Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Hey everyone!

Sorry I'm late, been slammed at work! Ugggh! I need a new!

I'm working on it!

Anyway, let's get to it!

Dear Brookey,

If you were married, how many times a week would you have sex with your husband? If the answer is not often (say...only once a year or a few times a year) and your husband cheated and you found out - what would you do? A. Forgive him and give him all the sex he wanted so that he doesn't have to go outside of the marriage anymore or B. Keep doing what you're doing and have sex only when you felt like it. If you went with "B" - would/could you be mad if he cheated again?


Dear Curious,

I don't know ANYONE who would go with option "B" unless they truly didn't care about their marriage...but I'll get back to that in a sec.

To answer your first question, I'd have as much sex as my husband could stand. Now, I realize I may have a stronger sex drive than most, so my expectations may be a bit unreasonable - but if I could have sex every day, I would. I know sex changes after marriage...or so I hear, so I'd think that anyone who was healthy enough for sex would want it often. I'm sure adding children and the stresses of everyday life to the mix can affect how often couples have sex - but you have to be willing to make time for it. Sex in a committed relationship is important. Very important. And no matter how tired I am, or stressed I am, I'd think making time to connect intimately with my partner was a priority in order to keep things in balance. It's only right :-)

Now, of course I'm saying all of this as a "non-married" keep that in mind. I'm also saying all of this as a very sexual, sensual, sensation seeking person too...with no kids :-) But most couples I know who are happy have sex regularly, and even schedule it into their lives to make SURE days, weeks or months don't go by without having sex. Just imagining that a month could go by without having sex with my man is baffling to me - let alone a year. That's grounds for divorce if you ask me....and a few states would agree.

To answer part two of your question, if I cared about my marriage, I'd choose option A - but first I'd have to figure out why I was interested in having sex only a few times a year (again, baffling to me). I'd make an appointment with my doctor asap to see if there was anything physically wrong with me. I've heard that certain conditions can lower your libido - such as diabetes or hypertension. Once I determined if I was healthy enough for sex, I'd seek counseling to see if there were any underlying emotional reasons why I wasn't interested in sex with my husband. Sometimes deeper seeded issues such as depression or resentment can cause you to reject or draw away from your partner sexually. Hopefully we'd seek counseling together so that I could understand his reasons for committing adultery. While he may have simply needed a physical release since I wasn't providing it for him, it could also be that he was seeking an emotional connection as well. Sex is a way for people to feel close to each other - and as much as we think of that as a "woman" thing, men crave that intimacy as well.

If I chose option B, I'd FULLY expect my man to cheat on me again. While I would never condone cheating, I can see how it could happen if someone feels rejected. Everyone wants to feel wanted or desired - man OR woman. If your spouse doesn't want you, the minute anyone shows you any attention or displays an attraction to you, it's only natural to be drawn to that and act on it. If I'm not loving my man, someone else will...and I can't be mad at anyone else but myself for that. If I was swinging from the chandeliers every night, that would be one thing. But if I find reasons to NOT have sex with my husband for weeks or months at a time, then something is wrong and I wouldn't expect him to be faithful - because that would be selfish. I know wedding vows mean a lot, but so do sex and intimacy. If you want your marriage to work and you want your spouse to feel wanted, you'll make time to love them. Simple as that.

Or is it so simple? Am I missing anything? Tell me what you think...GO!



Annamaria said...


Rameer The Circumstance said...

I think I'm just going to sit back and watch the comments on this one...

Brooke said...

Really Rameer - no comment???

I'm stunned!

Annamaria said...

OK I'm mad that Brooke is posting this at 4:45pm when I'm in the middle of working on a spreadsheet for work BUT I understand so I'm gonna take a 5 minute break.

