Monday, September 21, 2009
Happy Monday! I hope everyone had a great weekend!
So, if any of you are Entourage fans, you'll know where I'm going with this. If not, then I've provided a clip to help you along. Stay with me now...you'll catch on.
Watch the first scene between Eric and Ashley in the bed...the first minute or so. And then, forward to about 4:10 - 4:45...and then we will discuss.
My question is - do you ask upfront to have access to your boo's private stuff - or do you just...SNOOP?
Friday I asked in my Friday Sexy Survey if you've ever spied on a lover. Well this chick Ashley on Entourage goes through Eric's phone, wants to read his emails, and basically just doesn't trust him. Insecure, justified...or just plain crazy?
We've all been there. Your man gets up to use the bathroom and he leaves his cell behind. He's been acting a little suspect lately. You have your suspicions. A text message bleeps its way on his display. This could be your chance to discover what is really going on. What do you do?
It's tempting to snoop. Most of us are curious when it comes to our partner's private lives, especially if they aren't open about their emotions and we're feeling insecure.
And nowadays, there are so many ways to snoop to tempt us: cell phones, text messages, IM's, call registers and voicemail hacking; email messages that you can even mark "unread" after you've opened it - as well as reading diaries and going through pockets. The list is endless.
What, if anything, stops you?
Respect, trust and intimacy - that's what should stop you. These are all crucial to a successful relationship. Sometimes it's hard to balance our wish to share and know everything about our sweetie while respecting each other's right to personal space and privacy. The funny thing is, trust and intimacy can create the perfect snooping environment - like being left alone in your partner's bedroom. Are you willing to jeopardize those aspects of your relationship? You should also think about how you'd feel if you discovered your partner had been going through your things. Think before you decide to cross that boundary and snoop.
Now some people don't think of it as invading someone's privacy if they have a "feeling." You know, that gut instinct telling you something's not right. Is it then INTUITION instead of intrusion? What if you accept that snooping is a serious invasion of privacy, but you strongly suspect your partner of cheating, you've confronted them and they've denied any wrongdoing? You want firm evidence. Is snooping a smart move to back up intuition?
In the case of Ashley, she had no problem letting E know that she went through his phone, wanted to read his emails and that she didn't trust him. After asking him over and over again who was calling him on his cell phone, he finally showed her that it was his aunt. She felt stupid...and he dumped her. If you're willing to out yourself and confront him or her about what you find, then be prepared for the flip (meaning they may be guilty, but so are YOU for going through his or her stuff) OR, be prepared to be labeled crazy...and being dumped.
If your gut is telling you something is wrong, chances are it IS...and you don't need the proof. But if there really is no "gut feeling" telling you anything, and you're just an insecure person by nature because of issues in past relationships - then you need help. If you snoop for no good reason, your insecurities will ensure that you'll find something you wished you hadn't - whether it's really "evidence" or not. Even if the discovery is relatively harmless, it can still hurt because your mind can and will play tricks on you. That text from a guy could be her cousin, but because you already think she's cheating on you, you'll jump to conclusions and get your feelings hurt. Snooping isn't worth your peace of mind...it'll just make you crazy - and it'll show in your behavior. Insecurity is not sexy.
And sometimes, your lack of trust will be reciprocated by your man/woman because they'll assume that the reason YOU don't trust him or her is because you're guilty of something yourself. Most liars and cheaters are paranoid by nature...cuz they're doing dirt themselves. Marinate on that one.
If you are a serial snooper, like Ashley, you may be using snooping as a way of avoiding real communication and a discussion about trust. When the first temptation to snoop arises, use it as a warning sign in your relationship and ask yourself some questions:
Do I trust them?
Do I feel safe with him/her?
Do I bring up my feelings of insecurity?
A discussion of these issues with your partner or with a close friend can remove the need to snoop. If you're too nervous to raise any these issues because you don't want to receive an unfavourable reaction, it's likely that you are putting off the inevitable for fear of ending up on your own - and being viewed as a nut. Be brave - ask yourself the questions (and be honest about the answers).
There's nothing wrong with asking questions and simply talking it through. A lot of times the confusion comes when you don't know where you stand with someone or the relationship doesn't seem to have a "label" on it. Snooping through someone's stuff may seem like a solution to finding out all that your partner's not telling you, but it'll only satisfy your immediate need - it is a short-term solution. Once you start snooping, even after it's all been laid out on the table, it's hard to stop - and you'll always be focused on what you FIND rather than addressing the real issue of trust in the relationship. Rather than make yourself and your partner crazy, communicate more so you can feel insecure less.
But if you just HAVE to snoop - don't get caught! If the urge overwhelms you and you find yourself rummaging in places you shouldn't, make sure the coast is clear and that you cover your tracks. In an episode of Sex & The City, Carrie meets a sexy man who seems to be too good to be true. Unable to believe her luck, she scours his place while he's out. The sexy man returns unexpectedly to find her forcing the lock on a box. He takes the box from her and opens it to reveal some boy scout badges. Then he dumps her.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss.