Friday, April 3, 2009
Okay, so I'm sure the title of this post got your attention. I felt this blog brewing in my brain as I was talking to a friend yesterday. She was talking to me about her "jumpoff." Now, knowing their situation, I immediately corrected her and told her he was more than a jumpoff. She asked me why, to which I promptly answered, "because you actually LIKE him."
Urban Dictionary defines a Jumpoff as the following:
Jumpoff - noun
SIDEPIECE - can refer to a man/woman or mistress you f*ck on the side of your regular. Someone used strictly for sex.
Now, you could also call your jumpoff your "F*ck Buddy." Same thing right? But are "Friends with Benefits" the same thing as well? I feel like there's a slightly different connotation with this term...but for others, it's all the same.
I think it's possible that actual friends can find each other attractive enough to have sex with, but not to pursue a relationship with. I used to wonder why these two people couldn't be in a relationship if they're already friends as well as being sexually attracted to each other. After all, that's the perfect scenario right?
But then I came to realize that just because you're great friends or great lovers, doesn't mean you'd be great in a relationship. One of you may have commitment issues. Others simply may not have the time to commit to a serious relationship. Some people make great boyfriends or girlfriends, but not spouses (if that's what you ultimately want) - the list of reasons is endless.
So, with that said - since my friend seemed slightly confused as to when someone is a jumpoff or not, I decided to write this blog from MY perspective to define what it is, to state what the benefits to having a jumpoff, f*ck buddy or friend with benefits are, as well as state the drawbacks. There are many - so I'll give my list here and you all can feel free to add to it if you like.
Now, as a woman, there are times when our body wants what we know our mind doesn't. He's the fine ass mandingo with the brain the size of a peanut. He's sexy as hell, a nice guy perhaps, and you like him JUST enough to give him some. We think he's adorable, but maybe mentally or emotionally lacking. He may be great, but he may be too young...you know, kinda like the cable guy ;-) We don't want to date him or bring him around our friends or family..ever - cuz we know better. But damn, the chemistry between you is electric. You want the lovin, but no strings attached. Do you deny yourself? What do you do? That's up to you, but if you decide to make him your jumpoff...then here are the rules:
Rule #1: Be honest about what you want upfront - with yourself and each other. Negotiating a long-term, friends-with-benefits type situation can be tricky for us ladies. Men are seemingly born knowing how to detach emotions from sex - I think it's in their DNA. Some can spend a whole night with you, then trip over you the next day and not even recognize you. But women can have a harder time of it. Some women wind up feeling used or like they're promiscuous. I realize it's a double standard, but if you're uncomfortable with it, don't do it. Man or woman, make sure you BOTH know upfront that it's all about sex and nothing else. That way neither will feel like they're being used by the other. You're both using each other equally! :)
Rule #2: It ain't about "We." Avoid using pronouns like "us" or "we," and all talk of plans further into the future than the hour it takes him to get to your place is not allowed.
Rule #3: No meals together. Acceptable dining situations include maybe a bowl of cereal in the morning before he bounces...or maybe a late-night grilled cheese or some hot pockets (3 minutes in the microwave) after y'all got busy. Meals to be avoided are breakfast, brunch, dinner, or any other setting where you actually have to talk to each other at length :) Speaking of talking...
Rule #4: Limit conversation. Questions any more probing than "do you have condoms?" and "how fast can you get here?" can get a little sticky. Your jumpoff doesn't want to hear about your day, who pissed you off at work, or how cute your nephew is. Keep it light and keep it moving.
Rule #5: This probably goes without saying, but no socializing outside of the bedroom. He doesn't meet your friends, you don't meet his. That goes double for family members. The best thing about having a jumpoff is that he's your dirty little secret (unless he's just SO fine that you want to show-off a lil bit :-)
I'm going to stop at 5 rules so that you all can add yours. Sex with no strings can get tricky if you're not honest about what you want. It's easy for one of you to catch feelings, so keeping those rules in mind should help you avoid that. But if you like someone and think that getting into a "friends with benefits" situation will make that person come around to wanting more, you could be in for a rude awakening. If you're jealous or possessive by nature...then a "f*ck buddy" situation might not be for you. Sometimes even if WE don't want that person, we don't want someone else to have them either. And if they stop seeing you so that they can date someone else seriously...and you'd feel some kinda way about that...then having a jumpoff isn't for you.
The point of having a jumpoff or friend with benefits is because it's convenient and it's comfortable. But in the comfort zone, someone can get attached. For some, separating sex from emotions isn't an easy thing to do...and I'm not just talking about women. If one of you catches feelings, while the other one doesn't, then someone is getting hurt. Period. Nine times out of 10, these situations don't result in a real relationship - they end when someone finds someone they REALLY want to date seriously, or when the attraction subsides. If you can't handle that, don't do it.
Lastly, if you truly ARE friends, I'd say avoid it altogether. Lines can get blurred between friendship and sex, and once you cross the physical boundaries of the friendship, it's hard to turn back. If one of you gets angry at the other, or the sex stops abruptly or anything else bad happens, it may not be worth jeopardizing the friendship you share. Sex may not be a risk you're willing to take in losing a real friendship. There should be no regrets.
And even if you ARE able to navigate back and forth between friendship and sex effortlessly, messing around with a good friend could potentially mess up your future relationships. If your new man/woman finds out you had sex with your best buddy, they may feel insecure - Hey, if it happened once, it can happen again right? You can't really fault them for that line of thinking...it's human nature. Either don't do it, or take it to the grave.
The upside is, even though rare, romantic feelings CAN develop if you truly are friends. If that happens, you have the best of both worlds - a real relationship based on friendship, understanding and sexual attraction that is FIYA!