Friday, November 6, 2009

Mr. Good Enough?

TGIF!!

I'm so happy it's Friday, all I can think about it going home, plopping down on the couch and relaxing all weekend. It's been a long week!

So, as I'm smushed between all the Yankees fans attending the parade this morning, I overheard an interesting and thought provoking conversation between 2 women who appeared to be strangers. One was probably in her mid-30's, attractive, professional looking. The other woman looked to be about 50 years old, wearing a mink, diamond earrings, carrying a designer bag and dripped in money. But she had a down-to-earth and matter-of-fact way about her as she spoke - nothing pretentious.

They were discussing love and marriage, and the elder woman seemed like she was about to drop some knowledge - so of course I honed in on the discussion.

The younger woman said she was tired of dating, tired of simple ass men and tired of trying. At her age, she asked if she should just settle for "Mr. Good Enough." She said she was seeing a guy who was nice and seemed to be really taken with her, and she knows he'd treat her well.

The older woman asked her if she loved him, and the younger one said, "I like him. He's nice. I care for him."

Then the older woman asked if she respected him. The younger one said yes.

So, now I'm expecting the older woman to sing a song about waiting to find love and marry your soulmate. But to my and the younger woman's surprise, she said, "Marry him."

Hmmm...are you sure?

The younger one, even though she seemed to have made up her mind to "settle," seemed to protest a bit.

"So you're saying I should marry him, even if there's no 'spark'?"

"If he loves you, he's a good man, treats you well and will provide a great home for the both of you, then yes. Absolutely."

The younger woman sat there stunned for a moment, as if she'd just be handed the keys to the kingdom and was just standing there waiting to go inside. Noticing her reaction, the seemingly wiser woman continued.

"I once dated a man in my 30's who was the love of my life. He was gorgeous, he made me laugh, we had fun. The chemistry between us was great. But he didn't have any ambition, and he could never stay loyal to me. I loved him, but I had to let him go. Now I'm married to a man I respect, who treats me well, who provides a great life for the both of us and I know he'd never cheat on me. Is there that 'spark'? No. But do I love and respect him? Yes."

Wow.

Now, I cringe at the thought of settling. The super independent, self-reliant, wanna-be-happy in love part of me thought to myself, "I'd rather be alone than settle for ANY man who wasn't my soulmate." But I had to really sit and think about that for a second. Is my idea of love and romanticism realistic? Is it mature even? Do I need to get my head out of the clouds?

I've dated men that I loved...and then I dated men that I LOVED! I mean, head over heels, fireworks, electric chemistry, knock-my-socks off LOVE. I've been in "safe" relationships where I knew the men were good guys, they loved me, respected me and worshipped the ground I walked on. But we were missing that "thing."

You know...that indescribable "thing" - it can't be put into words. You just know it's there. That "thing" where you get butterflies every time you know you're going to see him. That "thing" where you're content just to watch him sleep. That "thing" where the sex is crazy off the hook!

But usually, those relationships ended. When I came up for air, that person wound up not being the person I should settle down with. He wound up being the person who wanted something totally different than what I wanted. The person who married the next person he dated. And sometimes, the person I was still in love with, even though I knew he wasn't the one for me.

The safe ones are there. The good guys. The responsible ones. Sure, they may lack that "thing" - but you'd feel secure. You'd feel safe. There would be no drama.

The younger woman thanked her for her advice and asked her one last question. "Do you ever feel lonely? Do you feel regret?" (I guess that's two questions...ha!)

The older woman's response?

"I feel happy."

I have to say, that conversation had me thinking all morning. At 36, time is going by. Is it RUSHING BY me at warp speed to the point where I feel I need to do something about love and happiness NOW?

No, it's not.

But there are some women who are in their 40's and 50's who WANT to be married and have someone to live their life with. Instead of chasing some mythical notion of "love," they're using their minds instead of their hearts when choosing a mate who will be their companion in life. Some may think that sounds sad, but maybe romanticism has its limits.

Maybe "Mr. Good Enough" has just enough to make us feel...happy.

-b

54 comments:

Anonymous said...

first???

