Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Haters



1. See also "Player Hater."

A HATER, of which "playa hater" is but a subgroup, partakes excessively of criticism and negativity. The defining characteristic of a hater is that the hater's ire is directed at someone who has achieved some level of success (where success may be measured in terms of scrilla, macking ability, or general pimpness). It is inferred that the source of the hater's dislike is rooted in jealousy, and not some other justifiable reason.

Most simply, a hater is someone who openly criticizes, purposefully attempts to sabotage, or who indulges in any number of other negative activities/behaviors aimed at someone else for no reason. The derogatory aspect to the term comes in the idea that the person who's hatin is really only jealous.

Now that we have the definition out of the way - courtesy of the Urban Dictionary - let's talk about this. Actually, today's blog is a part one of two...to be continued tomorrow.

Today's blog even has a couple elements to it, so it may seem like I'm all over the place today. Let me get started and break it down. And please, I hope this doesn't rub some of you the wrong way...just read and stay with me - please :-)

My sister and I were talking about yesterday's blog and dating in general. Since she hasn't been out on the dating scene for a long time, she asked if dating was really as bad as us single ladies say it is. She said she was talking to one of her good friends and they were discussing how online dating was non-existent when they were dating and when they got married. Now it's the norm.

Now, I've dabbled in online dating. As a matter of fact, almost all of my single friends have. It's almost a given that this is one of the ways you can meet people. For some single people, they feel that this is the ONLY way to meet people - either because they're shy, they're disengaged from the club scene or were never really a part of it to begin with, they work long hours, etc. The reasons are endless.

Still with me? good :-)

So my sister asked me, "whatever happened to just meeting people face to face?" I told her it's not as common anymore, or it usually happens by accident. Living in NYC, I can tell you that a lot of times we're too busy to pursue that glance we get from the cute guy on the train - we're in a rush. Also, I find that dating in NYC is a skill and adventure in and of itself. I don't want to run the risk of insulting any brothas from the NYC, but let's just say that they have a swagger that exists because they know they have options. Many options. And they exercise those options. They have no problem dating you and a handful of other women at the same time. Trust.

Following the story? I'm getting to the point...just hold on :-)

Okay, so she says "well, what about your married female friends? Or your friends that have a boyfriend? Can't they introduce you to someone?" I had to pause and think about that. I told her that none of my friends are interested in or even thinking about hooking me up...it's just never happened - even when I asked them to look out for a sista.

Out of nowhere, she says "Well, that's not surprising, I always thought your friends were haters."

Whoa! Where did that come from?

I had to think about that. Why would she say that? Her logic was that if my friends truly wanted to see me happy, they would actively be on the lookout. My sister is always inquiring a man's status for me. I remember she was at the hospital in labor and asked a cute doctor who walked by if he was single. She was asking for me. She's always telling me, "Hey, there's a handsome man who prays at the mosque. If you wouldn't mind converting, I could get his number for you!" She's crazy! LOL! But I love her for it :-)

When I complain to my married friends about dating, they just say "sorry girl." When I ask them if their husbands have any single friends, they say "I'll see" or "yeah, but you don't want them." It's a conversation in passing, not really taken seriously.

Maybe they think I'm joking. Who knows.

But is that hating? Or just not really caring? I'm not sure that it's either really, but one could look at it many different ways. Maybe looking out for me IS on their radar and I just don't know it. (By the way, if it IS on your radar, let me know! LOL!!)

Now, she did concede that the whole dating thing isn't the ONLY reason she thinks that some of my friends are haters. She said it was just one aspect of a series of behaviors.

So I told that story to lead me to the real question for today's blog. Do any of you feel that you have friends who secretly hate on you? Maybe not your "ace boom, friends since kindergarten" friends. But any coworkers, acquaintances, friends of friends? I know a lot of women may think that, but may not want to comment on it. What about you men? No one wants to believe that their friends hate on them - in ANY situation. But do you think that your friends can SUBCONSCIOUSLY hate on you, and not even be aware of it? Tell me what you think about that. I'm curious to see how many of you think it may or may not be true.

Oh, and to all my close friends out there....take what my sister said with a grain of salt. Don't ask me to name names...she probably wasn't talking about you. But if you're offended...then maybe she was :-) HA!

