Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Drier than the Sahara

Happy Tuesday!

Can I just say....I love Barack Obama! Watching him sign the health reform bill this morning was amazing. Congrats to him! Congrats to us all!

Now...can I ALSO just say I hate when fools ring my phone at 3 and 4 am. I'm tired as hell today because someone decided it would be a good idea to see if I was awake at that hour. He will get the cuss out later today.

Why do men do that? Why do women do that? Unless I've given you the firm "go-ahead" on calling during booty call hours, don't do it. It's not cute, and it'll guarantee that you'll never get any. EVER.

Nothing dries me up faster than an inconsiderate man. My phone ringing in the wee hours of the morning tells me that he was only thinking of himself and what he wanted...whether that was simply to talk, to see if I'd be up for a visit, whatever. There was no consideration as to if I was asleep, if I had to wake up early for an early meeting at work (which I did) or if I would even entertain a conversation with him. This is someone I've had no previous "nookie" relationship with, so how in the hell would he think he could call during "nookie" hours?

Baffling. And rude.

I've known plenty of men who had the potential to get it, only to do or say something stupid to ensure that they will never, ever see it or smell it. Most times, all they have to do is play it cool, try not to say anything too crazy, and be patient...and chances are the woman will come around and break you off a lil somethin. But nooooo....y'all wanna jolt someone out their sleep and then make them cuss you out for it. Stop the madness.

While I'm on a rant, here are some other things that dry me up:

- Worse than an inconsiderate man is a desperate one. Don't ask me on our first date when you can hit it, or try to bed me too soon. Over-eager and over-anxious is not sexy. At all.

- Dirty fingernails, funky underarms and bad breath. Please bathe and brush your teeth.

- Loud, attention seeking men. Okay dude, I see you...bring it down a notch. I don't need to hear King Lion roaring all the time trying to get my attention. Be a bit more creative than just being loud for no damn good reason.

- "Pants on the ground, pants on the ground...you looking like a fool with your pants on the ground!" Pull your pants up, you're over 30 for goodness sakes! Grow up.

- Wack conversation/Idiot men. Nothing is "un-sexier" than a man who can't "conversate." And yes, if you say, "can we conversate?" - I'm done talking. Ignorance is a total turn-off.

- A bad kisser. If you can't kiss....if you wet my whole face up, bite my lips to the point where they're red and swollen, or peck at me like a bird, then the va-jay-jay will dry up like the Sahara. Trust.

- Wack sex. You only get ONE time to cum before I do. Do it more than once, and it's a wrap.

- No oral skills. If you don't like it down there, then don't go down there. I'd rather you just stayed away from Miss Kitty than pretend to know what you're doing. It'll just piss me off.

- Bitchassness. Nuff said.

Ladies, tell me what dries you up. Fellas, tell me what makes you...uh...limp...I guess? :-)

Go!

-b

62 comments:

Latinegro said...

First BITCHES

Annamaria said...

I JUST CHOKED ON A SNICKERS BAR READING THIS SHIT... LMAO
HYSTERICAL...
WANNA BORROW MY TASER SO YOU CAN TASE HIS ASS???

Stef said...

Dammit Latinegro!

oh, and I see you came out of hiding for Brooke's blog? I thougnt you said on your blog that you were going on a hiatus? :) Yes, I read your blog too after I read Brooke's :)

We missed you!

Jaz said...

LMAO!! This was hilarious!

And you are so right on ALL accounts! Bad kissing, no oral skills, body odor! Check, check and Check!! Total turnoffs.

I'd like to add "mama's boys" to that list, as well as broke ass, cheap ass men. You don't have to be rich, but a man who can't take care of himself is totally wack and he will NEVER get any!

Latinegro said...

Well...Brooke does remind me that she comments on my blog so I try to return the favor.

Annamaria...I have spot for you to aim your taser..lol :p

Thank you Stef. I find myself busier by the day. But I am figuring today's responses are going to be a riot..

