Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Happy Tuesday!

Our very own Rameer suggested I read an article posted on TheRoot.com and explore it as a possible blog topic. The article is titled "What Single Women Can Learn From Michelle," and it discusses professional, black women, our dating choices and the standards we have when it comes to choosing a potential mate. I agree it would make for some great discussion, so let's see what we come up with :-)

Hopefully you clicked on the link and read the story. I know, I know Pretty Ricky...we took up a brotha's lunch break with all that readin' and writin' and stuff :-)

But I don't want to retype or regurgitate the article - so I'll simply say that it says that black women are too picky, or overlook the "nerdy" guy when choosing potential mates - and that if more of us relaxed our standards like Michelle Obama did, we would have "Our Barack" by now.

Okay...maybe...but let's slow down a bit.

I kinda take issue with the author's assumption. Yes, Michelle has admitted to thinking that Barack has a strange name. But the REAL reason she said she was hesitant to date him was because they were colleagues, and she was his boss. Dating someone you work with can be considered unprofessional, and can get sticky. That doesn't mean she thought his ears were too big or that he was a nerd or a cornball. It just means that she wanted to be cautious and professional. Who are we to say that she found him attractive or not? Michelle Obama saying she thought he had a funny name doesn't necessarily translate into her finding him unattractive...it just means she thought he had a funny name.

We're imposing our thoughts and perceptions on Michelle Obama, and since none of us know what she finds attractive or unattractive, the article may have been a bit unfair or presumptuous.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I personally think Barack Obama is sexy as hell. He has that engaging smile that just sucks you in, a brilliant mind coupled with a sincere gaze, and a confidence that oozes self assurance and sexy all at the same time. He captured us with his charismatic, dynamic delivery at the DNC, and his appeal has only grown since. These are characteristics that go beyond the physical - either you have IT or you don't. And Barack has that IT factor that can't be denied...and there's nothing nerdy or corny about it. When you have that IT factor, a person can't help but be drawn to you, no matter what you look like on the outside.

Now...back to the article.

I get what the author is saying.

He's the guy you SHOULD be dating.
He's the guy you SHOULD be interested in.
He's the guy you SHOULD kiss on the lips instead of giving him your cheek.
He's the guy you SHOULD marry.

Ladies, we all know him. He's totally interesting, he makes you laugh, he calls when he says he will, he's reliable to a fault and your mother loves him.

...but...

For some reason we just can't help but put him in the friend zone - that is if we haven't dismissed him from the door. Is it pheromones? lack of chemistry? his coke bottle glasses? funny haircut? highwaters? Why can't we ever be physically attracted to the guy we SHOULD be attracted to? The one who would treat us like a queen, who will be there for us, love us unconditionally?

Don't get me wrong, physical attraction and chemistry are all important. I'm not dismissing that at all. But what I have found is that the more I get to know someone and I discover what a great person they are, my attraction begins to grow. I find that if I'm having an intelligent conversation with a witty man, suddenly I don't notice that he's shorter than I am. Intelligence is sexy to me, so if you can string two sentences together coherently, you got me.

What I'm saying is, strike up a conversation with a man you might not normally think is your "type." You may be surprised at what comes out of his mouth. He may not be the tall, strapping, handsome-by-some-model-standard guy, but he may be funny as hell! Oh...did I mention that if you can make me laugh, you got me that way too? :-)

I've been told I date "cerebral" or "academic" men (read: nerdy). However, I've also dated men who maybe didn't have a college degree - but who also never let me open a car door. They pulled out my chair every time I sat down, and they made sure I was taken care of. They weren't your Morris Chestnut's or Idris Elba's either. Just great guys who were beautiful from the inside out.

I guess what the author is saying is that if there are only 70 single black men for every 100 single black women (and that number is off since that number included incarcerated men), then maybe we shouldn't diminish our chances by discounting the brotha wearing too tight jeans and rocking a Nipsy Russell 'fro - assuming we want to date a brotha (but that's a topic for another day).

There is no perfect man who will have EVERYTHING on your list when it comes to his physical appearance. Yes, we want him to have all of his teeth...preferably porcelain white with a smile like Chris Webber's. But if he has braces, just think of how great his teeth will look when they come off, and go out for coffee with him anyway.