Hit me up!

-b

P.S. Tomorrow's blog is a continuation of part of today's topic about online dating - specifically the online dating "no-no's" or the "DON'T's" of online dating. So if you haven't responded yet to my DON'T's inquiry from yesterday, you still have time to get them to me so I can post them!

Brookeybaby73@yahoo.com - Thanks!

34 comments:

Annamaria said...

HI HATER HI HATER!!! lol
Great topic as usual. PERSONALLY SPEAKING I don't think any of Austin's friends are good enough for you so that is why I wouldn't hook u up unless u asked me to hook you up with a specific one..lol
I think that there are lots of haters out there & you definitely have to be careful. There are a lot of people who portray themselves to be happy but really aren't & don't want you to be either. There are a lot of happy people out there that still don't want you to be happy so that you need them.
All in all I think it's most important to make yourself happy first & foremost & the haters will eventually fade away. Because if you are truly happy NONE of them B*tches (Yeah I dropped the B BOMB) can get to you anyways!

Malek said...

YEAH, I SAID IT!

I'm Brooke's sister Nicole and I'm running out to a PTA meeting right now, but please believe I will have more to say on this topic later when I get back. Then I will break it down so it can forever and consistently BE BROKE! LOL!

Peace!

Anonymous said...

In the case of your friends not "looking out" for you I wouldn't say that's hating. I would say that's apathy or maybe they don't like to set up friends b/c if things go bad they will be caught in the middle. We all have "friends" that are haters. So there are friends that are not sad to see a "friend" alone.

J

momo925 said...

LOL...I think women are sometimes catty in that way. Sometimes they know that they are hating and don't care (but that also means they aren't really your friends)and somtimes they can do it subconsciously. For instance, the friend who gives you an indirect compliment like "you think you look fly/cute or something?! lol". They say it a stank/joking manner and ofcourse we dont think anything of it b/c thats is their way of complimenting you but at the same time, the fact that they just can't say "you look nice" or "you look cute" is a small sign of jealousy. In terms of them looking out for man, well most of my friends are single too soooo I'm sure they will be damned before they send a good catch my way lol. However, one of my friends has a twin sister and she ALWAYS seems to look her out or inquire about men for her. So maybe that just comes down to a family thing lol. IDK

Brooke said...

Hey Monica,

Yes, I've had friends who give me the whole "backhanded compliment" thing and it makes you want to strangle them :-) I've even have a girlfriend who always says "Guys love Brooke for some reason" like she can't understand why. I always have to be like "what do you mean for SOME REASON?" It kills me! LOL!!

As far as looking out for a man, I agree that it could be a family thing. Or like J said, it could just be that people aren't thinking about it or they don't want to get caught up in the middle. But my sister likened it to a job search. She said "if your good friend got laid off and was looking for a job, and you came across something that you think they'd be interested in, you'd tell them right? Same goes for a man!" LOL!!

She thinks my hater friends are undercover, PRETENDING to have my best interest at heart, but secretly not wanting me to have more than they have - not necessarily material things, but love and happiness from a relationship. She said she thinks they feel that I'd have IT ALL if I were to achieve that, and they don't want that. She also said that if I get into a relationship, I wont' be the single friend who always has time for them.

I'm not so sure it's that deep, but I thought it would at least lead to good conversation today. I know alot of women who say their friends say some crazy stuff to them under the guise of a compliment when they were really hating, so I thought it was something that happens more often than not.

Amanda said...

Girl, unless you want to get with Duane, you know I ain’t got nobody to hook you up with…and please don’t answer that :-)

No haters over here. I tend to not associate myself with them and if I begin to see traits in someone I’ve chosen to include in my circle, I eliminate them from my life. Of course it would be a much more difficult situation if it were a family member or co-worker. Oh wait…I once had a coworker who was a MAJOR hater.
I mean a certified hater but still I think that was more about her having a serious sense of entitlement and really not being able to fathom that I was entitled to the same or more…

BTW: I took no offense about Nicole's comment ;-)

Brooke said...

LOL! Amanda, trust me, you KNOW she wasn't talking about you :) I think we've had this conversation before, so you KNOW! LOL!

