Hillary for President!
8 years ago
Monday, June 22, 2009
Happy Monday!
So, it's 11:30pm Sunday night and I have no idea what to write about. Laptop casting light into my face, I hear a "ping." My AIM pops up and a friend asks me if I'm asleep. I tell him no, we chat a bit. Then I ask him to give me a blog topic.
"Break-up sex," he types.
hmmm...interesting.
"What about it?" I respond.
"Do you go for it, or leave it alone?"
Good question.
I've had break-up sex before. I was seeing this guy off and on for 3 years back in my early 20's. This man was 10 years older than I am, divorced with 2 kids. His son lived with him and his daughter lived down I-95 two hours away. He was a great guy, a wonderful, dedicated father and we got along famously. We never fought, always had a great time, there was no baby-mama drama, and eventually his kids fell in love with me (took the lil girl FOREVER - but one night of allowing her to put my hair in a million plaits and she was all mine!)
Anyway, one night while cuddled up watching a movie, he said to me, "you're going to leave me one day." I was somewhat stunned by what he said and wondered where all this was coming from.
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because I don't want to get married again and I don't want any more children," was his response.
"So...???" I said as if his answer was silly.
"So...you do...you will...one day," he said sadly.
"How do you know?" My defenses were up.
"I know you better than you know yourself."
okay dude, whatever.
My 20-something year old pride wouldn't allow me to admit that he might be right. After all, I was working at a hot radio station and at the WB (when it WAS the WB - not the CW). My career was taking shape, I was going out every night, going to clubs, concerts, NYC to visit my girlfriends. I was having a blast, and marriage and kids were the furthest thing from my mind. But this 30-something year old man who had lived way more than I had by then was telling ME what I wanted...and I resented him for it. So...we broke up.
Fast forward 6 months. We run into each other at a supermarket and sparks fly. He tells me that he misses me and that he wants us to get back together again for as long as we can be. I ask what that means. He says, "til you get tired of being with a man who doesn't want any more kids."
I respond smugly, "oh right, I remember, that and not getting married again."
He then tells me that he wouldn't mind getting married again, but didn't see the need to since he thinks people should only get married if they have kids. Since he knew he didn't want any more, marriage wasn't necessary, but he'd do it.
Because I missed him, we got back together.
One blissful year later, while allowing his daughter to put my hair in a million plaits while he was making dinner in the kitchen, she tells me that she made something for me. I ask her what it was and she told me to go into the kitchen to see. I get up looking all kinds of "Pippy Long Stocking" crazy and she leads me by the hand to the refrigerator. Taped to it is a drawing of her, her father, and me - with the words written out, "I *heart* Brooke."
In that moment, I was speechless. I was flattered. And then I felt tremendous responsibility. This little girl loved me, and wanted me to be a part of their family. She had even told her mother about me. And then I wondered, "would this be enough?"
It wouldn't be. Being around his amazing children made me realize I MIGHT want an amazing child of my own one day. I was in love with the type of father he was, but he was done. He didn't want any more. And even though I didn't want any at that particular time...at my young age, I didn't want the option taken away from me. As much as I loved him and his children, a day later we had "the talk."
We had break-up sex.
Why? Because we loved each other. We knew we'd never be together again, nor would we probably be with someone else sexually again for a little while after we mourned our relationship. And I have no regrets.
People break up for a host of reasons, so saying that break-up sex is good or bad depends on the situation. I doubt you'd want to have break-up sex with someone who cheated on you, or who was abusive to you, and that's the reason why you both broke up. But if you break up with someone because you truly love each other but want different things, or because it's a long distance relationship and it's too hard, or because the timing is all wrong - then break-up sex can and most likely will happen. Break-up sex releases you from expectations, frees you, can be very intense and gives you one last, passionate memory to share.
That being said, generally speaking I'd say stay away from break-up sex. As Martin said, "if that sh*t is supposed to be over then let it be over!" It can be the biggest mistake you make in a break-up.
Break-up sex can cause you to backslide, so make sure if you go there, you BOTH really ARE breaking up...and not really MAKING UP. It's tricky. When love is involved, emotions can get in the way of the actual break-up and make you think that there's hope in the relationship when there really isn't - and just drag it out.
