Monday, August 17, 2009

Cuddling...or Not

Happy Monday!

So last Friday, while talking to a male friend, he suggested I write a blog on "cuddling." He said, "I wish a woman could just f*ck me and roll over and go to sleep." He "encouraged" me to write about it. I think that was his way of asking me to tell women to get a clue.

"After sex, men are sleepy," he says. They want to roll over and catch some zzzz's, not cuddle. Or, he says, "It's hot, and he doesn't want you all up on him laying across his chest." And finally he continues, "Sometimes, we just want you to leave. It's nothing personal - it's just a "man thing."

He then goes on to say that sometimes he excuses himself to the bathroom and leans over the sink asking himself what he should say to get her to get up and get the hell on. If you hear him say this, take this as your cue:

"Wow...I have to work early tomorrow morning. I need to get some sleep."


"What time do you have to work in the morning?"

The most likely explanation for the post-coital snooze is that a chemical called prolactin released after sex makes men sleepy. Its purpose is to induce rest during his "recovery period" - the time it takes him to get it back up. Of course women find it odd that the race car that just ravaged them has run out of gas, but it's really just his way of "re-fueling." Of course, HE will say something like, "Girl, you wore me out!" or that because he was "puttin' in work" trying to please us, WE made him sleepy. Now I understand that all the exertion of stroking, sucking, thrusting, shifting and squirming for any time longer than say, ten seconds, makes it impossible to keep his eyes open - but prolactin goes to work whether he lasts for 2 minutes or 2 hours. The physical exertion isn't what makes him want to turn his back to you and go to sleep, the chemical release is. It has nothing to do with us ladies :-)

Note: If we fall asleep next to you, it could be that you wore us out too - but chances are, we want to be laying next to you when you wake up just in case you're ready to go again. At least that's why I do it ;-)

But let's say prolactin isn't the culprit. Maybe it's just too hot in there after y'all just got done doing the nasty, and he doesn't want your hot, sweaty body all pressed up on or draped across him. Maybe he just wants you to back up a bit, lay in the wet spot, and let him get his snore on.

Or - and this is a doozie - maybe he's just not that into you. Now I know that sounds odd considering he just got done blowing your back out. But men can separate sex from emotions - easily. As a matter of fact, he may PURPOSELY not cuddle with you as not to give you any wrong ideas. Just like men release prolactin, women release oxytocin after sex...which is a "feel good" chemical that makes women want to bond. It gives us the "intimacy" response most men shy away from. We want to hold you close and gaze into your eyes while you're trying to figure out how to get rid of us, or how long you should hold us before it's "okay" to roll over.

For alot of women, we want to cuddle so that we don't feel like we just got "f*cked" - even if we did. It's our way of justifying being with a man who we KNOW just wanted to hit it. Sex for sex's sake makes us feel guilty, so we tell ourselves that if he cuddles with us, he must really like us. And some men oblige us because they want us to feel okay about what just that we'll be inclined to do it again.

Or...and this is a BIG OR...some men don't like to cuddle afterward for fear that they might actually tie sex and intimacy together.
They don't wanna catch feelings.

The funniest thing my friend said to me during the entire conversation was that a woman wanting to cuddle with him messes up his "afterglow"...his post-orgasm "high." He has a moment of clarity after sex, and her making pillow talk, asking probing questions and/or spooning interrupts his temporarily lucid mind just before he drifts off to la-la-land.

Instead of pulling on his shoulder asking him how he feels or if he cares about you...let him drift - that is, if he allows you to stay til morning in the first place. If you sense you're wrecking his high, simply get up and go, or turn over and go to sleep...and don't take it personally. It's okay to have sex for the sake of the act itself, and it's ridiculous for women to believe that separating sex and intimacy is inherently degrading. It doesn't mean he objectified you. And come on girl, you know you just needed him to take the edge off anyway, no need to try to cuddle to justify it.

And it's just as ridiculous for men to claim that a woman's need for intimate connection during and after sex is some type of burdensome dependency need or that she wants to have your baby. Intimacy can enhance pleasure or detract from it. Cuddling can be a springboard to an intense emotional connection or an obstacle to it. Drawing battle lines about what's healthy or not when it comes to love and sex is silly and usually serves neurotic purposes. He didn't cuddle with you? So what. Just let it go.
..and sing him a lullaby.


p.s. Men: if she insists on some after-lovin cuddlin' - do one or two of the following for at least 5 minutes:

Stroke her hair
Kiss her forehead
Touch/caress her face
Gently rub your hands up and down her arms
Intertwine your fingers with hers
Gently rub her back
Look her in her eyes and say "thank you"

That should hold her over...til you get it back up anyway ;-)


Serena W. said...

FIRST B******!!!!!!!

DMoe said...

damn. the streak is broken.

Serena W. said...

I decided to jump on and check out the blog on this Monday morning and look at here, I made first!!!!!! No tasing Annamaria and Ms. Sophia!

Well that explains why they are oh so tired afterwards. If it's hot and you are all sweaty then I prefer a shower for real and please get a ceiling fan, central air or something if it's summer lol!