Anonymous said...

Sarah Says:

Lots to think about. Wow. Indeed it is rare to find both.

Anonymous said...

I cant believe i'm the first one....wow!!

First time :)

GK

annamaria said...

I don't think you gotta settle.....but that's just me... I have a great man who I get butterflies for every time I see him or hear his voice. I think it happens for different people at different times in their lives.

Stef said...

I actually agree with the older woman. I think cases like Annamaria's are very rare. While it's nice to find that person who is the rare combination of all the things we want (looks, smarts, great personality, family man, FAITHFUL, all his teeth, etc.) - the reality is we won't find a man with all those traits who wants US as much as we want THEM. I think the older woman is on to something. Making it work with a good man who we may not feel that "spark" may be more worth it than trying to make it work with the man we have that "spark" with but also brings drama to the relationship.

momo925 said...

Nice blog Brooke. I haven't come to the point in my life where I am willing to settle for a man that doesn't make my heart skip a beat, but I have come to the point where I'm starting to question whether the man that makes my heart skip a beat is out there at all. This is the conversation you start to have with yourself when you wonder if love stories/movies have ruined you. I'm waiting for my happy ending but I can't even get through the first 30 mins of the film which happen to be when you meet prince charming lol! Is respect and security all we need? Some say that in a relationship, one person always loves the other more. If this is the case, then is it wise to choose a man thats in love with you when you simply like him a lot? I don't know... just my roaming thoughts.

Rameer said...

I agree with Stef, and it's not just for women - men too.

I've said this in some capacity for quite some time now. Many women have a dreamy vision of what they want, or subscribe to some delusion of the love they see on TV and in film, or read in books. I used to tell a friend in school "Meggie never wound up with Father de Bricassart." That's a Thorn Birds reference if y'all didn't catch it...but it holds true. That character didn't wind up with the love of her life she wound up with a good husband. Same of Brad Pitt's love interest in Legends Of The Fall.

If we're being realistic, and you break down all of the good things one needs to have a happy marriage, I think many of us can say we may have passed on people who could've been that to us. Is it possible to find that "one"? Of course it is. But reality dictates, like Stef said, that Austin and Annamaria are the exceptions nowadays, not the rule.

I think the old woman was speaking out of realism and truth. And one thing I know - the older gods and Earths have always tended to be right when speaking to me. When I absolutely defied their words and advice is when I dug my holes as a youngster. Now, I take what they tell me, and it tends to work out.

There are a whole lot of single, bitter women out there over 40 and 50 upset cuz it's over - they will never find "the one". And there's a whole bunch of happy 20-30 year-olds who accepted the goof thing they had in front of them, and are living happy, family lives where they're getting everything they need out of a marriage.

I think "the spark" is highly overrated once you get above the age of 30. We all desire it, and it's great if we can get it...but whose to say you can't get it with the good man/woman who you don't immediately have it with?

The old woman was dropping that realism for dat azz.

Brooke said...

The Bible says a man should love his wife and the wife should respect her husband. Now, who knows if that's true or what it truly means, but I know alot of women who are with men that they respect where the man seems like he's more in love with her than she is with him.

Now, these same women I'm speaking of, I've seen them in LOVE. I mean in LOVE love. And yet, those relationships never worked out. But a couple are now married to men who worshiped the ground they walk on and provide great lives for them. Occasionally they still speak of that guy who knocked their socks off and the feeling they had for him, but ultimately he wasn't husband and/or father material. They're happy and have learne to love their husbands for the good men they are, not because they make their heart skip a beat.

So there may be something to that.

Jay said...

I think the older woman has a point - and like Rameer said, I think it goes for both men AND women.

I've let some good women go because I thought I could and would meet a Halle Berry look-alike. The women I dated were good women, pretty faces, smart, funny - but they weren't a size 6, or they didn't have huge breasts, or they didn't have a fat booty. I'm making jokes, but you know what I mean. I wanted the model chick, the one where my boys would be like "DAMN!" instead of the girl that I had on the side, hidden - but was the one I had the most fun with and wanted to spend the most time with. They'd ask me what was up with her and I'd say "she a'ight" simply because she didn't fit some standard of video vixen beauty all the men desire. I'd say things like "she'd be slammin if she lost some weight, or did her hair this way." And I'd let them go.

