Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Happy Tuesday!
Yesterday as I was lurking on Facebook, I read a status that said, on average, people tell about 4 lies a day. I actually thought that number was pretty low - but then again, I thought to myself, "I don't lie that many times a day...if at all." Or do I...?
Yesterday....
Coworker: "How are you today Brooke?"
My reply: "I'm great!"
But I was really tired as all hell yesterday, and irritable because I was told I had to pay an extra $252 to fix the power steering on my car after I had already shelled out close to a grand on Saturday to fix a problem with my exhaust system. So I was not "great" at all. But I said I was...
Is that a lie?
Yes, it was.
But I'm the type to try my best to be positive, even when I don't feel like it. After all, I don't have to make everyone else miserable or unload all of my problems on anyone else just because I'm having a bad day. Right? So in instances like that, is telling a little lie okay?
Coworker: "I've lost weight, can't you tell?"
Me: "Sure, keep it up!"
But what I really wanted to say was, "No, I don't see it...as a matter of fact...you look heavier."
But why would I say something so mean and tactless? I'm not one to try to hurt someone's feelings, and when put on the spot, sometimes there's no "creative way" to tell the truth without making someone want to punch you in the face...or run crying in a corner. I'd simply rather encourage you, even if it means telling a little fib. But is that wrong?
My sister is one of those people who tells you the truth whether you want to hear it or not. If your outfit is wack or your makeup looks busted...you'll know it. I don't think she could lie even if she wanted to. She wears the truth on her face. And even though I've gotten my feelings hurt many times because of her brutal honesty, I always appreciated that she never let me go outside looking crazy because she cared enough to tell me that my jeans were too tight, that I could benefit from swiping on some lip gloss real quick, that I should run a comb through my hair or get my upper lip and eyebrows waxed. She was telling me the truth because she loved me...
and because she would probably be embarrassed to be seen with me in public looking like "hobo scratch." (her line...not mine)
So what type of "liar" are you? Do you lie to spare people's feelings? Or do you lie to keep from being caught cheating on your boo? ;-)
Do you only tell the painful truth to people you love or who you know can handle it? Are you the type to only be receptive to the truth if it's coming from a friend or loved one? Would you appreciate being lied to if it means sparing your feelings, or do you appreciate the truth no matter who is telling it?
Or are you one of those people who claim to NEVER lie?
Cuz if you are...that's a lie right there :-) LOL!
-b
26 comments:
first bitches!!
DAMMIT!
Anyway, I can't stand when people say they never lie...those are the ones you have to watch out for!
I tell little "white lies." Not sure why they're called "white lies" but whatever. I lie to spare feelings of people I care about, but if I don't know you, I'm tellin' the truth no matter how it makes you feel.
Now, I won't let my friends go out looking like a hot mess, but I'll politely "suggest" they change their outfit :)
Everyone lies, it's just a matter of if you're pathological or not.
I'm the liar that keeps the peace. I'll say something to make my lady feel happy, keep from arguing, or something of that nature. I know how to answer the "do I look fat in this dress" questions.
One time I made the bad mistake of answering that question this way after being asked a million times:
"Babe, do I look fat in this outfit?"
My answer: "Do you look fat OUTSIDE of that outfit?"
I think I woke up like 3 days later in the hospital. Never again.
Sometimes you have to tell people a little lie just so you don't have to live thru the drama. Once, a very jealous woman I was dating asked me if my coworker had a crush on me after some "minor" flirting she thought she saw her doing at a company function. I said yes...which was a big mistake. Once I confirmed that my coworker had a thing for me, every day was "what did that bitch say to you today?" or "do you like that bitch?" All I could think was I wished I had lied and told her that my coworker was married to a NBA player or something. That's when telling a lie would have come in handy.
Some people can't handle the truth, so it's best to keep it to yourself. If I don't want to lie, which is most times, I usually say nothing. But like you said B, sometimes when you're put on the spot, a lie is the best thing depending on who you're talking to.
I lie to help people feel better.
I lie to make people leave me alone.
I lie to the cops.
