Monday, June 14, 2010

Being a Baby Daddy

Happy Monday!

This weekend is Father's Day weekend, so like last year, I'm reaching out to all the dads I know to contribute a blog post each day leading up to their special day. While both mothers AND fathers are special, I feel that men don't always get the same "shine" that the women do - so I'm giving the fathers a chance to share what being a daddy means to them in their own words.

First up - The Cable Guy! Show him some love!

Being a Baby Daddy...by The Cable Guy.

Some days I look at my son and wonder how I got here. One day, I was hanging with my boys, playing Xbox, hollerin' at the honeys...and the next, I was a baby daddy. Just like that. It happened overnight it seems, and at the time I was terrified. “How am I gonna do this?” I thought. What kind of father was I going to be?

Answer: I kick ass!

But I didn’t at first.

I got a text message saying she was a week late. Yes, a TEXT MESSAGE. At first I thought it was a mean joke - perhaps an April Fool’s joke...in August. I called her telling her to stop playing, only to realize she wasn’t. Not cool.

A text message...really?

We had been “dating” for only a few months, and I didn’t even know what her favorite color was. So finding out that I was going to be the father of a child whose mother I barely knew was mind boggling to me. No, our contraception didn’t fail...because there was none. We had been careful up until the shower...cuz bringing condoms into the shower is...well...who does that? I should have. I didn’t.

One missed period later and I was planning a shot gun wedding at the “suggestion” of her very religious father. Again, not the smartest decision I’ve made, but I wanted to do the right thing and “make an honest woman” out of his daughter. Guess he never pictured her ass up in the shower, but I wasn’t gonna tell him how his future grandson was conceived.

The moment I found out I was going to have a son, my world changed. Now I’d be responsible for raising a boy to be a man. At 25 years old, I wasn’t sure I was a man myself, and now I would be held accountable for making sure my son became one. The moment he took his first breath and was placed in my arms, I grew up. I wish I could say I was grown before that moment, but I wasn’t. The world was scary now, and I was his daddy. I wanted to protect him and guide him. I wanted to be a better man.

Being a better man meant being honest with myself. I wasn’t happy as a husband, but I was ecstatic as a father. I didn’t care about not being “cool” anymore. It didn’t matter to me that chicks were checking me out even though I smelled like baby puke or had spitup on my shirt or was carrying a “very manly” baby bag. I was bummed when I found out he had rolled over for the first time and I missed it because I was at work. I never wanted to miss any of my baby’s special moments or milestones, and each little smile or laugh or clap had me beating my chest with pride.

But I had to swallow that pride and admit that our marriage, that never should have happened, wasn’t working. I felt like a failure, and I didn’t want to be part of the stats of black families that have fallen apart. But I didn’t feel like I could be the best father I could be while being miserable. Yes, maybe I should have stuck it out, tried harder to make it work, or just sucked it up to my own stupid mistake and deal with it like a man. But I didn’t want my son to grow up to be the type of man who settles - the type who makes mistake after mistake without learning his lessons. I wanted my son to be happy, and to see his parents happy - and the only way I could teach him that was to separate from his mother.

It wasn’t just my decision – she was unhappy too. We made the decision to split together and explained to our parents that we’d make a better team as parents who lived apart, than as parents who coexisted miserably together. They didn’t support it at first, but now they get it.

Now, my son is thriving in a family where the parents have a mutual respect for one another, who both love him unconditionally, and who only have his best interest at heart. I can tell he’s happier, because WE are happier. And even though we have very different parenting styles sometimes, it seems to work because we communicate as friends, not as bickering exes who hate each other. My son only knows joy, not fighting or misery.

It took me making a hard decision to become a kickass father. I’m taking responsibility for him as well as my own actions and happiness. And as I continue to learn how to do that with every day that goes by, it’s turning me into the man that I hope he one day becomes.

-Rob

37 comments:

A-Buzzz said...

FIRST BITCHES

Anonymous said...

first baby daddy! Babby mamma's...

Jay said...

