Hillary for President!
8 years ago
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Dear Brookey,
I know this is going to sound pathetic, but I feel like I have a weird dating dilemma. Men that I’m interested in always seem to be interested in one of my friends instead of me. I know that I have great, beautiful girlfriends with a lot of personality, but I’m no slouch either. Yet every dude I like always seems to tell me that he’s interested in my friend just as I’m about to tell him that I like him or ask him for his number. What am I doing wrong?
Second Best
Dear “Second Best,”
First of all, if you believe that you’re second best – that’s exactly what you’ll be. Stop calling yourself that, because it’ll become a self fulfilling prophecy.
Next, maybe you should start going out alone to meet men, or with a different group of friends. Your friends can’t help who is attracted to them, so perhaps you’d feel better mixing it up a bit. You don’t have to integrate your friends with everything you do or everywhere you go. When you go out alone, you look confident, and maybe more approachable. And if there’s no competition around, you’ll know that if a man approaches you, he’s interested in YOU and not one of your pesky, super cute friends :-) Being alone almost forces you to meet people….cuz what else are you going to do just sitting or standing there by yourself? If your girls aren’t there, then you won’t be constantly worrying about who’s NOT looking at you and who’s looking for the “cute one” in the group – so with less distractions, you’re more likely to just be yourself and get all the attention.
Note: If you DO go out alone, take a book with you or be doing something. You don’t want to look like the psycho with no friends. And don’t get wasted at the bar because you think drinking alone makes you look “intriguing.” Have ONE drink (during the week, not on the weekend) and spark some friendly conversation with the guy sitting next to you and be your charming self :-)
You may not think so, but you may be giving off a certain vibe around your friends who seem to be more outgoing. If they’re not thinking about the next guy who may come up to them, then perhaps that’s what makes them seem more attractive. Nothing is more of a turnoff than a man or woman who looks like they’re waiting for someone to approach them. When men and women are in their own world having a good time, they look happier, and therefore more attractive. Stop worrying so much about the men and simply enjoy the time out with your friends.
And maybe some extra flirting might help too. Take a look at how your friends behave when they’re out. Are they flirty? Fun? Do they laugh a lot? What signals are they giving off that maybe you can take a queue from? Nothing is wrong with a little friendly competition – so if you can’t beat 'em…steal their moves! I’m not saying don’t be your lovely self – I’m just saying do what they do and put your own sexy spin on it. Do it BETTER!
-b
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42 comments:
First Bitches
I agree with Brooke..Maybe since you already feel like you're second best you are in turn FORCING a man to look at your friends instead of you. Think of yourself as #1 beacuse you should always be #1 to yourself... and hopefully that minor attitude adjustment will be all that you need to turn your luck around...
Besides you don't want a man to be interested in you & then THINK that you shouldn't be #1 in his life. You want him to view you as the wonderful woman that you are.
Good Luck
Cable Guy, please continue with your BLASTING from yesterday. It was great to hear your comments about people faking the funk on the blog!!!
I got your back son!!
@Employee,
I'm glad you were feeeling me on that. While I "believe" most people on this blog are cool, I'm no fool. It's a blog for crying out loud. It's a GREAT blog - well written...but as for commenters, we all can be whoever we want on this joint...so let's not get it twisted :)
Now..onto the topic. I agree with Brooke. You're probably giving off the "I'm here to hold the purses" vibe when you're out with them. Or the "cock blocking" vibe. Or the "hater" vibe. Or the "girl next door I'm not as sexy as my other friends" vibe. Whatever it is, you need to ask your friends what they see so they can school you. Or ask another dude to keep it real with you. If you're not the "ugly" one, then you're giving off "something." Find out what it is.
Maybe you're hanging out with a bunch of hoochified girls too, and if your the "clean" girl in the group - maybe that's why men go for the "sexy" ones cuz they're looking to get laid. Hey, not all men are upstanding gentlemen who are looking for the "good" girl. If you and your girls are out at the club, then maybe it's the environment. Like B said, go out with a different set of girls or change where you go or go out alone and see what happens. You can probably see clearer what the deal is.
@Cable Guy: Good point. I never thought about the vibe her friends were giving out. OR maybe her friends are just friendlier or more outgoing and she may be the one that falls back. That can also be intimidating to a man. He may see you as unapproachable.
