Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Booty-Call Etiquette

Happy Hump Day!

Okay, I know what you’re thinking – Brooke is on some freak stuff this week. But I had to write this one. Last night I was EXHAUSTED after my boxing class - so much so that I couldn’t even wrap my brain around what to write about today. At 11pm, I could barely keep my eyes open – and normally I’m a night owl. I took a quick shower, didn’t even bother to dry off, and was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

2:30am

“buzzzz”

I must be dreaming, because I KNOW that ain’t MY phone ringing and vibrating at 2:30 in the morning.

2:32 am

Second attempt.

“buzzzz”

Wait, my phone IS ringing. I turn to look at the display on my phone.

“Wow...he’s buggin.” I roll over and turn my pillow to the cool side and try to go back to sleep.

2:34 am

THIRD attempt.

“buzzzzz”

My phone is Hammer dancing across my nightstand. I ignore it.

2:36 am

FOURTH F*CKING ATTEMPT!

I start to pick it up so I can promptly give the cuss out – but I’m too tired and angry and will probably say something crazy in my hazy state.

Finally, he gets the hint.

Now, I hope he wasn’t lying in a ditch somewhere, or involved in some other emergency. But he didn’t leave a message calling for help, so I just assumed he was drunk dialing me. At least I hope that’s the reason. I’ll get to the bottom of that today.

But this morning I was thinking about it. Was that a bootycall? I sure hope not. He’s never called me that late before and we’re not even LIKE THAT, so what made him think he could call me at that hour? If it WAS a bootycall, he called WAY too late. Then he called WAY too many times (read: thirsty) and went about the whole thing wrong. That’s when it hit me...he had no “booty call etiquette.” Again, it may not have been a bootycall, not being presumptuous - but if it WAS...here are the rules.

1. Call someone you know is DOWN with a booty call. Clearly this dude misread me...and if you’re not sure...

2. Then don’t call so freakin late! 2:30am?? Are you serious? On a Tuesday? Okay, I know I may be taking the spontaneity out of it, but come on y’all...I have a job. Call at least early enough to feel the person out if this is a first time thing. If they’re not biting, then move on. Midnight is the latest you should call during the week – you can get into the wee hours of the morning on the weekend.

3. Also, while calling someone you know is down with booty calls, make sure you choose that person wisely. No psychos, weirdos, freaks or people with stalker tendencies. They could be waiting outside your place when you get home from your REAL date. Personality counts when choosing partners of convenience.

4. If he/she lives more than 20 minutes away, forget it. Otherwise, you run the risk of losing interest by the time they finally show up...or falling back to sleep.

5. No talking. Don’t suddenly show your sparkling personality while laying in the bed. Don’t ask about their day, talk religion or politics, about who was on The View that day or any other conversation. If they keep talking, pretend like you’re asleep – snore if you have to.

6. Don’t stress to impress. I don’t think your booty call should be the best sex you’ve ever had (I think a lot of people make that mistake). Save it for someone you REALLY care about. Don’t pull out all your tricks unless you’re practicing for when you meet someone you actually DO want to impress :-) At least this way you won’t care if they laugh at you if you fall off the bed trying to execute some new position and lose your balance. It’s already late and you’re tired, so chances are it’s simply the last thing you do before you knock out anyway.

7. Save your money. Ladies: D*ck is free. Period. If you pay for it in ANY kind of way, like Chris Rock said, “it’s a BAAAAD investment.” Men: There should be no need to wine and dine her...she knows what it is. No dinner and a movie, but if you called after 11pm, chances are it’s too late for all that stuff anyway. Eat before you get here.

8. Know when to take your ass home. No need for sleepovers, cuddling, and damn sure no breakfast. If you DO sleepover, it better be because you’re exhausted, too drunk to drive, or it’s a torrential rain/freezing-ass blizzard outside. Otherwise, scram, beat it...(you know I have to say it...) KICK ROCKS!

9. Keep your list small. If you have more than two or three bootycalls, you might have some kind of problem/addiction – some sort of freaky, sexual pattern, promiscuity...and maybe an STD. Be careful.

10. Don’t abuse your booty call privileges. Late night phone calls are okay, but either party has the right to refuse without explanation or guilt. Booty calls are temporary fixes, so they shouldn’t occur more than once or twice every 2 weeks to a month. If it does, you run the risk of making your bootycall turn into a real relationship. And if your bootycall goes out and gets a REAL boyfriend or girlfriend and can’t be your bootycall anymore, then wish them well and get over it. Gimme a call when y’all break up :-)

Okay, I’m done...now I gotta get to work since I had to write this crap this morning! :-)

Go!

-b

35 comments:

momo925 said...

FIRST B*TCHES!!! AHAHHAHA

-V- said...

What about Booty Texting?

Annamaria said...

MOMO I said you could go first LAST WEEK!!! I didn't give you permission for today!!! lol

Brooke WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH YOU LATELY!!! LOL

momo925 said...

