Friday, January 16, 2009

Good morning my loves!

Two things about today's blog: 1) It's long (but an interesting read) and 2) I didn't write it.

Once I read this article, I decided I'd post it today because I'm curious to get everyone's opinion on this writer's perspective. The topic of relationships, particularly between Black Men and Women, always seems to get a rise out of people - and I don't think this article will disappoint. If you have time, I'd also really love it if you checked out a friend's post titled "How to Love a Black Woman" - which may give the opposite view of this topic. E. Payne's blog is addictive, so show him some love - I hope he'll chime in on this discussion if he has the chance. So here it is, and let's discuss:


"Why Are Black Women Scaring Off Their Men? A Fighting Spirit Is Important - but Not at Home"

The Washington Post
By: Joy Jones


Have you met this woman? She has a good job, works hard, earns a good salary. She went to college, got her master's degree; she is intelligent. She is personable, articulate, well read, interested in everybody and everything. Yet, she's single.

Or maybe you know this one. She is active in the church, faithful, committed. Sings in the choir, serves on the usher board, attends every committee meeting. Loves the Lord and knows the Word. You'd think that with her command of the Scriptures and the respect of her church members, she'd have a marriage as solid as a rock. But again, no husband.

Or perhaps you recognize the community activist. She's a black lady or as she prefers, an African American woman-on the move. She sports a short natural, sometimes cornrow braids, or even dredlocks. She's an organizer, a motivator, a dynamo. Her work for her people speaks for itself- organizing women for a self-help collective, raising funds for a community cause, educating others around a new issue in South Africa. Black folks look up to her, and white folks know she's a force to be reckoned with. Yet once again, the men leave her alone.

What do these women have in common? They have so much; what is it they lack? Why is it they may be able to hook a man but can't hold him? The women puzzle over this quandary themselves. They gather at professional clubs, at sorority meetings or over coffee at the office and wonder what's wrong with black men. They hold special prayer vigils and fast and pray and beg Jesus to send the men back to church. They find the brothers attending political strategizing sessions or participating in protests, but when it comes time to go home, the brothers go home to someone else.

I know these women because I am all of these women. And after asking over and over again "What's wrong with these men?" It finally dawned on me to ask the question, "What's wrong with us women?"

What I have found, and what many of these women have yet to discover, is that the skills that make one successful in the church, community or workplace are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship.

Linear thinking, self-reliance, structured goals and direct action assist one in getting assignments done, in organizing church or club activities, or in positioning oneself for a raise; but relationship building requires different skills. It requires making decisions that not only gratify you, but satisfy others. It means doing things that will keep the peace rather than achieve the goal; and sometimes, it means creating the peace in the first place.

Maintaining a harmonious relationship will not always allow you to take the straight line between two points. You may have to stoop to conquer or yield to win. In too many cases, when dealing with men, you will have to sacrifice being right in order to enjoy being loved.

Being acknowledged as the head of the household is an especially important thing for many black men, since their manhood is so often actively challenged everywhere else. Many modern women are so independent, so self-sufficient, so committed to the cause, to the church, to career-or their narrow concepts of same-that their entire personalities project an "I don't need a man" message. So they end up without one.

An interested man may be attracted, but he soon discovers that this sister makes very little space for him in her life. Going to graduate school is a good goal and an option that previous generations of blacks have not had.

But sometimes the achieving woman will place her boyfriend so low on her list of priorities that his interest wanes. Between work, school and homework, she's seldom "there" for him, for the preliminaries that might develop a commitment to a woman.

She's too busy to prepare him a home-cooked meal or to be a listening ear for his concerns because she is so occupied with her own. Soon he uses her only for uncommitted sex since-to him-she appears unavailable for anything else. Blind to the part she's playing in the problem, she ends up thinking, "Men only want one thing." Thus she decides she's better off with the degree than the friendship. When she's 45, she may wish she'd set different priorities while she was younger. It's not just the busy career girl who can't see the forest for the trees.

A couple I know were having marital troubles. During one argument, the husband confronted the wife and asked what she thought they should do about the marriage, what direction they should take. She reached for her Bible and turned to Ephesians. "I know what Paul says and I know what Jesus says about marriage," he told her. "What do you say about our
marriage?" Dumbfounded, she could not say anything. Like so many of us, she could recite the Scriptures but could not apply them to everyday living. Before the year was out, the husband had filed for divorce.

Women who focus on civil rights or community activism have vigorous, fighting spirits and are prepared to do whatever, whenever, to benefit black people. That's good. That's necessary. But it needs to be kept in perspective. It's too easy to save the world and lose your man. A fighting spirit is important on the battlefield, but a gentler spirit is wanted on the home front.