@Cable Guy,
Good point. Figure out if the men are "truly" interested in your friend(s) because they're "nice" or because they look "easy." :-)
I guess my mind didn't go there because she said she had a group of beautiful, great girlfriends with alot of personality...so I assumed birds of a feather...but he has a point :)
The vibe is VERY important. Here's a possibility - maybe she just comes across as "the buddy". Meaning - she doesn't seem to be interested in a romantic dalliance in the eyes of the guys she's around.
I used to date a girl - one of "the best I ever had" - who I had NO CLUE was interested in me. When I met her on a skit trip, I met both her and her roommate at the event. Both were very attractive, but "K" (I'll call her by her initial) was just a chill-ass, cool woman to be around. "D" (the roommate) gave off a much more flirtatious vibe, and thus I wound up being attracted to her.
At the end of said ski trip, I asked K about her friend, gauging if I should press the issue further since we didn't live in the same city. K informed me SHE was interested in me! I had no clue. But K was the one I had spent more time with and was really cool, so I had no problem telling her we should exchange numbers. Wound up being a fantastic relationship...
I'm just saying - she mentioned that she's always "just as I’m about to tell him that I like him or ask him for his number." Well, if these dudes don't get the vibe she's interested from the jump, why wouldn't they look to whomever else is around and giving signals to them? I agree with what was written - she should get an honest guy to break her down, or even ask her friends...if they even truly notice.
As for Employee's comment - I wasn't able to comment yesterday after my only comment; I went home ill. Read yesterday's blog, and saw all the comments including Captain Cable's...and while I must say, I DO agree - it's the Internet, where anyone can present themselves as any type of way - in the past, I've read people on this blog questioning if others are "real" or genuine due to the words they've typed.
Look. Truth is, as Captain Cable said, we DON'T know everyone on here personally. And none of us owe it to each other to get into "proving our authenticity" matches. My personal opinion is - the people who are faking the funk or do so tend to reveal themselves. Because most don't remember what they've typed over a 12 month span or when they're contradicting themselves' I have a weird mind where I do remember those things. However, it's not for me to call people out or accuse them of being fake or real. It is what it is.
There are a few people who pop up on the blog who DO know me personally, and can usually reflect on me being the same old guy. But if someone doesn't believe me or anyone else to be authentic, like the Captain says - who cares? As long as you're true to yourself, that's all you can take care of.
Worrying about others that we admittedly don't know personally is pointless to me. Let's just stick to the topics presented and offer our opinions and thoughts in this wonderful community that Brooke-Ra has presented. I'm good with that.
Sorry for the tangent - just wanted to speak on it.
@ Rameer... WOW... That was something special...LOL
Just to add a note to what you said at the end.. Brooke works hard to try to present new & interesting topics for us to discuss every day.. And today she took the time out to want to try to help someone. (And for those of us who actually know Brooke personally THIS IS JUST the type of person she is..)
SO let's just stick to the topic at hand...
Furthermore us "regular" blog commenters: myself, stef, Rameer, cable dude... may agree or may disagree but none of us take anything the other people say personally because like Cable dude said IT'S A BLOG IT'S NOT REAL LIFE..We clown each other & we may call each other out every once in a blue but it's all in GOOD FUN...
So HATERS beware...You can never break up our lil blog family OR the positive situation Brooke set up here. We are here to support...
FIGHT THE POWER
CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG???
TASERS IN DA AIR...
BUZZZZZZZZZZZ
***SITTING AROUND THE CAMP FIRE WITH THE USUAL BLOG SUSPECTS SINGING KUMBAYA***
AGAIN @ RAMEER:
Hope u r feeling better dude!
Thanks so much, AnnaMaria. I am indeed feeling better- strangest thing. I felt nauseated all day, for seemingly no reason. Didn't feel better until last night.
And we ARE family. I love my regs on the blog! All for one, and one for ALL!
Lolz! BTW - back on topic, I agree with Brooke-Ra saying to the writer to not refer to herself as "Second Best". So many people defeat themselves with from the jump with their own mindsets...ALWAYS think of yourself as NUMBER ONE!!!
WOW! Second Best, do I know you? Are we related? :-) This is me to a "T"...
This has happened to me quit a bit (maybe I need some ugly friends... kidding!)
Anyway... a guy I've been interested in for a long while now admitted that he finds a friend of ours attractive and even though he'd never approach her, as a Taurus who's jealous by nature, that isht rips me a new one every time he's around her because I "see" what he won't admit... *woosa, woosa*
But this is about you... not me :-)
I'm curious though. How many single people on the blog REALLY go out alone? And where are you going out when you're alone (clubs? lounges? parties?)...where? I'd really need to work up to that level.
