Monday, February 28, 2011

He Never Came!

Happy Monday!

So last week while on the E train, I heard a guy and a girl going back and forth in what seemed to be a friendly debate. She kept saying, “You never came, you never came!”

Now, I have to admit, I was wondering what the hell she was talking about.

Came? Came where? How? With who? ;-)

She noticed that I glanced her way and she smiled at me in a ‘SMH’ way as he said, “You never invited me!”

Ah…she must be saying he never came…to her house. Or something like that. Nothing juicy.

Now he’s looking at me grinning at my perceived disappointment that they weren’t talking about anything sexual.

Finally she says to me, “Who do you believe? Me or Him?”

I told her that since I don’t know either one of them, I’d need specifics.

“I’ve invited him to my apartment several times, but he never came.”

Before she could even finish her sentence, he jumps in, “I’m a man! If she had invited me, you know I’d go.”

Now they’re both looking at me in a “Hurry up, our stop is coming up next and we need your answer NOW” type of way.

I asked, “Are you two dating?”

She says, “Oh no, we’re just friends.”

“Well maybe he wants to be MORE than just friends, so he doesn’t want to come to your place because he won’t be able to control himself. Maybe he’s just trying to be a gentleman" I suggest.

He doesn’t say anything, but she quickly dismisses my theory.

“Oh no, we’re just friends. He’s damn near pre-engaged to his girl.”

The look on his face is now a defeated one.

I turn to him.

“Is this true?”

“Yes. I guess you can say that.”

Trying not to sound too judgmental I say, “Well, if so, then what does being a man have to do with anything? Are you saying that even in your ‘pre-engaged' state you still would have gone to her place if she invited you because ‘you’re a man?”

He looks down at his feet nervously. “Well, that was just my fast reply cuz I couldn’t think of anything better to say, but you both shot that down….so….”

“SEE!!!?” she squeals.

But then I add – now looking at her, “Well, maybe it’s BECAUSE he’s pre-engaged that he hasn’t been to your place. Maybe his ‘pre-engaged girlfriend’ wouldn’t like it if he’s at another woman’s house. It’s obvious you two are good friends, so maybe him going to your place wouldn’t sit well with his girl and he knows it, so he doesn’t want to come over in order to keep the peace and respect his girlfriend.”

She looks at me as if I’d just cracked the Da Vinci code or something.

And he looks at me like “DING, DING, DING, DING! Tell her what she’s won Johnny!”

The doors open up and all three of us get off. I walk ahead, but I can hear her saying “Is that true? Is that the reason? Well then let me meet her so she’s not worried, why didn’t you say something, blah blah blah.”

To me it wasn’t rocket science. And why did she want him to come over so badly anyway? None of it made any sense to me since I didn’t know what led to the conversation…but whatever. She probably thought having him over was no big deal, while to him, going over there could have been the start of a world war.

Most of my male friends have behaved differently towards me once they start dating someone – and I get it - especially if I know they once had an interest in me. It may seem awkward for them to confide in me once they start dating someone new. Or maybe they want to still hang out with you, but haven't figured out how to walk the thin line between remaining close friends with me while still respecting their girlfriends.

I’ve had male friends who have told me they got engaged, and I didn’t even know they were dating anyone. Some kept their girlfriends a secret until the very last minute – maybe because they were holding on to their “singlehood” for as long as they could…who knows. I’ve even dated men in the past who have gone on to marry other women and were afraid to tell me – or didn’t tell me until they were expecting their first child…even though I chatted with them on almost a daily basis. And I'm sure I've dated men who kept ME a secret from their female friends as well.

I never understood it. I always thought that if we’re just friends, no matter how we got to be that way, you can and should be able to tell me anything. And if your new girl would be upset that we’re good friends, then that’s understandable and should be something we can discuss. I got the feeling that the dude on the train wasn’t being fully honest with his female friend - as if he was afraid to admit that he valued his relationship with his girlfriend and didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize it or cause conflict. Maybe that’s why some men keep personal details to themselves…and keep their female friends and their significant others in completely differently worlds far, far away from each other.