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately the word conversate is now a part of the english vernacular

Main Entry: con·ver·sate
Pronunciation: \ˈkän-vər-ˌsāt\
Function: intransitive verb
Inflected Form(s): con·ver·sat·ed; con·ver·sat·ing
Etymology: back-formation from conversation
Date: 1973


: converse 2a

Floyd

Jay said...

Damn B! Mad much? LOL!

But I hear you though, I'd be pissed too if someone woke me up at that hour...unless that someone was YOU of course ;)

What makes ME go limp?

1. Stupid women.
2. Dirty women...some of y'all don't bathe either.
3. Loud, obnoxious women. Ghetto women.
4. Women who talk too damn much. I like to get a word in too you know.
5. Nagging women. Either ask me to do something, or tell me how...but not both.
6. Excessive makeup, weaves and fakeness (breasts, etc.) Shows you're insecure.
7. Insecurity.
8. No oral skills. Please, no teeth. My shit will go limp in record time.
9. Pretty woman and wack sex. Such a waste.
10. Non-nurturing women.

Monica said...

good one Brooke!

turn offs - dudes who honk their car horns at you while you are crossing the street or motion for you to come over just b/c they are driving a nice car. Yeah I'll be right over...NOT!

ArrElle said...

Wow great comments!!! Now it's time to get some ish off my chest.

Everything Brooke have said now you can add my pet peeves to the existing list:

-Broke azz men, who drive around in expensive cars with rims crying broke but want a woman who will be wifey (cook, clean, give up azz, give head, put up with bs, etc) and for what??? So he can get as much as he can from you without trying to court you in return?? I can't stand dudes who don't know their priorities...tsk tsk

-Mama's boys (I know already on the list)

-Dude who constantly complains and ain't even trying to make any attempts to change his situation

-Dudes who drive around with the nice cars w/rims and expect for you to kiss their behinds!!!! NOT

-Greedy dudes who already have a significant other but trying to holla at you, wanting you to lower your standards to meet their greedy needs!!!!

@AnnaMarie can you please let me borrow your taser for one week, I promise I'll give it back to you?????? LOL

-Men who are not into oral sex, as Brooke stated leave Miss Kitty alone!!!!!!!!!!!

-Pull your dayum pants up!!

-Inconsiderate

Rameer The Circumstance said...

I was gonna post a list, but Jigga's list is pretty much EXACTLY what I would've typed. Well done.

And @ Jaz - you should be more specific when you say "Mama's Boys". I hear women cry about Mama's Boys", yet there are a TON of great men who are such. Barack Obama has called himself such in the past, as did Will Smith, Lenny Kravitz, Tupac Shakur, Bill Clinton and Don Cheadle.

I identify myself as such, and most women I know who use that label tend to say "oh, but I don't MEAN a Mama's Boy like YOU..." - and then they list the reasons why they made that general statement.

A Mama's Boy who isn't all up under his mother and allowing her to be intrusive into his life and decision-making shouldn't be a bad thing. Considering how many Black and Latino men are raised by good women, MOST modern-day men - good or bad - are probably Mama's Boys in SOME capacity. That is, if they don't subconsciously hate women as a result of being raised poorly by a mother.

Jaz said...

When I say mama's boys, I mean the ones who can't do anything without their mama's approval. They live with her, she still washes his damn clothes and pays his bills. And is all up in him and his girl's business. And who wants you to treat him like his mother does rather than as a partner.

I love men who have great relatinships with thier mothers, who respect her and all women. I'm not talking about men who were raised right by strong women so that they can be a MAN as an adult. I'm talking about men like Baby Boy who have a hard time growing up and leaving the nest, who think making babies means they're a real man...not taking care of his responsibilities.

Rameer The Circumstance said...

LMAO - Baby Boy is A GREAT example of what you're talking about, then.

I figured you meant a specific type...that's why I wanted you to specify. Thanks!

Georgia Peach said...

MY FAVORITE BLOG POST EVER BROOKE! LOVE IT. :)

Craig n 'em said...

BROOKE!!! Nothing dries you up faster than an inconsiderate man? Well nothing gets me harder than a greedy ass woman!!!

You talkin' bout what makes you DRY???? Well, lemme tell you what makes a man go SOFT...

Um..NOTHING...We're pervs...