Too many women are winning the battle and losing the home. Sometimes in our determined efforts to be strong believers and hard workers, we contemporary women downplay, denigrate or simply forget our more traditional feminine attributes.

Men value women best for the ways we are different from them, not the ways we are the same. Men appreciate us for our grace and beauty. Men enjoy our softness and see it as a way to be in touch with their tender side, a side they dare not show to other men.

A hard-working woman is good to have on your committee. But when a man goes home, he'd prefer a loving partner to a hard worker. It's not an easy transition for the modern black woman to make. It sounds submissive, reactionary, outmoded, oppressive. We have fought so hard for so many things, and rightfully so. We have known so many men who were shaky, jive and untrustworthy. Yet we must admit that we are shaky, jive and willful in our own ways.

Not having a husband allows us to do whatever we want, when and how we want to do it. Having one means we have to share the power and certain points will have to be surrendered. We are terrified of marriage and commitment - yet dread the prospect of being single and alone. Throwing ourselves into work seems to fill the void without posing a threat. But like any other drug, the escape eventually becomes the cage.

To make the break, we need to do less and "be" more. I am learning to "be still and know," - to be trusting. I am learning to stop competing with black men and to collaborate with them, to temper my assertive and aggressive energy with softness and serenity. I'm not preaching a philosophy of "women should be seen and not heard." But I have come to realize that I - and many of my smart and independent sisters - are out of touch with our feminine center and, therefore, out of touch with our men.

About a year ago, I was at an oldies-but-goodies club. As a native Washingtonian, I love to do the bop and the hand-dance styles that were popular when I was a teen.

In those dances, the man has his set of steps and the woman has hers, but the couple is still two partners and must move together. On this evening, I was sitting out a record when a thought came to me. If a man were to say, "I'm going to be in charge and you're going to follow. I want you to adjust your ways to fit in with mine" - I'd dismiss him as a Neanderthal. With my hand on my hip, I'd tell him that I have just as much sense as he does and that he can't tell me what to do. Yet, on the dance floor, I love following a man's lead. I don't feel inferior or feel I have to prove that I'm just as able to lead as he is. I simply allow him to take my hand, and I go with the flow.

I am still single. I am over 30 and scared. I am still a member of my church, have no plans to quit my good government job and will continue to do what I can for my people. I think that I have a healthy relationship with a good man. But today, I know that I have to bring some of that spirit of the dance into my relationship.

Dancing solo - I've mastered that. Now I'm learning how to accept his lead, and to go with the flow.

All men dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.
__________________
I am a woman, I make mistakes. I make them often. God has given me a talent and that's it. ~ Jill Scott

Okay, let's hear it!

-b

44 comments:

Annamaria said...

I'm not going to lie I haven't read the blog yet(sorry Nicole I know you hate that.LOL) but I wanted to say Happy 34th Birthday to Serena!!!! :) Ok I will go back & read now!!
TGIF everyone!!!!

Brooke said...

I was about to say! How did ANYONE read that long ass article so fast! Had to be you Annamaria :-)

Happy Birthday to Serena!

Annamaria said...

NOW I think this could be a sticky topic just because I feel that black women are kinda stereotyped & lumped in a category here...I mean when why is acceptable for a white woman to get married & have kids in her 40's??? Why is it that when a white woman acts like this she is ambitious & a go getter & gets unconditional support & love from her family.. BUT when black or hispanic women do this it's a bad thing??? Shoot I can't tell you how many times I've already heard "it's about time" when I've told people I'm pregnant... EXCUSE ME for waiting til I felt like it was the right time & I was in the right relationship & stable???

NOW with all that being said I can give you what I have heard from quite a few black men...
Austin is divorced & his ex wife is black. Of course him & I had the conversation about what happened. The first thing he said was also written in this article. She did not allow me to be a man. He also did mention the church thing. She is a pastors daughter & he did make sure he embraced the church more when they started dating...BUT she was one that also can recite scripture but didn't know how to live by it. She could tell him the role of a husband & a wife as the good book said BUT didn't act accordingly. She never tried to fulfill that roll for him & was too busy keeping up appearances & trying to LOOK like the perfect family instead of making them a strong family. He has a few friends that are divorced also and that also seems to be their main complaint.
NOW it can be VERY hard to find that balance. I have been on my own doing my own thing since I was 19 years old. And it was EXTREMELY hard to allow him to enter my life & be man & me "be the woman". I was very used to taking care of myself & handling my own sh*t. BUT what he has taught me is that I don't have to stop doing all of that to be in a relationship.. I just have to find a way to find that balance or happy medium. I'm still very independant & very headstrong & VERY OUTSPOKEN as most of you know & he allows me to be that way because that is ME.. BUT as Brooke has witnessed. I also fit into "the traditional" woman role & LOVE IT. I love cooking & taking care of the house & making sure everything is done. We sit down as a family & eat dinner together. We have our little family traditions. etc etc...
Not saying this is for everyone BUT I guess it's just a matter of finding yourself & then finding that partner that makes you want to be a better YOU while making you a BETTER couple at the same time.

