Tuesday, November 11, 2008

When do you Know?

Happy Veteran's Day!

If you know a veteran, thank him or her for their service to our country! Whether you believe in war or not - this war or any war - these brave men and women serve our country for our freedom. We don't do enough to thank them or provide for them. Many of them are suffering from poverty, illness and homelessness. So if you do nothing else today, thank the veteran in your life. We owe them a debt of gratitude.

Now, onto something else.

This morning I was listening to the radio and the topic of the morning was relationships. The female sidekick Liz Hernandez was explaining how she was basically dumped by a man who said he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. When they first met, they had spent nearly every day of their first 3 months together. If she wasn't at his place, he was at hers. They went on dates, talked on the phone for hours at a time and had been intimate regularly.

Since everything had been going well, after 3 months she decided to ask him if he considered them to be in a "relationship" - if they were exclusive.

His response?

"We're not in a relationship. We're friends."

Whoa...

She sounded deflated as she said it. What just happened? She was baffled.

But here's the kicker!

She said she asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship with her and he said no, even though he was going through all the motions of being in a relationship. She then said she told him she had to stop seeing him and that she was leaving - and that if she left, she was never coming back. He watched her walk to the door. She turned one last time and asked, "you're not going to stop me?" He said nothing. She left.

WHOA!

I think my pride is so great that I wouldn't have kept trying to backpedal. If he was willing to let me go, then I would have just left. No words needed. But what I think hurt her the most is that she didn't see it coming. Everything was great in their world...until it was time for a real commitment. She was blindsided.

My question to all of you is, when do you know?

Is 3 months long enough to determine if someone is relationship-worthy? When do you ask where the relationship is headed? When do you ask if you're even IN a relationship? Should you even HAVE to ask after 3 months? Tell me what you think.

I wish I had more time to listen this morning, to see if she revealed any more of the details of their relationship. Were there signs? Did he tell her in the very beginning that he didn't want a relationship? I needed more information.

Either way, you can't make someone be in a relationship when they don't want to be. Only you can determine what you're willing to give, at what time and for how long. In the failure of a relationship we resolve never to make the same mistakes again. We get toughened a little, maybe wiser. I could hear she was becoming jaded in her voice. But we can't get TOO jaded by love's suffering and dead ends. We just have to appreciate that there's a lesson in there somewhere.

We make strong efforts to avoid past mistakes. We never want to appear naive and we try to be clever and smart about love. But the real advance we make after we've been devastated by love is to simply be able to enter into it again freely one more time in spite of our suspicions, past hurts or mistakes. Take the lesson and heal yourself. No partner can save you, deliver you or give meaning to your life. The source of love is within us. It is the love we give to ourselves as much as it is the love we get. The passion we most need to feed is our relationship with God, and that ultimately is our relationship with ourselves.

-b

41 comments:

Annamaria said...

I think this is a GREAT topic. I don't think there is any appropriate time frame. You have to judge by the way the relationship is going. I do applaud her for nipping it in the bud from as early as 3 months & putting herself & her needs first. Lord knows most of us wait longer than that. In the end you just have to be true to yourself first & foremost. The rest will follow

Brooke said...

I agree. I was surprised at how candid she was. Most women don't want to put themselves and their insecurities out there. We've all been there, so I could identify with her. You could tell she was frustrated because whether he said he was ready to be in a relationship or not, HE WAS IN ONE. I feel that if you know you're not ready for the commitment, don't waste the other person's time. I realize she was an active participant, but I think any person with some sense can determine if their actions speak differently from their words.

I got the sense that he was being selfish and was willing to keep going as long as she was willing to let him. He benefitted from being in a relationship without having the responsibility of one.

It's unfortunate, but like you said, I applaud her for taking the necessary steps to respect herself first. A lot of times we think he'll just "come around" or he'll miss us and then he'll come back. I'm glad she's going in the direction towards healing herself and putting her personal integrity ahead of her feelings for him.

Kat said...

