Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Happy Hump Day!
So Monica and I were in the gym last night, stretching on the mat, chatting, etc. I notice she zoned out for a second and didn't hear a word I said. Finally she snaps out of it:
"Whew, Ken's body is sick."
I should have known...I was tuned out for a man :-)
And she's right. Ken, a guy who frequents our gym, has a nice body. But unless you make it a point to tell me to look in his direction, he doesn't catch my eye. Not because he doesn't have a nice face, or bulging biceps...but because he looks like a convict to me. I know...that's so wrong - but full sleeve tattoos that read such things as "Show and Prove" just seems so..."Cell Block D" to me.
Now, let me preface this post by saying I have a bias against thug-looking dudes. I admit it. I know I'm judging a book by its cover, and that's wrong, but I can't help it. I've never been personally attracted to the "bad boy" type. I can appreciate their "alpha dog" appeal, but I've never wanted to date one...EVER.
Monica, on the other hand, said she likes a man with some “street edge.” And I get it. Most women are attracted to men who seem like they can handle themselves, and who can “handle” them too…whether it’s in the form of physical protection, or sexual prowess. And I think maybe when I was in my early 20’s, you could have convinced me that “street” was sexy in some way – because at that age, attraction and “excitement” were more important than say…a credit score. But even at a younger age, I never gravitated towards “street” or “thug” dudes. They just looked…ridiculous to me. And Ken in the gym working out in too baggy jeans, a wife beater, with timbs and a do-rag or baseball cap on cuz you think that “thug lust” look is sexy only confirms it for me - ridiculous.
Again I say, I’m judging and could be totally wrong about him…but I doubt it :-)
Anyway, I think “edge” and “thug” are a bit different. I think ALL men should be able to handle themselves and have some “street smarts” or common sense, not just “hood” dudes. You don’t have to have a lot of muscles to be a “real” man. Being a bad boy shouldn’t make you attractive or edgy - yet I find a lot of women I know, who are very well educated and middle class or higher, gravitate towards men who look more like felons than professors. And it makes me wonder if Black women take it a bit further than women of other races.
Now don’t get me wrong, “Becky” probably loves bad boys too. But to Becky, dating a black guy might be all the “edge” she needs – he’s a bad boy simply because he’s black. I know that sounds absurd, but probably true nonetheless.
But to a black woman, he can’t just be black or have street smarts. He has to boast a criminal record and be a “soldier.”
One woman I know, who grew up in a very suburban Pennsylvania town, said she was attracted to “thug dudes” because she needed a man who could “handle” her.
Crickets.
What exactly does that mean? How hard could it be to handle her “Leave it to Beaver” ass? I couldn’t do anything but laugh.
I know women subconsciously test men for strength, leadership abilities and overall dominance. It’s the “survival of the fittest” principle at its core. We don’t want a man we can walk all over who can’t stand up for himself, because if he can’t stand up to us, how can he protect us? Alpha male. I get it.
But does "thuggery" equal strength? Do muscles automatically make you an alpha male? Are educated men who have financial security less attractive because they can crush you with their intellect and their wallet rather than with their fists?
I don’t know if it’s just me, or if anyone else can say the same thing, but most men I’ve met who appear to be “bad boys” are complete assholes to date. It’s not like they were the strong, silent types who only looked like tigers on the outside, only to be teddy bears on the inside. Most times, if he walked like a thug and talked like a thug…he was a thug…with a mean stroke. And that’s about it.
I read that “Even though logically a woman may know these assholes or thugs are a bad choice, biologically and culturally they’ve been bred through hundreds of thousands of years of evolution to respond positively to dominant, alpha male traits on a primal, unthinking level.” I think this is totally true, because if we were to use our right mind, the beta male would seem WAY more attractive to us.
The Beta Male is the one who can provide for his family financially, is intelligent AND responsible, and successful. Yet he seems to be our second choice. The nerdy doctor or lawyer is no where near as fine as RayRay, Craig n’em, so we overlook him hoping that we can tame the drug dealer, or the NBA player. Yet when a woman of another race snags an “Obama” type, we sulk and complain and wonder how SHE got HIM. Well, she most likely got him because he didn’t possess the “street” or “thug” traits we were looking for - so he felt free to be himself with someone else without having to rob a bank to get our attention.
Now, I know this is pissing some of my sistas off because it seems like I’m generalizing and lumping all black women together. I’m not. I know not ALL of us want the bad boy, thug dude. But enough of us do to the point where I find it necessary to ask…why???