Peggy said...

Let me start off by saying that I like the way she concluded her article.
Black women get a bad wrap and so many sterotypes are placed on her/them/me...it's really annoying.
I'm aware of them, but I don't wear them.
We all (human kind) have faults, not just black women. The world is so hard on us and we're so hard on ourselves.
God-willing when we know better we do better. Of course this and all things start with loving oursleves truly and deeply. Being good and gentle to/with ourselves...and knowing ourselves.
When it comes to relationships and men, Amanda helped realize that I don't know NOTHING. All I know is myself and that's it. I say that to say, I won't be commenting on the relationsip aspect.

Annamaria, I love your final words:
"Not saying this is for everyone BUT I guess it's just a matter of finding yourself & then finding that partner that makes you want to be a better YOU while making you a BETTER couple at the same time."

Peggy said...

Oh and Happy Birthday Serena W
God bless you and enjoy your day!

Rameer said...

I'll be honest. I'm pretty sure this article is a reprint of some kind...cuz I remember reading something extremely similar back in '08...but that doesn't really matter.

I live in Buffalo, NY, which, for those who know, probably has one of the worst relationship dynamics for people of color in the entire country. I'm not joking. There are a lot of reasons for this; I won't get into even half of them. I say that because living in this environment and just naturally being who I am, it gives me a good perspective on relationships and what faults both sides play in the disharmony.

I'm literally someone who has had 3 actual girlfriends in life. Oh, I've dated and "messed" with plenty of women like any man. But I have always been extremely hesitant to commit to the one-on-one thing, because I've always observed everyone's else's relationships and used that to gauge what I want/need in a relationship. And I'm very stubborn - if I don't get it, I don't bother putting on the label and exerting the time or effort.

I admire the writer for taking a look at the part that Black women play in this problem without resorting to bashing either men or women. But I truly don't think it's as simple as "oh, you're ambitious and focused, and that's why you can't get a man". I'm extremely attracted to women who have it going on and are going for theirs, and I've never been that dude to be like "you make more money than me/are further along in your career than me - I'm intimidated". Personally, I think those type of dudes have security issues. I want to pull my weight and do my thing too, but have no issues with a woman who is focused.

I agree that the writer brings up great points - women DO need to make time for their men, and many Black women do need to lower their walls to allow love in. But I don't believe that a great majority of good Black women are simply just trudging ahead with blinders on pushing Black men away. There are a lot of factors that are hurting Black women today - lack of suitable mates (i.e. on a comparable level in important aspects), prison, homosexuality, and - this is the major one I've been screaming about since I graduated - the feminization of the American male, and the subsequent role-reversal of women playing the traditional man's role. This is ESPECIALLY prevalent in the black and Latin communities.

People laughed when Puffy coined the phrase "bitchassness", but they have no idea how right he was and how deep of a topic it can be.

In summary, I think she made some good points that can be subscribed to some good Black women, but not all or even a majority. There are other faults that Black women have, and many faults that black men have. The end result is the dynamic is f**ked up, and I honestly don't know how or if it can be repaired on a large scale with a respected, mobilizing figure that inspires people to listen.

The only person I can think of that can hold every man & woman's attention completely and inspire them to listen is Barack Obama...think he would ever do a national address on the topic? I'd be willing to write his speech...lol!

Just a lil' food for thought. Y'all do the dishes...

Brooke said...

Annamaria, Peggy, loved both of your responses. I hvaen't posted my comment to this article yet because I'm still trying to navigate my thoughts. I can see BOTH sides of this issue so clearly that to argue for or against either is making my head spin. I have so much to say about this article that I feel like my comment would be another blog in and of itself (big surprise right? LOL!)

I was hoping to insert some aspects of my response after the comments that I receive from you all so that it doesn't come off as long asn it's going to - but I realized by doing that, I may sound contradictory since I can understand and argue both sides of this coin. I think I'm going to just have to suck it up, and torture you all some more :-) and list my comment after I gather my thoughts into one coherent one.

So give me a few, this is harder than I thought it was going to be. I'll try to keep it as short as possible tho, I promise!

Brooke said...

