Tuesday, June 2, 2009

"Paying Bills"

Happy TMI Tuesday!

So, you know what it is...let's get started.

Since some of you are a bit shy on TMI Tuesday, let me start off by asking a question: Are you a selfish lover?

Personally, I can say I'm not. I LOVE pleasing my partner. And I try to do it just as enthusiastically the 100th time as I did the very first time we had sex....assuming there is a 100th time ;-) Seeing, feeling, experiencing my partner being pleased is my enjoyment. I'll do just about anything possible to make sure my man is taken care of.

Someone I know refers to making sure your partner is satisfied as "paying the bills." This someone was good at it too...the electric bill, gas bill, cable bill, rent, car note - you name it! I'm multi-orgasmic, so to me that was.....wait...hold on...

Whew! Flashbacks....sorry.

**fanning myself***

anyway...

But occasionally we all become "that lover." I do, he does, we all do. You know - "that lover" that sits back and just allows him or herself to be pleased. I got you this time, you get me next time. It's okay to be a little selfish sometimes.

But when being erotically egocentric isn’t the exception to the rule, having a selfish lover can be a bit of a problem. Is he like Bernie Mac?



Three minutes? I know they say, "to give is to receive," - I get that. But supporting a partner's selfish habit gets really old really fast.

Now, if I'm making him feel THAT good, it’s hard for me to fault my man for being self-consumed during sex. After all, it’s a bit of a compliment — a sign that he must be having a really good time, I just feel that good and I'm handling my bidness ;)

It’s sweet...until you realize that you’re the one always left hanging. Can I get some help here?

Selfishness happens. But when it’s a habit, how do you handle a selfish lover?

I think people can be selfish lovers for different reasons. So dealing with this intimacy killer is going to come down to the type of situation you’re fielding ...

Scenario: Your lover doesn’t know how to give good sex.

Some people just don’t know how to have good sex - or at least not with you. Sexually ignorant, they think it’s ok to focus on the themselves. In this case, a "show and tell," with explicit explanations, is in order. Maybe while your partner watches, you can pleasure yourself. For women, I don't think it'll be hard to make him pay attention - men being visual creatures and all. Eventually they'll want to take over, so just take their hands and place them over yours at first and then let go and let them continue. Personally, I love taking a man's hand in mine and guiding him, or even following him if he knows what he's doing - it's sexy as hell to do it together.

Men, you can do the same thing although I'm not quite sure how you show her what you like on yourself. I'll let Fury or one of my other male commenters chime in on that one.

Scenario: Your partner won’t reciprocate.

Your lover gladly accepts oral sex, but return the favor? — no way. How should you respond? The next time your lover makes a request, respond with, "Okay, but me first!" If you don’t get what you want, go on strike.

Okay, I kid...well...not really...but I kid...(not really)

Find out why he (or she) won't.

Is it because she thinks it's uncleanly or nasty? Is it because he's not sure how to do it? He doesn't like it down there? If you find out the reasons why your partner won't reciprocate, then that may help determine their selfishness, and you can work through it.

For example, if he thinks it's not "clean", then make sure your sh*t is right. Take a nice, long, hot bath together (or shower if you don't have time) and wash each other. You'll be relaxed, smelling all fresh and fruity :-) If she thinks it's nasty, then find some chocolate syrup, honey, whipped cream, whatever it is she likes and make her a sundae. This way it's like dessert instead of fighting a gag reflex. Just don't get too excited and "help" her by grabbing the back of her head...baby steps.

Scenario: Your lover can’t wait to get to home plate.

Caught up in the excitement of a pending orgasm, it can be all too easy to focus on the destination, forgetting about the ride. This goal-oriented lover needs to learn the importance of foreplay in building both sexual response and intimacy. You can start the process by being a tease, making your partner wait for the next pitch. For example - slow down, stop, and then ask for a sensual massage. Don't wait til his toes are already curled up though...cuz it's too late :-)

If your lover doesn’t respect your needs, and continues to rush, bolster your efforts by stressing that togetherness makes for the grand slam. Yes, it can be fun to hit a solo home run, but it's even more satisfying when there are others on base.

Scenario: Your partner could care less about pleasing you.

I saved the diciest for last, since working through this one requires the most work. If you’re involved with someone who isn’t into mutual pleasuring, then tell him to kick rocks - there’s a lot more fun to be had in grabbing your favorite "devices" and Duracell's and hanging a "Do Not Disturb" sign on your bedroom door. If the energy you’re putting out is depreciating in returns, save it for yourself. BOB never disappoints.

