Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Happy Tuesday everyone!

I have a guest today - none other than our very own "Meercat" - Rameer - let's go!

Okay, so Brooke-Ra gave me a shot at guest blogging again. And while I’m glad for the opportunity (no, Brooke-Ra and Serena, I’m STILL not doing the bitchass blog!), the subject matter is…kind of peculiar.

See, it deals with a previous blog and subject matter we’ve talked about in the past. I believe it was Serena’s blog, “Turning In My Player’s Hat,” that really got the convo going about men “deciding” when they wanted to settle down - leaving good women in their wake unfairly. And I read what many of the ladies wrote, and agreed with or at least saw their point on many things. I’m still unsure why (in my opinion) most women do the comparison thing – comparing the new girl to you, or measuring up to see who was better, looked better, better job, etc. – but I completely get it.

Now...I might be one of those dudes.

I’m always honest on here, but I’m going to try to be as forthcoming as possible in this blog. I really don’t THINK I’m superficial at all. I don’t THINK that. But I’ve wondered off of the opinions of people at times. Never off of the opinions of any of my closest people; we’re all brutally honest, and since none of them ever made that claim about me, I tend to think I’m right in my assertion that I’m not that way. However, people who know me, but maybe not that well, have made the claim that I only date/mess with/deal with VERY attractive women. And I must say, I DO know a TON of them. And most of the ones I’ve dealt with romantically typically have gotten the “DAYUM!!” from brothas – as well as sistas, too.

A while back, I went out with this really sweet, beautiful woman. Extremely smart, Knowledge Of Self, self-sufficient, no-nonsense – she’s pretty much everything a good guy would want. For years, she dated this dude that I jokingly called “the Reverend MLK Jr.,”...cuz homie looked like MLK. He was a good dude though, and I couldn’t cut his throat, (me and my boy’s term for stealing a girl from another dude) cuz he’s actually an SU grad – and I’m extremely loyal and have an affinity for my SU peoples.

Anyway, he moved, they broke up, and that was that. At some point last year, we took our flirtation to a little MORE than flirtation. Now, I flirt with any female who is attractive. But this always had a hint of truth to it; secretly, we’ve been attracted to each other from Day One of meeting each other – all the way back in ’97. She was a co-worker until a few years back, and we were just very good, close friends.

Well, we crossed the line. Everything was great – we were together, both knew what we wanted (supposedly), and were happy. But then, something started not being right. For ME. I couldn’t put my foot on it, but I couldn’t be with her. Then, a mitigating circumstance reared its head – there was a chance (albeit a small one) that a good friend’s impending baby could be mine (we had dated in the past and had hooked up for ol’ times sake months before she and I got together. She felt it was fair to tell me there was a chance it could be mine if not her ex’s).

I think I used that as a good reason to break it off. Truth is, if the baby was mine, (it wasn’t it turned out, as me and the female friend both initially thought) I would’ve tried to make it work with the friend, cuz we’re tight, and she’s marriage material. I’m not into “baby mommas,”and I’d want my child to have both parents together and present in the home. But it was like the perfect excuse to let go of something that, though it was perfect, just wasn’t right for me.

When we broke it off, she understood, but told me that she would be there, and hoped that one day we could get back together. I told her don’t do that - to move on with her life and we’ll always be good friends.

Fast forward to today. I’m seeing someone.

The woman I’m seeing is EXTREMELY different than most women I’ve ever been seriously involved with. First off, she’s not a “model chick” like some of the envious types at my job accuse me of always being with. She’s not ugly by any means, but she would classify as an average woman. There are a number of other things that are a bit opposite of what people would think of a woman on my arm, based on my past women and who I am. But here’s the thing – at the end of the day, I’m HAPPY. I mean, like ecstatic happy. Head over heels, ebullient when we’re together. And it’s really a good thing.

Princess LOVES her. She says she’s perfect for me, that I needed to stop with the model chicks as well. And she says she’s a challenge and that I’ve been able to get women too easy – and this one wasn’t easy. I can tell you this – we both have each other stepping out each other’s lanes to do new things. She took me to my first hockey game as an adult this past week (she LOVES all sports, and was determined to prove to me that I could like a live hockey game as much as other sports – she was RIGHT). I got her to eat Asian-fusion when she thought most Asian food was disgusting (she was wrong). We both hate PDA's, yet we find each other holding hands at times and kissing in public, regardless of who is around (I SERIOUSLY don’t do that stuff – but I’ve done it with her – on my own!).

