Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Happy TMI Tuesday!

It's September! And it feels like it here in the NYC. Somebody please tell me why I was looking for my light sweaters this morning as I was getting dressed?! I love the fall, but damn! Too soon! Buffoonery.

Anyway, this story came just in time for TMI Tuesday.

So I'm in the ladies room yesterday, and in walk two of my coworkers. One starts describing to the other something about her "head being down there" and how "he likes it when I look up at him." After she says, "he likes it all squishy," I quickly figure out that she's talking about giving a guy oral sex. And no...they didn't see me in there or know that anyone was in the stall.

She then goes on to say that he was pushing her head into him - "he has this thing for 'face f*cking' me...and last night his fingers got all tangled up all in my hair, I thought I was gonna die he was pushing so hard!"

Before she could embarrass herself any further, I flushed and emerged from the stall. She takes one look at me and turns as red as a lobster. Her friend just looked at me stunned and then back at her giving her a "did you know she was in here?" look. It took everything I had not to bust out laughing.

I simply gave her a look like, "I hear you girl, I would have freaked out too," washed my hands and made a quick exit. I could hear the one giggling as I left while the one telling the story was like, "oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!"

HILARIOUS!

Now, first of all...if you're gonna tell a juicy story, make sure the bathroom is empty before you put your business on blast. Why she didn't check first is beyond me - it's not like the stall doors go all the way to the floor where you can't see feet. She must have been so excited to tell that one that she couldn't contain herself :-)

In our staff meeting this morning I purposely sat directly across from her to see if she would look at me - she stared at everyone BUT me. I know, that was wrong, but I couldn't help it! :-)

Anyway, I tell this story to say there is definitely an art to giving head. It may take a while to master, but trust me fellas, when we DO figure it out, the last thing we need is...help. Two words for you: Gag Reflex. Unless your girl has a thing against breathing, that whole 'face f*cking' thing is for the birds. We're not starring in a porno, we're trying to please you...and vomiting all over your pretty little d*ck might spoil the mood...jus sayin.

Now, I'm not gonna give a step-by-step tutorial on blessing the mic - even though I could ;-) I'm no Superhead, but I personally love to do that. I love it, not because a penis tastes like a Twix, (okay, some do) but because I love the reaction I get when I do it. Not everyone gets blessed - only a special few - but if you're lucky enough to be blessed by me, then good gawd! Watch out...and hold on! You're in for a treat :-)

Half the battle of mastering giving great oral sex is simply wanting to do it to please your partner. If you think it's nasty, unclean, just downright whorish and un-Christian like, it's not gonna be good - for you OR for him. But if you want to give it a try, I could offer up a few suggestions:

1. Get to know his penis. This is assuming of course that you've already gotten to know HIM to some degree :-) Inspect it. Talk to it. Sing to it. Feel it. Rub it. Caress it. Kiss it. Blow on it. Play with it. Inspect it again (hey, gotta be careful right?). Rub it on your breasts. Brush it across your lips. Simply put, you have to worship it first. Men are just as obsessed with their members as you should be, so if he sees that you love his penis, he'll be hard in your hands and ready to please. Tell him how beautiful it is - he'll love that. Some are so cute you just wanna knit it a hat!

Once you've become comfortable with it, you'll be more comfortable licking or sucking on it. It's easy to be considered a fantastic lover when you worship your man's penis. You'll also have great sex afterwards. But you have to really mean it. Faking will be obvious. If you don't like your man enough to worship his penis, then you're with the wrong man...and you shouldn't be down there.

2. Relax, and BREATHE. If you're nervous or apprehensive, then concentrating on your breathing could be challenging. I find it...I mean...I've heard...it's best to inhale as you pull back, and exhale when you go in, or take short breaths in between motions or while you use your hands. It's easy to panic and lose it if you don't concentrate, but be assured that in time it will become almost second nature to you.

3. Teeth: don't use them. If you've got teeth like Bugs Bunny, make sure he only feels the smooth underside of your front teeth, and not the cutting edges of your fangs.

4. Your tongue on the other, should be your secret weapon to great oral sex. Lick him first - then swirl your tongue around and around, use your moist lips...you get the idea. Most women can't swirl their tongue around their man's shaft while it is in their mouth. If you can't, don't despair. You can get around this by licking him like a lollipop or an ice cream cone. And the man gets the added "visual" stimulation...so everyone wins. Licking is something you should do whether you can swirl your tongue around or not. Licking and kiss-sucking is important. It plays to the whole "worship" his "thing thing" idea and has both the physical and visual aspects that make the difference between a humdrum blowjob and a mind-blowing one.

5. Try not to be squeamish. I know, I know...some fluids just aren't that...um...tasty. But you're gonna taste something if you're down there...so get over it. Unless he's been eating garlic, it shouldn't be too repulsive. I'm not saying swallow or suck it out (his toes will curl up if you do though), but at least have a towel nearby so you can spit it out. If you don't want it in your mouth, then move out the way...cuz otherwise you might get an eye put out. Better to spit it out or swallow it than be blinded...jus sayin.

