Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Happy Hump Day - and Happy April Fool's Day!

Speaking of fools - I usually don't suffer any. For those not familiar with the phrase "doesn't suffer fools gladly," it basically means one doesn't tolerate stupidity or stupid people. I find that the older I get, the less tolerance I have for a lot of things...willful ignorance being one of them. But it doesn't stop at willful ignorance. I have little tolerance for pettiness, misguided arrogance and self righteous indignation...just to name a few. Back to that later....

Here is a question I want to pose to you all: If you are no longer friends with someone, do you feel justified, or have you ever revealed things that were told to you in confidence by that person simply because you are no longer friends? Do you feel that since you two are no longer friends, nothing is off limits and all confidences can be broken? After all, you're no longer bound by the rules of friendship right?

The reason I ask is because I'm struggling with that now...as I feel it has been done to me. I have no SOLID proof, but I have a strong, gut feeling. Nothing salacious or wicked was said...but confidence broken nonetheless.

In situations like that, our first instinct is usually to retaliate. I find it interesting that a person would stoop to such a level when they may have told me things in confidence I could easily share that would shatter an image, embarrass and/or ultimately, hurt them. It baffles me that people don't think before they act or speak. I could easily do damage...especially considering I have an audience. But I won't....here is why.

First of all, it's too easy. It's much easier to seek shelter in pettiness and ridiculous behavior, than to stand tall with your head held high. It's easier to slap someone in the face than to turn the other cheek. It's easy to sink to someone's level. But at 5'10, all divine woman, I'm too tall to sink to anyone's level. I refuse to do it. Is that suffering a fool?

Second, a hasty word, a careless utterance, a deliberate act of malice to hurt someone else, the decision to do what we know is wrong at the time, all must be done in the presence of God. We have to be able to back up those actions with our spirit in mind - and that's a price I'm not willing to pay. Even when we feel justified in our bitterness and anger, in our righteous indignation, I'm not willing to pay the price of the broken connection with the Divine Spirit. The power that goes with our divinity is only ours when we act the part - and we can't act the part if we choose anger and bitterness over virtue. Instead, I'll leave that to the fools. How does the saying go? "A man (or woman) who feels self-righteousness rise from his petty virtues lives a life of self-delusion."

So...is suffering fools an act of forgiveness? That's debatable...but it can bring inner peace.

Forgiveness is "selective remembering" - a conscious decision to focus on love and the positive and let the rest go. The choice to let go of hurt and anger towards other people is the decision to see ourselves as we truly are. My eyes are open now, and although I am no longer blinded by other's imperfections, so am I not blinded to my own. As an extension of God, I won't seek to judge, but to heal...and move on. When someone hurts us, lies to us or betrays us, they've lost touch with the essence of who they are. When someone treats us the wrong way, we want to respond in kind. The appropriate response isn't malice...but love - because their behavior is a cry for help or love. We should actually feel sorry for them.

Suffering or not suffering any fools isn't for me to determine. Instead, I'll simply move out the way to give divine justice a chance to prevail. The responsibility isn't on my shoulders. At the end of the day, God knows who is accountable for what, and no matter what they did to you, they will not have to answer to you for it....only Him. Suffering fools is a way to free yourself from distorted judgments that create bitterness and hatred. Carrying a broken heart, a wounded ego or a malicious spirit are toxic emotions that creates a cycle of dysfunctional behavior. Forgiveness is the only way out or the only way we won't let it affect us.

Everyone comes into your life for a reason - whether it's a friend who turned out not to be, a backstabbing co-worker, or an ex lover - everyone in your life in any capacity has value. These people just might be God in disguise, teaching you how to rely on your own wits and heart to transcend a petty person's behavior. The message He sends is to bless them and move on. Forgiveness isn't suffering any fools - it's not tolerating or excusing wrong doing. It's merely forgetting grievances and putting aside too high expectations of someone. It's setting free memories of cruelty and betrayal. Suffering fools means let loose, let go and let be. Forgiveness is a quiet secret, an inner teaching, the hidden answer, the lost knowledge, the still voice and the only wisdom we ever need to attain.

-b

36 comments:

Serena W. said...

FIRST!!!!!

Brooke said...