The same goes for men, but since this article addressed black women, I'll keep it there. We don't want a man pre-judging us or dismissing us because we don't look like Halle Berry, so we shouldn't hold on to the same misguided, superficial standard of perfection that no one can attain for men either. Date the guy who has a slight belly. Don't pay too much attention to his non-fashion sense. Stop playing him sideways because his fingers are too small or his voice is a slight octave higher than you think it should be. Is a man who speaks proper English that much of a turn-off? Really?

The strikingly handsome, intelligent, successful, tall, athletic, chiseled, fashionable, handy, ambitious, sensitive, funny, spiritual, devoted, loyal, romantical (Pretty Ricky's word) men ARE out there. But maybe just not all of that wrapped into one. Pick the traits that mean the most to you and see what you can do without. You may find that certain characteristics on your wish list aren't that important after all. Or you may find that you actually DO have all of that in your man...just not the way you envisioned it.

-b

38 comments:

Latinegro said...

First Bitches!!!!!!!!

Latinegro said...

Another retreat day for me, so i will be brief...

It is hard for me to articulate this without making generalizations. So I have to go with experience. For what I saw, growing into the man I am, I noticed that women that I liked did not really like me back for one reason or another.

I wasnt the athlete nor the thug. For the female friends that I did have, because at that time I was always in the friend zone, they wanted guys that were exciting, confident, and were more of the "bad boy" image.

So, I would say in that aspect the article it true. Women tend not to go after the bookworms or the nerds...

However...the days of me being in the friend zone ended once I gained confidence in myself and I stopped caring about wheather women looked at me or not. Maybe there there is something to that? I dunno, but I do think that most women tend to over look good guys.

E.Payne said...

I agree with Latinegro. But I'll take it one step further. The person who cares less controls the relationship/dealings as psychology goes. Not being aggressive sometimes has the bizarre affect of making you appear to be more unattainable than you actually are. By simply not being there at beck and call you can drive up your "IT" factor because then that other person doesn't know what you're up to. Strange, but it's true sometimes. I actually discovered this by accident once I got that confidence that Latinegro speaks of and just stopped caring because I had ish to do besides wanting someone to want me. But I don't suggest playing games because then you lose.

Annamaria said...

Ant women are going to stop looking at you when I tase you to death!!! LMAO

Anywho... I actually dated a guy that looked like Morris Chestnut. He was BEAUTIFUL but there was no connection & something was definitely missing. He was a nice guy, polite, smart, hardworking, articulate & romantic & obviously handsome but the spark was definitely missing....

I was hesitant to date Austin when we met..(took him a year to get me to go on a date with him) Not only was he my collegue but he was TOTALLY not my type. Amongst my issues with him. The whole divorced with 2 kids thing. Fast forward years later & he is everything I never knew I wanted & more. I'm sooo glad I gave him a chance. Funny part is he is dorky & corny BUT THEN AGAIN SO AM I! lol. He's smart, and handsome & hardworking & responsible & romantic & all that AND we have that connection & spark!!!! He makes me feel beautiful everyday & he also makes me laugh every day..He can make my heart skip a beat when he puts on a suit but can have the same effect in jeans & timbs...No he isn't perfect he just is the man who worked for me..

I understand what the person is saying in the article. I was VERY picky. Went after the same sort of dude OVER & OVER. Constantly got my heart broken or felt like I was wasting my time. AND finally when I opened myself up & went outside of my comfort zone BAM it worked out. I look back now & think we always look for PERFECT or someone who can buy us stuff or take us out or has money or is gorgeous, etc etc..
NOW I think what happens when the money or job goes (look at the economy we are in) or you have to be on a budget cause times are rough & unexpected expenses come up. OR beauty fades or someone gets into a bad accident. Are you still going to want to be with that person. Look for something deeper. Something that you know that no matter what you will always want to get thru it with that person.

DMurray said...

This is an interesting blog today. I don't normally respond to the "not enough good black men" idea. I historically think there are not enough good black women. Having found one myself (a bad, and a good black woman) I think while you are dating or waiting; whichever your approach is; you should be improving yourself; preparing to recieve a blessing. Most women will say; I know how to treat a man.....do you really? There are so many questions I could ask right now that would make half the female population that read this response say no. Please don't tell me because you can cook and clean that you know how to take care of a guy; hell my mother does that. We dont need a maid, a chef or a roomate; we need a soulmate, a confidant, a supporter and a lover. Ladies notice I said lover last! Don't get it twisted; gettin it in is important; just not the most important.