Okay, let me stop there before I give you all the impression that I actually know what I'm talking about...ahem...cuz this is all stuff I've...um...read about. Yeah, that's it.

And if you simply don't like it or want to do it, that's your business. No one is judging you. Okay, so the men on here might be, but so what? :-) No one should force you to do or make you feel guilty about not doing anything you're uncomfortable with. While I think oral sex adds another very important dimension to your sex life, it's not totally necessary...that much...a little ;-)

If you have any more tricks or suggestions, by all means share. Or if you have a disaster story to tell about either giving oral sex or being on the receiving end, we'd love to hear it!

After all, it's TMI Tuesday...so spill it! (pun TOTALLY intended)

Go!

-b

34 comments:

DMoe said...

First Bitches!!!

Ya'll cant see me.

Wait - i'm reading.

HAHAHAHA

DMoe aka "The First Quencher"

DMoe said...

umm wow.

I am speechless. No, I mean I am literally "without speech". I actually had to look away from the computer as I read because I was fogging my own eyeballs up.

Breathe deep DMoe...

Anyway, the tips were on point. (pun intended)

There is a definite art to it, and there are some women who are actually "legends in their own minds"...The interesting thing is how passe' that level has become in recent years. Its like "kissing" for some folks, and I'm not sure I get that part of it.

However, I do love me some "brain"...LOL.

I somehow feel the need to open the doors of the church as Rev. Brookey was "preachin' up in here!"

Thanks for this TMI. I need a cigarette, and my azz don't even smoke!

DMoe aka Firston Howell III

The Cable Guy said...

Shit. Wow is right.

Brooke, let me find out...

You can't be writin shit like this and not call me ;)

Got. Dam!

momo925 said...

Brooke I think you are in the wrong profession! LMAO You are about to run Zane out of business. Please let me know when the book is coming out!

As for the poor woman in the bathroom stall...LMAO haaaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaa!

Brooke said...

LMAO!!

I have a few Zane-like stories brewing. She better watch out!

DMoe - fogging your eyeballs up?LOL!!

Not like I was describing actually DOING IT...oh wait...maybe I was. But still...ok...nevermind.

NightFall914 said...

Half the battle of mastering giving great oral sex is simply wanting to do it to please your partner.

That's all you need with me. I'd rather have a 100% energized rookie that's willing to please then an then a "superhead" that aint into it.

Memories......

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

All I have to say is...

LMAO @ Knit it a hat.

I'm done

Annamaria said...

I am cracking up right now & no you ain't wrong for sitting across from her. I would have sat across from her eating a banana or sucking on a lollipop on purpose just to get to her! lmao

Anonymous said...

Brooke. ...ummmmm....uh...well ummmmm...wooooow. When it 'comes' to 'knowledge'..you soundin like EINSTEIN...daaaaayum...you soundin like MJB on a 'mic check'...
I love it. please call me @..703.555.HARD....LMAO....
it's your boooyeeee!!!
Zay Buge.

Brooke said...

Zay...you stupid :)

Annamaria, I KNOW your ass would have done that! I ran out of lollipops tho...but you're right, a banana would have messed her up!

She was MORTIFIED! :) Poor thing.

The Cable Guy said...

Okay, since everyone else is being a chump, I'll tell my TMI story.

This one girl SWORE she was workin it man, but had BRACES!

I wanted to cry cuz it felt like my dick was in a vice with nails in it. Every f*ckin tooth hit it and scraped all on my shit. I almost punched her in the head it hurt so bad.

I had to be like "baby, that's alright, nevermind." She wanted to do it every time we had sex, but I couldn't bring myself to tell metal mouth that she was killing me. That was the worst ever!

Rameer said...

1. Nothing wrong with a little face-f**king - there's an art to it as well. You don't HAVE to trigger the gag reflex...

2. No offense, Nightfall - but you can't even CALL a woman a "superhead" if she ain't into it. That title is only reserved for the creme de la creme of geniuses...

Why geniuses, you ask? BRAIN, baby - BRAIN.

3. Cable Dude is trippin' for even allowing metal near his joint...

4. Only rookies don't know how to change the taste for the better for their women. As Christian Troy once informed his partner on "Nip/Tuck": "pineapple juice...for that EXTRA tangy treat."

NightFall914 said...

Never really thought on the the "superhead" meaning too much.

Once I saw that Murder Inc worker bust on her face the had rather not even use the term anymore.lol

If you let them tell it the majority of females seem to think their great at it. Although I have met a few who honestly asked for direction. Now THAT was fun.

Rameer said...

Hmmm...never saw THAT. But I did see her famous video of her vs Mr. Marcus when she had him cringing and screaming like a little B***H...

