Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I Call Bullsh*t

Happy Hump Day!

Have you ever just wanted to call bullshit on someone/something – but just figured it wasn’t worth the time or the air in your lungs? That’s the mood I’m in today…for no apparent reason other than it’s Wednesday.

So today, let’s call it “I Call Bullsh*t Wednesday.” Feel free to call bullsh*t on whatever you want today.

I call bullsh*t on liars and fake friends. A doubtful friend is worse than a certain enemy any day.

I call bullsh*t on people who say, “the condom broke.” I know contraception fails, but not that often. Do you know how hard it is to break a latex condom? Those things are pretty strong, so unless you used one that expired in 2002 or used one that was too small – it didn’t break. And if you used one that was too small, you’re an idiot. If you’re a woman who can eyeball a penis and know what size he should wear, but let him use one that was too small anyway, you’re an even bigger idiot. Either the condom was too big and it slid off (you’re not ALL Magnum built) or you didn’t really use one and you’re too embarrassed to admit that you didn’t use one with the jump-off who is now your baby mama/daddy.

I call bullsh*t on “corporate thugs.” You can’t be both. Stop playing. That doesn’t even make sense.

I call bullsh*t on people who say they didn’t get your texts. Yes you did, you just ignored me. I send hundreds of texts, HUNDREDS…and 99.9999% of the time, the person I send them to receives them, reads them, and responds to them. But the ONE text I send you asking you to help me move, or when you can pay me back is the one you “magically” didn’t get. Yet if I send you a text at 2am (when you’re supposed to be asleep) and ask you to come blow my back out, I get a reply within 10 seconds. Yeah, I call bullsh*t on that for real. Your phone works just fine.

I call bullsh*t on cold medicine. Yes, cold medicine. The sh*t doesn’t work – it just puts you to sleep. Damn the pharmaceutical companies and their greed – they can cure the common cold if they wanted to! It’s probably sitting in the same vault with the AIDS and Ebola vaccines. Okay, maybe I just watch too many movies…and am a bit of a conspiracy theorist :-)

I call bullsh*t on fake orgasms. If you still do this – man or woman – you’re just lazy and/or wack. Life is too short to not be broke off properly.

I call bullshit on bisexual men. You’re gay, you just happen to have sex with women to fool us :-) Or you’re just greedy :-) or Tyler Perry.

I also call bullsh*t on straight women who kiss and rub up against other women in order to get a man’s attention. You look silly…and it’s desperate. Where dey do dat at?

I call bullsh*t on any “light” items at a fast food restaurant. If I really wanted to eat healthy, I wouldn’t go to McDonald’s. Period.

I call bullsh*t on people who say they’re too busy to call you back, but update their Facebook and Twitter pages every 5 minutes. Yeah, you can miss me with alla dat.

I call bullsh*t on cable companies who say they don’t have any promotions going on…until you ask them to transfer you to someone to cancel your service. F*ckers!

I call bullsh*t on name droppers. Just because a celeb works out at the same gym you do doesn’t mean you know him.

I call bullsh*t on people who think the first Hangover movie was the best comedy of the century. And for that matter, people who go see movies and say the movie was hilarious simply because someone else or a movie critic said they should. Gimme a break.

I call bullsh*t on people who never call bullsh*t on ANYthing…or who call bullsh*t on EVERYTHING. ;-)

Go!

-b

45 comments:

Brian said...

First!

Stef said...

Damn you Brian!

Stef said...

I call bullshit on Brian!

At least throw in a throwback if you're gonna be first!

Annamaria said...

LMAO... I loved this Brooke...

I call bullshit on the COUNTLESS homeowners that walk into my office in jeapordy of losing their home but they pull up in a brand new escalade, brand new movado watch on, no job but don't think that is the problem....

Stef said...

I call bullshit on people who have 5 colors in their hair, long ass fingernails with glitter on them and wear clothes hiked up their asses and then wonder why they can't get a job.

Annamaria said...

piggybacking on Stef's comment...

Add 20 tattoos all on their neck and arms visable to everyone in the world.

Annamaria said...

@Brooke...There was a time when your phone was having a slight text problem... JUST SAYIN... ;o)

The Fury said...

I call bullshit on people who think i should reply to the text message immediately every time. Yo, I live in NYC, text doesn't work underground. Besides, I'm waiting to get a text from Brookey about blowing her back out so you gotta wait! LOL

I call bullshit on Sarah Palin and Donald Trump...and the media for covering that bullshit.

I call bullshit on women playing coy. All that time you're playing coy we could've been having great sex...now look at the time..I gotta go home and wait to see if Brookey texts me.

