Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Happy Hump Day!
Have you ever just wanted to call bullshit on someone/something – but just figured it wasn’t worth the time or the air in your lungs? That’s the mood I’m in today…for no apparent reason other than it’s Wednesday.
So today, let’s call it “I Call Bullsh*t Wednesday.” Feel free to call bullsh*t on whatever you want today.
I call bullsh*t on liars and fake friends. A doubtful friend is worse than a certain enemy any day.
I call bullsh*t on people who say, “the condom broke.” I know contraception fails, but not that often. Do you know how hard it is to break a latex condom? Those things are pretty strong, so unless you used one that expired in 2002 or used one that was too small – it didn’t break. And if you used one that was too small, you’re an idiot. If you’re a woman who can eyeball a penis and know what size he should wear, but let him use one that was too small anyway, you’re an even bigger idiot. Either the condom was too big and it slid off (you’re not ALL Magnum built) or you didn’t really use one and you’re too embarrassed to admit that you didn’t use one with the jump-off who is now your baby mama/daddy.
I call bullsh*t on “corporate thugs.” You can’t be both. Stop playing. That doesn’t even make sense.
I call bullsh*t on people who say they didn’t get your texts. Yes you did, you just ignored me. I send hundreds of texts, HUNDREDS…and 99.9999% of the time, the person I send them to receives them, reads them, and responds to them. But the ONE text I send you asking you to help me move, or when you can pay me back is the one you “magically” didn’t get. Yet if I send you a text at 2am (when you’re supposed to be asleep) and ask you to come blow my back out, I get a reply within 10 seconds. Yeah, I call bullsh*t on that for real. Your phone works just fine.
I call bullsh*t on cold medicine. Yes, cold medicine. The sh*t doesn’t work – it just puts you to sleep. Damn the pharmaceutical companies and their greed – they can cure the common cold if they wanted to! It’s probably sitting in the same vault with the AIDS and Ebola vaccines. Okay, maybe I just watch too many movies…and am a bit of a conspiracy theorist :-)
I call bullsh*t on fake orgasms. If you still do this – man or woman – you’re just lazy and/or wack. Life is too short to not be broke off properly.
I call bullshit on bisexual men. You’re gay, you just happen to have sex with women to fool us :-) Or you’re just greedy :-) or Tyler Perry.
I also call bullsh*t on straight women who kiss and rub up against other women in order to get a man’s attention. You look silly…and it’s desperate. Where dey do dat at?
I call bullsh*t on any “light” items at a fast food restaurant. If I really wanted to eat healthy, I wouldn’t go to McDonald’s. Period.
I call bullsh*t on people who say they’re too busy to call you back, but update their Facebook and Twitter pages every 5 minutes. Yeah, you can miss me with alla dat.
I call bullsh*t on cable companies who say they don’t have any promotions going on…until you ask them to transfer you to someone to cancel your service. F*ckers!
I call bullsh*t on name droppers. Just because a celeb works out at the same gym you do doesn’t mean you know him.
I call bullsh*t on people who think the first Hangover movie was the best comedy of the century. And for that matter, people who go see movies and say the movie was hilarious simply because someone else or a movie critic said they should. Gimme a break.
I call bullsh*t on people who never call bullsh*t on ANYthing…or who call bullsh*t on EVERYTHING. ;-)