I lie to bill collectors.
I lied to Professor X once, but that wigga knew I was lying and told me so in my head.
I lie to women who ask me if I think their man is cheating and I do, but I can't say that without being positive so I lie and say no he's probably really working late with his new sexy secretary and your slutty friend that works with him.
I lie to my friends when they ask if I think their girl is cheating..and I KNOW she's cheating. (That lie is usually "I dunno man sounds kinda odd to me*)
I lie to little kids when they ask me questions about Santa...
..and the Easter Bunny
...and La Chupacabra
...and whether or not they'll need to know this math in the future. (Nah, little nucca that's what computers and calculators are for...)
I lie to my mother so she doesn't offer to help do some shit she has no place doing.
I lie to get out of jury duty.
I lie to get a day off from work.
I lied to myself thinking the Yankees would win the World Series, the pitching was horrible this year, we were lucky we got that far.
I lie on on interviews.
I lie on my taxes.
I lie by not saying anything.
I lie to get sex.
I lie to get out of having sex.
I lie to make old people think I care about their stories when really all I wanna do is find a beautiful woman and I lie to her so we can have sex.
I lied I don't lie to women so we can have sex.
That was a lie...Ha! See how good I am at lying?
I was first yesterday and today, bitches...and. that's. no. lie!
Goodnight (it's day) and God bless (he doesn't really care about your prayers that your co-workers shuts up, HE's busy trying to help the people of Indonesia)
Well, I'M one of those people who tends to not lie, like your sister. And I don't say I NEVER lie - but it is rare that I do.
I just don't GIVE a eff to lie. Truly. I used to be one of the greatest liars ever...and if I chose to, I could be again. I can make most people believe ANYTHING...but I only use this talent when I'm being sarcastic or joking with someone who I will inform that I'm just kidding shortly. But if we're being serious - yes, I'm that cat who will tell you your kids aren't cute if you keep pressing me about it.
And it's a major reason why I'm a love or hate type of guy - the brutal honesty. My boys ALWAYS warn people who meet me for the first time..."DON'T ask him just anything!" The key is, I've learned to not VOLUNTEER my opinion at all times. Example - so if a co-worker comes in and says to me and group of people "Aren't my kids cute??" I simply won't respond. Now, if said co-worker were dumb enough to notice everyone else responded but me, and pressed me on the issue, my response would most likely be - and this is the nicest I can do - "I personally don't find your kids cute, but their YOUR KIDS, so all that matters is that YOU think they're cute."
I stopped lying for the most part my freshman year of college, 1st semester, to be exact. After I got out of some - ahem, *trouble* with some authorities - I just stopped, cold turkey. But then again - the worst thing you can do in my family is tell a lie. So that factored BIG TIME into it. To this day, I'll cut a person I'm close to ff quicker for lying to me than for most other things...true story.
So no, I don't do even little "white lies" (I HATE that term, and the connotation it has, BTW). Smart people have learned to use this against me...but honestly, it's not easy to do. My boy's wife has always been a MASTER at it...as long as you know that I will NOT lie unless it means someone's life (for the most part), then many times you can get me dead-to-rights...
But the truth that I've figured out - you don't HAVE to lie to people. Most people will lie to themselves or think whatever the want without you having to tell the lie...it's hard to explain, but I could TOTALLY show any of y'all what I mean. In the above example I gave, an alternate ending of that situation would be me say nothing, and the person ASSUME because most people lied and said the kids look cute, I thought so as well. Even though I said nothing and gave no facial expression that indicated I thought the children were cute.
My 75 cents...lolz. Oh, and Brooke-Ra? I like when you post the blogs earlier like this...hard for me to comment when it's later in the day. But I KNOW many times you're just as busy (if not busier) than all of us...
Yes I tell little white lies because I'm sometimes not up for the follow up questions.
Like you said Brooke, there are days people ask, "how are you!"
I'll respond good or great when really I feel like I wanted to stay in the bed because I was tired or emotionally drained.
But if you answer that way the slew of follow up questions follow.
Oy vey...
I'm mostly known for being very honest. My close friends can tell you. Hey I want the best for my friends and if you tell me too much about your problems with your boo 10 times out of 10 I'll tell you how I feel.
Some don't like the truth but yet they ask for it. Some don't like feeling uncomfortable but sometimes the truth will make you shift into the place where you need to be.
But back to lying, yes I think everyone is guilty at it.
@Rameer,
I usually don't get home til close to 10 at night after the gym, so by the time I shower, get myself together for the next day, cook lunch, etc., I don't feel like writing or haven't thought of a subject yet. And if I try to write during the day, it's hard since work is bustin' my ass lately :) But I try to get them in early!
@Fury,
You're a mess...and apparently, a good liar :) I don't think I've ever lied to get out of sex - I rarely turn that down :)
I'm usually very leary of people who lie for no reason. Lying to save someone's feelings or to avoid a confrontation is one thing, but I know people who will tell you anything just because they feel like it that day. About little things...about nothing. Those are the ones I keep an eye on.
I find that I'm usually very truthful 95% of the time - especially to my friends and family, but I know how to be truthful in a thoughtful way. Sometimes there are those who can understand the truth with words wrapped in ribbons. And then there are those who you have to just be straight and blunt with...like an elbow to the nose, because otherwise they just won't get it. Telling people what they need to hear is usually how I operate, but you also have to recognize those who WANT to hear it...vs. those who no matter what you say, will always just believe what they want. Like Rameer said, they make their own truth. I rarely offer up my opinion or the truth as I see it (unless I'm writing a blog :) - but if you ask me, I usually give it to you straight.
You have to lie to survive in this world!!
Funny thing you read that on FaceBook because 90% of the people onn FB lie everyday!!!
@Mr. Ford,
It's so funny you say that, because I saw a coworker's status on FB the other day that read "Day 3 of my detox" - but I saw them eating pizza a lunch! They forgot who their FB friends are...and that I actually see them LIVE in person daily. I was like "huh?"
People lie about their relationship status on FB, where they are, what they're doing, even their birthday! They live in their virtual world forgetting that there are people who actually KNOW them. It's hysterical!
I don't mind the little lies, those don't bother me. If you're lying to spare my feelings, then fine...there's no malicious intent. I care more about BIG lies - like "no, I'm not married." "No, I don't have any kids." Stuff like that. If a person will deny their spouse, girlfriend or child, then I'm out. You can't be trusted. And if you can lie about those things to my face, then the relationship/friendship is doomed from the start.
Brooke I agree people who lie just to lie. The pathological sort are beyond explanation and understanding. My breakdown of lies are the general what people call "white lies". I've never actually lied to get out of sex, but I know people that have (honey I have a headache sort). LOL
LMAO @ the person saying they're on detox.
I also don't think the other side of it is very humane. There's one thing to be an honest person like your sister. We all need honesty I prefer it. But I also know the line between honesty and cruelty.
I know you're busy...and I'm not trying to get you to change your schedule and activity. It's just harder for me to engage in blog convos during later postings...so I was just explaining to a degree. I tend to read most of the blogs, even if I can't comment.
My mother explained to me when I was a teen that MOST people lie all the time, and I need to accept that. Everyone's not *like us*. So my rule of thumb is...people who are close to me, KNOW my thing about lying. I don't accept it; if you're a normal liar, even about little things, then you're not close to me. Simple. We can be cool, but we won't be tight. I figure if you're going to lie to me about "little" things, when something big happens, you're more likely to lie about that as well. Why wouldn't you? If you lied to me about having an extra piece of gum (rather than saying "I have some, but I don't really wanna share"), then what's to stop you from lying to me about my phone being in your car and your kid making calls on it??
***nod to Brooke-Ra***
No, just tell me the truth. Unlike most people who say they always want the truth, I actually do - and appreciate it. One of my boys told his now wife a long time ago as she started to tell me a "little lie"..."NO. Don't do it...he REALLY can't stand any type of lie, especially to his face." And that's 100% true for me.
@Brooke - Remember that Jim Carey Movie..
