Friday, February 6, 2009

He's Just Not That Into You

TGIF like a mug! This week has been brutal for me. I'm SO glad to see the weekend!

B's Ol' Skool Jammy Jam is tonight! You have no idea how much I'ma let loose at this joint! I NEED this party! Just to give you an idea of what I'm talking about:



Gonna be ig'nant off da hook!

Okay...now. Monica and I went to see the new movie He's Just Not That Into You last night. Now most of you may think this is strictly a chick flick, but I think everyone would enjoy it. It was funny and cute, I was definitely entertained. Here's a clip:



The movie touched upon all the lies we tell ourselves, the friends who co-sign our dysfunctional way of thinking and basically how we get in our own way when it comes to finding love or dealing with relationships. It was also about recognizing that a good thing could be right under your nose and you not even see it - You may miss it because you're chasing after someone who isn't really good for you. I enjoyed the movie because there were so many things in it I could relate to: Why didn't he call? I thought we vibed? What does he want now? ;) or Stop calling me! LOL!

Telling yourself, or allowing yourself to believe, that he or she just may NOT be that into you can be a hard pill to swallow. Our ego is bruised. We wonder what's wrong with us. Instead, we should just realize that we're not always going to be everyone's cup of tea and get over ourselves. We move on faster and we don't waste precious time. Knowing what you want means being honest with yourself. Try not to see what you WANT to see, but instead trust your instincts, slow down and pay attention.

I know...easier said than done right? especially when someone may not be upfront or honest about their feelings or intentions. It also isn't easy to do when we're really feeling someone. We want them to like us back so bad that we sometimes catch a vibe that isn't really there. In the movie, one of the female characters had a male friend who would break down a man's cryptic language for her.

HIM: "When he says it was nice meeting you, that means he's not gonna call you."

HER: "What if it really means it really WAS nice meeting me?"

HIM: "..it means he has no interest in seeing you again."

HER: "or...it could mea...."

HIM: "Stop, he's not gonna call you, get over it!"

OUCH!

But you know what? I wish more men were that forthcoming. I have a few male friends who are straight up and blunt, but most of them don't wanna share anything from the MAN Secret Handbook so we don't get hip to their tricks! :) But all you really need is ONE good, male friend (who isn't gay) to break this language down for you so it can forever and consistently be broke!

So...which one of my male bloggers wants to be that man today? Are any of you willing to share with us a couple clues, hints or anecdotes on how to tell if a man just really isn't into you? I know it's different for all men, so I'd love to get all your opinions on this. Ladies, do you have any words of wisdom that you'd like to share that were given to you by your trusty homeboy?

As Princess would say, SPREAD LOVE - or in this case...some KNOWLEDGE! Don't worry, we'll return the favor in a future blog :-)

Have an AWESOME weekend everyone!

-b

30 comments:

Georgia Peach said...

I'm first! YEAH...Annamaria put that taser down now girl. Early bird gets the worm and my ass is up early today.

Brooke thanks for this topic. I've been batting this around lately because of my current dating campaign. I'm trying to step back from my ego throughout my social experiment and realize that there are just some people who aren't interested in me personally; but that there are more out there who are... (even if they are crazy stalkers).

So... I'll check this movie out and try to keep in mind that even though they might not be into me, I also have the choice of who I'm into. I'm looking forward to hear some of the insights of men on this board today.

Annamaria said...

Georgia: BBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Anyways...Now I can comment: Honestly I think that everyone should stop looking for tricks & games to dating. If you approach it like that I have a hard time seeing it blossoming into a relationship. Ladies & Men just be HONEST with yourself with what you want out of a relationship & let's just be upfront about it from day 1. Not only will you be saving the other person some potentially wasted time BUT you save you from wasting your time also.

The Black Cloud said...

I agree with Annamaria. Also, I think women spend way more time trying to translate the behavior of men when they really don't need to. Because SOME women seem to have such complex natures and have so many nuances and read between the lines behavioral patterns, they assume the men they deal with are the same.

