignorance)
http://www.whyihatethejoneses.com/2008/11/why-are-our-relationships-so-disastrous/

Of course I can't sum up the whole blog in this comment (Just read the blog), but I'll try for those who don't want to read it, (It's very long, but there is a print version on the site).

Basically I think the problem is we (human beings) are very selfish and narcissistic. Too many times we let our love and potential to be with someone get corrupted by the superficial, trivial matters, and in some instances cultural backwardness.

There is no magic bullet to any relationship, but you need to learn more about yourself and how your behavior impacts others, than approaching a relationship with the "What can he or she do for me" attitude.

In my view there are dysfunctional norms that have become the new norms, and no one is willing to walk away from these things. My top things that I see as disasters for most relationships:
- Self hate
- Believing that what is on television, what you hear on the radio, and entertainment magazines about relationships is the truth
- Being too picky
- Being arrogant about what you bring to the relationship
- Lack of Humility
- Following pagan traditions that whole absolutely no significance in bring about love in the relationship, but we do it anyway because society says so
- Financial ignorance. Not understanding the difference between looking like you have a lot of money and true wealth

I have more to say but you can get the rest from the blog

Abdul Malik

Maliek Ball said...

@ KP

I definitely get where you are coming from but I think you are coming from a perspective where a man and woman are already like-minded with where they are in their dating lives. Then you can take the time and patience to get to know one another and enjoy each others company. I think it is a whole different situation when you have these pre-conceived notions about the opposite sex and carry them with you on your date. It has basically failed before it started.

@ oxtail

I will read your blog a little later tonight. You have outlined some very good points. I mentioned earlier that I tried to keep this blog on the shorter side as to not lose my audience and I would have liked to discuss the way the media influences the way some of us look at relationships. I am very glad that you brought that point to light and other very valid points to the forefront.

Brooke said...

Abdul Malik,

I read your blog, it was very informative and a good read. I was going to ask if I could post parts of it on future blogs but wanted to get your opinion first. You're right, everyone always seems to have an opinion about relationships. Let me know, maybe you can be a guest blogger for me sometime too!

And yes Rene, you will be next to guest blog (he was hating Maliek!)

oxtail said...

By all means, post and share as needed throughout your blog and anywhere else. You know I would be honored to be a guest blogger. (you know I like to talk n' stuff) lol.

I think if we can all be honest and unbiased with each other on the rules of how we build relationships many of us would not have so many problems. One thing that people forget is entertainment is a business. They are in the business to cater to your desires and passions. They are not primarily concerned if you get a positive outcome or not with their flawed, and often misleading advice they give. Although I'm 32 I feel like my experiences is that of a 60 year old. I've talked to the older heads all my life, soaking up wisdom from the best of them and I really tried to explain the relationship game as best I could without siding with one gender.

Ms. Princess said...

Maliek, the 5-foot Freak (uh-oh Tribe)! I'm feeling your blog this here afternoon sir. You got a male-guru-talkshow-host-speak-to-the-people-vibe happening. You're like Pope-rah. You gonna have a blog about your fav things and send all the commenters muffin baskets and Pontiacs? I told Brooke-lyn you're kinda looking like the hood's "the Thinker" in your pic, but I DIGS IT!!
Anywho, I don't think we intentionally put up walls. To piggyback your thought, if you decide to be a contestant in the dating game, unfortunately, sometimes you lose. You get your heart stomped or maybe you've witnessed a relationship go sour. Naturally, your guard goes up - that's an innate defense mechanism. Right after I'd broken up with my ex, I know I'd written off almost every male that even looked like he was trying to fix his mouth to ask me for a date:
Princess: "You are a despicable man. You're probably married with 3 kids and a house in Bridgeport. How dare you try to talk to me. Get the hell away from me!"
Gentleman: "Uh ma'am, I was just going to ask if you had change for a dollar so I could get on the bus."

Us women are a little more emotionally fragile, especially when we have this fairytale-knight-in-shining-armor-rescues-me ideal embedded into the cortex of our brains as fetuses (feti, sp??). Forgive us brothas! But when we've been hurt, it's hard to build that wall of trusting a man back up. I'm not saying it's right, please don't misconstrue what I'm saying. However, it happens. If the woman isn't willing to open up, let her guard down and get to know you without any preconceived notions, then move on. Just feel for her because you know she missed out on a good brotha. And that's all I have to say about that - albeit a little late but better than never Brooke-lyn. Spread love my people!

Brooke said...

Pranny, I hear you. And I think both men and women do it, but like you said, women may be a little more emotionally fragile. I know I can speak from experience when I've had my heart broken and written EVERY man off and decided to just be by myself. But then some cute cable guy comes around and I can't help myself! (wait, did I just say that?)

Anyway, it's just a matter of giving yourself time to heal and to repair the damage before you jump back in. It's difficult not to build walls and get hardened to love, but you're right, for some it's an innate reaction that we have to learn to undo.

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