As grown women, don’t we want the man who can stimulate us mentally and not just physically? Who could probably walk into a bank armed with a 760 credit score and down payment for a house and who has a healthy portfolio and 401K? I’m not talking about someone you simply have sex with and keep as your dirty little secret. I’m talking about being booed up with the guy who can probably fight, but can’t walk into a job interview and nail it wowing everyone with his intellect and charm. I’m talking about the one who’s never been anywhere further than the 4 or 5 blocks of his neighborhood – and doesn’t care to see what else is out there. I’m talking about the one who can sex you down, but not complete a full sentence. That’s who I’m talking about.
And don’t get me wrong, there are corporate men out there who can rock a suit just as well as some jeans and timbs on the weekend. I’m not talking about them. I like versatile men just as much as the next woman. But I think you get my drift. Pookie n’em gets no play from me.
Again, I know I may be wrong in my assessment, and I can admit when I’m being narrow-minded…but is it just me? I know I may catch hell for this post, but somebody enlighten me…what am I missing?
Go!
-b
55 comments:
First Bitches!
FIRST BITCHES
DAMN U ANT!!!!!!!!!!
Give me a suited up dude with just one tattoo any day.
I don't need a man who looks like he very well might choke the isht out of me on a whim.
way too slow slow... I must be Thugnificent
LMAO SHUT UP ANT...
Brooke I agree 100% I don't want a man who looks like he is on parole...A tattoo doesn't make you a thug (since I have 4 & I'm far from a thug) but I get your drift...
I love a versitile man who can rock a suit one day & jeans & timbs another.. LOVE IT.. I think a man who can hold an INTELLECTUAL conversation is wonderful. POOKIE is straight up WACK..LOL
And call me CRAZY but I've always thought Clark Kent was sooo much HOTTER than Superman! LMAO
I agree Annamaria, having a tattoo doesn't make you a thug. I have one and I think we all would agree I'm far from "hood." I just don't get this whole "bad boy" thing with women I know my age. I think after the age of 25, Pookie shouldn't get so much as a second glance. I realize that maybe there's a Shenaynay out there for him, but I have women who grew up with white picket fences with MBA's and PHD's telling me they need a man who can "handle" them - as if they led a hardknock life or lived in a bullet-ridden neighborhood or something. I simply don't understand.
I think there are some women who are decision makers from 9-5 everyday enjoy being "handled" by men when they get home.
*WHO enjoy
(missed a word)
Okay, and that's fine...but handled how? Sexually? Are we saying he don't care if he can complete a sentence, so long as he lays our ass out?
I meant to type "are we saying WE don't care..."
sorry for the typos! :)
Brooke,
I get what you're saying, but women innately want an alpha male. It comes from hundreds of years of societal programming that the strong man makes for the best offspring. Intelligence sometimes is seen as weakness, so women don't want the "smart" guy, they want the big, muscular dude. I know it makes no sense nowadays in a civilized society, but many women still think that way - no matter what "class" they fall in.
I have to say though, most women I know who look for the hood dudes are hood themselves. The women in my circle seek out brainy men, not brawn. You love who you love, and everyone deserves it, but having muscles and being "street" isn't going to feed me and our kids and put a roof over our heads...at least legally anyway :)
I'm so glad a woman wrote this, because I totally agree and have been saying this forever now.
Women complain when a white woman, or any other woman who is not a woman of color, gets with a "good" black man - meaning rich, successful, intelligent, (and not a professional athlete) when they themselves would probably not have given him the time of day before someone else snatched them up.
I don't get it either. I think we value the wrong things sometimes, cuz men do it too. We look for the fat ass rather than the smart woman who can raise our kids and teach them how to spell, read and figure out the answer to a mathematical equation. We make poor choices and pay for it later because we're thinking with our loins rather than our brains.
Sad but true, and I don't think all women are like this, but a good number of them don't want the "nerdy" guy, they want Thugnificent and hold him down while he's in the pen.
LMAO @ "leave it to beaver ass"
There are SO many women like that who grew up in guarded, over protective households/environments who once you let them out, go buck wild and want the "forbidden dude." Thugs were never a part of their surroundings, so they seem exciting compared to the straight laced guy. It's not until he leaves you flat broke after ruining your credit that you come to your senses :)
I think there are more women like what you describe than you think. And it's one thing to date a blue collar guy vs. a white collar one - and dating a hood dude. Hood dudes can wear a suit too, so it may not be best to judge a book by his cover. I have tattoos, but not "jailhouse" ones :) I wear jeans and timbs, but I'm not a thug at all. But I know what you mean Brooke, and you didn't judge me based on my appearance, so maybe you're not as judgmental as you think.
I co-sign Jay/Hov to the fullest on this...