Rameer, I don't know when this article was published - someone sent it to me over the holiday's, so it definitely could be an '08 article. I just remember reading it and thinking it would be a good topic for discussion.

I loved your response. I'll be back with more in a bit.

Malek said...

Well, I don't know about you Annamaria, but when I was reading this blog at first I felt reluctant to comment because I feel that what she said was right....And I have found that when I was single and some of my friends were married, I didn't get the concept of marriage and how a relationship on that level worked. When I got married and fell into a more "traditional" family lifestyle, I thought I was only one...Then I realized that a lot of my married friends were in that same role as I was. Then that;s when I started to see how marriage worked.... I did not feel that me nor my married friends were less of a woman because we took care of our man, as a matter of fact I felt we were stronger...It takes a lot to work in a relationship that requires work. Compromise, give and take, always thinking about what is best for two people rather than one...ect....ect...
But all I have to say is in a marriage or relationship you have to remember that as it says in the Qur'an Your are your husbands garment and he is yours....

Annamaria said...

Nicole I agree with you 150%!!! I love the last thing you said! It was an excellent quote! :)

Malek said...

I'm getting ready for Jummah(Friday Prayers) I'll be back hopefully...(Husbands off today!!!yeah finally)

Peggy said...

Nicole, I like that quote from the Qur'an "You are your husbands garment and he is yours". Nice!

Brooke said...

I loved that quote too Nicole, LOVED IT!

(*taking long breath*)…okay, here we go.

I agree with Rameer. This isn’t a Black Woman, Black Man issue…this is a Black relationships issue. Living, breathing relationships can be dissected over and over again, and we may still never know the answer to why our relationships succeed or fail.

We can’t make sweeping generalizations of Black men or women. It just can’t be done. Many of our relationships suffer grave consequences due to a wide variety of reasons. However, a number of studies show that most of those reasons have to do with one thing: expectations.

Both men and women enter relationships with wants and needs, yet we rarely discuss those wants and needs with a possible significant other early enough, or at all. The article paints a picture that women have A LOT of wants and needs…and we DO! (I hope this doesn’t come off wrong…I may pay for that later) In having a lot of wants and needs, we try to overcompensate for that by trying to be everything ourselves – even if that means trying to be the man AND the woman. We women can be uncomfortable when we feel men don’t know what we want from them, or if we’re unsure about our future with you. It’s important for us to be open and honest and clear about our intentions.

Women can’t be categorized as mean with attitude or hypocritical because we have high expectations (especially when we bring the same things, if not more, to the table) no more than a man can be categorized as a closed-off Neanderthal when he doesn’t understand where we women are coming from.

And where are we coming from? I feel like I’ll get in trouble with this statement, but women really do want everything! When you hear a woman say she wants a loving, caring, smart, attentive, sensitive, financially stable, secure, sexy, funny man who likes to communicate, is gentle yet rugged, decisive yet open, honest and clean with goals and aspirations…she’s telling the truth! But we have to make sure we temper those wants with a good dose of reality so that our expectations aren’t out of reach. We also need to make sure that we’re bringing all that to the table and then some. Because guess what ladies? There ARE men out there who are all those things, and he’ll pass you by if you come at him expecting him to fail at being who YOU want him to be. Women want stability, they want a man to take the lead and be decisive without being overbearing, we want him to be honest with integrity, we want him to be THE MAN. So we should just let him. Rameer says he appreciates women like us, and I think most men do. It means as a responsible and mature man, he has a big task in front of him in loving us. But the good thing is, if he KNOWS us and what we want and need, he will have already won half the battle. He can come to us with his magnificent self and his history of simply being a good guy – one who respects us, respects himself, is responsible and holds himself accountable for his actions, leads by example and has goals and loathes complacency.

To me, it’s simply a case of taking inventory of yourself and making sure you bring the BEST you to the table. We real women have a heart, a mind, emotions, problems, a career, a family, a life and hair that doesn’t always do what we want it to…(and that can be a problem for both of us!) We’re people…just like them. Relationships are hard, period. They take nurturing and they take work. By exploring our spirituality, developing a strong sense of self and character and being willing to do the work together, eventually we can navigate through the fantasy of what we think our expectations are and find what is actually real.

Okay, I think I’ll shut up for the rest of the day now. My head hurts.

Rameer said...

Hip Hop lovers...you know how when you hear that dope-a$$ posse cut, and then one MC starts 2 kick his verse and the the whole rhyme is over - nothing can follow what he just dropped? Like Busta Rhymes on "The Scenario"? Or Redman on EPMD'S "The Headbanger"?

That's essentially what Brooke just did. There's really nothing more to say. Damn you're good, girl!

