Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Dear Brookey...Sexless.

Happy Hump Day!

Happy Birthday Rameer!

Speaking of hump days...how many days have all of you ever gone without "humping?" I ask because of a Dear Brookey letter I received today...and here it is:

Dear Brookey,

I wanted to get your take on something to see if I'm normal. I can go weeks, months or even a year without having sex. I have sex moreso out of obligation than out of desire. I have a boyfriend who I've been with for over a year. While he never complains about our sometimes weeks long droughts, he's confused as to why I love to cuddle, snuggle and kiss and hold hands, but don't feel the need to have sex all the time. I know he loves me because he never pressures me and always makes me feel loved and desired, but I'm wondering if there's anything wrong with me. What do you think?

-Sexless

***Disclaimer: I'm not a sex expert and I have never had this problem...EVER***

Now...this is very interesting to me - not because you may not have a high sex drive, but because you're affectionate, yet not sexual. I love to hug, kiss, caress, nibble, stroke, cuddle and snuggle too - and if it leads to sex...EVEN BETTER. So I think that's why your boyfriend is confused, because most men I know associate a woman's touch with sex. If you so much as breathe too hard on them or brush against their arm, they interpret that as some sort of sexual overture. I think most men assume that if a woman wants to hug and kiss, she better be ready for more - cuz that's where they're headed.

It's great that he doesn't pressure you and always makes you feel loved. If your relationship is healthy, then I wouldn't worry about it or assume that something is wrong with you. Some people just aren't hyper sexual people and don't have a high libido - and if nothing is physically wrong with you, then I wouldn't stress it.

Now, there may be an emotional reason why sex isn't something you desire - right now. Some men and women can be very loving and affectionate, but fear the emotional intimacy that comes with sex. You two probably connect in other ways, but sex may bring you closer than you're subconsciously willing to go right now...so you keep that part of intimacy at bay as long as possible. Again, I'm no expert, but this might be a reason why you can go long periods of time without allowing someone to get THAT close to you.

I don't think you should be having sex out of obligation either. I feel you should genuinely WANT to have sex when you do it - not because you've counted the days and it's the third Wednesday of the month, so you might as well get it over with. Maybe you can explore different places or positions to make it more interesting. Even good sex can become routine, and if you've been together for over a year, then maybe you should try to find ways to spice it up a bit. Try role playing, taking showers together, watching some sexy movies together - SOMETHING.

I always worry that my sex muscles will atrophy from "non-use," so I've never purposely abstained from sex. Trust me, if I'm in a drought, it's not MY doing :-) I know that going weeks without sex can happen with couples who have kids and who get busy with work, but I dread that...along with wearing "mom jeans." I think it's every couples' responsibility to keep their sexual lives in tact...and thriving. You are no exception.

But this letter makes me wonder - have any of you ever PURPOSELY given up sex, and if so...WHY??? Was it for a spiritual reason? To "find" yourself? To be able to tell the jerks from the gems? I'm curious.

I've never gone on a self-imposed sexual hiatus. I've had a few droughts, but that is because there was no one in my bed and my toy was broken. And it's also because I don't long for sex strongly enough to the point where I'd have sex with just ANYone. I'm at a point in my life where casual sex is just something I'm not interested in...so I'll just go without. While we all know great sex can be born from a good relationship, we also all know that a good relationship isn't necessarily born from great sex.

I say all that to say, if you have a great relationship...the sex can always get better. There is nothing wrong with you (that I can tell...but then again...I'm not a professional), so just be grateful that you have a wonderful boyfriend who loves you just the way you are...dry panties and all :-)

-b

65 comments:

Annamaria said...

First bitches

Stef said...

DAMMIT!!!

Annamaria said...

OK I have a question??? Why do all the Dear Brookey letters that you get are always from some girl that doesn't like to FUCK...

They should just form a lil club & date each other.

Sorry if I'm being harsh but.....OK wait I'm really not sorry about being harsh.. Harsh is all these significant others that have to cuddle & hold hands & watch chick flicks, etc etc and can't even end the night with a happy ending...

Stef said...

WORD!!!

I love sex so much that I've made the unfortunate mistake of sexing men I know I have no business messing with. Maybe I SHOULD abstain! But sex is just so damn good!

Nah, I kid...sort of. I won't go so far as to say something is wrong with her, but SOMETHING ain't right when a person can go a YEAR without f*ckin! That's just insane! Maybe it's HIM she's not attracted to?

He's probably cheating, which is why he doesn't pressure her, cuz I don't know ANY dude that would go weeks without having sex with their GIRLFRIEND of over a year. I'm just being real here. That's bullsh*t!