Quite often, the simplest explanation is the right answer...and that doesn't mean the simplest answer that you create because you're effected by your own thought pattern (ie. low self-esteem, shyness, stalkerism). Just the simplest most logical answer.

He didn't call you back? He didn't like the way you treated the waitress at dinner and think you're stank! YOU saw how you kept nit-picking at her ass! LOL

Brooke said...

Well, you're assuming an answer was given. In the movie, some of the men and women seemed to have a great time at the date. The man says, "I had a great time, I'll call you tomorrow." Then he doesn't. Okay...so the question becomes "why didn't he call?" You're assuming there is a simple answer for it. Yes, the answer may be simply that he's really not feeling you...but I think what frustrates men and women is the fact that someone said they were going to do something they had no intention of doing.

And it happened to one of the men in the film too. He was sitting by the phone waiting for a girl to call him back who said "I'll call you RIGHT back" and she never did. Yet she would allow him to come over a wash her hair, rub her feet and pamper her...then she would leave. He wondered why she didn't want more of a real relationship. Was it because he stroked her ego? she was stringing him along? or she just wasn't really into him.

I don't think it's always about games and tricks, so much as it's about becoming more in tune with the signals we give each other and weeding thru all the bullsh*t out there. You can have the best intentions, but if someone isn't being upfront with you and they APPEAR sincere, then it's harder to navigate. Some folks are great actors, without even knowing it. Yes, there may be a simple answer, but that's assuming someone asked the question and someone is willing to give you that simple answer.

Annamaria said...

Brooke: I agree with you 100%. Bottom line people are playing too many games. BE UPFRONT. If you aren't feeling someone DON'T SAY I'll CALL YOU. Say I had a lovely time & leave it at that. If you just want to F*ck say I'm just not looking for a committed relationship I just want to date or something to that effect. If you lay your cards out on the table from day one there isn't much room for misinterpretation. Unfortunatley NOT alot of people are upfront about their shit these days.

momo925 said...

Yaaaye its FRIDAY!!

Ok so the movie was funny and it was interesting to see things from the male perspective. What is even funnier is that at some point I have either said some of those things to myself or to my friends and vice versa! lol Maybe he's scared of commitment, he just got out of a long term relationship, he's never been in a long term relationship, he wants to commit but doesnt know how, he's working a lot so he doesn't have time. Oh the things we rationalize to escape the truth that HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU are laughable. Looking into gestures, simple staements, what he meant by this, what he meant by that, when the truth is....its just NOT that deep lol. I think that the need to analyze things is inate in women and therefore makes things more complicated than they have to be. Instead of analyzing, we end up OVERanalyzing when the answer is simple. If he's not calling you or trying to see you, its not because of anything else other than the fact that he doesn't want to. It's a hard gut punch to the ego but hey what can you do? Keep it moving and find someone else that interests you. T

momo925 said...

I agree that people should be honest but I think here lies the problem with being honest. You tell someone "hey I don't see you as boyfriend/girlfriend material, I just want you to come over,rub my feet, massage me...make me feel sexy... you know? do all the things my boyfriend/girlfriend would do whenever I need a shoulder to lean on but I don't really want to be with you like that...I just think your nice and you'll never have a chance at being my woman/man". They will tell you to eat shit and die! lol

Funny how someone, male or female, could get away with all of that just leaving the truth unsaid. This is where the other person's interpretation comes in... "he/she must care about me...he/she always calls me when they need me. I massage her/him...we sleep together... talk...no sex...but isn't that more intimate? connecting on an emotional level instead of a physical level...maybe he/she's just not ready...it will happen soon."

Now unsaid truths turn into one person getting their cake an eat it too. It's not fair but it happens ALL the time because unless you both feel the same way about each other there will always be 1) the person who knows it will NEVER go anywhere but doesn't mind YOU doing things for them and 2)the person who HOPES its going somewhere and doesn't mind doing them.

Brooke said...

