Friday, June 24, 2011

Dear Brookey,

This is a bit personal, but aren't all "Dear Brookey" letters? Anyway, I'm writing you because my boyfriend has been hinting....ALOT lately, that he'd like to try/have a threesome. I feel like all men want this fantasy, so when he first mentioned it, I didn't think much of it. But he's been bringing it up more and more lately. Is this something I should be worried about? What do you think this means?

-Worried.

Dear Worried,

It means he wants to have sex with another woman - DUH!

okay...maybe that was harsh...let me back up.

It means he wants to have a threesome. Now, WHY he wants to have one may be what you're really asking.

If this guy is your boyfriend, I can see why you'd be worried...assuming he wants the threesome with another woman. If he wants it specifically with another man, then that might give you another reason to be worried....but PAUSE: we'll come back to that.

Bringing another woman into your bedroom could be a good way to ruin a relationship. Watching your man have sex with another woman might conjure up feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, insecurity or guilt - none of which is healthy in a relationship. And from the tone of your letter, insecurity is already creeping up.

If you've talked about it and you've hinted that you might be open to it, then he simply could be asking you to help him fulfill a life long fantasy. But if he's brought it up before and you've shut him down...and he keeps asking, he might just be using the threesome as a way to have sex guilt-free with another woman. If that's the case, he's trying to play you for the fool jack. Don't fall for the okie doke.

Maybe he thinks it'll spice up your love life. I don't know how long you've been together, but maybe he's bored with the sex, but not you. Maybe he thinks seeing another woman with her breasts all up in your face is hot and he wants to get off that way. Maybe he thinks it'll turn you on. Are you experimental otherwise? If you've done everything under the sun but that, then maybe he's gotten the impression from you that you'd be down for whatever.

If you're not experimental, then maybe this is his way of asking to you be a bit more adventurous. If the threesome thing spazzes you out, try other stuff first. A new position, anal, toys, handcuffs, blindfolds, new locations, porn - who knows. If spice is what he needs, give it to him in other ways until you either work your way up to a threesome, or find that he no longer needs a threesome because you've pleased and excited him in other ways.

Point blank: If you don't want to do it, then don't. If he can't respect that, then I think you need to question his motives and how strong your relationship really is. Maybe he hasn't sown all his royal oats yet and needs time to get it all out of his system...in which case I say, let him. Without you.

By the way, if he wants to have a threesome with a man - especially if that man is a friend or his brother - this man doesn't love you. Most women who have been "wifed up" feel that if their man loves them, he wouldn't want to share her with anyone - especially not with one of his boys or a relative. I have to say I agree. That's just skeevy. If he wants to do it with a stranger, ask him if he enjoys the company of men over women and get the hell outta there.

Okay, so maybe that's extreme...but it would give me pause...jus sayin'. Two erect penises in the same room just seems suspect to me. But that's just me. It doesn't have to be YOU. Again, he could just be a freak who wants to see you pleased by another man. If it floats your boat, rock with it. If he hasn't brought up a threesome with a man, ask him if he'd consider it. If he says "hell no!" then you have leverage to say no to him.

Sounds to me like you ain't wit it, man or woman. And that's okay. He should respect your boundaries and nurture his relationship with you rather than obsess over this fantasy.

How about this: Ask him if there's reason for you to be concerned. Novel ideal right?

Have a talk with him to see what his REAL reasons are for wanting a threesome, and give some good thought to the state of your relationship. If you feel it's working, is strong and healthy and can withstand a threesome (and you're interested) then maybe you'd like it - provided you both feel safe to explore within any boundaries you set. If you feel the relationship is strong, but you're not interested, then I'd say keep another woman out of your bed.

But if you feel your relationship is on rocky ground, then re-assess the relationship entirely and throw the threesome idea out the window. Let him go get his freak on with someone else, and you find a boyfriend who respects you, your comfort level and your feelings.

What say the blog family?

Go!

-b

24 comments:

Latinegro said...

First Bitches.... :)

Sillouette said...

Good Morning ALL!!! Dang Latinegro, you be on it!!! lol :)

Sillouette said...

My advice to this letter is DONT DO IT!! And I only say that because intimacy in a realtionship should be shared with the person you care about and love NOT Jane and Tom too. But what I do know from people I know who has tried it. It is defintiely a recipe for disaster. It just DOES NOT end with a happy ending when it all comes down to it. Threes a crowd and the saying is very true. Tell your boyfriend that you are NOT into that and that you feel they should try another route to maybe spice things up. Dont do this just to please him if this is not what your into ,because believe me you, you will be the one with your feelings hurt.. You say that you believe all men have this fantasy.. Well just about all men will just about go for almost anything when sex with another woman is involved and if they think that can get away with it they will definitely jump on it without hesistation of their are no room for consequences for them to suffer(just my opinion). So be HONEST and stern that you dont want to do it. And if he keeps pressing you about it, it means he clearly does not respect your wishes or feelings and he is being down right selfish. And it maybe be a sign that you may need to move on. If this is a strong desire of his he will do it with out you with two other women to forfill this desire if its strong enough. Dont be afraid to speak up because you are afraid of losing him, or the realtionship ending. You have to do what feels good to you and what you are able to live with on your spirit and conscious. You dont want any regrets and look silly and played in the end, it dont feel good sweety...Good luck

Latinegro said...

As a man who has be fortunate enough to actually have had a 3 some, I will say that his motives are the key element here. There is just a distinct possibility that he just might be freak and wants to go down that road.

