Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Happy Tuesday!

So I asked Stef if we could discuss her Valentine's Day drama as a blog topic. In case some of you missed it in the comments, Stef saw some unnerving information on her new "friend's" Facebook page that suggested that maybe she wasn't the only sweetie in his life - and she quickly went off! We won't go into the details, but dude was pretty much busted by some PYT that posted something suggestive on his page...that he apparently hadn't seen and removed until it was too late. Yikes!

The whole thing sounds silly at first, since Facebook is...well...Facebook. But maybe there's something there to discuss. Can Facebook mess up a (budding) relationship? Is Facebook...as Yolanda would say..."the debbil?"

Facebook is a fun and convenient way to keep up with friends and family. Half the stuff I know about my family I learn through Facebook...which is kinda sad. But hey, it's better than not keeping in touch at all, right?

I log on periodically throughout the day and use it to promote my blog. I "watch" tv shows and sporting events with my FB friends "together." It's just another way to connect.

And I do know a couple of people who have even had some romantic hook-ups, meetings with friends of friends they may have met on FB. Friends suggest friends to other friends, and we all become one big, happy family.

At first anyway.

But what about that cutie you met at the gym? Instead of exchanging numbers like we used to do back in the day, the new question now becomes, "Are you on Facebook?" Give someone a last name or an email address, and BAM! - there they are. A friend request goes out, you start to chat, talk on the phone, look into each other's lives...and all of a sudden, you have a new boo.

Until...

One day, you log on to see that some "chick" (whose profile pic is of her in a wet t-shirt) posts something like, "Hey babe, missed you last night" on his wall - and now you're all in a tizzy. Sure, the message was somewhat innocent...I guess...but who is she? You click on her page, and either look at every pic she has and read all of her info...OR...you sit there fuming because this b*tch made her page private.

So, you try to act all cool about it, and casually ask your man who the lovely young lady with the "classy" photo is - and he tells you she's just a friend and that she's harmless. You don't believe that sh*t, but you can't say anything because all you have to go on is a wall post.

What to do??!!

Here's what you do. Delete him. Not necessarily out of your life, but at least off of Facebook. The longer you keep him as a friend, the more you'll obsess over his page and anything on it that could be seen as "suspect." For some, if you're already insecure, Facebook will just fan the flames of your jealousy. You don't need another reason to feel distrustful of your man (or woman), especially if you're suspicious by nature anyway. If you think something is going on, just trust your gut and follow THAT instinct, instead of allowing your mind to play tricks on you because some random girl "likes" your man's status.

If you DO decide to "friend" your man, make sure you have a discussion about what is expected and boundaries. Not every man or woman cares, or even reads, that your boo is "in a relationship" in the status part of their page. If someone disrespects you or your mate by posting something suggestive or that can be seen as inappropriate on your wall, then either "de-friend" the troublemaker, or change your privacy settings. Do what you have to do to make sure your relationship is safe.

And if you MUST use Facebook to see what your significant other is up to, make sure you have PROOF that something is up before you go screaming, "You asshole, I saw that new girl you friended, I know something is going on cuz she wrote that she loves you on your wall!"

Boo: "Uh...she's my sister..."

You: "Oh...well, uh...she seems nice."

Avoid the cyber drama...just sayin.

-b

25 comments:

Stephanie said...

FIRST BITCHES YEAH

Stef said...

Dammit!

Anyway, yes, Facebook IS the relationship devil! I don't know why dudes allow people to post on their wall if they know they're doing dirt. They should make all their walls posts private if they're gonna cheat.

Men are just dumb. Women don't get caught out there nearly as much as men do...not like THAT!

Yolanda said...

This was just the topic on that Let's Talk About Pep show last night! Facebook is the debbil...

I've done that whole FB stalking thing and have read way too much into things I've seen posted on walls. But I readily accept that jealousy is my issue and I've worked really hard to tame that demon. And that jealousy screamed "insecurity" on my part. So, I resolved to either go to the person's page less OR just chalk it up to a simple wall post that I know nothing about. In the end, I'm spending X amount of time with him and I know things other people don't, so the relationship/bond has been established and I just let that hate go.

I find nothing makes a man fume more these days that a woman FB stalking him and then grilling him about what she read. Digital communication (emails, texts, wall posts and tweets) can ALWAYS be misread. You never know the intent or the context. Hell, for all ya'll know, I could be totally screwfaced and yelling at ya'll while I type this. You just never know what someone really means when they type something.

Now, if the wall post is "hey, that was some great head last night," then uh yeah. DEFRIEND!

Craig n 'em said...

GREAT HEAD, WHAT? WHO?

Rameer The Circumstance said...

I'm gonna disagree with Brooke-Ra's stance of not friending him. As Stef, men ARE just dumb. Thus, since men tend to not be nearly as tidy in their lies and deceit, you can learn A LOT by watching his Facebook activity and interactions.

Now, the problem is when you're insecure and too jealous. But if you're thinking rationally and logically, you can put a note to yourself if you see interaction with a certain person, and see if that type of banter continues in the future. And, realistically, I always say the more a person has to hide, the more you should wonder.