YoLANda: stop it before I tase you!!! lol
Matter of fact you & Ms. Second Best over here need to go hang out together! LOL
And I can honestly say I didn't go out alone when I was single.... I need someone to talk to other than the voices in my head..LOL
BY THE WAY: http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/Lawrence-Taylor-indicted-on-rape-charges-in-New-York-062310?gt1=39002
Yolanda,
While I don't tend to go out much alone, I do mix up the group of friends I go out with. I tend to mostly go out with one, maybe 2 girlfriends tops...not a "group." But I've gone to movies alone, bookstores, even vacation alone. And if I go out with one or two women, I don't stay tied to their hip the entire time. I mingle with other people and meet back with them 20 minutes later at a time.
And I tend to feed off my friends' energy. It's rare that one of us is the wet blanket while the others are lively and having a good time. Some nights the attention will be on you, other nights, it's on them. But I never feel like my friends are "outshining" me on any given outting. Sometimes it just is what it is. But if you're positive, SMILING (that's big...you'd be surprised how many women DON'T smile and be mean muggin people) and just enjoy yourself without thinking of who you'll meet - you'd be surprised the good energy you give off.
not YOU Yolanda...but just in general.
And speak up! If you like someone, tell HIM!
YES YOLANDA TELL HIM....YOU WANT ME & BROOKE TO TELL HIM??? lmao
Cuz we will... lol
Oh, he knows! He knows.
Well then later for him! :)
And please don't tase me. You so violent :-)
I agree on the mingling thing and switching up the friends. I think I subconsciously tend to gravitate toward people to who fill in the blanks...the opposites attract rule, I guess. So, I'll wind up with friends who are more outgoing than I may be and when I am outgoing, we wind up out-flirting each other, though not on purpose. I'll have to mix it up a bit to avoid that.
I really don't have much more to add other than what Cable Guy said. The vibe you're giving off is telling these men that you're not interested - either in them or or meeting people period.
But it sounds to me like your self esteem is taking a hit. If you don't see yourself as number 1, or good enough, or as great as your friends, then I'm sure men can sense that about you. Confidence is sexy, so get you some girl!
Switching up who you go out with, where you go and what you do is a great idea. Going out alone is a great idea too, even though I know most men and women need that support, or just some company. But ask a man whose opinion you trust to give you his honest feedback - cuz your friends might feed off the fact that you appear jealous of them. Women can be funky like that sometimes...jus sayin.
@Yolanda,
I have female friends who try to out-flirt each other all the time. It makes us all look silly, so I tend to break away from the group and find someone to talk to, or flirt with ALONE. Like Jay said, women can bet catty and competitive, especially if there's only a handful of cuties in the spot to choose from. It could be that your friends get all the attention because they're trying to STEAL it from you. If you're cute, then they might think they need to out-flirt you or be the loudest chick in the spot so they can get the attention. If you're quiet and reserved or classy, then men probably overlook you for that reason alone.
But not ALL attention is GOOD attention. Are the dudes you're interested in classy guys, or ones who only like the loud chicks cuz they're trying to hit? I think cable guy was on to something there. Maybe these dudes that are passing you over aren't even worth your time.
that second part was for "Second Best" not you Yolanda :)
Oh, and everyone else is right - stop calling yourself "second best" cuz you're not!
That is EXTREMELY good advice - about TELLING a man. So many women think and feel one way, but never do the simplest thing - TELL THE GUY! Then they get upset or in their feelings when things don't go the way they'd like.
My best friend 'Nita has a friend down in the DMV area...she's very cute. I always joked with her any time I was down there about how she "better be careful" flirting with me - cuz one day I'll call her bluff! That's as far as it went; we don't even have each others number. The only time we EVER see each other is if one of us is with the mutual friend, and that's rare - we might SEE each other twice a year.
Anyway...last year, 'Nita and I stopped over her house. Her cousin, who is the same age and lives with her, was there and I met her for the first time. We all went out for drinks and had a good time. Later that night, when it was just me and 'Nita, I told her that the girl's cousin was fine. That's it.
'Nita told the girl, and she got PISSED! She told 'Nita that was effed up, cuz SHE liked me - meanwhile, even 'Nita didn't know that! She said to her "how was anyone s'posed to ever KNOW you seriously liked him?!? And how can you be mad that he said your cousin was fine? He didn't actually PRESS HER." The whole situation actually strained their relationship for a couple of weeks.