But now I’m thinking about Woman #1.

See, she definitely is a “model chick.” And, while I’m not going crazy and saying she’s “The One,” about the woman I'm seeing now, I’m happy and want nothing else. And I’m wondering how Woman #1 is going to react once she knows about my new woman. I’m positive the comparisons are going to go through her mind, and that she’s gonna feel and echo the same sentiments that I read on here from the ladies regarding how we men unfairly get them to the point of investing the time - just to move on to the next woman’s benefit. She knows I’m a pretty good guy, which will make it worse. And I happen to know she hasn’t dated or messed with any guy seriously since me – and that means she’s been single for almost ALL of 2009.

Meanwhile, I’ve dated casually…but she’s held on, even though I’ve never led her on, and made it clear I was in another space and wanted to maintain nothing but friendship between us. But I don’t think we can ever go back to being pure platonic friends, truly.

I’m at a loss as to what to do. I’m not giving up this wonderful woman in the least, but I have no idea how to deal with the situation with Woman #1 - cuz now...I’m THAT guy. The guy I read all of you ladies ranting about wasting your time and then moving on and treating the next woman like an Empress. Even though I treated Woman #1 well, it’s of no solace to her. Not to sound arrogant, but I KNOW she still wants me. I KNOW she thinks we should be together…and probably envisioned us being each other’s last relationship.

It’s a tough position to be in, cuz I DO care about her as a friend. But I can’t help but think she’s going to look at me with resentment and hurt. That I wasted her time. Why did I put her through this, only to move on to her? That I went from being the good guy she loved…to THAT guy.

It’s true. It’s unfair, but when we’re ready to settle down, we do in many cases…and sometimes at the expense of past relationships and connections.

I’ve always prided myself in being a genuinely good guy, and most people have agreed with that assessment.

But now, I’m thinking…maybe I am just THAT GUY.

Love to hear any and all feedback from you guys…especially the women.



Dr. PLJ said...

Am I first?!

Dr. PLJ said...

Finally...I'm first...heeheee....now I need to read the blog and digest...Will post again soon:)

Stef said...

You're supposed to say "FIRST BITCHES!" LOL!

Yolanda said...

SCREW WOMAN #1 (and I don't mean literally, you freak!).

Seriously, why are you looking back? Do you know how long it takes to find happiness these days, Meercat? You say you're happy...so go with that feeling. Don't be scurred. Let it "do what it do."

Why do people always do this? They find someone new who challenges them and is worth all the toads they've kissed in the past, then they start getting all misty-eyed over what could have been with the last person. It "wasn't" for a reason. Live in the NOW, not the PAST!

The past is the past for a reason. As Vivica Fox would say, leave that "BACK THERE" (*and toss it over your shoulder*).

Congratulations on your relationship. Now, send me some good vibes dammit.

Jay said...


I don't think you need to worry about being "THAT GUY." For whatever reason, Woman #1 wasn't the one for you, no matter how great she is. SOMETHING was missing, and it doesn't have to be something you can put your finger on. Most times our gut is enough.

Even if she does go through that whole host of emotions, she'll eventually move on from it. She'll realize that you weren't the one for her when the guy she's supposed to be with comes into the picture. She won't be able to see it now, because her feelings are involved, but all you're doing is making room for Mr. Right to come along. She'll appreciate it later.

Women just need to realize that just because we didn't pick you, it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. I know it's a hard pill to swallow, but it's really just us and our timing. Doesn't always make sense, but that's how it goes.

Rameer said...

I'm not looking back as in I'm pining after her or reminiscing on the old days. I'm simply saying, based on the convo we've had in the past on here - I seem to be one of those guys who had a good woman, and inexplicably moved on...and now she may look at me in a negative light.

And she's a good person and I'd like to be friends with her...but I don't know if that's possible. I think, like some of the opinions voiced on here in the past, she will look at me as THAT guy, and inevitably compare herself to my new woman.

I'm not looking back. I'm looking FORWARD - as in, can I move forward and maintain a relationship with Woman #1 without her harboring ill-will, jealousy or animosity towards me and my new woman.

Like I wrote - she DID think we would be each other's last relationship.

Rameer said...

Thanks, Jay. I think you picked up on the spirit/vein of what I wrote.

But I do, after reading that "Player's Hat" blog, think it is unfair that we men do that to women, and many of the women on this blog have had that experience. Which is why I'm so interested in hearing their thoughts on this.