LOL!! You beat everyone! Go Serena!

Serena W. said...

Annamaria...don't tase me!

Now Brooke it's always amazing to me that people would stoop so low! Like you said you stand tall and I'm proud that you won't go (down) to that level!

In India Arie's song "Psalms 23" with MC Lyte on her new cd which I love, she says a line that is so danm powerful! She says," Old friends become new enemies!"

She goes into saying another line that is true to what you said, "Tried to put that stick in between my wheels but that can't stop my motivation...nothing will!"

Wow! It's so true, sometimes those who are in that area of your life that were once your friends are now enemies. The ex friend I had from last year that I won't go into because I'm in a good mood just tripped out and wanted to talk about me and not tell the whole story. It's all good. I won't as you shouldn't let this one get the best of you and it sounds like you aren't letting her which is great!

You should listen to that song, it's so powerful and anyone can get something from it.

A fool is a fool, going back to Rameer's blog on Friday about stupid people. We are at a different level and can't even see them eye to eye which is what annoys us because we can't UNDERSTAND why they are the way they are.

I'm glad you listened to your intuition, stay clear of them B and like you said let God handle the situation. Revenge is not yours.

Latinegro said...

Wow...you would really have to do something wrong to me in order for me to do anything like that. But, even still, I am not sure I would.

If someone sayes anything in confidence to me, I take it seriously because I know that I would want someone to take me seriously.

Yet, I find it hard to trust anyone with information...lol.

Brooke said...

To answer my own question, I keep things told to me in confidence to heart, whether we're friends or not...simply for the fact that if we were friends when you told me, that's how I'll treat it. It's a shame some don't subscribe to the same thought. You'd have to force my hand or show me that you never intend to maintain some dignity in order for me to go there and not care...and even then...

Sad. And I don't consider anyone an enemy...I usually feel sorry for them. I guess I DO suffer fools :)

momo925 said...

I think revealing what a friend has told you in private is extremely tasteless. It shows a complete lack of regard for the trust that person has put in you and futhermore it highlights the fact that you were a sorry a$$ friend to begin with. What goes around comes around so be CLEAR. If you betray a friends trust...the same will happen to you or maybe worse. It's just a matter of time. Keep being the person you are Brooke! Shake the haters off lol. My father always taught me that if you WANT a friend then BE a friend. Sounds to me like you're better off without these kind of people in your life.

Serena W. said...

It's hard when you really think these people were friends and then all of a sudden the flip. Momo I love that statement, if you wanna a friend be one! Some people honestly don't know how. Their personal dilemmas get in the way, whether they are jealous, tripped out or whatever.

I'm glad you posted this blog cause other people are going through the same thing and can realize that they aren't alone. Fools are everywhere!

Anonymous said...

I would never tell. A freinds trust is sacred to me whether it is mutual or not. I always say...dont let some else's character flaw, flaw your character. keep your integrity and keep it movin'!B you are doing good by venting about it too. bcs alot of people just hold it in and never process the pain of having their trust violated...and it winds up impacting future relation/friend *'ships'* so good job! and of course good character. your a great friend! stay that way! Zay.

Rameer said...

Ms. Brookes - I'm glad you had a great time with your family this weekend! I missed your online presence, I must admit...I actually considered calling you to hear your voice. I know...weird...but I didn't want to bother you knowing you were with family. I sometimes get compelled to hear people's voices - it's very random.

My friend Yolanda once said I'm the "toughest teddy bear on the planet".

Anyways...to address your blog...I'll take it point by point.

I'm really less tolerant of stupidity, drama, foolishness, ignorance, etc. as I get older. My sister has been calling me "Grumpypants" lately cuz I'm soooo intolerant. But I just don't have the patience when I'm forced to be around these people - cuz I know I would have no dalliances with them if I didn't have to.

I'm with momo and Ant on the revealing info thing - I won't reveal anything told to me in confidence unless it's absolutely necessary - and then, I'd do that whether we were friends or not. Example: you tell me you think of killing yourself sometimes, then you disappear unexpectedly for 2 days. It might behoove me to tell that little nugget to the cops and/or your family...