I agree with annamaria. I am at a point in my life that I must know from the very early stages if we are on the same page. One of our first conversations should be able to tell me where his head is at. If you are looking for something that I am not nor I can ever give you, then WE need to keep it moving. Yes, you can just go with the flow forever fearing that if you bring it up you will scare him away. The reality is that maybe that is not such a bad idea. Meaning, if you put it out there that you want a relationship and that is not what he wants from you and you walk, that saves the pain and heartache. Good read!

"Women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife." - Unknown

Brooke said...

Kat, you are so on point with that response. If a man is really feeling you and his intentions are sincere, then he'll have no problem letting you know where he stands from the very beginning. There's nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship, so long as everyone is open and honest upfront. I think we ARE afraid of scaring the man away too soon. But hey, if he's running, then he wasn't meant for us anyway. Keep it movin! Love your response!

Keefe said...

Kat,

I like the quote.

momo925 said...

First and foremost SHOUT OUT to Brooke!! I'm finally commenting! lol

ok so I heard this on the radio as well this morning and after he let her walk out of the door, she let him come back into her life, thinking that at this point he was ready to comit. Unfortunately He ran for the hills once again! Its sad to say that I've been there. Its almost like men will put themselves in "relationship" situations but then the minute you mention a relationship they act like you have the plague. I think that men just like having women at their beck and call but at the same time like to keep their option of being single. Laying up under someone EVERYday for 3 months is practically like having a relationship. The only difference is he doesnt have to feel accountable for going elsewhere if he chooses b/c no title has been applied so technically your not his girlfriend. However, he has the security of knowing that because you are up under him, you probably want what the two of you have to be a relationship and that 9 times out of 10 you are not looking elsewhere for it. I also think the problem that women have is that we are somewhat ok with letting the man dictate what a situation will or will not be. If you know in your heart that you want something more from the man you are dealing with then he needs to know too. If you can't agree on the direction then cut your losses and move on. I'm sure its easier said than done. lol

Brooke said...

Thanks for finally commenting! Who is that anyway? Monica, is that you? LOL!!

But yes, we need to stop sitting back and being passive when it comes to relationships and stop letting others dictate what our relationships will be. It's hard when you're in the beginning stages and you're going with the flow...because technically we're still trying to figure it out too.

But if someone is spending all of their time with you, allowing YOU to spend all of YOUR TIME with them, then I think that's where you can ask the question. I don't think there was anything wrong with asking in her situation. If someone is constantly laying up under me, I think I'd have the righ to know. But hey, if she took him back once and then he did it again, then at least now she knows for sure. We always want to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, but one thing is always true - when someone shows you who they are, believe them!

momo925 said...

yep its me! lol

Brooke said...

Yay! Welcome Monica everyone!

Monica and I eat lunch together almost everyday and she can attest to the myriad relationship discussions we've had. Straight comedy! :-) She tells me she reads my blogs everyday and we discuss the topic at lunch, so thank you Mon for commenting this time, I appreciate it! We all do!

Dre Lew said...

Hi Brooke ~ (Always so Interesting!)

When do you know??? Sometimes it’s more you don’t want to know. There is a lot that we don’t know on what had happen with this couple, but in 3 months for sure you would have come to some conclusion of are we exclusive or just kicking it. If it sounds like a duck, quacks like a duck ~ well it’s not a duck until ask!! Some(both men and women) don’t want their wings clipped…so they can continue to fly when they want. I don't ever think you have to worry about scaring people away... I think it's better to scare the few away, if it's real they will be there to see if it is long lasting.

Sometimes it feels so right that you don’t ever think to ask for the definitions. Unfortunate it’s a part of the game that some play(as well as feeling getting hurt too)…you have to ask the question the right way to get the right answer from some folks. Simply put they aren’t interested in a real relationship…just spending time and enjoying it while it last and doesn’t make them commit or answer the question.

We have mentioned folks being honest with others and themselves ~ here you go, simple rules but only when it's the same set rules on both sides!

Yeah...much applause to getting to the bottom of it.

Peace

Dre

Brooke said...

Yes, I think men and women have different views of what constitutes a relationship. You're right Dre, enjoying spending time together isn't what constitutes a relationship - honesty and commitment are. When she said he was like "we're just friends," my heart stopped for her. You could argue that you don't have sex with your friends, but then there's the whole "friends with benefits" thing. Maybe that will be my blog for another day :-)

It's a fine line...a tricky situation. I'm just happy that she's able to talk about it and one day move on from it. Too bad there's no handbook to love and relationships. But we'd be arguing over who wrote it :-) LOL!!

