Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Happy Hump Day!

Speaking of Humping, guess who my guest blogger is today? :-)

You've read his racy comments on my blog, and if you've never visited Fury's blog Dirty Details, you might wanna give it a look-see (although maybe not at work). Just to give you a lil taste of what you'll find there, Fury is my guest today...with his sexy ass ;-) And who knows, you might find that I've written a lil sumthin sumthin on his site - just to give a glimpse of my "Zane" alter ego ;-) Let's go!

Recession Era Hook-up The Fury.

Let's be frank, the economy has got us all fucked up right now. People are losing their homes by the thousands! Where does that leave the horny folks? We gotta have a place to get down right?? Not everyone can pay for expensive hotel nights. Hell, if your place is in foreclosure, chances are you had trouble paying the damn payments on your regular place - so you won't be renting out a spot! There's always the free places. Let's call them Recession era hook up spots. Yep! Out in public! This is a double pleasure for the exhibitionist type or the freak that likes danger. You just have to do it right. I'll show you how to do this, sun!

1 - Movie Theaters

Sex Type: Oral, Digital Manipulation

Arrest Risk: Low

A darkened theater provides just the right amount of coverage, and if the movie is good enough no one is looking around. Of course, if the movie is TOO good, the theater is packed. Avoid a crowded theater at all costs. It'll surprise you how nosey some people are. Go see a film in its third or fourth week of release during a very odd time - Wednesday at 3PM for instance. At that time, hell you can probably have full-blown sex in the theater. If you ARE planning to have sex, of course the woman should be on top with her back to the man. This way if someone comes in late (no pun intended) or returns from the bathroom, they won't really notice. She can hop up off and pretend that she's also retaking her seat. You know, the seat without the stiff tool in it. If you've planned ahead, the woman DEFINITELY should wear a skirt or a dress. If it's two women, both should be wearing skirts or dresses...and tell me what theater you're in so I can watch because that's bound to be more intriguing than GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Something free flowing works best. Oral sex is pretty easy for the man to receive in a theater. Just avoid sitting in a row with other people. Try the side. Folks are always packing the center seats. All previous rules apply. Winter is easiest because the woman's head can be blocked from view with a coat or jacket. Oral sex for a woman is nearly impossible unless that theater is EMPTY, but don't risk it. If you're good at it, she'll be flailing and moaning louder than the THX sound. Digitally manipulating her clit works best if she's wearing a dress, but I've done it in a crowded theater with the woman unzipping herself...she LOVED that movie.

2 - Hotel Lobby Bathroom

Sex Type: All

Arrest Risk: Medium

With the darkened lighting scheme of these new boutique hotels, you can barely see where the hell you're walking much less anything else. Quite often they have unisex bathrooms in the lobby as well. Just make sure there are more than two stalls. The last thing you need is some hotel guest banging on the door trying to get in. Those boutique hotels have big, surly bodyguards. Key to this fun is of course the new style floor to ceiling stall doors. Sure I've heard of people doing it in the classic "I can see your feet" stalls, but with the floor to ceiling doors there's no worry about someone putting one foot up on the toilet creating the three-legged long shitting monster in stall #3. Always try to use an end stall close to the wall. If you are accosted by security, one of you should feign sickness while the other was "helping out." Ask THEM to get a glass of water from the hotel bar for your sick friend. It'll throw them off.

3 - Lounge or Club Bathroom

Sex Type: All

Arrest Risk: Low

Very similar to the hotel bathroom, make sure the stall doors are the floor to ceiling variety or the unisex bathroom style. In this case, a crowded club really doesn't matter because the bathrooms are ALWAYS crowded in popular clubs. You do have to watch out for nosey bathroom attendants. If there is one, be as slippery as possible (no pun intended) when getting both parties into the bathroom together. One person should go into the stall first leaving the door unlocked, the other waits two minutes, then joins them. With the noise of the club/lounge music, you can get almost as vocal as you want. Although the screamers (Brooke I understand this means you) should keep it to a dulled moan. This is quickie time. Don't go in thinking you're putting in work. Bathroom attendants get antsy after while. They're scared you're in there OD'ing on something, so get in and get out. (pun intended)

4 - Dressing Room

Sex Type: All (male to female oral depends on the size of the room)

Arrest Risk: Medium to High

Damn those floor to ceiling doors are all the rage! Gotta luv 'em. This is one of the riskier maneuvers. You don't want to be in a store that's too crowded, has too many bored employees or lines at the dressing room. Try for an odd hour - late afternoon on a weekday or an hour before closing. The employees are too busy watching the clock and trying to get some of the store clean up done. They won't be wondering why that couple has been trying on the same pair of pants for fifteen minutes. What you'll get away with depends on the store and size of the dressing room. The Gap for instance will get you some oral and maybe some cramped doggy-style. Bloomie's (risky) Nordstrom (riskier) will get you whatever you're daring enough to do. I personally think that's the cause for the store markups on those places. LOL Keep the noise level to a minimum, that muzak ain't covering up screams of passion (again Brooke, I understand this means you). If accosted, ask the attendee for several new sizes and a color that's impossible to find in several items.

