Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Dating in the Jungle

Happy Hump Day!

Okay, so today's blog is coming straight from Rameer's Facebook status. He sent me a message saying this subject might spark some conversation - so let's see where it takes us. This was his status:

Memo 2 women: this is 2009. No man is going 2 CHASE u 4ever. If a man expresses interest and u like him but don't pull the trigger, don't act surprised when he quickly moves on 2 the next woman. Remember what Kanye told y'all: "it's a thousand yous; it's only ONE OF ME..."

Leave it to Rameer and Mr. West :-)

Now...we've had this discussion before - so this blog won't be written all fancy-like with lofty language. Let's go at it "real talk" style shall we?

We (women) outnumber you. That's just a fact. Even if all women and men were single, available, ready and willing, there wouldn't be enough of you to go around. It's just the way it is.

Now, I totally get what Rameer is saying. If the numbers are against us, then maybe women need to be a little more aggressive, creative and open when it comes to approaching men and relationships. It's almost like it's survival of the fittest out there. Not almost...it is.

But hold up.

Does that mean we become the man? We do the chasing now? Is that what's its come to?

I don't know about other cities, but in the NYC, men want you to chase THEM. Oh, and don't let them have all their teeth, a good job, never been married and have no kids. Then you better put your fly pink Nike's on and start chasing these fools...cuz they ain't coming after you.

They KNOW they got it going on and have no problem telling you that you better get your weight up if you want to be with them. They will quickly remind you that they have at least 10 other women lined up and waiting for you to drop the ball, so front if you want to.

Bitchassness?

Yes.

Truth?

Absof*ckinlutely.

And it doesn't matter if you're a woman who's got her sh*t together. There are WAY more women out there who are "good catches" than are men - and they know it. I'm no slouch, by any means, but dating has proven difficult for me and countless other single women I know - and we're growing weary.

Weary...not because we're not willing to put out the work. Weary...not because we don't put ourselves out there.

But weary because we see what we want, we go after it, and we STILL end up holding the short end of the stick because the men we want usually want us and every other woman out there. They have a big ole fat cake and they're eating it too. They don't see us as their match. They see us as one of many, and they're always looking for something better.

I get not wanting to settle. I get that. No one should. But if you find someone who has at least 80% of what you're looking for, that's still damn good - but not good enough. There are no perfect people, yet I find most men (and women) want it ALL. And they will stop at nothing to get it...or at least try.

It's not until he's 40 and the old man in the club that he'll decide that maybe what he has is good enough. It's not until he's dated around and realizes that ain't shit else out there and he let a good one go. It's not until she's through being dogged over by the "bad guy" that she decides that "nice guy" is who she should have settled down with. She plays games with the guy who returns her phone calls on time and takes her out on actual dates, while pining after that scrub with the killer smile.

It's a vicious cycle...dating in the jungle.

So what do we do? Stop playing games? Decide what we want, go after it, and hope he wants us back? Give up? Do you? Do me? Or is this a deeper issue when it comes to 'us' and relationships in our community - and we have yet to scratch the surface?

Somebody please break it down for me so it can forever and consistently be broke...in REAL TALK.

-b

36 comments:

DMoe said...

first!!! bitches!!

THATgirl said...

Sigh...come on people.

You know what it is.

Yes, I stalk this blog.

FIRST bitches!!

THATgirl said...

FINE.

I was tired of being first anyway. DMoe's a stalker!!!


LOL

Ms. Patra-son said...

LOL u guys are crazy

Brooke said...

You'd think they hit the lotto :)

THATgirl said...

I wish I had something to add, but it appears that Brooke has been reading me and my homegirl's weekly, if not daily, gmail chat transcripts. We literally go back and forth with this regularly. It's effed up, it's unfair...but we're in the mindset that what God has for us is for us, and when the right one comes along, it's gonna work how its supposed to. We'll put in our work, THAT guy will appreciate it, he'll reciprocate it, then comes love, then comes marriage--and you've heard the rest.

NightFall914 said...

All the you chase I chase you stuff is pretty tiring to me.

First off, within those huge numbers of females are many that I wouldn't touch with my worst enemies dicC so the number matter little to me.

I think the point is that if intentions are clear and you genuinely like a person. Then act on it. No one male or female keeps the door open forever.

I spent years with the door open to for a certain lady now she's "come around" but I'm not in the same position as I was before.

Capture the present because the future is a mystery.

