Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I know I wrote a blog about jumpoffs, f*ck buddies and friends with benefits before.
I know this.
But it seems the question of "the rules" keeps coming up between my girlfriends and I on this subject...so I figured I'd revisit the topic to make some things absolutely clear.
Now, I'm not saying I know ALL the rules, or that they're the same for every person - but I think it's safe to assume there are a few standards when it comes to casual sex.
A friend of mine who recently broke up with a guy after a year and a half of dating asked me if and when it's okay to have a jumpoff, and how to go about getting one. Usually, these things "just happen" - but if you have your heart set on finding one, then may I suggest a few things....?
1. First - make sure you're a "jumpoff" type of person. By that I mean you're able to handle a casual sex relationship - no strings attached. Some of us are built that way. Others...not so much. Now normally I wouldn't advise my friends to seek out a f*ck buddy, and I don't think most of my friends are the casual sex types. But I DO think there are times in a person's life where a jumpoff comes in handy. After a breakup (especially a bad one) is one of those times.
Usually after a breakup, you want to be alone mentally, but not physically - and that's okay, so long as you're honest about what it is. But if you're the type to fall quickly, or have post nooky guilt, then maybe you're not emotionally ready to handle a strictly sexual scenario. If you expect your phone to ring after a hookup because you want him to think you're the shiznit, then you're not ready to have or BE a jumpoff. Usually jumpoffs don't care what the other person thinks of them.
2. Pick the right person as your jumpoff. Many times people make the mistake of hooking up with people they actually like. You know...that guy at the gym you've been pining over. Your coworker. That "friend" you've been keeping in your back pocket til you get drunk one day and cross that line.
Don't do it. Either you like the guy or not. And if he's not feeling YOU like that, don't settle for no-strings sex as a consolation prize. You'll just be setting yourself up for heartache later - and you'll play yourself.
Choose someone who you're attracted to enough to have sex with, but who you don't wanna be seen in public with. You know...the dude with all the muscles, but who has no damn sense whatsoever and can't put two sentences together. Or that guy who did a stint in jail for selling drugs. He's cute, but has no job...THAT dude. You know where I'm going with this.
Now I'm not saying he should be a total stranger either. You have to know him a little bit, and you must be safe as well. Hard to get your rocks off if you're fearing for you life. You should know him just enough to be excited to see him, but not enough to the point where you're not equally excited to see him LEAVE...and not call you for a few weeks.
3. Be safe. If you're grown enough to have a jumpoff, you're grown enough to be smart about it. You don't wanna catch anything and you damn sure don't wanna have the jumpoff's baby. Keep condoms handy...men AND women. Jus sayin.
4. Don't catch feelings. Sex is an intimate act, so there's a chance emotions may become involved. If this happens, be honest about it and either 1) cut off contact til you get your head right or 2) be honest about it to your partner and see if he feels the same way. Chances are he doesn't, because how you begin a relationship, especially a sexual one, usually determines how it'll proceed...and ultimately end. But hey, stranger things have happened. I don't personally know any couples who have gone on to live happily ever after after starting off as f*ck buddies - but hey, you never know! Don't get your hopes up though.
It's easy to get caught up in situations like this if you're spending a lot of time shagging your jumpoff. You start wondering what it would be like holding hands and actually going out on dates and whatnot.
Stop it and wake the hell up!
Your ass is probably turned out and you're addicted to the sex and it's got you thinking all kinds of crazy. Take a step back and really examine what's going on. If you still feel like there's potential there for a relationship, then tell him how you feel...delicately. He might be confused since you started off with the understanding that you'd be fine just hittin' it. But if he feels the same way, then see how it goes. Just be careful...and take a chance. You have nothing really to lose, and a lot to gain. Good luck with that.
Did I leave anything out? Let me know!