Ironically enough, I think back to my own experience and I did rock the high-waters or the coke bottle glasses. I wore Chris-Cross, Karl Kani and sported the Dwayne-Wayne glasses with the sunglass clips. Oh, yeah and I was a jock and I was in hardest classes (as I result I went to SU). I was told in high school for a long time that I was too nice. I only had a few babes that were into me. Then came college and that population grew. Now I frequently get comments like; "where were you or guys like you back in the day" or now that I am getting hitched I get, "another good one gone". I can only think to myself; you were not ready for me then and only a handful of you are really ready now.

So I dont know where this leaves the ladies, but they say women mature faster than men so they should have this figuired out by now.

Annamaria said...

OK I must say that the first problem I see is that people seem to be looking for a good BLACK MAN OR WOMAN or a GOOD HISPANIC man or woman. How about let's concentrate on finding a GOOD MAN OR WOMAN. We put too much emphasis on race & then put all these restrictions on love once you find the race.
Yes we know that your mama can do all these things BUT don't front like if you find a sweet mature wonderful woman who doesn't do all these things for you that you are going to give her half a chance.
Also men/women we hear what YOU want out of a mate..BUT ask yourself this question. WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING TO THE RELATIONSHIP? What do you have to offer? What are you bringing to the table?

Lastly DMurray I disagree with you on one point. Sex is VERY important in relationships. I need to be extremely sexually compatible with my mate (which thank god I am) or else it won't be worth it for me

Brooke said...

I'm glad there are some men chiming in on this one.

And DMurray, I agree...you should be improving yourself everyday so that when you DO meet that man or woman, you'll be a complete person and ready to receive that blessing. I actually wrote a blog about that already - The Michelle to his Barack (I went back and highlighted in the blog today - didn't want to be repetitive). Basically it says that women complain "where are all the 'Barack's' out there" without being the Michelle that it would take to get him. Like Annamaria said, you have to bring just as much if not more to the table.

And and E, I agree...confidence is key. I know men who women wouldn't normally give a second look if looks were all they were going by. But if he has confidence, a self assurance that permeates everything around him, then you can't help but be attracted to that. You have to believe that you are worthy of any and everything you want.

Rameer said...

Like Ant, I can speak from experience...

I can say in my life once I decided to not give a F, it was like I put out a silent signal for women to get at the kid. I actually thought to myself it was pretty sad, but I still benefited. I was never a dog, but it was like the perception of me being a "bad boy" worked so much moreso than the perceived "good guys" who were (and still are) thrown in the "friend box". Funny thing is, when women REALLY get to know me, I inevitably get the "wow - you're a really good guy" comment like it's a surprise. Like I should be treatin' them like ISH or givin' them drama. But my aura is that I don't give a ISH - which, to some extent I don't - but they think that somehow makes me more DMX than Babyface.

I think the article has some truth in it...I know plenty of women who will overlook or pick apart "Babyface", even though he's marriage-material, and will deal with "DMX" and seemingly love the drama.

Men have OTHER problems in choosing women, but I think good women pass over obviously good men for stupid faults - too nerdy, "not enough swag", funny features, etc. - than good men do for good women. My experience - most times when you know one of your boys has a good one, guys are like "yo, you better KEEP that one, son!"

I agree - the author has no idea what Michelle liked or disliked, but the concept I think is more important - women being too meticulous over their mates. I see it ALL the time...cuz guys hang with good guys and bad dudes all the time. And I'm sure most of the guys on here, if being honest, can recount times in their lives watching the "good catch" not being as successful as the perceived "player" or "bad guy".

I don't even understand when women say "he gotta have that 'edge' to him" - so he needs to give you the AURA of a troublemaker or T.I./Jigga/2pac for you to want to deal with him? So Will Smith in "The Pursuit Of Happiness" is less appealing? F outta here.

I don't really respect that train of thought in some women. But I guess I'm somewhat of a hypocrite - cuz I know that PERCEPTION has benefited me in the past, even though I'm not trying to come off as anything other than what I truly am. I tell people I'm a nerd all the time...no one who isn't really close to me believes that...