I think men are better at break-up sex that women are. It's familiar. It's easy. But women tend to get confused - and when feelings get involved, it can cause more hurt feelings than anything else.
And break-up sex can easily be confused with "pity-sex" - depending on if the person feels bad for breaking your heart in a million itty bitty pieces and has sex with you so you won't feel bad. Either way, I'm not sure if any of it is worth it.
In my case, by saying good-bye to that relationship, we shared one last, special night that I will never forget. In our final moments, I remember thinking, "wow, we should break up more often." :-)
But that's just it - if we had broken up with break-up sex more often, we'd still be together...still trying to figure out how to break up.
-b
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26 comments:
First!!!! Lol!
Yes I know Annamaria...tase me and I'll get shanked too lol. I'm just getting in from roller skating (yeah that's right roll bounce out this camp) and decided to check the web and had to check in first lol.
Brooke I'm digging the new layout.
Thanks for sharing as always. It takes a big person to put their personal emotions to the side and realize that something isn't for them. Now that we are older as I know for me personally if someone says they don't want any children or marriage then we can't be together.
But try saying that to me 10 years ago when I was 24. I would think he would change his mind or I would change it for him. The 20 something ego is no joke! I will say at least he was up front and not leading you on.
But break up sex is very, very tricky. Feels great when it's going down, but a lot of women I know, including myself that have gone through the break up sex have back slid. It could be very emotional (well at least for women) and can lead to a state of mass confusion that was brought on by swinging an episode...sigh.
Be like a drug commercial and say no lol! Not worth the anguish or emotions.
Now I'm going to sleep...I'm sure I'll feel the tase sting in my back from Queens later on.
BUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!
lol
I agree with Serena. We all have been there & done that back in the day. I think now that I am a little older & have had different experiences I wouldn't. Like Serena said it would be too emotional and it's probably easier & healthier to just make a clean break.
OWWWWWW my back hurts from the tase lol! Clean breaks are nice. I'm no longer in the mood for drama. But there are some people that long for the drama, emotion, etc and wonder why no one wants to date them or even be around. lol.
Yeah.. I', with you guys. If there is emotion involved.... usually the break-up sex is tough. I think the last time I had break up sex... I really wasn't ready to break up...as a matter of fact... I try to make the sex so good...neither one of us would want to break up. And it worked...and the relationship dragged on ... until we ended up having break up sex again a few months later. In total...we probably had break-up sex a total of 6 times! The funny thing is...the last time I needed to end the relationship...I made sure we didn't have break-up sex! And I was finally able to move on!
Damn Pretty Ricky, 6 times! LOL!! Exactly my point, you'll keep trying to figure out how to break up if you keep doing that :)
Generally not a good idea.
WOW...never expected to see THIS as a topic. But it's REAL TALK. I think I almost SPECIALIZE in break-up sex. No, seriously - I can't think of anyone who I didn't end it with in my recent history of women who I DIDN'T have break-up sex with. And I know for a fact that it tends to be real intense for all the women I've dealt with...not to imply it ain't involved or the kid, too.
Do I recommend it? I dunno. But I can say I've gone through it. The WORST was this Ethiopian queen I was messing with...she was one of the GREAT ONES. She got very emotional during and after...cuz she knew it was the end. Even though neither one of us actually said that. She was moving, and we weren't going to see each other more than likely for a looooonnnngggg time.
We talk to each other every now and then. We still have strong feelings for each other...as friends with a special history. But I find it odd that she goes on vacations with her girlfriends like twice a year - just her and her girls - and always offers me the opportunity to come along. Even though I'd be the only guy. Hmmm...
I would take her up on it, too - but she has a "situation". And I'm too old to go back to my old ways...especially since we live so far apart.
I can't condemn or recommend break-up sex. I just know it's reality. But it actually makes me think of something one of my boys used to say that's related to it...
He used to always say "once I've had her, I can always GET her". His theory was unless a woman he had dealt with was married, he could always revisit said woman for at least a night if he really pressed the issue and set up the right conditions. But he said he could only do this if the relationship had ended with him "putting it down" with some good break-up sex.
We used to laugh at him and some of his more salacious theories...but he honestly didn't seem to be WRONG about this. In fact, I even tested the theory myself a couple of times...and found it to be true in my cases. But THAT topic is for another blog, I suppose...