Yeah I agree...I think your booty call etiquette is pretty on-point Brooke. Do not call someone if you are not sure they are down with it! You must be out of your rabbit a$$ mind calling any time after 11pm ESPECIALLY if you don't have it like that lol.

oh and did you guys see that I was FIRST??!! Just checking lol!! Sorry Anna Maria...don't taze me :-)

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

V I'm with you..the booty text is much less invasive and you can actually booty text several people (Maybe even a group text) first person to respond...you are in the car!!! It's very efficient that way!

Booty IMing is another way...sign into your IM...see who's IM light is still on.

But I agree with Brooke...cut the chit chatter. It's not needed. LOL... but that do most booty calls start with... "You Sleep?"

Brooke said...

Momo is first!!! LOL!!!

Annamaria, you missed out. Oh, and what do you mean what is wrong with me lately? You mean my blog topics? Hey, it was on my mind, sue me...and we all grown right?

My sister told me yesterday that she doesn't read my "sex blogs." I guess it traumatizes her. Mind you, she's the one with the kids - physical proof that she HAS had sex before. She doesn't know for CERTAIN I've had sex before. For all she knows, I could be making all this stuff up or going off hearsay. ;)

(yeah, even I couldn't say that with a straight face.)

So far dude hasn't responded to my "uh...2:30, you good? (read: WTF?)" email asking what that was all about.

Pretty Ricky and V - yes, booty texting is acceptable - and probably preferred. I must be behind with the times! LOL!! And you're right, it usually DOES start with "you up?" :)

Rameer said...

I gotta admit...with the advent of the smart phone, I'm all about the booty text/IM. Way less invasive...and, in the case of someone hitting YOU up, you have the option of completely not responding at all and not offending the party.

People get more pissed when they call and they KNOW you're home and ignoring them. With a text/IM, you could be busy, so they don't ASSUME you are ignoring them (even though you may be).

I was waaaaaaayyyyyy ahead of the curve with the booty text/IM. Utilized it as far back as SU in the mid-90s...when I was rockin' the skypager! If u got "66666666" from me in your pager, the multiple sixes was my code for sex...if I got the sixes back or a phone call back, it was on and poppity!!! LMAO!!!

Yolanda said...

The multiple recipient booty text!
LOL.

Way to be selective with your booty intentions. That's like first come, first served. What happens if you get multiple responses? Does that make it a booty buffet?

THATgirl said...

Personally, I LOVE to sleep.

There really isn't that much sex good enough for me to lose at least an hour of it, particularly on a weeknight, when I have to get up and drive, take a train, and then catch a bus to get to work the next morning. EFF that. If you already aren't in my bed when you call/text me, then you won't be that night. Call me on Friday.

THATgirl said...

Oh yeah--THAT Girl is Lisa D. I just signed in to my gmail instead of putting my name :)

Jay said...

Did you get my call last night? I called you at 2:30, 2:32, 2:34, and 2:36. I wanted you to come help me hang some wallpaper.

Brooke said...

Lisa D! Hey girlie!!! I hear you, I love my sleep too! I was BURNT UP last night cuz I was sleeping GOOD!!! I could see if I knew what the sex was like to even consider it, but damn, I didn't even feel the need to even THINK about it!

Yolanda, you crack me up! A booty buffet?? Exactly...how do you choose? Only Pretty Ricky would send out a group booty text. Just trife.

Rameer, why am I not surprised? But you're right, it's like dude knew I was home and would NOT be denied.

Only thing worse is someone popping up and buzzin you from downstairs. Then you either have to open the door and cuss them out - hide the dude you already have there in the closet - or say he's your cousin - or turn out all the lights and hide in case he gets let in by someone else coming in at the same time.

...not that ANY of that has ever happened to me ;)

Brooke said...

Jay, you're forgetting, I KNOW who was calling me last night...and it wasn't you...

...I would have picked up if it was YOU ;)

Jay said...

(blushing)

D*mn!!!... I knew I should have called!

Yolanda said...

I dunno Lisa... I'd be willing to lose a little sleep for the good-good.

I'll sleep when I'm dead. LMAO!

The Cable Guy said...

Hold up - who the F*CK is calling you at 2:30?? You cheatin on me??

But four attempts, Dude was MAD thirsty!

You must got that GOOD ISH girl!

I'ma just call you "Sunshine." LOL!

Latinegro said...

Brook was tight this morning too. I imed her and i didnt get a "hi". She just went to how some asshole called her at like 2:30am...LOL

Took a few jokes to get a smiley. Damn son...whom ever you are, she is pissed at you!

Nobody mention Booty IMS...cleary they are online when u message them...lol

and yes it does work

Brooke said...

Yolanda, I'd have to KNOW for SURE the mo'betta was worth waking up for - but damn? 2:30? I'm in my third dream by then!