As for a man with a selfish partner, chances are he'll find someone else who'll do what you won't. Sorry ladies, just putting that out there.

It's easy to get spoiled if sex is a one way street and you're the beneficiary. If you have a spoiled partner, he or she will stay that way unless you speak up - otherwise it's your fault too. In having such a discussion, make the point that you feel that your partner isn’t engaged with you. Don’t come at it in an accusatory way saying, for example, "You’re only out for self during sex - you selfish bastard!" Your partner will feel under attack and likely shut down.

Instead, strive for a better response by sharing your emotions - "I feel like we’re not connecting when we have sex. I feel that my pleasure seems secondary."

A partner can't be expected to continually make sacrifices for the other. Acknowledge that you can understand that your lover gets incredibly excited by your abilities — after all, you know you puts it down! But outline the terms of your equal erotic rights campaign, stating your needs specifically.

If your partner seems unsympathetic, bring out the big guns. Nothing gets a lover listening more than, "I think I'ma call Tyrone."

Okay, don't do that...you might get choked out.

Most women would prefer their man to getting their "buzz" on, so make sure you let him know that nothing or no one can please you like he can. Men, tell your woman the same thing. Everyone wants to feel wanted and simply letting your partner know that they're desired is usually all you have to do to get the attention you’re after. Most people aren't THAT selfish that they wouldn't take such matters very personally - so knowing your performance is substandard may be all the motivation needed.

In any of these cases, as you retrain your partner, you want to reward good deeds. (Note: "ooo’s," "ahhhh’s" and "sexy gasps" are quite effective :-) Other erotic awards should be based on what your lover enjoys, such as a nice rubdown during afterplay. Once selfish lovers realize that a pleasure shared is doubled, they’re likely to see that as the biggest prize.

-b

45 comments:

DMoe said...

first!!!

AH :o) said...

DARN! I was trying to be first.....*where's Anna Marie? Tase that one...right there* LOL!

Well, I didn't want to say anything (even though I'm thinking a WHOLE LOTS OF THINGS TO SAY!). :o)

Serena W. said...

Oooooooooh! Annamaria is going to get you DMoe!

This is a good blog Brooke. Selfishness is rampant as well as, "I'll give it to her/him good and when I get her/him (eg a relationship) then I'll chill."

What the...you need to do to me and for me what you did to get me. As I would do for you! If anything with time it should get better and explore various places...positions, etc. Not chill out because, "I got her/him!"

Sorry...got a little heated there for a second. (Calming down now)...okay.

Anyway I saw it as a problem and noticed him slacking off, being a tad bit selfish and he openly admitted. "I did those things because I was trying to get you and didn't see you as often...now that we live together we can chill."

Ahem...if you don't want a sister and for the men...a brother wandering off to someone who will give it to them just as they did the 1st time as Brooke exclaimed then handle your business and stop being so dag on selfish.

My two cents...off to a meeting lol!

Brooke said...

Wait a minute April, you can't want to be first and then have no comment. Same for you DMoe! Can't just try to be first without discussing the topic at hand!

Spill it April!

Annamaria said...

I'm tasing the hell out of EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Brooke said...

uh oh, watch out...pregnant woman with a taser :)

DMoe said...

Listen ladies...

That "first" thing is serious business. In a Kentucky Derby kinda way, it takes focus...You know what i'm talking about...Logging in, making sure you spell that stupid word "PHRYLIS" right in that box, and then typing the triumphant "first"...

Ahh, the sweet smell of victory...

Now, on to my take on this one. Excellent, thought provoking commentary. But honestly, I just don't get people sometimes. I thought most of us resided in a universe where the beauty of things was your partner's enjoyment. The concept of "getting yours" is just so "lame" in its simplicity....But, what about "getting off" on being "gotten off of..." Now that takes skill and concentration.

Every time out of the gate should be like an audition for Idol. Your partner is the crabby-to-the-point Brit, the "all-over-the-place-former-Pop Star", and the producer-type with just too much "Arsenio" woven into his vocab...all rolled into one being.

Basically, while you won't overthink the possibilities of pleasing these judges, you just gotta zone in on being ALL things to your mate, and enjoy your time on stage.

Let's kick the ballistics...Men don't do certain "downtown" things because they love the taste, --- lol. (Had to stop and laugh)

They do it because of the subsequent gratification, the physical responses, and those "gasps" Brookey spoke of earlier.

There are some exceptions, but generally speaking, this is the essential payoff. But then, something happens where people lose sight of the next phase...the part where the process should be carried out like its your last...

I could go on, but i think ya'll get it...I dig the blog and thanks for allowing me onboard.

