Tuesday, February 2, 2010
You can probably guess by the title of my post that it's TMI Tuesday. Don't be alarmed folks, it's just a title.
But that's not to say there's no truth to it ;-)
Now before you throw yourself all into a tizzy, I haven't lost my damn mind. I know that condoms are necessary all the time. One bareback ride could be a death sentence, and I'm very well aware of that. And as loud as my clock is ticking, I'm not trying to turn up preggers either.
That being said, you can't tell me that latex on your sensitive skin down there feels natural - man OR woman. I'm just keepin' it 100...y'all know I'm right. I know they make condoms that feel like "nothing" - or so they say - but I haven't used one yet that felt as good as hot, throbbing flesh against my...
....whew! gettin' hot in here?
Anyway, like I was saying - men are assumed to be the only ones who have a problem with the feel of a latex glove choking the life out of them from the shaft up. But let me clue some of you into something...women don't like the feel of it either. We probably hate it MORE than men do. Why? Because nothing is worse than a man who is too clueless to realize that you may not be as lubed as you should be, and continues to pound away at you until the hot rubber starts a small forest fire on your va jay jay. Then, when we get up to pee, it burns like the dickens cuz y'all asses made it red and raw down there and now our sh*t is all jacked up and knocked out of whack for a couple days til it heals.
Sorry, had to rant about that for a sec.
But that's not what I wanted to really talk about. What I really wanted to get your opinion on was when - and more importantly HOW - does the topic of unprotected sex come up? Now, this doesn't apply to jump-offs and fuck buddies, or even friends with benefits. With them, the condom stays put at ALL TIMES. Period.
But what about the guy/girl you've been seeing for 6-12 months? The sex is good, but you know it could feel SO MUCH BETTER skin to skin.
Men: Please don't tell me it happens like this:
(all hot and heavy, poking at her butterfly wings, too late to turn back now...)
Man: "Do you have condoms?"
sskkkkkrrrrrr (sound of brakes screeching)
....let me stop you right there - huh?
Men - asking a woman if she has condoms at that moment doesn't make you seem NON-presumptuous when it comes to sex - it makes you seem stupid. If you're over 25, then you're grown enough to know to carry at least ONE condom on you at all times. What we REALLY think when a man doesn't have a condom is that he's prepared to hit it raw...not that he didn't assume you were having sex. Grow up.
Woman: "No, I don't"
Again with the foolishness.
A woman should have a standard issued condom somewhere in her possession. Maybe not always in her purse, but definitely in her house/apartment. And chances are, she probably does and just SAYS she doesn't.
Why? Two reasons:
1) Because she doesn't wanna appear to be a ho - because sadly enough, there are still men who exist who think that simply because a woman has condoms in her possession, she's some sort of strumpet.
2) She only has Magnum XL's left over from the LAST dude she was sleeping with and she's already seen/felt your man meat and knows the condom is too big for you - so she won't embarrass you by offering you one that she knows won't fit you. Sometimes y'all play yourselves thinking you can fill a Magnum, and that we don't know with one glance what you're working with. Trust me, we KNOW...and we don't need any slip-ups...or "off's."
Ladies: Hopefully the decision not to use condoms doesn't go like this either:
"It's okay, I'm on the pill."
Again I say...huh?
Da hell are you talking about "I'm on the pill?" ...And?
Last time I checked, the pill didn't protect against the Clap. And if a dude falls for that line or sees it as an invitation to hit it raw, then he's just as much an idiot as she is. It's not about a baby...it's about herpes! With the pill, the patch, the IUD and Plan B, women have that baby thing on lock - and women who don't want to get pregnant...DON'T. But there ARE trifling ass women out there who know your dumb asses will fall for that crap - so be smart. Most women with a bit of sense don't want your snotty nosed, rusty behind babies anyway. They just wanna feel some hot, non-latex friction! Make sure you know which one you're dealing with.
This blog is getting long, so let me try to get to my point.
Yes, using condoms is a necessary evil in most cases - whether it's sexual encounter #1 or #100. But when two people decide to become exclusive, it's only natural that the glove will come off at some point. This is when a real conversation is necessary. For some reason, I think people are afraid to have that "talk" - so instead, they invent ways to accidentally go raw without discussing the implications or consequences of that decision. Saying, "I'm on the pill" isn't answering the question, "How would you feel if we got pregnant right now?" Or asking, "Don't you trust me?" doesn't answer the question, "Are you having sex with anyone else besides me?" People either don't want to ask the REAL questions when it comes to sex and relationships, or they say what they THINK the other person wants to hear.
One of the perks of a flourishing, monogamous relationship isn't simply having sex without condoms - but also having honest conversations about sex and intimacy. A moment of lust shouldn't be a factor in your decision making when it comes to having unprotected sex. Trust and a mutual understanding of the consequences of that act and what it means to both of you SHOULD be. Don't avoid the conversation because you think NOT using a condom is a deal breaker, or because you think USING condoms means he or she doesn't trust you. Whether you decide to use them up until marriage, or even well INTO marriage, make sure it's a decision you both made TOGETHER for the right reasons....not because you didn't wanna make a run to CVS in the middle of the night. It's better to have "the talk" than end up burned or knocked up.
Cuz that's just not fun for anybody.