I know and see soooooo many women who simply won't open their mouths and let their intentions and feelings be known. In male circles, we tend to ask a dude "what's WRONG with you?" if he doesn't make his feelings or intentions known towards a woman he's feeling. I wouldn't even want the stigma from my peers of not opening my mouth. But women are different...a lot of times, they want to go at a certain pace, or expect a guy to just "know".
Open y'all mouths! Cuz the next woman ain't being timid! Shoot...a closed mouth doesn't get fed, man! Lolz!
Okay - *enough* with the personal stories...I feel like the old dude in the barbershop...
Also be careful about the women you hang out with. I don't care what ANYONE says we can be some FUCKED UP BITCHES sometimes. And some women will pretend to be your friend & do things to make you think they are also BUT they really aren't.
I had a friend for years that was happy as long as I was there to support her & as long as my life wasn't going anywhere. And I really thought she was my best friend. As soon as my life started moving along instead of being happy she was jealous & we've stopped talking. And to tell you the truth I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. And only good things have happened to me since then.. Sometimes our friends can cast a cloud or bring negativity our way without us knowing.. So although I'm sure you're both intelligent women who have wonderful friends JUST make sure they are indeed your friends..
I wish you both lots of happiness.
Thanks ya'll! Good tips.
And good luck, BEST! (I'm not even using the "second")
*Rameer, sweetie, you are the old man in the shop...sorry to break it to ya*
Thank you all for the advice. I didn't realize that maybe I'm giving off some vibe, so I'll ask my guy friends what they think the deal may be. Cable Guy, you're right - maybe I need to take a closer look at the guys I'm interested in too and see if maybe I'm dodging a bullet instead!
You guys rock! Thanks and thank you Brooke for answering my email!
I'm mad Annamaria put an LT link in the comments! LMAO!!!
That's better - FIRST BEST! I like it! And you're welcome :) We've all been there at some point :)
I've been through this and most times, it was in my own head. How I felt about myself dictated how I saw my friends and the entire situation. Once I focused on being the best ME I could be and simply having fun, my friends seemed to get less attractive :-) I say that in jest, but you get the point. How you feel about yourself will determine the energy you put out into the universe and what you attract to yourself. So I'm glad you now see yourself as "First Best" - cuz you are God's child and a great person with the world at your feet. If you believe it, it'll BE. Good luck! Great advice everyone!
DAMNIT THANK YOU CABLE DUDE FOR NOTICING!!!!!!!!! LMAO
I THOUGHT THAT WAS LOST ON EVERYONE!!!!!!
Free LT!!! LMAO!
We'll FREE LT when u hook us all up with FREE HBO..LMAO....
That has Annamaria written all over it :-) LOL!
WHO ME??? I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT?? WHY WOULD YOU THINK IT WAS ME??? CUZ I'M BEING SARCASTIC..UMM I MEAN THE PERSON WAS BEING SARCASTIC???
That should have read:
Skipping down the street wearing matching BFF T-shirts..
You got mad jokes!
Just a few.... lol...
Now THIS is me having jokes :)
Kumbaya my Lord, kumbaya
Kumbaya my Lord, kumbaya
Kumbaya my Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Someone's singing Lord, kumbaya
Someone's singing Lord, kumbaya
Someone's singing Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbayah
Someone's laughing, Lord, kumbaya
Someone's laughing, Lord, kumbaya
Someone's laughing, Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Someone's crying, Lord, kumbaya
Someone's crying, Lord, kumbaya
Someone's crying, Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Someone's praying, Lord, kumbaya
Someone's praying, Lord, kumbaya
Someone's praying, Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Someone's sleeping, Lord, kumbaya
Someone's sleeping, Lord, kumbaya
Someone's sleeping, Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
She must not have any work to do :)
Pot calling the kettle black since you responded 30 seconds later! That's why we have soo many problems with the damn cable.. I'm going to tell Powerz to stop paying the cable bill! LOL
that would be funny if I was actually WORKING today...
Good Night Blog Family...
I love you all.. I will chat with ya'll tomorrow.. Off to hang out with my nauseatingly perfect fiancee to enjoy a nauseatingly perfect evening without our nauseatingly perfect baby..LMAO
(that was just for my BUDDY the Cable dude who always keeps it 100 in the VIRTUAL world..LOL)
Yeah, be out so that you can tell us all about how nauseatingly (YOUR word) PERFECT your night was tomorrow. We'll be looking forward to it....NOT.
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