Brooke - I told you before - don't say ANYTHING you don't intend to be on the front page of the Washington Post. If you take that attitude, no one can ever "reveal" anything on you or put you in an awkward situation. Anyone who has said they were going to "tell" anything about me I'm usually like "cool! Post it on billboards! Go on Oprah! I don't give a fizz-uck!" Cuz I don't. there are tow things I require people who know to not tell the world - my actual age and my middle name. The age thing isn't too hard - most people can figure out the age or the range of it; the middle name - I only tell to people I trust unconditionally. Why? Cuz it's mine, and I don't want to share it unless I want to. So I don't.

This situation you are referring to may have happened before I wrote about not putting certain words in the air a while back, so it's understandable. But it's still good advice - cuz you have no idea what humans will do. Best friends become strangers, word up...(Nas)

No here's my contention about what you wrote so beautifully...

I don't agree that when someone does some of the things you described, "they've lost touch with the essence of who they are". Some people - that IS the essence of who they are! They may have hidden it from you ("the greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing the world he DIDN'T exist") but I'm a firm believer in people ARE who they ARE. I go by your actions and consistency in doing them...and some people are simply bad. Some are simply good. Some are in grey areas. Some are addicts. Some are caring. Some are selfless. Some are selfish. Everyone is different, and fills their role in the order of things.

That line sounds to me like you being the same ol', sweet Brooke - still willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the end.

I love the film Saving Private Ryan. On so many levels. But one thing that stands out to me is how the young soldier parts with his own troop to save a German captive. He risks losing the trust and respect of his brethren to spare the man's life, cuz he thinks this guy will take his second chance at life and make the most of it.

Later in the movie he's horrified to see this same soldier gleefully taking part in the slaughter of his comrades. Sick to his stomach and hardened to reality, he eventually kills the man, realizing the horrible mistake he made.

Even God doesn't ask the Devil if he wants a second chance.

You're astute to get what I'm saying without me explaining it...

And I also don't believe in forgiving everyone. I just delete you from my reality when you go over a certain line. I feel people are always saying to forgive or "let it go" with the feeling it is bothering someone if they don't forgive. I am completely cool with living my life without certain people in it. And, in certain instances, I don't believe you are WORTHY of my forgiveness. If you did wrong to me or mine, why do I have to give you peace of mind by offering my forgiveness?

MY forgiveness is special. I give it to many people I love for different reasons. But you can do things that don't deserve it. And, as my mother has said, I can have the coldest heart of any human being you've ever met if pushed to it. I literally can be the difference between you living and dying...and walk away from you leaving you to your death. I may not kill you, but I don't have to save you either.

One of my favorite lines in recent history comes from Jerseys own Joe Budden (one of my favorite MC's):

"I love everybody; don't ask about who I beef with - THEY burnt the bridge, and they were standing underneath it..."

If I won't forgive someone - they caused that reaction, and I don't feel the obligation to forgive 'em. We have free will; think before you act. I do. And I'm completely at peace with it; cuz I won't think about you. And if I'm in your presence, I won't feel uncomfortable, I won't harbor animosity or act funny. You simply won't exist to me, and I won't deal with you in the least bit.

It's that Black & white for me. And mind you - I tend to forgive people I know and love. But I don't love most people. And even the ones I love - if you betray me or someone I love, it makes it WORSE. I've literally ex-communicated people from my family. And it's non-negotiable - we're not talking recently...we're simply not related. I've moved on...don't come near me or mine. Simple.

I guess at the end of the day, I'm at the extreme end of not suffering fools. And I won't go out of my way to be malicious, or harbor feelings of revenge or anything of the sort. I tend to react immediately - if I'm going to get revenge, I'll do it pretty quickly.

Actually, that's not true. My boy Dre says I won't let anything go if I truly want to get revenge for something. This is based on him watching me literally wait for 2 years to get revenge on someone and never revealing to any sole on Earth I had any feelings of vengeance. It shocked everyone - cuz it seemed like it came out of left field to the person I did it to. I had been around the person a million times, no problems, etc.

Ever since then, Dre monitors me if he thinks I have a problem with anyone.

I guess I'm just cruel like that. Maybe Brooke can blog about that one day..."The Hate That Hate Made".

Enough of this therapy session...Dr. Malfi ain't here...