Just adding my 75 cents as usual.
Leave it to Rameer :-)
And why am I not surprised you specialize in break up sex? LOL!!
I can't say I really have break up sex. When I'm done, I'm done. If I get to that point where we actually break up, I usually don't want you to touch me. Not always, but most times.
And I know me, and I'm honest with myself...or try to be. If I feel like "one last time" will be okay, then I'd be fooling myself and try to stay away. If we were in a serious relationship, I can't do the break up sex thing. "If that sh*t is supposed to be over then let it be over!" LOL!
Inviting you on trips with the girls...hmmmmm she's either being very nice or has other intentions if you know what I'm saying.
Now when your boy said this did the relationships end on a good note meaning no cheating, getting burned, etc. Hey just keeping it real. I couldn't go back to a man in that way that hurt me so to the point of cheating on me, etc for him to call and try to get it later on. I don't think so.
But I will say dudes have tried and it's sooooooooo not cool. But they get an "E" for effort and "T" for nice try. lol!
Serena - he was talking about relationships that ended on good terms. Even though he himself was THE drama king of our crew when it came to women...but his theory held validity for relationships that ended on good terms.
And I agree she's got other intentions...which is why I haven't gone. Thought I've WANTED to just for the trip itself...
Meryl - when I've had break-up sex, it's not like it's scheduled or we say "one more time". It's 98% of the time one of those things you just KNOW. You KNOW this is it...without even having to say the words most times. That's my experience, at least.
I know a dude who wound up with 2 kids after make-up and break-up sex with his ex-wife.
I'd say, leave it alone...
Break-up sex is just messy...nothing good can come of it. It's over....if anything, it serves as a reminder of how good the relationship was...only to leave you wanting more of the nonsense you are leaving behind. It's counterproductive and very risky--I'd say pass.
I agree ladies, not a good thing for the most part.
Yoland, 2 kids? Yeah see, that's buffoonery.
Lisa's back! yay!
Maybe my perspective is different, seeing as when I know it's over, it's OVER. I never backslide or go back to see if it can "work" - with only one exception in life.
But I'm sure y'all are used to those pitiful-a$$ "please baby-baby PLEASE" brothers...so yeah, it would def be a bad idea if that's the case.
For me, it's more like the grand finale...the last piece of closure...the final release to get it all out of your system.
Yeah, like I said...I think most men are better at this than women are.
It's how I keep my relationship going...Ya'll buggin...
I stay arguing with my girl...over dumb shit...
Who finished the apple sauce packets?
Why the fuck you keep stepping on the back of my heel in the supermarket?
Why do you always make my mother take out the garbage?
Stop using my bamboo paper to stick between your toes when you paint them…
Why does your grandfather have to bookmark porn on the family computer when he comes over? Not my fault he can’t remember the sites he likes…
We break up damn near every night...She don't know whether to Ride me or Smack me upside the head with a sautee pan...(She's trying to cut down on Fried foods so...just in case you were wondering...why not a frying pan? )
Sex ain't good until my woman tells me she HATES ME...For real..We had our baby girl having sex, cursing the shit outta' each other about the con ed bill...
LMFAO...Craig is just straight dumb!!! I needed that laugh today!!!
Craig is a hot mess. LMAO we definitely needed him to comment!!!!!!! lol
I walk into our apt. Foyer light is on...No one in sight...I walk into the living room...TV, table lamp, AC on…No one in sight…Music Blastin’…Beyonce’s CRAZY IN LOVE….UH OH UH OH UH OH….ALL THE GODDAMN LIGHTS ON…I walk into the bathroom…My girl is in the bathtub…having a muthafuckin’ bubble bath with candles…
ME: (Irked) Yo..
BOO: (Sweet) Hey babe…
ME: Yo, what the fuck?
BOO: What the fuck’s wrong with you?
ME: I come home and walk into TIME SQUARE on New Years eve and here you are, locked in the bathroom, lookin’ like goddamn LADY IN THE WATER… (Sniffing) What the fuck is that scent?
BOO: Blueberry Pomegranate
ME: Oh, word? It's come with Pomegr...
BOO: Breathe boo, Po-me-gra-nate
There she go with her smart ass mouth...