If people didnt lie the world would be in total chaos.. :-)
I don't think anyone likes being lied to. I certainly can't stand it, and once you do, it's hard for me to forgive and forget. But it really only applies to people who matter to me. If a coworker tells me I look great that day, when I know I don't...it doesn't bother me. It's whatever. But if a friend lies to me about something, I take it to heart...even if it has nothing to do with me.
I have friends who lie to me because they're afraid I may judge them, or because they don't want me to tell them what they need to hear - especially about relationships. I always tell them I'd rather they not say anything than lie to me, because the truth always comes out and it's always worse when it does. Lying is usually for those who are too afraid to face the truth, in which case I say just say nothing.
I don't lie to people I care about...so I hope that they never do it to me. They say lying to someone you love really only says that there's no REAL love there.
Do you agree, or are there exceptions?
@Fury,
Women lie to get out of sex all the time, but it's funny when it backfires :) My favorite - "not this week, I've got my period."
Usually that sends them running, but two times that didn't work for me. Once when my boyfriend didn't care, because he "ran red lights" as Brookey called it, and another boyfriend who memorized my cycle, so he was like "wait...I thought it wasn't due til the 8th?" I was busted :) He even was like "show me!" Grosss!!!
I don't include "regular folks" in the equation - like I said, my mother told me that's what MOST people do. But I don't accept lies from those closest to me AT ALL. In the event that one occurs, it's always been a MAJOR problem...and I then let the person know that I've lost trust for them, and they'll have to show me over time that they are indeed worthy of my trust. And those aren't just words - I really DO lose trust in their words and actions.
@Brooke,
I don't know if I agree with that. While I tend to not lie to people I care about, sometimes it's the ones you love who you lie to most - if for no other reason than you don't want to hurt them. Sometimes when I'm going through something heavy and my mother asks how I'm doing, I may lie to her to spare her hurt, because she tends to hurt when I do. Because I don't want to stress my mother out, I don't tell her when I'm stressed. I'll just lie and tell her everything is fine and lay all my heavy stuff on my dad or my sister because I know they're better equipped to handle it. My mother has enough stress in her life with her illness, so the last thing I want to do is stress her out and make her sick. So in that case, I feel it's okay to do...and I'm sure we can come up with more instances where a lie is better than the truth. Nothing is always black and white.
As for what type of liar I am, I am mostly a "liar by omission." I may not lie, but I may not tell the WHOLE truth either. I usually let people fill in the blanks themselves so that technically I won't be lying to them. I know that lies by omission are still deceitful in some cases, but I'd rather do that than lie.
@Brooke - there has to be exceptions to lying to people you care about. Imagine your mother or sister asked you the same question about losing weight? You won't say "No." You'll say "Yeah A little" then encourage more.
@Stef - He asked to see it???? Gross, mang!
I damn sure prefer not to be lied to and I do my best not to lie to people (unless it's the cops fuck them), but it often seems inevitable to be lied to. I'm sensitive with the way I tell the truth as well.
The lies we tell ourselves are far more damaging. But, yea, I lie here and there, mainly so I won't look incompetent.
This post and the comments reminded me of something I read recently...I believe the author was a psychologist/therapist of 25 years. She was saying that sometimes "brutal honesty" is a disguise for covert hostility. I'm paraphrasing but this was the gist of it. Sometimes people who claim to be "brutally honest" are those who walk around with suppressed anger...mainly because they don't know how to express their anger in a healthy way. The result is that the anger comes out in sporadic bursts of open rage or disguised as "brutal honesty." After all if you tell yourself/others that you're just being "brutally honest" no one can argue against THAT, right? Oh the lies that we tell ourselves..
Oh and completely agree about the Facebook lying thing...ugh! I would've called out the co-worker who was supposedly detoxing though. Maybe *I* have some suppressed anger but that would've been too good to pass up.