Brooke said...

I agree NightFall, if I like you and you like me, then what is the problem? I find that too many men I've met over the past 5 years have this mentality that I should have to "work" for them, or "prove myself" to them so that they'd give me the time of day.

I'm sure women do the same thing.

It's crazy to me. What ever happened to people just LIKING each other?

DMoe said...

Dear Thatgirl (aka Hate Blanchett)

Don't be mad....Just be....faster.

LMAO.

Nice topic Brookey.

Dating in the jungle seems to be all about the attitudes of the animals that roam this actual jungle.

The problem has become that dudes in the jungle have started walking around with calculators tabulating the odds and whatnot. Walking around like "damn, its a bunch of lionesses up in here....I'm straight!!!"

They are forgetting the actual part where they should be still be hunting in that cool-ass "no matter what you do, im gonna chase yo azz down and eat you" way, cuz I'm a Lion, and that's how we do it. They should still be holdin' down the spot, and storing food for the winter. After all, that's what Lionesses are naturally paying attention to.

Women on the other hand, seem to still be spinning the same wheel of "exact specifcations" without regard to the limits of "the dying herd" of men out there.

Its basic - If there are LESS choices in lions (aka men), it should seem EASIER to spot the cub that has the potential to one day rule his own pride well and sport a fly-ass coat while he does so.

But these days, the lioness (aka women) are still saying, "but MY lion HAS TO have a 4 inch mane, his coat HAS To be completely shiny and there should NEVER be any flies around him or the prey he drags in. Ever. EWWW..."

Enough of the jungle talk. There are things that can be seen out there in the dating world that just translate to certain things when you get up close on somebody. We all know the signs that point to "HELL NO" for men and women. Don't ignore those, but don't be afraid to face them in the "DATING" phase either.

After all, that's one of the big things THAT phase is all about.

DMufasa

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

I'm not gonna tase DMoe or ThatGirl... but I sure as heck is about to start shootin pinky toes off!!!!

Brooke... I don't know what the solution is. It's almost a vicious cycle at this point. There's a part of me that is thinking... "All those nice girls that are single...probably passed over a guy who really cared for them in the past... good for y'all stankin a$$e$!" But there is another part of me that is truly scared for the "black Family" because it seems we have things all *uck*d up! Why wouldn't you want to find a nice women to settle down with and have some kids and raise a family a family again... because you want to *uck different women? Part of me says grow up! Now don't get me wrong... I love vajajay just like the rest of them... and variety of anything is always nice. But shyt... I liked playing kickball everyday when i was in school... but then I grew up.

Brooke said...

DMoe, I totally get what you're saying. And yes, it should be easier to spot the cub out there.

And we do see him.

But here's the thing (playing Devil's Advocate). He sees us too. He sees us looking at him. And most of these cubs, while good dudes, have free reign to play the field as they see fit. It doesn't mean he's not a nice guy - it just means he has choices that he exercises freely. Oh we see him alright, be he sees us too - TRUST ME.

I guess that's the biggest issue women are having trouble with these days. No single woman I know worth her salt has a problem approaching a man, striking up a conversation, being the aggressor, doing the chasing, none of that. And they're not playing this game of "he has to have" - cuz quite frankly...we're too old for that now and we know better.

But the men we go after LIKE being sought, they like being chased, not by just YOU, but by you and every girl within 100 feet of you. And they won't settle until they've exhausted ALL possibilities instead of trying to commit to one person who could truly be good for them.

Pretty Ricky, so you're saying it's a maturity thing?

Kat said...

Well I must say I am thoroughly enjoying the responses...THATgirl and I always joke about "Insert woman here ______"....it's a joke...but there is a lot of truth to it...In my opinion,a lot of it has to do with timing....when HE is ready.

The Cable Guy said...

Brooke, I actually feel for women out there nowadays, you included. I mean, what possible explanation could there be why you're still single. I don't get that, so the only logical thing I can come up with is dudes are stupid. And we are. We think with our d*cks the majority of the time, we're afraid of getting close, we want to puff our feathers a bit. Until we get lonely and think back to that chick that was there for us making us feel special...and we f*cked that sh*t up royally.

And I agree, women nowadays will kill their mother to get at a man, they're relentless! I don't think men have a problem chasing us at all, but as a true lion, I don't like that sh*t. I WANT to do the chasing, it makes me feel better when I catch a worthwhile woman.