Brooke said...

I agree with you Rameer, the whole "edge" thing baffles me. What's wrong with a genuinely nice guy? Seems like it's getting harder to find these days since most men are trying to not be nice anymore.

But sometimes I think men mistake being "too nice" with other stuff, and blame their lack of confidence on being "too nice"...which is a mistake. Maybe I'll blog about that tomorrow as a second part to today's blog.

DMurray said...

Ah so much to say and little time to say it!!!!!! I never ever said that sex is not important. I am just saying that it equally important to be emotionally stimulated. If I can make love to your mind I have you for a lifetime. When I am old and gray and this body becomes all frail will I still be gettin in like a stallion....I have every intention! However, when I make love to your mind I can f* your soul until there is no tomorrow. Believe that. So to restate sex is important. Sexual compatibility is important. Sexual fulfillment is important. However, it is all linked to an emotional state....... to tap into that is to get you one step closer to a completely fulfilled love life.

Anna, I agree with you on the love you find. It is absolute. Who cares what the race is? I am sure interracial relationships is a whole different blog day. But I ask you why are so many of us caught on race. Be it the brother who achieves something and "all of a sudden he has a white babe on his arm, or the sister who once again claims she cannot find a good black man and so she always finds herself getting hit on by white dudes. Men and women play the role and get upset about it. (Once again who separate topic). I have seen and experienced alot in my travels and I can tell you both men and women get ugly about it.

Finally, yes you must bring something into the relationship. It is called being evenly yoked. I am not talking about you have a house, I have a house or you have a couple of degrees and so do I. It is much much deeper than that. It is a desire to be together a comittment to want to be better, to be greeter that what you are and what to share that with someone else for a lifetime. It is to have humility when you want to be the most boastful; it is to have a vision and want to support someone else's at the same time. It involves maintaining your wits when all about you are losing theirs.

You go hard or not at all. It is never 50/50 in a relationship..... it is 100/100. Like you I am so pleased to know I have someone that fits all of these "criteria" however, it would not matter to me if she was asian, white, or hispanic; I would love her dirty draws. And yes, we are most certainly sexually compatible. As you would say; it would not work for me.

In the final analysis of this comment, I don't think we disagree at all. We may have just said it differently.

Rameer said...

D - while most people are misplaced in concentrating of what race is dating what other race, I do understand why it comes up...subconsciously, it's about survival of the breed/race/species. I'm not saying what's wrong, right or whatever, just saying I understand some of the thoughts by certain people on the subject...

But as you say, that's such a deep topic and a blog for another day.

Brooke said...

Yeah, I might need a guest blogger on that one...not sure I can do it justice :)

Where are all the single ladies? :)

Annamaria said...

I think all the single ladies are scuuurrreeeedddd...LMAO

I gotta admit it's refreshing to have this convo with good guys who know their worth. Hopefully they have women who know what they have OR find these women soon.
DMurray thanks for clarifying. I do agree we think the same just said it differently.

I do agree the "nice guys" or the "nerdy" ones get passed up for a thug for excitement until he's beating your ass at 2am (RIHANNA..LOL)
BUT I must say I never saw a man as sexy as Clark Kent..LMAO NOT SUPERMAN CLARK KENT!!! lol
I like to have a conversation with a man & be able to talk about different things. I like for him to be able to teach me things I don't know about at the same time as I am teaching him things he doesn't know about.. I do think women are pickier than men. I think men just try to be themselves for a woman but I have seen a lot of women play games with good men & ruin relationships.

Rameer said...

This is gonna sound like bullcrap, but it isn't...

I've RARELY known a woman to be as honest as you just were in your last paragraph about the subject. Bravo!

Latinegro said...

I wont lie though. I was so bitter with women for a long time! You get tired of being the friend women can go to when their man has messed up.

But, I got over that(clearly). I kinda laugh when women say that there are no good men out there. I think that they are not looking in the right places or their version of "mr.right" is askew.

Rameer said...

Ant -there was a cat on campus - I won't say his name - who was "Mr. Nice Guy" his entire freshman year and it got him SQUADOOSH.

Every girl he went at put him in the friend box or told him they "didn't see him that way". Meanwhile, they all agreed his was handsome, smart, would make someone an excellent boyfriend, etc.