5 - Park

Sex Type: Intercourse, Oral on male, Digital Manipulation

Arrest Risk: High

I know several people that have done variations on this. I'm not just talking sitting in a car in a park parking lot. I'm talking in the bushes, on the park bench, out in the open sex. Find the darkest or more secluded area of the park. Central Park, Prospect Park, Fort Greene, Van Cortlandt and Baisley Park for New Yorkers is optimum - though you can get away with some hand-job/digital action in any of your neighborhood parks, including Bryant. Just don't be a scum bucket and do it during daylight hours by the kiddie swings. I know people that have done it doggy-style in the dark in Central Park. Watch out for the bugs though. If the cops bust you, you're busted. They can warn you and let you go, or really be dicks about the whole thing. One of you should always have an eye out for passersby. That means fellas, if she is squatting and pleasing you, there's no room for you to close your eyes, drop your head back and coast.

6 - Parking Garage

Sex Type: All

Arrest Risk: Low (unless you're in the airport...damn terrorists ruining our way of life)

Sometimes you just can't wait to take your ass home (to the telly, to ya mama's house, whatever). Shopping malls (non-holiday season), airports, hospitals, etc. all have the type of parking facilities you want. Don't be all out in the open. Be under the overhang or on a middle level, they provide proper shadows and darkened car seats. If possible find the darkest section of the garage, but don't just have your car sitting by itself in the dark. The roving rent-a-cops will roll by and blast the monster light inside making sure the car wasn't dumped by the mob with a dead Vinnie inside. One person should keep an eye out for passersby or other drivers returning to their cars. Otherwise, it's no hold barred "Back Seat of My Jeep" style. If caught by a rent-a-cop, apologize. Ladies, "mistakenly" flash a breast to the guy as you pull your bra back up and he'll be so happy he has a story to tell he'll let you go. Then get on your way before the real cops show up.



Annamaria said...

FIRST BITCHES 2 days in a row! holla

Annamaria & the sleepless Sophia

Annamaria said...

After reading this I only have one comment. Austin & I need a babysitter. We going out on a date! :)

Brooke said...

Isn't it too soon for you to be having sex? Let alone in public places?? ;-)

Fury thinks I missed all those "Screamer" references...I see you Fury!

And I'm not THAT loud...I don't think, Imean...maybe...wait, huh?

Tiswana said...

Now I know why you like to go to all those free screenings, especially in the not-so-crowded Time-Warner building! :)

Brooke said...

Oh, Tiswana, now you KNOW ain't nothing goin down in the Time Warner screening room. Dude won't even let you bring a water bottle in there, he watches everyone like a hawk! And it's tight in there, very intimate. Everyone would see ALL your business ;)

The Cable Guy said...

Getting oral in a movie theater is the best...I'd recommend that to ANYone!

Brooke, I missed you sweetie :) Glad you had fun with your fam.

Fury, this list is on point!

Powerz said...

I'm digging this! Is it too late to add the last seat in the back of a crowded Greyhound Bus to Atlantic City.....I "heard" that might work! :)

The Fury said...

Ain't never too soon Annamaria! Go for it...umm..unless it's less than 6 wks. LOL

I know you saw the references. Waiting for you to prove me wrong...or right.

Screenings are hard to get off in. Though I went to this one & I was one of three people in the room. I could've easily tasted lady in that one. LOL

Thanks for posting my rubbish, Brookey

Annamaria said...

1. Dr. Brooke & Dr. Fury 6 weeks is the suggested wait time. It ain't going to kill you if it happens sooner..

2. No Austin Powerz it's not too late to add that one!! LOL ;)
Althought I am sure you can come up with a few

The Fury said...

@ Powerz You gotta have money to get on the bus! LOL But yeah if you're on there already...let the dog take you there (pun intended)

Anonymous said...

This was a great way to start the morning. Brings back some memories. Also add the airplane bathroom, it brings new meaning to the mile high club. LOL
Powers with a "z" & Annie Mae just go on a date in the back yard if you want to try something new or old. We never know with you two.

Annamaria said...

Mr. Anonymous... knowing Powerz & I do you really think we've lived here this long & needed you to think of the backyard for us????????????


Brooke said...

Just watch out for those mosquitos like Fury said :-) I got bit up at a birthday party this past weekend!

Rameer said...

My spot was the parking lot at Carousel in Syracuse. Or Thornton Park. Or Bird Library. Or Moon Library. Or the computer lab right off the Quad. Or the Hall Of Languages. Or Newhouse II. Or upstairs of the Schine. OR a remote bathroom in the AAS building. Or the laundry room in BB. OR behind the curtain in Goldstein Auditorium on the stage. Or the computer lab in the old HEOP building. Or the Regatta. Or...

Sorry. I had some SU flashbacks. LMBAO!!!

Brooke said...

I see Rameer did all of his "public fornication" at school ;) LOL!!

JUSTBNME said...

Ok Fury! So I clicked the link to your blog and while I did choose to continue despite the warning...I had no idea what the Hell I was going to see...LAWD LAWD, I'm at work..see you gonna get a sistah fired. Dang it! Oh wait..I've got my iphone ;)Yes!

The Fury said...

Yes heed the warnings. My blog is NSFW (not safe for work). There's some nudity on there depending on what you're looking at..oh the banner has some nudity in it too. LOL

Read it on your Iphone, you'll enjoy yourself...and enjoy yourself.

Wow Rameer is there anywhere on that campus that you didn't have sex? kudos

Brooke said...

I warned you in the intro not to look at it at work! Some sexy stuff on there!

I know right...Rameer was all over with his. I think I only had sex in Haven and in my South Campus apartment!

JUSTBNME said...

See Brooke, I skipped right over that part..dang it! details, details ;)

Brooke said...

Girl, how do you think I found out about his being nosey and clicking on it at work! LOL!!

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