Tuesday, February 16, 2010

No Time Wasters Please

Happy Tuesday people!

I neglected to mention I was taking the day off from blogging yesterday - so sorry about that! I just needed a day to relax...but I'm back!

So I was catching up with an old friend recently - seeing where we were in each other's lives since the last time we spoke. I asked about her love life and she asked about mine.

Friend: "What's up with _________ ?"

Me: "He's okay, I guess...haven't really spoken to him."

Friend: "But I thought you two were getting along?"

Me: "We were, did...for a while. But he's pretty much Black History now."

Friend: "Well, what about __________, you know...the cute one?"

Me: "Black History too...he was nice, and he's still cool...but I had to keep it moving."

Friend: "You sure don't waste any time do you?"

Me: "Nope."

She hit the nail on the head - I don't waste any time. I don't like my time wasted, and I don't like to waste any one else's. I have no problem getting to know someone, slowly. But there's a difference between taking your time feeling someone out and getting to know them...and wasting time.

I've found that the older I get, the more I know what I want...and the less time I waste in getting it. That is true in several areas of my life - whether it's my career, my weight loss goals...and more importantly, my relationships. If there is no connection, then we can be friends. I'm not gonna wait around to see if one develops. We're either feeling each other or we're not. And I'm not talking about a simple physical connection. That's the easiest to detect. It's either there or it's not.

But what I'm talking about a real connection. Mental, emotional, spiritual. Do we want the same things? Are we on the same path? Am I a rebound? Are you sure you're really "available." Are you truly "single?" Are you just trying to "get yourself right?" I ask all of these questions directly - and often. I pull no punches. And if the answers aren't in alignment with mine, then it's time to keep it moving. Plain and simple.

We all know when someone is into us. We know when someone genuinely likes us. In my 20's, I could entertain several guys at a time, because I wasn't interested in settling down. So that meant I kept a few stragglers around here and there to hang out with if I wanted company - even if I knew I wasn't really that into them, or vice versa. They'd re-appear every few months like clockwork - and I kept my steadies in rotation.

Now, I don't have time.

Now, don't get me wrong...that doesn't mean I love 'em and leave 'em - or chew them up and spit them out. Just because a man doesn't want what I want, or there is no love connection, doesn't mean we can't be friends or that I'll never speak to him again. Quite the opposite actually. I have A LOT of male friends who are all great guys.

But there'll be no sex. No late night booty calls. No, "Let me come check you real quick" text messages. We're cool, and that's it. Don't pretend to want more, or have your cake and eat it too...because you'd just be wasting both of our time. If there is no romantic future - then save the "sexting" for someone who wants that.

A time waster isn’t just someone who doesn’t show up or call when they say they will - that's the easy one to spot. The ones I'm wary of are the ones who talk a good game when it's time to "come lay up" - but when you talk about your feelings or what they want for the future - they are “not sure” or are “confused.” At my age, it’s really quite simple to figure out - you either like someone and want to see where it goes or want it to work out - or you don’t. I'm not suggesting you lay it all out on the line in the initial stages of a relationship - like the first 3 months. But after 6 months to a year, you know...or at least you have an idea.

The biggest time waster is the one who is only dating you to sort themselves out - either after a divorce or coming out of a long term/bad relationship. And as sure as the leaves will turn colors, when they are “better” - they're ready to move on. This could be called a rebound, and unfortunately we have all been there. The trick now is to recognize when you ARE the rebound so that you can keep it moving...or at least keep that person at arm's length. And if you're using someone else, you need to be honest with yourself about it and determine if it's fair to waste someone else's time. It's not cool to be selfish.

As our conversation went on, I told her it wasn't about being "mean" when it comes to dating. Like I said...at my age, I've just become very good at analyzing the situation and seeing what it really is vs. what I want it to be. It's always best to have a sense of humor when it comes to dating, and to have fun and to not take things personally - but it's equally important to read the signs, in between the lines and to not waste anyone's time either. If you're not sure, then here are some things I've learned on how to avoid, or be careful when dealing with time wasters:

Don't put all your eggs in one basket - date different people. At the same time.
Never put yourself out for a first or new date.
Never travel too far to meet someone consistently - especially if you're the only one doing it.
Take everything that is said with a pinch of salt until you find the truth.
Don’t get your expectations up - set out to have fun and that's it.
Take what a person says as truth - not what you want to hear.
You can't change anyone.
If their behavior is inconsistent, or they don't call or show up when they say they will - keep it moving.
If they wasted your time once, they'll do it again for as long as you allow it.
If they're not truly "single" or are "in between relationships" (whatever that means) - then RUN.
If they "just" broke up with their ex - be careful. And keep your options open.

Feel free to add more.