Sincerely,
DMoe aka Jules

"How will I know which wallet is yours?"

"Its the one that says "bad mutha-f***a on it..."

Latinegro said...

Damn Latinas... I wonder if Anamaria got her doorknocker earrings on...lol

I am typically not a selfish lover. I have been before. Depends on my mood and who I am with.

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Nice blog brooke! I think I'm lucky cuz I get off...when I see my mate get off! I LOVE IT! As Capone said... i eat coochie till I burp. I eat coochie like I need it to get all my daily vitamins.

Anyway, I've had selfish lovers. (I've never had one that was selfish all the time.) But what I can't stand is once they get there's... they are in a rush for you to get yours. Dats some bullshit. Once they get theirs... they are looking at you like hurry up motha F***** so I can go to sleep. I guess another topic you can talk about one day Brooke.. is how long is too long. I love the ling sessions... 45 min to an hour at least. But not everyone si there with me.

Other TMI... I am sooo mad in some of the pictures from the Soul Siesta I look 6 months pregnant!

Started the lemonade diet yesterday complete with the see salt flush. Needless to say... don't nobody go in the bathroom for 35 to 45 minutes!!!

I gotta lose 57.2 pounds by next Soul Siesta! Y'all gotta keep me honest.

Already lost 4... but the first 15 are always easy!

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

I hate to put this comment on here cuz some of you know who I am and know my girlfriend... but dam it's tasty! you can taste the soft hints of honey, pineapple, and caramel. Dmoe... if I tossed it up in the air... LMAO

Brooke said...

it would turn into Sunshine! I see you Pretty Ricky!

Brooke said...

And how long is too long? If I'm numb and can't feel the little tingles anymore, that's too long.

If I'm raw from latex friction, that's too long.

If my jaw locks up...that's...wait, huh?

;)

The Cable Guy said...

Brooke...who's paying bills over there? Is that why you can't get with me, someone else is "paying your bills?" It ain't them Latinos is it? I'm hatin!

You don't need any toys baby girl, I'm not selfish ;)

DMoe said...

Yo Rick...Hold up.

Honey, pineapple and caramel?

Good grief...I keep picturing a luau with torches, grass skirts and 3 musketeers bars for everybody.

Enjoy it brother...And by the way, if you got any ideas for bottling this and making some REAL cash in this capitalistic society....We could make a KILLING!

Annamaria said...

Ant: I got my doorknockers on, my hair is in a bun, vaseline on my face! LMAO and belly out! LMAO

I HATE selfish lovers & I aim to please soooooooo I obviously am not one. Even before we get started I'm trying to get things started.

Latinegro said...

Ok...I will take the bait.

Yes you should hate. Her Latinos pay the bills..and sometimes put down payments for larger items. You didn't know that Brooke has a layaway program?

Verizon Fios is looking better everyday. Maybe we can pay that bill too...

Brooke said...

That's how your ass got knocked up in the first place, you little devil :)

What exactly are y'all bottling up DMoe? Rick?

Gina's gonna get you Ricky!

Uh oh, Ant and Cable Guy, play nice :)

Latinegro said...

AM - Where is the rosario??? Back Pocket??? I know you got the blade your mouth too. I know how you roll!

Brooke said...

Wait...layaway plan? LOL!! What you tryna say Ant???

Yeah, I wouldn't mess with Annamaria today...or any other day.

The Cable Guy said...

If a dude needs layaway, he's wack.
Don't you think Brooke is worth more than "layaway." Is that how you Latinos get down? hmmm....

I bet Brooke got some sunshine up in there...with her sexy ass. I could pay her bills all day er' day.

Latinegro said...

Latinos are doing something right. You not getting any sunshine, shit you not even getting a moon...lol

Brooke said...

LOL!! Y'all are killing me...PLAY NICE!!!

Let's focus shall we? :)

The Cable Guy said...

And you ARE getting sunshine? Is that what you saying Latinegro? Go ahead, tell me you've had some of Brooke's sunshine and I'll be quiet and bow down - cuz otherwise....

"moon"?

you's a wild boy.

Latinegro said...

If I was getting sunshine, I wouldnt tell you because that is not your business and it would be selfish of me (bring it back to topic...wink).

I also would not blast it a blog comment page because that is rude. It would be like me begging to get with her in front of everyone to read and asking for reference from her friends...

The Cable Guy said...

I take that as a no.

Latinegro said...

I forgot. You are insecure, my bad.

momo925 said...

Cable guy & Ant! YOU GUYS ARE HILARIOUS! I'll keep reading just to see who has the last laugh lol.

Brooke said...

I know right...how did it get to this??