That happened to me, and then I ran into her. She had lost weight and her hair was all done up. She was with a dude that I didn't think was nearly as fly as me. But he saw what I saw in her, under all that other stuff - but was brave enough to love her. I wasn't. Maybe if I had loved her for who she was rather than what I wanted her to be, I could have helped her to get slimmer, or encouraged her beauty instead of hiding her from my friends...and myself. I played myself, and another man got her.

I say all that to say, I was young and dumb then and the older woman is telling the truth. I'm not embarrassed by my stupid behavior because I learned from it. Now I just have to hope I meet a good woman who may not come in the package I want, but who will be good to me and love me for me and I for her.

Great blog Brooke!

Anonymous said...

I've always heard that you marry the man that loves you more than you love him. For my friends that followed this....they are VERY happily married.

I happened to marry my best friend so I'm happy.

I think women do have a tendency to be raised with super romanticized images of what love is and how it is shown. Each of us has to come to terms with what is realistic and what is fantasy. Set our expectations at a reasonable level to achieve happiness. And if you are lucky like annamaria....your heart will skip a beat when you see him.

-GK

Brooke said...

Jay, wow. Your honesty is refreshing! And I think we've all been there. Hopefully we learn to look for what TRULY matters in a person and a relationship and choose a mate based on that, and not some mysterious notion of a perfect person or perfect love.

Loved your response!

Stef said...

I loved your response too Jay. Nicely put, and very honest! You sound like you'll make someone a great husband one day!

Jay said...

Thanks Brooke and Stef. I gotta be real. I'm no where near perfect, yet that's what I was looking for. Not fair, and silly. I need to be what I'm looking for, and we'll find each other. I've let alot of good women go, so I can only imagine how bad it is for women. I feel sorry for ya'll sometimes.

Just have to live and learn and do your best and have faith. All you can do.

Rameer said...

Jay just wrote the realest ish I've ever seen a man write on here.

Not to infer or imply the rest of us haven't wrote real ish - oh we have. But that's just real talk he dropped, and I fully admit to doing THE SAME CRAP. Really. I've just recently come to grips with this, and am currently dealing with being realistic and going for what may be best for me in terms of a REALLY GOOD WOMAN - part of what I wanted to write a guest blog about.

I admire your sincere honesty, Jay. I've done the EXACT SAME THING...which is why I said it goes for men and women. You just shared your own experience when I was hesitant to admit it from a personal standpoint...which means you had more balls than me on the issue. And I respect and admire that FULLY.

I was gonna try and save it for the potential blog...but yeah, that's exactly what I was referring to.

annamaria said...

I think once you come to terms with the real you & what you really want & need in a partner you won't settle. You will find it & won't have to settle!

Anonymous said...

Locksmith,

Brooke - you know where I stand. Don't settle!

As a man who is currently in a situation where I did "settle", I would advise EVERYONE to hold out for true love and that soulmate.

My current relationship (marriage) is built on trust, respect, and love (to a degree). But we are missing one thing: REAL TRUE LOVE. We don't have that spark; that indescribable "thing" that you would expect to have in a healthy head over heels relationship.

To commit the rest of your life with someone and to know that deep down inside that you really don't want to be there is torturous. So take my advice, don't settle!

Anonymous said...

Rameer, the "spark" isn't overrated. Statistically divorce rates are rising at an unprecedented pace. I think this occurs because because people marry for the safe reason..(which I believe is the wrong reason) Folks that follow this ideology believe that they can one day achieve the "spark".

I will not ascribe to the notion that Annamaria is in the minority!! Maybe my views are biased because I see my parents relationship, I see my sister's relationship with her husband, I look at my own with my wife! I open my eyes everyday and see my wife as if it is the first time we first made eye contact! In short your blog views are not my reality, nor the reality for a number of people. While I DO appreciate dating now a days is tough..I leave you with this. I dated a woman for 10 years (I mentioned this in previous discussions) She was my ideal woman, educated ( Graduated NYU Medicine), career oriented (refer to item 1) beautiful, and had a great personality. This woman in many standards would be identified as a catch!