You will go through some frogs before your prince(ss) arrives, so that's to be expected. If you know what you want in a relationship, make sure the person you're spending the majority of your time with wants the same thing. If they don't, then don't spend the majority of your time with them - it's that simple. I'm not saying don't be friends or hang out. Just limit your time (and emotions) with them. If your relationship didn’t go as planned, then shake it off - and on to the next one. Put it down as a life experience or putting in the leg work. The more you date, the more you'll know what you want...and don't want. If the person you've just met isn't walking the same path - don't go down theirs...stick to your own. Life is too short to be wandering around aimlessly wondering what's going on - and my time is precious. Once it's gone, you can't get it back...so spend it wisely...and with the right person.

-b

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

first bitches

Stephanie said...

FIRST BITCHES... YEA BOI

Anonymous said...

oops....first bitches...D&G mom

Stephanie said...

dammit u got me

phillygrl said...

I have GOT to comment on this. I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with Brooke on this one. Back in the day, similarly to Brooke, I'd party the night away with this & that guy, hang out here, travel there, etc..NOW...please, DONT WASTE MY TIME.

I was in barbershop getting my son a haircut abt 3 weeks ago(I've known the barber for abt 20 years, friend from college). a guy came in & just started shooting the breeze, as men do in Barbaerships, I was getting ready to leave. The guy caught my attention, good looking, had a swagger abt him etc.

So I call Wanza later that night like who was your boy?! & IS HE MARRIED?, he laughed, we had a few comments & he says can I give him your #, Im like yes.(he never said the guy was or wasn't married just laughed & kept the convo rolling---so that got me to thinking)
Dude calls me, check this out this NEGRO is married with 3 kids!...I'm like WTF? I politely excused myself from the phone like I'm not looking for this!He's like hold up, everything is cool, I can have friends yadda yadda..Dude had a slick mouth, Im like you know what,you KNOW better! I can't beleive it.
any how, friends or no freinds, should NOT have happened.SHEESH! I mean , REALLY!

Stephanie said...

WOW you hit it on the nail Brooke.I think people show their true intentions right out of the gate. We are just to busy and excited as to the possibilities of what could be that we waste our own time waiting around for what could happen.When I was single ( 8years straight) I was on the same page that you are I didn't have anytime to be wasted. My older brother use to tell me my problem was that men can see that I am the type of women that can't be fooled. he would say Stef " your the kind of woman a man marries, there no game playing with you, that's why you don't get approached as often or only go out on 2 to 3 dates with a guy."he would also say a man likes to feel like he has a little leg room to tell a white lie every now and then until he figures out where his heart is at. with you that's just not possible.So I would reply, screw that don't waste my time. you can either have a steak( a quality women) or a hamburger( a hoodrat) for dinner. I think I'm high grade steak. Men who waste your time are burger men, and you can even blame them. Some men need to only deal with a burger quality women because they can do whatever they want and get away with it. It takes a different kind of man to handle that high grade melt in your mouth I can't get enough will never forget it in a million years steak.

Stephanie said...

@Phillygirl see the dude that gave the number to you had to know this guy was married. You asked him directly, so he wasted your time too.that's not right. It's like some men will do anything to help the NEXT MAN get laid. I mean really tacky if you ask me.

Brooke said...

I agree with Stephanie, why would your "friend" not be honest with you about his marital status? And does he think you're the type of woman who would entertain that? I think I'm more upset with him than the married guy!

Stef said...

Brooke, Brooke, Brooke! So true!

And this doesn't just pertain to romantic relationship, but girlfriends too! I don't have time to waste with ANYONE anymore.

But since we're talking about relationships, I hate a guy that will tell you one thing, but mean the other - or flat out lie about it - just to have their cake and eat it too. That's the textbook definition of selfishness. And I don't have time for it. Some men are content dealing with alot of women until they figure out what they want, but they know being honest with them means they might not get their way, so they lie, or give you false hope. Trust me fellas, there ARE women who want just what you want - to keep things light and easy. So stop wasting the time of women who want more. For some men, it's just easier to lie than be a real man.

And then people wonder why we're all single.

Jay said...

Brooke,

This blog can be used to describe men AND women - friendships and relationships. No one likes to be strung along or lied to for someone else's selfish gain. Time wasters are the worst kind of people because they're only thinking about themselves and how to get what THEY want.

I'm glad you've gotten to a place where you can recognize when your time is being wasted. Never apologize for that. People can't waste your time unless you let them - and it's YOUR time, and you should cherish it and spend time with those you give you that same love and respect back. If they don't, then keep it moving, and let them find someone else's time to waste. More people should do the same instead of hoping that the other person "comes around."

Good blog B.

Renee said...

Brooke,

You need to get out of my head!

I was JUST having this conversation the other day with a girlfriend of mine. She was telling about a guy who said he wanted to give her the world - but meanwhile he had a girlfriend that he was "on the outs with."

