Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Destination: Dating

Happy Hump Day!

So it seems yesterday’s Dear Brookey letter and subsequent advice struck a nerve with some people – not necessarily with the commenters on the blog, but with a few folks who contacted me offline. They were of the thought that men were supposed to pay for dates…at least early on anyway. And some felt that it is ALWAYS a man’s job to treat his lady…no matter how much money he or she may make - and that was from men AND women. They said those were “just the rules.”

The dating/courtship process, it seems, hasn’t gotten any easier, even though we’ve been doing it since forever. Before we even get to decide who pays for the date, we have to get to the actual date first. “I have her number, now what?” is a question a lot of men stress over. “He texted me instead of calling me, so is this a casual thing or is this a real date?” Women have no clue. Why do we make things more complicated than they need to be?

I guess it’s because we have preconceived ideas of how things are “supposed” to be. But with technology and women asserting their independence more and more, “traditional” views of dating and courtship can get a little murky. So instead of telling you all how I think dating and courtship should flow in my world, I’m going to pose the questions to all of you today to get a sense of your different perspectives when it comes to this topic.

Let’s see what you have to say :-)

1. Men – once a woman gives you her number and lets you know she’d be interested in a date, do you ask her on the spot or wait to contact her? And if you wait to ask her out, how much time do you let pass after getting her number before you contact her for the date?

Women – how long do you give a man to contact you after you give him your number before you write him off?

2. Men – when first contacting a woman, do you call or text her? And why?

Women - if a man texts you as his first contact with you after getting your number – is that a no-no in your book, or is that permissible?

3. If you suggest the date, do you plan it completely, or do you decide to do something spontaneous once you meet up?

4. If you suggest the date or do the asking, do you automatically assume that you’re paying for the date?

5. What is a typical first date for you? Drinks, dinner and/or a movie, or something off-beat, different and fun?

6. Do you plan something expensive for the first date in order to impress him/her, or keep it simple and on the "economy" side as not to pressure either of you?

7. Do you plan dates for the weekend, or is a weekday easier for you most times?

8. Men – do you plan dates around payday? Or do you suggest getting together even if you can’t plan/pay for a date that week? Women, do you expect to be wined and dined at every meeting and only prefer to be contacted when he can afford to take you out, or are you willing to spend time with someone even if it means you can’t go out to dinner or a movie? If he can’t pay, do you offer to treat him to a night out?

9. How many dates constitutes “dating” in your opinion? How long do you date before you expect to be considered in an exclusive relationship? Do you have a cutoff before you move on to dating someone else if you aren’t in an exclusive relationship? ie:…say, after 6 months?

10. When dating, do you tend to date one person at a time, or do you typically date several people at once until an exclusive relationship is established?




BatMan said...


JUSTBNME said...

Dang it BatMan!

Yolanda said...

Dates? What's a date?

People actually GO places together instead of just texting?

Where is this land you speak of?

Annamaria said...


What's with all the rules regulations & hooplah. Why can't 2 people go out & kick it & get to know each other & figure it out as they go along????????????????
Take things for what they are...

SarKism said...

boo...single people questions.....

BatMan said...

Good One Yolanda!! You are so right!!

Brooke said...

wow, the questions were THAT hard? :-)

Rameer The Circumstance said...

A lot of these may not have simple answers for me, cuz I have no "script" if what I do each time:

1. It depends on the encounter. I've asked women out right on the spot, waited until we spoke or saw each other gain, waited days, truly depends. As far as how much time I let pass before I contact her? Again - depends on the person. My current girlfriend wasn't contacted by me until almost a week after we first met. By then, it had given me a chance to ask about her and get an accurate scouting report of who she is and what type of woman she is - which helped me determine if I should even bother.

2. I call her. Texting is when I know a person or I'm too busy to talk/hold a convo. I like to be as personal as possible when getting to know someone - I think texting a potential love interest you don't already know is wack, honestly.

3. Again - depends on the person and circumstance. I don't like to necessarily force what I think is a good idea down a woman's throat, cuz maybe she wouldn't be feeling what another woman would. So I'd rather discuss and come up with something mutually agreeable to make the experience as cool as possible.

4. Do I automatically ASSUME? HELL NO. We discuss it down to the detail, and I always try to get a sense of what type of person I'm dealing with. If I'm dealing with some nonsensical broad who thinks I should wine and dine her for weeks for the *opportunity* to start a romantic, get your hungry, non-empowered, backward-ass thinkin' self ON. If you're A WOMAN and we can discuss and break down who pays for what, expectations, etc. - cool. I'm great with going Dutch. As I said yesterday, spending without pause is reserved for loved ones and people I'm cool with. Not Get-Over-Jenny...

5. I don't know. I guess a typical date would be to meet in a nice place I know she'll feel comfortable at, where we can enjoy ourselves but really get to know each other. A movie first date is wack - you don't talk to each other. You sit in the dark and watch a film. Dinner can be cool; depends on the person and place.

I like to try to plan something that will give us at least a few hours time together. 3-5 hours usually means a good date.

6. I NEVER plan something expensive to try and impress a woman. If she's worried about my bank account moreso than ME - go find a simp. We could never be a duo, cuz I'm definitely NOT THE ONE...

7. Again - depends on the person. I can do weekdays or weekends.

8. I've never planned dates around pay day, except when I was in college (money was SCARCE!). I usually have money to do something if I want.

