Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Happy TMI Tuesday!
It's September! And it feels like it here in the NYC. Somebody please tell me why I was looking for my light sweaters this morning as I was getting dressed?! I love the fall, but damn! Too soon! Buffoonery.
Anyway, this story came just in time for TMI Tuesday.
So I'm in the ladies room yesterday, and in walk two of my coworkers. One starts describing to the other something about her "head being down there" and how "he likes it when I look up at him." After she says, "he likes it all squishy," I quickly figure out that she's talking about giving a guy oral sex. And no...they didn't see me in there or know that anyone was in the stall.
She then goes on to say that he was pushing her head into him - "he has this thing for 'face f*cking' me...and last night his fingers got all tangled up all in my hair, I thought I was gonna die he was pushing so hard!"
Before she could embarrass herself any further, I flushed and emerged from the stall. She takes one look at me and turns as red as a lobster. Her friend just looked at me stunned and then back at her giving her a "did you know she was in here?" look. It took everything I had not to bust out laughing.
I simply gave her a look like, "I hear you girl, I would have freaked out too," washed my hands and made a quick exit. I could hear the one giggling as I left while the one telling the story was like, "oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!"
Now, first of all...if you're gonna tell a juicy story, make sure the bathroom is empty before you put your business on blast. Why she didn't check first is beyond me - it's not like the stall doors go all the way to the floor where you can't see feet. She must have been so excited to tell that one that she couldn't contain herself :-)
In our staff meeting this morning I purposely sat directly across from her to see if she would look at me - she stared at everyone BUT me. I know, that was wrong, but I couldn't help it! :-)
Anyway, I tell this story to say there is definitely an art to giving head. It may take a while to master, but trust me fellas, when we DO figure it out, the last thing we need is...help. Two words for you: Gag Reflex. Unless your girl has a thing against breathing, that whole 'face f*cking' thing is for the birds. We're not starring in a porno, we're trying to please you...and vomiting all over your pretty little d*ck might spoil the mood...jus sayin.
Now, I'm not gonna give a step-by-step tutorial on blessing the mic - even though I could ;-) I'm no Superhead, but I personally love to do that. I love it, not because a penis tastes like a Twix, (okay, some do) but because I love the reaction I get when I do it. Not everyone gets blessed - only a special few - but if you're lucky enough to be blessed by me, then good gawd! Watch out...and hold on! You're in for a treat :-)
Half the battle of mastering giving great oral sex is simply wanting to do it to please your partner. If you think it's nasty, unclean, just downright whorish and un-Christian like, it's not gonna be good - for you OR for him. But if you want to give it a try, I could offer up a few suggestions:
1. Get to know his penis. This is assuming of course that you've already gotten to know HIM to some degree :-) Inspect it. Talk to it. Sing to it. Feel it. Rub it. Caress it. Kiss it. Blow on it. Play with it. Inspect it again (hey, gotta be careful right?). Rub it on your breasts. Brush it across your lips. Simply put, you have to worship it first. Men are just as obsessed with their members as you should be, so if he sees that you love his penis, he'll be hard in your hands and ready to please. Tell him how beautiful it is - he'll love that. Some are so cute you just wanna knit it a hat!
Once you've become comfortable with it, you'll be more comfortable licking or sucking on it. It's easy to be considered a fantastic lover when you worship your man's penis. You'll also have great sex afterwards. But you have to really mean it. Faking will be obvious. If you don't like your man enough to worship his penis, then you're with the wrong man...and you shouldn't be down there.
2. Relax, and BREATHE. If you're nervous or apprehensive, then concentrating on your breathing could be challenging. I find it...I mean...I've heard...it's best to inhale as you pull back, and exhale when you go in, or take short breaths in between motions or while you use your hands. It's easy to panic and lose it if you don't concentrate, but be assured that in time it will become almost second nature to you.
3. Teeth: don't use them. If you've got teeth like Bugs Bunny, make sure he only feels the smooth underside of your front teeth, and not the cutting edges of your fangs.
4. Your tongue on the other, should be your secret weapon to great oral sex. Lick him first - then swirl your tongue around and around, use your moist lips...you get the idea. Most women can't swirl their tongue around their man's shaft while it is in their mouth. If you can't, don't despair. You can get around this by licking him like a lollipop or an ice cream cone. And the man gets the added "visual" stimulation...so everyone wins. Licking is something you should do whether you can swirl your tongue around or not. Licking and kiss-sucking is important. It plays to the whole "worship" his "thing thing" idea and has both the physical and visual aspects that make the difference between a humdrum blowjob and a mind-blowing one.
5. Try not to be squeamish. I know, I know...some fluids just aren't that...um...tasty. But you're gonna taste something if you're down there...so get over it. Unless he's been eating garlic, it shouldn't be too repulsive. I'm not saying swallow or suck it out (his toes will curl up if you do though), but at least have a towel nearby so you can spit it out. If you don't want it in your mouth, then move out the way...cuz otherwise you might get an eye put out. Better to spit it out or swallow it than be blinded...jus sayin.
Okay, let me stop there before I give you all the impression that I actually know what I'm talking about...ahem...cuz this is all stuff I've...um...read about. Yeah, that's it.
And if you simply don't like it or want to do it, that's your business. No one is judging you. Okay, so the men on here might be, but so what? :-) No one should force you to do or make you feel guilty about not doing anything you're uncomfortable with. While I think oral sex adds another very important dimension to your sex life, it's not totally necessary...that much...a little ;-)
If you have any more tricks or suggestions, by all means share. Or if you have a disaster story to tell about either giving oral sex or being on the receiving end, we'd love to hear it!
After all, it's TMI Tuesday...so spill it! (pun TOTALLY intended)