Yolanda said...

Every woman thinks she's a "good" woman with the potential to be "the one." Just because it didn't work out with her, doesn't make you THAT guy. It just means she wasn't THAT ONE woman for you. It doesn't make you a bad person.

I'm not trying to trivialize the past relationship, her or what you wrote, but people get their hearts broken all the time. It's not right, and sometimes, it's not wrong either. It just happens. It's the process to get you to where you ultimately need to be.

She just needs to move on like you have.

Sounds like you want her to "like" you, but that can't always happen. You want her to like you so you won't feel like you're the bad guy, or THAT guy. And really, that's kinda selfish. No offense. But it is. Respect her need to get over you, WITHOUT you in the mix trying to be her friend or worrying about what she's going to feel when she sees your new boo.

It's not always a safe place for people to try to "be friends" with people they used to date. One person will always pine over what could have been, what was or "why didn't he choose me." Trust me. I've lived in that "why didn't he pick me" place before and it's not pretty but it didn't last forever.

In hindsight, when I look at the women those men have chosen and the lives they now lead, perhaps THEY are happy but in my judgment, I know that I would not have been happy. So, in essence, they did me a favor.

Rameer said...

I've been extraordinarily successful at maintaining good friendships with people I used to date, so perhaps you're right - maybe I AM being selfish. I didn't look at it that way; I think I'm honestly concerned about her and her well-being mentally. But I can't say that you're wrong, cuz I never considered that.

Brooke said...

This is an interesting one, because I've often wondered what the woman that my ex wound up with had that made her the ONE. Not necessarily what she had that I didn't have, but what was that THING that made her IT.

And most times, there was no answer...at least not one that a man would admit to. Most of my exes that have gone on to get married told me that it was simply time, that they were finally ready. It almost had nothing to do with what the woman HAD that no other woman had. They'd say she is a good woman and it was time. None of them said, "well, she cooks" or "she's smarter" or "she's prettier." They all said they just matured and looked up and realized that they were finally ready to settle down.

Also, a lot of my exes talk about the "one that got away" - even though they're married. I'd HATE to be married to a man, only to feel like I wasn't THE ONE - The one who made him happy, who made him "ebulliently" happy like you're saying you are Rameer. If you are happy like that, then all you can do is wish Woman #1 well and give her the space she needs to get over you. She'll be able to be your friend one day, but probably not right now. And that's fine. But she WILL get over it and move on. She'll just need to do it in her own time. Don't worry about being the guy who wasted her time. You didn't waste her time, you both were in a relationship and it didn't work out. She'll learn from that relationship just like you did, and she'll find her happily ever after with someone else.

DMoe said...

@Rameer -

I understand exactly where your coming from here. With all this said about woman #1 and who's #1 now, there is one point that's being missed in the conversations:

Its the part where YOU are growing as a person and as a man in the process. The forum where "THAT" guy is dismissed as merely "indecisive" is like trying to paint the Mona Lisa with a crayon.

The guy that you are (and will become) is an ever-changing mosaic, and many of us miss the fact that we absolutely have to grow to know. The man you are/have been/will be to "chick numero dos" is directly attributed to life's journey and your evolution in the midst of that ride. And yes, you can thank woman #1 for that, but thank God for your personal evolution also.

Let's also say this: THAT woman at THAT point in BOTH of your lives was a pivotal moment whether it comes to true fruition or not. She learned from you, you learned from her ---- However, you were also learning about YOURSELF, and that's the main ingredient.

For all of us (men and women) maybe WE just weren't good enough within ourselves for the other person involved at that moment in BOTH lives.

For all the ones i've "lost", I truly believe being a great loser can make you a good winner.


Jaz said...

I agree with Yoland, you just don't want to be the bad guy. Guys who think they're good guys always want to maintain that good guy image, so you want her to be in your life as your friend on your terms. She can't be truly happy for you if she still has feelings for you. And it's not fair to ask her to be your friend while you're all "happy" with someone else. It IS selfish. Give her space. Don't worry about being the "good guy." Leave her alone and she may come around later. If not, oh well. If she does, she'll be able to be a better friend because she had the chance to get over you.

Jay said...

@ Brooke, you're absolutely right. I've been lucky to have dated ALOT of women who could hav been the ONE. I can't say a bad thing about ANY of them, just like I'm sure your exes can't say anything bad about you. As perfect as you seem to be, it's not you, it's them and THEIR timing. That has been the case with me and I had no real reasons to give those women as to why I won't or can't settle down with them. I just wasn't there.

