Friday, February 20, 2009

TGIF!!

He's been in hiding...or dissing us, who knows :-) But he's baaaack! FINALLY!!!


REFINANCING OUR LIVES...by Craig Verde.

Hello Beautiful people...and ugly people...you know who you are, don't deny...I missed all you guys! ;-)

For those of you who can give a rat's ass, I was on a Green Peace Excursion the past few weeks. Now I have returned with a sharper cloud nine mind...and darker lips…

So here's what's on my mind...

There's a RAPIST on the loose! Covering ground across this country faster than a friend request and pounding away at that ass at a jack hammer pace! What's that you say? Who is this beast targeting? Well, I'll tell you...EVERYONE! This rapist has the taste of a liquor-lovin', drug-filled fantasy – craving a back-road retard in its sexual prime. Any and everyone can GET IT. Ladies and Gentlemen...meet THE ECONOMY...;-/

It was the morning of February 12th. This particular morning, I turned off my alarm after the third snooze tapping. This isn't like me. I'm usually up at the first sound of Steve Harvey's country ass voice spilling out the radio. Steve Harvey: "Oh, hell naw!" That's all I gotta' hear to wake me up and shut the fucking radio off, but not today. My girl and I sat up in bed. As I stretched, I yawned out a "FUCK" as I felt this lightning bolt shoot up my ass. Not proud to admit this but...I shrieked. My girl immediately turns to me with this "Renee Zellwegger" look on her face warning me never to make that feminine ass sound again and then goes into this rant out about my morning breath. Still half-sleep, I only catch sound bites of what she's saying...something about heat, shit, gargling, death, paste and a baboon's dick. She lost me. I replied with a quick teeth suck and a, "Shut the fuck up." She laughed, feeling the love in my tone. As I wiped the cold out my eyes, I tried to comprehend what I'd just experienced. Not my breath, my ass. The lightning bolt. My girl begins rubbing my back as she asks, "Babe, so how do you feel?" I felt another bolt. The pain! Her words hit me like broomstick. That's right. Monday, February 12th. It was my first official day of unemployment. I am a victim of the ECONOMY. I just got fucked.

In the Verde household, we are all refinancing our lives in this economic ASS BEAT DOWN. My girl is back in school getting her Bachelors Degree and Baby Fried Egg goes to a private school, so we are finding ways to cut the fat from our spending habits. We went from Soy to regular milk. From movie nights to Netflix. Car Pool. Cut down on the cable package. Baby girl gotta' cut down her breakfast regimen. Porridge is her new best friend. My girl has to cut down on her shoe fetish. She's like Carrie on crack. Well, not like Carrie on crack cuz if that was the case, Carrie wouldn't have any shoes. She would sell that shit for her next hit. Manolos for crack. You get what I'm saying. She loves shoes, dammit.

I say all this to get to my point. I had an epiphany the other night. My girl was "studying" (also known as perusing Facebook ), Baby Fried Egg was sleeping, and I was looking for a job (also known as watching "Harold and Kumar 2"...smoking). So I'm at the scene where Harold and Kumar are smoking a joint with George Bush...funny, right? No...you would think I was watching "Shindlers List." I love Harold and Kumar, but there was no smile on my face. No talking to the TV. With a dead panned look on my face, I turned my attention to my joint. I didn't feel the same. I was bored. Smoking wasn't the same anymore. I had become very depressed lately and I didn't know why. It's when I started looking introspectively to find what was making me feel this way. I came to the conclusion that smoking was making me feel uneasy and I needed to improve my standards of living. And this was the place to start. I decided to stop smoking. I needed to refinance my life. I thought...I'm smoking too much lately, I'm feeling sick and I'm wasting money. What's the point? I'm done! Starting a new chapter in my life! Then I looked closer at the TV screen. I noticed the stash that Harold and Kumar had. Damn that's green. Fluffy looking...like a green pillow...(sigh). I then looked down at my stash. Mine had sticks and seeds...doo doo brown color...(sigh). I got it!. This is when I had my EPIPHANY! What a fool I was. There's no need to STOP smoking weed. I need to smoke BETTER weed. What the fuck was I thinking?!