Dirty fingernails, funky underarms and bad breath...
RESPONSE: As Martin would say in Boomerang "You aint fuckin her nails and pit" We'd just hit it from the back to avoid heavy breathing and be turned off AFTER! I won't lie...I've had sex while pinching my nose...I see it as "Fear Factor Sex"...

Loud, attention seeking women...
RESPONSE: Thats who we gravitate to first because we think we have the best chance of hitting it. Couple drinks and its on!

Pants on the ground...
RESPONSE: Yes, please...

Wack coversation/Idiot women
RESPONSE: Wack convo (We don't care) I'm interested in BODY LANGUAGE not ENGLISH...Idiot women (Yes, please...)

A bad kisser
RESPONSE: Hmmm, let's see...Too much spit, biting and pecking??? That's a prerequisite for something down low...(Hence, PANTS ON THE GROUND)

No Oral Skills
RESPONSE: Practice, Practice, Practice
SIdeNote: No man wants a woman who has A.I.'s attitude towards "Practice"...You WILL get cut from my team...

Stephanie said...

hahahahahahaha, OMG, Brooke, thank you I needed a good laugh today.
Since I missed yesterday's blog, Congrats to Annamaria N Austin on their engagement.
I hate dudes who do this, or the one pant leg up and one down, WTF!!!
-1. "Pants on the ground, pants on the ground...you looking like a fool with your pants on the ground!" Pull your pants up, you're over 30 for goodness sakes! Grow up.
2.men who sniff coke, I don't play that ISH.
3.Men who let their mothers control them.
4.People who lie about nothing.
5.People who keep a dirty home. I don't understand wearing designer clothing and breaking your bank for a $400 bag when your home is a hot mess.

ArrElle said...

-How about when the man's monthly car note cost more than his rent

-Mama's Boy "already stated by Jaz"

-Men who smoke cigerettes, cigars, weed and do drugs!!!!!

-Men with no ambition whatsoever!!!

-Men who don't know how to treat a lady!!

Latinegro said...

Well here is my list.

- Women who smoke too much (you may have oral fetish, but that aint cute)
- Bad Teeth (I dont want accidental bite marks)
- Messed up Toes (I am not having those things hanging from my shoulders)

sadly enough that is all i could think of...lol

Annamaria said...

@ArrElle: Yes you can borrow my taser. Just return it when you done!

@Stephanie: THANK YA! :)

Stef said...

I'm convinced, Craig is a fool! LOL!

And I agree, most men don't have a list like Jay or Rameer do. They'll screw anything! LOL!

Men who sniff coke Stephanie?? You know men who do that? I feel like that's something only celebrities do. I don't know any "regular" people who sniff coke. Wow.

But cigarette and weed smokers are a definite turn-off.

Yolanda said...

Craig,

You stupid!

DMoe said...

LOL @ B's list.

The sad thing is for all the lists presented today on this blog, these people walk amongst us.

Since we're calling out the items,
if you want DMoe's soldier to stand "at ease" try these:

1. Be inconsiderate: Try thinking of how someone else feels. Period.

2. Lack of oral skill. Its 2010, google it.

3. Desire to give oral pleasure. What do you mean, YOU dont want to? LOL. What man enjoys the taste of punani? We get off on what gets YOU off. Join the club chica.

4. Be nagging: The funny thing is, this is the kind of word that will NEVER be admitted to. If she's a nag, she'll never really GET that she's a nag. Prepare for battle.

5. Be a jealous chick: If I act like a jealous dude, I look like a clown in the face of other dudes and pretty much everyone.
The same goes for you crazy lady.

6. Be wack in the sack: I wont assume we're gonna get down, but if we do, don't just blame me for the sparks your hips can't provide. I'll dance to your rhythm, and I'll even DJ the party, but if you got no rhythm to begin with, we're all screwed.

Other than that, everybody hit the other things on the head. As for my species and our faux pas, C'mon son! Common sense is your rule and guide. If you callin a chick to "shoot the breeze" at 3am, you gotta be on the list, and if your on the list, there's still a VIP/velvet rope in front of a call and a text at a certain hour. Membership has its privileges.