Ayo! Why iz u goin' so hard on me and my peepulz B! Yo..real talk... my tats got meanings..all mynigz that aint here, up north and of course all my childrens names iz on my arms..and i dont know if you this ...but in the united states of america..WE GOT THA RIGHT TO BARE ARMS...so get educated from this thug nation representa..i got mad intellects.and recognize if u dont like my tats...my doo rag..(keeps me mad wavy)..my TIMS in the summer...keeps my feet propa..(they be mad soft at the end of the day)..no mandals ma..ho homo..and of course my fitted...word up...how you gonaa have a hard body in ther gym..if you not representin New York Hard body in the streetz...with the fitted...naaaaw meaaan...so real talk...i know you feeling some kinda way right now..so ima let you do you..but to the other mommiez..get at me...Yolanda...i see you shinig ma...get at me. i mean why would you wanna deal with some herb that would let you get beat up in the streetz.....when you can that right at home with a real thug..so anyway..when you ready to "dont stop get it get it B...holla acha booooooy...
Real Talk aka.thuggerific..aka..Raekwavaon Understanding Magnifcent
A) that's the shortest sentence ever written by Rameer
B) it would be good for one of these thug lovers to define what they mean by handled. Is it just wanting a dominating man in the bedroom? A man who's a firm decision maker so you -as a woman- don't have to lift a finger?
Where are the thug lovers when you need them? LOL
@Cable Guy,
You don't look like a thug. Baggy jeans and timbs don't equal thug. I guess it's an overall image they give off. It's not about tattoos, or timbs or hats, it's a mentality. It's just something I think you can spot at first glance sometimes. Not ALL the time, and of course you have to talk to them and get to know them to confirm if your "thug theory" is true about them or not.
I'm not saying I turn all men away who don't wear suits or polo shirts. I'm saying my eyes glide right past a certain look. If you have a tattoo that says "187 Drive By" on it, chances are I won't talk to you.
And I know sometimes we do things when we're younger that we regret later - so that tattoo may not be who you are NOW...but I probably can't get past the fact that you EVER thought such a thing was "cool." Again, close-minded maybe, but that's just my gut instinct.
I think Rameer broke a record for that response...lol
The Blogger people are happy they have free space on the server today...lol
@Zay, you are a fool :-)
The thug lovers are silent today :)
Okay, you're calling me out. I used to be a Thug Lover. USED to be. But I'm grown up now.
I guess for me, it was the thrill of being with a guy who seemed to be able to handle himself and protect me. I liked that they could toss my ass around too! LOL!
Until he went to jail, for being stupid. I realized that that's not the type of man I want people to associate with me, and not the type of man I'd want as head of my household one day. I guess you can call it phase. But not having a job, always asking me for money or not being able to treat me every once in a while, having no ambition, no focus or plans for your life while having a bunch of baby mamas is not cool. It just took me until my late 20's to figure it out. But you're right, any woman over 25 should NOT be attracted to men who wear do-rags out in public :)
What's up Brooke, you aint gots no love for thug!!
What the deal with that homeie!!!
awww man, all the thugs are coming out now :-)
No thugs read my blog :-)
Yo, I'm over here DYING at anonymous' comment! LMAO!
"keeps me mad wavy" LMAO!
"Yolanda, I see you shinin'!"
I can't stop laughing! LOL!!
Brooke, you gotta admit that was sexy right? LOL!
Sidenote: met Zay for the first time ever on Sunday...have never laughed so much
I agree that dating a "thug" shouldn't be something we seek out and majority of the men I've dated have not fit that description. I can however, appreciate a fine a$$ dude when I see one and ken is just that to me.... eye candy in the gym :-)
Tattoos may be a turn off for some women... for me they are not. Just because I don't see a future with the man does not automatically make him unattractive to me. It's not like the tatoos are hiding the perfection that is his body LMAO!Clearly it will never be anything more than me admiring how good he looks in a tank top. However he does look rediculous with jeans and a fitted working out in the gym LMAO. Too Funny!
Also, I do not feel that tattoos determine what type of person you are, what you do for a living, or how smart or educated you may be. I'm not into judging people by appearances but I understand how you can make an assessment of someone based on that. Depending on what what type of tattoo you have or what you're wearing, it's either going to give someone the wrong impression or the right one lol.
Thats what I be talking bout Stef!! Let em no son!!
Just holla a thug when you ready boo!!
I wasn't going to comment on this because I have been saying this shit since I was 16. I love how women I talk to now are like, how did you not have a girlfriend until 18? How did you not have a woman in your mid 20's? Why? Because I never had thug life tattooed on my chest.
Let me tell you a true story of when I was in summer institute in the summer of 1992 at SU. (taking Rammer's place) We all stayed in the same dorm for 6 weeks to get a edge over other incoming freshman. So we took classes and we studied together. The boys and girls were on separate floors but we mingled.
I wont go into the fact that I was invisible because of your typical college gangster...but there a point where the male RA's gathered all the males in a room and told us that we need to understand that when the regular school year begins all these girls will not look at you.