In my heart though, I could not marry her because the "spark" just was not there! She was everything a man could ask for in a woman but I couldn't see myself with her for the rest of my life! 10 years..no spark! It killed me that I wasted her and my time for 10 years, but I have one life to live and refuse to settle for "good enough" with the hopes that my feelings in the relationship would evolve!

I think I will steal a line from D Moe on this one and say "stay thirsty" and ultimately I think one has to be true to who and what they are such as Jay in his blog!

BTW you are one of my favorite bloggers and I may have misconstrued something so please correct me if I am off base with this one!

Floyd

Annamaria said...

Thanks Floyd... Glad you have that spark with your wife & congrats on your upcoming bundle of joy...

SEEEEE DON'T SETTLE PEOPLE'S... It can be very well attained..... You just have to be open to it.. I couldn't imagine being happy & fulfilled with someone who isn't my soulmate. During good times & bad I am truly happy with my partner.. Yes there are days I want to shank & tase him..and I'm sure that there are days that she wants to shank & tase me but even then I love him to death & I never doubt his love for me.

Brooke said...

Thanks Floyd!

And Rameer, you can guest next week, just let me know what day!

As for settling, I guess everyone's personal experience is different. I would hate to be in a loveless, spark-less relationship - but at the same time, I KNOWING that I am a hopeless romantic (despite my cynical views sometimes), I wonder if my hopelessly romantic self is somewhat juvenile in my thinking.

Movies, tv, books - they all have a fairytale ending. There's a prince charming and a princess. Tyler Perry movies always have these knights in shining armour, fine as hell, great men that women seem to "miss." But reality is, these characters are just that - characters. Make-believe - the things great love stories are made of. Sure, there are your Floyd's and Annamaria's and Austin's out there, but are they in the majority? I don't think so.

I think alot of times you have to look at the person for who they truly are and decide to make it work with one person instead of chasing perfection. I know there are no perfect people - and that we have to find who is perfect for us - but alot of times I think that "spark"...that "thing" can blind us to what is truly important.

Tell me, how do you not settle but stay realistic? Is there ever an age where you should THINK about settling?

Rameer said...

I'm kind of conflicted. Cuz I actually tell people NOT to settle...but I truly believe people tend to aspire to unrealistic expectations of what they want, and realize later that they could've had a good thing and been happy.

Those of you who have found happiness - good for you. And I know PLENTY of people who I can say have done the same thing. But I don't believe the divorce rate is up due to most people marrying with no spark - I think there are other factors. And I think men and women pass up great things all the time, and wind up unhappy a lot in this country.

Men flat out pass up great women for a variety of foolish reasons. Women tend to do it for more specific foolishness - he doesn't have "that edge", he needs a certain amount of money/props, etc. Both groups pass up great mates for complete dumbness.

I'll tell you this - in the old school, people got married more often for the other person being a good mate, not this dreamy version of being a "soul mate". I remember watching an interesting doc on this on PBS, and it had all types of statistics and studies backing up the change in attitude and why the old woman's advice worked then...and how people don't follow it now.

I think the old woman's advice doesn't suit everyone - but I think it fits A LOT.

Rameer said...

@ Brooke-Ra - women tend to settle when they lose their looks and the biological clock gets too loud. Men do so when they become the old man in the club or the creepy old dude looking at/preying on younger women. Basically, both realize "it's over" and that they better find somethign quick or risk being alone.

I would never tell anyone to settle. I'm trying to say I think our pursuit of perfection blinds us to what could be really good for us.

As I've said in the past - I LITERALLY can name about 5 women who can say they thought we'd be married or we should've wound up married. That's insane...but I can't honestly sit her and write that they're wrong. how f'd up is that??

Stef said...