I agree...which is why I asked the men to give us some hints. Men could hints about what we say and mean too. It goes both ways, but I'm simply asking the men this time around since that movie opens today. It's not to imply all men are dishonest or deceitful, it's about asking the REAL men out there to help is see what they see easier than we do.

The funny thing about what we tell our girls is sometimes they make it hard for us to be honest with them. I've told my friends that "he just doesn't like you" before and they got mad at me. Who wants to hear that sh*t? No one. So in trying to be encouraging and hopeful, we tell them what they want to hear...which doesn't do them any good. I guess it's all about tact, but a lot of us could use some tough love every now and again.

Georgia Peach said...

I have definitely said I'd call someone after a date when I really didn't mean it. It's not even about playing games for me either it's more about just saying something polite to get out of the situation - you know?

Brooke and Momo I definitely agree with what you're saying. I think that we don't necessarily mean to play these games, but we just sort of fall into it by not cutting off the little physical intimacies because we're not getting it elsewhere and want/need that sort of connection. Brooke you're right no one wants to hear that the guy isn't into them, but sometimes it's just the truth. I know I've had my moments where I realize I'm just not that into a guy, but to be nice I'll continue to take his calls, go out etc.

I don't take any of the movie too seriously, but it is interesting to hear the dialogue on this subject.

Brooke said...

with the exception of Dre, it's like crickets in here with the men :-) LOL!!

phillygrl said...

This is the perfect example of someone right under your nose...I used to date this guy in high school..the PERFECT GENTLEMAN..on footboall team, worked out, great body & looks perosnality, great family, etc...now I WAS the Social butterfly that I was was like..oh he's great, but still seeing other people, hanging out, etc..I was a party animal literally until abt 4 years ago.i was on every list,& VIP room, etc... out every night, etc..so even in high school I was like yeah he's my boyfriend, but you know that dude from the next school is cute too!!..

Anyway, YEARS later, I was like (after some soul searching) , what happened to him?..we went to college not to far from one another, I remember going ot his school when he was on line,& seeing him, etc.. etc.., but after that...no contact... for YEARS & didn't know anyone in same circles anymore

i'd heard through the grapevine he was married a while back, etc.. LONG STORY SHORT..he found me on Facebook LAST NIGHT....divorced 3 years ago.....moved back"around the way"...sooo..hmmm..I'm thinking we need to LINK up!!

but yeah, I do think sometimes people are right under your nose & you are too busy, trying to be FLY to notice the good ones!!!:-) Well..im still trying to be FLY, but now I know better!! to this DAY,,my grandmother still says What happened to "so & so"?..he was always such a nice guy!....... Have a good weekend everyone!

Annamaria said...

WORD.... Last week we had 900 comments about Craig's stinky fried egg story but when you try to talk about something serious they ain't got nothing to say!!! LOL

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

nice blog hit me up one day
have a great weekend and chk my RDB

Georgia Peach said...

I was just thinking that Brooke and Annamaria...what's the deal they don't want to share the secrets?

Go head Philly Girl...I hear you. Go get your man!

The Black Cloud said...

Perhaps, I can get a clearer idea of your question. Can you rephrase it?

I gave an answer and you pretty much told me I was wrong when I told you that there's really no secret decoder because there's really no man code. There's a man LAW, but not a secret dialect...

ok there is a man dialect, but it's usually eye motions to tell you to look at some girl's butt when other women are around. LOL

I didn't see the movie so my answers won't be based on it, but there's no telling what people that LIE are thinking. That's what happens sometimes. People straight up lie. "I'll call you" ...no call ever. These things happen on both sides.

(shrug) trying to hold it down for an entire gender here....

Brooke said...

Okay, well then let me change it up a bit. Since we can't go by what people say since that could be anything, let me ask a question based on actions. Again, knowing that not all men are the same Dre, tell us a couple ways we know a man IS into us. For example, a male friend of mine told me that if a man offers to help you do something without you asking, then he's into you. And not just offering here or there, but all the time, without expecting anything in return. He doesn't say, "I'll help you move if you cook me dinner." He simply asked you if you need help moving, or mowing your lawn, or putting something together for you, or washing your car. He just does it and that's it.