I don't "falk" (Facebook stalk), but I've found out lots of dirt by men and women on FB. None in regards to me, but you'd be surprised. And I can think of AT LEAST 10 people who found out info they would have never found out if it weren't for FB. People are slick, and very smooth. But they can't always control what other people post, which can give tell-tale details.

My girl rarely posts on FB. But I KNOW she checks out my interaction, which I have no problem with. She KNOWS I'm a big flirt, so she doesn't worry. And I have no issue telling her who someone is and what they may have been referring to in questionable cases.

I like FB as a tool to find out dirt beneath the surface. While it's hard to find out any dirt on a person like me - I don't have any for the most part, and I tend to be open about stuff with people I care for - I've seen husbands and wives get COLD-BUSTED. And, I don't friend people who are drama or cause it in that manner.

FB ain't "da debbil". Certain people who use it ARE. This might go counter to previous comments I've stated in the past about going into people's phones and such...but I say check out your man or woman's FB. At the very least, you just see who they associate with. At worst, you find them to be a slick-talking DOG who pulled the wool over your eyes.

I might get criticized for what I just typed. But so be it...

Stephanie said...

OMG, I see this ALL THE TIME. I know 2 couples who have broken up because of Face book. FB is the devil. I'm new to FB myself. I was sharing a page with my boo to avoid exactly this scenario. But after much debate had to get my own.Thank GOD for the new security features. You can block out a lot of things that you could not before.what is up with all the stalkers on FB? My cousin who lost his lady over things she found on FB has a stalker now. he just changed his relationship status to get her off his back. What's worse is if your FB is hacked people can put whatever they want on there and people automatically believe it because it's on your wall.Take what you read on FB at face value. Sometimes people post outrageous shit on FB just to get other people into some shit. They also put outrageous stuff on there to test the waters and see who will fall for the bait.If you see something on FB that bothers you just ask your boo or significant other what the deal is rather than assume the worst. Like my Mom always said " never assume because you make an ass out of U N me".

Annamaria said...

It was also the topic on Power 105 this morning...lol

YES FACEBOOK is the devil. Not only for people such as Stef who are getting to know each other BUT it can also be the devil for people already in long term relationships.
Granted if a man or woman is going to do dirt they are gonna find a way to do it BUT sites like Facebook & myspace, etc make it a whole lot easier. What someone may consider harmless may be a big deal to his or her significant other. A quick flirtatious note to a friend, a flirtations joke, etc, etc... Trying to get in touch with a friend of a friend all of these things can be taken the wrong way & can begin problems and cast doubts on a relationship.
And Stef better off that you found out sooner rather than later.

Anonymous said...

OMG ...good post Brooke!

I think FB is very interesting. I have learned alot about perceptions. I have "friends" who have memories of relationships and things that I have no recollection of ever happening. It has opened my eyes to what bad can come from being on there.

I personally had long conversations with a "friend" when my SO was not around or otherwise occupied. This was PERCEIVED by the "friend" as some type of flirting. Just because my SO is not in the room does not mean that I am flirting and it does take anything away from our relationship. Its the vast electronic divide that leaves conclusions to be drawn from limited information. There are also alot of lonely jealous people on there who I think like to wreck homes so I just keep it light and try to be as respectful on FB as I would be in person. Its just my rule.

Brooke said...

I'm not saying you can't be friends with your boo on FB, not at all. I'm saying "de-friend" them if you're insecure and read too much into everything. I know plently of couples who are "friends" on FB and they co-exist just fine. I'm not talking about them.

I'm talking about those who stalk the other's FB page constantly looking for something that may not be there. If you're obsessing, it's time to de-friend that person for your OWN sake and peace of mind. Like you said Rameer, if you're logical and SANE, then this isn't an issue. But if you're insecure and untrusting by nature, then FB will only fuel that and become a breeding ground for more insecurity and jealousy.

Annamaria said...

Good point anonymous. The people in the relationships don't necessarily have to do/say anything wrong..Some people are just weird & may something out of nothing...

Like if you tell the person from elementary school they look great...Doesn't necessarily mean that you wanna get married & have a million babies. You can just be congratulating them for losing 150lbs, getting braces & contacts and that nose job! lol

Rameer The Circumstance said...

In that context, I AGREE, Brooke-Ra. But wouldn't the same people falking be the ones reading your texts and answering your calls?

I think the problem is THEM, not the means of communication like FB. Defriending your love interest isn't going to help the problem...cuz they'll just find something else to give into their fears about, don't you think?

Brooke said...

I totally agree - FB is the devil for people with demon souls :)

Here's a question - do you think FB or technology in general can MAKE someone insecure? Do you think that FB and texts, etc. helped to foster insecurity where none existed before - or are people just born that way?

The Fury said...

People also have to bear in mind that there are people that purposefully say leading things so nosy people think they saw something. Trust me I've seen people do it. It's hilarious.

Is it the debbill? Nah, I'm with Rameer, it's the people on it. And really it takes a lot of confidence and security (no shots @ Stef cuz she actually found something) to see ALL of the people someone knows talking to them freely.