@Rob..aka Cably Guy,

As much as we joke and clown, this post was great, and very heartfelt. I know it's not easy sharing your mistakes and feelings with us all on the blog, but I commend you on being a responsible father who only wants the best for his son. Kudos bruh.

Jay said...

excuse the typos - that should be Cable Guy, not "cably" LOL!

A-Buzzzzzz said...

Tell this anonymous person to kick rocks cuz I'M FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO...

Anywho... Cable Dude.. I'm giving you a big round of applause. I don't know what I expected when I saw you wrote the blog but it certainly wasn't this. You made me put down my taser & tear. It was really sweet & very touching & inspiring.
Congrats on being a dad! And props for being able to make a mature decision for the benefit of your son. It's not always an easy decision BUT I'm sure its the one that benefits him the most.

Stef said...

@Cable Dude,

I'll put aside my hate for you in order to say that this blog was very well written and very HONEST! I know alot of people who are in terrible marriages who got married for the sake of the child, and now the child is suffering as a result because the parents THINK that they're doing what's best. Children can sense when their parents are unhappy and don't want to be with each other. While I commend you on trying to do right by your son's mother and marrying her, I commend you even more for making the hard decision to leave and be happy, while still being a very present father in your child's life.

Just because two people don't work out doesn't mean they still can't be great parents. I'm glad you two figured out a way to make it work so that your son is well taken care of. Great blog!

Anonymous said...

Great blog! Very insightful and extremely honest. Knowing when enough is enough is always a difficult decision in a marriage..especially when it involves children. It is so important that the parents maintain the appropriate relationship with each other to ensure that the emotional environment the children experience is at it's best. Do you find that you have to be more insync now with your ex than you did when you were together regarding your son? (discipline approaches...daycare...etc?) Do you feel as though you get the time you need with your son? (I was watching true life on MTV and they just discussed scenarios where mothers ran away with the children and the fathers were left without access to the children...)

The Cable Guy said...

Thanks Annamaria and Stef (my arch enemy) and Jay :-)

I was afraid to write this for Brooke, and she's added some commas, and other punctuation to make it read better. I just didn't want to mess up her blog :)

I asked my son's mother to read it to make sure I wasn't putting any business out there and she read it and loved it and gave me her blessing. That's how cool we are now, but we weren't always like this and it took us a while to get to this point. She even asked me if Brooke has come around yet to giving me a chance :)

She reads B's blog from time to time, so I'm glad I got a chance to contribute. I would normally not have anything to write about, but being a dad is the one thing I know and feel proud about. So thanks again everyone.

Powerzzzzz said...

Well put Cable Dude. I especially can relate to knowing enough that your son will benefit from seperated happier parents than miserable together parents. This is the best advice to any couple in this situation. I'm not supporting seperation, just enough to know what is best for the individuals and the child.

Well Said my friend....well said!

The Cable Guy said...

@Anonymous,

Yes, I actually DO feel more in sync with her now that we're parents than when we were dating. It's strange, because I know more about her now that we're not together than I did when we were married. It was so forced, and I felt like we were roommates, not spouses or partners. Once we got divorced, it was like this huge burden was lifted and a light went off, so once the pressure of the marriage was off, we were able to see each and GET each other. We're good friends now and there is no drama. I trust her and she trusts me, even though we disagree on some things. I think with her, she has to let go and let me be the man in his life instead of trying to be the mother AND the father. I know it's hard since my son's main residence is her house, but she's slowly realizing that as his father, I'm the main male influence in his life and she has to trust that I'll be a good role model for him.

I see him whenever I want, and I take him at least 3-4 times a week. Her work schedule is crazier than mine, so I have to be ready at the drop of a hat to take him, which I have no problem doing. And when it comes to dating, we plan in advance and we accommodate each other's schedule. I haven't had a woman meet my son yet, and she has a boyfriend who I've met and trust around my son - but I'm his father and he respects that. They have no overnight visits at her house and if she wants to go out, I gladly take my son so she can have a life. It's working out WAY better now that we're not together and I'm a much better father because of it.

The Cable Guy said...

Thanks Powerz!

I can't keep up!

Rameer The Circumstance said...