Stay thirsty.
DMoe

Brooke said...

oh...and I'd like to add:

Don't jab me down there with fingers and don't bite my nipples. Not into pain either.

And please don't take my hand and put it down there so I can feel what you're working with. I'd rather you just showed it to me so I can inspect it properly.

And no DMoe, he isn't on the list.

The Cable Guy said...

Can I get on the list? :-)

Stef said...

LMAO! LMAO! LMAO!!!

Brooke! YOU ARE SO ON POINT TODAY!

Why do men DO THAT?? They take your hand and shove it down their pants! WHY??? So we can feel how hard you are? We'll feel how hard you are when you stick it in IDIOT! I hate that!

Brooke said...

@Cable Guy,

You don't ask to be on the list, you just either are or you're not and you just know if you are. If you have to ask.....

it takes alot to get on that list. Right now, only like...my mother and sister are on that list. Otherwise, you better be on fire if you call me at that hour.

Brooke said...

and if you are on fire, there's nothing I can do from the phone anyway!

Call someone else...like the fire department :)

The Cable Guy said...

Damn B! It's like dat?? Don't take out your frustrations with ole boy on ME! LOL!!

At least I asked! He just called you! LOL!!

Jay said...

you mean women don't like it when we shove your hand down our pants? ;-)

LOL!

Brooke said...

Cable Guy,

Not taking out my frustrations on you, but what could you possibly be calling me for at that hour that you'd want to be on the list? Like I said, somebody better be dying if you're calling me at 3am. Not "just because I wanted to say hi."

Annamaria said...

Seriously Brooke you have me DYING over here today... I'm at my desk laughing out loud... The next time Sophia wakes up at 3 am (thank god that's rare these days) I am going to call you just to chat & say what's up! lol

Brooke said...

I won't hear the phone Annamaria, I'v learned my lesson. Phone will be buried in my purse at 3am from now on!

But if you let her coo on the phone, I'll forgive you :) You know I love little Sophia, with her crawling self! :)

Ms. Penn said...

I cosign this list, and can I add men with jacked up teeth? How you gonna have a nice ride, nice clothes, and have messed up teeth?

I wanna read Fury's list :)

Mr. Nice Guy said...

Hey everyone!

I've been lurking behind the scenes, but I've been here.

I agree with Jay's list. But nothing will make me go soft faster than a woman who says she doesn't do oral. Like Chris Rock said, "they still make you??"

If I do it, then you can do it. And Dmoe, I like the taste of it! LOL!

Brooke said...

I'm with you on the yuck mouf Ms. Penn. Nothing is worse than a brotha who's never been to the dentist in his life. Like he's been chewing on bricks or something. And if they're yellow and caked up with plaque, I might hurl on you...jus a lil bit.

Jaz said...

Brooke, you are on a roll today! I think I agree with Georgia Peach, this has to be one of your funniest blogs ever!

DMoe said...

Yeah, I'm with ya'll on that.

If a chick can bite a biscuit and make waffles, that's a problem.

D

Brooke said...

LMAO! "and make waffles"? LOL!!

Stef said...

LOL!! DMoe, you stupid! LOL!

The Fury said...

I think it's all been said. Combine Brooke's list with Jay's list and that looks like my list. That cleanliness thing is def on top of my list. One thing about insecurity, I can tell you every one is insecure about something, but please don't let that ish collide with our relationship.

Now...I can add some sexual stuff to this list...

1) Don't be a dead fish in bed, just laying there. If I turn the lights off and don't know you're there...you're BORING!

2) It's called a blowjob, but it's really a suckjob with some hand coordination. It's not called an "ice cream cone job" for a reason. Ladies, imagine a man lapping at your kitty like a dog...not so much, huh.

3) Teeth...if I feel like you're peeling me with a razor. You WILL get the shoulder nudge. Ask Brookey, how to do the banana down the throat thing she told us about

4) Doggystyle doesn't mean you do nothing. Somebody cue Juvenile in this piece...BACK THAT THANG UP!

5) Manicure...I don't go around licking and sucking rugs for a reason.