Anonymous said...

I would say that sometimes folks are quick to label something. If things were going well and you're spending all of your time together why did he have to say yes we're in a realationship? Sometimes people are afraid of commitment even though they really enjoy the person. (ie spending every night at somebodies place but not wanting to move in.) When labels are put on things expectations come along with it. He may not have been going out with someone else but the option was there. If he wanted to hang with is boys all night he could b/c he's not her man. I think that's a big thing. He didn't want the committment.

Brooke said...

I get that, but if you know you don't want a commitment, why have this woman all hemmed up? Don't spend every night at her place, talk for hours, have sex with her, just so you can BENEFIT from the relationship without the commitment of one. I think it takes a big person to say to themselves "you know what, I'm spending all my time with her and she's spending all of her time with me and I'm not ready for the commitment. Let me back up a bit and give her some space so she doesn't get this twisted." what's wrong with that?

Anonymous said...

Let's be real... He didn't want anyone else hittin' that.

Brooke said...

Well, in that case, it's just selfish.

Dre Lew said...

It’s the tricky why people view and answer the questions…. A play on words!! Communicating on both sides…but some are deaf in whatever ear you speak * LoL They just don’t want to hear it ~ comfortable as things are, but honesty and commitment aren’t part of their comfort level or thought process. Yeah…the handbook of hard knocks, but somehow even if we read about it ~ we have to live it to understand the whys and why nots. Then argue about who wrote it! LoL

Dre Lew said...

opps...not why ~ way * sorry

Anonymous said...

Personally, that Magical "3 month" number is a bunch of garbage that women force on men.

BEFORE YOU GET MAD AND GO ON YOUR MEN AINT SHIGGITY RANT... hear me out.

You always hear of women imposing these "time frames" on men.
Dont give him none till yall been dating for a 1 month.
If he dates you for 2 years and doesn't buy a ring, be out. tell him SH!t or get off the pot!
dont tell him you love him before 3months... etc.

When a girl says she isnt ready (for sex, for marriage, etc) she expects the man to wait! Not walk out/walk away but wait till she's ready. When a man says He aint ready - it messes with HER timeframe and its an issue. (He's not serious, not mature, just want to hit, etc) And she wants to hit the door.

If he was acting like they were in a relationship, (spending all his free time with her), what needed to change? Why did it have to be labeled?

Do I feel that if he is smashing and laying up wit her every day it indeed IS a releationship, YES. They were in one and he just needs to own that. But thats for him to reach that place, not for her to make him.

Now before you relpy, count to 10... breath, its just my opinion... Wuu Saaa!

G

Brooke said...

I get that, we shouldn't impose strict time frames on people. I agree with that. But I don't see anything wrong with asking the question if things are going well? I've known women to just go with the flow for YEARS only to find out the man NEVER wanted to get married or have a family, etc. Had she asked upfront, she would not have wasted all that time. They enjoyed "kickin it" for years with no specified commitment, all because she didn't want to impose her wants on him or scare him away. Now precious time is gone that can't be gotten back. The woman on the radio didn't try to make him be in a relationship, she just asked the question. He was honest and now she's moving on. I just thought it was interesting discussion since it's hard to wrap our heads around the mysteries of relationships.

Dre Lew said...

Well G…I agree with you on most. But to play devils advocate ~ who is to say the “2 Year” is not a label too. I agree, at some point you say just that “Get off the Pot” Everyone has their comfort zone on time frames. But if a person runs because you sought clarity in knowing. I say ask…people play games ~ and if that question forces the person to split, so be it!! I say you have to be under one understanding…not I know it’s a relationship but the other person calls something else. But I do understand what you are saying.
Dre

Rene The Harlemite said...

There is no measure of time to know when to get into a realtionship. I would like to definitely know more facts and background on the situation . Maybe one of them was in a past situation and jumped into a new one...At least he was honest in saying that he was not ready...Some people jump into situations when they know they are not ready...He could be scared of relationships...Who knows SHE might not be ready and not now it...We are only hearing one side of the story. Keep that in mind.