One of my guy friends told me that his new wife told him that he could only keep ONE female friend. She has to be an “old” friend…not anyone “new.” And once he chose that friend, he had to give his wife the friend’s phone number, and he wasn’t allowed to talk on the phone or hang out with this one female friend past sunset.

No…I’m not making this up.

I know this because I’m the female friend he chose. I thought her rules were a little extreme, because after all…what can’t be done during the day BEFORE sunset that can be done after dark? Some of the best nookie I’ve ever gotten has been in the early afternoon - and temptation can hit you at ANY time…but I digress… :-)

Anyway, as absurd as I thought her rules were, I had to respect them. He loved his wife, and in order to keep his friend and make her happy, those were the compromises he was willing to make for the sake of his marriage. Did it seem to suggest a lack of trust? In my opinion…yes. But she’s not my wife, it’s not my relationship, and it’s none of my business. As his friend, it’s my job to support him…even if his wife might be an insecure lunatic.

Either that or she caught him cheating before and is determined to keep him on a short leash. Again…who knows.

Anyway, this was a long story told to ask a short question: Do you find that you or your platonic friends change once you/they are in a relationship? Do you automatically set new boundaries for your platonic, opposite sex friends once you start dating someone seriously, or do you interact them the same way you always have? Do you think the rules should change between you and your close, opposite sex friends once you get seriously involved or should your new boo accept your friends in your life on your terms?

Let’s hear it!

Go!

-b

37 comments:

BatMan said...

FIRST!!!

Stef said...

I'm gettin' real sick of Batman being first and not commenting!

Tiswana said...

I take the E train everyday. Why don't I hear convos like these?

The Cable Guy said...

Brooke tricked me with the title! I thought this was gonna be really juicy! LOL!

So...your boy on the train was frontin huh? Wack!

But I have to admit, I've been one to keep my female friends and girlfriends separate. And I will admit why...cuz in my twisted mind, I wanted to keep the option open to hit one of my female friends if the opportunity arose. Most of my female friends are women I've either slept with already, or would like to. I'm rarely the "guy who ended up in the friend zone" dude. So in my mind, if I kept them separate, then if I broke up with my girl, my female friends wouldn't feel weird about giving me some if they'd never met and bonded with my girlfriends.

I know...I'm twisted. And it never worked. Which is why I don't do it anymore.

Most men would sleep with any of their female friends, unless she's the homely female associate we have at work. But other than that, most men surround themselves with women they'd sleep with if given the chance...so they keep her away from their girl so their girl doesn't get suspicious.

Women can sense a woman we'd sleep with a mile away, and would quickly shut that down if she knew we used to date, or that we'd sleep with her if we could. So that's why we do it.

As for dude on the train, maybe he sensed the desperation on ole girl and it was a turnoff, or maybe he wasn't feeling her like that, or maybe he was so in love he didn't have the desire to be all up in some other girl's crib. Either way, she should stop inviting him over and respect his relationship, and respect the fact that he respects HER and his girl enough to not cross that line.

The Cable Guy said...

oh, and B...your boy with the rules and the curfew? Tell him I saw his balls, they're looking for him.

WACK!

The Fury said...

I appreciate The Cable Guy's honesty about wanting to sleep with his female friends. I try not to break that female friend rule...but I have again..and again...damn and then that one time at villain camp...

Friends (male and female) always change when they get a significant other. It comes with the territory. Finding that correct balance is important.

As for dude on the train, he wanted to sleep with his female friend. He didn't go over because he has a girl, felt like he was in the friend zone and wasn't sure if he should even risk all that. Brooke, you broke them down in 10 minutes. Love that! Wise beyond your years.

Rameer The Circumstance said...