6) Don't hold back and then tell me later what you could've done. That and a Metrocard can get me to a museum where they keep the women that lost their men to the chick that did it.

Stef said...

Okay, why when I read "manicure" I thought Fury meant fingers. LOL! I was likd "I don't get it?" LMAO!

yes, I'm slow today.

And ummm, Brookey, what is this banana thing he's talking about?

Stef said...

oh, and we already know I don't wanna do doggystyle anymore, might get my head stuck again :(

I have nightmares.

Ms. Penn said...

I knew Fury wouldn't disappoint! And he's right, it IS a suck job, not a blow job. Never understood why they called it that.

Jay said...

Banana down the throat? Explain!

The Fury said...

ummmm..hmm was that TMI? I'm sure Brookey talked about that on the blog. Maybe it was a funny side story she told me. If it was...save that one Brooke! LOL

@Stef - we're gonna go right ahead and get you a bed without slats...or bend you over a desk or something. Ok, darling?

and yeah while we're talking about manicures. I don't like when women have man nails. Don't have them all bitten down to the quick. But the other manicure is more along my concerns

Brooke said...

It was a bachelorette party game. You stick a peeled banana as far down your throat as possible and then slowly pull it back out without breaking or bending it. If you touch it with your teeth, chances are it'll break.

I won that game ;-)

The Fury said...

@MsPenn - Thanks. I always appreciate when the ladies know the ins and outs of a good suck job (pun intended)

Stef said...

uh no, Brooke, you NEVER talked about that on the blog! Not that I can recall anyway! What kind of conversations do you and Fury be having!? Better be careful before he writes a steamy story about you! LOL!

Now that's talent! I'm gonna go home and try it! LOL!

The Fury said...

@Brooke - I don't think you ever took me up on the fruit basket offer... ;-)

Jay said...

I think I'm in love FOR REAL now. Whew! I have to see that in person!

The Cable Guy said...

oh shit! I don't recall that story either! Banana down the throat and back out again?! Lawd!

Why does Fury know this and we don't???

Jaz said...

Let us find out Brooke and Fury be having sexy convos! What the hell!? I'm afraid to try that!

Brooke said...

ooops, did I not share that story before on the blog? My bad :)

I don't think it's as entertaining as Stef's headboard story though :)

The trick is to remember to breathe. Otherwise, you might gag and your eyes will start watering :)

...not that I'm an expert or anything... ;-)

The Fury said...

@Jaz - she actually said it (or wrote it) exactly how she did here. Not sure it was a sexy convo...but it did get me aroused...

It's a banana. you can pull it out if you go too far. then again, same goes for...

Sorry Brooke. All that dry like Sahara talk. I figure we need some wet like rainforest to end the work day. Powerz is probably still collecting from that outstanding proposal.

The Cable Guy said...

Ooops my ass! Again I ask, how does Fury know this and we don't!?

Stef said...

You sound like an expert to me dammit! I've never played any games like that at any bachelorette party I'VE ever been to! the hell??

The Fury said...

@The Cable Guy - Citizen, you have got to read what I said. Convo on the blog or in an email. I wasn't the banana and if I were...

I'd never tellllllll. LOL

Brooke said...

I think I might have told Fury that on the phone, because I don't recall ever typing that story out :)

We also played a game where you had to take the wrapper off a Now 'N Later using only your tongue. I came in a second behind the winner. Good with my mouth apparently :)

Jay said...

Brooke honey, you have GOT to stop with all this mouth talk. You already got some sexy ass lips, I don't need this right now!

Stef said...

As Brooke would say, I'm getting a bit "tingly" my damn self! LOL!

Stef said...

I'm just now seeing Fury say I need to be bent over a desk (all this banana talk got me distracted). I think I might try it again so long as there is no bed around! LOL!

DMoe said...

I remember the "bachelorette party contest" convo - (who could forget?)

lol. jus sayin...it was a while back, but was filed in my mental rolodex.

Picture DMoe bobbin his head to some Akinyele right....about....now!

haha.
D

The Cable Guy said...

Where the hell was I? You mean DMoe knows about the banana too??

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