CURIOUS: I agree with Brooke & take it a step further. I don't know ANYONE who would take option B UNLESS they didn't care about their marriage, husband OR themselves. How can you allow yourself to be disrespected & cheated on.
I also agree that there is some underlying cause for concern. How can you love & care for this person & be attracted to them & not want to be intimate with them as often as you can (excluding whatever normal time conflicts that come up.) I actually have a friend going thru a divorce right now because of the same thing. He never cheated on her (that we know of) but it did put a huge strain on their relationship & things just went to hell from there. NOW we realize that for whatever reason she has a lot of deeper issues that she needs to explore as well as some medical issues & hopefully now she'll get the help that she needs.

I am completely attracted to him EVEN when I want to punch him in the throat & there is NEVER a time when I don't desire him. YES with a job, household, new baby, 2 other kids, and all that life has to offer we do just sleep once in a blue... BUT it's not very often that we let the moment pass & we don't avoid each other like the plague.

Stef said...

Dammit Annamaria!

Anyway, I'm with you Brooke on this one. Sex only once a year? Who does that? While cheating is wrong, so is withholding sex from your partner. I think they should write sex into the marriage vows personally. It shouldn't be used as a weapon, or withheld for any reason unless you're physically unable to. If you're not sick though, then why let weeks and months go by without having it? Most women have sex for emotional reasons, so if she didn't want her man, then that means she's probably not emotionally connected to him - which is a deeper problem.

Or it could be that she's not physically attracted to him anymore - like if he gained 50 lbs or something. Who knows, but it needs to be addressed. Either way, you can expect your man to look elsewhere if she ain't giving it up. And I can't say I'd be mad at that. It's not right, but I'd expect it if that were me.

Rameer The Circumstance said...

@ Brooke-Ra - I have no comment cuz I see this all the time with older white I'm just dying to take in what everyone says...

This is a HUGE reason you hear so many sex scandals with political and celebrity marriages involving white women. And that may not be politically correct, and may even offend some - but I've been on this Earth 30+ joints.

It's TRUE.

Brooke said...

so you're saying white women withhold sex in marriage? I'm curious to get your take on that...

Jay said...

Brooke, I think your advice was dead on. Cheating is wrong, no question. But I'd expect my wife to cheat on me if I wasn't giving it to her on the regular. I can see why some couple may grow unattracted to each other - looks fade, weight gain/loss, etc. I can see how children and stress can add to that too. But if none of these things is a factor, then something is REALLY wrong.

If you care about your marriage, you have to make time for sex, date nights, all that good stuff. I'm not married, so I can only say what I HOPE I'd do, but every happy couple I know makes time for their kids, no work, just them. And I hope to do the same thing.

Rameer The Circumstance said...

She just keeps pulling me in...lolz.

I'm not saying only white women do this. And to be honest, it's such a deeper thing than I'm going to be able to get into today...but essentially, since I was a teenager and went to a majority white private school, I've noticed a difference in attitude amongst whites when it comes to marriage. Men are men - we ALWAYS want sex if there's no dysfunction or drop in libido. But there is a mindset that once one is married with children, that you must not be as "nasty" or freaky as you used to - that it's time to be "grown-up and adult". And for some reason, that includes a decrease in sexual activity with OLDER white women.

Granted, this is an old mindset. But it's one that forces a lot of men to step out on their wives- cuz they cant' really get buckwild like they used to or would like; and cuz they don't even feel comfortable asking to have sex on occasions that aren't "special" or "significant". Hell, the woman has to initiate it for it be on and popping.

I know some are reading this like I'm insane. But as I've stated before - I do personal surveys of things I'm interested in, intrigued by, or curious on. I've TALKED to countless older white men (usually middle class or up) about this. And then I've had my boys ask THEIR white older male peers. The view and attitude on sex is vastly different than what is typical in households of color. This isn't to say this doesn't occur with us, but it happens somewhat commonplace in white America, and it's not even diagnosed as a problem. It's regarded as "how it is".

I've asked my dad, older men of color, etc. - it's just different. I don't know why. I suppose it has to do with America's sexual needs and desires being always told to be bad or dirty...which is why studies shows that it's usually the more liberal amongst us (when they say that on cable, they're talking about WHITE PEOPLE, not people of color most times) who don't have the hang-ups. But the staunch conservative people (I'm not talking just politics) subvert this.