LOVE Captain Cable's honesty. As far as things changing once me or my friends get in a relationship...nope. Doesn't happen. But I'm very picky on who is and isn't a close friend of mine - and we tend to have similar attitudes. And I've told EVERY woman I've ever gotten involved with - I have female friends. CLOSE female friends. And most of them had something with me at some point, but don't now. I'm not giving up my friends for you, but I will respect your feelings and try not to do anything that makes you uncomfortable - within REASON. You're free to meet them, and I hope y'all get along. But they were my friends before you, and I'm not cutting them off without good reason. So if you want to go forward knowing that, let's do it. If not - I understand.

I rarely have any issues with the situation after we talk about it. It also doesn't hurt that my female friends tend to be VERY pretty...so the disclaimer is kind of needed. But I figure if you're a mature woman, and you KNOW I'm yours - there should be no problem. And I'm cool with women I date having male friends. I think astute people can pick up on the vibe if there's anything more than friendship going on...cuz your mate should naturally be conscious of not making you feel uncomfortable.

Just my thoughts.

BatMan said...

Hi Stef!!! :-)

BatMan said...

Brooke,

Lets keep it real, most men keep will keep their female friends and their significant others in completely different worlds because the man deep inside knows that if he gets the chance to sleep with the friend, he will.

If the friend knows he has a significant other than that will only mess things up..

Annamaria said...

First off why is this chick sooo thirsty for this dude to come to her house???? Because she wants to FUCK the shit out of him. Lets be real clear & HONEST right now. NO ONE is that EAGER for anyone to come to their house! And that is the EXACT reason why he's kept her ass away from his girl. Because she will be able to tell within the first 5 minutes that this bitch is thirsty!! ANYWHO

I had a lot of male friends before getting into my relationship that I used to hang out with regularly. BUT I think you're priorities change sometimes when you're in a relationship & somethings definitely do have to change. Certain things are different.

Powerz has female friends & other than one or two that I can think of I like most of them.

B-I'm with you on that one. Whatever can be done after dark can DEFINITELY be done during the day!

Annamaria said...

And Brooke u tricked me too. This was TOTALLY not the blog I was expecting! LMAO

Jay said...

Cable Guy kept it real, I think most men can and will agree to most of what he said. That's why he doesn't want Brooke hanging out with Fury...and Fury has proven why with his comment :)

As for your friend with the rules, his wife has made it EASY for him to do dirt now if you ask me. Cuz now, if he's out with Brooke during the day, she assumes he's sticking to her rules...cuz after all, no one has sex during the day (delusional)...and if he says he's out with his boys at night, she HAS to believe him...right?

And all she did was make sure he didn't cheat with a female friend. Most men would cheat with a random chick anyway, not someone his girl actually MET or KNEW.

And what does she accomplish by having Brooke's number? Calling Brooke doesn't keep him from cheating.

Not to disresepct anyone, but she's an idiot. He's probably cheated on her hundreds of times already right under her nose.

Brooke, you summed it up beautifully with dude on the train. And I agree with Annamaria, ole girl wanted to give him some and he knows he has an open invitation to the kitty kat now.

Was she pretty? :)

Stef said...

What is villain camp?

I'm afraid to ask any question of Fury :)

Brooke, you hit the nail on the head with your response to them. He probably knows his girl would CUT HIS ASS if he went over to her house! LOL!

I thought this blog was gonna be about some erectile dsyfunction or some shit! I was gonna say, "oh no! not wack birthday sex!" LOL!

Your boy's wife with the rules? She's a dummy.

BatMan said...

Jay just asked an important question here.

Was she pretty?

Brooke said...

@Jay and Batman,

Yes, she was actually very pretty. So much so that I thought she might have been lying about him not wanting to come over, because I would think MOST men would find her attrctive and want to be in her house.

He was actually very handsome as well, they looked like they would have made an attractive couple. I was sort of disappointed that they weren't together, but then it made sense that he probably didn't trust himself around her and his girl probably doesn't either :)

BatMan said...