Game lockdown - with precise, well-thought out, rounded responses like that, you should have your own blog...oh - wait a second...

That was on point, Brooke.






POKE!!!!!

Georgia Peach said...

Wow - this is an interesting article and although I think you're right Annamaria that it has many generalizations there were a few things that I could relate to especially the paragraph about us being afraid of commitment, but also being terrified of single life.

I also agree that this article is really about the dynamic of black relationships, not just black women because I know several black women who have found love in other cultures. Go figure! I also agree that there have definitely been some role reversal issues (at least in my instance) that bother me. I don't want a bitchass in a mate, plain and simple.

That's just my two cents. Thanks Brooke for re-posting this article. Great topic today.

Rene the Harlemite said...

This is a good article. Getting done with the rest of my move and I will post my thoughts.

momo925 said...

Hmmm this is a sticky subject Annamaria. And like you Brooke, I do agree that both sides can be argued. So the question is where do I stand? I see nothing wrong with being strong, independent, outspoken and successful, but does having these qualities mean that you can't keep a man? I feel like men who are intimidated by a woman who isn't needy may not necessarily be worth keeping. In my opinion a man who is easily intimidated by a woman who is successful is a man who is insecure and those insecurities will spill over into the relationship. A woman shouldn't stop her shine so that her man feels like more of a man. To me there is someone out there for everyone and if you feel like you are being all you can be and you love who you are, then the man who fits you will come along eventually.

Although, we each definitley play a role in a relationship (man/woman), I feel like a woman and a man in a relationship should take care of each other. Sometimes we are so caught up in the idea of these "roles" that we play and consistanly use phrases like "that's the man's job/ thats the woman's job". People should understand that sometimes roles change and at the end of the day the both of you make up a "WE". When I can't do...he should do and when he can't do...I should do because the moves we make collectively and seperately are for the advancement of our relationship.

I'm interested to hear more of Rameer's thoughts about the feminization of the American male lol.

Rene the Harlemite said...

Also, Happy Bday to Serena.

Brooke said...

Maybe Rameer can guest blog on that, so hold off on commenting Rameer! HOLD OFF! or just give a snippet of your future guest blog!

And thanks for what you said earlier, that comment took alot of out me! I feel like a DOPE MC now! LOL!

oxtail said...

You know, I've dated a lot of women, mostly black women, but I have had a healthy amount of relationships with "other", and other is the following: white or Jewish, indian, korean, chinese, puerto rican, etc.
Now my dating escapades in the non-black category had NOTHING to do with the following:

1. Black women are too difficult
2. I"m curious about other races
3. I like light-skindid' women.

What I will say is this. Relationships are already a very delicate and tough area to conquer when a man and a women are balancing work, ambition, school and personal baggage. In my view, men and women (irrespective of their race) are very ignorant of some of the most basic matters on building a healthy relationship. Money and beauty have become a bigger priority than things like: How good of a mother or father are you going to be, how righteous or truthful you are, level of compassion, humility, lack of arrogance, and a couple other things that I see are very critical.

The problem is these things are secondary for most people and for the life of me, I have no idea why people believe they can build a relationship without these qualities I just mentioned. The one thing that existed among many of the women I dated was they had a very arrogant nature and self-centeredness, if you will, about them. I want to reiterate, this was not exclusive to black women. I did not see anymore issues with black women than I did with non-black women. The bigger issue was culture. In this country and many other countries, there is a culture of "it' all about me and my worldliness". In Islam it's called nafs (self/ego) and Dunya (this world).

Too many people have become so narcissistic and materially driven, that they leave very little room for the humane, humble, intelligent, and compassionate expression needed for a relationship to thrive. For many, even their sense of spiritually is wrapped up in prosperity and devoid of proper worship. I won't get too deep into the religious angle, but if your spiritual way of life is dysfunctional, it's very likely that many other things are dysfunctional too. I'm not sure people are prepared to make the necessary behavioral and material sacrifices that are needed to build a relationship. People say a lot of things, but their actions and intentions are usually in conflict (way too much cognitive dissonance out there)

phillygrl said...

rameer, I agree..especially abt eh bitchassness part!..not necessarily, on the tip where men cower, or men do not pull thier weight( this is true too), but Im on the simple outward image of men who seem( & maybe this is just philly) a bit too LIKE a wman, concerned with thier hair lines/beards( wering that black & white makeup to make the line perfect) ..too concerned with what clothes they wear( i mean be clean & neat, but guys here seem to go to the extreme & they think it's cool) ..too much gossiping and caring about other peopel, Im like DO YOU, you're a man, be concerned abt your own buisness, life , family, career, etc...too clean/cool to go get a kids ball if it goes in the bushes( gonna get boots/sneaks messed u) ..BS like that REALLY IRKS ME....now..all that said women are not perfect, but since I referred to the bitchassness I figured i'd expound!! HAPPY WEEKEND!..& rameer, one of my best friends spent 4-5 years in buffalo for some educational job/thing, &I can attest to the DROUGHT of suitable people up there( hearing all her woes all the time)..Stay warm! & E-A-G-L-E-S, Eagles!!!:-)

Brooke said...