If you decide that you are down...then you should be the one to pick the female. If he does, then you know who he has been wanting to fuck. But, who knows, you may be ok with that. It all depends on the level of confidence you have in the relationship as Brooke said.

Something to think about is, what if he likes this chick and wants to see her again after the deed is done, but this time without you? That is something that is worth considering. Don't get me wrong, there a plenty of happy couples who live the swing life.

He may not tell you that he just wants to have sex with other woman so you will have to assess the situation. I will say though, if he wants it bad enough he may end up doing it with or without you.

Anonymous said...

Latinegro you a bad motha... (shut yo mouth) I'm only talkin bout latinegro!!!

**pretty ricky whatdeycall'em

Jay said...

I may be the odd man out here, but not every man wants a threesome. Nothing about it is really appealing to me. Eh well.

But I agree with Ant, be careful if he already has a girl picked out. He's been wanting to bang this chick longer than you think and is just trying to do it with your permission. And like Ant said, if he winds up enjoying her a little more than he should, he may feel he's entitled to sleep with her again WITHOUT you since you opened that door.

It's clear you don't want to do it, so don't. If he can respect that, bounce.

Jay said...

if he "can't" - typo.

Good advice B.

Yolanda said...

I think if you're asking for advice, then you don't really want to do it. I would let homeboy know it makes you uncomfortable and then move on if he has an issue with it. I know that I wouldn't be able to handle it (ok, maybe if it was two dudes...LOL, is that considered a train, BTW?). Any who, I know my stubborn Taurus issues of jealousy and possessiveness wouldn't allow me to bring another woman into my relationship, even for one night. Best of luck to you, Miss Worried.

And Ant......I'm seeing you with different eyes! Heh heh.

Stef said...

Ant is a PIMP!!!

and that's nasty! LOL!!

Couldn't do it. And I think "Worried" can't do it either, or she wouldn't be WORRIED! Your man sounds shady if he keeps bringing it up. Cut his ass loose so he can go be a dog in the street, cuz he's gonna do it with or without you.

Domina*Tricks said...

I've participated in a threesome, but both times (once with another woman, another time with 2 men) it was with people that I was NOT in a relationship with. Sexual freedom and fun are great, but relationships to me are sacred and I don't like to share my man or woman with anyone. Emotions are involved and feelings can get hurt. And it's not worth it.

I'm sure there are some couples who can do it no problem, but it most likely has to be with a complete stranger that you'd never see again. And be prepared to do it more than once if it's an enjoyable experience, cuz he might get hooked.

If you don't want to do it, then don't do it. If he presses, he's not the one for you.

The Cable Guy said...

@Worried,

Don't do it. You ain't wit it and he wants to bone someone else. It's gonna happen without you boo, if it hasn't already. Be out.

...but they ARE fun though ;)

Hayden said...

You know that sad part about threesomes is that they aren't what you see in the movies (even though mines were...but I digress). Someone always gets neglected and often times its the woman (in a MFF romp) that is already in the relationship. The new chick is more interesting to the man and he'll want to explore those grounds while leaving his own lawn unattended. Brooke has given you some sound advice however...IF you decide to do it, set some ground rules to protect yourself:

-no penetrating the second woman.
-Both your man and the next person should focus on you.
-you pick the third person
-YOU make the arrngements. Don't let him set stuff up or he will start making side arrangements and play it off like he was performing "quality control" checks.
-Try to do it when you're not in your home town. That makes it more difficult for you to constantly bump into the third person if things go wrong.

Now I am not advocating that you take a trip down this path Buuuuut if you do, protect yourself. It could be very fun.

Stef said...

Hayden has some good rules!

You all are pros!

The Cable Guy said...

Ant and Hayden be gettin' it IN!

Tony said...

There are two sides to this....Either he is freaky and he just wants to experiment with you (not a bad thing) or he is already scouting other women (which is a bad thing) It's up to you to figure out which one it is.

If you want to do a freaky test, simply ask him to do a threesome with you and another man. No touching between them or anything but just ask him to watch you enjoy another man....If he is a freak he will agree. If he is being sneaky he will immediately squash all talk of another dude.

Been there.....Done that

Stef said...

Tony always has a story :)

The Cable Guy said...

@Tony,

was there any donkey punching involved? If he's a freak, then YES! LMAO!

Tony said...

@Stef.....this is one story I ain't telling!

Tony said...

@Cable Guy..........*_* dead! lmao....no Donkey punching!

The Cable Guy said...

I told a couple of my boys that story and I think they subscribed to Brooke's blog as a result. They were like "yo, what kinda shit y'all be talking about!?"

I told them "Brooke's cousin Tony's stories are the best" - they read just for the comments now. When you guest bloggin' bruh? I can't believe she hasn't asked you yet!

Tony said...

@Cable Guy

She has.....I am not a writer though so I turned her down. I can make comments all day and if I have a story relevant to the post then I am ok but for me to sit down and write a blog with a point?.....Not for me.

The Cable Guy said...

aw damn...ok, cool. Maybe Brooke can ghost write it for you.

Tony said...

That's a possibility!

Serena W. said...

*Chiming in late*

I'd like to know how long have the two been together and just how serious is it between them? I'm a firm believer in not doing something if it's not in my heart. Agreeing with the blog fam here...don't do it because you sound as if you don't want too.

Tony I think you could write a blog...stop frontin'

Ant...all I have to say is wow! LOL!

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