I think it's easy to say when your young and in love. Floyd is a newlywed, and Annamaria I'm venturing to guess is young and has found her man. But what about the women who ARE in their 40's and 50's. I think it's easy to say to other people what they should do when you happened to luck out. Because honestly, it really is the luck of the draw. But to those women who have put themselves out there and chasing that romantic dream, it CAN seem a bit unrealistic.

I think the question should be can you "Create" that spark with someone you respect and GROW to love, not whether or not you look for that spark from the very beginning. Are we talking love at first sight here? Cuz if so, I think that stuff is make-believe.

Anonymous said...

Brooke,

As corny as it sounds...there is no age...only you know what is best for you! If you feel you have to settle...your choice. At the end of the journey we call life, can you look at yourself and say...I made ME happy!

Thanks Annamaria! Addy is at 30 weeks!! I am getting ready for my little Brooke Addison!! :) I can't wait!! This is our first and I just feel so overwhelmed. I gotta get it together!

Thanks Again!

Floyd

Malek said...

Wow this is a great topic...and I can see the points both Annamaria made and Jay...Here is my story....On our first date my husband announced that he did not want to get married or have kids so from the jump i kept my feelings in check, and then out of nowhere he proposed....I said yes and the reason I said yes was because I knew no man would treat me better than he treated me....I can say I have no worries about him cheating, and in this day a age that peace of mind alone is GOLDEN!!!!! After I said yes is when I allowed my feeling to get involved but yes I respected my husband more than I loved when we first got married and I don't feel like I settled. I think of my past relationships and I know I would not have been happy in the long run.....and when your in the "gives me chills" love and it goes out the window usually so does respect cause they usually did something that shows their true character..... just my thought...

Brooke said...

Now, my sister's story is a good example of what the blog was about. She respected her husband and only let her guard down to love him AFTER she accepted his proposal. How crazy is that?? I'm still floored by that!

Stef said...

Wow, that's interesting! Most times woman fall all head over heels in love and THEN want to get married - not the other way around!

So Malek, what would have happened if you got your feelings involved after you said yes and found out that you didn't really love him? THen what?

Anonymous said...

Hmm, this is deep.
I watched a guy at the airport yesterday waiting for his girl with flowers.
That got me all mushy, then a little whoa is me inside.
I tend to ponder my life as I wait in airports.
Anyway, to flip this a bit, my fear is BECOMING the one that someone feels they've settled for. That scares me.
It kinda chips away at your pride a bit. I'd love to be the one giving someone else butterflies or making their face light up when they see me.
Isn't that really what we're all searching for?

-yolanda a.

Annamaria said...

Perfection is impossible to attain. Austin is NOT perfect & I will be the first to admit I'm even less perfect.... but no one is... BUT that doesn't mean that imperfect person can't be your soulmate... It's a matter of accepting one's flaws... Please don't settle.Any of you...From what I've heard day after day on this blog all of you are wonderful people with lots to offer the RIGHT person..Don't waste it on Mr. Or Ms OK... Nicole you didn't settle I've heard your hubby loves you like I love chocolate!!!!!!! LMAO

Floyd you will never be ready & Neither will your wife..LOL. Take it easy & go with the flow..Hopefully Brooke won't be as stubborn as Miss Sophia was & will allow mommy an easy delivery UNLIKE mine...LOL BUT bottom line as long as lil Brooke gets here safe & sound that is all that matters & it's totally worth it..I LOVE MY LIL TROUBLE MAKER!!!! Just tell your wife to get ready lil girls tend to look like their daddy (me being the exception)

Rameer said...

I got what you meant about respect first. It's why arranged marriages work in part...and why in the old days, people could get married without being head-over-heels in love, and yet wind up celebrating their 75th anniversary in the most beautiful, loving marriage you might ever see.

I would love for everyone to find "the spark". But I don't think it's impossible to find the spark AFTER the fact - like Malek seems to have done. I'm sure she had a bit of it before she completely opened her heart, but got the full brunt of it later.

Brooke-Ra - I will try to get my blog to you by Wednesday.

Brooke said...