Frats...and athletes will rule their world and well..have fun. Nevertheless, as much as we didn't believe this...it was true. That did happen until they all got played and the regular guys were visible again.
So while we are talking about thugs i think that the idea of thugnificent means bad boy of any type...
I'm mad Monica said "tank top" LOL!
I'm guessing any man who's intelligent enough knows better than to get a tattoo that says "show and prove" on his body! LOL!
All that thug look tells me is you ain't no 9-5 dude :) Trust me, I know! LOL!
Yo Stef why you gotta talk about a brothers do-rag son!!
I be wearing that do-rag to keep my waves flowing son. You know you be liking my waves, dont front boo!!
LMAO Stef! tank top --- wife beater --- you know what I mean ! LMAO!
@Ant, you're right - that's how it always goes. Those same women are probably in their 30's now wishing they had gotten with you back in the day :)
@Yolanda,
Zay has to be one of the funniest people I've ever known. One time he called me at work and I was having a hectic day and I laughed for a half hour straight. I had tears running down my face he had me laughing so hard :)
Why am I not surprised Stef liked the thug dudes. He was probably the one who slammed you thru the headboard :) LOL!
I agree, doo-rags are not for public wear...I don't care how much it "keeps you mad wavy" LOL!
I'm not your boo "ThugFoLife" - I told you I don't get down like that no more! LOL!
And yes, B, that guy who got my head stuck in the headboard and wouldn't stop WAS a thug! Now you see why I'm traumatized! LMAO!
Ya'll are stupid :)
C'mon Stef, why you be dissing a brother..
Let a thug get some of that head board action!! I be real nice!!
Thug Fo Life son!!!
Sorry, had to chime in on this one.
Women don't want good men. They want a challenge. They want to "change" the thug dude. All these educated women with MBA's and PHD's think a thug would be "lucky" ot have them, and they think they can change him. Well guess what? He's playing all your asses. And then, like Ant said, when you're all used up, you come looking for the "nice, good" dudes. And then get mad when they see he wifed someone up already or are married to a white woman.
All you women trying to justify your attraction to those type of dudes deserve what you get. I'm sorry, but I feel strongly about this. You'll learn one day.
Glad you brought this up Brooke, and glad you've never subscribed to the "thug passion" - you are TRULY a REAL woman.
The only thing worse than a thug is a FAKE thug! As Brooke would say, BEAT IT THUGFOLIFE! LOL!
I was lurking for a minute just reading comments.
It seems the "idea" that a thug can handle himself in a certain way is what impresses some women. Handle meaning on the street and in the bed room. I remember a co-worker of mine brought her "thug" boyfriend to the company event and you can tell she just wanted to hide under a catering table every time he opened his mouth.
There needs to be a balance.
yes I have tattoos, yes I wear a mask and write about my sexual exploits, but really I'm a nice guy. See: Peter Parker to Spiderman. LOL
THAT guy is the one you never tell your girlfriends about Fury. You don't want him to talk, or be seen out in public with him. He's just your "thug secret" LOL!
Take it any further than that and there's a problem :-)
Dont worry Stef, you'll be hollering on the side Boo!!!
You know you still be liking that Thug Passion!!!
NO, I'm done with that narcotic (in my best Larry Fishburn voice) LOL!
True Story on the S.I. thing, Ant.
And I feel you, Mr. Nice Guy. A LOT of dudes feel you on that.
Rameer must be busy cuz I thought he'd be ALL over this one!
yeah, busy traumatizing people posting pics on FB of men dressed up as women with their ball sack showing. Courtesy of Witches Brew. Y'all are out of order today!
WHAT?????
Brooke, please explain.
maybe I can show you better than I can explain it to you:
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/photo.php?pid=4582850&id=96764484813
if not, go to witchesbrewonline.com.
Hey - if I gotta be traumatized, Y'ALL need to be traumatized too.
Blame those damned Witches...
Okay, that's not right. I wasn't ready for that.
Luckily I've never been fooled by a "SHIM" before. That's wrong y'all.
I saw that on Witches Brew today too! I was cracking up! His tea bags were showing!
Yeah, that wasn't cool. Rameer made my eyes bleed today. I totally missed that on the Brew today - until Rameer re-posted it.
ewwww!
You men better be careful!
Okay, Rameer...now I'M traumatized. Now I can see why he's at a loss for words today.
Yolanda, where the hell do you witches find this stuff???
Gotta check the ball sack! LOL!
I think I'd catch a serious case, cuz dude would be dead trying to fool me.
You better be careful anonymous - "HE/SHE" might be thugnificent! Don't let the makeup fool you! LOL!
I don't know where that balls picture actually came from but we have many sources. LOL
Great post...brooke...I agree 100 percent.
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