Wednesday, January 7, 2009

STOP ASKING ME!!!

Happy Hump Day!!

Sorry I'm late! I've been trying to blog from home, but last night I wasn't able to. And I had to screen a film this morning, so I've been busy off the hook!

While I was trying to figure out what day it was yesterday, it hit me - IT'S FREAKIN JANUARY 2009! I frantically wrote an email to Amanda and Leesa stating, "It just occurred to me that it's January, which means next month is February, which means my birthday is coming and I'll be 36!" Where did the year go?!

I barely got used to being 35! I think because in my mind, I was trying to block it out. I don't want to define myself by any age. I don't feel a day over 27, and most people say I don't look it either. But then, upon finding out my real age, someone inevitably asks, "Why aren't you married yet?" or "You don't want kids?"

I have two best friends from college. One has three children and the other is working on her third. We're all the same age, and have grown closer than ever over the years. Our lives are all completely different and have taken us places we never thought we'd be. One never thought she'd be a stay at home mom, having earned her law degree and once loved the thrill of trials and cross examinations. The other, a widow, is raising her children alone after 15 years of being with her soul mate.

Then there's me - single with no kids at 35. The only difference is...this isn't a shock to me. Growing up, I always said I didn't want kids. I've since changed my position on that, but it wasn't until my late twenties when I was in a relationship with someone I could actually see myself having kids with that I began to feel differently. Now, in my thirties, I can see myself as a mother more so than a wife. But I'd want to raise my children with their father, so I guess I'd have to take the man too ;-) We can't always dictate what life brings us, but we want it to be as ideal as possible right? Right.

"Why aren't you married yet?"

It's a question I never know how to answer. Then they ask...

"Well, why don't you have kids?"

To follow with that question is almost just as absurd.

I think I give simple answers that never seem to be good enough. "Well, the right man just hasn't found me yet" or "I'll have children when the time is right for me."

What I really want to say...or..YELL...is "STOP ASKING ME!" Sometimes I feel like people discuss me and "my situation" as if I'm not even there. Is it a SIN to be 35, not married with no kids? Did I break some sort of rule or something? Does growing my career count FOR ANYTHING?

It's not like I'm sitting at home eating bons bons, twittling my thumbs, waiting for Prince Charming to knock on my door. I go out. I spend quality time with my family. I have girl nights out. I go to movies by myself. I meet great people online. I meet great people in person. I cultivate relationships that bring great meaning to my life. And I do it happily single and childless.

I'll admit, at first - When my 35th birthday came and I was still single without a boo in sight, I had a sad cloud hanging over me. I just did not understand how I still had not found someone or how this man did not find me. I mean, I had put in some good years of practice and search, so you figure that something has to have happened by then right?

After 35, the pressure is SO on because, well, for the ladies, the time to biologically procreate is coming to a close. People are worried that your eggs are going to turn to powder before any of them get a chance to be spermeated. And for both sexes, you should be married by the time you’re 35 because some rule says so.

I wish the answer were as simple as "because, like Oprah, I dont' want to get married" or "cuz I don't want any snotty nosed, rusty behind kids!" But that wouldn't be true. I DO want those things. I DO think about it. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. My sister tells me to "let God", so I'm trying to do that while enjoying my "singlehood." Everything in His time if it's His will. Most days I accept that. Other days, it's hard to accept...especially when all your friends are working on their third baby and you have no prospects in sight.

But you know what? I also don't have to worry about diapers, or being a single mom, or not having a life cuz I can't find a sitter, or my husband getting on my LAST NERVE and I have no where to escape cuz the house just isn't big enough!

I can go catch a movie with my single friends at the last minute. I can say, "meet me for dinner in 15 minutes" at the drop of a hat. I can stay up all night and sleep in late. I am unencumbered by husband or child, and freedom has its rewards.

Grass always looks greener on the other side right?

So when someone asks you why you're not married or why you don't have kids, just tell them, "I'm just enjoying my side of the fence for right now, wiggling my toes in my nice, green grass."

-b

38 comments:

Annamaria said...

FIRST!!!
Great blog today BROOKE! I'm surprised you found the energy! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

SORRY COULDN'T RESIST!!!

Anyways... everyone does things when the time is right for THEM. Don't let society OR anyone else dictate your life or your ultimate happiness. When someone asks you why you haven't done this or that yet tell them to F*ck off! lol..

And things will happen at the right time. WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT! lol.. trust me!

Anonymous said...

36 is awesome!

-Tiswana

Brooke said...

I have PLENTY OF ENERGY Ms. Annamaria! SMART ASS! LOL!!

I have a feeling 36 is going to be WONDERFUL!

Annamaria said...

LMAO... JUST CHECKING!!!