But yes men know how to separate the emotions from sex but a few ladies just can't. I know I can't and that's why I stay to myself until I do meet a man that is so into me that he isn't just seeing me for sex.

But yes ladies take your cue to not get your feelings hurt. If he's talking about early morning meetings, he's beat, etc then bounce. If anything flip it and say, "Yeah I have to work early too and not cause a drama scene."

The older I get the less drama I want in my life even in the bedroom lol.

Serena W. said...

Sorry DMoe ;-)

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

So that's why I fall asleep!!! I never knew! My cuddling depends on the time of day it is.

-If it's a romantic thing, we've planned it... there's candles and music playing... I'm all for the cuddle. (Probably cuz I'm hoping for round two)

-Nighttime to cap off the day. Roll your ass over and go to sleep. And get your heavy ass head off my arm. I'm not going to have any feeling in it tomorrow morning.

-Morning... stop playing I gotta go to work and/or get on facebook.

-Quickie's... you know the deal

-Lunchtime nookie... if we can combine it with a bologna sammich... I can cuddle a little.

-Vacation... I'm tryna set world records for most sex in a day. Whatever ever you need me to do to keep you wanting more. Let's spoon..cuz once I'm ready again we're already to go!

Did I miss anything?

Brooke said...

Serena!!!! I missed you!

DMoe, you only win when I write my blogs late or in the morning :)

Pretty Ricky, I think you covered everything :)

-V- said...

Two words: ceiling fan.

She can use your arm as a pillow while you still cool off. It's money.

Then she gets her cuddle and you can still pass out in cool comfort.

The Fury said...

What about those of us that on occasion get energized by sex? Do we get an extra jolt of adrenaline? Come on with the answer, Brooke!!

I've had cuddle moments and not-so cuddly moments. Some times it's connected to the person, some times it's connected to the temperature. Yeah, blazing hot day like today...umm...lay over there please AC, ceiling fan or not.

however, I have never met a woman that didn't appreciate the things Brooke wrote at the end. Good looking. About "Thank you", am I the only person that feels a little funny saying it even when you REALLY mean it and have no other words but grateful appreciation?

Brooke said...

Fury, orgasms invigorate me - so that extra jolt of adrenaline? Yeah, I'm all about that :)

All women like everything on that list - which is why I gave it to you - you're welcome.

And "thank you" ALWAYS works - if it's sincere.

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Substitute Thanks for..."Good lookin' out!"

Brooke said...

Here's a question for the men - do any of you actually LIKE to cuddle? Or is that not "manly?" Do you only do it cuz we want/like you to?

The Cable Guy said...

Men like to cuddle, just not with EVERYBODY. It depends on the person. Believe it or not, sometimes that's all we want to do - it's not always about it leading to foreplay or sex.

Something tells me your nice and cuddly Brooke - with that cute face :)

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Brooke.. i have to answer that behind the scenes.... because it may make me seem punkish! LMAO

But on the real... anything.. that may turn you on..and may make you want to give me some more. I am soooo down with!!!

Brooke said...

"Punkish"? LMAO!!!

Pretty Ricky, you ain't nobody's punk :)

Serena W. said...

I love your answers Pretty Ricky! And yeah I need feeling in my arm or how about breathing period when a brother is laid across the chest and ab area. Its nice for a little bit but dag on you're pressing the air out of me and yes I have to work in the morning too lol!

I think one of my requirements will be a ceiling fan. Its a must and will be a part of the criteria lol!

Brooke I missed you too sweetie! We'll chat more off line :)

Brooke said...

I had a ceiling fan when I lived in BK and never had an occasion to use sad is that? Pathetic.

Men's idea of cuddling is falling asleep on top of you, so I feel you Serena. Ever have a man just lay there...and then you gotta go pee, but you can't move cuz he's dead weight on top of you? You have to do the slide to the end of the bed and then roll him off :)

Rameer said...

I've been told I'm a great cuddler. But like Cable Dude said - not with EVERYBODY.

Nothing more to really add. You guys have offered up everything I could probably say.

Brooke said...

That's cuz you're a big ole teddy bear Rameer :-)

Rameer said...

I am NOT a teddy bear.

I am an insidious killing marauder who submerges my desire for blood, death and mayhem.

Brooke said...

You couldn't even say that with a straight face could you? ;)

Rameer said...

I am a ravenous force of unbridled hate, venom and malice.

This video sums me up in a nutshell, mere mortals:

Serena W. said...

Oh puleaze Rameer! Lol!

Brooke said...

exactly Serena, he ain't foolin nobody :)

Rameer, don't give my spot away for Fantasy Football! I'm still trying to think of my team name :)

DMoe said...

Consciously, I think all the "extras" or "lagniappe" is important with all of this. I don't really believe I possess the thing that makes me wanna detach immediately after. Probably because, that's the thing I wanted to attach to in the beginning.

However, in the event the lady in question just isn't cool to be around immediately after, I'll find a graceful, dignified way to create my space with regard to the feelings involved.

It should be an easy-going moment, cuz after all, it was easy going up to that.


Tony said...

Men cuddle with those that they are feeling or are hoping to feel in the future and do not want to cuddle with the "booty call." To them we say thanks as we are closing the door!

Brooke said...


but makes sense :-)

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