Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Happy Tuesday!
Dear Brookey,
I've recently met a man that I really like. He seems to like me too and he's said that he'd like to be in a relationship, but I think he's unsure of me as a possible mate. I cook for him, help him clean his place and show him I can take care of him and would be an asset to him, but he hasn't given me any indications as to if he'd like to seal the deal and be in a committed relationship with me. How do I convince him that I'm a keeper? What do men see as "wifey" material as opposed to just a girl they date for a while and then move on? I'm ready to go to the next level. Any advice?
-Wifey Material
Dear Wifey Material,
My first bit of advice to you would be to stop cooking and cleaning and catering to this man. That's absolute foolishness. Why are you doing all of this for a man who isn't YOUR man? I understand that you want to show him that you would make a good wife one day, but you're not even this man's girlfriend. You're just dating, so there's no reason you should be folding his boxer briefs and cleaning his bathroom. That's just crazy talk.
Now, before I appear to come off as being harsh, I understand having a nurturing nature. I'm the same way...and I had to learn when to turn it on and turn it off. I don't mind feeding a man. If you look like you're starving, if I can hear your stomach growling like DMX and your stomach is touching your spine, then it won't kill me to hook you up a turkey and cheese sandwich. If you're a guest in my house, I'll cook for you...no problem. But you shouldn't be doing all these things to GET a man - even if it might help KEEP him.
I've found that if a man genuinely likes you, then your cooking and cleaning abilities won't really matter that much. Sure, a man likes a woman who can fry up a steak and keep a nice, clean place for him to lay his head....but if he's really feeling you, those are things he can learn to work around. I know plenty of "non-domestic" women who have men who happily will cook for them or take them out to dinner every night, and who have no problem doing both of their laundry. Some things just click.
But my MAIN reason for telling you to stop doing what you're doing is not because I'm some mean b*tch who doesn't want you to have a man - it's because you're mothering him. And last time I checked, most REAL men don't want to date or sleep with their mothers. And if they DO have mommy issues where they want a woman to take care of them, then you have bigger problems. Who wants a man like that? Save the mothering for any future children you might have, not for the man you're "kinda dating."
If a man isn't committing to you, it's because he doesn't WANT to. It's really just that simple. You can't (and shouldn't be trying t0) convince a man to want to settle down with you. By cooking and cleaning and trying to show him that you're worth keeping, you're doing his emotional work for him. Don't try to trick this man into "wifing" you, because it'll backfire on you every time. You can't trick a man into committing to you, and going overboard by waiting on him hand and foot cancels out his manhood and enables further dysfunction if he has mommy issues.
He's probably enjoying all that you're doing for him, but he's probably taking you for granted as well. If he doesn't show his appreciation, or keeps giving you the runaround, that means he's enjoying the fruits of your labor without having to commit to you. He'll continue to eat up all your food and rest his head on your clean bed until he finds a woman he really wants to be with...who probably can't even boil water. Then you'll feel used and wonder why he didn't choose you.
You wonder why? I'll tell you why.
Because most grown men have the ability to take responsibility for his own thoughts, feelings and actions - and he settles down when he's good and damn ready. No amount of cooking and cleaning and catering to him will change that. Stop thinking that if you don't do this and that for him that he'll leave you...because if he really cares for you, nothing or no one can tear him away from you. And if you stop cooking for him and cleaning his place and he DOES bounce, then you know he isn't the man for you.
Stay in your lane and let him do some things for YOU for a change. Make him prove to YOU that he's a keeper. You haven't mentioned any reasons why you should want him...only reasons why he should want you. If you stopped wiping down the kitchen, cleaning the bathroom and baking cakes long enough to take a serious look, you may discover that he's not really worth all this "wifey" treatment. Let him come into your lane for a bit and you sit back and enjoy the ride for a change. If he doesn't reciprocate, then slow down and re-evaluate what you want and see if it's in alignment with his wants/expectations.