36 will be what you make of it Brooke SOOO make sure you make it wonderful!!!!
And that should be easy for your fabulous ass! lol

Amanda said...

Yeah, someone please tell all the women at the damn hair dresser to stop asking!!! Leesa and I can just smack the crap outta them sometimes!!! SHUT UP!!!

Annamaria said...

Amanda,

Would you & Leesa like to borrow my taser the next time you go to the hairdresser.. GUARANTEED they will never ever ask you again! lol

Peggy said...

I have Ally McBeal moments in my head when I'm asked...LOL

I'll be 36 this year too (October 20th) and I'm looking forward to it, like I do with all my birthdays. I don't feel it nor do I look it, but I've lived it and for that I'm happy and gratefull.

I'm with Annamaria, 36 will be what you/I make of it.

And I love your sister's advice...Let God.

Brooke said...

Yes, I have no choice but to let God at this point. I have my momemnts where I question what is supposed to be...so as long as I talk it out with someone, I'm ok.

I will make this a great year for me, my mind is already there!

The HAIRDRESSER asks??? That's crazy talk. My gynecologist is all up IN MY BIDNESS...literally and figuratively! She's worse than family! I mean, I know it's her duty to inform me of my fertility status, but she really needs to back up off me :-)

Annamaria said...

People really need to mind their business...
I had a cousin who had some kids, never worked a day in her life. On welfare the whole time. She was always asking me when i was going to have kids. She stopped that shit when one day I responded "WHEN YOU GET A JOB & I CAN STOP SUPPORTING YOURS!! LMAO

Anonymous said...

Sunday will be here before you know it. Stay focused!

Brooke said...

Oh damn! Good comeback Annamaria! That would have shut me up too!

Sunday? meaning the game?

Rene The Harlemite said...

"Age is just a number it is all about how you feel within. No the outside."
Rene Proverbs 116


It just has to be the right time. That's all.

You have to authentically put it out in the universe and be accepting of it to come to you and not block.

Many people are blocked due to their own doing. They want something but are not open to it.

Men get the same question.

People always ask me why don't you have any kids? I am trying to have kids just to have kids. When it is time it will happen. I am absolutely sure about that.

Annamaria-For one day can you not talk about tasing someone? Did you tase someone over the holidays?lol

momo925 said...

Hello Ladies & Gents! Happy new year and all that... good to be back. Well I've been thinking about this topic and I can't say that I'm at that point in my life. At 27 I guess I am just enjoying the other side of the fence and really shouldn't be in a rush to hop it. I have a million and one nieces and nephews (and I love them to death) but at the end of the day I am always extremely happy to see their parents walk through the door so that I can give them back! lol Anyways, you have to have a man first before you can have the kids. I don't know how everyone else feels but meeting a decent one is certainly NOT easy.

Rene The Harlemite said...

"Like mama used to say take your time young man...Live your life"

Annamaria said...

Rene: I can not answer that question for fear of incriminating myself & making you and everyone that reads this an accessory after the fact! :)

Brooke said...

I think men and women have a different outlook on this. Men can have kids til they die. Women, on the otherhand, have a window. And if you want to have mulitple children, that window gets smaller. I doubt I'll have the luxury of spacing out three kids once I do start having them - if that's how many I wanted to have hypothetically speaking. So many women I know THOUGHT they could take their time, have a career and THEN find a husband and have kids...only to be devastated when they DO find the man they want to have a family with and for whatever reason, can't have children. I'm not saying I think that will happen to me, but I'd be lying if I said that thought hasn't crossed my mind.

I know what you all will say..."don't put it out into the universe." But some of these women I speak about didn't put it out there, they FULLY believed they would be able to have kids when they were ready, only to be blindsided. Perhaps God has a different plan for them - but the hurt and disappointment initially is still there...feelings are feelings. I find that most people who say "don't worry about it" already HAVE kids. I think sometimes it's hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes who wants something that you already have.

That said, I try to live my life everyday and simply accept what God gives me. We're human, so we all have days where we question or feel that we've been foresaken. You just have to try and pray and know that where you are is exactly where you are meant to be.

Sarah Ficca said...

I turned 36 this year. Its great. a nice balanced number.

Brooke said...

Sarah, it's funny you say that, because another friend of mine said "prime numbers are blah!" LOL! All the even numbers seemed to work best :-)

Annamaria said...

Brooke...35 isn't ending too bad.. You finally got CABLE!!! ;)

Brooke said...

Annamaria, You're FUNNY!

You're just mad cuz MY cable guy is cuter than YOUR cable guy! LOL!

He doesn't seem to mind that I'm just about 11 years older than he is, he's already offered to help me celebrate my birthday ;-) So yes, 36 is going to be nice :-)

Annamaria said...

