Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I've recently met a man that I really like. He seems to like me too and he's said that he'd like to be in a relationship, but I think he's unsure of me as a possible mate. I cook for him, help him clean his place and show him I can take care of him and would be an asset to him, but he hasn't given me any indications as to if he'd like to seal the deal and be in a committed relationship with me. How do I convince him that I'm a keeper? What do men see as "wifey" material as opposed to just a girl they date for a while and then move on? I'm ready to go to the next level. Any advice?
Dear Wifey Material,
My first bit of advice to you would be to stop cooking and cleaning and catering to this man. That's absolute foolishness. Why are you doing all of this for a man who isn't YOUR man? I understand that you want to show him that you would make a good wife one day, but you're not even this man's girlfriend. You're just dating, so there's no reason you should be folding his boxer briefs and cleaning his bathroom. That's just crazy talk.
Now, before I appear to come off as being harsh, I understand having a nurturing nature. I'm the same way...and I had to learn when to turn it on and turn it off. I don't mind feeding a man. If you look like you're starving, if I can hear your stomach growling like DMX and your stomach is touching your spine, then it won't kill me to hook you up a turkey and cheese sandwich. If you're a guest in my house, I'll cook for you...no problem. But you shouldn't be doing all these things to GET a man - even if it might help KEEP him.
I've found that if a man genuinely likes you, then your cooking and cleaning abilities won't really matter that much. Sure, a man likes a woman who can fry up a steak and keep a nice, clean place for him to lay his head....but if he's really feeling you, those are things he can learn to work around. I know plenty of "non-domestic" women who have men who happily will cook for them or take them out to dinner every night, and who have no problem doing both of their laundry. Some things just click.
But my MAIN reason for telling you to stop doing what you're doing is not because I'm some mean b*tch who doesn't want you to have a man - it's because you're mothering him. And last time I checked, most REAL men don't want to date or sleep with their mothers. And if they DO have mommy issues where they want a woman to take care of them, then you have bigger problems. Who wants a man like that? Save the mothering for any future children you might have, not for the man you're "kinda dating."
If a man isn't committing to you, it's because he doesn't WANT to. It's really just that simple. You can't (and shouldn't be trying t0) convince a man to want to settle down with you. By cooking and cleaning and trying to show him that you're worth keeping, you're doing his emotional work for him. Don't try to trick this man into "wifing" you, because it'll backfire on you every time. You can't trick a man into committing to you, and going overboard by waiting on him hand and foot cancels out his manhood and enables further dysfunction if he has mommy issues.
He's probably enjoying all that you're doing for him, but he's probably taking you for granted as well. If he doesn't show his appreciation, or keeps giving you the runaround, that means he's enjoying the fruits of your labor without having to commit to you. He'll continue to eat up all your food and rest his head on your clean bed until he finds a woman he really wants to be with...who probably can't even boil water. Then you'll feel used and wonder why he didn't choose you.
You wonder why? I'll tell you why.
Because most grown men have the ability to take responsibility for his own thoughts, feelings and actions - and he settles down when he's good and damn ready. No amount of cooking and cleaning and catering to him will change that. Stop thinking that if you don't do this and that for him that he'll leave you...because if he really cares for you, nothing or no one can tear him away from you. And if you stop cooking for him and cleaning his place and he DOES bounce, then you know he isn't the man for you.
Stay in your lane and let him do some things for YOU for a change. Make him prove to YOU that he's a keeper. You haven't mentioned any reasons why you should want him...only reasons why he should want you. If you stopped wiping down the kitchen, cleaning the bathroom and baking cakes long enough to take a serious look, you may discover that he's not really worth all this "wifey" treatment. Let him come into your lane for a bit and you sit back and enjoy the ride for a change. If he doesn't reciprocate, then slow down and re-evaluate what you want and see if it's in alignment with his wants/expectations.
What a man considers to be "wifey" material varies from man to man - it's all relative. Sure, every man wants a woman who has the ability to coook and clean, and those are great traits to have. But make sure that cooking and cleaning aren't the only assets you have to offer. Some men also want a woman who can stimulate their minds, or who will watch Seinfeld with them and laugh at all their jokes. Some want a woman who they can watch the game with or talk politics with. It's all about which traits they find attractive - and to some, having a great personality and awesome sense of humor are more important than how well you can make a cheesecake and/or wash the dishes.
Either way, stop playing a wife before you ARE one, and don't try to be his mother. Tell him to cook YOU dinner and pick up his own damn socks. Your name ain't Kizzy. Stop it.