HUH??

Gimme a break. That's just bullsh*t for "I want to f*ck you while I'm still with my girlfriend." Men do this sh*t all the time, and think we don't know what it is. They need to stop playing games before they come across a crazy woman who'll make them pay for playing with her emotions. It's just not necessary.

Some people can't help themselves, lying and being selfish is in their DNA. It's up to us to recognize them for who they are and stay away from them. Keep it movin!

phillygrl said...

guys, I asked my freind & the dude(his freind) abt this, & they said well they wanted the dude to tell me himself(I'm like no,,,no numbers should have been exchanged period) & when I asked my freind he was like oh he said you were a cutie too---Im like I don't give a @#$!@#$ what he wanted to tell me himself, you should have just said he's taken..& that would have been that..wanted to tell me himself my ass..like I said, I could tell RIGHT off the bat he was talking slick....moved to NC 2 years ag--own business etc & coming back to Philly on weekends my ass...you up to SOMETHING!

Brooke said...

That's bullshit.

"I wanted him to tell you himself?"

You asked a direct question that requires a yes or no answer - plain and simply. What difference does it make who answers? And if he's your friend, he should know that you were asking for a reason - to see if he was available. If he's not, then that's it. End of story.

That was the most idiotic thing I've heard today.

Jay said...

Idiotic indeed Brooke.

That barber is not your friend Phillygirl, because if he was, he would have had you steer clear of that dude. It doesn't matter if he thought you were cute, or what other game he was running. Your friend knows what the deal is, and what type of dude that guy is. The fact that he offered to exchange numbers speaks volumes about HIS character, not just the married dude. Married dude has an agenda - but what was your friend's agenda in hooking y'all up? I'd just let him cut the child's hair and that's that - no chit chat. He's not your friend.

I wouldn't want any guy taking advantage of any of my female friends - whether we're close or even just acquaintances. Not only do I NOT want to see them hurt, but I don't want that to associate them with anyone who would put me in a negative light. Not all dudes condone cheating, and your boy should have looked out for you.

TheOne said...

I agree with you 100% Brooke. Many sistah's should learn to do the same. Unfortunately they don't keep it moving and end up hurt, thinking that the individual will come around!

phillygrl said...

PREACH!..I hear you all...I really was like WTF?!?! We are not 21.. just chilling, keepin it crackalackin & all that jazz We are GROWN ASS MEN & WOMEN, what kind of BS is that!!!..I totally agree w/Jay...keep it cordial b/c some "shady-ness" was going on...

SuSu said...

Great blog Brooke!! I couldn't agree with you more. I'd like to add on one more item to your list:

We all have gut instincts. Trust them, believe in them, and follow them.

I know that's easier said than done, but I'm sure we can all think back to a time when our internal alarms rang loud and clear and we ignored them.. and then we paid the price. Let's not be guilty of wasting our own time by ignoring the signs and then falling victim to time wasters.

Ms. Penn said...

I agree wholeheartedly with you SuSu, we are mostly guilty of wasting our OWN time. We know something is off, yet we ignore that gut feeling. It's never steered me wrong, but I've ignored it on occasion - and I definitely paid the price for it.

Great add-on! And great blog Brooke.

Rameer "The Circumstance" said...

That barber was jive shiesty...

I echo Jigga's sentiments. Barber ain't your friend...I've NEVER done anything close to that to a female friend of mine. Hell, not even to women I'm just cool with! Most I'll do is say "I want nothing to do with this", which lets a lady know right there what the deal is.

The barber ain't *ish*...

Brooke said...

Rameer is here! glad you got to DC safely :)

Serena W. said...

Susu called it! I know I'm late but my goodness I can count the gut instincts I had and ignored them thinking I could change the cat or he would change for me.

I learned and now know that peeps have to change for themselves first and foremost and do right.

Shiesty peeps like the barber aren't cool like dat!

But yes I'm no time waster and don't like em. The guy who tried to waste mine pouts and is mad cause I won't give him the time of day.

Really? You're wick, wick, whack my brother and you get the gas face for acting foolish!

I'm really going to make t-shirts that say stop the madness! :)

Yolanda said...

I got halfway thru this and let out one of those co-signing "mmmm's" you say in church or something. Deep. Yet, so true. Time wasters are everywhere. And they're proficient at sucking you in...if you're not on your game.

Georgia Peach said...

Brooke - I really get this topic. It's something I totally get and it's my biggest pet peeve of all people who waste my time. I've struggled with the thought that maybe I was supposed to experience something vs. knowing they were a waste of my time, but now I really don't deal with people that I know are time wasters. These people are emotionally draining and in the end it doesn't help you in your search to find Mr. Right For You. I really appreciated this blog because it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

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