I'm with you Annamaria!

Brooke said...

well damn, tell us how you REALLY feel :-) LOL!

The Cable Guy said...

Brooke, I see how nice you were trying to be with your response, but I'm sorry - I'm with Annamaria and Stef (hi hater) on this one. Something IS wrong with her if she can go a year without sex.

A week? okay...a month...ehh...ok. But a month or a year, WHILE SHE HAS A MAN??? Nah son, not hearing that. She'd be a lonely chick messin with me. There's no way I'm dealing with a girl who gives me sex every once in a blue (balls) moon. Hell no. I would rather she said she's not having sex til she got married. But you ain't gonna ration it out to me but then we "cuddle" every day. C'mon son. Really?

I'm sorry, something ain't right. I think this is the only time I disagree with you B. Sorry.

Stef said...

oh, and Happy Birthday Rameer!

And to answer your question Brooke - NO, I've never purposely abstained from sex. But I might have to so that I choose better man to have sex WITH :-) LOL!

The Cable Guy said...

I've never purposely abstained either.

I hope chick gives good head, cuz I don't see why her man is still with her. Seriously.

Annamaria said...

1. SORRY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAMEER!! :)

2. I've said it once. I'll say it again there is NO way in hell that I am cuddling & laying in bed or sitting next to OR even breathing the same damn air as my fiancee is & I don't want to molest him right there & then.

3. There is definitely SOMETHING WRONG.

any of you women & men reading this blog that don't like having sex or don't want it on a regular basis GO SEE A DR.. If they say there is nothing wrong with you GO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST.. cuz somewhere something is wrong.

Craig n 'em said...

I'm ready to have sex if a woman "sighs"...DAMN!! "SIGHS" are so fucking sexy....I love when women do that..

Craig n 'em said...

Oh, Happy Birthday Rameer...I hope you're getting ASS today...

Mystery said...

Hi Stef, can we hear the Head Board story again!! LOL

Annamaria said...

@ least Stef ain't afraid to bone... She may be afraid of headboards but she ain't afraid of boning!!! LMAO

Anonymous said...

Amen Annamaria!!!

The BF must be beating his meat on the reg or he is sexing some other chick! WTF am I cuddling for get all hot and bothered and shit just to take a stiff piece of wood to bed! Get the fuck outta here! Men need to secrete that semen on a regular basis! Trust me this dude is getting his rocks off somewhere and somehow! I had a chick that tried to ration the P... so I started straying. The old adage is this....Fuck your man ladies cause if you ain't another bitch will!

Sorry to be so crass...but the chick who wrote to you today needs to play in traffic with a dildo and live a little! or become a nun!

Mystery said...

Head Board, Head Board, Head Board!!! LOL

Stef said...

@Mystery,

HELL NO you can't hear the headboard story again. That was only for TMI Tuesday!

@Cable Guy, hi hater to you too!
with your crass ass!

@Craig, you are CRAZY!!!

Craig n 'em said...

All those in favor of Anonymous' comment? (RAISING MY HANDS HYSTERICALLY)

Dude is smashing another chick...Or he's totally frustrated and unable to really tell her how he feels thus CALLUSES on his hands...

Moneman2 said...

Sex, like milk, "Does the body good" Brooke your friend needs to get down and dirty and get it!! Tell her man to stop cuddling and start boning!!!!

Moneman2 said...

@ Stef forget telling the headboard story again, lets recreate it!!!!

Annamaria said...

NO HE'S BONING SOMEONE ELSE. SORRY TO BE MEAN HONEY BUT IF HE'S NOT BOTHERING YOU HE'S EITHER SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN OR HE'S GAY & SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER MAN.. EITHER WAY HE'S SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE!

Courtney said...

Umm, maybe we're being a little too mean to her. I mean, she IS asking Brooke if something is wrong, so at least she's concerned. Give her a little credit. And Cable Guy, I don't see where you're disagreeing with Brooke. In Brooke's defense, she DID say that IF nothing is physically wrong with her, then it might be emotional. She covered some bases that maybe "Sexless" didn't think about. But none of us are professionals, and it's quite posslbe that nothing IS wrong with her and that she's just not horny all the time. I wouldn't be so quick to jump the gun, and if it is a hormonal or chemical thing, then maybe she can't help it. But that doesn't mean something is "wrong" with her. Maybe just a bit off balance.