Oxtail, Now that's a DOPE MC! And hopefully a future guest blogger!

Karen, you are SO RIGHT about the Philly men. And it's even more glaring to me when I come home on weekends since men in NYC are not like that...well, not in that same exact way anyway. But that's a blog for a different day :-)

Annamaria said...

Now not sure if I'm making an assumption here soo excuse me if I am wrong. I didn't just go into little house on the prairie mode & my man just sits there beating his chest!! LMAO
He takes EXCELLENT care of me. Moreso now that I am carrying his child. That man has gone above & beyond to put a smile on my face. I want for nothing. He is loving, affectionate & EXTREMELY SUPPORTIVE!!!! He has been at every doctors appt, he has held my hair up everytime I've gotten sick with morning sickness, has endulged my one or two cravings and when I had to go to the ER in the begining he was right there with me. I would never stop being the strong woman that I am because it would make me miserable & I wouldn't even know how.. All I'm saying is that we've managed to figure out how to strike that happy medium in which I can let him feel like the MAN I asked him to be from day 1.

Anonymous said...

It is a very difficult balancing act considering the social pressures put on black men and women and to an extent there needs to be a definition that both are comfortable with so that somewhat "normal" things arent looked at as being "caveman like" like cooking for your man, or a man wanting to provide for the household even with the success of his significant other or wife

Tanya said...

There were alot of interesting and strong points in this article. Its so deep I have trouble wrapping my mind around it because there are so many causes. I was just talking to my sister yesterday and she was saying how the black family is almost becoming extinct and was wondering if anyone else noticed. To be honest I really dont think black women are scaring off black men. I just think we are making men bring there "A" game and there not stepping up or feel intimidated. I think sometimes women get "drunk" off that power and it pushes away men that are trying there best to either be on the level or exceed it. I love an intelligent man that aspires to have more or to take care of his family the best way they can. But my aspirations may be different from his. He may just be content with working his 9to5 and making his income. I think it all boils down to communication and knowing what you want. Im at a point in my life where im setting out to reach my goals and knowing what i want in a relationship. Im trying to better myself so when I do find the man of my house I will have something to bring to the table. People change and relationship change and I feel you have to be willing and open to learn oneself and the other to better understand what you can do to keep things together. Im the head of my household now because I have to be. When I recieve the man that is blessed to me then I will be more than happy to let him take lead. Like another poster said there has to be balance, communication, give and take and some subside of egos.

oxtail i just read a book by eckhart tolle and it talks alot about the ego. Your right on point with that

Pretty Ricky What Dey Call'em said...

First...I have to say that after reading that long as article there was no way I could read some of the long ass comments. (LMAO) just joking y'all cuz I'm about to leave a long one. Anyway... I think the article may have a tiny bit of truth to it... but not much.

First off... i will finally admit... black women don't have a lot to choose from if they are staying in their own race! There are not that many single brothers out there. And compound that if you are an educated sistah looking for an educated brothah. I tried to do a singles event not too long ago and dammit if I couldn;t find any truly single brothers. Now there were a few who were willing to be single for the event... but honestly speaking they had two or there women out there who thought they had a boyfriend!!!

Now the small bit of truth to the story... is the "I don't need a man" syndrome. OK... since there are not that many dudes out there... I can understand that sentiment. How ever.. that sentiment is destroying the black community. Let me say this in no uncertain terms... I need, want, and I am determined to marry a woman... and if I can be so bold... A Black woman. (Nothing against those who date outside your race... that's just what I need) I admire a black woman's independence to a degree, I admire their strength, I admire that black women have carried the burden of the black community for soooo long. But the I think the line about not needing a man..is detrimental to our community. We need the resurgence of a the black family. Which requires some adjustments on both sides! Ladies... fellas like to feel wanted, not to pay your bills or send you to get a manicure and pedicure, but that overall you want to share all aspects of your life and that sometimes you could use a little help.

So maybe it's OK to not "need" a man. But Ne-Yo said it best and I am paraphrasing. But I think he she's the kinda women that "wants you but don't need you!"

