Friday, November 19, 2010
TGIF!!!
So…let me get your thoughts on something.
Lately I’ve been reading articles about the double standard between single, Black, 40-something year old men who are successful...but choose not to get married or have children – and their counterparts who decide the same. And I’ve also read the statistics that state that 72% of black children are born to unwed mothers (parents)…which got me to wondering…
Would any of you agree that if a black man or woman, for whatever reason, decide that they never want to get married, should they NOT have children? Ever?
I ask because it seems that even though we’re not getting married, we’re certainly still having kids. Now, I’ll be the first one to tell you that children are never a mistake. They may not always be “planned” – but I believe that if you are here…God wanted you to be here. Period.
But there are those who say that black men and women who have children out of wedlock are “polluting” and/or “diluting” the gene pool of “desirable” parents for the next generation of our children. Successful, educated black men of a certain age with the means to take care of a child and provide for him/her are opting NOT to get married and have children, while "Pookie annem" are having babies all willy nilly and not taking care of them. The same can be said for black women who are choosing their career over a family, but the "Shenene’s" of the world are popping them out one by one.
I’m not saying this is true, but that is the perception. Don't shoot the messenger.
But what if the successful, educated black man/woman with the means to take care of a child actually decides to have one…but still doesn’t want to get married – then what? Should he/she be criticized for bringing a child into an “unwed” situation, even if they are an active parent in the child’s life, teaches him things, spends time with him and loves him? Or would they be contributing to the breakdown of the black family – even if they’d probably end up divorced if they got married anyway? As we've all heard by now, many feel that marriage is becoming obsolete - but being parent doesn't seem to be going out of style any time soon.
I ask because not everyone is meant to be in a monogamous relationship. Not everyone, regardless of education or status, has the tools necessary to compromise, or make the sacrifices necessary to have a successful marriage. Success in a career is VERY different than success in a relationship in many cases, so marriage may not be for everyone. Success and happiness no longer have to include a wife, a husband or a child. Sometimes a job, a cat and a Snuggie are really enough :-)
But can you be a great parent while not a great spouse? Or do you think they should go hand in hand? Is a person who would be considered a “desirable” parent selfish for not choosing to have children, or are they smart for knowing what they want or what they can or cannot handle? I’m curious to hear the answers to this one because some days I can see myself as a mother, but not a wife – and other days the opposite is true. So what say you?
Go!
-b
14 comments:
First BITCHES!@!
DAMMIT!
Well the ideal situation is to be married and have children after, but speculating on anything outside of this "ideal" situation is extremely difficult. There are just too many variables, conditions, and personal experiences to sum up any one of these situations in absolute terms. Society is slowly moving to a "i" instead of "we" society (there are countless reasons for this which I could probably write a thesis on) which contributes to a lot of this destabilization in the family structure.
I agree with Malik, not all situations are the same.
For myself, I'd like to get married and have kids afterwards, but if I don't get married, I don't want to bring a child into this world. I'd be disappointed if I didn't have a child, but I'd want to raise him under the most ideal situation possible - which I believe involves two parents who live under the same roof. That's my personal preference, so if that means I'd sacrifice being a biological father, then so be it. I'd just mentor young people instead, and help with my nieces and nephews instead.
I'd love to be married first before I have kids, but I haven't ruled out adoption, or even having a child on my own if I find that my clock is ticking too loudly. I think that if you have love to give and the means to take care of a child, then you shouldn't have to give up having kids if your heart desires it. I know people who grew up in 2 parent households where the parents hated each other, weren't loving, etc. So 2 parent households are not always ideal. For some people, being a parent is a natural thing, a burning desire they have, and they make it work and raise great kids even as a single parent. If you love your child and want the best for them, you'll do what's necessary to make sure they're provided for.
As for the Pookies and Shenene's - in a way I agree, but that'll never change. We just have to pray for their children and help look after them.