I remember a group of us chilling, and some of the cats start ribbing on him about getting no play. Then, the final straw - one of the cats starts talking about how while he was chasing after this one "good girl", he was having her come over to his room on THE REG and going "HULK SMASH!!" all over the nooni! I remember thinking "oh no...that was WRONG."

Dude just got up and walked away.

Within a week, he was a SCOURGE. It was like a completely new dude when it came to women, and he was even a bit meaner around dudes too. He started cursing more, dressing WAY more "hood" (he was a polo kid) and just basically didn't give a F.

Within a month's time, he had gone through 3 girls. Sad, but true. He never turned back.

I say that cuz I remember talking to him as a senior and him telling me that that convo made him so bitter that he just doesn't care about "these chicks" any more. While most guys don't have THAT extreme of a reaction, it was pretty sad to see him get no attention when he was being how he was raised to be and then when he emulated other cats on-campus, he suddenly became a catch. Meanwhile, he was essentially a cheat and a player...and certain girls liked him MORE??

FAIL.

I try to tell my young girls not be THAT type of woman.

Annamaria said...

Rameer: thanks I try to be straight up.

It's a shame that a guy has to change & become an ASSHOLE for a woman to take notice & wanna get with him. I mean I've been guilty of this behavior in my past BUT thank god I've learned from my mistakes. IT MAKES ME CRINGE WHEN I HEAR WOMEN SAY THERE ARE NO GOOD MEN OUT THERE. I'm like yes there are you just AIN'T LOOKING FOR THEM..
THE SAME WAY I hate when a man has a GREAT women & takes it for granted. One of my boyfriends closest friends is engaged to a WONDERFUL woman. She is smart, talented, beautiful & hardworking. She's had his back throughout there whole relationship & I can say he has become a more motivated person thanks to her. WHY is dude out there trying to talk to just any old random chick & trying to be a pimp??? BUT guaranteed the day she wakes up & says f this he'll be full of regrets

Rameer said...

Annamaria - I think I subconsciously think that women are (or should be) smarter than men, so I get more upset with women doing this than men.

I write the men that act that way off as being typically stupid dudes. But I always think women SHOULD see the light...maybe my own bias growing up in a family of women.

I also think that women are, on average, more in the driver's seat than men at the outset. Basically, y'all determine what y'all will put up with. So I think if y'all have self-confidence, good self-esteem and a great self-image, y'all won't put up with the ne'er-do-wells. Hell, Brooke doesn't!

DMurray said...

At the risk of sounding too biblical (if there is such a thing) .... "he who finds a wife finds a good thing"

That is not to say you should lay in wait for a man. By all means do what you do. But the guys that actually step to you correctly should at least get a second look.

Anna it is refreshing to see you speak to truth. Not all have the courage to do so. Unfortunately it takes some of your female counterparts getting their heads knocked off, mistreated, done dirty, our straight up full serviced like my '96 Cherokee to realize they are in a bad situation.

One thing I am confused about.... is there such a thing as too nice? That eludes to my comment above. How in the world is that possible. You should never take kindness for weakness. One our Presidents said, "walk softly but carry a bit stick." So if I am not putting you in check, you are going to run over me? C'mon..... what you are selling I am not buying. If you want to be controlled date Ike Turner or Chris Brown.....! If you want to be treated like the queens you are all act like one. Exercise compassion, diligence, prudence, wisdom and tact.

That too nice thing is code for; I am not ready for the real deal. I used to keep it moving when I heard garbage like that. When you grow up HOPEFULLY you will find a guy with those intrinsic qualities. They are out there though.......we are.

Rameer said...

WOW...

GAME LOCKDOWN, D. I got nothing more to say after that - you hit the nail on the head! Well done, alum.

The only thing I CAN say...

GO LAKERS!!! Lolz!

Brooke said...

Okay, I'm back...and read all the comments. I agree with everyone for the most part...but what I'm curious about is everyone's definition of "too nice."

I was just on the phone with D, and we were talking about men and women saying "he/she didn't want me cuz I was 'too nice'"...but that may not have really been the reason.

Does too nice mean being "needy?" Or appearing that way? That isn't an attractive quality in men OR women. Do we see "nice" as meaning "pushover"? I think I may need to explore that some more.