I have to admit... a negro finally found something like that. She can handle her own biz if she need to... but she makes me feel like she wants me in every since of the word. She allows me to be her King. And as her King, i vow to respect and cherish my queen.

Craig n 'em said...

First, I’d like to start off by saying that I’m mad at AnaJolia for starting off the COMMENT trail with a shout out…This is NOT Mediatakeout!

Okay now…wait a minute…(Taking a long pull)

Now, the answer is….(Violently Coughing)
Sorry…as we all should know, is that there is no answer. And there never will be. What we do have is perspective. What we are dealing with is a living organism, not an equation. This is by far an exact science. We can raise the issue a million times over but when you are in the trenches of a relationship, sometimes its really hard to navigate your way.

Many of us may have the right intentions and perspective going in but it’s when Perspective meets emotions…when intentions meet emotions…When love meets fear…this is when things can change lanes.

Now all things are amplified and harder to do when you’re in the midst of a storm of emotions…Trying to find the right umbrella, jacket or hat that symbolizes the appropriate shelter for your feelings. This can be anger, frustration, a smile that hides your pain, or simple withdrawal.

You know what? It may not be an exact science but maybe it IS an EQUATION. Maybe it is mathematics. We are all trying to concoct the perfect potion for love and security, right? And this is mathematics in its simplest form. Addition and subraction…

Add more patience…

Subtract anger…

Add a smile…

Subtract the eye roll…(I hate that shit…very dismissive)

Lead less…

Follow more…

Lead more…

Follow less…

Give more…

Take less…

And the list goes on…

This comes with self-knowledge and understanding. I myself am working hard to come to grips with certain realities about myself. But that’s a life long journey. And the journey we’re talking about here is with a partner.

I believe most men and women want the same thing. We just have to fight harder for it…Or harder than we anticipate when we are in it…It’s recognizing the fight while you are in a fight…How hard do I fight for this man? How hard do I fight for this woman? Is it worth it? Is it the right thing to do? No different than trying to discourage a drunk person not to drive. You have to learn when to say when.

At times, we all become drunk in our range of emotions, allowing it to overshadow the right choice. The title to this article could have easily been “Why are men scaring off their women? ”It’s goes both ways. These scenarios and examples can be interchanged. Men and woman BOTH get a bad rap and are falsely generalized sometimes. We all have an ugly side. Men and Women are both RIGHT and WRONG. All the books and seminars and prayer sessions in the world can’t make that final choice for you…Fight to stay or fight to go.
At the end of the day its two people trying to become one…Mathematics…;-)

No answers…Just perspective…But perspective can lead to better choices…

This was kinda long…I apologize AnaJolia…I have to keep your A.D.D. in mind next time…;-)

Ok…now I’m hungry….

Rameer said...

At Brooke's request, I will definitely hold off on going deeper into the "Bitchassness" discussion, but suffice to say that Phillygirl is completely on the right track. And yes - Buffalo is A.R.D. Central (Awful Relationship Dynamic).

There's a lot to add to it and that can be explored, but she knows what she speaks of...oh, and Brooke, Bitchassness is rampant everywhere, perhaps in different forms, but it's everywhere. I believe Puffy said:

"That's a very contagious disease in our community..."

True Story. I'm off to go drink tea, with my sick self....

Brooke said...

Oh yes, I know bitchassnes is everywhere, which is why I said that men in NYC are not like the ones in Philly...IN THE EXACT SAME WAY...but I didn't wanna get off topic. There is ALOT of bitchassness here. Men in NYC want you to chase THEM...especially the ones who look good on paper. It's like "I'm a commodity, you better work hard to get me cuz I got 5 more in my pocket." Yet, they fail to realize who they're talking to, as if I'm not fly my damn self!

It's because they know we don't have more to choose from than they do, so the bitchassness comes out. I'd rather be alone before I deal with that sh*t. I recognize good men when I see them, and it has nothing to with how they look physically or how much money they make. I feel that some men in the NYC just don't get that.

But like I said, that's for another blog :-)

B, congrats on finding your Queen, and KNOWING IT! You are definitely one of the Kings out there - you both are fortunate to have figured that out.

Craig, I wonder what you would sound like "UN-high"? I think you're deep because you ARE high! That's how that works right? I've never smoked anything, so I don't know...I wonder what I would sound like high? LOL!

Craig n 'em said...

What can I say? I like smoking BLOGS...

Georgia Peach said...

Random shout out forgot to say Happy Birthday to Serena. I can't wait for the blog about bitchassness because that's something that really bothers me. Whether it's in someone I date or just people I have to interact with throughout the course of my day.

AnaJolia said...