Being married doesn't make you a good parent. There are plenty of examples of BAD parents who are married. Furthermore we all know parents who are better parents after a divorce because they are happier & more fulfilled. At the end of the day once that child is in your life (whether it was with your husband, boyfriend, baby daddy, sperm donor, adoption) it's your job as a mother/potential father to be the best parent ever!
And with the statistics of how many marriages fail & how marriage is becoming obsolete we have to realize that marriage may not be the path for everyone & even if you take that path it may end in divorce.
At the end of the day you need to do what's right for you. NO matter what it is. But if there is a child involved that kid must always be put first.
For those interested, there is a interesting project called the National Marriage Project which is run by the University of Virginia. Lots of interesting reports/white papers on this page in regards to divorce, out of wedlock circumstances, happy marriages, etc:
http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/specialreports.html
If we are looking for answers, working with an empirical framework around our personal experiences is critical to creating a happy medium for our present and future relationships.
Thank you for the link Malik, I'll take a look.
I do feel sometimes like that is what has weakened us as a community...out of wedlock children being born without the father in the home. You take away the father, you lose a lot of power - assuming he'd be a good one. We don't value marriage anymore, and I feel that we don't give our children the best shot in this world by doing that.
Why is it that if you adopt a child and raise it as a single mother, you're a hero, but if you birth your own child and raise it, you're just a "baby mama" who is killing the black family?
Interesting and valid question Jaz.
I guess the perception is that if a child is already here and has no one to love and raise it, then a single mother's love is better than no love at all. Whereas a woman with no children who chooses to birth one is knowlingly bringing the child into a situation where there are not 2 parents.
But in no way does that mean that a woman who births a child as a single mother and that is her CHOICE is less fit than anyone else. There are women who have significant means to raise a child, as well as many male role models and a support system to help that child grow into a productive, well rounded, balanced and loved adult.
I've thought about adoption many times, and everyone said they thought I'd be doing a noble thing, even without a husband. But the times I said I'd consider in vitro, I got the side eye :) Definitely a double standard.
That's an EXCELLENT Question Jaz.. I personally think ALL good mothers are heroes no matter how they became mothers...
Yes, that is a great question Jaz! And very true about the double standard!
I have a son and I think I'm a better parent now that his mother and I are divorced than when we were together. Granted, we were married, but we didn't stay that way...but I still think we are a family "unit" even without us all being under one roof. Is it the most ideal situation? No. But are we MAKING it an ideal situaion? I think so. My goal has always been to raise my children under one roof, but immaturity and irresponsibility on both our parts didn't allow that to happen. You can either let it remain a bad situation, or you can turn it around so that your child benefits. So long as two parents are committed to that child and do what's in his best interest, then the child will be better for it, despite not having parents who don't love or get along under one roof.
I agree with Jay. I am not married, and do not intend on having kids (even though I would like to be a parent) until I am. Like Jay said, I want to be able to give my kid(s) the best shot I could and for me that means being with their father in a loving marriage and home. People always give me the side-eye when I say this because I believe that as a society we are used to seeing single parents. By no means am I putting down single mothers (my mom was one), but just because we may have been able to excel in spite of coming from a single parent home DOES NOT mean that that was the way that it was supposed to be. In order to ensure that kids grow up in good 2 parent homes, the responsibility will fall on those who want to be married to select better partners.
Also, I believe that being a parent is a stewardship responsibility that has been entrusted to us by God. I believe that being a parent needs to be a task that one has been called to instead of a goal that someone wants to attain. Not everyone is called to be a parent, and unfortunately those uncalled people have kids who are paying a very steep price for their parents' foolishness. When people say that they want to have kids, I often ask them what their motivation is, because sometimes people use children to fill a void that they have and that isn't fair to the kids. In fact I believe that it is rather selfish. If they say that they want one because they feel "it's time" or they "want to get it out of the way", then I instantly know that this "yearning" isn't about fulfilling a purpose, but rather to satisfy a need that I believe noone can fill but God.
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