Can you think of any more?

The Black Cloud said...

Actually the move or cook dinner bit is still a sign he may like you, but doing it sans payback is a good sign.

If he goes shopping with you and is NOT gay. I mean stands around doing nothing while you're trying on clothes and not even modeling for HIM. He may be interested in you.

If he listens intently while you complain about that b!tch at work (told you that b!tch was crazy!) He may be interested in you.

He shows up to any and EVERY event you throw and is the last person to leave, but lingers long enough to get your last hug...he may be interested in you.

But remember, sex is a MAJOR factor. I've seen men do ANYTHING to have sex. I know a guy that acted like he was a different religion to get it.

Brooke said...

oh damn! Sex made him change Gods? Ridiculous...and desperate!

E. Payne said...

Here's a tip from a man: One of the easiest ways to tell if a man is checking for you is in his concern for your affairs. So let's say you are in school. The question isn't, "How's school going?" but rather "How did you do on that _____ test?" or "When you get your degree I know someone who can..." Basically what I'm saying is that the man is listening to you, not just skimming for common interests, and is actually interested in the details of your life. About 12 years ago an old player told me the way to woman's heart is to talk to her about her not just run off at the mouth about your own resume. This advice has served me well over the years and I've been able to identify when I see or hear others doing it. Women light up when you speak to them and their situation. This shouldn't only be limited to men, but since that's the subject for the day, that is where I'm leaving it.

Georgia Peach said...

Interesting perspective Cloud... I think what you say is pretty on point. That must be some damn good sex to change your religion over it...

Georgia Peach said...

E! That is really quite true. I agree with you wholeheartedly that it is about listening/responding to our situations. I have to work on putting that one back into practice myself.

Cable Guy said...

If a guy can talk to you without sex poppin up in the conversation every other second, then he may like you. Shows its not the only thing on his mind. And if he looks you in your eyes and not your breasts. I know that may seem simple, but trust me...not easy if she got some jugs or a fat ass! We may still look, we just don't stare! lol

The Black Cloud said...

E. Payne!!! Thank you for stepping in with a great point! Definitely agree with that. That's very true.

See how y'all confused what I said? I said ACTED like he changed religions. Like "yo, I saw you on Jamaica Ave wearing a bowtie?"

"Oh yeah, that chick is in the Nation Of Islam so..."

(Shaking My Head)

Now the test is, does he know the teachings?? That goes to what E. Payne said. Concern and details. You'll be able to see through the majority of fake players just by the questions and concern they display.

Brooke said...

I didn't confuse what you said, I knew what you meant, I was tryna make a joke...guess it didn't work.

Great point E! I can definitely tell when a man is making small talk vs. when he's genuinely listening. Good one.

Rameer said...

I read this whole blog...y'all lookin' too deep. I don't deal with people who play games, run game, or are "in the game"...lol! I'm very straight up, and only deal with people who are the same way. I just don't have the tolerance.

When I was at the 'Cuse, I was known for droppin'dime on what men mean think and mean on certain things - but honestly, it was usually pretty obvious. Women just tend to over-analyze or apply their own standards or thoughts on to it. I would be like "he's macking". They would be like "but why is he calling me, then? Telling me he wants to be with me?" I'd be like "CUZ HE'S MACKING!!!" Lol...

I don't know how to break down any "code" without specific questions. However, my advice to all - don't deal with game players. The first sign of flakiness, extreme secretiveness or reclusivity, or running game - cut his ass back.

There's an old saying - "if there's any doubt, then there's no doubt". Meaning, if walk into a situation with a lot of questions and doubts, just remove yourself from the situation - cuz it probably won't get any better. That quote has served me very well over the years. I have no tolerance for game players.