Cable Guy - what I got ain't no knick knack ;)

Ant, you are SO right. Normally I'm all smiles when you IM me (you're so good at making me smile in the morning) but I was heated. Like "can you believe this summa ma b*tch?" LOL!!

But hey, at least it turned into an interesting blog topic. I should forward it to his monkey ass!

Annamaria said...

Yea I guess if I was in your shoes it would have been on my mind too..LOL

MASS BOOTY CALL TEXTS??? I HAD TO LAUGH AT THAT ONE. Along with the booty buffet.

Lisa..You ain't never woken up in the middle of the night for some nookie?? not even for your significant other.. I can always catch a nap later..LOL

Brooke I think you should definitely forward this blog to him soo he knows we all judging him! lol

Annamaria said...

Oh and Brooke don't worry about your sister. I don't think my dad admitted to himself NOR did I admit to him that I was having sex until I got pregnant. And even then I was trying to figure out a way to tell him I got pregnant without having sex.

Latinegro said...

We should chip in and send him a dropped boot call package. We would include:

- A printed copy of this blog with comments
- Hand Lotion
- A clean hand towel
- A music CD that Rameer makes
- A Cable bill
- A Taser
- A "Love myself" poem from Serena
- A copy of my Asshole Blog
- Weed from Craig

Annamaria said...

Great idea Ant.... I will donate the taser & may include a shank just in case he wants to slit his wrists the next time Brooke doesn't pick up the phone!!! LMAO

Rameer said...

LMBAO!!!

The booty Call Package made me spit out a fry! You's A FOOL for that one, Ant!!!

The Fury said...

Ahem add one of my blogs into that package for his personal self gratification!

The booty text is the wave of the present for real. I've received a few of those. Some accompanied by pictures....or did I initiate that and they sent the pics? hmmm...whatever. You gotta love tech.

That call was a bit too thirsty. I actually hope he was having some other issue because damn every two minutes??

I have to disagree with one thing. I put in great performances EVERY time. Shiiiiit, that's what separates a good booty call from a great one. The diff between getting the edge off and getting your mind blown enough you don't HAVE to call back every night.

Brooke said...

Okay Fury, I can see that logic. Some booty calls are so you can get your back cracked...but BLOWN OUT? That's how you get stalkers :)

Damn, now I feel bad...I STILL haven't heard from him...what if he IS in a ditch?

...ah well...

Brooke said...

Ant, you're funny :) booty call packages?? I think you should market that :)

Serena W. said...

Hey everyone! So I haven't read all of the comments but read the package one. Ant you are a hot mess! HOT! Man we can get a website going and a paypal option button for (Add to Cart) so they can order multiples hee hee. I got some love, love poems for real to add to it lol!!!!!

Brooke call that man...for all you know he's stranded on the Jersey turnpike somewhere lol!

Brooke said...

He doesn't have a car Serena, so there goes that theory :)

The Cable Guy said...

If he doesn't have a car, how was he going to get to you?

Brooke said...

I know he was in the city yesterday, quick cab ride :) LOL!

Serena W. said...

Momo I'm so proud of you! You finally made first! lol!

DMoe said...

This is hilarious.

First of all, what dude calls 4 times in succession in 2009?

Hey dumbass, your FIRST call was timestamped and we'll know it was you calling...The phone will show a "missed call" from your azz. Chill out.

Second thing --- 2:30? Are we that cozy that you can raise the dead for us to be smelling like "badussy" by 315am (at the LATEST?) Think about the timeline. It would take at least 20 minutes to get there if somebody agreed. By then, its 3am. Next, you aint in good shape to get your game on, cuz you obviously been out TIL 3AM! and alas, by 315am, that familiar aroma is in the air...

Third, if this is a drunk dial...What fool is buzzin' nicely and keeps hittin send time after time in the bar or at the diner?

Who the hell are you with that is THAT lame that you even have time to dial somebody in rapid succession? If your with your buddies, I need to clown their azzes too for not calling you the "Symp" you are as we wait for our eggs and pancakes.

#4 - The 230am call chick is like the big joker in spades. When the chips are down, and ya'll need a book, you can stick that sucka on your forehead KNOWING that "we got one". Based on Brooke's reaction, why on god's green earth would you even believe you had a shot? LOL.

Its like bringing a grape to a fruit fight....WTF?

I'll stop there. As for the package to be sent to this clown, Please add the words
"ATTN: Hookboogie Foolishness" to the shipping address. I want to make sure there are NO shipping errors.

That's DMoe-speak for dumb, country and about as sharp as a bowling ball.


Dmoe aka Thin Swann

Brooke said...

"hookboogie foolishness" cracks me up every time! LMAO!!

yeah, dude played himself. At least follow the first call with a text...see if I respond to that. But you're not gonna MAKE me answer the phone by keep calling. All that's gonna do is piss me off more.

And the kicker is I WORK with this dude. I'll have to see you again at some point...why do that to yourself?

The Cable Guy said...

Hold up. You WORK with dude?

This just keeps getting better and better :)

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