How about everyone just pay their own bills? :)

The Cable Guy said...

Insecure...says the dude who falls for my bait every time. :)

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

ratio of men to women, probably 3 to 1. Two dudes bickering on blog and not focusing on the ladies... increases my odds 9 to 1. I LOVE IT!!!!

Dmoe...if I could figure out how to bottle it... as the stuttering boxer from Harlem Nights said... "Y Y Y y y Y Y Youuu finnin ready to be...ah ah ah ah ah rich nigga."

Brooke said...

LMAO!!!

Rameer said...

"How you Latinos get down"??

Um...there's more than one Latino on here, thanks. Let's not get into a Black vs. Latino thing, or different ethnicities thing...

Back on topic...good blog, Brooke! Although, reading your blogs in recent weeks, I'm thinking you may want to try your hand at being a sex therapist...

You and I discussed communication being the key to good sex in the past...so you're right on with this one.

I don't know about the whole eating coochie 'til I burp/daily vitamins thing. But then again, I don't have a long-term girlfriend I'm involved with, so maybe my tune would be different if I did...

Annamaria is SEXY when she gets all revved up...lolz!

Brooke said...

Rameer, I agree. If your partner is selfish and you don't communicate that to him/her, then you're part to blame.

Not sure I could be a great sex therapist tho...would you take sex advice from someone who wasn't getting any? :) LOL!!

Rameer said...

That's MOST therapists! They ALWAYS give advice on things that they themselves don't have right in their lives - so you would fit right in! Lolz!

And you COULD be getting whatever you need - from men AND women, apparently!

I'm not so close to NYC...

But ANT is... ;-)

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

Brooke... look man.... you could get you some if you wanted some so stop saying that. You just particular with it... as you should be. I know some dudes would have given you some no doubt on the trip if that's what it was all about. (i.e. dude who said he thought you was 25.) LMAO

Brooke said...

Don't be tryna pass me off to Ant cuz you don't want me :)

And he's only what, and hour closer? You're in Buffalo and he's in Syracuse...neither of you are that close :)

Thus my stock in Energizer :)

Actually, not really...toy still broke :) Still TMI Tuesday right?

Brooke said...

Pretty Ricky, please don't wish that stalker on me...you saw him. That whole "thought you was 25" was a bunch of crap! LOL!!

That's not what that trip was about, and you're right...I'm very particular. I'm glad I am, cuz apparently y'all be tryna put business on blast on the blog! Good thing Ant nor Cable Guy ever had any of my sunshine...y'all would be talking about me! LOL!!

Rameer said...

Syracuse is 2 hours away from me...Ant is in CENTRAL NY, I'm in WESTERN. Big diff.

And believe me, I ain't tryin' to pass you off AT ALL...but if I can't have it, I'd rather my homie smash it...lolz!

And if I was there, you wouldn't want a brotha...with all types of homies, women and cable boys runnin' around...

And I would NEVER put your business out there. I just saw a fellow alum a week ago and he figured out 2 chciks I messed with in school and was like "WHOA...damn, you really WERE the silent assassin...I would've NEVER connected you with those two!"

That's the point. Lolz!

Brooke said...

"homie smash it" ??

Nice. Thanks.

Rameer said...

Oh knock it off! It's a play on the "smash the homies" joke! don't you be GETTIN' all sensitive on my jokey-jokes!

Annamaria said...

ANT: the rosario is put away for after the crime has been commited. I take that to confession. LMAO AND the razor blade is under my tongue like it's supposed to be! LMAO

Rameer: tank you.. I may not shank you today! lol

Ummm I gotta agree lets not make this a latino black thing cause I am puerto rican & my baby daddy is black & then I'm just going to feel bad when I have to shank anyone! LMAO

Brooke: yes pleasing my man unselfishly is what got me knocked up. BUT I can say thank god being knocked up hasn't stopped me from pleasing my man!!! HOLLA! lol

Brooke said...

awww shucks Annamaria, skerred of you!! That's great! I know Austin is grinning from ear to ear on a daily basis :)

Rameer, I know :)

Serena W. said...

Brooke...get a new one already! LOL!

Nip the black vs. latino thing in the bud fellas!

Annamaria don't hurt nobody lol!

Pretty Ricky you can do it! You be slim, trim and also...(oooops sorry about to bust a rap).

Brooke said...

I'm gonna have a booty parlor party and get new ones for free! LOL!!

yeah, all this black/latino stuff is crazy...I think it's cuz Ant told everyone I love Latinos :)

Serena spittin rhymes now :)

Serena W. said...

A Booty Parlor Party! Wow! I love it!!!!!

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