Now I feel like I'm finally getting to a place where I can give a woman what she needs in a relationship - and not just worrying about what I need. I think waiting until you're ready makes you a better partner, and the person I was before was too selfish and the women I dated didn't deserve who I was THEN.

Alot of times, like DMoe said, it's about our own personal growth, not who the women are. While I feel like I've let some great women go, I did them a favor - cuz they would have loved me even though I was a selfish asshole, and they deserved better. I have no regrets, and I just have to trust that I'll be blessed enough to have another great woman come my way. There seems to be WAY more of you great women out there than great men, and I'm simply working on being a great man so I can be worthy when she does come around again.

Brooke said...

Damn Jay, you're on a roll! First last Friday's blog, now today! Go head with your bad self!

Like what Jay and D said, it's about who you are as well, not just about your relationship and who SHE is. She will be fine. You are happy now. While it's great to be able to be friends with an ex, most times it can only be that way when both of you are in a place to move on and see the big picture for what it truly is.

Stef said...

Brooke, I think you and Jay should meet You two sound perfect for each other! ;)

Rameer said...

Okay - let me be *clear*.

While I won't dismiss Yolanda's theory, I'm not saying it's true either. I'm just saying it's POSSIBLE. Jaz - this is NOT about me "just not wanting to be a bad guy". Brooke-Ra can tell you - I RELISH being a bad guy. I AM a bad guy. In a general sense of that term, it fits me. It's why Kobe Bryant, Kanye West and Deion Sanders are all some of my favorite entertainers - bad guys.

But this is not about my own well-being of mind or stroking my ego. I never even THOUGHT of the concept of how women feel on this issue until I read the blog. And yes, these blogs sometimes inspire me to think outside of the day that I read them and comment on them. So YES, I remembered and considered the words I had previously written.

Has anyone missed the part about us being close friends for almost a decade?? It can't simply be that I truly want to maintain a friendship with someone I was close to for a long time? Granted, I KNOW it may not be possible. I'm not changing my relationship or who I am. I'm asking people what they think about the whole situation.

This is not "bash-a-guy" time. If you think I'm a bad guy cuz I don't WANT to be viewed as a piece of caca or give the impression of that, then so be it. I would argue a "real" bad guy (relationship-wise) wouldn't give a eff about maintaining the friendship or how Woman #1 feels. But that's just how *I* think.

Brooke-Ra - thanks for the advice and perspective. And Dmoe - I think you hit home with the ever-changing mosaic metaphor. I AM constantly growing and changing, and she did help me to get to the point I'm at now - funny, but I didn't think of it that way, but after reading it, it rings true.

Maybe I'm a bad guy. Maybe I'm a good guy. Or maybe I'm just A GUY.

Jay said...


I think we should meet too, but I don't want Cable Guy to cut off my service! haha!

Sorry, had to say it :)

Jaz said...

I wasn't guy bashing, but I think Yolanda's point had some validity. I don't know you, but from how the blog was written, that's how it sounded to me and I was just going off that. Maybe I missed the part where you were friends for a decade, but either way, she needs space. If you want to be a good guy, just give her time. Alot of times, men can separate the friendship from the relationship, even though the woman is still in love with them, and they want to hold on to the friendship and want the other person to be happy for them. If you know that flaunting your new relationship to her would hurt her, then the best thing to do is leave her alone. If you truly want her to be happy, you'll stay out of her life for a while and let her come back into yours when/if she's ready. That's all you can do.

Rameer said...

@ Jaz - I feel you. Thanks for the honesty and the advice. =)

Brooke said...

It's funny, a friend of mine just this past Saturday told me that his ex told him that she prepared him for his wife. While he saw it as sour grapes, maybe there was some truth to it. I think all of our past relationships help us to grow into the people we are or who we want to be. All past relationships offer something to learn from, good or bad. We take all those lessons and hopefully apply them to future relationships, and hopefully we don't make the same mistakes over and over again. Either way, they shape us, consciously or subconsciously, and Woman #1 probably did help you get to the point where you are today in some aspects of your current relationships. But she can't worry about the next woman and what she THINKS she gained that she didn't. Too many times, we're worrying about how that guy or girl is going to treat the NEXT person instead of remembering how they treated YOU. We can't change anyone or make them love us or be the person we want them to be. If they weren't the guy that we wanted them or needed them to be when they were with us, then who they are with someone else doesn't matter. Just means it wasn't meant to be.

