Monday, August 17, 2009
So last Friday, while talking to a male friend, he suggested I write a blog on "cuddling." He said, "I wish a woman could just f*ck me and roll over and go to sleep." He "encouraged" me to write about it. I think that was his way of asking me to tell women to get a clue.
"After sex, men are sleepy," he says. They want to roll over and catch some zzzz's, not cuddle. Or, he says, "It's hot, and he doesn't want you all up on him laying across his chest." And finally he continues, "Sometimes, we just want you to leave. It's nothing personal - it's just a "man thing."
He then goes on to say that sometimes he excuses himself to the bathroom and leans over the sink asking himself what he should say to get her to get up and get the hell on. If you hear him say this, take this as your cue:
"Wow...I have to work early tomorrow morning. I need to get some sleep."
"What time do you have to work in the morning?"
The most likely explanation for the post-coital snooze is that a chemical called prolactin released after sex makes men sleepy. Its purpose is to induce rest during his "recovery period" - the time it takes him to get it back up. Of course women find it odd that the race car that just ravaged them has run out of gas, but it's really just his way of "re-fueling." Of course, HE will say something like, "Girl, you wore me out!" or that because he was "puttin' in work" trying to please us, WE made him sleepy. Now I understand that all the exertion of stroking, sucking, thrusting, shifting and squirming for any time longer than say, ten seconds, makes it impossible to keep his eyes open - but prolactin goes to work whether he lasts for 2 minutes or 2 hours. The physical exertion isn't what makes him want to turn his back to you and go to sleep, the chemical release is. It has nothing to do with us ladies :-)
Note: If we fall asleep next to you, it could be that you wore us out too - but chances are, we want to be laying next to you when you wake up just in case you're ready to go again. At least that's why I do it ;-)
But let's say prolactin isn't the culprit. Maybe it's just too hot in there after y'all just got done doing the nasty, and he doesn't want your hot, sweaty body all pressed up on or draped across him. Maybe he just wants you to back up a bit, lay in the wet spot, and let him get his snore on.
Or - and this is a doozie - maybe he's just not that into you. Now I know that sounds odd considering he just got done blowing your back out. But men can separate sex from emotions - easily. As a matter of fact, he may PURPOSELY not cuddle with you as not to give you any wrong ideas. Just like men release prolactin, women release oxytocin after sex...which is a "feel good" chemical that makes women want to bond. It gives us the "intimacy" response most men shy away from. We want to hold you close and gaze into your eyes while you're trying to figure out how to get rid of us, or how long you should hold us before it's "okay" to roll over.
For alot of women, we want to cuddle so that we don't feel like we just got "f*cked" - even if we did. It's our way of justifying being with a man who we KNOW just wanted to hit it. Sex for sex's sake makes us feel guilty, so we tell ourselves that if he cuddles with us, he must really like us. And some men oblige us because they want us to feel okay about what just happened...so that we'll be inclined to do it again.
Or...and this is a BIG OR...some men don't like to cuddle afterward for fear that they might actually tie sex and intimacy together. They don't wanna catch feelings.
The funniest thing my friend said to me during the entire conversation was that a woman wanting to cuddle with him messes up his "afterglow"...his post-orgasm "high." He has a moment of clarity after sex, and her making pillow talk, asking probing questions and/or spooning interrupts his temporarily lucid mind just before he drifts off to la-la-land.
Instead of pulling on his shoulder asking him how he feels or if he cares about you...let him drift - that is, if he allows you to stay til morning in the first place. If you sense you're wrecking his high, simply get up and go, or turn over and go to sleep...and don't take it personally. It's okay to have sex for the sake of the act itself, and it's ridiculous for women to believe that separating sex and intimacy is inherently degrading. It doesn't mean he objectified you. And come on girl, you know you just needed him to take the edge off anyway, no need to try to cuddle to justify it.
And it's just as ridiculous for men to claim that a woman's need for intimate connection during and after sex is some type of burdensome dependency need or that she wants to have your baby. Intimacy can enhance pleasure or detract from it. Cuddling can be a springboard to an intense emotional connection or an obstacle to it. Drawing battle lines about what's healthy or not when it comes to love and sex is silly and usually serves neurotic purposes. He didn't cuddle with you? So what. Just let it go...and sing him a lullaby.
p.s. Men: if she insists on some after-lovin cuddlin' - do one or two of the following for at least 5 minutes:
Stroke her hair
Kiss her forehead
Touch/caress her face
Gently rub your hands up and down her arms
Intertwine your fingers with hers
Gently rub her back
Look her in her eyes and say "thank you"
That should hold her over...til you get it back up anyway ;-)