Go look at the film Pleasantville. Or watch a season of "Madmen". Think of the daily comedies and dramas and how the joke of "no sex" in marriage is propagated; how it is viewed. How many times have you heard a character say "that's the mother of my children - I can't do that!"? Think about it.

I'm going to stop now, cuz I still fear I can't accurately convey what really is part of a bigger issue from what I've read and watched after making my own observations for years. But this isn't a just a racial thing - it's more of an American thing, that I feel disproportionately effects older white couples.

Jaz said...

Brooke, I'm with you. I don't think I could EVER go a year without having sex. If I have a man, I can barely go a WEEK without it!

I'm sure there are times when I may not be in the mood, but if my man wants it, I'll just have to roll over and get it in. If I don't, someone else will...and they won't care if he's married or not. I'm not saying it's right, but it's REAL. Trust.

If there's nothing physically wrong with you, then just let him hit it from the back real quick, even if you've been fighting! I know that's hard for some women to do, but you don't want your man mad at you AND horny, cuz that bitch that's waiting to give him some will be waiting for you to mess up and not give him any so SHE can! :)

Stef said...

That's REAL TALK right there Jaz! I TOTALLY feel you on that! The next chick will be right there WAITING to give him some!

Brooke said...

Interesting Rameer, never thought of it that way. I may have to do my own personal survey :)

Jaz, I agree. I think even if you're not in the mood, you have to do damage control. Our sex drives may be off for a bit, or not compatible at certain times, but you have to suck it up (or suck SOMEHING! LOL!)

okay...let me stop being nasty :)

But while sex should be mutually fulfilling, I think sometimes you have to be willing to please your partner even if sex isn't on your brain at the time. I know stress and being sick can keep you from doing it...and those times are legitimate. But if you're like Rameer said where you don't do certain things anymore now because you're married...or a mother, then I think that's the wrong mindset to have and a bit selfish.

Stef said...


You're FUNNY! LOL!

You'd BETTER suck something, or someone else will! LOL!

The Cable Guy said...

I wonder how old "Curious" is - cuz I don't know any younger people having sex only once or a few times a year. That's crazy talk. And no couple I know can sustain a marriage on that little bit of sex.

I know there are times when I'm not in the mood, stressed, or whatever. But for a whole year? C'mon son. If that much time goes by and there's no sex, something else is up.

And yes, you can't get mad if your man cheats on you AGAIN after you've discovered the problem the first time around. If it's simply about giving your man more sex so he won't dip out, then by all means you better be giving it up - cuz like Jaz and Stef said, someone else will. One of the main reasons people cheat isn't just about sex, it's about feeling desired...especially by someone new - so you better keep your sex game TIGHT!

Dr. PLJ said...

I always tell my clients that cheating is a symptom of a larger problem. Of course the impact of the affair should not be minimized. As part of the healing process, I'd be curious about what contributed to her lack of sexual desire. Ironically, I'm working with an older White woman in therapy right now who has lost all sexual desire. However after much discussion, she's discovered that she somehow lost her "voice" in her marital relationship. She's currently working on asserting herself more and feeling more "present" in her marital relationship. I often hear women (of all colors) talk about how their desire wanes, but after further exploration it's related to an unrecognized emotional issue. I hope she and her husband seek therapy....ASAP. Condoning cheating is not the answer and neither is just having sex when the desire isn't present. Both options bring on a host of issues.

annamaria said...

I'm a mother & I still enjoy doing ALL the things I did before I became a mom. Shit how u think I got pregnant? (Brooke knows..LOL) anywho giving an excuse like I can't do that anymore cuz I'm a mother is WACK. Like my mama always says put the kids to bed & please ur man!! The funny part is I felt sexy as all hell when I was pregnant. Even at 9 months. And now after giving birth I feel just as sexy so of course I'm eager & excited to get it in... TWSS

Brooke said...

Dr. PLJ,

That is GREAT advice, thanks for posting!

Annamaria, yes...we KNOW how you got pregnant...and I think it's great you still feel even sexier after having a child. You go with your bad self! :)

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