DMoe said...

@Jay -

Agreed completely. Abstinence is an excellent policy. Think of it as providing the opportunity to live a "Rameer-less" life.

One way or another, it will be good for everyone involved. Considering the circumstances, I'd certainly agree with not "flaunting" the new things.

That's just lame.


Rameer said...

Ladies - tell me. What truly goes through your mind when a guy who you had a good relationship with ends things with you and moves on to someone else? Do most of you compare and contrast? Do you spend time wondering why he chose her, what's wrong with him, what's wrong with you, etc.? Do you tend to harbor some animosity?

Is it a blow to the psyche? Do you write it off as something that "men do"? Give me some feedback...I know Brooke-Ra was one of the ones chirping in about it on Serena's guest blog. What say you guys in general?

Rameer said...

Just read Brooke-Ra's response after I posted mine - thanks!

@ DMoe - I'm not a "flaunter". That would never occur. We just run in the same circles at times, so she's bound to know.

Stef said...

I'd be lying if I said I didn't wonder what she had that I didn't have, but then when I saw them or heard about their relationships, the guy was cheating or being an asshole or was doing dirt some kind of way, and I then I felt like I dodged a big bullet! So after that, I stopped wondering what she had that I didn't have and stopped wanting to be in HER shoes, cuz what you see on the outside may not be whats going on on the inside.

Brooke said...

Stef, you hit the nail right on the head. You can't worry about what you THINK you lost, you just have to remember that it wasn't meant to be for a reason - and you don't always have to know what that reason was.

Rameer said...

@ Stef - ALL the guys you can think of were being no-good in their new relationships? Wow...

That's sad - but yeah, you def dodged a bullet it would seem!

Jaz said...

Personally, I don't wonder what she had that I don't have if the relationship ended mutually, or if the guy was on the up an up about it. I only get upset when I feel like I've been led on or that the guy wasn't being completley honest. If you know I'm not it, then let me go, don't hold on to me so no one else gets me, only to leave me after you find someone else. So many times guys try to hold onto you so they won't be lonely, even if they know you're not the one, and that's messed up. If I'm not it, then let me go and THEN go find the next chick. Don't string me alone until you figure it out or keep me so no one else gets me. Now THAT is selfish!

Rameer said...

I COMPLETELY agree with THAT, Jaz! Always be on the up and up about situations. Stringing people along is *wack*.

Jay said...


I've done that too, held on to a good woman, KNOWING she wasn't the one, but afraid to let her go because I knew she was a good woman and I did'nt think another one would come around or I thought another dude would get her.

I had to be honest and let them go eventually, and I had to BECAUSE I cared for them. If you love someone, and you KNOW you can't give them what they want, need or deserve, but you hold on to them anyway, then you're just a selfish asshole who will pay in the end. I believe in karma, so I'd rather do the right thing even if it hurts me (and HER in the beginning) then string her along and hurt her worse later. These men out here are straight bitches when it comes to that, but we're guilty of it from time to time.

Stef said...

I'm loving Jay right now!

Brooke, set it up! Meet this brotha! LOL!

DMoe said...

I think the 800 lb. gorilla in the room of this topic is the part where some people's personalities just don't "align" with other people's at certain points in life.

But, you can't really tell a certain kind of man or woman that his/her attitude and approach to things causes friction that just isn't fun and makes a future appear grim.

Then again, there's the personal growth involved with dealing with those differing attitudes and approaches.

There are lessons to be learned from every relationship and there should certainly be a great amount of introspection when things end between two people.

Often, people look to point fingers when things go wrong, instead of starting inwardly.

I say all this because I'm hearing myself say it, and am still learning.

But - What if she "is" actually better than you at certain things when it comes to "handling" the guy a certain way?

What if he "is" actually better at being a certain way in crisis or in the midst of disagreement?
What if his disposition is smoother and cooler to be involved with?

These are questions we should be answering, before we doom ourselves to repeat mistakes that we won't even admit to ourselves first and foremost.

I know there are a bajillion things I could have done better in the past.

Not only will I improve on them, I'll become a f**kin' scholar at those things.

As for the rest, I'll just keep addin' to my repertoire.

The evolution continues.

Yolanda said...

@Rameer... Good discussion today.

Here's what goes through my mind when the man chooses someone else: it's usually anger then tears.