I think you gave some great advice Brooke and maybe your suggestions will help them. I don't think all men would stray simply because they're not getting sex on a daily or even weekly basis. There could be some men out there that genuinely love their women for THEM, not the sex they have or don't have. Maybe she's a great person with a good heart, and that's why he's stil with her. I'd hate to think that men only stay for sex, and if that's true, then those men are assholes.

Great blog Brooke!

Craig n 'em said...

I don't like when people underestimate the importance of SEX...

Mystery said...

C'mon Stef, let's hear it again!!!!
I hear they named a Head Board after you!!! LOL

Anonymous said...

@ Courtney....she is asking if something is wrong and we tellin her FUCK YEAH SOMETHING IS WRONG!

Anonymous said...

I remember the story...Stef was getting banged out DS and her head got stuck in the headboard and dude wouldn't stop! LMAO Stef tell the story again! C'MON!

Anonymous said...

Courtney....God Bless you! I have a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and some magic beans too!

Stef said...

I SAID NO!!! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE! LOL!

Annamaria said...

@ Craig.. I don't like when people underestimate the importance of it either.

Glad that she's concerned cuz she DEFINITELY should be. No a man isn't going to stray if he doesn't have sex today. OR tomorrow.. BUT if there has been a season change since the last time you gave it to your man SOMETHING IS WRONG... The same way MEN if there has been a season change since the last time you gave it to your girl SOMETHING IS WRONG..
I may be able to excuse the she wasn't horny on Wednesday but HOW do you have physical contact with your mate. Who you are SUPPOSEDLY in love with & attracted to & not want to have sex with them. I say SUPPOSEDLY because in my opinion if you can go a MONTH OR LONGER without sexing your significant other I don't think you love them NOR do I believe you are attracted to them..

She VERY may well be the sweetest person on the face of the planet with the BEST heart in the world.. BUT guaranteed after a few sexless months that sweet woman will get on YOUR DAMN NERVES! :)

Anonymous said...

Annamaria there is an explanation as to why the sweet woman who is not giving her man any sex regularly (and I am not saying daily...I am saying sex consistently) begins to get on the man's nerves....The answer: HE HAS NOT BUSTED A NUT! HE HAS PENT UP FRUSTRATION IN HIS NUT SACK! Testosterome (sp) builds aggression right? Well her man has a years worth in his balls! He either getting laid somewhere else (as we all speculate) or he is a serial killer! If these folks live in the sticks...the answer may even be the latter and not the former!

Courtney said...

I'm not underestimating the importance of sex, but sex shouldn't be the end all be all to a relationship. There has to be more, because one day, the sex will fade. When her man is in his 50's or 60's and can't get it up like he used to, then what's left? I think alot of younger people think of sex FOR NOW and don't bother nurturing their relationships. I'm not saying older people don't have sex - far from it. I just think that sometimes, a man can see a woman for who she truly is when sex isn't involved, and in this case, maybe he simply loves her just the way she is.

I've abstained for a month once with my boyfriend. I told him that I thought we were in a rut and were disconnected with each other even though we had sex regularly. I thought taking a break would help us rediscover each other - and we did. We found that we could be affectionate and connect while in the same room, hugging and touching, but with no sex. It brought us closer. I'm not saying going a YEAR is healthy, but I learned that sex isn't everything, and once you take it off the table for a little while, you get to learn about the person you're with instead of simply connecting with them on a stricly physical level.

Rameer The Circumstance said...

Thank you to you ALL for the birthday wishes!! I really appreciate it the love, y'all!

My girl got me an AUTHENTIC Kobe Bryant jersey...for STARTERS!! The *big* present (as if a damned $200 jersey ain't enough)?

A PS3. The TOP SHELF one.

Mind you - I told my girl to get me a SU, Lakers or Raiders hat or t-shirt - and I'd be GOOD. I told her to completely not worry about it...

She *didn't listen*. Oh -and she baked me a cake...

So yeah - my birthday started out (and is continuing to be) FANTASTIC. OH - she baked me a double chocolate cake too.

As for the topic...

Crazy. I can't say anything more than has been said - homey is steppin' out and getting his needs met somewhere. A YEAR???

Mu girl thinks something is WRONG with me if I go 3 days without touching her! And that's even if we haven't seen each other due to schedules - she's like "you BETTER stop over for at least an hour so we can get it IN!!"

So I can't relate. The longest I ever waited for a woman to have sex with me - almost a year (met her 1st semester, we didn't have sex until summer break). But that was me waiting for HER to be ready - I still had sex while waiting for her to eventually come around during that timespan...and she knew it...

Craig n 'em said...

Im no way judging the sexless lady in this blog...If any comments I made offended the sexless lady...I apologize to the sexless lady...