You have to remember that if you find them sexy or attractive or funny someone else does to.

BTW, I'm on facebook too and if you friend me I promise I won't leave sexy shit on your wall....unless you want me to make a boyfriend jealous ;-)

Rameer The Circumstance said...

Fury - you're 100% correct. Cuz I'M one of those people who has posted things to see how nosy people react! But that's my natural personality off-line as well. When people perceive me incorrectly and don't listen to me (or someone else) say "that's not true", after the first denial, I simply go with whatever their little minds and hearts believe. It serves to entertain me.

Brooke-Ra's seen me do this in the past...just not involving a relationship or person I was dating...

To answer your question, Brooke-Ra - I don't think FB or technology makes one more insecure. I think an insecure person will use ANY means to give in to their insecurity. Most times, they don't realize they are naturally self-destructive. So I don't think it makes them MORE jealous/envious/insecure/paranoid - it just makes it EASIER for them to be that way.

But look at Stef. She found out some useful info that saved her from getting played. That's why I say for us logical, sane people...by all means, check out people's FB. It might just give you a clue into some shady dealings. It's not that you would be LOOKING for it, but if it manifests...so be it.

Like she said - men tend to be dumb. And I admittedly see more dudes getting caught out there on FB than anything.

Geeque4u said...

FACEBOOK is the devil. Once I joined, the first thing I said to myself is that this is a very DANGEROUS tool.
I know people who have broken up because of FB.
There are people who think they can post anything on your wall..

Yolanda said...

The problem with FB stalking is you have to be a sleuth with it. Don't just run back to the other person with "who is so and so and what did she mean by ___?" Nah, you've got to investigate and build on what you find out. Don't say a thing. Just keep an eye out for that chick who's always commenting or leaving behind questionable messages. Then, BAM, you pounce when you need to, IF you need to... IF you've been given reason to be suspicious. Otherwise, it's just a social site. Relax!

Annamaria said...

My motto is & always will be. Tase the bitch first ask questions later. And tasing your Significant other once in a while won't hurt when it comes to keeping them in line.

Jay said...

Interesting blog.

I have a FB page, but I never look at it. And every setting I have is private. It's almost not worth me having, because no one can see my wall posts, what I post to others, etc. It's just not worth all the nonsense.

I've had people start trouble on Myspace when that was the social site to be on, and so I quicly learned my lesson. It's just not worth the drama to me. And while I'm not an insecure person, I don't need to be friends with my girl and see what other dudes are writing on her page, or who she's friends with. Whatever is done in the dark will come to the light - so I'm not trying to catch anyone out there. It is what it is.

However, I do think that human nature dictates that we're curious by nature, so when we see something, especially as it pertains to people we care about, it can bring out the worst in us to a degree. I do think that otherwise secure, sane people can feel a pang of jealousy if we see or read something suspect. Because we've become so voyeuristic (sp?) with social sites, it's easy to wonder about something you wouldn't normally worry about. Before, we were in ignorant bliss thinking everything was cool, and a fool literally had to get caught red-handed doing some dirt. Now, not only does technology make it easier to cheat, it makes it easier to grow insecurities because the opportunities are greater. Just my take.

Rameer The Circumstance said...

LMAO @ Annamaria!!!

Brooke said...

Powerz hasn't commented in a while, so Annamaria might have tased his ass too much and now he's incapacitated!

Jaz said...

Girl, this post is a trip!

And it can be the devil it people MAKE it the devil. But like you said, you'd have to be a crazy, insecure person in the first place in order to make FB the devil.

I've looked at people's pages WAY longer than I needed to, and wondered what the hell was going on. But when I'm really honest with myself, the reason I was doing it was because I didn't trust his ass in the first place. Although FB confirmed my suspicions, I would be better off learning to trust my instincts like you said Brooke, rather than make myself crazing stalking his page all day. It's not worth it.

Now, when I meet a new guy, we can only be FB friends if I'm NOT interested in him romantically. All the guys I'm friends with on FB are strictly platonic, so that there's no drama. I don't care what they're doing with any other women, and I prefer it that way. The guy I'm kinda messing around with now wants to friend me, and I said no...because I want us to get to a better place before we do all that, and I don't want anything to cloud that. And not for nothing, I want to get better at trusting and listening to myself more and relying less "catching someone" or looking for something that may not be there.

Annamaria said...

ACTUALLY I have refrained from tasing Powerz for the past 2 weeks. I couldn't tase him last week cuz I needed him to be alert & awake for Sophia's Christening this past Sunday.
AND I'm not tasing him this week because he is home studying for a VERY IMPORTANT TEST that he has to take sooo I actually want him to do good so I am leaving him alone.
Normal tasing schedule will resume next week!!! LMAO

Brooke said...

and I think she really means that too :-)

Annamaria said...

You know I do!!!! : ) Don't worry I will let you know if & when he messes up & gets tased into a vegetative(sp?) state.

Stef said...

I wish I had a damn taser that day!

Dumb ass mens! LOL!

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