No comment on Duane :-)

I have ALOT of coworkers who hate on each other. But I think they hate in a different way. In my office, the hate comes in the form of people trying to stab you in the back or sabotage you in order to advance their own careers. Fortunately in my particular department it always backfires. I think once people identify who the haters are, you know how to get around them.

As far as personally, I try not to surround myself with negative people, so I think my core circle of friends includes some amazing people!

Keefe said...

Brooke,

I'm a hater!!!!! I'm not hooking you up with ANY of my peeps!!!!!

Brooke said...

HAHAHAHA!

Keefe, you hate in a different way! Besides, all your boys have major DRAMA, so yeah...no thanks! LOL!

Annamaria said...

I have an addition to my comment. Brooke you know I am DYING to tase someone sooo if you find any haters from writing this blog let me know. I'll tase them for you!

Brooke said...

LMAO!!

For those of you who don't know, Annamaria has a bit of a violent streak, so stay away from her or she'll light your ass up! LOL!!

Keefe said...

Drama??? My boys are drama free. So what most of them a divorced with kids. :-)

As a matter of fact, I will break my rule and tell Curt to get in touch with you ASAP! :-)

Brooke said...

See, now you got jokes :-)

Dre Lew said...

Hey Brooke, (Back from outside meetings!)

I had to really think about that ~ haters in my camp. I have say...I have heard many eye raising comments made from other people talking about their so called friends. I am of the school...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything. I have to remind my friends and family of that from time to time. I think I am fortunate that I don't have or at least don't think I have any haters. I have a very close knit of friends...so like Amanda and Brooke ~ I tend to keep folks that have that type of negative energy and time to waste away from me. I like to think of myself of a very postitive person and I don't take time to entertain the madness.

However...I am direct, my friends can always count on a honest opinion ~ sometimes unsolicited. In the office you can see them coming a mile away, but as a general practice of management ~ keep your work flow documented.

You got my penny worth!! LoL

Peace

Dre

Rene The Harlemite said...

I think you don't find people hooking people because they don't want to be in the middle of anything if some drama happens. Some people don't because it's not worthwhile for your to person. I have to agree some people are caddy and will not do so because they are not happy and don't want to see someone else happier than them...It tends to be mostly females that I have this occur with.

I have to agree with Annamaria that there are a lot of people that portay like they are happy but they are not. It's sad to say.

In NYC I think both men and females do a lot of fronting on wanting to meeting the opposite sex. Even when hanging are out people front like that is not the reason why you are out. Or that they are too "busy".
Or play a mean roll while being on your Blackberry. Go ahead and keep looking at you Facebook page, that may be the best loving you get! LMAO!

Looks like I will have to have an event when I get back so people can mingle! :)

Amanda said...

You are indeed a VERY positive person, Dre and I love that about you :-)

Brooke said...

Yes, I have to say that Dre, Rene, all of you are cool. My sister was mostly speaking about some of my female friends, so I wanted to pose the same question to men. I must admit though, I only know one guy who hates on EVERYONE. Other than that, most of the craziness comes from women - sad to say. But I'm sure there are just as many male haters as female haters - they just may hate on different things :-)

But no, I don't worry too much about my friends hooking me up. I've stopped asking cuz I realized no one was looking out :) Now me on the other hand, I have no problem playing cupid...right Rene? LOL!!

Dre Lew said...

Thanks Amanda ~ I try to keep up with you * Wink Wink

Dre Lew said...

Brooke...I think you're right. Guys tend not to be concerned. But you have a few that will try to block you ~ for whatever reason.

Brooke said...

Rene,

What's up with game night!? I'm there!

Malek said...

I'm BAAAAAAACK!!!

What's up haters!? LOL!!

SIKE! Just kidding!

For the majority of Brooke's friends, they are not in fact HATER haters, nor am I talking about the men. Men don't really go there. If a man hates on a woman, it's usually cock-blockin and he's trying hit himself and doesn't want anyone else to. Right Keefe? ;-) LOL!!

I agree with Monica. It's mostly about the backhanded compliments. Most haters don't KNOW they're hating. They're being catty or petty or whatever. I think Brooke has alot of friends like that.

