Monday, May 4, 2009

Happy dreary Monday everyone!

I could go right back to sleep y'all. I'm tired as hell. I was contemplating just asking a trivia question or try to find a guest blogger for today because I'm too tired to think. But as I was going through the motions trying to do some work and IMing in between, somehow a friend and I got on the topic of sex. He told me how he faked it one time cuz the girl was wack...and that woke me right up! I cracked up to myself because I tried to imagine him faking it..."UGGGHHHHHHHH" is what he said he did...and tears streamed down my face I laughed so hard :-)

But then I thought - how did she not know? I mean, I HOPE no guy has ever faked it with me...but could it really have happened and I was oblivious to it? How can a woman NOT know? Do any of you ever watch the CW's The Game? When my friend told me he faked it, I immediately thought of that show and Derwin faking a "that's what's up" :) Forward to 1:10.



So wow, men really fake it huh? I guess they can get tired of all that bumpin and grindin too, especially if they're doing all the work. Maybe he had a long day at work. Maybe he's sick. Maybe he's in a funky mood. It occurred to me that a man would fake an orgasm for all the same reasons a woman would - he either just wants to get it over with - or the sex is wack!

Now, while the idea of sex may never get old, the idea of actually doing it for hours on end might. So, men being men may have no problem having sex, or initiating sex - he just may not be as into it as she is. He might want to go through the motions and just not cum. Who knew???!!!

And, in the case of my friend, if the sex is wack, he may want to get it over with but not hurt her feelings. I know plenty of women who have told me that is the main reason they fake orgasms. Not because they were tired. Not because they had a headache. But because dude was wack! Same logic applies right?

Performance anxiety is something we typically associate with men. After all, it's hard for a woman to be "bad" in bed right? All she has to do is lay there...right?

WRONG!

Apparently a "dead fish" will make a man fake it in a heartbeat. But what else makes a woman bad in bed? Men - tell us, so we know what NOT to do. Women can give you a whole list of reasons why a man would be bad in bed - 2 minute brotha, too small, too big, too fast, not fast enough, breath stinks, you name it. But I'm curious to find out from a man what would make us so bad that you'd fake an orgasm.

My boy told me that he faked it complete with sound effects and everything. "OHH, OOH, UGGGH!!!" And the Oscar goes to...!

Every time I think of that I laugh - but if a dude is faking it with you, it's really not that funny now is it? Again I ask - how could a woman not know? I guess a man's best supporting actor would be the condom, cuz a man can just pretend he came in the Magnum, jump up and quickly dispose of it without us ever knowing. But don't you feel muscles contracting or something? Can a man fake that too? Or is it that we're so self-centered or happy that we think we pleased him that we're too busy to notice? Please brothas, break it down for me!

I don't even want to wonder if anyone has ever faked it with me. I hope not. But it seems maybe we women put too much pressure on the man to either not cum too soon, or not last too long. After all, marathon sex can be painful, tiresome or just plain time consuming. The condom dries up, friction makes you raw, your leg is cramping up, Lost is about to start, and hell, I gotta be at work in a few hours. And I'm saying these are his thoughts, not yours! LOL! Hey, apparently these things happen!

Women, admit it - the orgasm matters to us. If he doesn't cum, we'd wonder why he didn't and what we did, or DIDN'T do, that we didn't please him. If he knows this about us, that just may prompt him to fake it so we don't harass him about why he didn't cum. He may just want to stop cuz the game is starting and resume gettin busy later...who knows. Don't make yourself crazy or blame yourself - just as long as you don't suspect he's faking it over and over again, it's all good. And hey, if he's being nice enough to wait til you get yours - even better :-)

But women take note - if his normal cross-eyed, screw face that he makes every time he cums doesn't look quite right, like how he always does when you make his toes curl, then something may be off...especially if he says, "it's not always alot" or "this was a little one." He might just be fakin the spunk, I mean "funk" LOL :-)

-b

34 comments:

Latinegro said...

first....

Brooke said...

what? no "bitches!"? LOL!

Latinegro said...

Well i didnt want to hurt anyone's feelings byt saying...

uuuuuhhhhhhh...first bitches!

very interesting subject. I think women can take there mojo for granted and think that sex will always be mindblowing for us.

Brooke said...

So...what makes sex mindblowing and what makes it wack?

Anonymous said...

I have faked it. It was because it was getting wack and I wasn't able to... um... finish.
Sometimes when it's wack it's wack not matter what she does, and you don't want to offend or hurt her feelings. It's as easy as women do. I was like um um um um yeah um yeah yeah yeah um um ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh as I was going in stronger and faster. Then when I was at the "point" I did the shakes and the little pauses in between the shakes. Man I could have won an Academy Award that night.

annamaria said...