Ultimately, after I cry-it-out, I think about the things that may have been toxic in that experience. Typically, I fall too fast or do too much to be the "good" one who takes care of all his needs, etc... but he doesn't reciprocate. I think that has a lot to do with why I'm 31 and have not had anything that resembles a "real" relationship. I give and I give then I get fed up.

After I get over myself, I realize that I've come out the winner in the long run because I'm being prepared for something greater... for a better man who will appreciate and respect me. And I'm being prepared as a person to not only handle rejection, but love -REAL love- as well.

In the long run though: I got over it! And, let's face it... I have taken a teeny bit of joy looking at the "new" girl and thinking I'm a bit more fly. Shallow... but it is what it is.

Brooke said...

I guess why Rameer's question is a bit harder for me to answer is because I've only ever felt that I would "end up" with one of my exes. I didn't look at all of them as my "last relationship." Only one that could have come close. So there was no wondering about the next chick, because I didn't care. I knew that we weren't meant to be, so knowing that was enough. I didn't have to wonder about anyone else.

With the one who I DID think I had a chance of settling down with, he went on to be engaged a couple years after we broke up - and while I felt a little twinge in my gut when I first heard about it, I was ultimately happy for him. I didn't wonder what she had that I didn't have, but felt like "wow, she got a great man." While I haven't had a boyfriend as great as him since, I don't feel like I prepared him for anyone else per se. He was great before me. And if anything, HE prepared ME for what I want in the future, and that relationship dictates now what I will and will not put up with. Once you've been treated well, you tend not to go backwards - or so that's the hope - which probably explains why I haven't had an exclusive relationship in the six years since we broke up.

Jay said...


You've been single for 6 years??!! That's insane! Who ARE these men you're meeting?? Shit, we MIGHT need to meet so I can see what that's all about, cuz honestly, I don't get it.

D, you're right, sometimes you CAN say that the next woman (or man) IS better than the other woman at certain things, or maybe our spirits just connect better, but in my case, most times, it was just me. I can say I've been lucky to date some great women in my life, I just think I need ONE more, and I'll be good!

Brooke...coffee? ;)

Stef said...

Yeah! Get it Brooke!

Brooke said...

y'all are funny :)

@Yolanda, I love your response. But here's a question - how do you reel that back if that's the person you are naturally? I think I give alot too (sometimes too soon), and sometimes it's reciprocated, other times not. But I think that's just who I am, and I don't necessarily wanna lose that part of me. Do you learn to pull back, or do you learn who to give it to? Or a little bit of both?

Yolanda said...


I've learned to wait a little before I start letting it all out there. I'm a giver but I have an inner-buzzer that goes off when I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

Are we as a blog, cheating on the Cable Guy? I feel dirty :-)

YES... go get coffee with Jay (I'm speaking for you now).

Stef said...

Not sure what Yolanda's response will be, but I think it's a little bit of both. Don't stop being who you are, just don't show it so soon. And pay attention to if the guy is just as thoughtful and giving as you are. If not, then don't waste your "goodness" on him. In some cases, it's like you have to wait for him to draw first blood so to speak, let HIM show you HIS goodness first, and THEN you can be "you." It takes some balancing and being more careful, but I think it's worth it. That way, you won't feel used or like you're doing all the giving and he's doing all the taking. This way, if he DOES move on to someone else, you don't feel like he got the best of you and then bounced. You won't feel like you've lost much, let the NEXT chick do all the giving. Just my 2 cents.

Stef said...

Oops, was typing while Yolanda was responding. Good response Yolanda!

As for Cable Guy, he can kick rocks! He's MAD thirsty! And Jay seems more mature to me and READY than Cable Guy is. I think CG is enamored with Brooke, but doesn't have what she needs in this stage in her life to give her what she deserves. Now, I don't know Brooke personally, so I could be totally wrong, but I feel she needs a MAN in her life that is ready to commit and not play games. Not saying CG is about games, but he doesn't seem mature enough for Brooke.

Now Jay, you sound READY! LOL!

Jay said...

I'll allow Brooke to respond to me personally over email rather than responding publicly on the blog. I notice she tends to keep her business private, as it should be.

@Stef, yes, I'm ready...for a GOOD WOMAN that is. No games. 100% real at this point in my life.