At least it was on 3 months in...They can both live there life and get over this rather quickly.

Timing is a major factor in realtionships. For real!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I believe 90 days is an adequate time frame to see if you are willing to give the relationship a shot or not. When you begin working for a new company they give you a 90 day probationary period. Sounds to me that after Luscious Liz’s 90 days elapsed, as a business decision, dude felt that it was best that he take his company, and brand in a different direction. Unfortunately this gentleman's business endeavors didn't include Liz.

Seriously though why are women quick to want to define and label relationships? Simply put if she was having a great time and he was having a great time let the chips fall where they may. If the relationship was indeed how she conceived it to be then let the development of the relationship unfold into what it was meant to be. Liz made a key point, she was spending a majority of her time with him and he was doing the same. Obviously ol' boy was feeling her enough that he made it a point to reciprocate the time spent!! If he wasn't feeling her like that then he would have seen her on Monday's and Friday's (there is an exact science behind these two days...I will explain at a later date) By nature, (you know where this is going) men are hunters, we need to hunt our prey and conquer. Once that animal instinct is taken away all you have left is a neutered puppy. A man doesn't want to feel boxed in. I can't lie after dating (key word dating) a chick for only 3 months and she came to me with that relationship question, I would have been scared to death!!!! After dating someone for 90 days, people what will you really learn about the person? All you learn is whether or not you are willing to continue for another 90 days and so forth. The moral of the story...stop asking questions that you are unprepared to hear the answer to. I guarantee that if Liz didn’t ask the question they would still be in new dating bliss and isn’t ignorance true bliss? Remember 90 days people!! In some retail stores you have 90 days to return purchased items!! 90 DAYS!!!
I am reading some of the blogs and I see that

Kat wrote:
"Women fall in love and get married. Men decide to get married and then look for a wife."

Floyd Berry writes, why are all you women looking at every man like he is your next husband? Live life ladies and invest in the business of the understood “YOU” and your lives will be that much simpler!!

FB

Brooke said...

So are you saying that a married man is a neutered puppy because he's no longer out there hunting for his next conquest?

Anonymous said...

Asking do you see yourself having kids (or in this day and age, any MORE kids) is different than, "when we gonna have kids?"

Those two questions are seeking the same answer but one will scare someone off who isnt in the same place as you, who is not planning "years down the road" today.

Maybe he loves her, maybe they have a great time, but it doesn't mean SHE is the one he wants to marry. If a man says he doesnt want to marry you... "Flag on the play"! If she doesn't think he's marrying material, so be it. But if he doesn't think she is, "He's wasting her precious time."

I understand biological clocks and womens safety with pregnancy and age... I get that. IF you are at that point, then you need to make that decision. Is my love for him strong enough that we dont have kids? Or are kids and a ring from "anyone" more imortant than my love for this man?

Plus sometimes, you can tell where a person's head is at just from casual conversation. It doesn't have to be an inquisition. And years don't have to go by to know. Alot of times thats the womans fault cause she thinks "he will change his mind" or "I can get him to change his mind" instead of accepting the answer or seeing the signs.


G

Brooke said...

I agree, I think there are ways to ask the question without is seeming like an interrogation or giving someone an ultimatum. But I think the way she asked was straightforward and he gave her an honest answer. She wasn't feeling it so she bounced, end of story.

The problem I have with what you said about maybe he loves her but knows she isn't the one is that it comes off as selfish to me. If you KNOW she's not the one, even though you love her, then love her enough to let her go. If you KNOW you want to get married one day, and you know she wants that as well, but you know you don't want to marry HER...ever!....then tell her that and let her find the man that WILL want to marry her. Why continue down this path so that someone gets hurt?

I think some men underestimate how strong women really can be. I think they'd be surprised how far honest will get them. Just because you're honest doesn't mean a women will walk away from you if you tell her that you don't want the same things that she does. But if she does walk away, then all it means is that you two are not on the same path.