Yeah it just doesn't count if you don't add the bitches!!! LMAO!! I would like to think no man has ever had to fake it with me & I'd like to think I would notice if he did. I would notice not feeling the "throbbing feeling". Plus I pride myself on not just laying there with the exception of the few times I've faked it...LOL

Latinegro said...

Well I cannot speak for anyone else. I can only speak for me. I personally dont like a woman just sitting there.

I consider foreplay to be a big factor. Lets not pretend that men are the only ones trying to cum either.

Mind blowing sex is two people trying to get eachother off and are, of course, successful. Now, sometimes things happen and one of the 2 dont cum, but that doesnt mean it was wack either.

Wack sex, to me, is if there is no forepley...no real inimate contact. Just put it in and do it. Dogs to that.

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Brooke... I swore I was not going to respond to your blog today, cuz I am mad busy making the doughtnuts. However...since you women have given me such a great education in your blogs, I feel I am obliged.

First off... I have never faked it!
Second off... I just stop cuz I realize this shyt ain't in the cards for me today
Third off... I can't stand the dead fish... that shyt pisses me of! I can be much more romantical with my hand!
Fourth Off... Capone always does this skit about throwing your man off sometimes. Do some different shyt. Jump on top of his a$$ punch him in the chest and tell him to shut his punk a$$ up...you can even call him a bitch ass Nigga! Even the great shyt you do today, can become routine later!

Brooke said...

You guys are making me laugh today :) Annamaria, I can see you tasing a fool if the sex is wack :)

Ant, yes, dogs do that :) But some men DO do that too...and women :) Guess it depends on what mood you're in :)

Pretty Ricky, I wonder if Capone will do that joke in DR?! LOL!! And something tells me that a woman jumping on her man and punching him in the chest will NOT become routine! LOL!!

Anonymous said...

Faked it several times. All of my friends have for one reason or another. How about stoppin' during because you are sobering up and you realize...she is disgusting?

Brooke said...

LMAO!! "sobering up?" Just wrong!!!

I'm still laughing at "romantical" hahahaha!

Rameer said...

I've never faked it. But as I mentioned in a previous blog, I have great control over when or even if I cum. As a result...many times when I get down with a woman, I DON'T bust a nut. Not to get TOO deep...but it's just not that important to me as the actually great feeling of good sex. And since I know I can control exactly when I do it, it's not a big deal for me to try to get off as much.

What makes the sex good or not? No one man can answer that, cuz we all have different things we like. I think we can all agree the "deadfish" thing is wack, though. But we all have different things that make sex better or worse for us. Example - I like a girl who makes a good f*ck face (shout-out to the homie Too Short - lol!). But one of my media cohorts I know can't STAND a woman making any face other than her eyes closed and mouth open moaning. He thinks any other face is disgusting, and it turns him off. Such is life.

If a woman is wack...this may sound harsh...I'll just cut it short and be like "this ain't workin' for me". If she asks why, I'll tell her it's been a pretty wack experience and I'd rather not waste any more time. That's just how I am...

There's a girl I know right now who hates me cuz she admitted to having a great time and I told her I didn't. I think she hates me cuz she feels like she went on and on about it, and I was like "I'd rather not do it again". She told me she despises me because of that, but I've never ratted her out, and I people always ask her why she dislikes me...and she never tells them why...ah, well.

My two cents...

the pirate said...

I don't know why I come through anonymous sometimes...Not only did I sober up, I kicked her out!!

AH said...

I thought I was the only one laughing at "romantical". Carry on.....

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Brooke..it's funny... he actually uses that joke quite often... but he changes it up! Once he said... dress up in a ninja suit and when you man come home jump on him.. F*** em real hard for about 15 seconds and then vanish somewhere into the house!!! LOL

And Ant, yes you have to say bitches if you are first...it's almost a rites of passage.

Brooke said...

LOL!! Damn Pirate, you're cold!

Rameer...good "f*ck face" huh? Good to know :)

I have a guy friend who fakes it because he's afraid of getting a girl pregnant...he's told me that. He "finishes" on his own later. How crazy is that? Must have had a pregnancy scare or something. He also said he doesn't like receiving oral sex cuz he had a fear of getting bit and doesn't like the idea of a woman "swallowing his kids." Can you say "mental block"? Definitely psychological!

I think "romantical" is my new favorite word :)

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

I can not take credit for Romantical. I think I got that from the Little Rascals.

Latinegro said...

Fear of getting bit???? That is crazy. That sounds like he has control issues. When a women gives a man a BJ, there is a certain amount of control that man gives up.

Then him finishing on his own so his girl wont have a kid. He sounds like he is a control freak. Because I dont know any man that would not mind a woman swallowing...