(that's why I'm gonna be beatin my chest when I win Brooke's fine ass!)

yes, ya'll outnumber us - but not every women out there is a catch. There are just as many Shaneneh's out there as there are Flavor Flavs, so we men need to wise up and stop bullsh*ttin.

DMoe said...

Brookey...

Excellent points made, but as stated: the attitudes are what this is all about. See, the real deal cub is humble and contrite. As a result, his roar doesnt quite have the depth of the other ones.

As a result, he has a tendency to be missed. But that wasn't the cub you were speaking of. The cub that everybody's checkin' has the air you talked about. He gets to pick/choose and acts like it.

You made a great point on that. But everybody should realize this:

Men do get to pick, but women --- ultimately "decide."


Dmoe

The Cable Guy said...

I meant to say I don't think WOMEN have a problem chasing us...lol

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Brooke..what other reason would you give up a seemingly endless supply of vajajay!

When a man is ready to settle down...when he's matured to that state..he'll see what he wants... and chase her a$$ down. then all you have to do is figure out how to keep his punk a$$...cuz at that point... he's is absolutely powerless.

Brooke said...

I don't know if I agree with us "deciding" anymore. We either give up or settle. I don't have a gang of friends "deciding" on which man they should choose.

But I see what you're saying. So if the cub doesn't roar, how do we see him? He has to make himself available for us to see in order for us to chase him too! :) After all, it works that way for you too. Men don't go after the quiet chick in the corner, they go after the one making alot of noise with her parts hanging out :) Not all men, but you get my point...

Kat, I agree with you too. It doesn't matter how great of a woman you are, if the man isn't ready, he won't see you or anyone else. Women meet a man, fall in love and "decide" (as DMoe said) that she wants to be with HIM. Men, on the otherhand, decide they want to settle down, and then find the woman they want...usually the one who just happens to be around at the time...whether he loves her as much as the last one or not.

DMoe said...

uh...

As for what Pretty Rick just said, I agree 300%.

Once the "coochie dust" settles, a man can see what's really important.

That can also be known as:
"Coochie smoke" and/or "Coochie fog".

LMAO.


Dmoe

Brooke said...

I can see this blog is quickly going to the left :)

And you know what, i agree with that. I guess the women nowadays are waiting for that "coochie smoke" to clear...which doesn't happen til the man can't get it up no more!

I don't know a man alive who gets tired of "coochie smoke." :)

As they said in The Best Man - "ain't nothing better than p*ssy but some NEW p*ssy!"

Tell me I'm lyin...

DMoe said...

Uh no...Your not lying.

BUT - There are some chicks who just don't "deserve" the HBI.

And trust me, at a certain point in life, "blind humpin" gets played.

That's what I'm talkin' about...

"Coochie Smoke" is another entity altogether.
Dmoe

Brooke said...

I have a meeting now, but I want y'all to hold it down for me for a sec while I'm gone - I'm gonna read from my blackberry what you guys come up with.

Since DMoe seems to be the expert, he can hold it down...

and he can explain the difference between what we're talking about and "coochie smoke."

What the hell is "blind humping" anyway? :)

Latinegro said...

I wasnt going to comment because right now I refuse to enter the jungle. I refuse to go there right now. People play too many games and honestly, I am not chasing anyone. I will make a friend and if it progresses fine, if not...then back in the jungle you go.

We can say men are stupid..and for the most part, we are. But lets not be so naieve as to say that women do not play game since this is comepetition. Nor shall we forget the fact that a good dude can and will be taken advantage of.

I am just sayin...you can all swing the vines with the rest of the monkeys in this jungle. I will in the field writing my book.

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

So mad at coochie dust, coochie fog and coochie smoke???

And women...I'm going to give you a tip right now. It is soooooooooooo useless to really chase a man. Because a man can not be got like that. Now I agree... you have to make sure a man sees his opportunity to come get you...kinda wonder off from the heard a little bit. Stroke our ego's a little bit.. because we do have such a big...eh eh eh ego! But when it really comes down to it... a man wants to be challenged to an extent. A man wants to feel like it got something... he really doesn't deserve. He really wants to be with that girl that makes his friends go "Dammmmmmmmmmmm how'd you get with her." (That's not always superficial either)

Even Latinegro does not want to be with a women who was easy to get (Despite what he says) We want a women that wants us but don't need us!

