Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Happy Hump Day!
Speaking of humping, today's "Dear Brookey" question is right on time.
I can't believe I'm writing to a stranger about this, but I like the advice you and your readers give on your blog...so here goes. I am in a relationship with a great guy. I think we have a wonderful relationship and I'm insanely attracted to him. We have a healthy sexual appetite for each other...I think...but one thing really bothers me. He doesn't have an orgasm every time we have sex. While I do...multiple times actually...we can have sex for weeks without him having an orgasm. I'm not saying he NEVER cums, but there can be stretches of time where he doesn't. I worry that I'm not pleasing him, even though he says he's extremely attracted to me and that I please him. So what is the problem?? Is it possible that he's cheating on me, therefore can't get off all the time? I feel inadequate now, and it's affecting my ability to enjoy MYSELF when we have sex because I find that I'm only focused on trying to make HIM climax. After I climax, it's over. He's very affectionate and cuddly afterwards, and even seems relaxed and pleased, but I want him to bust! Am I trippin?
Hmm.....this is a good one. Maybe the men can chime in on this topic for me.
First let me say, there are MANY reasons why a man can't or won't climax EVERY time during sex. It could be stress. It could be that he's tired. It could be issues with his health - such as heart disease or diabetes. It could be that a man is having emotional issues, such as anxiety. And it could also be that he IS having sex with someone else, although in your situation, I don't think that's the case. The reasons are endless.
However, just because a man or a woman doesn't climax, it doesn't mean that the sex was wack or that you're not being pleased. I've read that 12% of women have never had an orgasm, but still enjoy sex nonetheless. Women feel that sexual appetite, libido, sex drive - whatever you want to call it - is higher in men because they have more testosterone than we do. And for the most part, this can be true. But appetite or desire doesn't necessarily translate into orgasm every single time. And since you said he does have orgasms, just not ALL THE TIME, I wouldn't worry.
Only you know if your man is trustworthy, so you would probably instinctively know if he was stepping out on you or not. But if he tells you that he's attracted to you, is pleased by you, is affectionately intimate with you, and has given you no reason to distrust him - I'd take him at his word. Stop stressing over it, because you'll just make HIM stress over it and then he REALLY probably won't be able to climax...or want to have sex at all. And you won't enjoy sex anymore either. If he enjoys pleasing you, then let him!
I know it can be a blow to the ego to feel like you're not pleasing your man (or woman) - I totally understand that. Perhaps you can try to give him a massage first, or take a long, hot bath together to relax you both. Chances are if the reason he can't cum is because he's stressed, this'll help alleviate that. Or if he's tired, take a nap and then wake up and jump his bones! See if that works :-) If you suspect health issues are the reason he can't or won't cum all the time, make him a doctor's appointment. And if you suspect he's having sex with someone else, then just ask him...or trust your gut and bounce. Again, I don't think he is, but he's YOUR man. You know.
If you feel that nothing is wrong in the relationship and you have a great guy, then let it go. Sex doesn't have to end in orgasm for both partners all the time, and as long as you both enjoy it, that's all that matters.
Anyone else feel differently? Let's hear it!