Considering I don't have a cable guy YES your cable guy is WAAAYYY cuter than my cable guy.. Even if I had a cable guy I think yours would STILL be cuter.. Get that DVR box!!!!!!!!

Can you get me some free cable for my baby shower??? LMAO

Brooke said...

I'll work on that :-)

Serena W. said...

Amen! STOP ASKING ME! I live in Dallas, TX and the south is tough. I'm the only one on my team at work that's not married. It's funny sometimes they are throwing suggestions at me about guys that seem good for me. Then I have to remind them...the reason that got me to Dallas in the first place is because I didn't let God choose him for me. Then they are quiet! LOL. Brooke I love my side of the fence and I love VISITING the godchildren, nephew and cousins that are all under the age of 12 with the exception of the 16 year old goddaughter! But I love putting on my coat and saying, "Okay Titi/Big Cuz/Godmommy loves you and will see you later lol." I love my freedom!!!!! Yes I want children and the husband but as Rene quoted in Proverbs, age is just a number and until that man finds me and we get married I'm happy being single and satisfied! Annamaria I don't know you but you may have to tell me where you bought your taser lmao!

Anonymous said...

I'm busting the cable guy's a$$!!!

Rene the Harlemite said...

If you stay healthy you can. pending on the amount of kids you want...I mean if you want 15 year maybe you should have started earlier. Women are having children at a later age in the U.S.

Brooke said...

I remember watching an interview with Angela Bassett. She said that as long as she kept her body in tip top shape, she felt she could always have children when she and her husband were ready. She couldn't. She wound up having children via a surrogate. Not all women are the same, and women are having children later in life, but it costs them. I'm not I have the resources to invest in surrogates or in vitro, or even adoption! It's all expensive!

I'm giving myself til age 38, then I'm going to start exercising my options. I don't know yet what I'm willing to do or try, but I'm keeping my options open. Maybe the cable guy can be a donor, with his baby self :-)

Serena, I hear you. I love my freedom too. I try to focus on that and then it doesn't seem that bad. All I have to do is spend a day with someone who has their hands full with a bunch of kids and then I'm like "I'm good." LOL!! It's really a day to day thing, but honestly...living in NY, it's the best place to be when you're single and childless. I don't know what I'd do if I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, so all that tells me is "I'm not ready!"

Annamaria said...

Brooke....

After August you will have a new baby 20 minutes away from you & feel free to come pick it up & take it for as long as you want. Just bring my munchkin back eventually & in one piece...LMAO

Secondly we put all this emphasis on having a baby.. Let me tell you I feel completely BLESSED to be carrying a child right now BUT pushing out a baby does not make you a mother. You can adopt a child & make more of a difference to that kids life than anyone else.
I have 7 older brothers & then me AND after all those kids my mother chose to adopt my younger brother and you know what. He is the one she loves the most & probably has done more for than any of us. God may make you a mother but it may be in a different way than everyone may think.. THINK ABOUT IT..LMAO

Serena look up your state to see if they allow tasers you may have to do some old state to state stuff...lol..

Anonymous: stop hating on the GORGEOUS cable guy

Rene the Harlemite said...

Is the cable man an option? You guys keep talking about that.lol

Brooke said...

I've thought about adoption, but it's EXPENSIVE! I'd better start saving now! Besides, I know there are kids out there who need love too, but I'd LOVE to have one of my own. Thank you for offering me your unborn child...let's see if you still feel the same way in August...NOT!! LOL!!

I used to think it was VERY insensitive of my friends who had kids to say "well, if you don't have any, you can share mine." That used to urk the sh*t out of me, because I felt it was dismissive. But my sister pointed out that it was there way of trying to comfort me or embrace me or include me in "parenting" so to speak. She always tells me I'm a "co-mommy" to my nephews, and I love that. I just look at it like I'm getting in some good practice!

Cable guy is just cable guy...for right now ;) My friends are making jokes...all fun!

Malek said...

That was the perfect last sentence....I loved that!!!!!!! While I do have to go back and read everyone else's comment I will start with this first....Brooke I already told you to let GOD or in my case Allah.... but I do know that is hard to leave something that we so desperately want in someone's hand but that is with anything in life....Bye the way all the single girl stuff that you just listed I sooooo want to do right now.......I have not been to the movies since madagascar 2 and that was not for me...so technically I have not been to the movies since Sex in The City.......any who.....the most important thing to do with each coming year is to figure out how to be a better you than the last year.....SO rock on with all your achievements that you have like a fullfilling Job great friends, and of course a fantabulous sister....So get to your meeting and check back I am sure I will have something else to say based on the comments

holla

Malek said...

Ok Annamaria pregnancy has made you very funny.....