Brooke said...

so if it's useless to chase you, then what is Rameer talking about in his FB status? :-)

so chasing you is a bad thing?

momo925 said...

Ok well what constitutes easy? Does not playing games = easy, because I feel that some of you men seem to think so. You spend all this time chasing a woman and the minute she says "ok you got me" it's like a magic switch flipped on and you don't want the prize anymore. Now the chase is finished and the thrill is gone? Or maybe there never was a chase...maybe the minute you eyed her she did the same with you.... you conversed and she decided "wow I really like him too".. you call...she answers...you want to go out ..she's available! Does that mean because things are flowing, because she's just as excited to spend time with you as you are with her, because she's not playing phone tag and pretending like she's busy when she really isn't, that now she's easy?

He wants to be with the girl who makes his friends go "Daaaaaaaaaaamn"! lol Well let me tell you...some of you guys have male friends that are haters... Crabs in a barrel that don't want to see the other person happier than they are... same guys that want a permanent partner to raid the clubs with...same ones that are quick to call you whipped b/c you dare to spend time w/ the female in your life that you care about.

I am not one for chasing a man, but why should I make it super difficult for or play games with one that is interested in me??

Brooke said...

Now Mo, I think you're on to something. If you don't play games, smile back at him when he makes eye contact, take his calls, show genuine interest...AND you seem like a catch, they don't want you. They want the crazy chick that drives them to drink. If you have ALL these great things going for you AND you seem interested in HIM, then something must be wrong. Why is that!!!???

Men ask me all the time why I'm single - yet they don't ask me out. I feel like if you don't want to date me, then YOU tell ME why I'm single...cuz I don't get it.

Rameer said...

UM...

I didn't say it was useless to chase. I said no man is going to chase YOU FOREVER. Some of y'all like to play games and keep a brotha on lay-a-way...I'm not the one.

And let's be clear - I'm not any of these people described or referred to in these posts. Here's what I wrote explaining my situation:

"I was talking this woman 2nite, who told me she really liked me at one point and wish we had got 2gether. I said "well, whose fault was THAT?" She proceeds 2 tell me if I thought she was attractive, I should have pursued her harder. Um...I BLATANTLY asked this woman out and TOLD HER I'd like 2 see what's up with us...

Being that we both had busy lives, I stopped trying 2 set up a date and literally told her: "I'm going 2 leave the ball in YOUR COURT. When u r free, let me know and I will try 2 accommodate YOUR SCHEDULE."

Chick never hit me about setting nothing up...but has the nerve 2 tell me she was insulted and hurt when she found out I had moved on and had a girlfriend?? WHAT?!? Like I was s'posed 2 be sitting by the phone just *waiting* 4 her 2 decide 2 arrange a date??

I swear. A lot of y'all just don't *get* it."

If everyone was privy to the entire 60 comment convo (!) they'd realize how deep it got and the good points that my boy James made. I'm a good dude, and I know what I bring to the table. Very few women on this Earth can say anything bad about me in the relationship sense. I, like a number of men, are not going to be waiting to woo a woman for a gazillion years when she doesn't seem to be receptive/is playing hard-to-get when there are other options!

Said woman was mad that when SHE was ready to press forward, I had moved on and had a girlfriend. And my response is "oh well". She had ample opportunity. I don't wanna hear that bullsh*t that you were really feeling me and it might've been nice when YOU dropped the ball and now I'm past you and wouldn't consider you.

There's the context. Felt I needed to explain that.

Brooke said...

Well, you are an exception Rameer, and like I said, here in NYC, it's a totally different ball game.

I wish a man WOULD just come and say "I like you, I want to see where this can go."

You know how long it's been since I heard that? From a man who actually MEANS it? or one who was actually AVAILABLE?

If I was feeling a man and he said that to me, then let's go...no pussyfootin around. I think most women would LOVE to hear that, but the truth is, men nowadays don't say it cuz they wanna keep their options open. They know that by saying that, responsibility comes with it, it means you have to mean what you say, it means you have to stop bullsh*tting, it means you hvae to set your sights and focus on one woman and try to make it happen with her. And not too many men these days are willing to do that.

Rameer said...

Y'know, I disagree. For real.

The women on this blog talk like this is just the way men are. As I've discussed in the past, I can't argue with what you guys see out of the NYC men, and I used to say that they were some of the worse back in the 90's - and I KNOW it's gotten worse. But seriously. A lot of the things I see some of y'all post is all the "it's their fault" syndrome. And I refuse to believe EVERY WOMAN on here is just this beautiful flower waiting to be plucked with no flaws or fault as to why they are not with anyone.