Nicole didn't settle, but her husband loved her...and she respected him. That's what the woman on the train was saying. Her "good enough" worships the ground she walks on, just like my sister. Some may think that's settling, but the woman on the train chose a mate with her head, not her heart...and she's happy.

The point isn't about finding perfection, it's about letting go of flights of fancy. The woman on the train doesn't have that "spark" but she's still happy. I think we're equating "spark" with happiness, or "romanticism" with happiness, and that may not be what it is - at all!

Rameer said...

EXACTLY. I'm not equating "spark" with happiness at all, nor am I saying it's romanticism. I don't even know how to DEFINE "
the spark" - it's just "the spark".

Perhaps I haven't been clear in my long-windedness...but Brooke-Ra, I think we agree for the most part. I got what the old woman meant...which is why I agree so wholeheartedly.

Malek said...

Well for me I started to look at my husband for who he was. How he treated people and of course me...Of course there are things that I wish were a little different like I wish he were more socialable and out going but then like Annamaria said no one is perfect and his pros out-way the cons. I think by him saying he didn't want to have kids or get married it allowed me to enjoy him as friend and for me to be myself cause I figured if he didn't like me or me him there was no love lost. My first instinct was to let it go because what good would come of it but then a guy friend of mine was like date like dude and let him take you out!! And Stef If I would have realized that I did not love him I would have returned the ring and broke it off....But sometimes you have to let your heart follow your mind....and too I think it depends what is important to you. To me loyalty is important and like I said I have not a care or doubt about Fouad..To others stability may be important or sex so I guess it is important to know your limits....

Jaz said...

Wow, just read Jay's post. Incredible and very honest. I don't think I've heard a man say those things so openly, but I think alot of them think just the way you do Jay. Kudos for sharing!

I've dated men who would keep me hidden, and tell me I had a "cute face" but I could tell they wanted a model chick on their arm, even though they were happy with me. Then they'd come back to me after that model chick left their ass for someone else and now they want me back. As Brooke would say, "kick rocks!"

Don't be afraid to love someone even if they don't fit your unrealist image or even worse, someone else's. YOU are the one who ultimately has to be happy, no one else. So if you find that person who makes you feel happy and safe and loved, then go for it!

Malek, I love your story! I hope to one day have the insight you had about love and marriage.

Anonymous said...

I am a newlywed indeed, but I think the description of “newlywed” trivializes my experiences with my wife. I was with my wife for 4 years prior t us getting married and lived with her for three. Just like any couple we go through our ups and downs where I can't stand to talk to her and I can tell she wants to lick a shot pon me head (she is Jamaican). With all that said whether we have been married of 5 days or twenty years every day I see her gives me butterflies and I am still in awe with her! I feelings have only become stronger for her since we met. It was a span of two years between the time I met my wife and when I broke it off with the old girlfriend. I didn't go and chase romance, I am of the opinion that romance and money are one in the same...when you chase it and look for it, they both hide and run. Real talk... I was dating and all that before I found the woman who puts a smile on my funny looking face! I can honestly in my heart say though if I didn't have my wife..I would be the same dude! (Glad I have her) I have my family, my friends, my career etc. I have been blessed with so much to complain about what I don't have

What do I say to the person in their 40's and 50's looking for love? I say continue to love yourself always and allow God to see you through! Take solace in your family and friends. Appreciate the love that you do have in your life rather than harp on the love that you don't.

Further, I don't believe that you can create a spark per say, I agree that a spark is cultivated and grown from something that is already there. I think I take umbrage with folks that settle with the hopes that they can make something out of nothing and base a relationship when the know that Something is not there!

Malek,

That is very interesting! I can only infer from your story that you wanted kids. How does that work? I know kids can be a deal breaker with many women.

I think Stef brings up a good point though what if you agreed to marry this man and found out that you really didn't have love for him...what do you do then?

Floyd

Brooke said...

My sister (Malek) has two boys, so there was no deal-breaker :)

Whenever I get into a whoa is me like Yolanda was saying, my friends always say "well, at least you have me and the love of your family."