The people that felt they needed to say "well the reason I didn't set you up with so an so is because..."...I'm not talking about you. I'd hope you wouldn't set my sister up with just ANY body and I'm happy that you're being selective for her.

Ironically, the women who I'm talking about don't even read Brooke's blog, because they're too busy hatin on her! This blog something that Brooke likes to do, is good at and has asked for support of and sends to ALL her friends and even people she's never met or doesn't know. I find it funny that the ones I'm speaking of have yet to read or comment on her blog. Matter of fact, I think the haters read it, they just don't comment - and I don't mean comment on the site itself. I'm talking about her friends who have never said "oh, I like your blog" or "I read your blog" or even acknowledged that she had one. These are people she's known for years, and she gets no feedback? Hmmm....odd right?

In regards to dating, I know this is her topic for tomorrow, but I just wanted to say that maybe we should go back to the old school days of dating. Don't feel like you can't introduce your friends to anyone for fear that if something goes wrong, you'll get caught in the middle. Before online dating, this is how it was done. Some things remain the same, what was old school works the best. I'm not saying eliminate online dating, Facebook, Myspace, etc. I'm talking about the days where you said "hey, let's go on a double date" or "I'm going out, wanna come with me, he has a friend" and keep it light. Just look at it like going out. If it works, then great, if not, at least you had fun. What's wrong with that? Your friends know you better than anyone, so not hooking you up because of drama shouldn't be a concern.

Rene!

I didn't understand half of what you wrote, but what I did get was the migling part. YOU GOT IT RIGHT! That's what I'm talkin about. Everyone should make an effort to go to Rene's little mixer and BRING A FRIEND!!!

But please, no HATERS allowed, leave the BITCHASSNESS at the door! LOL!!

P.S. See, I'm up on the lingo for an old married mom, how bout it!

The Fury said...

Haters abound across the universe. The hook-up hater is a different type of hater. The true sign of that hater is the one that YOU KNOW has single friends and just hordes them for him or herself. Hooking people up is always a risky thing. I stay away from the hook up thing because then you're automatically directly involved and when things go horrible, I don't want that phone call/text/IM. God knows that phone call/text/IM has been sent about me.

Brooke, if you have friends that hate on you like that...they're not friends. y'all just "cool".

Brooke said...

It's so funny you say that. The people she speaks of are people that I've known for YEARS. I guess it would be hard to wrap my head around the fact these people are people I'm just "cool" with.

Who knows, it's just opinions on here, so nothing to take to heart. But you're right. Haters come from all over, you just have to make sure they don't rub any of that hate off on you and that you don't reciprocate. Kill 'em with kindness!

And if they're hating, that means you're doing SOMETHING right, right? LOL!!

Su said...

Let them Hate!

Another great blog girl! My mom always told me that not everyone is going to like me. So I never paid much attention to the haters. Haters do what they are inside. If that is there role in life to play, so be it. Leave them to the hating- secertly or out and loud.

As for looking out for a sista, I'm hanging up my card on that one after the whole BD thing. LOL!

Love, Su

Annamaria said...

I purposely came in early & logged in just cause I wanted to see what Brooke's sister was going to say!! LOL SHE IS 150% ON POINT IN EVERYTHING SHE SAID!!!! And one thing that stuck out is how she said people that have known you & "been your friend" for years can't even support you in something as minor as a blog??? Yeah then something is DEFINITELY wrong there. Glad I got in a lil early to catch up on all the comments that were posted.
P.S.- Brooke your sister is pretty cool for an "old married woman" as she puts it..lol She also seems pretty darn wise.
XOXOXOXO

Brooke said...

My sister is the best! I wish everyone could have a sister like mine in their lives. I'm sure all of you who have siblings think the world of your brothers and sisters too. She's special, my best friend.

And she's far from an "old married woman" :-) She's younger than I am, but has so much wisdom. I want to be like her when I grow up :-)

oxtail said...

Brooke, this is Malik from sublackbook. Although I'm all the way in Dubai I had to drop a quick comment because what you are talking about ties into a blog I'm writing on relationships. It's about 15 pages. My wife and I put it together.