And men are guilty of this too. They say there are no good women out there, but they don't want the girl who walks around covered up, who doesn't have sex with them right away, or isn't crazy. I think we even had a conversation about that with "Danger" and why Ray J found her so attractive.

Now I know many men on here (cuz you all seem to have some sense) will say that you'll DATE a "Danger" but won't marry one. I don't think that's always the case. I know alot of great women who are CATCHES who are single, but the crazy b*tches are married or coupled up. Splain me that?

I say all that to say, it goes both ways. I can sit here and play devil's advocate and say that even if all 70 men were good men and all 100 women were good women - we'd still come up short cuz there just aren't enough of you to go around. I don't think women think there are NO good men out there. I just think they feel there aren't enough for all of us.

...that's where the interracial dating blog comes in...

didn't I write about that already? Something New? :)

I'm running out of blog topics... thank God Rameer suggested this one :) LOL

Brooke said...

and you're right Rameer, I don't put up with it...why I'm single now :)

I don't seem to attract nice guys. I happen to love them. I'm staying still til I figure out if I have "asshole" stamped on my forehead :-)

The Cable Guy said...

Brooke, I'm a nice guy, and I'm attracted to you - yet you won't date me...so.... :-)

Seriously tho, women don't know what they want. They say the want a nice guy, but they're not ready for one or can't appreciate him when they get one. It's like you're afraid of the very thing you want, like you don't feel you deserve it.

Brooke said...

I agree with the second part of what you said...for SOME women. Not all...there still are those of us who appreciate a nice guy. I rarely seem to bump into available ones.

As for why I won't date you, don't make me put your business on Front Street :-) You KNOW why I won't date you...MAN!

Annamaria said...

OK here is my take on the "TOO NICE" problem.
Men are sometimes afraid to be "NICE" for fear that they will or have been taken advantage of. OR like we've said they get stuck in the friend zone because they were "NICE".

WOMEN either are tooo busy messing with the thugs OR they take these NICE men & treat them like crap because they are NICE.

PERSONALLY I think there needs to be a balance. I think both men & women should be freaking nice to each other cause if not then what's the point. BUT (and i'm going to sound straight out of 1950 right now) the man also needs to show that he is the MAN of the relationship. He needs to show that he is the head of household etc etc. NOW I know Austin would never ever hit me BUT I know what line not to cross & I also know that he is in charge of certain shit. CONSEQUENTLY us women need to learn how to step back & let dudes BE THE MEN THAT THEY CAN BE. We talk about being with a REAL MAN but we are sooo busy being the woman that we don't allow the dude to be a MAN. THEN WE COMPLAIN. I find that a lot of men can & will step up to the plate & be a real man IF we just gave them half a chance & supported them by being real women!!!

Rameer said...

I disagree, Brooke. I think when many women of color say "too nice", they may have something attached to it, but they DO mean it. Many want a man with "swag"...which is bullcrap. Like someone alluded to - Chris Brown had "swag"...

And you COMPLETELY confuse the Danger thing. I don't know ANY MEN married to a hoe like that. To put it bluntly, no man would even DATE her. We would want to BANG her and keep her as a jump-off for maybe a few weeks. If good women want to compete with THAT, then y'all already lost.

I can't speak for NYC; I don't live there - so if you say the crazy ones are coupled up and married, so be it. But I CAN speak for Maryland, Virgina, Southern Ontario, ATL, Florida, many parts of NY state, New Jersey and Chi-town - all places I either visit a lot or know enough people to get a pretty good idea of the scene there.

Personally - and I could be wrong - I think many times you put the way you and your circle look at things as reality, when you don't realize you and your circle are unique. I KNOW me and my crew are not typical in our thoughts and actions, so I don't always put our distinct experiences on to a situation. Otherwise, we couldn't relate to or see anything correctly! Lolz!

Like I said - I COULD be wrong...

I agree with most of the men. There are PLENTY of good guys. I meet and know them all the time. And many can't get the time of day from good women. And that's accentuated in our (read: Black/Latino) communities, but is true across racial lines.

I can run down a list of how many good single male SU alums there are and probably come up with 150 of the top of the head. Most of those guys live in NYC. Hell, Ant is a good male alum!