GREAT BLOG, Captain Cable. I echo the sentiments of the others.

Much respect to you, bruh!

A-buzzz said...

Powerz.... just know that if we don't work out. I will let you see Sophia whenever you want.. BUT I will teach her to tase you in your sleep!!! :)

The Cable Guy said...

Thanks Rameer!

Annamaria, put the taser down! :-)

JUSTBNME said...

Great Blog Cable Guy!!

DMURRAY said...

Cable Guy,

Good stuff dude. I know from personal experience that divorcing with a young boy in the home is difficult. We owe it to our sons to be raise strong men no matter the circumstance. It is equally important for the mothers to realize this and mature to a point we can all be effective parents. Our relationships did not work out but the bonds we forge with our boy must!

The Cable Guy said...

Thanks everyone, and thanks DMurray, I totally agree.

A-buzzz said...

I definitely understand the role a man plays in raising his sons. I don't care what anyone says only a man can teach his son how to be a MAN.. So you guys definitely have to be a MAN when stepping up to the plate..

Men I hope you also know how important it is to be there for your daughters. The way you love your little girls will shape them for the rest of your lives. Sophia loves me BUT she is DEFINITELY Daddy's lil brat. And so is Jada. And the way Powerz treats his little girls will help them pick a mate & how to demand to be treated with respect & love.

Ms. Penn said...

Hello everyone!

I've been MIA for a minute, but still reading daily, and this post was great! Cable Guy, my congrats to you on doing what is necessary to make sure your son is healthy and happy.

And Annamaria is right, daughters need their fathers just as much as their sons do. In some cases, more, because the first men in a little girl's life is...or SHOUDL be...her father. If he's not present, abandonment issues can arise. And if he's only half way present, then she'll think it's okay for men to be in and out of her life, with no responsibility or accountability, and will allow a man to treat her with disrespect. It's just as important for little girls and boys to see their parents act civily towards each other so that neither grows up resenting the opposite sex - or think it's okay to act in a bad manner simply because things didn't go their way.

I applaud you, not for taking care of your son...because that's what you're supposed to do...but for deciding to be happy for yourself first so that you can pass that happiness onto your child.

The Cable Guy said...

Thanks Ms. Penn!

I hope to have more children one day, and if I have a daugher, I'll take raising her just as seriously as I do my son.

Maybe Brooke and I will have a daughter one day...once she realizes she loves me :) LOL!

Serena W. said...

Standing Ovation from DMV (DC/MD/VA). I applaud you for taking your responsibility and being a real Dad. My father didn't know how and ran from his responsibility. End result was me never knowing him at all.

Mom spoke highly of him and I knew of his gifts and talents. But he was just messed up :(

But you are the example of the fathers that do stand up, love their children, learn from your mistakes and move on.

Your son has a great man to look up too and he won't settle Cable Guy because his parents didn't.

Much props to you my friend!

The Cable Guy said...

Thank you Serena!

And is seems as though your father missed out on what a wonderful daughter you are. I would never want to miss out on what a wondeful child my son is and grows up to be, and I would never want my son to think that I skipped out on him.

You are an amazing woman despite not knowing your father. The children you have one day will be so blessed!

Baby Mama said...

Hey everyone!

I read Brooke's blog from time to time, but keep quiet and just read the shananigans that go on - especially between (Rob) Cable Guy and Stef :)

But today I felt compelled to share what a great father Rob is to our son. He did ask me if it was okay to write this blog and I gave my blessing because everything happened exactly as he described...even up to the ass up in the shower part! lol

We both take responsibility for our son, and I had to learn to let go and let him be a father to his child to raise him into a man. Rob wasnt' always that man, but from the moment our son was born, he has stepped up and been there with me the entire way. It was scary, we made mistakes, but we are making it. And we're making it as friends and co-parents, not as exes who have bitterness in their hearts. It took a while to get there, but we're here now because we love our son.

Brooke - I know you're a lil bit older than Rob, but he's a good guy. He told me to write that! LOL!

Seriously though, he's a great father and will make someone ELSE a great husband one day.