ME: Well..Why couldn’t you BLUEBERRY yo ass around this house and turn the lights off? While you were on your way to your goddamn Yoga retreat you got set up here?
BOO: Let me ask you something…
ME: What?
BOO: Did YOU turn the lights off on your way to my Yoga retreat, dumbass?
There’s a standstill between the two of us….I stare her down…I clench my fist and bite my lip…She hums CRAZY IN LOVE as she pours more bubbles in the bath…totally ignoring me …FUUUUUUUUUCK!!! She made a great point and she fuckin’ knew it…I hate when we BOTH KNOW she’s right…I wanna’ fuckin’ strangle her…
ME: You think you so FUCKIN’ smart!
I storm out the bathroom like a 5 year old child…Yelling as I turn every light off in the house…
ME: (Turning off lights) I should tear these fucking walls out and yank every wire out this bitch! Live like those Pennsylvania muthafuckas…whatchucallem…(Under breathe) What the fuck you call them Thanksgivin’ lookin’muthafuckas? (Sucking teeth)
My boo storms out the bathroom, butt ass naked…
BOO: Who the fuck you callin’ a bitch?
ME: I didn’t call you a bitch…I saaaid…OUT THIS BITCH…The wires in the wall…Never fuckin mind…All that Muthafuckin time in the tub, you shoulda’ washed the wax out your fuckin’ ears…
BOO: I know you not talking wax…Wit' dem sugar babies you got stuck in your ears...All that wax you got...It's like diggin' in da crates...Fuckin DJ ears....Why don't you get a CLUE, CLUE CLUE...
AGAIN...I clench my fist and bite my lip as I get in my RALPH KRAMDEN stance...She looks at me like she’s staring right through me. AGAIN …I wanna’ fuckin’ strangle her…
ME: (calm) Okay, Okay…You think you sooooooo FUCKIN’ funny!
BOO: Why you gotta fuck my flow up wit’ yo bullshit? You could have walked in. Turned EVERYTHING off except the music…and potentially walked into a blowjob?
ME: Please…As long as yo ass been outta' work…The fuck you know about ANY job?
OOOOH…Low blow...She was outta work at the time for like 6 months…She’s looking at me like she wants to slice my throat…okay…NOW, I’m getting turned on…And now we get segue into more childish behavior…
ME: All I know is I’m calling Con Ed in the morning and I’mma find out how much juice you used today ‘cuz you payin’ for that shit…
BOO: Cheap asshole…
Boo stormed off to the bedroom…(MARTY MAR: WAAATER GLISTENIN ALLLL OVER HER BOOOOOOODY)....water drops on her ass holdin on for dear life...Staring at her ass like it was a BUTT PIPER...I soon followed...
ME: You finished with your mudbath? I wanna use the bathroom…
BOO: What fuckin’ mudbath?
ME: So why’s the water so dark?
Now, I'm just being plain stupid...Inside, I’m smiling like JJ…I know it pissed her off…as dumb as it was…
BOO: Fuckin child…So I’m dirty, now too?
ME: I don’t know…Are you?
BOO: Do I stink to you?
ME: I don’t know. Let me smell you…
BOO: Yeah, do that...
I smell her neck. Check. Armpit. Check. Between her titties…check…bellybutton…Eh...She gets a pass…She grabs my head and sticks it between her legs…
BOO: You wanna save ENERGY MUTHAFUCKA!!! HERE!!! SPICE CHANNEL FOR YO ASS!!!
We ended up cursing and fuckin...fuckin and cursin…ALL NIGHT…TURN DA LIGHTS OFF…
I say...FIGHT AND FUCK!!!!
Craig... I'm straight outta breath, laughin and coughin at yo dumb a$$!!!
I don't even know what to say.
LMAO!
Can Craig Guestblog Friday?!?
PUH-LEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEE????
I want him to! I've asked him! But you know how Craig be disappearing and whatnot :)
and if Craig doesn't do it, maybe you can write that bitchassness blog finally Rameer :)
Craig again I'm blown away! I have a tear in my eye that I won't let drop because I'm in public cracking up! They already think I'm crazy lol!
Thanks for the good laugh!
I would LOVE to take a trip thru Craig's mind...just once.
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