Case in point: I've had men tell me on the first date that they're just looking for someone to hang with and have sex with every once in a while. I thanked them for their honesty and told them that even though we won't be having sex, that we could still be friends. The man said to my face, "see what I get for being honest?!" He was actually upset!

That's what I don't get. If you can be honest with me, let me be honest with you. It goes both ways. I find that a lot of men will tell you what they think you want to hear just so they can benefit someway...usually sexually. A real man (or woman) will be honest about their intentions and respect the other person if their intentions don't fall in line with theirs.

Anonymous said...

Why are all these comments made from the perspective of a man not being ready?
What about the women out there who are not ready to be in a relationship, but the guy is?

Anonymous said...

I think you missed my point. Are we speaking about marriage or dating?

A married man makes a choice before God to be in a committed relationship with the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life. A man chooses, alongside his woman to create a solid family life. Once that commitment is made, a man and a woman now begin to focus on building a strong nucleus for a family to thrive. It is at this point that the man and the woman, husband and wife, hunt together!!! Any married man that cheats on his wife in my opinion is coward and a snake!!

My point is this alone, the man that is being referred to in this story was honest enough to be up front with his feelings to this woman. This woman, in my opinion, was not woman enough to appreciate that opinion. Her first reaction was to leave and appear disgruntled with his position!! He was virtually given a ultimatum..either you recognize this as a relationship or we are done!! I would have let her walk out the door as well!!

To be frank, do we know why this gentleman, after 90 days, is opposed to entering or defining the relationship? Personally, after my breakup, I started to date and honestly after 90 days I wasn't ready to enter or classify anything as being close to a relationship. I was out there making myself a better person. The woman I dated (now my fiancée) didn’t put pressure on me and claim me...she let the chips lie as they may!! We had fun and we enjoyed each other's company. While seeing her, I started dating someone else simultaneously and had fun with that person too. Ultimately, I found myself more drawn to my now fiancée. I was drawn to her because she wasn't trying to define the relationship...she let the moments and our actions dictate what the relationship would become. Honestly, after 90 days I was thinking that she would be my wife or even is she was going to be my exclusive girl!! My mindset was simply that she and I have a good time and she is cool to be around!! 3 years later here she and I are and God willing in 1 year she will be my wife. I don't have the urge to be the hunter that I was when I was single and dating! I searched and found the woman that I know makes me a better man !! I did all this because I was allowed to let the relationship develop without labeling what it was. Had the tables been flipped I would have respected that decision and continued to enjoy the fruits of the friendship first!! We have to be friends before anything right?

This is real talk!!

FB

Brooke said...

Well, I think it's because we're talking about a specific case - the woman on the radio. But you're right, there are men who feel that women are not ready when they are as well. Do you ask the women upfront if she wants to be in a relationship? Do you wait a specific amount of time? Same question was posed to both men and women.

Brooke said...

FB, I wasn't missing your point, I just wanted clarity. If a man is a hunter by nature, I just wanted to know if a married man felt that that hunter instinct was gone, that's all.

As for you and your fiancee, congrats! But when I was listening to her this morning, I didn't get the feeling that she was disgruntled. I think she was more shocked and hurt, but not necessarily angry. I think she had hopes for the both of them, and when he revealed that he hadn't been exclusive to her, she felt blindsided. That's why I was glad that she at least asked. She didn't give him an ultimatum, she just asked a question and unfortunately she didn't get the answer she wanted. I'd want to know if the person I was having sex with was having sex with other people. She said that's what she was asking him when she asked if they were exclusive. He said he hadn't been exclusive, so she chose what was best for her and that was to end the relationship.

She was being honest with herself and her feelings. She knew what she could and could not handle. If you choose to walk away from that, then that's her decision. We all have different threshholds. The trick is knowing what yours are and being honest with yourself about them.

I don't begrudge anyone their decisions because we're all different. What works for one person may not work for another. I don't see any harm in asking a question - not necessarily "labeling" - but simply asking. Now she knows and she's moving on. Simple as that.

The Black Cloud said...

well it's pretty obvious they were in an undefined "relationship" and with the first sign that he could escape, he did. sometimes the option is the best play and in this case, it worked for both of them. the whole time in advancing a relationship is relative. I don't think there are steadfast rules to it.

