Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Happy Hump Day!

So I woke up this morning to find texts and emails from my male friends telling me my Yahoo account was hacked. I was a bit surprised since I’m usually very careful about what I click on the innawebs, as Yolanda calls them. I asked what type of spam they got from me and they all said the same thing: a link about Viagra, Cialis and every other sexual dysfunction pill you can think of. I chuckled as I realized that NONE of my female friends contacted me to tell me I’d been hacked. Not one. Meanwhile, some of the responses I got from men were: “I thought you were trying to tell me something.” “How did you know???” “I don’t need no damn Viagra!”

Geesh! Sensitive much?

I promptly changed my Yahoo password and apologized on Facebook to all who had gotten spam from me. I’ll be more careful next time. I thought it was interesting how many of my man friends seemed to feel some kinda way about Viagra, sexual dysfunction and the like. Are men REALLY that sensitive to that type of thing?

It got me to thinking about some of the insecurities some men have and the myths surrounding them. So men, I’ll do you a favor and debunk some of these myths for you so you can go forth being the manly stud muffins that you are. This is BROOKE’S OPINION ONLY. I realize some women may disagree with me on several of these, but men…if you wanna bumble with the B (that’s me), then fret not. Here goes:

1. Penis size. Yes, it’s nice if you can knock the bottom out of most chicks, but it can be a gift and a curse. Schlongs are like money; some of you who have a lot don’t know how to spend it! Seriously, sometimes a man with a big d**k is like a trust fund kid - lazy, isn’t willing to work for it, rests on his laurels….and is…boring. I’d rather do a broke guy who is a hard worker, if you catch my drift.

2. Chest hair. I love it. I know a few women who want their men shaved clean, but not me. Let me rub my soft hand on your carpet, maybe even grab a few curly strands. Something about a man with hair on his chest moves me.

3. Facial hair. Okay, seriously…whose deal breaker is facial hair? You got a beard, mustache, goatee, five o’clock shadow, whatever…just keep it shaped up. I love a hairy man…woolly caveman, alldat. I may be in the minority here, but it is what it is.

4. Scars. Battle wounds are interesting to me. Means you’re not afraid to get scuffed up and maybe you can hold your own. Now, I’m not saying I think gang stab and gunshot wounds turn me on, but if you cut yourself up fixing things around the house or the car or something, I can dig it. A man with NO scars or marks on his body gets the side eye from me….pretty muthaphucka.

5. Sweat. Men are supposed to sweat. Sweat is sexy. Sweat makes sex SO MUCH better…I like slip sliding around :-) A man who doesn’t want to sweat during sex can go sit down somewhere…OVER THERE. We all do it, and the only time it’s not cool is when it’s boob sweat, or when it’s running down your leg on the subway platform on your way to work.

6. Sex. You’re not a porn star and neither are we. You don’t need to hold me up in a reverse cowgirl, plank position to get my attention. Sometimes missionary is really enough…it’s actually my favorite position. Maybe that’s boring, but I like to face you and hold you, it’s more personal for me. Start having me hang from monkey bars and we might have a problem. #charliehorse.

7. Erectile dysfunction. It happens to everyone. If it happens over 50% of the time, then go see a doctor and then we’ll talk about Viagra. You might be tired, depressed, need some exercise or vitamins, but we can figure it out together. Women don’t look at you as less than a man if you can’t get it up ONE night. Don’t beat yourself up about it…happens to everyone.

8. Premature ejaculation. Stop worrying about this. This condition is usually labeled that way for men who can’t last 1-2 minutes once he penetrates a woman…and most men I know can last at least 5. You all worry about how long sex should be for no reason. Should it be 15 minutes, an hour? You think if it’s too short, she’ll tell all her friends you’re a two-minute brother, but if it’s too long, she’ll get sore and raw down there. Take your time, enjoy your partner, listen to each other and pay attention. Sometimes a quickie is all y’all need…and sometimes marathon sex happens when you least expect it. It’s different every time, so stop worrying about it.

9. Condoms. Yes, most times it feels better without one…but honestly, if you know what you’re doing, it feels the same to us WITH a condom too. Just stay lubricated so that the friction of hot ass rubber doesn’t start a small brush fire down there. We don’t like that.

10. Orgasms. Yes…the orgasm is the desired result, but most women don’t care that much about it. Our most satisfying sexual experiences come from feeling loved, desired, passionate, happy, arouse and erotic…in a nutshell, feeling connected to someone. The orgasm is simply the icing on the cake. And that's what toys are for ;-)

Did I miss anything?

-b

49 comments:

Annamaria said...

first bithches

Annamaria said...

Brooke I got the same email!! LMAO.. There you go. Now one of your female friends told u..

Stef said...

Dammit, I wanted to be first!

Stef said...

Um...yeah, this is Brooke's list, cuZ penis size DOES matter and I better get broke off EVERY time! LOL!

A-buzzzz Williams :) said...

@Stef.... I know you did... The same way men want to believe Brookey is telling the truth about this list...

Yolanda said...

I got the email too but I didn't click it so I didn't realize it was for the peens. When I got the message it was late and I didn't want to email you (I try to avoid the late night Blackberry buzzing). What is with all the random hackings these days? And um, what'chu been clicking on anyway, Brooke? Hee hee.

I agree with the list. I'm not ka-razy about chest hair but I wouldn't turn it down. Nope, not at all!

Sweat, beards, chest hair, monkey bars...man, this post has me feeling some kinda way............

Brooke said...

I swear I didn't click on anything out of the ordinary...at least not on purpose! Sorry!

The Cable Guy said...

Something about this blog has me all hot and bothered. Brooke, you're a real chick. A sexy ass one at that!

how come I didn't get this spam? Brooke, only your friends can get spam from you? We not cool no more?LOL!

Hayden said...

You know I'm tired of this size debate. Can we just agree that different women like different things from their man's nether regions? I have a friend who says that she can only rock with someone who has a huge member. I have another who says that she has a tiny vagina and doesn't want someone stretching her out and pounding her like a pile driver. There is someone for everyone and one size DOES NOT fit all. Big D!@k Guy should not date my friend with the small vajayjay and Pencil D!@k Guy should stay away from Cavern Girl. Simple.

The bottom line is that size DOES matter but y'all are not all talking about the same thing when you say that!

Courtney said...

I didn't think it was much of a debate, but moreso what Brooke perceives men to be insecure about. Her list is a good one, because I've dated men who have hangups about half the stuff on here. Of course different women prefer different things, so to Brooke's point, that's not something to be insecure about. If one more man asks me if "it's big" or whatever, I'll scream!

Same thing with chest hair. Shaving it is worse for ME...but some women don't like hair. I like hairy men too.

And condoms...sometimes I can barely tell the difference if he has one on or not.

Good list Brooke!

Hayden said...

I was actually AGREEING with her! LOL She and I are both saying that different women like different things.

DMoe said...

Great blog B. Love the list.

Some quick, personal hahas along the way:

1. It aint about yo pencil. Its more about handwriting or 'penmanship' - pun? Oh yeah. intended.

2. Chest hair is one thing, taco meat is another.

3-10. Agreed 103%

Dmoe

Brooke said...

I knew someone would bring up "taco meat" - had to be DMoe... :)

Jaz said...

Great list B!

pillulle week-end said...

cela résoudra le problème sexuel!!
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Health and Beauty said...

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Natalie Bonanski said...

Definitely an interesting rant that came from a Viagra email. Thanks for sharing!

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