HeadBoard Rep said...

@Stef - ??????? LOL

Brooke said...

To clarify, "Sexless" says she has sex with her man, but out of obligation. She never said that she DOES go that long without it, she said that she CAN. She's giving her man sex, she just doesn't crave it like he does. I know a few women like that...and even a few men. So let's not assume her man is cheating on her, because his needs are probably being met...but just not the same way HER'S are.

carry on...

Annamaria said...

My parents are 62 & 72 and still FUCK more than this chick.

Sex doesn't ALWAYS FADE

Courtney said...

I didn't say that it definitely does, I'm just saying, none of us will probably be sexing in our 70's the way we do now.

And like Brooke said, we should re-read the letter, because she never said that she went a year without having sex with her MAN - she simply said she COULD go a year without it.

Craig n 'em said...

She's having LESS SEX than most of the people on this blog...Hence...SEXLESS...

Craig n 'em said...

Shit, I COULD shoot my landlord...But Im not gonna go around saying it...

Anonymous said...

Craig...well stated, but I am judging!
'@Courtney... Sex isn't everything huh? Explain to me the Trojan war! I guess there needed to be a connection on the spiritual level.
I imagine all of the terrorist who blow themselves up are doing it solely because they hate American culture or is it because of their belief that by sacraficing their lives will entitle them to virgins in the afterlife!

Does sexual desire fade...of course it does, but if this couple is young and able then why not indulge in this aspect of life. Hell based on your answer if we begin to lose our sexual app and the ability to perform when in our fifties or sixties one can argue this is more of a reason to get it in! Now you telling me my biological clock us ticking!

Anonymous said...

she could....now we are dealing in semantics...when she should be dealing with semen! if she could that mean she does practice a sexless life style! Magic beans man!

Annamaria said...

lmao... I COULD WIN THE FUCKING LOTTERY BEFORE I COULD GO A YEAR WITHOUT HAVING SEX..

The fact that that is even acceptable in her MIND baffles me.

Courtney congrats on your month long abstinence project. THAT IS ONE CLASS I WILL SURELY NOT BE SIGNING UP FOR.. THANKS BUT NO THANKS...

Craig n 'em said...

Im glad you said Trojan War...Reminds me...I need to pick up a box of Condoms....Cuz, um...Im SEXFULL!!!! What's that you say? WHAT KIND?....I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE GOOOOOOOOOOOLD!

Anonymous said...

Let me ask Courtney this! If you connected with your BF on a spiritual level but the sex was GOD Awful.....Are you staying or are you looking for that dude to crack your back??

Courtney said...

I'm saying love is more powerful than sex...in MY opinion. If we connect spiritually, and in every other way and I'm lucky enough to find a great guy, then the sex can be improved, like Brooke said.

Annamaria said...

Brooke also said that she likes to BONE! LMAO

Craig n 'em said...

Courtney, everything you say makes TOTAL SENSE...the problem is you are speaking to a GROUP of HORNY FREAKS who need sex as much as they need water...So, its not you...it's US....;-)

Brooke said...

I do like to have sex. A lot of it if I'm lucky enough, but I've been in great relationships where sex wasn't the focal point. I dated a guy for 3 years - I lived in Philly and he lived in Brooklyn at the time, so we only had sex when we saw each other on weekends, and sometimes that would mean sex every other weekend...if that.

Granted, it was a long distance relationship, but the sex clearly wasn't what kept us together that long...so I see Courtney's points. Courtney isn't saying that sex isn't important, she's saying it shouldn't be what keeps you together or breaks you up. It's not what your relationship should be buit on. Like I said in the blog, great sex can come from great relationships, but great relationships don't always come from great sex. I think she makes alot of sense actually.

Annamaria said...

I'm going home.. TO BONE MY FIANCEE..LOL

***Drops the mic & exits the building***

Stef said...

@Courtney,

Don't let these horny fools make you feel some kinda way :) You make total sense, just like Craig said :)

Courtney said...

Thanks Stef and Brooke :)

Again, I know sex is important, but finding that special someone is more important...and sex I think gets in the way of really getting to know someone.

Good luck "Sexless" and great blog Brooke!

Craig n 'em said...

Um, aren't you gonna' thank me too, Court?

Courtney said...

Oh, and thank you too Craig! :)

Craig n 'em said...

(Blushing) @ Court....;-)

Jay said...

I'm late to this, but good conversation as usual.

Craig is a fool! :) He keeps me in STITCHES! When are we getting another guest blog from you Craig?