Brooke said...

Hey, I can't take credit for "cool beans" "fuckery" "kick rocks" or saying a dude is "black history" either, but I say those things all the time, therefore they're MINE!

"romantical"...OWN IT Ricky!

Rameer said...

He DOESN'T like the idea of a woman swallowing his kids???

SHEE-IT...ain't nothin' wrong with some throat babies now and then...

TMI???

Lolz!!!

Brooke said...

Men give up control when receiving a bj? I never really thought of it that way...interesting.

"throat babies"? TMI Tuesday is tomorrow Rameer :) LOL!

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

I am said man!!! I know it's crazy, but I just got into receiving oral... even though I love to give. I'll do it until I burp! (Can't lie..stole that from Capone too! LMAO) But anyway... although I can appreciate a women being that into me that she would... but it just don't look like it would taste good. It's probably the consistency!! I should probably save this for TMI Tuesday!

Brooke said...

uh...yeah Ricky..."burp"? Something about that sentence made me gag a lil bit :)

on that note, running to go get food :) LOL!

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

LOL... I ate so much coochie one time... I got the itus. I swear coochie got trytophen in it. OOOPS... wait..it's not TMI Tuesday

Brooke said...

LMAO!!! I'm over here crackin up! Thanks for waking me up today ladies and gents, that is too funny! You and Rameer have today confused with TMI Tuesday :)

The Fury said...

I've faked it in the past. Young lady was just too adamant that I bust right then and there at that moment in time WITH her.

Do you know what kind of damn timing it takes to bust WITH someone? Especially if it's her first cum. Shiiiit, I'm all night to the sun comes up and you want me to bust at 1 minute 15 seconds WITH you? Thought you chicks didn't like one minute brothers...

OK...yes I'm cumming with you...oooh yeah ughhhh that was good.

You ready yet?

You ready now?

Don't touch you?

Ok...

(fingers tapping her outstretched back impatiently)

sorry..more shivers..ok not touching you...you ready to take some more?

Yeah, I switched condoms when you were doing the shake and shiver. Ready? On your mark, get set...

"Dead fish" is the worst. If you're thinking about paying bills before we start and I haven't stopped that thought..shame on me.

Brooke said...

I don't understand the whole dead fish thing. They really exist? I mean...really? When I think of dead fish, I think of Celie in The Color Purple when she says, "Mr. just climb on top a' me, do his bidness"....is that what it's like? I have NEVER just laid there and done nothing...I mean, who does that???

The Fury said...

I've had one and a half dead fish. Not a pretty thing...

Actually One thought she was too pretty and I should be honored she was there so she was ehhh. The other got in the groove, after too much coaxing.

Generally lazy lovers that just like to lay and be served like they're at Applebee's or something. Yes, I picked Applebees on purpose

Brooke said...

LOL!! Is that what people at Applebees do? Just wait to be served? :)

So what makes sex good for you Fury? This oughtta be good... :-)

Anyone feel free to answer that question :)

The Fury said...

Yeah..they wait..then again maybe I should've picked IHOP cuz that wait is nuts, but usually it's before you sit down.

What makes sex good for me? One word "enthusiasm". It can all be chalked up to that one word. If you're enthusiastic it goes a long long way.

Not saying I want a cheerleader in bed...well actually...

I digress.

Enthusiasm.

How enthused are you Brookey?

Brooke said...

I'm very enthusiastic :) I figure if I'm not enthused, then why do it? LOL!! I'm not one to have sex out of boredom, obligation or any other reason other than I really want to, so enthusiastic is an understatement :)

cheerleader huh?

"2-4-6-8, who do we AP-PRE-CI-ATE!?" LOL!!

The Fury said...

I've read on here that you were an athlete in school. Would you mind putting on one of those little skirts and grabbing some poms poms? You can keep the F girls out..LOL

Not even about boredom, but enthusiasm as in LOVING to do shit. Like Will Smith said in Bad Boys "she massages shit!

A woman that LOVES to do it...and enjoys it...well worth every second

Brooke said...

Athlete yes, cheerleader, no...but I can make an exception for a worthy partner.

And they're not F's! LOL!!

And yes, whatever I do in the bedroom, I LOVE doing it. Not like it, not think it's okay, but LOVE it. I'd say ask somebody, but not tryna have y'all all in my bidness :-) Just take my word for it :-)

Georgia Peach said...

Good topic today Brooke. I haven't ever faked it either believe it or not. They know if I'm disappointed at the end...but this is about the men faking it so I digress in talking about myself. Anyhoo - I'm not surprised to hear men fake it. I wouldn't want to be a dead fish nor be with a dead fish so I imagine that would be quite disappointing on both accounts.

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