See, in these hard economic times, most people who smoke have a decision to make. Quantity over Quality. Very serious issue. No laughing matter. Due to the economic ass beat down, I had chosen "Quantity" from B.K. Andre instead of "Quality" from Cali Carl. I figured it would last me longer. But the thing is, with cheap weed, you smoke more. Smoked out...burnt lips...with good weed. You can take a couple pulls and sit that shit down. Less smoke, last longer and feel better. Now, THAT is better standard of living.

So my point is...in this Economic Ass Beat Down, sacrifices must be made. But there are some things that cannot be compromised. Weed is one of them.

People...I'm on my way to see Cali Carl. Refinance your life...;-)

-Craig

29 comments:

Annamaria said...

I'm SOOOOO Exzcited. Great way to end the week. In hysterics! lol I'm going to read now..

FIRST BEOTCHES! BBUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Annamaria said...

WOW... When I first started reading I thought this was going to be a serious post. AND then the Craig that we all know & love came out!!!! Glad that you are refinancing your life in these tough economic times. It's not easy making these decisions & depression is very easy to come by. I'll be joining you on the free cheese line after March 31st (my last day here) sooo hold my spot!!! LMAO

Georgia Peach said...

Me too Annamaria was def thinking this was going serious loved the end Craig. LOL...I've learned my lesson quality over quantity when it comes to week.

Brooke said...

Damn, y'all beat me on my own damn blog! I was trying to comment, but then these people here are making me work! Geesh! Just call me Kizzy.

Anyway, I've already tried to start refinancing my life. I've been trying to bring my lunch more, cook more at home. I try to only go to free screenings for my entertainment. I shop less, and try to recycly my clothes to make them like new again. I eat out less when I go to visit my family in Philly. I even opened up an extra savings account for emergencies, miscellaneous, etc. Just basically cut out alot of things that don't make sense to me. Thank God I don't have a habit, like weed or shoes, to shake! Well...okay...maybe Snapple.

Be back...going out to lunch. I know, know...bad! But Princess is in the area and I haven't seen her in over a month, so it's a special occasion! After my birthday week is up, I'm on FINANCE LOCK-DOWN!

Glad you're back Craig! We missed you!

Serena W. said...

Hey Craig welcome back! We missed ya! Good luck on the job search too. But I needed a good laugh but for real I'm refinancing my life as well. I look at my cute SUV everyday like, "This thing is sucking up gas money and a car note to go along with it." These times force you to be creative and think differently. But I'm with you on the quality vs. quantity kick. LOL. I don't smoke, but I do have a couple of things (eg my good wine) where all I need is one glass, vs. cheap wine that gives me a damn headache and you need a couple to feel nice. OR buying a bottle vs. the 5 liter box which is quality and at the end of the day cheaper then buying bottles of cheap a** wine. Everyone have a Happy Friday...well try too.

Annamaria said...

Brooke sounds like you got your shiznit together. I must say I have opened a bank acct for the baby already & I have money directly taken from my bank acct & put into the baby's acct every time I get paid just to put some money to the side for the munchkin. And I really haven't been going out much, etc etc

Keefe said...

Craig,

When you get that "quality" weed, remember to "Puff, Puff, Pass!" :-)

Brooke said...

oh! I see you Keefe...you're too busy to comment when I post something, but you come out of hiding when CRAIG is back?!? I see how you are.... ;-)

Annamaria said...

Keefe:

Craig can't spend his unemployment money on weed & then SHARE IT?????? Either bros are going to have to make a donation to the Craig needs Weed foundation OR you are on your own!!! LMAO
Craig I think you should start an online website to collect donations for your "habit"! Hey if the octuplet chick can do it WHY CAN'T CRAIG??? LMAO
I'd totally make a donation to Craig before that chick.

phillygrl said...