She was like the Jedi Knight of the skull game! I said right then and there - I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND why she always keeps a famous man. Who the eff could turn THAT down??

She should start a cot-damned DOJO!!!

100% agree with you on most females thinking they're great at it...although Meryl seems 2 have the skills to pay the bills.

Now if she starts talking about Sal's sassy sauce, a bruh might have to travel to NYC...lmao!!!

Anonymous said...

Blessing The Mic: An art every woman should learn to master! Well-said!

Brooke said...

We already talked about Sal's Sassy Sauce in a previous blog Rameer, and your ass STILL ain't come to NYC :)

I might have to ask Ant to bring me some next time he comes down, the things I could do with THAT!

I mean...if I were to do that sort of thing... ;)

The Cable Guy said...

I know Rameer, I know. I don't know what I was thinking.

Brooke said...

what is a "DOJO"?

Rameer said...

LMAO!

Ever see Karate Kid? The place where Johnny and the rest Cobra Kai trained and practiced.

The wiki definition:

A dojo (dōjō?) is a Japanese term which literally means "place of the way". Initially, dōjō were adjunct to temples. The term can refer to a formal training place for any of the Japanese do arts but typically it is considered the formal gathering place for students of any Japanese martial arts style to conduct training, examinations and other related encounters.

The concept of a dōjō as a martial arts training place is a Western concept; in Japan, any physical training facility, including professional wrestling schools, may be called dōjōs depending on the context.

Brooke said...

ahhhh, I see :)

wonder if I could start my own Dojo ;)

....nahhhh..... :)

Rameer said...

I think you SHOULD...

Why keep your gifts/talents to yourself? Don't be selfish - share them with women worldwide! You'll be doing your country a service!

I can see it now:

"Alright ladies...unpeel your bananas...gently...GENTLY...now place your lips 2 centimeters from the tip..."

LMBAO!!!

BY THE POWER OF GREAT SKULL!!!

Brooke said...

It's funny you say that...

I won a contest at a bachelorette party where you had to stick a banana down your throat and pull it out without it breaking. Sounds easy, but not so much...

The person who could stick it the furthest down and pull it back out without breaking it wins.

And I won :) And guess what my prize was?? A BULLET!! LMAO!!!

(did I really just tell y'all that?)

oh well...TMI Tuesday!

(my throat was itching for a couple days behind that mess)

Latinegro said...

Best Blog Ever! Maybe, next time we should talk about the art of eating...

I will not get graphic with my story..although I have thought about it. I may have even told this story to Brooke.

Freshman year I met a girl who was very open about how good her head game was. I, of course had to test her on this. She was re-DICK-culous! I would see her every wednesday for her weekly deepthroat session. Why did I know it was wednesday? Becayse I would go to the taping of "The Rythm" (a college video show) right after.

Now, she said she liked doing it...and let me to beleive that she could be servicing others. So one day, I am the dining hall...and she goes: "I knew u had a big one." I say, "excuse me?" She goes yeah, you are bigger than your boy (insert name)....

WHAT? She goes "Yeah I told him too..."

Rameer said...

(Spitting out tea) WHAT?!?


***goes in office, asks supervisor about impromptu vacation time to go to NYC***

Brooke said...

oh yeah Ant, you told me that story. No wonder she was so good at it, she was givin head to every boy on campus! Including you and yours! Not EVERYONE is supposed to get that...you gotta be special to get the goodies :)

Rameer, you're crazy :)

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Every Dojo needs a live practice dummy!!!

Brooke said...

oh stop it Pretty Ricky!

Gina wouldn't even let you participate :)

Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention how she should choke on it, or spit on it. Make it extra wet :)

Brooke said...

umm...didn't forget, just don't think suggesting someone "choke on a dick" is good advice. Right?

Am I missing something?

choke???

Spit on it? Um...ok...if you're into that sort of thing :) Rock on!

But you do make a good point - wetness IS a priority...but I thought that goes without saying :)

Latinegro said...

I am not into choking at all. If you cant handle it...then you cant..

Anonymous said...

I didn't mean choke on it as in suffocate. I meant choke on it so that it forces more spit to come up.

Brooke said...

Okay, I have no idea what that means, and I don't want to find out. If I'm choking and my eyes are watering, there's a problem.

The Fury said...

This is obviously a blog for the guys. Annamaria is the only woman brave enough to comment. LOL

That story was funny as hell.

Brookey I see you're gaining more fans by discussing your skills...my my my. Me thinks you are well on your way to your own sex blog dear.

Your rules are perfect. I think I may print this out and leave it on desks at the job in the morning...just cuz, ya know. LOL

Brooke said...

Fury, I'm sure you can give them tips, no help from me :)

And Monica commented too, so Annamaria wasn't the only one. But I agree, the ladies are always quiet on TMI Tuesday. If they keep this up, I may have to do away with TMI Tuesdays all together!

hmmph!

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