What a man considers to be "wifey" material varies from man to man - it's all relative. Sure, every man wants a woman who has the ability to coook and clean, and those are great traits to have. But make sure that cooking and cleaning aren't the only assets you have to offer. Some men also want a woman who can stimulate their minds, or who will watch Seinfeld with them and laugh at all their jokes. Some want a woman who they can watch the game with or talk politics with. It's all about which traits they find attractive - and to some, having a great personality and awesome sense of humor are more important than how well you can make a cheesecake and/or wash the dishes.
Either way, stop playing a wife before you ARE one, and don't try to be his mother. Tell him to cook YOU dinner and pick up his own damn socks. Your name ain't Kizzy. Stop it.
-b
31 comments:
first yatches!
Where did Fury come from!? Dammit!
First I agree with Brooke 99%. Don't be cooking and cleaning to get him because we know damn well after you've got him you're gonna stop all that ish anyway. Hehehehe
Ok, you've proven you can cook and clean. What has he proven he can do besides eat and smell the pine-sol? Only keep your house clean for you. Definitely don't clean his place. And cooking for him...keep that at a severe minimum. In fact, you can stop now, I'm sure you've done enough.
The 1% I don't agree with Brooke on is that I think being cleanly and knowing how to cook are things men look at for spouses. No man wants a filthy ass woman. Having a woman that can cook these days is a commodity. Congratulations you're a commodity. But what the hell is he? Well, besides hungry because you're gonna stop cooking for his ass, right?
...the sex that good, huh...
I was JUST having this conversation with a girlfriend of mine, wow! She does the same thing, cooks and cleans for a guy she's seeing because she thinks that'll make him "see" what a great catch she is. Meanwhile, he's giving her the "you're too good for me" excuse as why he's not committing to her.
It's BS.
If he wants you, he wants you - not because you can cook or clean or wait on him hand and foot. Most women I know who are married or in committed relationships can only make Hamburger Helper and keep messy houses. And their men happily pick up the slack. They're all awesome women, just not the most "domesticated" women I know - and their men still love their non-cooking asses. Great blog Brooke!
@Fury,
Brooke didn't say men don't want a woman who can cook and clean - she said...and I quote: "Sure, every man wants a woman who has the ability to coook and clean, and those are great traits to have. But make sure that cooking and cleaning aren't the only assets you have to offer."
No woman wants a filthy ass man who can't cook either - it goes both ways. Let his ass cook for her and clean HER place once in a while. And if he's not her man and doesn't want to commit, then he DAMN SURE needs to eat before he comes over and wash his OWN dishes.
I agree.... If you aren't his girlfriend OR in a committed relationship send his ass to Mc Donalds.. Give him nothing more than a coke & a smile. :)
At the end of the day if he wants a wife he will look for a wife. And if you have the qualities he wants then he will see you. You can't get anyone (man or woman) to see you in a light they aren't looking for.
Good Luck
@Stef - The headboard store was closed so I came straight over.
@Ms. Penn - That pick up the slack ish gets real tired real quick.
I know my man Mr. Fantastic has been picking up after Sue Storm forever because whenever it comes time to clean up she vanishes. And really he will too when he gets tired of doing more for her than him.
Brooke's friend will get tired of doing more for him and eventually leave...
..but damn that sex must be good...
@Ms. Penn,
I hate the "you're too good for me" comment - or better yet, the
"you INTIMIDATE me" line. How does that even make sense? If you truly thought I was too good for you, then you wouldn't be with me, and if I truly intimidated you, I wouldn't know it...because you'd be too intimidated by me to actually TELL me that I intimidate you. It's all game...and bullsh*t.
If a man wants you, he wants you - just like you said. Nothing will stop him.
@Fury,
I don't know this person, but I'm sure she'll get tired of acting like the maid and chef eventually too - especially with no commitment in sight.
@Fury,
What was that whole headboard thing supposed to mean?? ALL I did was point out that she never said a woman shouldn't be able to cook and clean, so there was really no 1% to disagree with her on. Geesh!
That was personal and not very cool.
@Stef - Dammit i didn't know I had to quote her to disagree with one (actually less) percent of what she said.
Ok here goes..and I quote:
"I've found that if a man genuinely likes you, then your cooking and cleaning abilities won't really matter that much...
....but if he's really feeling you, those are things he can learn to work around."
I agree she shouldn't be doing all that ish for this dude. I just personally like cleanly people. Same goes for him. His place needs to be cleaned up. She shouldn't walk in his bathroom and feel the need to hover over the bowl so she doesn't touch it.
Okay, fine...but was the headboard thing really necessary? Can't we have a discussion without personal jabs, all you had to do was clarify your point. I get it now, I didn't need the headboard comment to understand.
Now Now...no need to be upset Stef, I'm sure it was all in good fun. We've teased you about the headboard before, lighten up :)
As for the blog, good advice. Most men appreciate a women who can cook and clean, but that shouldn't be all she has to offer and that's not what really attracts a man. He considers those things a plus, but he shouldn't want a woman to take care of him unless he's a trifling ass man who can't take care of himself.
I don't mind cooking and cleaning for my woman, but she has to be MY woman, just as this man should be HER man to be doing all this stuff. He's using her. She should stop and see what he does - then she'll know for sure if he's really feeling her or just in it to get the free grub and clean drawz.
@Stef - It was a joke in reference to your "Where did Fury Come From!?" comment.
You're right it was not even 1%. I agree with Brookey and I want this lady to stop being caretaker and maid for him.
@Cable Guy,
Shut up! That is all.
I'm curious to hear what the men on the blog consider "wifey" material myself. Like Ms. Penn said, I know plenty of women in relationships who can't cook or clean yet they have men who love them to death, so wondering what some other traits are.
Why the rant? Some women are naturally nurishing like that, then let it be. She shouldn't change because you're not like her.
Here's the issue with most "SINGLE INDEPENDENT WOMEN" and then they wonder why they are SINGLE - see real talk youtube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AdRs5fEy-k
I wish Wifey Material the best of luck. If he can't see you for who you are and vice versa as I know men get the blues from women in regards to showing their true selves and they don't want to commit but you do...then bounce. Life is too short.
BUT...my question though is did they have a for real...for real real convo about the level they want to take it too or that she wants to go too...
@Stef,
I think it varies depending on what the man wants. Maybe these men that are with women who can't cook or clean are men who love to cook and clean. Maybe they both don't want children, so cooking and keeping a clean house aren't high on their priority list. Some messy people are just drawn to other messy people :)
A man usually wants to be with someone who won't bore him. Sex is also important, even though we won't like to admit it. They want a woman who they can be proud of, who is slightly smarter than he is and who he feels comfortable with and who allows him to be himself and relax when he gets home from a rough day.
I guess I should say these are things I look for, so I won't try to speak for all men.
Good advice Brooke, and good luck to "Wifey Material" cuz she's gonna be sad when dude bounces once she stops catering to him. Mark my words.
@Grown,
I have no problem with people who are naturally nurturing (and sorry, didn't realize I was ranting?)...but what I find with some women is they do all of these things, not because it comes naturally - but because they think that's what a man wants and they do it to manipulate a man into being with her. She's trying to "show" him she's a catch. If these are things she does naturally, she wouldn't be worrying about the commitment - she'd just be cooking and cleaning because she wants to. She's questioning it because she's getting tired of doing these things for a man that's not her man...which means she's not just some everyday Martha Stewart/Rachel Ray.
No one is asking her to change - I'm saying stop trying to prove your worth by trying to be a wife before you've had a real discussion about what you both want the relationship to go.
@ Brooke: If she is doing it because that's part of her whole makeup - cool. However, if it is just a front then I agree with majority.
The fact that she said he wants to be in a relationship, but hasn't said "with her" is the real issue - and she knows it. She's feeling played because she's bending over backwards for a guy that doesn't want to wife her. She should let him loose, because you don't have to "convince" a man to be with you. Either he will be or he won't. If she's trying to convince him that she's wifey by doing all this cooking and cleaning, that means the shit doesn't come naturally to her and she's frontin. Like Fury said, she'll probably stop doing all that stuff after she gets the ring. She needs to keep her own house clean and cook her own food for HER, not some man. If she does it naturally, he'll see it, not because she does it for HIM, but because she does it for HERSELF.