9. There's no number for me...but if we talk regularly, and have been out more than 2-3 times in a 2 week span...we're dating or getting close to it. I have no time limit or number of dates for when we're in an exclusive relationship, but then again - I'm extremely upfront and communicative about what I want and how I'm feeling about someone. So she'd know, and WE'D know what's up.

10. If I'm dating more than one person, I ALWAYS let the women know. Before we even go out. I'm VERY upfront, and have no problem telling them the deal so they can make the choice if they want to go forward or not. I def don't do just one person at a time, unless I feel that one person is VERY special and worth my complete attention from the jump.

Yolanda said...

I just can't even wrap my mind around the questions right now. The current state of the text/email relations, plus the "whatchu doing, can I come over?" calls (which really means come over and watch your HBO and eat your food) has me a little gloomy on the dating scene right now.

But, I'm an optimist. LOL

Jay said...

Since no one else is brave enough to answer :)

1. Usually I'm trying to set the date up AS I'm getting her number. I take the number, say we should get together that weekend if she's free, then I call to give details. But most times it just depends on the situation/surroundings. If I have to wait to ask her out, I usually call the next day. That may seem thirsty to some dudes, but I don't like to play games. If I'm feeling you, I want to get to know you and I make the date no more than 2-3 days after getting the digits if possible.

2. I call. Texting as first contact is for suckas.

3. I plan the date, but I keep an open mind when it comes to spontaneity.

4. If I ask, I pay.

5. I try not to have "typical" first dates. I ask what she's into and go from there. It really depends on the woman, the season, weather, etc. Many things come into play.

6. See #5, depends on what we're doing. I've had expensive first dates and dates that didn't cost me a dime. All about the vibe and the woman.

7. Usually the weekends since weekdays are hard for me.

8. I don't plan dates around payday because I usually have money to play a "dating fund." If I don't have any extra cash for something I'd like to do, I find inexpensive ways to show her a good time so I can still see her without puttin a hurtin on my wallet.

9. I play that by ear. If we've been going out, say, 2 times a week for at least a month, I can say I'm "dating" her. But as for an exclusive relationship, there is no time limit on that. I can be exclusive within 3 months, or it can take up to a year if not longer. I usually know pretty quickly though if she's someone I want to date exclusively or not.

10. I date one woman at a time.

Jay said...

Sorry Rameer, I was typing as you commented.

Jaz said...

I hear you Yolanda, it's a sad state when you're looking forward to a text or email from someone - and not an actual PHONE CALL. Where are all the real men at? Besides Rameer and Jay who are taken!? LOL!

I mean, a text? Really? Men who text more than or RATHER than call are wack! I guess they're just not that into me :)

Rameer The Circumstance said...

@ Jigga - it's cool...

@ Jaz - thanks for the compliment!

Jay said...


I'm not taken (hint, hint Brooke)

I don't get dudes who text all the time. Well...actually I DO get it. If a dude is texting you instead of calling, he's not really feeling you. Period.

Stef said...

1. If a man doesn't contact me after a week, I lose interest, and I assume he's not really into me.

2. If I give a guy my number and he texts me first rather than calls me, I don't respond. That's wack.

3. I plan it, but with his input.

4. I expect to pay if I ask.

5. I have to be honest, it's usually dinner a movie. That's safe. My dates usually get more creative as I get to know someone.

6. I rarely pay for a first date, but if I do, it's on the economy side. We already know I don't like paying for dates! :) LOL!

7. Weekend most times so that we don't have to worry about being out late and waking up early to get to work on time.

8. I'm willing to hang out with a guy even if we don't do anything fancy. And if I really want to do something, I'll offer to treat.

9. If we've been going out steadily for 2 months, I'd say we were dating. But labeling something a relationship can happen at any time so long as both parties talk it out and agree.

10. If I'm really feelin' the guy, I only date him. But I've been learly of most men, so I date alot of men at once cuz ultimately a few fall off :)

Anonymous said...

1 I used to wait two or three days. That was until I got the digits from this young lady that looked like T-Boz from her "Creep" video days! She had the haircut and all that...I got her number on like a Monday and I called her on a Thursday to set something up for the weekend. So I call her on Thursday, I identified myself and how and when we met. This chick starts screaming in the phone and says "oh yeah, I remember you, I thought you were interested in me; why did you wait until Thursday night to call me?" She then tells me never to call her again and hangs up! Figured that approach was the wrong one and from that experience I started to set up plans at the time of number exchange. I usually give a call the following day to gauge strength of interest and perform a follow up phone call to confirm any date plans that may have been discussed previously! I became very structured!

2. I always call ! Except for when I had the 2-Way pager back in the day! It was cool to do the texting thing!

3. Spontaneity is the key!

4. I ask, I pay!

5. Varies! I have done concerts, bowling, eating out, playing dodge ball, Knicks game, Yankees, Off Broadway, Broadway, 40/40 club to catch a premiere fight (my first date with wife), Karaoke, miniature golf, batting cage, just chillin in Central Park, Zoo. Macy’s on 34th Street to watch this young lady try on different clothes (quite fun!, but I aint buying nothing!)

6. I just look to do something fun!

7. I am flexible, prefer the weekends though!

8. Always have money aside to have fun!

9. I don’t think it is how many times, but rather when two parties communicate that they have an interest in seeing one another exclusively. I know women and men alike can hang and chill with one another exclusively for months and do things that can be perceived as dating but really not be dating because both parties aren’t on the same page!

10. If I am lucky 2 at a time! (Preferable)


Brooke said...

do most men prefer to date more than one woman at a time - or do their finances usually determine that? ;)

The Cable Guy said...



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