Wednesday, December 16, 2009
What's crackalackin peoples!?
So...I checked my inbox today on FB, and I received a random "Dear Brooke" email from a woman I don't even know. I guess that's what happens when you accept every friend request that comes through - hey, I'm a friendly person...what can I say :-)
She seems like a cool person though, so I asked her if I could make her question my blog topic for today - and she said yes...so here goes!
You don't know who I am even though you accepted my friend request. I follow your blog daily and think you give pretty good advice and have a sensible head on your shoulders, so I wanted to pose a question to you. I really like this guy I recently met. We get along great, he's funny and he's smart - but more in a "street-smart" sort of way. The only problem is, my friends don't think I should "date down." He works for UPS, has a high school diploma, but has never been to college - (I have 2 degrees from UPenn). He doesn't "dress" the way other guys I have dated dress (conservatively or stylishly) and he doesn't like plays, art, poetry or anything "cultured." (Their words, not mine) I love all those things, but it doesn't bother me that he isn't into any of them. He listens to rap music, plays video games and uses a lot of slang. But at the end of the day, he treats me well, we have a good time, he's never been married and he has no children. He's never been to jail, he works hard and I feel safe with him. He loves his family, and has a good heart. My friends don't think he would "fit in" with my group of friends, and they feel that I'm settling and that I can do better. What should I do?
I think the answer is pretty simple - do what makes you happy and tell your "friends" to back off. That's the easy answer...but may not be easy to do.
I suspect you're asking me what to do because you care about what your friends think, and subconsciously you may be having some reservations yourself. I'm not sure what you have in common, but I'm sure you had to at least think about the things that you DON'T have in common. If it truly doesn't bother you that you're not into the same things - and it doesn't bother him - then just enjoy the man and have fun.
It's hard to find a guy (or woman) who makes us feel good, who we have fun with, who we feel comfortable with and who makes us laugh. Don't give that up simply because you have shallow friends. They're not dating him, YOU are. If you two just met, then give it some time to see what develops. Your friends are acting like you're going to marry the man tomorrow. It's a bit premature for anyone to be saying ANYTHING about this budding relationship. Just go with the flow, and if he continues to make you feel happy, then your friends should be happy for you simply because YOU are happy. If they're not, then maybe the relationship you should re-evaluate is the one you have with your so-called friends.
I understand why women want to date men who they feel is on or above "their level" in terms of education, career, success, etc. They say that women seek men who can serve as good providers during the period when they will be concentrating on mothering their children. It may also be argued that, even though a woman has a more successful career than a man, she will still be far more likely than him to want to serve as the primary caretaker for their children. For these reasons, it's said that "dating down" will never work. Whatever that means.
It sounds to me like your friends care more about titles and appearances than what is in man's heart. If he works hard, loves his family, treats you well and makes you feel safe, THOSE are the qualities you should look for in a potential husband and father - not what his university alma mater is. A man can have a gang of degrees, make six-figures at a high powered job and frequent museums and be all "cultured" - and still be an asshole. The corporate CEO may not make a great father because he might not be around. And just because a man makes alot of money doesn't mean he knows what to do with it - or that he'd share it with you.
And not for nothing, that UPS guy probably makes more money than LOTS of people with a college degree...if that's what you care about. Let's be real here...jus sayin.
Not everyone who graduated from college is intelligent, and not everyone who didn't go to college is stupid. I knew plenty of idiots in college, and some of the smartest people I know didn't go to college at all. Having a degree means you're educated, not intelligent...there's a difference.
I say all that to say - do YOU. Have fun. Explore your new relationship and don't worry about what your friends think. Your true friends will be happy that you've found someone who makes you smile. And for those "friends" who don't support you...they can (say it with me)...KICK ROCKS!