@Grown...
If it's part of her whole makeup it's still NOT cool if 6 months down the line he's gonna be like oh by the way you know we just friends right....lol
I mean they definitely need to sit & have a conversation about what is going on. And until then stop the bullish & let him call Merry Maids. OR pay her ass cuz there is a recession going on out there.
Men before you answer think about your daughters. Would u want her out there cooking, Cleaning & boning some dude who's just sitting back chillin & doesn't even like her like that????
@Grown,
I am a person who is naturally nurturing, which is why I said I had to learn when to turn it on and turn it off. I'm the person who's always willing to cook dinner, or help you fold your laundry, etc. But I've found that a lot of men like that, but that doesn't mean they like "you" like that. And it's not just cooking and cleaning, it's sex, it's time, energy, all that. They want to reap the benefits of what a relationship would bring without being in a real relationship.
Therefore, I had to learn when to show my nurturing side, and who to show it to. When it comes naturally to you, it's easy to be taken advantage of, because some people take advantge of others that way...sometimes without even knowing it. The only way to avoid feeling used or taken advantage of is by being careful not to go overboard, and you definitely shouldn't place your worth on these things.
Like anonymous said - you don't have to cook for a man or clean his house for him to see those traits in you. Most people who know me know that I cook for myself almost everyday, and they've been to my place - so they can tell what kind of place I keep. If it's up to their "wifey" standards, then cool...but if not, keep it movin.
AND SHE MAKES SLAMMIN CHEESECAKE... :)
Thanks Annamaria :-)
Well said Brooke.
I agree, most women do this to get a man, not because it comes naturally to them. I know how to cook and clean, but when you live alone, it's not always the first thing on your mind. For some women, that side of them doesn't come out until it's required, like when you live with someone else and when you have a family. You almost HAVE to cook when you have kids, and a husband. But if you have a man who loves to cook, then that's not a trait a woman has to have. Some men couldn't care less if a woman can cook or not. It's all case by case.
You can't assume that cooking and cleaning is the way to a man's heart. He has to WANT to be in a reiationship with you outside of those things. If this guy is giving you mixed signals and doesn't want to commit, then save your "wifey" traits for someone who wants to wife YOU. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.
I'm still trying to figure out where "Grown" was going with the "Single Independent Women" comment. This blog isn't about being single or independent. It's about the qualities a man (or woman) might be looking for in a spouse and the things some of us are willing to do to get it. I thought that was a bit to the left.
mmmm Brooke's cheesecake! lol It's funny because I was just having a similar conversation with my brother the other day. If you know what kind of woman you are and what you are capable of putting into a relationship, before you throw out all the stops you have to make sure the guy is worth it. It's a two way street. Sometimes you have to let him show you what he can and will do for you before you go cooking and cleaning for him. Some guys I know seem to expect the "wifey" treatment but don't want you to actually be their woman. Sorry...You'll be waiting a long time for that if you aren't my man or if I can tell that we are definitely not headed in that direction.
Just so people don't think I'm dipping out on the blog - I've read the comments, and really have nothing to add. I agree with what Brooke-Ra initially said, and with many of the comments.
I'm here...just have nothing to add...
I wish I knew where all these cooking and cleaning women are - cuz I damn sure don't meet them. But at the same time, I don't expect a woman to do that for me. I'm capable of taking care of myself and cooking and cleaning are things I do everyday. Unless we're in a relationship, you don't have to prove that you're wifey material to me by feeding me, cuz I can do that for myself.
If a man wants you to do all that for him and wait on him hand and foot like he's King Tut or something, yet he's not sure of you or if he wants to be in a relationship with you, then he's playing you. Period. I don't want a woman to be my mommy, I want her to be my woman. And if a man needs to be taken care of, then he's wack and a bitchass and not someone you should be wasting your energy on.
Rameer, we missed you! :)
Awwww! Thank you, Stef! I always check the blog...but lately, you guys say everything that can be said perfectly!
I'm on vacation...but never not peeping the blog! =)
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