I know PLENTY of women in the NYC area. GOOD ones, too. They're in relationships and/or married. They found their mates there. How did THAT little miracle occur? Hmmm??

All I'm saying...I think in these relationship posts on here, there's some serious lack of self-reflection and self-analysis with some of you. Which ones, I don't know, cuz I'm more acclimated with some people more than others.

But I was taught that if the world has a problem with me, it can't just be that everyone else had a secret meeting to gang up on me. I play my part, too.

Brooke said...

I agree Rameer, and I think I try to be fair in assessing both men and women, myself included.

I'll be the first one to take some constructive criticism, cuz if I'm not the one for whatever reason, tell me what that reason is. Tell ME why I'm single..tell ME what I'm doing wrong. I'm all ears! Break it down for me!

I know I'm far from perfect, in many ways. But the thing is, we ALL are flawed. But it's wanting to work with a flawed person to build something with each other that matters. I know I'm not going to find a perfect man, cuz one doesn't exist. I know I'm not perfect, but I want someone who will take me flaws and all - and not look past me to see what else is out there simply cuz he thinks a perfect woman exists.

Just like we women on the blog may give the vibe that we're this perfect flower waiting to be plucked, the men on this blog all are singing the "I was a nice guy back in the day and I STILL am and now y'all bitter bitches want us."

Uh, newsflash, you all weren't these "nice guys" that we somehow missed. And now that some of you "nice guys" have come into your own and got a lil sway with you, you're not as "nice" as you used to be because now you know you're the cream of the crop and you can be selective (read: date several women at a time and make them chase you and pay dearly for not noticing you sooner). As you say, I can't speak for EVERY man on here, since I only know a few, and I wouldn't generalize about men period, but come on...it goes both ways.

Brooke said...

And yes, I know women who are from or living in NYC who are married, but they all married their high school/college sweethearts or they married a non-black man - all the ones I KNOW...jus sayin.

Anonymous said...

Brooke, you want me to break down why you're single? Okay, here goes. Cuz your ass is too fuckin nice. You give too many clowns the time of day that don't deserve it. Your too good for all these jokers, you make them feel like a fuckin man, and then they do what we men do. We start feelin ourselves, we wanna see if another woman sees what you see in us, and we go out and fuck it up. That's what we do. And after we lose you, we can't figure out how it happened and we're assed out, mad that you out dating the next clown. I can say all this cuz that's what I did. I'm just commenting anonymously cuz I don't wanna put your business out there, but truth of the matter is, you're single cuz no one out there is good enough for you.

Your one of the few women out there I know who is the total package, so it's gonna take you ALOT longer to find your king, cuz they ain't out there in mass numbers. Just whatever you do, don't settle - which I dont' think you'd do anyway, cuz if you did, you'd be with me. And you deserve way more than that. Thats why your single.

Rameer said...

I can't speak for any faux nice guys. But I'll say this on the record - I'm NOT a nice guy. Never have been, never will be.

I'm nice to whomever is nice to me. And above all else, I'm REAL.

Most people who knew me then say I'm the same way now. So, speaking solely on myself, I advise anyone to look in the toilet if they think my sh*t done changed...

It hasn't. Same ol' g...

But I hear you on it going both ways. And most of the guys on here are NYC guys, so who knows? Maybe some ARE faking the funk. I can't defend guys I don't even know...I can only speak about myself and dudes I DO know.

I'm out!

Brooke said...

well damn...uh...thanks...I think?

But I'm not deluded enough into thinking that I'm single cuz there's no man out there good enough for me. I just realize that for some, I'm just not their cup of tea, for whatever reason. I'm fine with that. But it's the ones who bombard me with compliments, tell me how great I am and wonder why I'm single that confuse me - cuz if I'm so great, then why haven't you asked me out then? :)

The answer is, and Monica and I joke about this all the time - "he's just not that into me." :)

Brooke said...

bye Rameer!

Georgia Peach said...

Hey Brooke -

I just wanted to say that I feel your pain (of course you know this)! I tend to agree with ThatGirl's first comment, but you know what if it's not in the cards for me to be married then I'm ok with it. Look at me - I moved to another country and I hope that maybe I'll meet a nice man over here. Again if it doesn't work out then NEXT.

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