While I love my family and friends dearly, and I thank God for them everyday, it's no where near the love of a man, a companion. And it's always my friends and family who have a special someone in their life who say that. They don't look at it from the standpoint that you're not lacking love, but a special kind of love that you get from another man or woman. I think to say that is kind of insensitive to the person who longs to find that special connection.

I thank God for my blessings everyday, and I know that God loves me, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel lonely sometimes, even with all the love I have around me. Just being honest here.

Brooke said...

Meant to write "woe is me" LOL!

I wish I could have sat down with the older woman on the train - picked her brain more :)

Jay said...

Brooke, I feel you completely. While I understand Floyd's point about cherishing the blessings that you DO have, sometimes you can't help but feel what's missing. If you long to have a loving relationship with a partner, not your family or friends, then there's a hole there that you want filled that no one else can. I'm a spiritual person, and I know that if you have God in your life that should be enough, but come on people...deep down inside, we all want to have that person to come home to. And your best friend or mom or dad or sister or brother isn't what you're talking about.

I think the spark can definitely be deceiving and can keep you from seeing if that person you have the spark with is a person who can be a good spouse or a great parent. The "spark" doesn't always indicate "soulmate" like it seems some are saying. I think love and chemistry (spark) are two totally different things.

Malek said...

Floyd like I said if I felt I could not love him as he deserved to be loved I would have broken it off. I think the problem with a lot of people today is they are not honest with themselves or there partners.
Just like with me becoming Muslim. Before we married my husband use to ask me all the time about being muslim and like two months before we got married I said look you need to know that I have no intention of becoming Muslim and if you can live with that cool if you can't then there will be no marriage. And he thought about it for a good couple of days and it was hard but and emotional but again you have to put your heart on the back burner and think with your head.
I thought to let the relationship go early on and who knows if I were in my late 30's or 40 I might have but like my male friend told me at the time "you chicks are always walking the done the aisle as soon as you meet someone just chill and let him spend his money on you" His words not mine, but it did allow me to get out of that fairy tale la la land that Brooke mentioned and just really get to know him. Think about how you are with your girlfriends. When you meet someone you are interested in getting to know them you don't want anything from them just companionship....

Stef said...

Hold on, I'm confused Floyd.

YOu said it you were with your wife for 4 years and lived together for three, but that it was a span of 2 years between the time you met your wife and broke it off with the old girlfriend. So does that mean for 2 years you were dating them both at the same time?!?!?!?!

Malek said...

that was down the aisle...LOL See what happen when you don't blog often you can't spell or form sentences!!! LOL

Brooke said...

Exactly Jay. It's just like when I say that I hope I miss the opportunity to have kids and my friends say "you can borrow mine." I know they mean well, but "sharing" yours when I may be able to have my own isn't the same thing, just like having the love of a sister or a mother or father or a friend isn't the same as having the love of a partner. Not all types of love are the same.

Again, I know people mean well by it, but I find that only my coupled up friends say that, not my single ones...which is very telling to me.

I don't have a problem dating different people and keeping my options open, but I think the problem comes with the romantic notion of love. I think some people are lucky enouugh to find that "thing." But do I think it's commonplace? Absolutely not.

Brooke said...

meant to say "DON'T miss the opportunity to have kids"

Malek, you and I are having the same problem today - all these typos! LOL!

Anonymous said...

Why should we let go of what we feel are ideal qualities IN A PARTNER? I mean do you stay with a person that treats you great but has no ambition? Do you say well 1 out of 2 ain't bad? Or she is great in bed but she doesn’t cook for me, meanwhile a woman that can cook is one of your criteria. Don’t get me wrong I do appreciate that no one is perfect, but I just can take in the idea of compromising what you want in a partner just because of the risk of being alone.

Brooke- as gorgeous as you are...I actually had a chance to meet you in person once at that pool hall on Queens Blvd ( Play?) and you are more stunning in person!! I think that you are in the driver seat and have a plethora of choices. Sounds cliché but you have too much to offer a man for you to even contemplate settling!

Also you said the older woman looked very affluent? I think her decision may possibly be economically motivated if you catch my drift! May not be but.....

Floyd

Anonymous said...