@Brooke, there goes your answer. That is why ole boy doesn't want to go to her house. He knows if he goes and her intentions is to sleep with him, he may do it.
If he values his relationship with his girl, then he realizes it best if he doesnt go.

Domina*Tricks said...

Girl on the train sounds shady if you ask me. If he has a girl that he's practically engaged to, then why would she keep inviting him over? To play Uno? I think not.

Like Annamaria said, she wants to f*ck him. That shit wasn't hard for her to figure out, she was trying to tempt him so she could get him there to seduce him.

I've never invited a man or woman over repeatedly that I didn't want to have sex with. And if I invite you over and you turn me down, then I'm on to the next one.

Brooke, your friend with the crazy wife sounds like he's been busted before. She doesn't trust him. But I bet even with all her crazy rules, he'd still risk them for a chance to get with you ;)

BatMan said...

@Domina*Tricks, thats exactly the case. If she knows he has a girl and she keeps stressing him over coming to her house, then that is exactly what she wants to do, F*ck him!!!!

Jay said...

I agree with Batman, he would get with her if put in a compromising situation, so he's keeping himself honest by not going over there. If she wasn't pretty, it would probably be a non-issue.

She probably can't stand the fact that he's not coming there because he respects his girl, or else why keep inviting him and THEN making a big deal out of it on the train to the point where she'd ask a stranger her opinion. She probably feels that since she's beautiful, no man can resist her, and because he is, she's trying harder. It's a challenge to her.

Not for nothinng, but pretty girls are the worst sometimes when it comes to that. Their entire sense of self is reliant on their beauty, and something MUST be wrong if a man doesn't want them.

Jaz said...

Pretty girls ROCK! LOL!

Stef said...

Okay, so the trick is to make sure your man has ugly female friends! LMAO!!

I agree, I think ole girl wanted to do him and is trying to use reverse psychology on him. Little did she know who she was fuckin wit when she ran into "Dear Brookey" on the E train! LOL! She broke it down! Taught her fast ass a lesson!

I don't think pretty girls are the worst Jay, only insecure ones.

BatMan said...

@Jay, you hit it on the nail!!
@Stef, as wrong as it may sound, you are right. It might be best for your man to have ugly friends!! LOL

Serena W. said...

Great blog! How many times have I rode the E train and heard nothing like this! Dang...and I grew up in Queens!

Any who I think there is a mutual attraction but ole boy is a punk (yeah I said it). This will be like a Brown Sugar movie (whomever saw the movie knows what I'm talking about). He wants her too but feels obligated to his pre engaged woman.

It's funny because a couple of you mentioned it, women can sniff out another womans desire from a mile away. I'll never forget when a woman looked me up and down and I knew right then that she was checking me out because she was the female friend to the guy I was seeing and wanted him.

I truly wanted to do a 360 on her and say, "yeah and what!" But what good would that do? (Annamaria no comments about tasing this chick) lol. When I told him he said, "Nah, she's my homegirl, like one of the fellas." I told him, "Those are always the ones, I got my eye on her."

ANY WHO...

Dang Brooke you did break them down! (Waiting for the book as I tap my foot).

As for your friend who's married with the weird rules...is he still married?

I do have a few guy friends but most of them are married but we go so far back. None of them I've ever messed with, we've always been great friends. There are a couple that I'm no longer friends with because of the woman who was tripping. (Oh well...their loss).

Jay said...

@Stef,

Unfortunately, the pretty girls ARE the most insecure. Why? Because that's all they have going for them and they know it. If the girl on the train had an ounce of common sense, she wouldn't need to ask Brooke why he never came to vist her...and she wouldn't be pressed for him to come over in the first place.

Women like Brooke and the women on this blog are surprising rare. Brooke, Annamaria, Yolanda, etc. are all FINE. But they're also smart, funny, good people who have a good head on their shoulders. When you got more going on for you than just looks, that's when other women need to worry.