Why are these guys single, hmmmm??? Oh, there are just as many single female SU alums (more, actually) - but if I had to take my own personal survey, I can say whole-heartedly the men just won't settle for crap and haven't found the right woman to be with, and the women, though in the same boat, have passed up way more chances to give guys a chance and see where it goes.

I have these convos all the time. Actually just had one with a female alum about why she wouldn't give this male alum a chance...while her reasoning felt correct to her, I told her "that's caca. you're single, and you AGREE this guy is a good, attractive guy, and you won't even TRY to see if it'll go somewhere cuz he's 'just a really good friend'? Um...okay."

My 75 cents...you know I always add it.

Rameer said...

I just read Annamaria's comment...BRA-VO!!!

True story!

Annamaria said...

AWWW IT FEELS SOO STRANGE TO BE AGREEING WITH EVERYONE & NOT TASING ANYONE! LMAO but it's nice..lol


This was a great topic Brookey.. Even not using Michelle as the comparison. Just looking at it for what it is. Ultimately everyone wants what is best for themselves & something great. It's just a matter of breaking down walls & barriers & letting what's best in.

DMurray said...

I nominate Rameer as the new Black Mamba... get 'em Dawg... great comment.

Just to Piggyback tho I remember being at SU Otero was my best bud... shout out to the SI crew. We were good looking, funny, charismatic, smart, oh and I forgot.........did I say we were good looking!

Anyway not putting business out there but let's just say we had our share of fun, but serious relationships.......were a bit different for us. When we had our "swag" if you will it was quite interesting. Me, on the track team and Ant doing his thing we were known by our classmates and upperclassmen because our ties to SI.

Let's just say were everyone's friend and no one's enemy; I am sure no one really thought we would become what we are.
.......did I mention we were handsome!

Funny but alot of folks who I did not know or did not really associate myself with knew us. I see that as it comes around full circle. I will not name names, to protect the innocent. Honestly, I am sure some of them became part of the, "I just graduated got it going on now so let me smash tour" shortly after graduation or several CBTs after that.

I would not know about that because I joined the Army shortly after graduation. I am sure someone can shed some light on the situation.

Brooke said...

I didn't confuse the Danger thing, there are men out there who thrive on that type of drama within a relationship just as women do. Like you said that my friends may be unique, maybe your perspective is too when you say you don't know any men who would date or marry a woman like her. I know men personally who are married to a Danger.

And no, we don't compare ourselves to her no more than you compare yourself to Flavor Flav. But just because you don't identify or compare or compete with that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. All of what we're discussing here is a matter of your own personal perspective.

For instance, Annamaria is saying that if you just let the man be the man, he WILL be. I don't know too many women who have a problem with that...none actually. But here comes the bitchassness that you speak of on the blog that you haven't written yet :-) - it's rampant in our community. You know it, I know it. So when you want the man to step up, he doesn't. Then what?

You keep it movin, that's what. Today's blog isn't about that. It's about giving people a chance that you might not otherwise give a second look at based on some irrational standard of perfection - or valuing something that isn't good for you over something that may be.

It's all about perspective. All of you are good dudes, so you say "I KNOW there are good dudes out there" cuz birds of a feather...

DMurray said he thinks it's harder to find good women out there, yet that's all I know. But here's the thing...good dudes aren't trying to date good dudes, and good women aren't trying to date good women - so our perspective is off. The good women and good guys just seem to need to be able to identify each other.

And yes, Ant is definitely a good dude. But Ant is also married and said he does't want to get married again. So for the woman who does, where does that leave her?

Keep in mind, there are plenty of good dudes out there who DON'T necessarily want what you want. Being a good guy or a great woman isn't enough - you have to want the same things...and that's something different in and of itself.

Rameer said...

Well I WANT Salma Hayek! Why can't I find a good woman who wants her too??

LMAO!!!

Good points, Ms. Brookes...and I keep tellin' you - that bitcha$$ness blog would be TOO LONG!!! I can barely write short comments!

D - I was an S.I. head too ('93 Til Infinity, baby!) so I know the vibe. I would LIKE to say I had no enemies, but to this day I say F VINCI!!! LMAO - couldn't STAND that kid.