I think Sexless needs to explore why her sex drive is so low. It could be a hormonal thing, a physical thing or an emotional thing. But none of us are wired the same. I think Brooke's suggestions are good ones and hopefully those will help after she's explored other possible reasons.

Not ALL dudes cheat on women they love. We can't make those assumptions simply because we don't see ourselves in this scenario. I think Courtney makes some valid points, I think all of you do...but unless you know firsthand the circumstances, then we shouldn't judge. I love that Brooke can be objective and consider all points before giving rushed and judgemental advice. We just simply don't know.

To answer your question B, I've never purposely abstained from sex for any reason, but I can see it changing after marriage, kids, etc. If you want to keep it fresh, then I think having sex everyday can actually be a bad thing. I LOVE steak, but I might not want it everyday, or else I'd get tired of it. But if I ate it 3 or 4 times a week, then I might never tire of it. Same with sex...maybe.

Who knows, I love sex way too much to abstain for too long, but none of us are the same and that doesn't mean something is right or wrong with any of us here.

Great blog B.

Yolanda said...

I've gone as long as 3 yrs without sex. It's usually because there's no man around. I've never had an actual 'boyfriend' so the men in my life have always boiled down to friends with benefits, truthfully. There have been occasions where I've said screw it, I'm not pursuing sex with someone who doesn't want me ALL the time. But more often then not, it's because there's nothing happening in the man department. As I've gotten older though, like Brooke mentioned, I've grown very tired of prolonging things with someone who just wants to keep it casual. That's my current dilemma actually.

Brooke said...

I totally feel you on that Yolanda, really. It's just a waste of time...and I find that a lot of men always have commitment or emotional issues - but never get tired or have any issues with sex :) Funny how that works right? :) The friends with benefits thing gets tired really quick.

I still find it hard to believe you've never had a boyfriend. Maybe you have and you just didn't know it :) And I also find that a lot of people really ARE in relationships, but never want to label it as such. Just my opinion :)

Anonymous said...

My name is anonymous and I. A sex addict

Jay said...

Yolanda, you've never had a boyfriend? Hogwash! :)

But Brooke is right. We'll reap all the benefits of a relationship without calling it one - because we're scared, punks, or want to keep sexing other people while we "wife" you up...but don't call you "wifey." It's messed up, but that's what a lot of men do.

Three years is a long time, but more women should value that part of themselves, so that's commendable that you won't lay down with just anyone. Friends with benefits can get REAL STICKY if you're not careful, so it's best to just leave it alone and go without sometimes.

Serena W. said...

Hey everyone. I've gone a while (currently) without having any but I don't have a man/fiancee nor husband either.

Why you may ask? I know what I want. I'm ready to meet someone who shares the same goals, dreams, spirituality, etc as me.

Now have I been with someone and gone a long time...no unless the relationship was heading to a tragic end.

I would advise sexless to speak with her gyn doctor.

Also there are "products" she can look into. I know the belly dancing doctor down here in dc that's on the Baisden show has talked a lot about this. Her name is Dr. Sunyatta or Senyatta.

If it is emotional then sexless knows deep within what's going on and should seek help.

That's my 2 cents.

Happy Birthday Rameer! Dry freeze a slice of cake and send it to VA!

Brooke said...

great advice Serena - maybe she needs a female viagra or some stimulating gel :) Her doctor should be able to assess what's best :)

The Fury said...

I know I'm late...but I KNOW you didn't think this was flying by the radar of The Fury!

Most glaring to me is that"Sexless" is very intimate with her man while not wanting actual sex.

I think this has something to do with their relationship and definitely her view on sex. Sure some of us have healthier sexual appetites than others, but being SO easy going about going SO long without sex raises red flags.

Assuming she's below 40 and not pre-menopausal there's some health or mental issue here.

If her man doesn't have naturally lower sex drive he's fucking someone else or is considering it.

The Fury said...

oh yeah Happy Birthday Rameer!

Sexless said...

I wanted to wait til the end of the day to respond to the comments. Thank you Brooke for addressing my letter and sharing with the blog. While I believe some were a bit harsh and judgmental, I appreciate all the comments and advice given - especially yours Brooke...as well as Courtney, Jay, and Serena. Craig, you're funny :)

I'll take all that was said into consideration and draw from the positive responses. Thanks again for your help and feedback Brooke!

Brooke said...

You're welcome Sexless, I sincerely wish you good luck with everything :)

Serena W. said...

You're welcome sexless. Check out that belly dancing doctor. I heard she knows her stuff ;) she also has products that help cleanse the body, etc to help even things out.

Any resources I know I'm happy to share. Be blessed!

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