My two cents. Forgiveness is overrated.

Rameer said...

Sorry for the blog within a blog, everybody! I have diarrhea of the keyboard, as you well know...

Mocha Dad said...

You must never compromise your integrity even if you have fallen out with a person. If something was said in confidence, you should do all you can to honor that and maintain the person's trust.

Latinegro said...

I must be tired...had to delete the last comment..

Rameer, you need to have a blog about responding to other blogs...lol

Brooke said...

I can always rely on Rameer to keep it real with me :-) And while I think you're tough, I don't see "hate" in you at all.

As far as forgiveness, I don't look at forgiveness the same way all the time. There is forgiving in the sense of acceptance, and then forgiveness in the sense of letting go to find peace. Forgiveness to me isn't for the other person, something that I give to THEM. It's for ME. Forgiveness to me is somewhat of a mental cleansing...letting go of something that poisons you from within. In some instances, the process of forgiveness is selfish, cuz it sets ME free...not the person I'm forgiving. The person I'm forgiving doesn't have to know that I've done it...most times they have no idea. I don't have to tell them, because they probably don't care, don't remember the offense, or never owned up to it in the first place...so telling them doesn't do anything. To me, forgiveness is an external course of action that creates an internal state of peace.

I will probably have to ask for forgiveness one day - so the only way to ask for it is to give it, whether the person knows it or not. Forgiving doesn't diminish you, it makes you stronger ...especially when the person doesn't deserve it.

Brooke said...

Thanks Mocha Dad...I completely agree with you.

and Zay..I love that quote "don't let someone else's character flaw, flaw your character." I think I'll use that :-)

Rameer said...

Lemme alone, Ant! I gots a lot to say!

***kicks rocks, walks away with hands in pockets***

Anonymous said...

let me be all the way 100! i just had an opportunity to excercise that quote you like and that i say all the time...B and i think i failed horribly. help...i hate being angry...it is so not my character...it drains me as a result. I hate being angry...and quite frankly...you wouldn't like me when I'm angry...
-eyes turning green- lol
Damn...i need a whooosah...Serena, Ant, B, list...what are some good ways to process (in additon to blogging)the disgust you have for someone that you HAVE to deal with.....HELP...-clothes ripping, shoes splitting-zay

Juditesista said...

There is a lesson to learn with every single event that happens in your life. Keep your business to yourself. I've had to learn the exact same lesson myself. An apostle from my church once said "nobody ever went to hell for what somebody else did." So,despite the pain, it is how you react to it which matters to Christ. Stay in the right spirit.

Praise Christ for the lesson.
Your sista in Christ.

Brooke said...

I love that last comment - thank you for sharing that!

Zay, if you want to laugh, call me. I'll help you to not be angry. Usually when I'm angry or upset, I call to speak to Kyce or my sister, or someone else who is always funny and always makes me laugh. You can't be angry talking to a child :-)

Call me!

Annamaria said...

OK sorry I've been MIA all day. I was suffering from my allergies all day yesterday & today but my Mother in law has been wanting to hang out soo I went to spend the day with her. It was great.

Back to the topic at hand Brooke you are a woman of great integrity & I can't ever imagine you stooping to the level of others. IF in fact someone did do this to you then that is THEIR loss not yours. When people end a friendship for whatever reason it is easier to start over & regain that friendship if BOTH parties act in mature way during the time they are not speaking. That being said if the other person acts immaturely (IE:PUTS YOUR DIRT OUT THERE) it's kinda hard to forgive, forget & move on. At least for me it is.... Besides I would feel like they wasn't really my friend if it was that easy to go running off at the mouth.
Don't sweat it.

P.S.-Serena I'll give you a pass JUST FOR TODAY!!! :)

Brooke said...

Sorry about your allergies! And yes, if how you behave while the friendship is on hold is indicative of your true feelings, then I'm not losing anything. It's actually a blessing in disguise :)

Anonymous said...

Juditesista..

good wisdom..it is not what goes into a man that causes him to sin but rather what comes out..if you are being reactionary then you are not being led..by the spirit or common sense for that matter. good advice. now i have to digest it in this situation / lesson..so i can grow and not be lessened. Brooke...difinitely gonna give you a holla.. it's your boooy..ahhh i feel better already....i need to find something to wear my clothes are all ripped up..hellooo laundrymat...lol

Serena W. said...