Sorry for the lateness, Brooke - I've been busy all day - and I won't even get a chance to respond again. Wish I could...

:-(

Brooke said...

Thanks Rameer! I was wondering where you were - I knew you'd have something to drop on us :-)

I realize that men and women tend to over-analyze, so I guess I was looking more for insight that could help us to not do so. But like I said in the blog, it's about trusting insticts and paying attention. Sometimes we all make things much harder than they need to be, even though relationships can be complex. The trick I guess is figuring out what requires a closer look and what doesn't.

The movie was funny because it gives the audience a chance to see what they may do or have done in the past. Always different when you see someone else do it vs. yourself - even in a movie :)

Rene the Harlemite said...

I think that you really know when someone likes you or not. Whether you can accept the fact is another topic.

The game factor is a bit rediculous. I don't deal with them. Most of the in the game playing both people lose even though someone may think that they won.

Yes, there becomes too much over analyzing what someone says. Just take it as black and white and dont read into it.

In people not calling when they should or at all is an integrity conversation which a whole other topic that is not just dealing with dating.

A tip: Men and women need to become better listeners. If you have a conversation and listened to what they person has been telling you, you would be speculting or wondering something. You would already know the answer...

Brooke said...

I don't always think it's so obvious to know when someone likes you or not. If you don't come out tell someone, they may not always know. No one should have to guess, and if you can't tell someone straight up, then you don't really like them.

Like I said...and what Dre said, sometimes people put on an act to make you think you like them when they really have other motives. I'm sure the girl who got dude acting like he was a bowtie wearing Muslim thought he liked her too...when really it was about sex. Sometimes you really don't know.

Everyone on this blog can say "stop playing games" or "I don't play games" - but truth is, we've all been there. The question isn't about do "you" play games - the question is about how can you recognize when game is being played on you? Most women wouldn't think someone would go so far as to act like he's a Muslim when he isn't just to get sex - but clearly it happens.

I applaud Glee and Monica for saying that they see the things they've done in the past or may still be even doing now that contribute to relationship problems. We're so busy trying to appear clever and smart when it comes to relationships that we don't want to admit to having been vulnerable before in our lives.

Thanks for all the insight today from the men on some of the things men do to show us they may be into us. It's about educating and helping each other out. I love it when my male friends tell me what to look out for instead of telling me I'm silly for not knowing something. That's why I ask questions, it's how I learn. I have guy friends who'll be like "well I'm not like that." My response is: "we ain't talking about you man!" We can sit here all day and say what we aren't, or what we don't do...but it's more productive to tell someone how you can help and give some insight. Thank you for all the advice given today.

Anonymous said...

As far as I'm concerned there isn't a general rule of thumb to this. Guys like girls in diff ways. Same w/ women. But there are deff signs that tell how much a person liks u. & to me this whole thing is a game. If eveything was vanilla & plain & direct, we'd all be bored out of our minds. So just kinda have fun w/ it.

Generally speaking it's very easy to tell when a man "really" wants a woman.... nothing on planet earth will stop him from getting to u. ( did u get that girls) Whe a man wants a woman...he will stop @ nuthing to have her.no excuse will be large enough to hinder his mission.

On the other hand when things are "allowed" to get in the way. Then a woman is an option in his life that may or may not be more important than other aspects of his life. It all depends on wut he want. Maybe he's focused on career but liks to have someone he can hang w & share moments w/. Maybe he just wants someone to bone when he feeels horny. Maybe he like u b/c of some other factor u bring into his world. The question is whut are "u" looking for & where do ur "desires" match up... But it's good to read between lines. It's also good to look at wut a person demonstrates. (that's wuts most imp 2 me) Everybody knows wut it feels like when someone adores them or is really interested. I say think a little less & feel ur way thru the situation.

Same thing goes for men.... women give clues. But it's easy to tell when a woman s playing a guy to the left. only diff is men don't usually care. We persist. (that's our role in the game.

Brooke said...

I like that! Definitely gave us something to think about, thanks!

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