As for giving too much too soon, I think you have to trust your instincts and be honest with yourself. You can give alot up front if the guy is giving it back to you, and there's nothing wrong with that. But if you give alot, and you KNOW in your heart he doesn't deserve it, then stop it. I think alot of times, women think that if they keep giving their "goodness" (whatever that "goodness" is) that the guy will "wake up" and "see" what a good woman she is and change his selfish ways. But if he's selfish, he's just gonna keep taking your goodness, then pop some noise later like "well...I TOLD you I wasn't ready" or "I TOLD you I didn't want to be in a relationship" or "I TOLD you I couldn't give you what you wanted." Ladies, don't fool yourself. When a person shows you who they are, BELIEVE them!

Rameer said...

I gotta admit - this has turned out to be a GREAT discussion! I'm so glad everyone has chimed in and given their perspective.

Oh, and just so it's unanimous - Brooke-Ra, meet Jay for coffee. Seriously.

It's just coffee (I actually hate the stuff - I'd order tea), and at least you guys get a nice sit-down, meet and vibe. At best, you find out there's some mutual interest, and a year from now, you're writing you're 1-year anniversary blog for the relationship...

I'm just sayin'. Jay seems like a real dude. True story.

Brooke said...

OMG!!! My great-grandmother used to say that all the time - when a person shows you who they are, believe them. I never understood that until I got older...and now her words totally ring true!

And you're right, it's hard to pull back sometimes when you're a naturally giving person. But you have to learn when to break it out and pay attention to who's receving it. Great advice. I think I've learned to control it better, but I'm sure since it's been a while, I'll need to be reminded from time to time :)

And Yolanda is speaking for me now, LOL! :) How are you all cheating on Cable Guy? I didn't think he had any supporters :) Especially not Stef! LOL!

Stef said...

No love lost between me and cable dude. I'm sure he's a good guy, but Brooke, seriously, go out with Jay. Don't know him, but sounds like a cool dude and he seems to be one of the only guys I've seen on this blog really be REAL and HONEST. Two great qualities right there!

Jaz said...

Brooke, only you know what's good for you, and for all we know you could be dealing with someone already - but if not, then have coffee with Jay. Sounds like a nice guy from what he's written anyway, and like Stef said, he seems honest. Most men now lie at the drop of a hat and have no problem with it. At least Jay appears to be real. He doesn't know any of us, so he has no reason to lie, right? :)

Great discussion today!

Annamaria said...


Rameer great topic. Look forward not back...Ultimately the lady will just have to move forward & get over it. You may be THAT guy but you may not.. She may totally understand. But you have something good now and it seems like its exactly what you wanted so be happy. EVERYONE men & women wonder what they did wrong or why the next one was the right one. BUT ultimately I believe if it was meant to be IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED...but it didn't..so maybe it was god's way of sparing you something in the future...

Be happy with what you got son.. Brooke go meet Jay for coffee AFTER you drop off my cheesecake!!! LMAO...

Cable Guy can be easy & relax...

Brooke said...

Annamaria, I'll make your cheesecake for the weekend of Nov. 20th if you'll be around. Let me know!

Yolanda said...

Maya Angelou says that "when people show you who they are, believe them" a lot too. And it's really true. It's just like what my BFF says as well: "You can't tell people isht!" As in, you can't give people advice because they'll ultimately do what they want and you wind up wasting breath. Two important points I always remember!

And... I have a special place in my heart for that Cable dude. I often feel like the underdog, so I root for him, though I have no idea who he is. But hey, I'm down for new things. Let's try this Jay person. Can I get an invite to the wedding? LOL. Reowr!

The Cable Guy said...




Bunch of traitors! All of you! I expected this of Stef (cuz she's a hater), but Yolanda? I thought we was cool!!!???

Jay, back up chief :) I mean, I get it, B is fine as hell, smart, all that yada yada, but how you gonna move in on my woman?? LOL!

I come in from work and this is what I see?? Wack man!

Rameer, good discussion dude. And Woman #1 will get over it. Do you and just be a good friend like you've been when she finally comes around. She will, just needs time.

Annamaria said...

I'll be here the 20th & the 22nd... We have a christening in westchester on the 21st... If you come the 20th you can see bro in law...Don't worry guys I'm not trying to hook her up...just buddies.. I got my Brooke & Jay banner!!! lmao....

Rameer said...

Thanks to all of you for your input and contributions to the discussion! This really turned out to be a good one.

And thanks especially to Brooke-Ra for letting me be a guest blogger! This is like the third time...I guess she *does* like me. Lolz...joking, Brooke-Ra. You know you're VERY cool and we get along fine.

Curiosity question to some of you - while I agree Jay seems to be a real dude, the implication by some comments is that other guys on the blog aren't/haven't been at times? If that is the train of thought, what gives you THAT impression??