I call bullshit on people mad at Lebron for leaving a team and going where he wanted to go. What you never left a job you hated, a girl/guy you loathed or a seat a in the theater that was too fucking close? Bullshit dawg, Let that man do what he wants

I call bullshit on bullshit. You ever smell it? They eat grass. why does it smell like that??

I call bullshit on the Republicans, y'all messing with healthcare. Y'all know us Super Sex Heroes/Villains need to stay fit as a fiddle. There are tons of screaming orgasms to initiate.

juslikeu! said...

I like this one Brooke!
I call bullshit on fake ass friends.. guess that's why I don't have any! lol
I call bullshit on the fact that I WAS a wack ass wife, but I now pay as much attention to my husband as I did when we got married! His sex is the bomb!
I call bullshit on the fact that my ac unit isn't working in this big hot ass house and they just put it in and have to come back!
@ Annamaria- I call bullshit on homeowners that after I get them a workout and it's been 2yrs- they have not saved a DIME!
TOO EVERYONE- esp. annamaria- I call bullshit on your drama on the "boring husband"- although after he read it- it seriously changed our lives. for the better! : ) so thanks!
I call bullshit on chicks that "accidentally" have babies with one night stands, then get mad cause your baby daddy doesn't want to participate
I call bullshit on these teenagers having babies, thinking the daddy will always be there- HELLO it didn't work for your mother or homegirl, what makes you any different!

Monica said...

I call bullshit on the people who think the first hangover movie wasn't funny at all...it was lmao

I call bullshit on jealous men. If the woman is with you then it should be clear she doesn't want anyone else and if you think she wants to be elsewhere then you shouldn't be with her.

I call bullshit on people who boast about buying Louie V bags and prada this and gucci but you live in your mom's house and don't own anything.

I call bullshit on women who think its okay to keep men away from their biological children and threaten them with visitation to get them to do whatever they want. If it didn't work out...don't be bitter!

Brooke said...

@Annamaria,

Yes, my personal cell STILL doesn't receive text messages. This is true, and I'm arguing with T-Mobile about sending my replacement. And just like I send hundreds of texts, I receieve just about the same amount - so when I went an entire weekend without receiving a text - my spidey senses told me something was wrong. Once I realized my phone wasn't working, I quickly sent out an email and mass text from my blackberry to let everyone know where to text me until the problem was resolved. That's not the same as randomly deciding which texts to read/respond to or ignore ;)

NO ONE got a text from me, not just you :)

And can I call bullshit on the people who KNEW my phone wasn't working, but then used the excuse - "oh, I called/texted you but forgot your phone wasn't working."

The damn thing hasn't been working for a couple months now and you texted me at my other number yesterday - but TODAY you texted my old phone? Yeah, da f*ck outta here with dat bullsh*t.

Tony said...

I call bullshit on ungrateful ass people. How do I put you in a 3,000 square foot home, it Florida, in a neighborhood with zero crime rate, with two cars, all the love and attention I can give, while you AINT WORKING....and you not be happy because you gotta drive 20 minutes to the closest store????? BULLSHIT!

Sillouette said...

@ Stef...

LMAO!!! Hunny you called that one.

LMAO!!!

Annamaria said...

@Brooke....LMAO... I was just trying to offer an excuse for that sad soul(s) that may have tried to text u.. to the number that wasn't working.. even though they had the new one.. and your BBM pin! LMAO

Brooke said...

Anna,

I did everything but give folks my damn social security number. I sent an email, texted all my friends from my blackberry, gave my bbm pin, my FB, AND my damn tablet number (yes, I can text from my tablet) and people STILL try to tell me they had no way to contact me. F*ck outta here.

Then folks had the nerve to tell me they didn't save my new number. Oh really? Well then you wasn't really tryna be in touch with me - and that will be mentally noted.

@Monica,

I didn't say the Hangover wasn't funny at all - even though it wasn't that memorable to me - but it's not the funniest movie of the CENTURY :)

Tony, if I had a man who gave me all of that, I'd drive an hour to the nearest damn store. Hell, he'd probably go to the store FOR me ;)

I call bullshit on Fury acting like he's watiing on a text from me ;)

@Juslikeu! - I call bullshit on women who get pregnant "accidentally" too - there's this thing called a morning after pill. You wanted that baby - stop playin.

Sillouette said...

To the men and women who feel they should come out of Prison and get a Job making 15hr with no experience and have the nerve to turn down job that "THEY" feel aint good enough for them… GTFOH!!!