Stef..dated for 10 broke up...
2 years alone (wife not in the equation)
Meet wife. Date for 4 years.

Married!

That is pretty much the timeline!

Floyd

Brooke said...

Floyd? We met? When??? It couldn't have been at my birthday party could it??

Thank you by the way!

I don't think I'm in "settling" mode...at least not yet. I think I question more of what my idea of real love is. I believe there will come a time in a relationship when the looks will fade and the "spark" diminishes, and that's when you have the opportunity for REAL love to grow - because it's not based on a physical or chemical thing - but on true friendship and respect. I guess I have to examine if my thoughts about love are realistic or not, and not just something built of fairy-tales.

One thing I do agree with Floyd is that we become the perfect partner when we feel comfortable enough within ourselves to feel safe revealing who we truly are. If we find someone who can accept that, and us in them, then the chance for real love is there. Finding the love of God in yourself, and finding the love you want begins with yourself. If you want to feel love, you have to express love. You want to see love, you have to show love. You want to get love, you have to give it. You just have to hope you give it to a deserving person.

Jay said...

Brooke, not to get all "cable guy" on you (where is he by the way?) but I agree with Floyd. I think you are truly exceptional, so settling shouldn't be in your vocabulary. From the little I know of you, you are a catch.

But also like Floyd said too, he was with a "catch" for 10 years and there is no spark. Just because someone may seem great doesn't mean it's meant to be or that someone else can see it. While it may seem obvious to US that you're a great catch, that doesn't mean that we all want to marry you. I guess it does take a special something :)

However, I'm sure if I ever did meet you, the sparks would HAVE to fly, because you seem like a great woman. If you ARE dating right now, I hope that that man (or men) realize what a prize you are and don't make the mistakes I made.

Anonymous said...

Amanda introduced Addy and me to you albeit briefly... I think that you guys went to bowl and I went to shoot pool! I have one of those forgettable faces so its all good! This was a while ago though!

Floyd

Stef said...

Ah, I get it now. I was about to say!

That 2 years alone probably helped. Most times we jump right into another relationship. At least you wasn't that guy who just up and married the very next chick that came along without taking some time for self first. I'm sure after 10 years, you needed some time to reflect and re-focus. Good story...and congrats Floyd!

So your daughter's name is really gonna be Brooke???

Anonymous said...

Nah I needed time to see what I really wanted for myself. I finished my secondary degree and was cool with doing me!

I love the name Brooke!! Because my last name begins with a B I will call her BB or something. I think Brooke Addison has a lovely ring to it!! I would prefer Brooke Angelina but the Mrs...isn't hearing letting me have all of the naming rights! LOL

Floyd

Brooke said...

I saw your wedding photos on FB and thought you looked familiar - I think it's coming back to me now :) But you don't have a forgettable face!!

I love the name Brooke Addison, but I might be biased :) Congrats again! She'll be here soon!

Jay, you're sweet :) Thank you.

Some of our usual suspects ARE missing today. I would have loved to get Pretty Ricky's take on this subject :)

Georgia Peach said...

Just have to say what a FANTASTIC blog today. You have me thinking for real and I can totally understand the older woman's point of view. It's deep. Thanks for sharing.

Brooke said...

Thanks Glee! Your blogs on FB are great too! I miss you! I hope you're having a blast over there!

Anonymous said...

Thanks! When I was younger I studied as this music school in the city and there was a girl that attended the school with me that I was so crazy for. I asked her out and rather than just giving me a plain no, she goes "you have a face that I will never forget"...I was so gassed and just smiling from ear to ear and then she proceeds to say " That wasn't meant to be a compliment"

Your comment just made me remember that! and if Annamaria comment holds to be true that the girls take after their daddy's.....ohhhh booooy!

I hope you all have a Great Weekend!

Floyd

Brooke said...

LMAO!! Floyd, you're crazy!

Well, I DID mean that as a compliment, so there! Later for that chick!

She's probably all mean and lonely to this DAY! Ha!

Your daughter will be Beautiful Brooke, no question!

You have a great weekend too, and thanks for the discussion!

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