Monday, April 19, 2010
Happy Monday mi gente!
Today marks 2 months since Serena's beloved mother passed away. She's my guest blogger today - send prayers and love as she shares with us.
Moving Forward...by Serena Wills
Can I live without her? How do I start the healing process? Now what, Mom? Show me what to do.
These were all thoughts that crossed my mind as my mother took her last breath. It's been two months since my mother, Marguerite Sauti Wills passed away due to complications of Ovarian Cancer at the tender age of 60.
Only for 2 seconds did I not think I could do this life without her. Then I quickly discovered that I have to. There's a lot of unfinished business on my end, and who are we as humans to take our own lives when someone or something dies? We're no one. Moving forward after months of travel, talking to doctors, nurses, rehabs, etc. - my life as well as my families' shifted.
Think of it metaphorically. A ship puts its sails up, and instead of going north, the winds whip through and shift the ship east. You don't want to go east but you can't fight the wind.
In my case, I wanted Mom to be here - talking to me on the phone, cracking jokes... like old times sake. But God saw it differently and took her away.
I wanted to write this blog because I felt that there are some people on here that wanted to go in one direction, but instead you're being forced to go another. Maybe it's a job, and instead of you getting that promotion and moving up the ladder, someone else got the position and you feel stuck.
Or maybe it's that man or woman that you're trying to make amends with, trying to pull together a broken relationship - but instead you break up and don't even have a friendship afterwards.
Numerous people are forced to move forward - as Biggie's cd was titled, "Life After Death." That's what I'm learning as I go through various steps that will hopefully lead to healing.
There are a few things I want to point out before I go that I've noticed that happens when a natural shift occurs, even as tragic as mine.
#1. "Beware of blaming yourself." It's so easy to point the finger at yourself asking, "What could I have done differently?" "Maybe one more opinion could have healed her." "What did I do to make him/her leave me?"
#2. "Denial is real, but in some instances okay." I have picked up the phone to dial Mom and then forgot, she's not there. That's natural, as we had a daily routine. What isn't natural is to straight act as if nothing happened. Some don't know how to cry, shout, or scream. They hold on until they snap. Once you snap you may not be yourself ever again. I have a friend I've been praying for and she snapped a few times. She won't let go of the past and walks around as if nothing happened.
#3. "Haters are alive and well in this devastating time." They are even more upfront when they can't fathom how you're strong. They will try to knock you down because you're at your lowest point. Like my fave rapper said, "Can't Knock the Hustle" and "Kick that Dirt Off Your Shoulders." Watch your back because they are out there.
#4. "Cleansing your soul is amazing!" It's okay to cry, let go and get it out. Cleansing also is remembering the great times, and in my case, holding onto those memories. In a relationship that's gone awry, it's nice to reminisce - but don't do MJB and keep "reminiscing on the love you had." In that case, you have to pack that baggage up as He has something greater.
#5. "Listen." Mom told me a lot in her last 6 months. When I shared my fears the day she passed, especially about having kids and being married one day, she said, "You'll be better than me...you'll be a great Mom."
That compliment will always stick with me coming from a woman that adopted two medically challenged children. It's an internal affirmation.
So think back to when your life switched gears when you didn't want it to - and remember no matter how horrid, hard, or dark it may seem, that there is something in store for you.
Your pathway might have turned...twisted...and you might have come to a crossroads. But, the road didn't end. Learn from it - and as much as it hurts to walk without that person physically, just know you can make it. If you're like me and lost the person to death, then your stride will change - because now...you have a partner walking with you always. Mom is always with me, and when I feel her presence I welcome her in and onto my path.
May peace be with each of you.
Please donate to my friend Susan Grassi's fundraising page in memory of my Mom - Marguerite Wills - and to help create a cancer free world at http://pages.teamintraining.org/nyc/rnr10/sgrassi