Zay Buge! B4 there was blogging I of course wrote to get anger and aggression out!

But I pray and meditate on that prayer. I also talk to like minded people...some are my prayer warriors. Not partners...warriors because they would go out to battle for/with me.

Forgiveness is huge for me but I tell people I learned first hand to not just say...I forgive them. In the depths of your heart, soul and spirit you forgive. That person doesn't have to know...you gotta do it so you can move forward and grow.

Physical activity for me is huge too! Zay I miss us hitting the court man! All aggression would be let out. Yeah I saw the eyes turn green b4 lol.

But now I also run, African dance and box. It makes me feel free and I can clear my mind all at the same time.

You'll be okay...don't rip out the shirt yet man.

Latinegro said...

I agree with Serena, you need to do some physical activity. I used to play B-ball when I was pissed! Actually, I will play a competitive video game on the wii and destroy people! (hey dont laugh...it is better than kicking the dog!)

In the end, it is all mental. You need to recognize that haters hate and the world is full of idiots.

Latinegro said...

...wait...Serena, you box? I am so not getting on your bad side...

Brooke said...

I'm going to the gym tonight to do kickboxing, and I think I'm gonna enjoy it :) Best de-stresser. I'd love to play ball tho if I could, I miss that so much. And during March Madness, I REALLY miss it. Today would be a good day to box out some fools and bust some from the pocket :-)

Boxing is fun, I do it on Tuesday nights when I can...but my instructor is a bit of a maniac. He REALLY tries to hit you. Good stress reliever tho!

Georgia Peach said...

@ Rameer- I'll have to read all of your post later, it was LONG, but I'm sure very insightful as always.

- Brooke - I agree that you NEVER reveal something a friend tells you in confidence although with secrets or anything you don't want shared the only way to make sure it remains secret is when one of those who knows is dead. (I think I just killed that saying, but it's also a song too).

Anyhoo keep your head up and continue to be a friend as Momo said. You will attract the right people in life by maintaining your integrity and good character. You can't worry about those others because in the end they are just jealous of you and your blessings.

Peace!

Serena W. said...

Yeah I box in the house. I have gloves but when I get back to the east my sorority sister found a dope kick boxing class for us. We used to go to kick boxing class like 2-3 times a week! I really want a punching bag! Hee hee!

Brooke said...

I need to get some gloves, the sweaty ones at the gym are nasty!

Glee, I agree and I normally keep extremely private things to myself. What she told was nothing that I would care if anyone knew, but I just find it interesting that she's doing this now. It makes me wonder if she's always done this. Actually, I'm sure she has...but I never worried about it since I keep REALLY personal things to myself. She would tell me her other friends' business, so I'm sure I was no exception. Oh well, such is life. But good advice everyone!

Serena W. said...

Yeah I can't box for like a week so box for me Brooke! Had a procedure done today on my right hand so I'm typing with the left! Crazy right!

But start to get the aggression out. As everyone said on this blog you are a beautiful person and in your growth as I've experienced you lose people. Sometimes quietly and sometimes not. It's a result of growth.

Anonymous said...

ok...so i just did some pushups in my cube...and i feel out of breath..i guess when you sucking wind...you dont have time to worry about your situation sucking...wow..thanks guy. ;-)..i think i'm gonna go slap box my boss now...thanks guys!

Anonymous said...

JK...you guys are awesome..appreciate ya! zay buge!
Yo ANT ...that Wii is no joke. especially for people our age who actually go through the motions like its real. Wii boxing wore me out.lol I'm glad they dont have Wii swimming..i'd be knocking shit down in my house trying to do the butterfly stroke..LOL

Serena W. said...

You didn't say butterfly stroke in da house!

Brooke said...

And I'm sure he's dead ass serious :)

Anonymous said...

Brooke...why you going in...lol..the visualization of that was just too funny to me.

Brooke said...

LMAO!!!! I can picture it too!

Serena W. said...

I had to call him! I was cracking up picturing big Zay doing the back stroke in his house!!!!!!!!!!

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