Brooke, does your boy's wife know what you look like? :) I might have some rules for his ass too if he was hanging around with you.

Jay said...

I meant to say SOME pretty girls, not ALL.

Serena, you fine too :)

Stef and Jaz, I'm sure you are too, even though I've never seen you both :)

Brooke said...

@Jay,

I've never met her, so I can't say if she knows what I look like or not. The guy and I are Facebook friends, so I'm sure if his wife is on FB, she might have smoked me out by now :)

And he told me he gave her my blackberry number, not my cell because he knows I never use my blackberry since it's for work. So if she ever called it, she'd know it was my phone by my outgoing message and not get suspicious of him giving her a fake number. He lists my personal cell number in his phone under the name "Dean" - not Brooke...so she'd think I was one of his guy friends if I ever called or if she checked his call log or text messages. How crazy is that?!

If you have to go thru all that trouble, something is wrong. I told him to just delete me if it's that big of a deal...I don't need no crazy wives calling me!

Serena W. said...

*blushing* thanks Jay!

I left that out in my comment, if I invite you over and you turn me down then there is no need to put it out there (again).

Especially if ole boy is engaged, just leave it alone. I still feel like ita mutual attraction but he's actually playing it smart by not going over there.

Does anyone think he'll invite his homegirl to the wedding? Now that would be interesting.

Stef said...

@Serena,

You are SO RIGHT! It's always the "homegirl" you have to look out for! Especially if she's uglier than you are (yes, we know when chicks are not as cute as us) and they want your man even though he never gave her the time of day. Yes, women can fall into the "friend zone" too...and the ones who do are the ones you have to look out for cuz they'll throw themselves at your man! I think the girl on the train was in the "friend zone."

Serena W. said...

Brooke...he has you listed as "Dean?"

Is it that deep? Either he stepped out OR his wife has unresolved trust issues from the past and your friend is paying for it.

The Cable Guy said...

@Brooke,

If your boy is going thru all that trouble to keep you a secret, then he wants to f*ck you. Plain and simple. His wife is right to worry about him and set rules, cuz clearly he's grimey if he's changing names and giving odd numbers and whatnot.

He'll push up on you one day, if he hasn't already. Trust.

A-Buzz said...

I agree with Cable Guy & to take it a step further & I'm sure that you aren't the only chick in his phone with a guys name..

Brooke said...

I'm pretty sure I'm not either - and I'm sure I'm not his only female friend :)

Courtney said...

Wow, dude listed you as "Dean" in his phone? Yeah, he's up to something. That's nuts.

I agree with all the sentiments here, but women keep their male friends and boyfriends separate too. I know I do, but mainly because of what Cable Guy said. They all assume that guys want to sleep with their female friends, so they think all my boys want to get with me. It's just easier to keep them apart otherwise all that machismo surfaces and makes everything ugly.

If Fury was my friend, they'd DEFINITELY be worried! Brooke, you might not be safe with him as a male friend :)

Anonymous said...

Cable Guy was right on the money. I personally want to sleep with all my female friends. Every. Last. One. Of. Them. They're all fine as hell, I just ended up in the friend zone with half of them, and the other half, I've slept with already...and wouldn't mind doing it again.

All my girlfriends have never met any of my female friends for that very reason. I know they'd be leary of them cuz they're all sexy and good looking, which is all I like to surround myself with. Like Rameer, I don't really hang with unattractive women, just happens to be that way, so my girlfriends have been jealous in the past of our close relationships and the fact that all my female friends are fine as hell. I don't blame them, they might need to worry about me.

Stef said...

@anonymous,

If your girlfriends need to worry about you, then why do you have girlfriends? Seems to me if you can't be trusted, then you need to stay single.

Anonymous said...

@Stef,

You right, no argument from me here. I'm a work in progress!

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