But damn you called it out with the "I just graduated tour" thing! Me and my boy John were JUST COMMENTING on those type of cats...I used to see them sneaking back or hanging around campus cuz I would come back to see my girl at the time...and the CBT thing? WHOA - PREACH!!! I've never even BEEN to one and I've heard the stories!!!

On the personal level, I guess until I find "The One" (I ain't never stressed over that), I guess I'll just deal with the 2, 3, 4 and 5...lolz!

Latinegro said...

D you are funny!

Hey, right now I am steering clear of realtionships deeper than friendships.

Annamaria said...

Brooke is RIGHT ON POINT. Rameer I swear you are my twin brother. I always tell Austin that if I was going to have a lesbian affair it would be with Salma Hayek!!! LMAO

I would like to point out however one thing about Ant not wanting or not being sure he wants to get married again. That does NOT mean that he is necessarily out of the "good dude" category. He just has to keep this upfront attitude & let a sister know that from day 1. I happened to meet a divorced father of 2 who wanted a family & marriage, etc etc despite what he had been thru & he was very upfront about his intentions from day 1. Ant may meet a sister who has no desire to get married yet is just content being with him & this may work for them. It's all about communication & not leading anyone on.

Brooke said...

Oh no doubt, Ant is definitely a good dude and him not wanting a relationship or to get married again doesn't negate that. Not in the least.

Serena W. said...

All my single ladies, all my single ladies (Beyonce music in the background)! One single sista chiming in (I know alllll late and stuff). My job was straight bugging today! Then the damn investment property decided that the heater was going out today! Geez!(3 weeks left at the gig by the way)...

Anyway I read the article yesterday on Rameer's page and reposted it on mine because I agreed with certain parts. A lot of us women are too picky for the wrong reasons. I used to be one of them. I had a list of criteria...one being that he had to be at least...at least 5'10" since that is my height. As I've gotten older I realized that there is a lot more to focus on then the mans height...so what if he's 5'8" :)

An elder told me once sometimes when you look to hard you find the wrong damn thing. He may look like a Morris Chestnut or whatever floats your boat but be as crazy as Hannibal Lecter lol. And she was right.

Now I agree what was said earlier about balance and the 100/100. You have to be complete to be happy with yourself first and foremost before you even get with someone else. There needs to be balance. Spiritually you need to be right too, this is big for me.

Ant, DMurray (who has a fly fiancee who is a dynamic diva by the way :), Rameer...I agree with the nice guys finish last. Make love to my mind, soul, connect to my spirit then...we can get physical. I learned later in life to look at those "nice guys." I had a friend the other week who is early 20's say, "Oh I couldn't mess with him girl, he's too nerdy, not a good look."

My other friend (older said) yeah wait till he turns 30 and he's cute, witty and has a great vibe to him! And guess who got his digits and is having a good time because she saw his inner qualities and tendencies...yep the older one.

I can go on and on...as a single woman a man needs to have balance, bring the 100% to the table and don't be afraid.

Some brothers are afraid too and need to drop the fear, be consistent and build up confidence...you have a great and I mean great convo with them and they fall off. They chime in again...then fall off. (Struggling with this now). Not realizing that I see him as a diamond in the rough because of the great convo, his intellegience, genuine spirit, etc. So what he's shorter, working for himself, etc. I dig that and look up to anyone who can hold their own working for themselves!

Annamaria us single sistas can take a lesson from you...I'm so happy you are happy!

So anyway that is my 15 cents all late and stuff. :)

Brooke said...

Hey, better late than never! Glad you got your 15 cents in!

Serena W. said...

You are very welcome Brooke :) hopefully I can jump on tomorrow at a time when everyone else is on lol.

chanaiah said...

Brooke, I totally agree. When you're young, you aren't necessarily focusing on the most important things (character, morals, etc.) If he was fine and physically satisfying, he was a keeper. With age comes wisdom. Your list of must haves change or should. I can relate to what you said about "growing" attracted to someone. As I've matured, I find myself being attracted to men I normally wouldn't find appealing. That's because I'm now more attracted to the character of the person rather than the outward physical appearances. I'll take that corny, nerdy guy who shows up on time, calls when he says, chilvarous, respectful, has strong family values before I will the superfine GQ guy who possesses none of the aforementioned. I actually find corny to be a little appealing now a days.

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