Serena W. said...

Cable Guy...I'm so touched! Dad missed out on me, two other sister and a brother (that's a blog in itself) Thank you...

Hats go off to my Papa (my grandfather rocked) and I love him. He's been gone for 9 years but his lessons stay with me for an eternity.

I wish there were more parent's like yourself and your son's mother. Friends that could be great parents without all the bickering and chaos.

Your son is blessed to have parents like the both of you ;)

The Cable Guy said...

Thank you Serena...and thanks to my baby mama :) LOL! It feels weird calling her that, because I think she's more than that, but that's who she is :)

Baby Mama and Baby Daddy have such negative connotations, but it shouldn't have to be that way. We were once married, it just didn't work out. I take pride in the fact that we can put our differences aside for our son's sake.

Your father missed out on alot Serena. I won't make that mistake.

Brooke - did you read what my baby mama wrote? You got her cosign! LOL!

Brooke said...

Yes, I read it :) And I'm sure you're a great guy. Your dedication to your son proves that. The fact that both of you are mature enough to make the decision to live apart so that your son can have the best of both parents shows that you both are amazing people. Not everyone can set their pride and emotions aside to do what's best for their child. So often, the child gets caught in the crossfire of warring parents - and the parents are so blinded by ignorance, pride or hatred that they don't even see what they're doing to their children.

You both are to be commended.

Baby Mama said...

Thanks Serena and Brooke!

I grew up with my dad in the home, as you read, and he instilled values in me that I still carry to this day. Unfortunately, not having sex before marriage was one of the values that didn't take hold :) LOL! I know my father meant well when he "suggested" we get married, but people shouldn't force a situation as a result of their mistakes. I know that now.

I hope that Rob and I will be successful in teaching our son right from wrong, but also that if he makes a mistake, it's his to make and we won't interfere to the point where it makes him unhappy. We'll always be there for him no matter what happens, and that's what we want him to know.

Stef said...

Wow, who would'a thunk Cable Guy is a good daddy...and has a sane baby mama!? LOL!

Just kidding...I had to bring back our bickering...feels weird not fighting with you :)

That being said, Brooke STILL don't want you MAN! But I'm sure you'll make a good husband for someone ELSE! LMAO!

The Cable Guy said...

Kick rocks Stef! Hater! LOL!

Jaz said...

I'm late to this one, but GREAT BLOG Cable Guy! And kudos to you too Baby Mama :) You both are great parents and mature adults, and your son will benefit from your sacrifices and good judgment!

The Cable Guy said...

Thanks Jaz!

A-buzzzz said...

I don't usually read this late BUT I was online & decided to look..LOL

PUTTING DOWN MY TASER & GIVING A STANDING OVATION TO BABY MAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!

BOY do I wish you was Powerz ex rather than cable guy's ex... LMAO...It would make MY life waaaayyyyyy easier & less full of drama which would benefit EVERYONE especially the kids...

Props to you BOTH for being mature & putting your child first as it should be. You guys may have made mistakes BUT you have risen above them with CLASS & wonderfully. I hope you all continue to have nothing but all of the joy & blessings that life have to offer....

Baby mama: If Brooke ever does decide to give Cable Guy a chance she'll treat your son like the prince he is.. I promise.. I take stepmom just as seriously as I take mommy so I will tase her if she ever slacked off...But she wouldn't its not in her nature

KP said...

What a beautiful read!!! God bless you Cable Guy. Keep on being a great example, role model and guide for your son and other men out there. Good job.

Hope you have a wonderful Father's Day. :-)

DMoe said...

Cable Guy...

Excellent blog bruh.

Far too often, sentiments like yours get lost in the shuffle of life.

That was a great read, and keep the faith.

DMoe

Yolanda said...

Cable Guy, I heart you.

This was sweet and heartfelt. I enjoyed reading it. Best of luck to you and your boy! And the ex :-)

The Cable Guy said...

I'm just now seeing these posts - thanks alot everyone!

I agree, Brookey would make an EXCELLENT Step Mom! LOL!!

Geeque4u said...

Great Blog!!!

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