Straight BS!!!

Annamaria said...

I CALL BULLSHIT ON 6 OF MY BROTHERS FOR NOT COMING TO THE WEDDING.
I CALL BULLSHIT ON MY SISTER IN LAW FOR SENDING ME AN EMAIL TELLING ME THEY COULDN'T COME BECAUSE SHE COULD TAKE VACATION IN EVERY MONTH OF THE YEAR EXCEPT JUNE...(YEA I DIDN'T BELIEVE THAT EITHER)
I CALL BULLSHIT ON MY OTHER SISTER IN LAW FOR TELLING ME THEY COULDN'T AFFORD TO COME YET SHE CAME BACK FROM IRELAND YESTERDAY...

AND I CALL BULLSHIT ALL THE OTHER FAKE ASS MOFO'S WITH SILLY EXCUSES FOR WHY THEY DIDN'T COME. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE & NO I DON'T BELIEVE YOU BUT IT'S COOL.

I feel much better now.. The caps lock thing was totally me being lazy and not taking it off BUT it kinda worked! LOL

Sillouette said...

I really don’t think it’s wise to bring a child in the world “accidently” and then they find out later. The outcome maaayyyy not be do cute.. ask David Berkowitz… Prime example… So yes the whole it was an “accident” is BS… Totally agree. And even so get the Morning after pill or make other arrangements if possible...

juslikeu! said...

@Monica- I call BS on all BITTER WOMEN! Get over it, ex's, baby mamma's, whatever your title.. if he moved on, or if you moved on.. get over it!

Sillouette said...

@ Justlikeu

I totally agree with you.. Wow your on a roll.. LOL

juslikeu! said...

@ Sillouette- I could say a lot about bitter women! lol Just glad I'm not one!

Sillouette said...

@ Justlikeu

I know thats right. Amen to that sista!!! Jitterness just eats away at you.

I know a few bitter ones myself..smh...lol

Stephanie said...

I'm loving this blog.
I call bullshit on people who get annoyed when you pull their card 4 acting foolish and all of a sudden they were just playing with you. Uh don't play with me I AM NOT A BOARD GAME.
I call bullshit on my cousin Ron who only shows up 2 my house when he's broke. I've already told him don't come here if you don't have any money sucker.
I call bullshit on my bullshit ass employer.If they think I'm gonna do more work 4 the same $$$ they are dreaming.Fire me if you don't like it.
I call bullshit on fake ass people as well.We don't have 2 be friends I don't like you and you don't like me, stay out of my way and I'll stay out of yours.
I call bullshit on family members always lecturing me on my life. " Oh Steph why haven't you called me?" Uh is something wrong with their phone, I mean really.Mind your business.
I call bullshit on the dumb ass foreign travelers who pretend to not speak English. When I tell them my service charge is $ 10, they all of a sudden speak perfect English. Gotta love it

Stephanie said...

@ Annamaria, speak mama, speak, let it all out.The people who showed up were the people who truly care about your union. FUCK everyone else!

CorporateDiva said...

Hey family

I call bullshit on people who call 4pm meetings especially on Fridays.

I call bullshit on this heat!

I call bullshit on people who try to put their shit on you.

I call bullshit on people with T-mobile (dont tase me AM). They know their network is shaky so stop acting like you got Verizon.

I call bullshit on women who have men who want to be a father but DONT want to be with your silly ass and deny access to the kid but make them out to be the loser. Look in the mirror for the loser who laid down with no protection, had the kid and is willing to deprive the child of that relationship in order to feed their ego. aka BITTER PETTY CHILDISH women.

I call bullshit on women that cant meet another woman at a bar and have a casual conversation just like the guys do. Dont be stank!

Thats all for now....maybe more later.

Annamaria said...

@Stepahnie...well they still got 2 weeks but the one's who are coming showed whats up...

And the ones who cared but couldn't come... Did so in a respectful way.

Annamaria said...

@Corporate Diva.. I hate Tmobile tooo.. No tasing here!!!

Corporate Diva next time order a glass of water at the bar & throw it at them stank heiffers...don't throw your drink. It's rude to waste alcohol.

juslikeu! said...

and I call BS on fake ass family members- my aunt would be all up my A** if I hit this $200M powerball jackpot! lol Bet she wouldn't say goodbye to everyone but me again!

Latinegro said...

I call bullshit on Latinos who say they aren't black when they are darker than me.

I call bullshit on those who complain about the heat by wishing it was colder than the when it is colder wish it was hot. -_-

I call bullshit on the poeple who think their lives are so unfair but they never have to worry about where their next meal is coming from.