After I come back I'm going to post it then send it to sublackbook. It's very controversial post and will surely get a lot of "hateration" if you will, because there are some painful truths that I'll be revealing about why many of today's relationships are completely dysfunctional. It's mostly geared for those looking to get married and who are already married. I think even people who are divorced who want to get married again, might gain a couple things.

BTW, Great blog post.

Malik Abdul Rasheed

Brooke said...

Hey Malik!

Thank you so much for stopping by and reading my blog! I always look forward to reading your comments on the sublackbook - especially when you and Rameer go back and forth! :-) I can't wait to read your blog on relationships. Maybe once you send it, I'll post it in my blog as well, with your permission of course. You always have some very insightful things to say, so we'll definitely be looking forward to it! Thanks!

Gleana said...

Yes - I have had a friend to hate on me - recently in fact. This friend is married with two kids and we were both on a work trip. I was interested in a guy that happened to be working on this project with us and mentioned it to her. What do you know she suddenly finds him to be the cutest thing ever and was all over him like white on rice that night when we went out on the town to blow off some steam. She even went as far as to lick something off his hands that night and said "Honey if I wasn't married I'd eat you up!" I was mortified by her behavior and a little pissed off... but you know what I consider myself to be lucky b/c hey I must have a lot going for me if she had to hate so much on me.

Brooke said...

WOW Glee! Are you serious!?

First of all, that's wrong ON SO MANY LEVELS! 1) - she's married. Da hell?? She would probably be in a tizzy if her husband licked something off someone else's fingers...or any othe body part for that matter! 2) You all WORK TOGETHER! Even if it was after work hours, it's still very unprofessional and a bit risky. Sexual harassment can happen outside of the work place. 3) She's supposed to be your friend. That's nuts...and she's definitely a hater! But that has happend to me before as well, so I can relate. But you know what Glee, you are definitely fabulous, so let her hate! Like Katt Williams said, "Feel free to hate on me!" LOL!!

elizabeth017 said...

i think there are some of us who keep you in mind and are looking out for you but just not wasting your time with the BS by bringin it up. i have some people that i have thought about but after careful screening i was like hmmm...maybe. NAH! (you know how i met Leo so i have to look out for you!). these people either live too far away, are already taken, way, way, WAY too short (5'6" and below!), just have too many issues that would make you unevenly yoked, or just aint about SHIT! (can i cuss on this blog?? lol) trust me when i say that if i ever find someone thats good enough, you will be the first to know! :-)

Brooke said...

Thanks Liz!

I appreciate the love! And while I HAVE dated men shorter than me, I'll trust your judgment on that one :-) LOL!

Yes, you can cuss! Did you NOT see my Katt Williams clip!? I hope I didn't offend anyone with the language, but that clip always cracks me up. I know it's one of your favorites too! LMAO!

cd said...

Hi Brooke,
It's Denice. Remember we reminisced at the lastest Tyler Perry flick (newhouse, SU).

Anyhoo, I read your last two blogs. I totally relate to the "nobody knows anyone" (dating)theme everyone seems to have. I thought I was the only one who encountered this. LOL! I agree with what your sister wrote.
I look forward to reading more of your blogs.
and hey, let's all spread the love. look out for us single, good gals!
smiles.
d.

Brooke said...

Denice!!

Hey!! Thank you for stopping by and commenting! YAY!!

Yes, I don't believe for a second that ALL of my friends don't know SOMEONE out there. Nonsense!

Even worse - I actually have a "friend" that always says "oh, I saw this cute guy that I thought was your type" or "My husband knows this man who is a judge and single and handsome" but never follows through to inquire for me. It's like she's taunting me or something. She always says that she meets all this great guys and can't understand why I can't find a good man, but never once approaches any of these men on my behalf like "hey, is it okay if I have my friend contact you via email or we all get together one night?" And she entertains at her house a lot, if she's not comfortable asking him that then have a get together and invite us both. I'm sure if you think it's a fit, we'd make our way to each other evntually. But she just talks a good game, never acts on it. Finally I said to her, "why are you even telling me this?" I just don't get it!

So I say all that to say - NO - you're not the only one! LOL!!

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