CRAIG... I never start off by giving a shout out.. BUT I figured this was a good day too! lol..

And damn you it took me all this time to read all these responses cause my A.D.D. done acted up & my focus was just off!!!

Peep the new name.. Thanks Craig!!

oxtail said...

Brooke anytime. When you ready for me to "Guest it up" hit me.

As usual your blog is on fiya.

- Ox (Malik)

Brooke said...

Ox, whenever you have something that you want to talk about that you think would be of interest, I'm all for it. I don't have specific days for guests, so maybe we can look at a day next week?

AnaJolia, I love that!

"Craaiiiigggggg" (you have to say it like how they say in Friday) LOL!

Rameer, start writing your blog too, cuz Glee is waiting!

Craig n 'em said...

Diggin' the new name Ana! Does that mean we cool? We're like friends now, right? Bossom Bloggers?So...you not gonna Taze me...right?

Rene the Harlemite said...

Okay, I am keep this short and sweet. There are way too many Novellas on here. I feel like I am back in school.

Black men and women are too worried about what our image is and how we look to others rather than being happy within yourself and share that with someone else.

Many create these great resumes of things that they are involved in and when it comes to the homefront (personal life) that is empty.

You can't do everything alone no matter how independent you want to be.

Seeking balance and happiness is crucial.

When creating your body of work make it for overall hapiness

DONE!

AnaJolia said...

Craig we aren't BFF or anything BUT we cool. I might let you get out this blog without getting tased... BUT don't get it twisted. You ever slip up & step out of line my taser will come out QUICK!!!!!!!!

P.S.-Yes I love the new name... If the baby is a girl that is what I will name her! lol

Anonymous said...

Wow Brooke antother great blog.I have to agree with the bitchassness. This is my first response to your blog. I'm interested in your next guest blogger Rameer. He was on point about a lot of things. Keep up the good work. Stephanie the Barriodiva

Malek said...

OK I'm back and the first thing I have to say is I find it very disturbing that I agree with a weed head??!?!!?!?

Momo, Brooke, Rameer and Ricky and Ox, you all made very great points on e of which I will touch on in my opinion so many guys these days do have a negative opinion of the black woman as being to picky or always wanting to act like the man, just as women have a negative opinion of men being dogs...We have to get rid of the stereo type by changing ourselves and disproving it. Let's face it a stereo type is what it is because there IS some truth to it!!!!

When you have it going on then you look to someone to share and enhance your life with and I think you are more open and at ease.

And I also think that somewhere along the lines finding that special someone that you want and the desire to marry has gotten lost in the shuffle. Now a days some women just want to bypass the "significant other" or the "husband" and start a family on there own, but I think that that is a mistake because the man is just not a sperm donor he is a companion a person that will be a witness to your life, a part of your history (of course there are exceptions to every rule).

Brooke said...

Stephanie! Welcome, and thank you for responding! I hope Rameer does that blog soon, I'm interested in reading his perspective as well, trouble maker that he is :-)

(Ram..jus jokes :)

Nicole, you're right...there is some truth to all stereotypes, but like Peggy said...she's aware of them, but she doesn't wear them. The test is to dispell them.

Thank you all for such eye opening discussion today. I knew this article would get the dialogue going and as always, I love and value all of your insight, opinions, comments, etc.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. History on Tuesday! And even though I'll be off on Monday and Tuesday, I'll be blogging!

oxtail said...

Brooke, I'll think about this over the weekend. Try to come up with some really juicy! :-0.

- Malik

fs said...

it's hard to not go for your dreams since you can't really depend on ment ot be around. me not growing up with a father (from early teens to adulthood) i don't expect for guys to stick around and granted i'm only 24 but every guy that i've had a relationship thus far has always looked at me like i'm too busy or are not making that same efforts as i'm making to have a successful career. so as the saying goes, if their not on your level, leave them where they're at" i'm sure that right one will come along, but i'm not looking. =)
-fs

E. Payne said...

Brooke, thanks for blog love on my post How To Love a Black Woman. I have to concur with Rene the Harlemite on all his points.

It's all about coming together to make things work. Getting off that high horse, no matter how high he or she may think (or have been told) they are because at the end of the day true love could care less about any of that and the only way to achieve true love is to get past all of the posturing and pontificating.

Compromise is often misunderstood and difficult to swallow in our community. So while the battle of the sexes rages on over semantics and appearances, many who could be together remain alone or are together in dysfunction. Compromise and not being free enough with oneself to be vulnerable with others are typically the two culprits behind most of this insanity. But this is true for all people, not just black folk.

Brooke said...

You're right, it's not just us. Good words of wisdom!

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