Brooke said...

Yes, I think we can all agree to that...everyone's timing is different.

Anonymous said...

Brooke,

I must have missed portions of the broadcast this morning, I didn't know that he stated he wasn't "exclusive" with her. I am arguing on the assumption that she wanted a relationship and he wasn't ready to enter into one. I agree with you that she has every right to ask if he is having sex with other people. He was honest and I agree she made a decision which was best for her!


But, I guess I am confused, if they spent every moment of the evening together when did he have the time to have a side chick(s)?It is kind of hard to have a girl on the side if you are spending every waking moment with the other girl. I think there is more to this story personally! She may have been too clingy and he needed to breathe so he just made the whole thing up, possibly because he wanted to end their dealings together. If I wasn't feeling a chick I would say that I was sleeping with someone else!!

Curious that you state she was blindsided by his revelation!! She didn't suspect anything? Odd, don’t you think? She just randomly asked this question and was blindsided by the answer? In law school they classify her story as a misrepresentation of all the facts. If I had to read a transcript of the show I think we would find some inconsistencies in this story!!

I am asking you as a woman now, if you perceive that you are in an exclusive relationship with a man and you guys spend a majority of your time together, wouldn't you, as a woman, have some sort of idea that your man may not be totally committed to you? Something in this story doesn’t sound amiss to you? Remember she was blindsided?
Also look at the her reaction to when he let her walk out the door, she wasn't ready to let the relationship go. He ultimately had to tell her this wasn't working out. Anyways I digress, I apologize for the misinterpretation of the entire story.

FB

Rene The Harlemite said...

Relationships can be like stocks. You have to take a risk to invest. You may hit the jackpot or you take a loss. If don't you try you will never know. Sometimes you can go by a hunch . Other times you may want to do some research and be patient. At times you but at times you sell. The key is knowing when. You have to watch cycles as well. It can easliy be you why a cycle is going a certain way. No matter what it is a learning process and take what you learn and you it wisely. It's best for you to understand the game and you have to play in order to do so.

Brooke said...

FB,

I think she was blindsided because she thought that he would say "yes" when she asked if he had been exclusive or if he wanted a relationship...cuz, like you said, they spent every moment together, so why SHOULDN'T his answer be yes right? I think she was shocked cuz she didn't get the answer she wanted. It's not anyone's fault, I think she just assumed one thing and it turned out being something completely different. I'm not saying HE blindsided her, I'm saying maybe she should have paid more attention to what was going on and then maybe she would have been able to pick up on what was happening without asking him.

And the fact that she felt she needed to ask says alot in and of itself.

Yes, I do feel that some parts of the story were missing, which is why I said I wish I had more time to listen. When she first started telling the story, I was in and out of the shower, listening to the Today Show, and in the kitchen making lunch and feeding my cat, so I figured I may have missed some things. But I caught the most of what she said and I just felt it would make for interesting discussion today...which is why I posed the questions to all of you to see what YOUR perceptions are in general, not just with her situation. We could argue different points of view all day based on each of our individual experiences, and no one person's would be the right or wrong one.

And I must say, I'm enjoying everyone's take on it - both from men and women.

Brooke said...

Rene, you're right. She took a risk, it backfired for her for whatever reason, and that's that. Her hunch was wrong.

At the end of my post, I said the greatest advance after heartache is getting back out there to love again. You can't have great success or great love without great risk.

LadieK2 said...

Girllllll!!!

Unfortunately this is something I have experience with. And all the women may hate me for saying this, but as a woman, I feel the need to share what I wish I had learned a lonnnnng time ago...

The man has to be the one to ask for the relationship. You won't know he's ready until he knows he's ready. And once he realizes he's ready, he won't be able to contain himself. He'll look for that perfect moment to ask if you're ready, and if you were the one to play your cards right, he won't know that you were just waiting for him to get there all along. Basically, asking a man "where is this going" or "is this a relationship", or anything of the such is the kiss of death. Even if he isn't as strong or as bold as Liz's former "friend" and he lets it go on after that moment, you will notice a marked difference in the air and you will struggle to get back to the way things were until he can't take it anymore. Or until he finds someone else that he won't feel pressured from, even if you peeled back and gave him his "space".