What the HE(%$ is wrong with Craig!!..Im reading, thinking WOW!!..GREAN PEACE..he's really an environmentailis!!:-) Im wondering if he's i a foreign country , they ha says his ALARM clock went off!..im like HUH? they must have a helluva hotel in said 3rd worl country Im thinking he's in( bonding with the earth & what not)...anyway..then he mentions his Girl.im like hell naw..what is he talking about... GREAT POST...& the economy is a Mutha...I 2nd that. but Suze Orman is my guru right now, I've sold my 2008 passat & got a 1990Accord..no more payments, refinanced my house CHEAPER CHEAPER payment & change my insurance to the same company as my house ---that frees up almost a "G" of Cash that I was paying to someome else...now I do not have habits..so that also doesn't eat up my dough!.....BUT,I just did order p90x b/c I cancelled my gym membership...so Imma be buff come my high school reunion in July!!!! Have a good weekend. Thanks craig..& remember to puff puff pass!!...since u go tthe good quality, don't be stingy w/ your girl!!!

Keefe said...

B, it's not like that. Today is friday and I aint got shit to do!

Well ...... I do have a ton of items left on my "to do" list. But I'm ignoring them.

Keefe said...

Phillygirl,

I was thinking about that P90x because I canceled my gym membership too. Let me know how it works.

Brooke said...

you shady right about now Keefe, REAL shady! LOL!

Annamaria said...

Brooke: Let me know if you wanna borrow a sisters taser! I'm warming it up right now just in case! :)

Keefe said...

Annamaria, there you go!!!! Always talkin' about tasing somebody. :-)

Annamaria said...

Yeah cause if I'm not thinking about tasing someone then something is wrong! :)

The Fury said...

These are very serious economic times when Craig has to choose a weed man based on more than proximity. It reminds me of back when I was between jobs and had to ration condoms.

"Sorry sweetheart we can't do this anymore because frankly Magnum XLs are too expensive to be using on your lame ass. And for real do you think you just laying there is exciting? Now if you wanna buy them..." LOL

Suze Orman bugs me. Here is a multi-millionaire telling me how to spend my money. can she get a sidekick? Someone that knows what it's like to NOT have money in 2009 and how to make it stretch. Sorry Suze, but if I "find $50 to put in my retirement account" I won't have lights. LOL I do like when she tells people they can't afford to buy stuff. It's kinda sexy. LOL

Brooke said...

I like Suze Orman...and the fact that she's a millionnaire tells me she knows something about making money! LOL!! She wasn't ALWAYS a millionnaire, and she didn't inherit the money. I find her advice to be helpful. And not for nothing, every book I read by other people who AREN'T millionnaires like her all say the same thing. I like when she tells people she can't afford stuff too, because I'm the one watching her on Oprah like "buy it!"... meanwhile she's like "NO...and here's why..." She makes me think of things I never considered before.

I have a few different financial advice books I read and use to brush up on for help. In these times, no one's job is secure, so we need to be really smart...even with the weed man :-)

Craig n 'em said...

I don't wanna' hear no more of this Suze Orman shit. I'd be impressed if she became a millionaire off the fact that she saved. She's a millionaire because she is on TV telling YOU how to save.

SUZE: Caller you're on the air.

Caller: Um, yeah...Hello?

SUZE: Yes, you're on the air. We can hear you. (In her head..."fucking idiot, what's your question?..."

Caller: Hi, I'm Brad from Birmingham.

SUZE: Yes, Brad.

Caller: Yeah, so...I'm in debt $20,000.

SUZE: Oh Brad. How did that happen?

Caller: Well, Suze.

SUZE:Um, Ms. Orman to you...

Caller: Right. So I married my girlfriend of 6 months. It was love at first sight! I paid for the wedding and honeymoon.

SUZE: Why didn't her family help, Brad?

Caller: Well, She's from Belize and she said that in their country, its custom for the groom to pay for the wedding and honeymoon.

SUZE: Well, where was the wedding held?

Caller: Vegas...

SUZE: Hmmm. I see...

Caller: Now, my wife left me. She says that I've changed. She says she doesn't know me anymore.