I tend to believe the Craigs, Zay Buges, Dark Clouds, Latinegros, myself, etc. are VERY honest and forthcoming on most things and about who we are. And I even KNOW a few of these guys, so I'd call bullshit if they were talking out of their arses...what (if anything) would give you the idea that guys weren't being real/authentic??

Just curious. If I read to much into that and that wasn't implied, my bad.

Yolanda said...

Today's Jay Day. LOL.

You'll get your "real dude" shine next week Meercat. Then Ant, then DMoe, and so on and so forth.

MY BAD Cable man... they made me do it!

Stef said...

Cable dude, who you calling a hater?! Come on now dude - you KNOW you are MAD thirsty when it comes to Brooke. Admit it!

Nothing against you dude, I'm sure you're cool, but come on!

The Cable Guy said...

Yolanda, not mad at you, you my girl. You and Serena. But the rest of ya'll can beat it!

Stef. You're a hater. Period.

Rameer said...

Uh-oh. BLOG WARS!!!

Thanks for the convo, guys. I'm out...have a fundraiser to attend...

Stef said...

I think the guys on here are real for the most part, but I notice that when Jay does chime in, he's on some real ish, straight from the heart, that most men don't admit to. I didn't comment on the blog for a long time, but I read everyday and have been reading for months, and I feel that most people keep their answers safe, or say what they think sounds good, even though we don't know each other. Well, I don't know anyone.

I just feel like Jay keeps it 100% every single time. He tells us things that I feel most men keep secret. Not saying the men on here are fake, but they keep their business to themselves, which is fine. I just like Jay's take on issues that pertain to relationships. I like DMoe too, but sometimes I don't understand what he's saying :) I think it's kinda vague :) Maybe I'm just slow, who knows? :) But Jay speaks plainly...he just says it.

And since we're being honest, Rameer, sometimes I feel like you never do anything wrong. Most of your comments are like "I never do this, I never do that." Which is cool if you do or don't or whatever. But it's almost like you feel you have no faults. Even if you say you do, you don't really name them. I feel like Jay lays it all out on the line and isn't afraid to admit he's made mistakes. I think last Friday's blog was the first time you admitted to doing anything foolish. Again, not trying to start no trouble, but that's just the take I get from reading your posts sometimes. I'm sure you're good people too, but just thought I'd say that and be completely real with you.

I still liked the blog today though!

Yolanda said...

I got those TEAM CABLE GUY and TEAM JAY shirts in the trunk. Just $10... all sizes up to XXXL.

I'm sayin'...it's a recession!

Brooke said...

I would crack up if I saw a "TEAM CABLE GUY" t-shirt! That's up there with "Who Gone Check Me Boo?" LMAO!!

Jaz said...

I agree Stef, some responses seem more "safe" than others, but I think most of Brooke's commenters are real and honest for the most part. I love Yolanda's responses! she's funny, but honest as well.

Cable Guy, you just keep doing you and loving Brooke if you want to. Nothing wrong with professing your feelings for a great person. I like that you and Jay put it out there and not afraid of what other people think. Brooke probably has alot of admirers, but none that would want to say it out loud or have her on their arm. At least you two are REAL men who go for what they want! Go get her!

That said, I think I'll take a Team Jay tee shirt Yolanda! LOL!

Annamaria said...

I agree with Stef also...
Cable Guy you know we cool man!!!!
Yolanda I'll take a Team Jay T-shirt! LMAO Do you have any onesies??? If so I'll take a Team Jay in 3-6 months for Sophia..LOL

Serena W. said...

Dang! I missed a great convo! The job was crazy yesterday :(

Rameer, woman #1 will naturally be hurt and it will take time for her. As Yo said earlier you can't risk happiness now a days.

The one thing that you did that my friend "Ethan" must learn is to drop some of the criteria. New chick isn't model like, loves hockey, etc.

He'll learn that a woman can be all things to him and maybe not be a harvard graduate, with xyz degree, etc.

Mike Baisden just talked about why men date down and women date up. In the case of my ex people look at her and don't get it, heck I don't. I point to him as That Guy because he cheated and that wasn't right. I gave too much of myself up in the beginning and got bi*** slapped in the face. In this case karma is a mug and he'll get it.

Ahem...back to you, be happy and enjoy. I hope you can continue to be friends with #1 and that she as well finds happiness.

Related Posts with Thumbnails