Case in point, one of my cousins has been complaining about his girlfriend everytime I turn around. After hearing the kind of crap he was jawwing about, I used to tell him he just doesn't want to admit he's in love. I just spoke with him a week and a half ago and he was complaining then!

TODAY, I called him for a favor and he was like, "Oh, by the way, I know you're a jetsetter so I hope you can be here for my wedding on Dec. 7th... of this year". I was like WHAT???? He was like, I know. I know. I just woke up one day and realized I can't live without this woman and now I'm realll excited and I can't wait. I was like u sure there's no shotgun to be pulled out? He was like u know I would be complaining if there were!!! lol

Anyhoo, ladies, biting our tongues is not our best suit. But if you ask most of the married women out here, they will tell you that even though they knew a man was going to be their husband when they met him, they were completely surprised when he finally popped the question. (I did say "most") :-) And that translates to just getting into a steady relationship too. If he's a "manly man", which encompasses a lot of pride, it has to come from him.

Just my two cents.. from experience. :-( Sorry gals!

KP

Brooke said...

Oh, and by the way FB...don't think just cuz a man spends all his time with you that he can't dip out on you. Everything that's done isn't always done at night or for long periods of time. I dated a guy once who I was with CONSTANTLY. Never in a million years would I have thought this man would cheat on me, nor have the time to even if he wanted to. And if you don't live together, there's more than enough time in the day to get it on with someone else. Sex only takes but so long. I found out this guy was having sex with his ex when I surprised him at work to take him to dinner. I had done this many times before and there was no issue with it. In fact he loved it when I surprised him. But one day I did it and the girl was sitting there at his job as well. She knew who I was and everything...was even very friendly to me. He was sweatin bullets when I walked in. Turns out he had been seeing us both the entire 6 months we dated and I couldn't see how. But he told me that she would come see him at work, he would leave with her and then he'd give her a half hour of his time, just enough to have sex with her, and then come see me. Talk about blindsided! That was all she needed from him, so it worked out perfectly for him. Me, not so much :-)

It can totally happen.

momo925 said...

I find that men ALWAYS seem to have to time to stick their you know what, you know where!LOL They can be up under you and almost create a delusion that makes you believe that you are the only person that exists for them. Well let me be fair..some men are way better at it than others. But then does that mean the woman wasn't looking for signs or that he just went out of his way to hide them?? After all he wouldn't want to ruin a good thing. Some men say they go out of their way to make sure she never finds out anything that would hurt her and that this is a sign that they "really care" for the woman. Supposedly if they didn't care they wouldn't bother to hide it at all. I don't understand the logic. Furthermore I find the same men that are quick to use that logic and turn around and say they "ain't ya man", are the same ones that get super upset when they find out the woman they are NOT claiming is actually dating someone else.

Brooke said...

Kellie!!

You are so right. My sister is a prime example of that. She said she never let her guard down with her husband UNTIL HE PROPOSED! He told her from the gate that he never wanted to get married or have kids. And she said "okay, cool, I'll hang with you for a minute til I'm ready to bounce." And she did just that. They dated for about a year or so after he said that to her. She wasn't pressed. It wasn't until she said she would have to stop seeing him soon because she wanted to get married and have kids one day, thanked him for the fun times and was about to leave for him to be like "hold up! I want to be with this women forever!" She never pressured him, had her fun, and then waited til HE was ready. This year will make 8 years they've been married, 11 together, and the 2 lovely nephews I brag about belong to them. So Kellie, I totally here you!

Monica!!!

You got that right. The dude that is like "I just want us to kick it, no strings" is the SAME DUDE who is TIGHT when he sees you out with someone else, or who breaks when he's with you at 11P and your phone rings...talking about "who dat?" See!!!! Crazy man. LOL!!

-V- said...

Advise to all women ...

He's either into you, or he's not.

It's that simple.

Sex, hanging out, pillow talk, whatever ... doesn't signify a relationship.

Brooke said...

Well alrighty then :-)

So I guess what you're saying is if he's into you, you'll just know, you won't have to ask? yes?

Break it down, V, break it down!

Related Posts with Thumbnails