@Fury,
Well, like I said earlier to my coworker when she asked if I noticed her weight loss...I said I did and encouraged her. But SHE knows if she really lost weight or not. Maybe she did and I just didn't notice it because I see her everyday. Or maybe she didn't and she was fishing for compliments, who knows. Either way, if I tell her to keep up the good work, then hopefully it will help her to KEEP losing...or START losing. Like Yolanda said, the lies we tell ourselves are far worse..and those always come back to bite you in the ass...you can't run from them.
As for the detox girl Naria, I was SO CLOSE to saying something like "heard about your detox, you go girl!" and then search her face for a response once she realized I saw her eating pizza that day. But I decided against it. There was no point really...and again, she knows she's lying...even if no one else does, and I think that's worse than being caught sometimes.
Then there are those who actually BELIEVE the lies they tell. Those the the pathological ones...the ones I fear the MOST!
And I agree with the "brutally honest" way of dealing with things that you detailed below. It DOES seem to come across as angry and hostile. I don't think it's always necessary, but I think there's a difference between being straight forward and brutal. I've had certain friends tell me that I was "brutally" honest, even though I was simply telling them the straight truth. Just because I tell you something you don't want to hear doesn't necessarily mean I'm being "brutal." But when the truth hurts, it may come across as brutal. It's not until they realize that they just didn't want to hear it that they realize I was just telling them the truth as a friend. I try my best to be thoughtful and tactful in my interactions with people, and if I can't find a way to do that, then I keep my mouth shut. With loved ones, it's not difficult for me to be caring, but it's also not difficult fo rme to be honest when I care about their well being.
Well, I'm brutally honest, and I leave it up to the people on the blog who know me personally to determine whether I'm "angry and hostile" in-person. Personally, I think that assessment is hogwash, cuz that would make most of my family "angry and hostile" - and I don't think anyone would say that about most of us.
Can I BE angry and hostile? No doubt...but so can most liars. So I'm not buying that ticket.
My peoples and I are honest with each other about everything...that's who I surround myself with. And believe me - it's not easy to find truly honest people. Which is why I cherish my friends and family.
Well, I think when people say "brutal," they mean "mean." I think there's a way to tell someone the truth without being mean about it. Truth is truth, but there are usually several ways to tell it. Truth doesn't have to be "brutal" if you interpret "brutal" as "mean."
@ Rameer - Obviously I don't know you but if you're as honest with yourself as you claim to be with others and you say you're not "angry and hostile" then I can believe that. I don't think that assessment is hogwash though. I think that assessment speaks to the true MOTIVES of those who claim to be "brutally honest." For example, you're hangin' with a good friend and a mutual acquaintance comes along at the last minute and you notice that s/he is looking a hot mess (by your definition). S/he happens to be in an exceptionally good mood and they're going about their business not bothering anybody. Maybe you had a bad day that day and their good mood coupled with the horrible outfit and the fact that you feel like this person is intruding on your good time with your "real" friend makes you feel a certain kind of way and you decide that you need to be honest and say something like "...who let you leave the house looking like that.." You convice yourself that you're really just doing the person a favor. And afterall you're just being honest and the person should actually respect you for that. How about maybe you just needed to do that to make yourself feel better...? In which case, it IS hostile! Wouldn't you agree?
@Naria,
I would agree that that's hostile. A lot of people who claim to be brutally honest that I know personally are people who don't know the difference between compassion and tact, or who don't care.
There were times I've had to be painfully honest with people that I love. And when I say "painfull", I mean tell them a truth that I know will probably hurt their feelings, but that they need to hear.
For example, I had a friend who dated a man who cheated on his girlfriend to be with her. I remember telling her that if you cheated WITH you, he'll cheat ON you. That was a painful truth she didn't want to hear. But I COULD have said, "You dumb b*tch, you ain't no different than the other chick, and he's gonna cheat on your stupid ass too!"
But why take it there. That would have been the truth too, but old in a brutal way. Not everyone needs to be told the truth in a hostile or angry way. I'm not saying anyone on this blog does that, but usually those who claim to be brutally honest have no desire to spare a person's feelings or be thoughtful because they feel that the truth, as THEY want to tell it, is more important than being compassionate.
@ Brooke - Exactly! Esp. the last paragraph...
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