Now to the effect of what Rene said...(which bye the way I see why you were cranky yesterday...You HUNGRY....Stop master cleansing and eat something)

In reading your comments you are talking about all these different scenerios(sp) that could happen or what I'm gonna do by 38....Ask yourself is that letting GOD? You are trying to make a plan while GOD's plan is already in motion....And this is essentially going out into the universe....As the lady on Oprah said your are dwelling in the shallows....you have to get to your core of peace....were you truly put it out there and let go.....(See Oprah.com for details)

I am listening to some CD's right now and one thing that it mention is that when you believe in GOD your life is not without test...so maybe this is your test of patience....think about it...and when your spirit is quiet you will hear and feel GOD comforting your worries and you will truly LET GO and LET GOD....


God bless you and goodnight.....Had to throw in their some Russell....Can't let Annamaria be first, have a tasser, and be the only funny one!!!!LMAO

And who is anonymous acting all jelly.....

Brooke said...

Like I said, I have my days. Tests come everyday and I think I deal with them fairly well. In time I will get to this peace you speak of. I've asked God to take me there, I've asked Him to take these desires away from me if they're not meant for me to have. That's all I can do. Sometimes we want something really bad and He doesn't give it to us. I have to find a way to be at peace with that if that is the case, and I'm sure God will bring me to that place when I'm ready.

Gleana said...

Brooke as promised...my comments as probably the ultimate single woman. I really loved the topic today and can totally relate although I'm 30. I've given myself until 35 and if by that time I haven't had a kid, then I'm adopting a dog, naming her Isabella and calling it a day. I think that it really is about finding happiness for yourself and at this point hey I'd love a husband, but the right person hasn't found me yet or better yet, God needs me to live a little more of my life as a single woman doing her thang! So I say to you enjoy your birthday and don't worry about the folks who say "When are you getting married, having a kid, blah blah blah...

Tune them out and live your life. Thanks for always keeping it interesting on here...

Brooke said...

Thanks Glee! And it's funny, at 30, no one really asked me those questions. It seems like once I turned 33, 34, 35, all the questions started coming. At 30 it wasn't really heavy on my mind because, to me, your 20's were for having fun and building a career. I wouldn't have even CONSIDERED getting married or having a child in my 20's...that was always a "30's" thing for me.

Now that my "dirty 30's" are here, all of a sudden I feel it. But you know why I think I REALLY feel it? It's because most men I meet my age ALREADY have children...and don't want any more. I meet men who are divorced who don't want to get married again, but want to date or have sex with you instead. None of them want to actually get to KNOW you or build a relationship. The pool of AVAILABLE single men out there who are sincere, who court you, who make their genuine interest known is VERY SMALL. We outnumber them, so they can choose and date at will. So meeting a man and having a relationship with a man who you might ACTUALLY want to be your husband and father of your child seems less probable than hitting the Mega Millions! At 35, time is NOT on your side with regard to meeting, courting, dating, marrying and procreating - you'd have to do it at WARP SPEED!

I say all that to say...I already have a cat, he's my baby...so I'm right there with you Glee! LOL!!

Anonymous said...

And most people who are so consumed with your life and business aren't happy themselves...you are so right, they should stop asking you and also, it is none of their business!!!

Serena W. said...

Brooke I had to go back to this blog when I saw adoption come up. Not to put a plug in but I do encourage everyone to pick up Gumbo for the Soul, Here's Our Child Where's the Village. Yes I'm in the book as a contributing author :), but the whole anthology really speaks to adoption, disspells myths, talks about pros/cons, and all facades. After my mother didn't want to push out any more and thought I was it until Ayana was born to my Aunt. After my Aunt died of AIDS my Mom went through the process and adopted her. Then came Christina who she adopted who was born to a crack addicted mother. So she adopted my sisters despite all of their medical complications. Yes Mom is my hero! Now that was 80's and early 90's. But although challenging the end result was beautiful and priceless! I've stopped putting an age on when to have a child...God will let me know and I first need the right man in my life. Not just a man...the right man...my life partner. So 34 is knocking on my door...am I worried. Not at all. I give praise to those who are parents and one day it'll be me. Until then...I'm chilling very hard...smiling...on the side of the fence called singlehood :)

Serena W. said...

Anyone interested in picking up the book Gumbo for the Soul after reading my last comment can look on my blog for more info :) http://divinewryte.blogspot.com/2008/12/its-here-order-your-copy-of-gumbo-for.html

Peace and luv! And remember to tell them peeps...STOP ASKING ME! or just tase em...Annamaria you are funny!

Brooke said...

I'm going to pick up that book and read it first thing. People usually say "you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends." Not true...you CAN pick your family...family is who you make it!

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