Suze pauses....She thinks...

SUZE: Was she a citizen before she married you?

Caller: Um, no.

SUZE: Do you consider youself a good looking man, Brad?

Caller: Well...

SUZE: Thats a no and is your wife pretty?

Caller: Oh Suze...

SUZE: Ms. Orman..

Caller: Ms. Orman, she's beautiful! So whaddya think?

SUZE: I think she's now officially an American and you Brad, are officially an idiot.

Caller: But...

Suze hangs up...


Her ass ain't get rich from saving. So cut that shit out. Ana, Taze that blonde carpet muncher! Can't stand her Sally Jesse Raphael lookin' ass.

Annamaria said...

I GOT YOUR BACK CRAIG!!!

TAKE THAT SUZE!!! BBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Rene The Harlemite said...

What up Y'all?!

Annamaria and Georgia Peach-When has Craig had serios blog post???...LOL!

Craig, upgrade to the purple haired indiga. Glad you are back.

Brooke-You have a lot of changes going on over there. That's great!

This is always a good time to reinvent yourself or aspects of your life and also be clear on your needs and wants.

"Create Opportunites and Solutions and not Dwell Problems and Shortcomings"

That's the QUOTE OF THE DAY! lol!

Rene The Harlemite said...

That was funny Craig!!!

Brooke said...

She is successful because she gives sound financial advice, and I'm not mad at someone becoming a millionnaire by writing a book. Read her bio, chick has been broke in her life and learned how to invest. She's taking what she learned to help other people. She's a financial advisor who happens to be on tv and sells book - can't knock the hustle!

Craig n 'em said...

SUZE: Um, we have an ANDRE on the air?

Caller: Yo...

SUZE: Yes, Andre..What state are you coming from?

Caller: Brooklyn.

SUZE:Um, okay. Brooklyn's not exactly a state but...

Caller: Wha?

SUZE: Soooo, Andre from Brooklyn. What seems to be the problem?

Caller: Okay, so my aunt sells me these wic cards right? Hundred dollar wic cards but I get 'em for fifty. Ya feel me?

SUZE: Uh, if you mean do I understand you...then yes. I feel you.

Caller: Aiiiight. So now, Titi gonna call me up talking bout she know somebody that wants to pay her seventy dollars for the wic card. She tryin' to play me! Now she trying to play that economy on me, feel me? Bumpin that thing up 20 beans.

SUZE: 20 beans? This isn't a cooking show, Andre.

Caller: Wha?

SUZE: Nothing...Sounds like supply and demand to me.

Caller: Exactly! Like when I know the streets is low on that THANG. I may sell my dimes off as dubs..Ya feel me? I just give the shit a different name..like, yo son, I got that SOUR DIESEL! Or the new thing is...Yo, I got that "LOST"...You ever seen that show Suze? That show will fuck your head up!

SUZE: What?! Hell yeah, that's my show! I love Kate. I wanna bite her.

Caller: What the fuck?

SUZE: Did you have a fucking point Andre?

Caller: How the fuck I convince this bitch to give me wic cards for the same price?

SUZE: Well, does she like that "LOST"?

Caller: Hell, her lips blacker than mines..

SUZE: Then what you can do is offer her the usual fifty dollars along with a DUB of that LOST. This is called Bartering.

Caller: Ahhhhhh. Okay, Okay. I feel you Suze. You that bitch!

SUZE: I know this.

Brooke said...

I would TOTALLY watch Suze Orman everyday if her exchanges were like that! LOL!!

Amanda said...

CRAIG!!!!! You're back! Back in my Verde days I would ALWAYS go for the fluffy pillow, Homie ;-) Because I figured out that concept a decade and a half ago...and that Suze Orman convo...freakin' hilarious!

Amanda said...

Brooke - So true! You know I love Suze Orman and even more after she was so freakin' nice to me.

Brooke said...

Oh that's right! You bumped into her on the street! I need to get her new book :)

Amanda said...

yup, right when the book club was reading "women and money"

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