I call bullshit on those who take forever to get back to me on text then get made when I stop texting period.

The Fury said...

I call bullshit on people who hate that I text message them. F#ck that, B, I don't like talking on my cellphone...That shit causes brain tumors.

I call bullshit on the WHO for acting like this cell phone cancer thing is new.

@Annamaria - That's not cool with the wedding guests...I'm not calling bullshit on them. I'm calling foul.

@Brooke - text me...I dare you...what's that excuse? Bullshit! LOL

Whoever called bullshit on the heat, mother nature just called bullshit on you in NY and now it's about to rain :-(

I call bullshit on the women that say they don't give head then suck it up like a hoover.

..but I appreciate the hoover

Latinegro said...

haha! Fury! I was about say something about women who claim they don't give head..lol

Sillouette said...

Oh man, You guys are really preaching up in here today!! bout to make me cach the holy ghost!!!
Preach On! Preach On!!!

@ The Fury!! Amen on the phone thing, I hate talking on the phone too. TEXTING 100%.. And not that you said a "HOOVER"!!! LOL

Brooke said...

Women who don't give head? "I look at them like a beta max - they still make you?" - Chris Rock

LOL!

Yes, whoever called bullshit on the heat is messing up my day! I don't want it to rain!

How about peple who call you when they know you're not home, or when you're on the train so they can have an excuse not to talk to you. If you don't wanna talk to me, then stay off my phone. No sleep will be lost - cuz I probably didn't wanna talk to your ass either :)

I call bullshit on people who call meetings to talk about meeting another time.

Brooke said...

I also call bullshit on my teenage cousins who are in bikini pics on FB. If you're reading my blog, go put some damn clothes on!

The Cable Guy said...

I call bullshit on chick who act like they don't want a relationship, say they can handle being sex buddies, then catch feelings talking about "you used me!"

What? We used each other!

Agree with Fury and Ant on girls who front like they don't give head, or have a freaky side. I get acting like a lady in public, but don't talk shit about Kat Stacks and Amber Rose when you can "out-hoe" both them b*tches!

Jaz said...

I call bullshit on Brian who was first and then didn't comment on what he calls bullshit on! LOL!

Jay said...

"I get acting like a lady in public, but don't talk shit about Kat Stacks and Amber Rose when you can "out-hoe" both them b*tches!"

DEAD.

Brian said...

LOL @ Stef and Jaz. Better late than never, right? Here are mine.

I call bullsh*t on the NBA. They're acting like this is a real sports league and what-not when we all know it's staged. Two words: sports entertainment. I'm convinced that they have the same writers as the WWE.

Also "reality" TV gets the BS mark. Reality? Really? When I can call with absolute certainty the season finale of your "real" show, it's called scripted TV.

Last but not least is celebrity meltdowns. Don't believe them. You need more people. When your career is about to go into the tank, other than leaking a sex tape this is your best go-to option of public embarrassment.

Good topic Brooke!!!

The Fury said...

LMAO @ Brooke using the Chris Rock line. Yes, there are some women who still claim to not go down...

@Brooke - you can't really call bullshit on your teenage cousins and the pics. You can however, call their parents...LOL

I call bullshit on this Anthony Wiener faux controversy of him tweeting a pic. The media is calling it nonsense while reporting on it every 5 minutes. Bullshit

Brooke said...

@Fury,

I know I can't call my young cousins on this, but I just wanted to put it out there since I know they AND their parents read the blog - they need a switch!

I haven't turned my tv on all day - what is this Anthony Wiener business. I feel like I never turn my tv on now that Oprah is gone :(

@Brian,

The term for "real life" television that seems fake is not "scripted" (because that would mean they emply writers) - it's called "overly produced." :)

Thomas said...

I call bullshit on these punkass colleges and universities running up in parents because they know you and your kid want to attend their school...so they charge you like a 'Ragin Bull' who's full of shit!

The Fury said...

It's bullshit Brooke don't even worry about the Anthony Wiener nonsense...

Damn @Brooke just dry snitched on her little cousins. She didn't even go full snitch. LOL

Brooke said...

"Dry snitching"? LMAO!

But honestly, I didn't snitch on anybody. Their parents are on FB more than they are, and they see that mess...and condone it. So I'ma stay out of their business.

juslikeu! said...

Sorry folks! There are still women that don't go down! I'm living in 2011, but that's one thing i've tried a few times and just can't get into it.. besides my jaws won't allow me to open wide.. lol

Brooke said...

you might need to do some jaw/neck exercises or something :)

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